Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Hello , hello .
Speaker 2Hello everyone , what's up ?
Speaker 1everybody , welcome to another episode of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We have been married for 25 years . We can officially say that now it has been a quarter of a century . We've developed this podcast really just to help people grow closer to God and also closer to the people that God has placed in their life , and so if you are watching , wherever you are , we don't believe that you are listening or have found us by accident . We pray all the time God , help people find us that need us . And here you are and we're pumped about it Absolutely .
Speaker 2I think this is going to be a great . You know little talk that we're having . I think people are going to benefit from it .
Speaker 1And might I say , you look beautiful today .
Speaker 2I love your hair yeah .
Speaker 1Thank you . Yeah , you were having a little discussion before we came on about your hair . I think it's absolutely amazing , well , thank you .
Speaker 1The curls are popping , they're back . For those of you all who are newer to our podcast , Pastor Tabitha , she had breast cancer about three years ago . So she's three years plus cancer free now . We give God all the glory for that and there's so much that we learned about faith and trusting God in some of the most painful situations . But she had no hair . She had no hair , no eyebrows , no anything , and to see it grow back is just . It's just the grace of God . The grace of God .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's fun . You know , it's the little things in life you know I preach a lot about and I think most of us do like it's . It's not about what you look like on the outside . You know , yes , we want to be fit , yes , we want to . You know , look beautiful and things like that . But let's not be vain , you know . But , um , you know when , when you lose all your hair well , that's beyond vain .
Speaker 1I mean it's uh . I mean , yeah , it's such such a , such a thing , but to see how you piled through it to see how you stood in faith and still believed God . I just feel like there's so many books , so many men and women around the world that can benefit to the testament of faith , especially when you're just beat up and knocked down and still trusting God , and that's learned a lot .
Speaker 2There's a lot of women going through that right now and a lot of men , you know , fighting cancer right now or different types of sicknesses and things like that , and it's worth to mention like no , it's OK . I know it's a hard battle , I know it feels crazy right now , but you , you can win and you will win . You'll come out on the other side well you know , it's not just cancer , it's any .
Speaker 1It's a lot of things in life and sometimes life hits you and you're not expecting it , and it's almost like getting sucker punched , but I believe there's a scripture in the bible that says that we're not ignorant of satan's devices yeah meaning that we're not going to be surprised , and I think there are people who have the pain of , maybe , a separation or a divorce , or the loss of a child , or a miscarriage , or the loss of a job , the loss of a loved one , and all of those things , whether it's cancer was your battle , whether it's depression is your battle , all of them . We still need to know how to get up when we've been knocked down , and I guess the word of the Lord is that you can . God is still one of the scriptures that God's been really revealing and illuminating to me lately is .
Speaker 1Romans 8 , 28 . It says that all things are working to good for those who love God and been called according to his purposes .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1So , even when it's painful , somehow it's still going to work for my good , even when there's delay . Delay is not necessarily denial . We have a saying in our house that every delay works in our favor , and so we just believe . The longer that it takes , god is sweetening the pot .
Speaker 1On certain things you got to wait for . You like , oh my God , when is that house going to close , when is that deal going to happen , when is this going to ? You know , we've been believing for this and we just believe every delay works to our favor . But Romans 8 , 28 is my jam right now . I like that Got a little piece of hair , though , let me help you out . Thank you , I see you got a little gray hairs coming out there . Hey , well , that's not .
Speaker 2You know what . I have to change my response and I've been working on it .
Speaker 1I didn't . That was a great test .
Speaker 2Yeah , it was I offended by gray hair . Like I was offended like how dare you ? Like I am I associated it with being old . Like , oh , I am not old , but I don't know . I mean , I get it . Yeah , you're growing older , but now I'm just trying to embrace like it's a part of life right that you know .
Speaker 2So , whatever , yes , I'm still going to dye my roots because I want to right now . But at one point , you know , maybe I'll want to dye my hair forever and maybe I won't . Maybe I'll want to go all gray , but I'm not going to be offended by gray hair , I'm going to embrace it . Let's just say that .
Speaker 1Cause I was looking at it and I was thinking it was cute . It shows you . I mean , you're 48 years old , We've been married for 25 years . The scripture talks about it's like a crown and I think you have tons of wisdom tons of virtue , and I know me too . If I don't color this , it would be like completely gray .
Speaker 2I'm thinking about just letting it be gray , it can look undone because I do color my hair at the root . So when the gray is coming through now and I'm like whoa , what is this ? But it looks undone , it looks like girl , you need to get your hair done or something . So I think that's where that response comes from , like I know I need to do my hair , but at the same time I don't know .
Speaker 1Do you . If you want to color it , color it . If you don't , don't , praise God for it . We want to help single people today . You know this is first and foremost , the marriage podcast and a relationship podcast , um , but it's also a personal growth podcast , and this is what we believe that if you get better , your relationships will get better , your marriage will get better . And this is my . I always say this listen that the best time to work on your marriage is when Before you get married there it is .
Speaker 1I thought you were sleeping on me today , girl . The best time to work on your marriage is before you get married . There it is . I thought you were sleeping on me today , girl . The best time to work on your marriage is before you get married . And a lot of people are married and then they get into a problem and then they start working on their marriage , and they should . But the best time to work on your marriage is before you get married .
Speaker 1Wow and so it's not two halves coming together , it's two holes coming together , meaning that I've really worked on me before I say I do and on me before I say I do and so , but okay .
Speaker 2So when you say that , though , questions come up in my mind , because we've been married for 25 years and I'm like okay , how could we have done that ? What does that look like ? How do you work on you ? I mean , what does that mean ?
Speaker 1That well , you was battling depression when we first got married . It'd have been cool if you would have battled that and overcome it before we got married . Exactly , yeah , that's true .
Speaker 2But what if say I don't ? I'm not depressed , pastor Ken , I got my stuff together . You know I'm successful , like all of that stuff I dealt with , you know .
Speaker 1I'm not perfect , but I've dealt with things , not being selfish . You got to work on your communication skills . You have to work on just developing who you are . I like that .
Speaker 2And that that point as well . I don't talk about it a lot because of my past . I talk a lot about healing and things like that , but there's another side also , that once you become whole as a person , you have to . You don't know how to share . You know you're used to like , you know having everything your way . You like the dishes like this , you like the bed to be made like this . Hey , when you get married , all of that is going to be disrupted . You know there's certain foods that you like to eat , there's certain smells that you like in your house . Everything is going to change . So it's like now if you're single on the job , how do you handle conflict ? Do you just , you know , hate all of your coworkers ?
Speaker 1Or do you shut down ? Or become a hermit , or do you ? We call them like cat-like mood . It's just like that person's here , but they're like they're sliding around all conflict and I don't want to get involved in that . And we we send to find that those are the characteristics actually , that you have to begin to lean into conflict in the workplace , because it's going to be tons of conflict if you get married .
Speaker 2Cause it's toxic in the marriage . Yeah .
Speaker 1Yeah , but we can go on and on about that , but all my single ladies say hey . Fellas say oh , all right , this one is for you . Please make sure that you share this If you're new to our podcast . We drop a new episode every Thursday at 3 pm , and the best thing you could do to show us that this content is blessing you is just like comment , share , review and get this into the hands of people around the world who need it . All right , here's a few foundational ideas . Jump on the back of this . Tell me what your perspective is . Here's the first marriage idea , or foundational idea for it . Now , today's topic is how to tell if they are the one . Now . You're married , You're not married , and let's just assume you want to be married one day .
Speaker 1You need to know how to tell if they're the one . Or let's say that you're not married but you're dating somebody and it's kind of getting serious . You need to tell if they are . How can you tell if they are the one ? Okay , here's some foundational ideas . Number one marriage is not mandatory for joy or fulfillment . Okay , so let's not make marriage an idol , all right . Now some people are pursuing finding somebody more than they're pursuing God . The priorities are wrong . Am I right or am I right ? Right , okay , anything , you want to jump on the ?
Speaker 2back . No , that's good .
Speaker 1Okay , Number two it's better to be single and satisfied than to be married and miserable .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1Now there are a lot of single like people like I'm going to be happy when I get married . I'm going to be happy . Listen , if you're not happy now , you're not going to be happy then , because your happiness is not going to be found in a marriage . It's really not . It's going to be found before that and so don't be scared to say I do . There's a lot of people that are like they're afraid of marriage . So it's like , well , we've been dating 15 years , for real .
Speaker 2You know what I'm saying .
Speaker 1And then there's some people that they are rushing things . So you want to find the balance . Anything you want to say to that ? No , Okay . And my third foundational idea is that the Bible doesn't tell us exactly what to look for in a spouse . So our conversation is just going to be a conversation that we've accumulated and over the years of talking to people married and single people because the Bible don't tell us exactly what to look for . It gives us some things of what we probably should look for , but it doesn't give us , like , this is exactly the qualifications .
Speaker 2Right .
Speaker 1He needs to be six foot tall and have this much money in the bank . It doesn't say that . So , um , anything you have on that , yikes , yikes , okay . So , all right , let me ask you some questions . Um , is there such a thing as a soulmate for you ?
Speaker 2Uh , uh . I hate that question , um , because I don't think there really is like one person that you like , one person for you , like God specifically said , you don't think .
Speaker 1I'm the one person for you , I mean well , that's why it's a hard question .
Speaker 2It's a yes and no , because you are like , yes , like I have a little you know thing at home , it's like a little picture and it's it's in our bedroom and it says my soul has found the one , I found the one whom my soul loves . And it's a quote from Proverbs , or no , from what was it ? From Song of Solomon . And so , yes , like I would consider you my soulmate . But I , I think I've seen throughout being in ministry for so long , and I've seen other people who you know .
Speaker 2Maybe your husband or wife dies and you find another one whom your soul loves , you know . So I don't think it's been proven to me in scripture that there's one person that you have to find . What if your person is , like we're in the United States of America ? What if your person is in Asia ? Like how do we , you know ? Um , anyway , I mean , god is God , he can make things work out , but I just don't believe that there's that one person . I think that the but the scripture says that , um , what does it say ? A man who finds a wife finds a good thing . I think you find that person , it's your choice .
Speaker 1Let me ask you this real quickly how did ? What do you think about women who are proposing to their to their man ?
Speaker 2Um , okay , I'm like , hey , if that's you , fine , I'm not hating on it , like I'm not saying that God's not in that . Um , but I personally wouldn't do that . I personally , knowing men and knowing my husband , I know men want to pursue . He wants to be the man , he wants to lead and in the marriage between a husband and a wife he should be the leader of the home , not unequal like the wife's . Not you lead together , but spiritually he has an authority over the family , but spiritually he has an authority over the family and I just think that it's the man's place personally to do that , because if you have to lead yourself into the marriage , you're going to have to lead yourself for the rest of your lives and I don't believe that's the proper order of the home spiritually .
Speaker 1Yeah , I have not thought about this question before I asked it , but the scripture that I just said made me think of it . When a man finds a wife , he finds a good thing . It kind of leans towards the man to find the wife .
Speaker 1Okay , I think that there is an etiquette thing with it . I think that you know you can . You can call it cultural , you can call it a generational thing , you can call it something that , yeah , I mean we can cross that boundary , but there is something that God's placed on the inside of a man that is created to pursue man . Back in the day were hunters . They went out and pursued the catch so that their family could eat . Let me just keep it real , real . Look , one hundred . You can do whatever you want to do . If you want to get down on your knee and propose to your husband , I guess that's what you can do Me . I would never want my woman to do that . I would never want my matter of fact it'd be a turnoff to me It'd be an insult .
Speaker 1Not an insult , a turnoff . Like I didn't like being pursued by a woman like that . Yeah , no man , I can go back and just think about before we got together and the women who would try to pursue me . It just I mean I like you don't have to play hard to get , you don't have to be like this person I can't catch . I hated that too , but like you can , let me know that there's an interest there . But then I just think that there's something that God's placed on the DNA of most men that actually they want to be pursued .
Speaker 1And I think it actually can work in reverse , because if that's right and the husband is going to be the leader of the home , if you start off leading , you might grab a guy that don't even have leadership ability and then all of his life , you're trying to lead him to get a job , you're trying to lead him to take care of this , you're trying to lead him to do the bills , you're trying to lead him everything , and it's going to be frustrating because God hasn't given you that supernatural grace in that space .
Speaker 2Absolutely space .
Speaker 1And now it's like why ain't you doing nothing ? Well , he wasn't doing nothing before you took the . You took it right .
Speaker 2How many people have we sat down with and counseled because they got into these situations in marriage and the wife is like a go-getter and she's like my husband won't do anything . Well , he probably was like that before you got married , but you ignored the red flags . You know all of that stuff , so I think that you know men have every man has , everyone has leadership potential . Have they developed their leadership potential ? One way you can find out whether they have developed that leadership potential is is he pursuing you ? Has he ? You know ? How are you , how are you together for 15 years and he still hasn't proposed , he still hasn't led you to the next step he has not developed his leadership potential Right .
Speaker 1Right .
Speaker 2I think also . I think what was I going to say ? I lost my point .
Speaker 1But it was a good one I can't remember . You want me to ask you another question .
Speaker 2Yeah , ask me another question , we'll come back .
Speaker 1How involved do you think God is with helping us find the one ?
Speaker 2I think he's very involved . I think he's involved , very involved , in every aspect of our life , like he cares about the little things you know , and so I think he's as involved as we allow him to be .
Speaker 1Yeah , I feel like we're saying two things and I think both of them have levels of accuracy Like I don't really believe in , like a soulmate , like there's just one person . We've just been through too much life and we know that we've seen people you know lose a husband , become a widow , lose a wife , become a widow , then find another love of their life . We don't think there's just this one person that's out there . However , I do believe that God is involved in every intricate detail . For me , I knew that you would be my wife before we met . People say do you believe in love at first sight ?
Speaker 2Well .
Speaker 1I do and I don't . I do because I believe that love is a choice and I can choose to love you as soon as I see you . But then I don't , because I believe that love is something that you grow into and it's not just something that happens overnight . So I can't even say it was love at first sight . But I knew at first sight . I knew before we even met . I was 18 years old and we were going to college at West Virginia University . I was a freshman and I told my friend Cabello , I said hey , man , she's going to be my wife one day . Watch . And I'm 18 years old . And who ? At 18 years old , 18 years old , driving around in a car with another dude . We're usually not talking about marriage , we're talking about other stuff .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1You know , but I just knew it , and . But I wasn't pressed , though , and I think that sometimes what happens is that people get a word from God , or they have an inkling , and then they get pressed . It wasn't like I was trying to pursue you . You were actually dating someone else at the time , and so you didn't even know . For a whole year , maybe even a year and a half , I never tried to approach you . I was living my own life . I felt like , if it happens , it happens . It was just none of that .
Speaker 1And then one night January 14th 1998 , I run into you and we meet and we hit it off , and then our first date , of course , is at the Boston Beanery , morgantown , west Virginia shout out , mountaineers . And we're dating for about six to nine months , and I hear the Lord say you should marry her , and so we got married right when I turned 21 . So I was young , and so , if I was to answer the question , did the Lord help ? The Lord helped with all of that ? Do I believe , like you are the one ? I believe that you are the one for me . That doesn't mean that you were necessarily the only one , and for some reason we didn't work out , but I believe that the Holy Spirit leads us into new jobs and new opportunities and new relationships and divine connections , and if you're single , he'll help you find a husband or he'll help you find a wife . He'll help you know how to . He's setting it all up and he's working all those things for our good .
Speaker 2That's what I believe , and he's working all those things for our good . That's what I believe . Yeah , I believe that , yeah , yeah , that's well said . We definitely have a choice in the matter and I think it's just with everything and just hearing the voice of God and allowing him to come in , and kind of mold you mentioned earlier , like you know , you know , like , if you know praying the prayer , lord , bring me the guy who's like six feet tall you know praying the prayer lord , bring me the guy who's like six feet tall .
Speaker 1You know with .
Speaker 2You know light eyes and dark skin or you know whatever , um , and I don't know . If you know , describe me no , I'm not six .
Speaker 1You're not six feet tall , you know .
Speaker 2You said six feet tall , but then I reverted back to you know you anyway . Um , I don't necessarily mean . I've definitely met people who got . They met the guy who was exactly on their list . They checked it off their list and that's who you know . I've met those people . I also met the people who were like me I didn't have a list , I didn't have anything .
Speaker 1What I want to know is this when you met me , did you know I was the one ?
Speaker 2me , did you know ? I was the one . No , well , no , yes and no , okay , this is like no , like written letter of the law here , you know , um , but no , when I met you , I wasn't saved , um , and I was kind of that one who was pursuing a relationship more than I was pursuing God . I was pursuing a man more than I was pursuing . God , I was pursuing a man more than I was pursuing God , and so , yeah , that's where I was .
Speaker 1And how long did it take for you to know that I was the one ?
Speaker 2It didn't take long , but it was very immature . I would say , okay , so is there love at first sight ? Very immature , I would say , okay , so is there love at first sight ? It definitely wasn't . I don't think it was love at first sight because I didn't know my . I was so immature , I was unsaved . I feel like I'm working myself in a ditch here .
Speaker 1Well , it's not . I mean , you're not under like it's not a judge and jury here .
Speaker 2I'm just trying to say when did you know I was one .
Speaker 1Answer it like simply we met in January .
Speaker 2I don't know . I will say this that God was involved in it . I think I knew you can't answer the question girl .
Speaker 2I can't answer it . I can never . Okay . So when I met you on January the 14th , right , I was seeking for God , I was searching for God , wasn't saved , but I did pray to God . I said , god , send me someone who would love me . That's all I didn't say in Jesus' name , I didn't know anything , I just said it to God . Help me , god . And so when I met you on January the 14th in the bar , on January the 14th in the bar , and you said , hey , I see you in church . To me that was God . To me it wasn't love at first sight , but it was like that's God . It yanked my attention and so I gave you my number . We go to church together . I mean , we still , you know , go to parties . We do everything but that .
Speaker 1So when did I fall in love with you ? When did I know that ?
Speaker 2I love you . We got to move on . I don't know You're asking me rough questions . That's not a rough question . I can't handle this question , it's okay .
Speaker 1All right . So you didn't never know . I was the one . And then maybe you figured out when , last year , or last year , 10 years ago , we don't know .
Speaker 2Stop it .
Speaker 1So if we're going to tell , though , how to tell if somebody is the one , I think one of the best things we can do is to determine how they're not the one . I think , how do you know if someone is is the one ? Well , that's good . Okay , here's some things to consider . Okay , if they're not the one Number one , are they saved , okay ? Okay , number one are they saved , all right ? Um , I'm sorry I got ahead of myself . Let's backtrack . All right , if they're not the one , all right , are you ?
Speaker 1If you're not attracted to them , they're not the one . I think that there's some people that kind of force themselves into relationships and like , ah , he all right , or she all right , and I'll grow into it . He got money , he got like eight out of 10 things , but this one thing , you know , just drives you crazy . Okay , they're not the one if they are embarrassed to show you off to their friends and family and to take you around certain people . So if they're trying to keep you in the house or trying to keep you away from certain , they are not the one .
Speaker 1If you find them unfaithful , meaning that you're already in like a dating , committed relationship , but you find them with other phone numbers and different things like that , I would say that they're not the one . But you find them with other phone numbers and different things like that , I would say that they're not the one . If they have addictive tendencies , you know they're just addicts to things . They're addicted to things , addicted to pornography , addicted to cigarettes , addicted to alcohol , addicted to drugs . That might not be the one for you . They have explosive tendencies , anger issues .
Speaker 1They don't know how to handle conflict . They don't know how to . If you ever see you're dating someone , they can be the nicest person in the world and you see them explode . Okay , back up for a moment you got to determine is this going to be ? Um , are they going to figure out how to cope ? Are they going to be a person that just goes off and cusses and and calls you out your name and throws things and tells you to get out the car ? So you're looking for some of these things , which is what I call red flags I think to know what you are .
Speaker 1These are like what I call deal breakers . And if you see , deal breakers run the other way .
Speaker 2Don't even get involved , don't get emotionally involved , like don't get too far in , just kind of find the nearest exit .
Speaker 1Is there anything else that's a deal breaker for you ? That you're like yo if you see this in them .
Speaker 2Um , I like people who I like to know how people uh talk about other people , um , whether they are um , respectful of other people . Like , how do you treat your parents ? How do you treat the people that you don't like ? You know ? Like , how do you treat ? Do you open doors for people ? I personally like people who are kind and kind-hearted , okay , and so I don't like people who are maybe um a little self-centered , like you know , that's like that door just slammed in this lady's face and you , you don't care okay you know , like when I'm it might be a pet peeve , like if I'm walking out of a store and there's a guy in front of me doing stuff , like most men honestly , like they'll just hold the door open , even women .
Speaker 2You hold the door open for the person behind you . They just go let the door slam and stuff , and you know I can take care of myself .
Speaker 1But I'm just like OK , you know so there's like qualities and stuff that you know what you're looking for yeah , know what you like , yeah .
Speaker 1OK , so anyway , let's put that to the side . So now drum roll , please . How to tell if they are the one ? All right , once again , the Bible doesn't tell us . Here's our opinion . Just , you know , we're married people , but we talked to tons of single people . Here's our best advice for you .
Speaker 1Number one they need to be saved . Okay , and this might be the only requirement that scripture gives us . The Bible says this 2 Corinthians 6 , 14, . It says don't be unequally yoked together with unbelievers , for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness ? And what communion has light with darkness ? And what accord has Christ with Belial ? Or what has a believer with an unbeliever ? And so here the Bible is giving us this parameter that if you want to date this person , at least they need to be saved , they need to believe in Jesus , they need to be a believer , because you will be unequally yoked . And so to me , that's the beginning one . That's the beginning one .
Speaker 1Now , I know that there's a lot of people doing missionary dating . They see somebody and they got all these qualities and they just hope he going to get saved or hope she going to get saved . I don't really believe in missionary dating . I just believe that you know , you live your life and let God put somebody in your life that's equally yoked . Now , if that person gets saved and they come around and God's done a work on them , that's something different . But don't you start dating them hoping that you're going to be able to win them over with your lifestyle or something like that .
Speaker 2I've never seen that workout personally yeah me , neither . I've never seen that workout where I've seen a lot of ladies or women bring men into the church and they're like , oh , this is such and such , and you know he's coming to church because he likes you .
Speaker 1I'm on the pursuit and yeah and then no . I've taken a step further . I've seen dudes go through years of jumping through hoops just to get what they want and then , after he get what , he won't end up he crazy , meaning that he will come to church , he will bring a Bible , he will go to small groups , he will go to Bible study , he will do all kinds of different things just to get what he wanted . Now , that's not to like get in fear and say , oh my God is whom . They can go and do that as well , but it's to be like you know what ? Let's make sure that the person's pursuits are pure .
Speaker 1You know what I'm saying . Now , I mean really , if I knew I would pursue you and I knew that you were going to church .
Speaker 2I'd have went to church too . So I actually had a guy ask me that last night .
Speaker 1Yeah , had a guy asked me that last night . He's like you know what , I love this church , but , man , I kind of feel bad because I like this girl . We're no longer together and I'm like man , is that the only reason that I came ? I was like , well , when I first started going to church , I came because somebody made me a cake . But I'm still here 25 years later , all because of cake . God can use whatever , but I'm saying that if I'm single , I am protecting who I am at the same time having faith for God to put somebody in my life .
Speaker 1Anything else on that one . How to tell if they're the one ? They need to be born again , man . Absolutely , and I would say unequally yoked is not just saved , because there's different levels of being saved .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1There is saved and mean . There is saved and untrustworthy . There's saved and unfaithful . There's saved and carnal . They're saved and drunk . They're saved and high . They're saved and sleeping around . You got to determine what kind of saved are they ?
Speaker 2Because everybody can say I believe in God , yeah , and you can believe in yeah , but they're also . You can get saved . You can be saved , but of different beliefs . So you know , maybe one person is one denomination and the other person is another denomination . That can cause you will not be on one accord if you believe the Bible says this but they believe the Bible says that , and you can't come into agreement . You need to have not just are you saved ? What do ?
Speaker 1you believe . Yeah , and that's really been a blessing for our marriage , because we actually sharpen each other and we actually continue to go the same way spiritually . It's not like we always are excited about the same things in the spirit . You have your own gifting , I have my own gifting . I have my relationship with God , you have yours . But because there's such a unity on big things , we kind of just like we just see eye to eye .
Speaker 2And .
Speaker 1I would just I would encourage any single person you deserve that Wait for that Number two how to tell if they're the one you genuinely enjoy being around them .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1You genuinely enjoy being around them , meaning that you like each other's company . I think that's one of the big things that helped us is that we've just liked each other from January 14th 1998 . Yeah , we've enjoyed being around each other , being friends .
Speaker 2I think I hear a lot of people and having friends is great sisters , brothers , it's great but your spouse ? I believe in your being best friends with your spouse . It doesn't mean that you can't have other best friends and things like that , but you should be best friends with your spouse . I think a lot of people get into relationships and they're not meaning that they have chemistry . They have an attraction , a sexual attraction , but outside of the bedroom we don't really like the same things . He sits on the couch . He watches football .
Speaker 1Plays video games all day . I can't stand yeah .
Speaker 2And I go to the salon and get my nails done and I'm hanging with my friends . That doesn't last long term because when the hard times come , when you have to discipline your children , when stuff goes down and then you have to come together , it's hard to agree and agree , to disagree and compromise when you just don't really like each other like that .
Speaker 1Yeah , I think that like is a huge step towards love and a lot of people say , well , I feel like I'm falling out of love , we'll see if you can get back into like um one thing , some of the things that we are , we , we did everything together I'm talking about we had picnics in the park , bowling together , roller skating together , ice skating together . We try new things together and I don't think that that should just be like the premarital state . I think that there should be a friendship .
Speaker 1I think , that great marriages are built on the bedrock of friendship .
Speaker 2Well , like is different than love . You can love someone but not like them , and you can like someone and not love them . And I think a lot of people get married because you do love each other , like I love people in my life , but do I like my spouse ? That's a whole different thing . You can be married for 10 years and you love each other , meaning that you know I'll go to battle for you . I you know I'm here for you but I don't like you .
Speaker 1Talk to the married person right now that feels like they don't like their spouse . Is there a way to get back into like ?
Speaker 2repent to God . Whatever I need to repent about . Father you know , I haven't been liking my husband . I stopped adoring him , I stopped doing things to win him over and win your friendship . And so if you were my best friend or , you know , like a girlfriend you know of mine , I would be like , oh , it's your birthday , you know , let's go do this , or , hey , let's go out and have a good time . Or I would do certain things to keep my friendship with you . And so I would start to do those things to my husband .
Speaker 1um , wow , yeah , I would just kind of be friendly well , yeah , that's like another podcast for another day , and if you guys have questions , please put your questions in the comments and reach out to us , and we would love to hear your comments and perspectives . Here's the thing like about the like thing .
Speaker 2It can make you feel sad , like if you're not in like with your spouse they probably know it and you probably know it and it hurts your feelings . It's a sad place to be . Like , dag , they don't like me . It's that rejection , you know it's this feeling of rejection , it's a feeling of I want you to like me , like that , and I think a lot of people can't put their words , their tongue , on the exact expression , because it's like , well , I do love you , I do this and I do that . We've been together . And if I didn't love you , but do you like me ? And if we can together as husband and wife ?
Speaker 1explore that .
Speaker 2I think we'll go far .
Speaker 1Okay , well , back to the single people on how to tell if they're the one number three . They Okay . Well , back to the single people on how to tell if they're the one number three . They handle conflicts , problems and pain appropriately . I think this is a big one because you got to go through enough seasons in your dating life to see . How are they going to handle conflict Right , how are they going to handle pain , loss , problems , difficulty , because really charm can be deceptive and anybody can be charming . But I want to see not how you handle the mountaintop in the infatuation stage of the relationship , but how do you handle the valleys , how do you handle the pain , how do you handle the loss , because that's part of life very much and over 25 years .
Speaker 1there's been tons of difficulties that we've had to tread through and the question is does difficulties send that person back to drinking , smoking , cheating , pornography , working late hours , not coming home ? Or does difficulty send them to prayer , fasting , small group , counseling , therapy , doing good , overcoming evil with good ? You are looking for a person that , when pain hits like life's gonna to slap them , do they run to their knees ? How do they respond to ?
Speaker 1this Because a lot of life success is just going to be like how do we handle the hard spaces , how do we handle the pain ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I think that's a big one . I think , as you're getting to know each other , you know we tell stories . We should be finding out about each other's past and hey , well , you know , when you were in high school , you know what about this or that , or you know , so you're learning each other In those stories . Go a little deeper and probe Okay , well , you , you know , had this horrible thing that happened when you were 16 , how do you feel about it now ? Well , how did you deal about ? How did you deal with that ? And if the responses are like , yeah , well , I still hate them , or yeah , they still get on my nerves to this day , don't even say that name .
Speaker 2That's a that tells you that gives you a clue on how they handle hardship , difficulties , injustices . On the other hand , if they , you know , hey , yeah , well , actually , we're best friends now , well , actually I'm still hurt by it . We didn't get to reconcile but I pray for them anytime . I think anything hard , then that gives you clues as well . So , as we're knowing each other , let's go a little deeper .
Speaker 1It's good stuff . All right , how about this one , number four ? You have similar values and priorities in life . How to tell if they're the one you have similar values and priorities ? Yeah , so your moral maps should lead you kind of to the same place . Yeah , all right .
Speaker 1And so when I found you , um , I thought you were beautiful , but what I really liked about you was your kindness . What I really liked about you was your nurturing nature . What I really liked about you was your care for everybody , whether it be animals , friends , what was happening , even more than yourself . What I really liked about you is that you played no games . What I really liked about you is that you played no games . What I really liked about you is that I felt that you were genuine and that you wasn't trying to be tough . You were trying to um , I liked your positive persona in life . All of those things , I think , are things that many single people overlook when finding somebody . But , like I , was attracted to a lot of the inside , a lot of the character stuff , the same morals .
Speaker 1I remember on our first date Boston , beanery , morgantown , west Virginia probably January 16th 1998 , we are having our first date and somehow the conversation comes up and I find out that you don't use profanity , you don't cuss , and I was shocked by that because I didn't use profanity either . I just felt like if I can't articulate myself without being profane , I need to work on my vocab . And so I had never met another woman who didn't use profanity . And if I was with a woman and she start using S and F and H and blah , blah , blah , blah , blah , I just thought like , come on , now can we take it up a little higher ?
Speaker 1And I'm not trying to judge everybody for how they want to use their language , but this is just me . This is my story , this is what . And so when you said that , it was like wow , that's amazing . I was attracted to us having same value , same like morals .
Speaker 2I felt the same way . I was attracted to you because , again , you said you went to the same church that I was going to . That attracted me to you because it told me oh , you believe the same thing , I believe You're searching for the same thing that I'm searching for . We're on this same path together . I liked you because you kind of like , were kind and you smiled and you weren't playing games with me . You didn't .
Speaker 2I didn't feel like you were just trying to get with me because I looked nice and you just you didn't , you weren't interested in a relationship , you just wanted to be like oh , that girl over there , you know I was with her , I got with her , or whatever , and so you made me feel secure . And I liked you because you were confident as well . Like , you were articulate and kind of knew what you were talking about , and all of that meant something to me . And so , had you come to me like nonchalant , like you didn't care , I would be like why are you even ? You know , why are you even asking me my name if you don't care ? Like , please , you know , you you even asking me my name if you don't care ? Like , please , you know you're getting a fake number did you give out a fake number ?
Speaker 2I did . I gave out so many fake numbers , so messed up it's wrong , I know you know I I did ?
Speaker 1I gave out so many fake numbers , but um , yeah , I hit you with the genuine approach , the the nice guy approach , and it worked .
Speaker 2I'm glad you did , because I was really nice and I just wasn't the one I was , so done with people being dumb .
Speaker 1And we'll give you one more . Number five is you have that gut feeling that this is the one All right that gut feeling , I think if you want to say , how do I find the one ? Do you have that gut feeling ? Now , for us who are believers , let's take the gut feeling . Do you have that check in your spirit ? Do you have the peace of God that , hey , this is the one . And that's what I had at 18 years old 19 years old , 20 years old I had that gut feeling that this is my person .
Speaker 2I think I you know it was so hard for me to articulate how I felt . I don't know if I've ever thought about it before because it's hard for me to connect to unsaved Tabitha before Christ . You know what I mean . Sitting at a bar and looking at you , but that leap in your stomach . I remember sitting there and you said well , I go to church , I see you in church on Sunday , and literally I was just like that was a gut for me , unsaved Tabithaa . That was a gut . Like it just made an impact in me , like it was like whoa , what is like a bomb exploded .
Speaker 1So there you go , baby I don't know if I believe you . I feel like that's the truth this whole podcast you've been looking to try to go back and try to fix your I was spiritually dead at that point you know what I mean .
Speaker 2Like I didn't get saved until what we were . We knew each other for like a year and I was still unsaved . So it was . It's really hard for me to connect , but I can connect to that that gut , like I was like whoa Anyway .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1Well , the scripture says that the sons of God are led by the spirit of God , and I believe that the Holy spirit leads us in all things material things , business things , professional things , dating things , sexual things , everything , everything that we need in our life . I believe you can ask the Holy Spirit , and the Holy Spirit hooked me up when he led me to you , and I believe that there are many single people maybe you're watching this and our prayer for you is that the Holy Spirit will help you have the desires of your heart as well , but our encouragement to you is that you are worth the wait .
Speaker 1Marriage is not something to be made an idol of . You don't have to be married to be fulfilled , and you don't have to be married to be happy . There's nothing missing , lacking or broken in you because you are single . I would rather you be single and satisfied than married and miserable . And 1 Corinthians , chapter 7 , actually gives you an assignment as a single believer , that you can be about the work of the Lord when you get married . You're going to have to be about the work of the world or you're going to have to take care of your spouse .
Speaker 1But you are in a season right now that you should be the first at church , you should be the first to lead a group , you should be going on missions trips , you should be riding jet skis , you should be bringing people together , having fun . Yeah , no need to be discouraged or depressed and feeling like your biological clock is ticking . What God has for you will come in the right time and in the right season , and I would just encourage you to set yourself to be the most joyful person , the most spirit-filled person , and don't be pressed and just wait for God . And it's just amazing . What I've seen is , if you're doing what God's called you to do , he has this amazing ability to bring somebody right alongside and while you're doing what you're called to do , and they're doing what they're called to do , all of a sudden you'll look up and be like that's my person .
Speaker 2You'll know it .
Speaker 1They'll know it and we'll love to hear that testimony in that story . Hey , we're out of time for today , but we hope that this blessed you . It blessed us to be able to share with you single people . If you enjoyed today , share this with everybody that you can . I mean , share it with everybody that's single , that you work with , that you live beside , your girlfriends , your guy friends . Some of you all are single . Again , okay , share it with other people that are single again .
Speaker 1And we just want to provide life changing content . Of course , if you're new and you're on our YouTube family , hit the subscribe button and the icon so that you can be the first to grab the content Whenever it comes out . We release a new video every Thursday at 3 pm and we would love for you to be a part of our family . We call this doing life with Ken and Tabitha , because we don't know everything , but we do know a few things and we want to share the good , the bad , the ups and the downs , and we are building an online family to help us grow closer to God and also closer to the people that God has placed in our life .
Speaker 1This is what we believe that when you get better , the marriage will get better . If you're ever in the Florida area , come by worship with us at Alive Church . We have a campus in Orlando , we have a campus in Tampa , we have a campus in .
Speaker 1Gainesville , florida and hopefully a campus coming other places as well . If you say when is the best time to come , I would say the second week of October . Every second week of October we have a special conference called Alive Conference . It is an encounter God conference . If you want to go deeper in your relationship with Jesus , we have breakout sessions and masterclasses . If you want more information about Alive Conference or to get tickets , the website will be in our show notes and until next week we hope you have a blessed , blessed time and we'll see you soon . Peace .