Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning in to this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We want to do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
Speaker 2Hey everyone .
Speaker 1What's up everybody , Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and .
Speaker 2Tabitha .
Speaker 1We're so pumped to have you guys with us . We have been married for 25 years y'all . It has been the best 23 years of my life . You do the math . The first two years was horrible , but now Tabitha got herself together and things are much better , praise God .
Speaker 2Yes , I did get myself together , but I'm not the only one that had some getting together to do . We had a lot of getting together to do , and so we welcome you to our podcast .
Speaker 1This , of course , is a relationship and marriage podcast first and foremost , but it's not just that . It's also a personal growth podcast . And our goal is to help people get closer to God and also to the people that God has placed in our lives , and so welcome .
Speaker 2Amen . And hey , if you're new to our podcast , we want to say welcome , we pray for you , we pray for the people who watch and listen , and also we just pray that God brings people in our path that really need this . We don't just want to be entertaining , but we want to give life-changing information so we share with you our lives and what God has done to change our lives so that you can do the same , and we've got a lot of people who write in .
Speaker 1They write in , and we want you to do this as well . We want to build a community . There's so many people that are lonely nowadays or they feel like they don't have a place to belong , and I know that we're online and maybe we've never even met personally , but we want to welcome you into a part of the doing life of Ken and Tabitha family and so you can write in let us know .
Speaker 1Rachel wrote in , says this podcast is what we needed . My husband and I listened to the one about the seven signs of a sexless marriage and how to fix it . It blessed our souls . I've hit the subscribe button .
Speaker 1I think it blessed more than your soul . But thank you so much , rachel , for writing in , and we get these kind of testimonies all the time , and so , if you're new to our podcast , we release a new episode every Thursday at 3 pm . We would love for you to tune in , but you can also hit the subscribe button . If you're on YouTube , hit the icon button . Share a review a positive one , of course . Let us know how this has been a blessing to you .
Speaker 1Your encouragement and prayers over us help us continue to bring you content that is life-changing and valuable as well .
Speaker 2Hey , but today's episode it's going to be good , it's going to be real good .
Speaker 1We're ready to go , we're ready to go .
Speaker 2We're ready to go .
Speaker 1Today's episode is entitled Sex and a Sandwich . Sex and a Sandwich , all right .
Speaker 2One of my favorite phrases after being married for 25 years .
Speaker 1Yeah , why is that ?
Speaker 2It's just simple , easy peasy .
Speaker 1What do you hope people get out of today ?
Speaker 2Well , we didn't tell them . You know technically what that's about .
Speaker 1But , I hope husbands and wives get a better sex life yeah yeah , and so , yeah , this is specifically targeted to married people and we really want to help people have great sex again . I just feel like in the world they have portrayed sex between two people that are unmarried , two people in whatever ungodly situation they can come up with . They make sex hot and passionate and all of these things . And then when it comes to the marriage sex it's like this is my ball and chain and it's repetitive and it's monotonous and it's the same thing and we say to heck with that .
Speaker 1That is not what we have to have . We can actually have healthy sex lives , and we're talking about 25 years of experience . We can have robust sex lives . We can have great sex lives and , matter of fact , I think that the best sex is godly sex , without question . Great sex is the best sex is between a man and a woman who's married , who love one another , and the longer you're together it gets better because the intimacy grows .
Speaker 2You have history , you have history together and it's more meaningful . Um , and yeah , I think you know , we see , I mean , we love the romance movies . Me personally , I love a good rom-com , like I'm like and you've suckered me into it I do like them too . Now I personally , I love a good rom-com .
Speaker 1Like I'm like , and you've suckered me into it as well , I do . You like them too .
Speaker 2Now I mean they're so good , they never . I mean they're not , it never . A good rom-com has never hurt anyone .
Speaker 1But do you know my problem with rom-coms ? My problem with rom-coms is that they only deal with the infatuation stage of a relationship . They usually end with the first kiss .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1So they go through this whole thing and they come through a scene where they almost kiss but they don't kiss and then they break up and then there might be somebody else . But they fall in love and that's the problem with many people's relationship is they get stuck in the infatuation stage , which is the butterfly feeling stage , but they don't know how to go into the fight for power stage , into the mature stage of the relationship .
Speaker 2It's almost like we get tricked into thinking that's all there is . Especially if you grew up without a man and a woman in a home , without your mom and father in the home , without seeing the example of a marriage in the home , you think that that's all there is . Is this infatuation , butterflies , we love each other and we're ripping each other's clothes off . It's like we think that it's produced all the time , Like we kiss and then all of a sudden we teleport into the bedroom and our clothes , you know , fall off of our bodies .
Speaker 1And it's hot , and it's sweaty and it's steamy , and so then , after you get married for five years .
Speaker 2There's like this music in the background playing .
Speaker 1Then , after you're married for five years , 10 years , 15 years , you almost subconsciously think something's wrong married for five years 10 years , 15 years you almost subconsciously think something's wrong .
Speaker 2Yeah , because you're not having good sex and everybody else is . That's the way it looks . On social media Well , you think it's supposed to be one way , but that's not real , but it's not that we're going to give you the real deal today .
Speaker 1We're going to give you the real deal . Can you give me just a little bit of your perspective , maybe as a woman ? How ?
Speaker 2do you view sex or ?
Speaker 1maybe even as a woman of God .
Speaker 2Absolutely . I think that , first , sex is a gift to the married man and the married woman . I think this is a gift from God , created by God , it's holy , and so I think it's something to be celebrated . I think , secondly , sex is a need between the married man and the married woman for intimacy , emotional needs for the woman I know I'm putting us in groups , but for the most part women are very emotional and we have an emotional need satisfied whenever we are intimate . For the men , you know there's a physical need there , a sexual appetite . That is not unholy , but it's okay , you have that , and so I think it's a need , I think it's a gift , and I also think that it's something that we should not , as husband and wife , withhold from one another .
Speaker 2I know First Corinthians , I think chapter seven talks about the marital bed and that the husband should not withhold the sex or his body from the wife , and and also the wife shouldn't withhold from the husband . So I think it's something that's a gift from God . We should enjoy it and celebrate it and have a lot of it , and not withhold it . Does that make sense ? Come on , give me some horns for that . That's what I'm talking about right there .
Speaker 1Yeah , I believe that as well . Why do you feel like ? I feel like when it comes to talking about sex , especially in the church world , it feels taboo . It's almost like if we talk about sex , even you can see , sometimes with people's comments , like man , they're talking about this topic so raw and so real , without hesitancy , and sometimes that makes people uncomfortable . But we don't feel about it that way . We look at it as this is a gift from God . Sex is God's idea . He obviously made it .
Speaker 1I always say that sex has two or three main purposes . Number one it's for procreation , so that we can be fruitful and multiply . Number two , it's for enjoyment . It's for enjoyment between man and wife , husband and wife . And when you read the book of Solomon or the songs of Solomon , you can see this enjoyment towards sex and how sex is described as something that's wonderful and beautiful and something that's to be enjoyed . And so I think that there are people in the Christian world that they go off into well , sex is just to have babies . Well , that's very mechanical and I ain't with it . Or there's other people that just they get just the other side . It's almost like because of their past sexual traumas or how they view sex is dirty . When they come into the marriage relationship , they bring all of this philosophy that they've gotten from the world or their past trauma with them .
Speaker 1And then they have a hard time just opening up with their spouse and being free to enjoy this wonderful gift . Can you just speak to that a little bit ? Because I know that you've had sexual trauma and things like that .
Speaker 2Oh , absolutely . And I've know , because of my sexuality or even talking about my body , I've been shamed about that . I mean all of these things you know you have to overcome by the blood . You know the blood of the lamb , like you know , jesus sets us free . But I will say that you know we have an enemy . You know we have Satan . You know he takes what God created and he perverts it , and so God created sex . It's something good , it's something to be celebrated . He created our bodies you know for we are fearfully and wonderfully made right .
Speaker 2So he created us , and I think the enemy has had a long time to establish perverse feelings , thoughts , institutions , like everything , when it comes around sex , and I think it's something that should be celebrated . But most of us I believe , most believers we come into the body of Christ and we have to renew our minds when it comes to our perspective about sex . We have to , just like anything else in life , go back to the word , the written word of God , and say what does God say about sex ? What was his intention about sex ? How does he view sex ? And we can find that , just like you said , all throughout the Bible , why do you think that people ?
Speaker 1this is a stumbling block for some , though , or why is this a
struggle ?
Speaker 2I think we've been hurt . It's something that has been very intimate . I think that it has been used as a weapon against us . It's been used as a weapon against women and then it has been used as a weapon against men . So many people have been sexually abused , sexually assaulted , and we have those bad memories and traumatic experiences that we need to overcome and be free of .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's one thing , the trauma , but I also think that there's a lack of information .
Speaker 2There's a lack of godly information .
Speaker 1So I'm even seeing people that might have saved themselves for sex until marriage , but then they get married and their sex life is not very good because it was an area that they didn't think about at all . There was no training . They went through premarital counseling . Nobody really told them where the clitoris is or their body parts are , or how to reach climax or what's right and what's wrong , and so there's a level of sexual frigidness instead of sexual liberation like godly liberation .
Speaker 2Well , it's one of those things that said , like you know , we don't talk about it in church and you know you talk about it with a level of appropriateness , but we don't talk about it with our kids and like starting from . You know , sex starts when they're a little , you know like a little boy and you know , just learning to talk , and he's like Mommy , what's this Baby ? That's a penis . Boys have the penis .
Speaker 1And we always teach our kids what is it ? Anatomy ?
Speaker 2We teach them specific body parts , because you can't be afraid Like when I was growing up , people would whisper like the penis , the vagina . They use the word oh , she's a virgin . I thought virgin was a cuss word . I didn't say it for years of my life because I thought it was a cuss word and I shouldn't say it because people said virgin .
Speaker 1Yeah , we got to take back . We have to redeem those words . We have to celebrate virginity , okay , without creating condemnation for people who were like us that was not virgins when we got married , but we have to celebrate virginity . We have to use body parts . This is sweetheart , this is your vagina .
Speaker 2So that there's no shame .
Speaker 1There's no shame . This is your penis . Boys have a penis , girls have a vagina . God made it for and it's all age appropriate . You're not giving us a . I learned about masturbation . I learned it when I was like 12 years old , 11 years old . Honestly at like a family reunion from a cousin that was like 16 or 17 and I was like 10 or 11 . And so I like to try to- .
Speaker 2That's so common .
Speaker 1I know I like to try to beat to the punch . So I know , when my kids go into sports teams and locker rooms , I remember when I heard the words like boner or heard words like that and I didn't know what it was . I remember I was at an AAU basketball tournament in a hotel with a kid that might've been . You know , I didn't know those words . I just want to beat to the punch when it comes to my kids . I want to say hey , you might hear this . Let me give you a godly perspective , a biblical perspective and dad's perspective concerning . So I want to get in front of it , but I'm trying to be age appropriate . I think that sometimes we as parents make those conversations too hard . We don't know how to have them and I would rather just be technical but straightforward so they can get the right information before the wrong .
Speaker 2You agree with that . I agree 100% yeah .
Speaker 1So sex to us is not taboo . But how do we overcome ? So we both had a sexual past . Okay , it's a sexual past that we're not proud about , but you can't change your past . So we don't live in condemnation .
Speaker 1That's right , okay , we've done things that was sinful . We've made mistakes . Right , okay , we've done things that was sinful , we've made mistakes . But then , after we got rededicated our life to the Lord , we got filled with the Holy Spirit . We did make a decision that we're going to do everything God's way , and I talk about everything . I'm talking about financially . I'm going to steward money God's way . My time , my calendar , I'm going to do it God's way . My sexuality , I'm going to do it God's way .
Speaker 1And we went through a season where we really renewed our mind and we sat down with a pastoral couple and we said we want you guys to teach us everything that you know about sex , and we want to hear it from mentors , godly people , people that's been married for 30 years , that we see fruit in their life , and so what we teach now , 25 years into marriage , is things that we learned 20 years ago when we were just having difficult conversations and I remember we would talk about sex and I would ask you a question . I would say , sweetheart , what do you not like that I do sexually , what do you like ? And I remember you say , well , I don't like this and I don't like that . And then we will go .
Speaker 2I will say it was so awkward at first and so highly uncomfortable .
Speaker 1Yeah that's where I'm going . Okay , yeah and so . But a lot of people aren't willing to have those conversations . Then go into the experience and say , well , I'm not going to do this . Hey , sweetheart , you like that ? Well , no , I don't really like that . I mean , it's just like a buzzkill .
Speaker 1I mean it's just a mood killer . It's just like you don't have to adjust . I mean , we've went through menopause and babies and kids and ups and downs and you can't continue to talk about it . But I think many people aren't talking openly In our family meetings when we're on rhythm and doing them weekly . One of the things in our family meetings every single week is how sex yeah , Scale of one to ten . What could we do ? More , what could we do less Do ?
Speaker 1you like you know , and it's just this touch point where we want to make sure . I want to make sure I'm meeting your needs and I think that you do the same for me .
Speaker 2I think it's true . You know , it's one much preparation that you do for marriage , you know , and it's more than just coming in as a whole person and working on yourself but then understanding that you're going into a covenant relationship , you're entering into an institution , any institution you enter into . Think about going to college . You had to get your dorm supplies . You had to buy your pillows Like we have a , a sophomore now and there's , you have to , like , buy so much stuff to just live , you know , eat food , snacks , whatever . Then you have to buy clothing , then you have to buy your books and your laptops and like all of this stuff , there's a mindset also , like we're preparing you . Okay , this is how it's going to be for your day-to-day life . Marriage is an institution , it's a whole thing , it's a way of life for the rest of your life .
Speaker 1And it has to consistently be tweaked .
Speaker 2And there are things that you have to maintain all the time . Sex is one of them . Finances is one of them .
Speaker 1Communication you can't take your foot off the gas on this one , that's right . When of them , finances is one of them Communication , you can't take your foot off the gas on this . That's right . When you get married , you continually have to check up . So let's talk about this title very quickly . Sex and the Sandwich I love it Okay , we've picked this title on purpose . Why ?
Speaker 2Because here's the thing you know , like you said , we've been married for 25 years . We've been in ministry for I don't know how many years . I don't know how many women's conferences I've preached or how many marriage conferences we've preached , and things like that . And like if you were to give me a tip , like about the sex life , or like ask me , give me one bit of advice to you know , have a happy marriage and to keep my man happy , I would say sex in a sandwich . As long as he has a sandwich and some sex , he's happy . I'm telling you .
Speaker 1Can I get an applause right there ? I need an applause .
Speaker 2It's real easy .
Speaker 1Cause all of my men said hey man sex in a sandwich . I look at it like this and this is what I , you know . I think that , um , we're in this sex battle , secularly right now , where there's like women who are taking out the trauma that they've had , and there are mad at men , and then there are men who are mad at women , and so sometimes when you hear , like take care of my man , you're like , well , what about me ? What about me ? What about ?
Speaker 2me .
Speaker 1This is not the segment for that . We're going to go to the , to the men's responsibilities in a few weeks . Y'all , y'all , just hang out with us . We're a family .
Speaker 2And there is . We do you know . We understand that people have been hurt . We understand there's anger . We understand that people are going through things , it still doesn't make it right to you know misappropriate your anger or blame .
Speaker 1One of the best pieces of advice that we can give you in a marriage is don't try to change your spouse , because you can really only change you . You're right . So when you read a book or you hear a sermon or you listen to a podcast , it shouldn't be like oh , yeah , yeah , yeah , they need this , they need that . You should be saying God , how can I get better ? How can I improve as a , as a wife ? How can I improve as a husband ? A wife , how can I improve as a husband ? How can I improve as a parent ? Because the only person you can change is you , and the only way that person's going to change is that God has to change them .
Speaker 1If you ever try to change your spouse , you will always be frustrated and you will always be disappointed , and so this is called sex and a sandwich , what a husband really wants . And I think that we're starting here and we'll get to the ladies later on . But I would say this for men . We're simple , I agree , and I can't speak for all men but for the men I know we're simple .
Speaker 1It is not that hard to make your man happy , like if I have a sandwich and I have some sex with my wife . I'm like all right , I'm pretty good , I'm doing pretty well . I mean , it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood .
Speaker 2It's true , because we've been through a lot of the phases in life . We've been through where we didn't have kids yet . We were five years married without kids and then we had kids . But I was doing my thing career-wise , you were doing yours . I could not be home all day long , leave early in the morning , come home late at night because I'm out grinding , but as long as I came home and you had a sandwich and sex , it was all good . We've been through the phases where we had kids , you know , and I'm like , oh my gosh , my body feels crazy . I feel crazy . You know I got a newborn , all of this stuff . The house could be a wreck . You know there might not be any other food in the refrigerator , but I ordered a sandwich .
Speaker 1You are over over overstating that there's never not been food .
Speaker 2There's never been there .
Speaker 1That's the point of the whole segment Right right . Like have some food in the refrigerator .
Speaker 2It's true .
Speaker 1Well , here's
the thing .
Speaker 2So people say the number one complaint is or like my number one objection to this is Pastor Tab . I don't know how to cook , I'm not like that .
Speaker 2And my response is you don't have to know how to cook a gourmet meal , but , as a wife , in my opinion you need to know how to cook something , and what I'm saying is just know how to make a sandwich . I know wives who their husband is happy with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich , and that's okay . Now , you would never go for that a peanut butter and jelly , okay , but that's all right . I know people that are happy with a ham and cheese , a turkey and cheese . You like yours , I make yours kind of like gourmet three layers on it .
Speaker 1You have spoiled me . I put a layer of meat cheese lettuce .
Speaker 2I put an olive on top , yeah .
Speaker 1I was fine back in the day and then you came in and you changed my whole taste buds , because that's just what I like to do , yeah you changed my whole taste buds . Now you can't go tell the world like I'm sadiddy and I need everything and I can't do a peanut butter and jelly sandwich .
Speaker 2Because when we first met , I was eating peanut butter and I could make my own food , my own food . But now you stepped in and I got to do that , no more , and I feel good about it .
Speaker 1My man is going to eat the best , okay , so that's your decision to take care of me , and it's much , much appreciated .
Speaker 2You're welcome . You're welcome .
Speaker 1So now I'm like how can I take care of you ? But I think what I pick out from that as well is that you need to talk in the premarital states about domestic responsibilities .
Speaker 2Learn how to cook .
Speaker 1We understand that there's going to be men who do the cooking ? We understand that our roles can be reversed , but we're talking about principles , because we talk to hundreds , if not thousands , of couples all over the place , and these are the common things . The common things is like , listen , and you say , hey , if you can just fix the sandwich , can I just take it a step further and see , and and this goes back to the part about how there's things that I can say that are truth , but just because I'm a man , there are some women who don't want to hear it .
Speaker 1Now , if you go and say it , they'll be like oh , tabitha , you're just the wonderfulest thing ever .
Speaker 1Can we just pause right there , though , and just adjust that just a little bit , because there are some times that we have to hear from another man to better take care of our man . There are some things that you can say about how to take care of me , but there are some things that I know . I know men , I know man I've been a man , I've been around man , I play sports with man , I was raised by man that I can really speak to women who want to have great , great marriages about what you need to do to take care of your man .
Speaker 1And one of my pieces of advice please don't get upset with me is if you can't cook , you could learn to cook a little better . You could learn you could . I'm not saying that you got to go out and be Chef Boyardee or Paula Deen or whatever her name is . I'm not saying that you got to go out and have your own cooking show , but you could take a class , you could read a cookbook , you could get on YouTube University and figure out , man , what would that do for your relationship and your marriage ? Like for me , if there is something that I know that you need , I'm going to do the best that I can to go out and learn those traits or try to improve myself so that I can prove our relationship . I don't care what costs I have to pay and I just feel like if we take more of that position , you know we'll always have needs that are met better .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely , you know the Proverbs 31 woman a lot of . I hear a lot of women say , oh my gosh , the Proverbs 31 woman . It just stresses me out to read that , because it's like to me .
Speaker 1I was always encouraged by it .
Speaker 2But I think , a lot of my natural gifts and strengths . I like to cook , I like to clean , I like to dig in the garden , I like to do any . You know like I just like it all . But there are a lot of women who , especially nowadays , like don't do that , they don't like to cook , they don't like to clean , they don't like you know whatever . But my advice always is the Proverbs 31 woman isn't saying like you know , do this . You know like you have to be the source
of all of this .
Speaker 2But the Proverbs 31 woman . It says that she rose early in the morning and made sure that there was food for her maid servants and that she had her own businesses . She went out and brought linen and brought it back in and sold fine linens , and so she was a businesswoman and in her household she knew how to cook a little something , because she might have got up in the morning and made a continental breakfast for her helpers and maidservants who came into the house , meaning that she had people who came and helped her cook . She had people who came and helped her take care of her kids . She had people who came and helped her take care of her house .
Speaker 2And so , as a wife now , whatever that looks like for you , you have to figure it out and you have to define . You know what your household , what you need you know , and what it looks like for you to be a wife to your husband . You know . So you could have somebody come in and cook the food for you , but you still know how to make a sandwich at the end of the day right , well , it's not .
Speaker 1Yeah , well , he's still eating . He's still eating you might not know how to make it , but he's still eating .
Speaker 2Yeah , but what happens when you know the food's gone and you know you , you want to make something fresh or whatever . I don't know ? I think even just basically learn how to make a sandwich , I'm telling you it will bless his world , it will rock his world .
Speaker 1But here's the deal . It's this . This whole segment today is , yeah , we could park on a sandwich , but it's sandwich and and and sex .
Speaker 2You know what I'm saying ? It's the and a sandwich . It's the couple , it's the couple together , anything else .
Speaker 1So here's what I believe . I feel like you take care of me very well . We've been married for 25 years and I think there's a mindset .
Speaker 2I try .
Speaker 1Okay , I want you to just share with our women . I want you to bless women today . I want you to bless wives today . I really want you to bless them . I want you to bless them . I want you to add value to their lives . I want you . Can I get some horns right there ? I need you to come on . Can I get a scratch right there ? I need you to add some value to their lives . Just the greatest gift we could give people is mindset and perspective . Now , what they do with it is completely up to them . But as a man , I feel taken care of . You know and I heard this years ago , that when you eat well at home , you never have to eat out .
Speaker 2Come on .
Speaker 1And so I never feel like I have to eat out , because I eat very well at home . But you've positioned it that way so good .
Speaker 2And I heard somebody say the world is a buffet . Don't send your man out hungry . Maybe the buffet is at home in the house . You can all you can eat buffet At home .
Speaker 1There's some brothers . The last thing you want for your husband Is to be horny and hungry .
Speaker 2That's the last thing you want .
Speaker 1Him walking around in these streets Nowadays , horny and hungry .
Speaker 2So honestly , just knowing that , you know , what I mean . Like we said , counseling so many people and hearing what other men have to say . I'm like yeah , I do my best Not to send you out over to Africa . You know , just like we said , counseling so many people and hearing what other men have to say , I'm like , yeah , I do my best not to send you out over to Africa .
Speaker 1Horny and hungry . Horny and hungry , but here's the thing . But when you hear that woman of God , please don't hear like your man is some animal and he's a gorilla . No , you're different and that's what we need to embrace each other's differences . So I know that you're an emotional being first you like sex , like I like sex , but it's more physical . For me , it's a little bit more emotional for you and I can't demonize that in you and you can't demonize that in me .
Speaker 1We got to come to the place where we know each other's differences and we actually embrace them instead of demonize them .
Speaker 2Right ? I was going to say what turns me on begins emotional . For me , it starts with the emotions . What turns you on might be looking at me , seeing my hair , my face , my legs , whatever , and that's okay . I think that we have a sexual appetite the man and a woman , but I think the man's sexual appetite is definitely different than the women and that doesn't make you wrong . It makes you a man and it makes me a woman .
Speaker 1Yeah , so I embrace how you are , how God has made you . I'm not demonizing you . I don't want you to be like me and I think we can't be like that towards our man either .
Speaker 1We need to say , okay , that's how God's made them . Now how can I meet those needs ? And I'm just saying that's what you've done for me and I think you're going to add some value here . So can you just share with us what are some things that you've done to make sure that your man is not hungry and horny ? Sex and a sandwich . What have you done ? Very simple .
Speaker 2I think let's just talk about the sex side . I feel like we talked about the sandwich a lot , I mean , and that's just basically making a meal . I mean I can say a little bit , you know . So let's just say it's eight o'clock on a Thursday night and you know , and you came home and you already had dinner but like you're a little bit hungry or whatever , I mean I can go down and make you a sandwich . You know what I mean , it's no big deal , just make you a sandwich , and especially if it's a day where it's been .
Speaker 1You know , maybe you're stressed out or whatever . Sandwich and sex it's . It's a good day . Today is a good day .
Speaker 2It's like so easy , um , but
okay . So the sex part . I would like to say I don't know . I think with women , um , there's so many issues that we have . You know what I mean . We have our periods every 28 days , we have PMS , we have menopause , we have babies , I mean hormonally , there's so much that we deal with and so it's a real issue for us . But I think you know , and sometimes we have to just normalize , you know what sex is , and normalize that sex isn't just like some perfect thing and that it's okay to just kind of all right , it's .
Speaker 2You know , six o'clock on a Friday evening and I would like to go take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and spray on some hairspray and maybe a little lip gloss and stuff before we have sex . But you know what , I don't have time for that . So , hey , he doesn't care anyway . You know what I mean . So let's just go and have fun . I think sometimes , as women , we overthink it , like we overthink it . I want to be perfect , I'll speak for myself . I want to be perfect , I want to smell good , look good , but really it's for me , because I don't and you can speak for yourself . I mean , yeah , you don't want me to be unattractive , but was there ever a time that ?
Speaker 1don't tell me that you I don't know if I want to answer this question , okay but no , just answer it though .
Speaker 2Okay , was there ever a time where you're like , okay , we're going to have sex , but you're like , oh gross , I don't want to have sex with this woman . She's , you know , stinky or ugly or I don't know ? Like where you're just turned off , I feel like and I say I'll say this before you answer , because there have been so many times before we are about to have sex where I have felt now this is maybe having kids , newborn babies , you know , surgery , sickness , all this stuff that I have felt like I just feel like I need to go take a shower . I'm not fresh , I don't feel attractive , I don't feel sexy , my head is just not in it . Oh , my gosh , the kids are outside . Let me lock the door .
Speaker 2Like I have felt , like I don't want to do this . But because I have trained myself to be like you know what girl , get over it , enjoy your husband , enjoy your life . He don't care , get in here you know what I mean and have some fun . I kind of you know I do that in the end and I win . But I'm just saying , as far as overthinking it , that's a woman's mind . Like , have you ever came to sex like that Like feeling ? Oh , I just feel ugly and .
Speaker 2I just feel like I'm so gross right now .
Speaker 1I don't think so . No , I mean , I'm searching my brain , you , look like you're on another planet right now . Okay , so there's so many questions , and then hit me with the crickets . Hit me with the crickets Because I wasn't sure you wanted me to answer it for real , so I'm confused .
Speaker 2I do want you to be real .
Speaker 1And then I'm not sure that I should answer them . Questions , and then I'm not sure that I should answer them . Uh , so I have personally not come to sex , feeling like , oh , I'm dirty and nasty and I feel bad . That that I can remember .
Speaker 2I didn't think so . No , not at all , never , never .
Speaker 1That I can remember . And I do not remember ever feeling like you're that , so I don't want to have sex . You know , I can remember feeling like oh man , she is sick , she doesn't feel good , she has 101 temperature . Is this appropriate in this moment ? She had gas all day , I don't know .
Speaker 2Is she going to get me sick too ?
Speaker 1If this is going to go . So you know you just do it from the back or something . I mean it's just , yeah , it's . You . Don't breathe on me , you know what I mean . Like this is for married people only today .
Speaker 2Well , yeah .
Speaker 1I mean it's like , but no , in the mind of a man and we need our . We need to have real talks . This is not Sunday morning from stage where there's 12 year olds . This is like a marriage podcast . We need to have real talks . No , that ain't what I'm thinking at all .
Speaker 2Not at all , and because we've had these conversations before , I know that I know I'd be like , oh babe , but man , I was just at the game and I'm kind of hot , let me take a shower first . And you're like I ain't got time for a shower girl .
Speaker 1Now I would say that when you put attention to it and you go in and you put on some lip gloss and you got candles on and it looks like this is something that you want , not something that I sprung on you , that is more fraternal . But sometimes we've been married 25 years , nobody got time for that . We got five minutes before we got to jump out and take a kid to basketball practice or something . It's just life , and so we have a thing that we call them quickies and longies . So quickies is like we're going to do this real quick , we got somewhere to go .
Speaker 1A longie is where I'm going to come to orgasm , we're going to take our time . That's a longie . So sometimes we'll go into the encounter like is this , is this going to be a quickie or a longie ? And it just , it just I mean , but you developed that over 25 years , like , but I think . So what I think your point is that . What was your point with the asking me ?
Speaker 2these questions . It's like so I don't think like you think Right and I . I started out with saying that women tend to overthink the whole sex thing and we need to have everything perfect and everything needs to be right for us to have sex , and I think that limits the whole experience . It puts too much pressure , it takes the fun out of it , the spontaneity out of it .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2And you'll end up doing it once a week , because no time is ever really perfect , I think there's people out there doing it less than that baby . Yeah , I know that's the problem that we're having .
Speaker 1Okay , let's do this . Give me more Okay .
Speaker 2Give me more .
Speaker 1What else can you say if you were to say how to take care of your man ? So he's a simple being . We've got that . Sex is from God . We've got that . I think that there's a woman out there that can admit she's humble . I can feel her . She's like okay , I got to get this area right . I want to meet the needs of my man . Helper , bring some more value .
Speaker 2I would just say talk about it , Be open about it . If you have any hesitancies , past trauma , you feel insecure about certain things , talk about it . Some of you may need to get help . You may need to go talk to a good Christian counselor . You may need to overcome whatever things that are holding you back , Because a lot of women that I talk to as well they are more frigid or kind of sheepish in the bedroom because of Time out on that one , so I just got a question .
Speaker 1So some of the same women who are frigid ? Now with their husbands was was freaky , can I they they wasn't frigid before they got married .
Speaker 2You know what I'm saying ? Yeah , what happened ?
Speaker 1Ooh , I don't know , that's um so it's almost like and like they shouldn't have been doing what they were doing . All right , Because the Bible talks about how sex is between a married man and a married woman . Sex outside of that context is what we call sexual immorality . But a lot of people didn't know God or live fully for God , okay . And so they were out there doing whatever , okay . And then they got married and then became more frigid as years went on . Kids , responsibilities , I'm sleepy , et cetera , et cetera . I'm just just .
Speaker 2I don't know , I'll speak from my own experiences and some of the people that I've talked to . I think you know , sometimes before we get married and and especially for myself , I had sex before I was married because I thought it was an expression of love . I thought that it , you know , this was my way to let him know that I love him . This is my way to keep him and as long as he has sex with me , I know that he loves me . So I was willing to give it then because it was like that's how I knew that you love me . I needed to keep you that way . Does that make sense ? It was that emotional connection that I wanted .
Speaker 2But then , once we get married , if we have unresolved issues with our bodies or our past , those things didn't go anywhere . They're coming back . And now we're married , you're not going anywhere . You know what I mean , because I know that you love me . You said yes , you married me , you're here . I mean do you know what I mean ? The mindset is different . And me , you said , yes , you married me , you're here . I mean do you know what I mean ? The mindset is different . And now it's more so like , uh , you know it turned . No , you can't have me , because I don't know if I trust you , that's I don't know if you like me .
Speaker 2That's crazy , it's , it's backwards , but it happens .
Speaker 1But it all goes back to what you said unresolved issues and that's all we want to do today and this might , I feel like it's this , this episode painful for someone but if you can push through the pain . I believe that there is great harvest and breakthrough and blessing and also healing on the other side of some of these difficult conversations .
Speaker 2It's rewarding , I will say , because you know I was sexually abused myself growing up . I was sexually assaulted as a young woman , and so I was that woman . You know , before we got married we had sex before we got married and we had a great sex life . And then , you know , we got married and I had to overcome these issues and the trauma from my past and it was hard , it wasn't easy , but you can do it . And I faced those things with God , with the Word of God , with Christian counselor , with praise and worship , all of those things . And it's been over what ? 23 years now , and I've been healed of depression , I've been healed of anxiety and anger and all of those things that plagued me which put a weight on our sex life . Here's what I'm trying to say If you've experienced um traumatic past with you know sexual , you know whatever , um , you can overcome right , you can overcome and you can have a great sex life . Um , it can be everything you want it to be . You're going to have to work for it .
Speaker 1Okay , yeah , I believe that I'm thinking what troubles you ? Troubles you . It doesn't trouble me . I'm just thinking about the person who has not a good sex life . And they don't have trauma . Well , they didn't have that trauma .
Speaker 2You got to want it . You got to want it . If you don't want to have a great sexual life , you're just not going to want to . If you don't want to please your man , you're just not going to . I view you as I want to be the queen . I view you as my king . I want to do what the word says and I want to be a crown to your head . I want you to be like I am the man . I want to be like I am the best wife in the world . I don't need to be the best wife to anyone else , but to you . I need you to be like there's no one else that I could ever even think about , because my woman is the best . That's how I want to be to you .
Speaker 1And so sex and a sandwich there it is Okay , and that's , in return , how I want to be to you , and at that crossroads great marriages are born . Anything else that you could give women to add value , of how you take care of your man , how to take care of him , sex and a sandwich , specifically .
Speaker 2Anything else ? I don't know . I think I've said it all . Okay , honestly .
Speaker 1Well , I got a few , I got a few . Oh , come on and this is for my sisters , because I love y'all .
Speaker 2I love y'all .
Speaker 1I do . I love the ladies . I love the ladies .
Speaker 2I don mom , I got a sister . I love , I love , I love the fellas . You know , I love the fellas . How's that feel ?
Speaker 1it don't feel right does it you need to stop it , girl I love the ladies .
Speaker 2I didn't mean like I love the ladies , I know I love the ladies .
Speaker 1I just mean like I respect women . Yeah , I've never hit you , abused you anything , that I've even flirted with another woman in 23 years . So when women and it's a mate , they hear me just as a man giving a man perspective . They can hear it through their trauma . I love , I respect women . Yes , I value women . I'm the person that's always trying to build up women . I have two daughters .
Speaker 1I thought my third was going to be a daughter and I was happy about it . He you know I was believing for a son , cause I already had two daughters , but for some reason , if it was a daughter , I was going to be the greatest girl's dad ever so .
Speaker 1I love ladies , so hopefully this can just bring some perspective and value . I'm just from a man's perspective , but here's some things that I thought of of how to take care of your husband's needs . Right , find out his sexual rhythm and try to meet him there , okay , so is he the kind of guy that wants to have sex every two days , every three days , every day , once a week ? Okay , normally what happens is that we have someone who's frigid , married , someone who's a rabbit you know what I'm saying Someone who just so there's one spouse that wants to have sex all the time and one person that could really not even think about it , and you know once a quarter so what you have to do is you have to have communication and find out .
Speaker 1just ask a question here . You can ask sit down , how often would you like to have sex ? And if he's like every other day , okay , can we meet each other somewhere in the middle ? Or better yet ? Can you just submit to that and say my body's not my own , I'm not going to defraud ? Is that the word ? Or say no to sex .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1So I'm going to somehow get up for that rhythm and then hopefully he will ask you , how often would you ? And hopefully there can be a conversation in the middle somewhere . Okay , so that's number one
. The second piece of advice that I would give you is for you to initiate sex sometimes . Okay , woman of God , you initiate sex sometimes .
Speaker 2That's a real thing yeah .
Speaker 1It is because sometimes in like a man , loves to pursue . Okay , historically we are hunters , we like to go out , we like to catch . You know , I am not a big fan of ladies who are proposing to their husbands . I feel like you might snag you someone who will not lead you later on how you want to be led because you took over from the beginning . But anyway , that's just my personal opinion , all right , but this is what I do believe . I believe that in a marriage we both should initiate sex , sometimes Like it's a turn on , when you're like hey , babe , let's go upstairs . Hey , you know what you're doing tonight . Okay , wait , I'm going to , I'm going to be ready for you .
Speaker 1I'm like what you know . But if it's me all the time , and it's all the time , I'm just trying to get you ready and get you ready , get you ready . There's just something that's appealing to a man about a woman who wants it as well . Yeah , anything you want to add to that ?
Speaker 2No , I think that , yeah , anytime I'm like hey , babe , you are always down and always here for it , and I think that you know you enjoy it . You enjoy it pretty much .
Speaker 1All right , here's another piece of advice I would say make yourself attractive around the house . Ok , so God has created a man to be a visual being , and right now , the thing with men is that we are bombarded by visuals .
Speaker 2Okay .
Speaker 1Social media , explore page billboards , magazines , okay . So , a man , man of God , you have to learn to discipline your flesh , okay , and to have eyes for your wife and to focus Now . Whatever you focus on is going to expand . So you have to start to focus on her beauty , her sexiness , her appeal , her personality . Don't focus Now . Whatever you focus on is going to expand . So you have to start to focus on her beauty , her sexiness , her appeal , her personality .
Speaker 1Don't focus and many people in marriage , they focus on what they don't like about their spouse , and so you're filled with fault , finding , criticism and negative thoughts . You can intentionally make a choice that I'm going to like this . So you don't like his nose , but you like his smile ? Okay , focus on the smile . Don't focus on the nose or say , oh man , start to convince yourself that the nose is cute . You know what I'm saying . You have to control . See , this is what I call mind monsters , and we got to get control of the warfare that's happening in the mind . Okay , so make yourself attractive around the house . Men don't always want to go to sleep with Aunt Jemima . He want to go to sleep with aunt jemima .
Speaker 2He doesn't want a woman who's always in flannels . He does not want a woman sometimes you are stirring up trouble .
Speaker 1Sometimes he wants to see okay , because he's a visual being he wants to see a little bit of negligee , or maybe a little bit of nudity , or maybe a little bit of something , just you know . So what happens , and I don't know why this is trouble .
Speaker 2It's trouble . Somebody is mad at you right now .
Speaker 1Well , you know , I don't care about that .
Speaker 2I think because you can hear it through ears of man . I just want to relax when I go home . I'm not saying don't relax what you mean . I have to wear makeup in the house . I got to have my hair done . I mean , can I just be me , can he just not love me for me ? What ? What does that mean ?
Speaker 1Okay , well , that's a perspective , but if your marriage ain't good , listen to another perspective . And the other perspective is this you get dressed up to go to work and give everybody your best . You got your high heels on , you got a skirt that's probably a little too short , Got your makeup looking good and then you come home and give the one that you took his last name Crumbs , and you want to know why your sex life is not all that . It's because you're giving everybody else your best and you're giving the most important person in your life your leftovers . And I'm not saying that you've got to dress up and have on makeup at 10 o'clock at night . What I'm saying is just pay attention .
Speaker 2I'll speak to that , though , because I know what you're saying . I did that on purpose because you and I want to say to the wives listening , and maybe you feel some kind of way about what he just said this is a man's perspective A man's man . This is probably your man's perspective , okay .
Speaker 1Maybe , and so you know if you're married to a man's man .
Speaker 2Here's what I do , though , because I understand that you want to see something that looks good . I mean , I want to see something that looks good , I would . I don't want you walking around looking crazy , you know Right . But anyway , for me I take that and I mean no , of course you know I can wear no makeup , I can . You know , I'm not at home like looking like I'm on a magazine cover , but I wake up in the morning and I brush my teeth , I put on lip gloss or lipstick or chapstick .
Speaker 2Actually , in my nightstand , by my bed , I keep some essential oils , I keep some lubrication , I keep some breath spray and I keep some lip gloss , because I just want my lips , I just personally , because for me , I just want to feel feminine , I want to feel beautiful and you know so , like in the middle of the night something happens , I can always go and put it in the drawer and turn around and act like I just been fresh the whole time . Baby , this is how God made me . I'm telling all my secrets , but you already know that You've seen me have three kids , oh my goodness . So anyway , I think they're just it's the little things you know like . Like my hair . It might be . I'll pull my hair up instead of having it you know , I don't know crazy I'll put it up in a little bun , a messy bun on top of my head . Just try to keep some type of you know , attraction there .
Speaker 1So my advice . Thank you for that of you know attraction there , so my advice , thank you for that , my advice would be to ask your man what he likes , yeah , that's it .
Speaker 1So if he likes flannels , rock a flannel , come on . If he likes whatever he likes , figure that out , yeah . But and it's not an every night thing , this is not legalism , this is just like pay attention to it . Same goes for men Like I'm . We're getting a lot of comments and DMs and things where the women are like I'm just not attracted to him anymore . He's overweight , he's not . Would you please teach men about hygiene .
Speaker 2I need to do a whole podcast on man's hygiene . You know I was so thankful that you're going to a sexual encounter with your wife .
Speaker 1Wash your hands clean out from beneath your fingernails , make sure your breath is fresh , make sure your hair is a trim . You got bush everywhere , brother , like come on man . We need to give each other our best . I want to still be attractive for you 65 , 70 years old . I want to give you my best . I want to let myself go For the sake of time . I got to move on .
Speaker 2Ask him what he likes .
Speaker 1I think that's huge . That would be a piece of advice . Don't demonize him for being a man thinking he's visual .
Speaker 2That's not bad , don't demonize him .
Speaker 1Don't approach sex and intimacy out of obligation . Oh , it is , the Bible tells me . I got to give you some . Well , we know how your sex drive is man . No , keep it literally like there's guys who's walking around , like , if that's what it's gonna be , I'll go around three , four months . I don't even care like , don't make it like an obligation . My hope is that you know we can teach , because I don't know where this happens . But really sex should be enjoyable for man and woman period , and if sex is not enjoyable for the woman , I think that's where we got to start the conversation .
Speaker 2Why yeah ?
Speaker 1Is there something not buttons ? He's not pushing things he doesn't know , because it should be enjoyable for man and woman and I'll leave it at that for today , do you ? Have anything else you wanted to jump on . I felt like your mouth was watering , like you wanted to say something .
Speaker 2No , I think you said it all very well . There was a point that I had , but I forget it , so it's probably you know it's done , We'll let it go . But sex and a sandwich . That's good advice we have helped somebody today .
Speaker 1If this has brought value to you , has given you a different perspective to chew on and consider , you've got to let us know . Email us , all right . The email address is in the show notes . Comment . Share this with everybody you know , men and women alike . We are going to stir some stuff up so that we can have great deep conversations , so that we can make married sex
great again . Come on somebody , all right . Hey , we're out of time for today . Thank you so much for tuning in to doing life with ken and tabitha . Um , we love you guys . We're praying for you . Just know that you are not alone . Our entire team , we are committed to bringing you , every single Thursday at 3 pm , life-changing , enhancing content to help you grow closer to God and the people that God has placed in your life . If you are ever in Florida , come worship with us at Alive Church .
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