Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We want to do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Hey , what's up everybody ? Hey , everyone .
Speaker 1Man you are in for a good one today . Welcome , man , you are in for a good one today . Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We're so excited to be able to share some kingdom principles with you today , Some things that we hope will bring refreshing and awesome promotion to your marriages , your relationships and your family unit all together . We have been married for 25 years y'all and I always say it's been the best 23 years of my life . Come on , you do the math . The first two years was absolutely horrible , but now Tabitha got herself together and things are a whole lot better .
Speaker 2We worked hard and got ourselves together .
Speaker 1I hear you . Well , I was mean and selfish and prideful .
Speaker 2I didn't know how to be a husband yeah , and I didn't know how to be a wife . I was depressed and just sad and trying to overcome .
Speaker 1I had a plan to divorce her and I was serious about it . I told my whole family or I told my dad at least about it . I said , hey , I'm about to get a divorce and I'm so thankful that God got hold of my heart back then , because now we're best friends .
Speaker 2That's right .
Speaker 1We have three amazing kids 19 , 15 and 13 . And life is so much better together and doing things God's way , and so this is a marriage podcast , but not just a marriage relationship podcast . It's also a personal growth podcast , and our hope is to help you grow closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in your life , and I think we got a good show for people today , sweetheart .
Speaker 2I think it's a funny show for me .
Speaker 1I don't know why I just think it's funny .
Speaker 2It's making me laugh . I think it's going to be great .
Speaker 1You laugh when you get nervous . I just think it's funny . It's making me laugh .
Speaker 2I think it's going to be great . You laugh when you get nervous . Are you nervous ? I don't know if I'm nervous , it's weird , I just think it's weird . Oh no , we need to say what it is .
Speaker 1Well , yeah , Well , we've never done a segment like this before . This is going to , but yeah , can I get some crickets right there ?
Speaker 1It's more like because here's the deal we did . We posted something on Instagram and Facebook not too long ago which was a clip from a segment we did called Better the Better Marriage Sector , where we were basically talking about having good sex in marriage and intimacy . But my team , they took a clip like a 30 to 60 second clip and they posted it and it went viral . I mean 9.5 million people viral . This is 9.5 million people and we had no clue that this was a controversial topic . What we're talking about today .
Speaker 2I didn't know it was such a big deal . Should kids sleep in ?
Speaker 1your bed or not ? Okay , and so what we decided to do which is a little bit different , we've never done this before is we want to kind of answer that a little bit yeah , and we kind of want to lean into that and see if we can get some perspective , this godly perspective , because you really don't get the pretext to the clip Right , because you really don't get the pretext to the clip .
Speaker 1But I think we should just . Let's just start off by watching the clip . Is that cool ? Is that cool for you guys out there ? Let's just watch this clip together here , check this out . Do not let your children sleep in the place that you're supposed to get busy with barbecue . Do not let your children sleep in the bed with you . Why ? Because that is the place for husband and wife to be intimate , and I feel like there's too many people that they hear this . But the baby , the baby , the baby and the kid , the kid they can't sleep . You got to be just a little gangster when it comes to raising kids .
Speaker 2You do .
Speaker 1Come on , cause they will take over , they take over and you go through that one night where you just got like I'm gonna let you cry all night Cause it's my responsibility to train you more than you training me . Too many of us have our kids training us when we're supposed to train them .
Speaker 2As a mom , I was so sensitive and no , don't do that to my kids . But , I knew , yeah , but I knew that what you were saying was right . I knew to just like let you lead in that moment . And that's what I want to speak to wives about is that there are so many wives that don't allow their husband to lead in that moment , and I think that is some of the reason why our marriage is so strong after almost 25 years , and it is because I let you lead when it came to the children .
Speaker 1We're very purposeful in investing in our marriage just as much as our kids , because we can't let our relationship , especially after 25 years , get on cruise control .
Speaker 2All right , interesting . What an interesting clip . I think people are mad at you in that clip . Well , yeah , okay , I know why I don't think it's right , but I think they're funny . Oh my gosh .
Speaker 1Okay , so what do you think ?
Speaker 2So I think because you were like let the kids cry all night , don't leave . You know , don't ? There's not . I forget your exact words about you know , just very strongly , don't let your kids sleep in the bed . That's so funny .
Speaker 1Well , I mean , actually the pretext is this so we do three services on a Sunday and the whole thing that we were talking about is sex and intimacy , and how people get married and they start off in the sexes is good , they feel good about it , but after you marry five , 10 , 15 years , there's a lot of people not having a good sex life and they don't have intimacy , which intimacy and sex is two different things , and intimacy should be a part of your sex life , and so one of the reasons that we gave is because people are allowing their babies or their kids to sleep in the bed and getting in between the marriage bed . So when I said that , I was kind of joking and I was like turn the camera to me right here , don't let your kids sleep in the bed , because I'm talking to our church , and there was a lot of context with it . It was a lot of pre-discussion with it .
Speaker 1I'm talking , we have multiple campuses , but my team took that little clip and it just went viral .
Now , what I would say about that is number one you can't take 60 seconds of what a person is saying and conclude too much of anything . There is a bunch of clips that's out there from everything about everything . You really got to dig in a little bit deeper , but to me , at the same time , it was still truthful . There's some perspective . What else do you get Before I jump out of it because I want ?
Speaker 1to read some comments too , and we're kind of going .
Speaker 2I don't pay attention to the comments . Honestly , if the negative things I really don't pay attention . But I mean , I thought it was a good clip . I think what I liked about the clip was that it gives a different perspective . And you know when we were talking about the clip ? Well , like , what we were talking about was over our 25 years of marriage and how we raised three children and none of them have ever slept in the bed with us . But our sex life has remained strong and we still love each other and we still like , adore each other and are looking for the , you know , the next 50 years of life together . That says something . So we're saying , hey , this is what we do . Maybe it'll work for you Can .
Speaker 1I get some applause right there . Can I get some applause ? That is our calling . Our calling is to say we don't know everything . We're not perfect but , this is what's worked for us . If you hang out with us long enough , we'll say this is what didn't work for us . We love to talk about our mistakes and our dumb .
Speaker 1stuff that we've done and our hopes is to share the good , the bad , the ugly so that the Holy Spirit can point out whatever he needs to point out to people around the world to say look at this , consider this out .
Speaker 1Whatever he needs to point out to people around the world to say look at this , consider this , don't do that , but do this more . And so when I look at our sex life , I feel like we have a good sex life , a healthy sex life . Now we get the opportunity , over 23 years of ministry , to minister to hundreds if not thousands , if not multiple thousands of married people from around the world , and everybody can't say that they have a good sex life . There's a lot of people that are having sex out of duty , out of obligation , instead of enjoyment . There's a lot of people that are weaponizing sex . I know of one married couple that told me they hadn't had sex in seven years . Love the Lord , but not having sex . And some of this is medical conditions , some of it's not medical conditions . They just don't even know how to engage each other there any longer . So what we're saying is this is if what you're doing is working for you , do it , but if you ever want something better , we're going to try to help you get there .
Speaker 2And maybe we can't , but maybe we can , and especially for young couples who don't have kids yet , or in the throes of , you know , having children . This might be something that you want to try out . This might be a game changer for you , absolutely .
Speaker 1All right , here's some of the comments . Are you ready ? Are you ready ?
Speaker 2I don't know , why don't you ?
Speaker 1know I don't . I love it that this is a free country and people can say whatever they want to say but just because they say it don't make it right .
Speaker 1Right , but ? And so we're going to read some here . This person commented for thousands of years , parents have slept in the same bed as their children . We did it with our kids for the first two years for each of them , and we loved it . They felt safe . We didn't need a monitor or anything , et cetera . There was a couch in our bedroom for barbecuing . Laugh out loud worked out just fine for us .
Speaker 1Somebody else said kids aren't kids forever . Enjoy every single moment . I don't agree with them at all , oh Lord . This one wrote a lot .
Speaker 1She says would husbands get gangsta and let their wife cry all night if she expressed that she needed some human touch or connection ? Of course not . That would be considered unloving and unkind . Some would even label it as emotional abuse in a marriage . Then why do it to our children ? They need just as much human touch and connection as we adults . Couples can always let the child fall asleep next to you and then put the child in their own bed after they fall asleep . We've done that many nights . That way the child's emotional needs get met , and then now the adult's needs can get met .
Speaker 1I love y'all and I'm a faithful listener . This is another one . But my babies will sleep with us until about three or four . It is what it is . Our youngest is going to be two and he may well be our last . So guess what we're going to enjoy these years and co-sleeping is it ? Here's another one . A little too extra for me . Those moments with our kids being little and snuggled with us is just for a short season . My husband and I absolutely love it when they come to us in bed . We have our moment too , and will always . But being that little is just for a little while to each their own . But this isn't something I would preach to others about what to do and what not to do . I get the point is about creating intimacy , but this was a little extra in my opinion .
Speaker 1This person wrote in and said it ruined my first relationship for sure . My second husband . We have strict boundaries in our two babies , or crib babies , and are totally healthy and well rested . This person said my girl slept with us and they are amazing young women now and our relationship didn't suffer because of it . It was the best decision for us . It made us together made together , but everyone has an opinion . They can do whatever they want .
Speaker 1And then somebody wrote in and said okay , so let me get this straight . You need your wife in bed with you , cuddled warm and making you comfortable . Meanwhile , you expect a newborn to sleep alone . If it makes you uncomfortable , imagine how it makes a newborn feel . I'm honestly so glad that my husband loves our new children to sleep with us for the first few years . I'd be heartbroken if it wasn't on the board . Okay , now we can go on and on with this . But let me see , here's a couple on the other side . Okay , y'all ready , y'all good .
Speaker 1This person , they commented and said as a pediatrician , this is what I tell all new parents get the kids out of your room as soon as possible . Better marriages make better parents . This person says it's likely that many of those who are strongly disagreeing have relationships that are lacking because y'all are missing the entire point . He didn't say never . I think he's saying it can't be a habit because it impacts intimacy , and she's right . Children will take over and the marriage will suffer without intentionality . This person says many couples will disagree with this , but what I know is that kids adjust and learn .
Speaker 1When we had our first , it was a struggle to let her sleep in her cot , but I had to do it Also because I'm a light sleeper . Movement wakes me up . The only way I could get enough sleep is when she's in the cot , so that helps . And when our baby cries my husband can pick her up and just let me get enough sleep until she's adjusted . At 14 months old , when I stopped breastfeeding here , she could stay in a room all by herself .
Speaker 1But I hear women complaining that their four-year-olds can't sleep in a room alone and it's all about upbringing , train up a child in the way they should go . This person wrote in and maybe this will be my last one , because it goes on and on . Keep the bedroom sacred . A best friend told me this before we had our first best piece of advice I've ever been given Our room is our soulless . At night we decompress where we are intimate a lot . Ha ha ha . If I had my two or four year old , that wouldn't be very much fun . Intimacy comes before the kids , because without intimacy and closeness we start to forget that we're madly in love , my wife comes first , before our children .
Speaker 2Wow , it goes on and on . I'm shocked . All right , because I haven't heard those responses . Ok , I have a lot to say . What ?
Speaker 1can we say Go ?
Speaker 2OK , Ready set go . Let's go all right now . I think . First of all , I'm so surprised okay , I'm so surprised that people , for years your children sleep in the bed with you . Oh my goodness , that seems that's . I'm not no judgment . I feel bad now because I'm judging , but I am shocked that kids like how could you so ?
Speaker 1I can give preface , though , to why she shot . We know of a person who was breastfeeding their child until the child was five or six years old . The child had teeth , y'all OK . Now this we've all heard of people like that and it would be because , oh , the baby needs it . No , maybe you need it . The child had teeth and this person's not married any longer today . That's a problem . You're getting something from your child that you really should be getting from God and maybe from your spouse . Now there comes a place where we do have to be able to say , okay , that's not right , something's not right , so it's okay . It's okay to have an opinion . It's okay to have an opinion , yeah ,
okay .
Speaker 2I think you know , I think this statement no kids in the bed it's all about boundaries and having healthy boundaries for our marriage relationship and for our children . Okay , and so I think there are boundaries that are needed in a marriage , so boundaries for our relationship , meaning our intimacy . We need to be intimate and so the bedroom we identify that as a place that we can be intimate .
Speaker 1Husband and wife .
Speaker 2Husband and wife . Our bed is for us Now . The second boundary , I think , is that it's a boundary in just Now . The second boundary , I think , is that it's a boundary in just , I think , in healthiness . So for me , the mother , I would say , is for you , the father too .
Speaker 2But in particular , like , especially with the children when they were younger , a lot of their , you know , mom's there , mommy's there . It's me doing care of the kids and I put the kids to bed . I had , you know , routines that we can talk about later , to where these kids looked forward to go into bed every single night and I looked forward to putting them to bed every single night because mommy wants to rest , I want to go to sleep . Sometimes you would go on vacation , or not vacation , like ministry trips , and I'd say , ok , slumber party . And the girls would come sleep with me . They I stopped doing it because they would be start with their head up by me . They're down , their heads down at the floor and they're kicking me in my face with their feet . It was outrageous . I , I didn't like it , it was , I couldn't sleep at night .
Speaker 2And so I think there's , you know , just for my sanity as mom , them growing up every night by 8 o'clock they were in bed and guess what mommy got to do ? Mommy got to go take a hot bubble bath , read a book or do whatever I wanted to do , or have some time with daddy , where the kids weren't there . So number two , it was a good boundary for my life . How many moms do I talk to ? And you know , it could be yourself , like you just done , because there's no time for you . You do everything for everyone else all the time , but this was a boundary for us . Eight o'clock , the kids are asleep and that's mommy's time .
Speaker 1One of the best decisions that we've ever made in our parenting is to have a bedtime where our kids go to bed at eight o'clock 830 . And then we have husband and wife . That's right At the end of every day . That doesn't mean that we have sex at the end of every day , Watch a movie together time together to remain friends together intimate or to be um eat some ice cream cake . Yeah , mean , just hang out together .
Speaker 1So my whole thing with this is this um , we've been married for 25 years . We have a very , very , very good sex life , a very , very healthy sex life . Um , we didn't have it in the beginning . The first five years we actually had to learn how to be intimate and to have a good sex life , and there are principles that we teach , if you look through all of our stuff that we've taught , you will see some of those principles not everything , but a lot of things .
Speaker 1What I really believe about this is that the Bible does not tell you thou shall not have your kids . The Bible doesn't tell you thou shalt have your kids in the bed . So you have liberty to make every decision that you want to make , but just because you have liberty to do something doesn't mean that it's wise .
Speaker 1The Bible is not very clear on a lot of things . It doesn't tell you where to invest . It doesn't tell you what to do if you're 401k . It doesn't tell you what neighborhood to live in , so we have to have the multitude of counsel where there's safety . Now , if you guys are listening to us , it's because God's divinely connected us and I believe that we can add a level of perspective , hopefully to at least know about people .
Speaker 1People seem to really enjoy our perspective on things , I would say the advice that we're giving you . For us we've never , not one time ever , no kid has ever slept in the bed with us . I'm not saying that they haven't had slumber parties when I'm away . I'm not saying when we go in a hotel we didn't end up in a little bitty bedroom .
Speaker 2I'm like oh my God , why are y'all ?
Speaker 1all around me . I'm not saying that , I'm not talking about a law , but I'm saying as it relates to the discipline . The bed chambers is for mommy and daddy .
Speaker 2Our kids know to knock before you come in , so you don't be rudely surprised they are completely trained .
Speaker 1I , they are completely trained . I have teenagers . I have a teenager that last night . I have a teenager okay , 15 , last night was asleep by 6.30 or 7 , you know , because they get up at 5 in the morning , 6 in the morning , and so they didn't have school today and they was just like you know what ? I'm about to go to sleep . But our kids , everybody will be , other than one of them might play video games a little bit late , but for the most part , everyone else will be asleep .
Speaker 2They have healthy sleep habits . They don't need a nightlight , they want the lights out .
Speaker 1No TV in their room , all they've known is that they have their own space to go to sleep in , without devices , without TVs , and mommy and daddy's bed ain't none of it .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1So I mean , there's so much we could talk about .
Speaker 2I want to talk about this part , the benefit to the kids of sleeping in their own beds , and so I was kind of shocked at some of the responses in saying that their kids will . It's like , do you not put them to bed at night ? They just automatically go to your room . Or I know some people I talk to . They put them in their bed and then every night they get up by the middle of the night and they end up and you just let them into bed . Like those things didn't happen for us , because it's like as the parent , we set the rules , we say what goes and we tell them what's normal . So our kids never got out of bed in the middle of the night and came to our room , unless if they weren't feeling well . Like mommy , I don't feel good , Then I get up and I care for them , you know
. And so I think we set the norm for our kids and it started as a baby . You know , we brought the baby home from the hospital . I slept in my bed .
Speaker 2We had a bassinet next to the bed for the first couple of weeks , because that was just easy .
Speaker 1Breastfeeding . It was easy . The baby turns over . You want to make sure that the baby's safe not rolled over onto their face or something like that . So we got a bassinet . What we're doing from the beginning we don't want our baby to get used to the smells of our bed to where they only sleep when they're in between us . Now once again , the comment is not about what's best for the baby .
Speaker 1And secondarily , it's what's best for our marriage . First , it's what's best for our intimate life and sex life , and it's also some studies would show even what's good for the baby .
Speaker 2Yeah , I argue . The difference is that you know , and that's why doctors write in and nurses write in , because there are people who roll over on their babies Because you're sleeping . I don't trust myself . I mean , it's just me , I'm going to go to sleep . I don't trust myself not to roll over on my baby . That's a big statement .
Speaker 1It's . Also , you can create a level of codependency that's unhealthy . So the comments , if you think about it and once this okay , if you have a healthy sex life and you enjoy it , you can do whatever you want to do . But think about this for a moment . What a lot of the comments are saying is that I only have them as a small child for a little bit . I want them to be able to , you know , feel safe and so forth , and so on . So it's almost like it's really not about the baby or the child , it's about the parent and what they need . They only have a small kid for two years , three years , so they want to feel this closeness , but you can feel that closeness in different ways .
Speaker 1We're very close to our kids .
Speaker 2Yeah , we cuddle on the couch and watch TV . You know , is that what you're ? No , I was going to give it to a girl Go ahead , go ahead .
Speaker 1So I was . What I was trying to say is that you can create a codependency for them early on to where you are imparting thoughts that they need you to be comfortable .
Speaker 1We teach our kids from beginning that they need Jesus to be comfortable . They need the presence of God to be comfortable . We teach them to overcome fear . So some of the comments is like well , what if they're afraid and you want to be with your wife ? Overcome fear . So some of the comments is like well , what if they're afraid and you want to be with your wife ? I want to be with my wife because I'm not afraid and I need to cuddle , like it's some need for my life , like I'm dependent upon you . I just like you . You know the two have become one .
Speaker 1Well , so go ahead .
Speaker 2I mean , you know . So like the focus you know when you focus on the kids . I think it is healthy for the kids to be in their own bed , because we train up a child in the way that they should go . So we're teaching them not to grow up and be a big kid and need to sleep with mom and dad , but to be their own person , a child of God . And so , with our children , what we found is that they never , if like we hardly , went on vacations when they were younger because they couldn't sleep in someone else's bed or some other place . They needed to have their own place to sleep in . They needed quietness , because that's the comfort that they had . So we built up for them , starting in the crib and into two , three , four , five years old . They never had an expectation or a desire to go in mommy and daddy's room . Their emotional needs were met as well as their individual needs as a person . So we had three kids and each of them have their individual needs . So , like they each had their own bedroom . Thank God , we were able to be blessed . You know , like you each have your own bedroom . They had their own beds , their own pillows , their own bed sheets . They had a little you know humidifier in their room that I put oils in . They had little nightlights at times in their rooms and they craved for just . Like I go home and when I get in my bed , my bed is set a certain way . It feels good when I lay down in my bed .
Speaker 2Our children feel the same way . They have long days and at the end of the day they felt good . They wanted to go into their bedroom and sometimes , you know , we would be on the couch watching TV and they'd be falling asleep and we're all snuggled up together . We kiss and hug and say I love you so much . You know what I'm saying . But when it was time for them to go to bed we all want to go to . We ain't trying to sit here on this couch laying up on top of each other . Let me go to my bed . And so we would go to bed . We say our prayers , we brush our teeth , we wash our face . We have routines .
Speaker 2Everyone was happy . There was no getting up in the middle of the night and going to somebody else's room . There's no expectation for that because we , as the parents , made them feel good about . This is your space , this is your bed . This is what you're supposed to do . This is mommy and daddy's bed . This is your sister's bed . This is your brother's bed . They do what we tell them , yeah .
Speaker 1You know , not everybody has it that way , to where they have different bedrooms and different beds .
Speaker 1Some people are brother and sister sleeping in the same bed or , you know , they're living in a one bedroom apartment right now . So we're talking , you know , in a perfect scenario and we understand that , but I think that I don't know . I was wanting to kind of just let's talk about us . So for us , let's make it real practical , let's unpack it for people , because I believe that people are wanting to know what we did . So we brought that baby home . There would be a bassinet by the bed for about two or three weeks . Then we would put the baby into their room with a monitor .
Speaker 1Back in the day , before video monitors , we have a sound monitor , and so the baby would happen . Sometimes you would jump up , sometimes I would jump up . We would take turns , we would nurse and breastfeed our babies . We tried to go a year for each of them . Some of them would stop a little bit shorter than that , but we'd try to get to a year of just nursing or so on . So they would have a video monitor or a sound monitor and they would begin just to love their bed . There was no sense of loss for a baby . There was no sense of fear for a baby . Fear is something that comes from the outside and a lot of fear is taught . The fear is to pass down from generation to generation . We decided to break the curse of fear in that no weapon formed against us shall prosper .
Speaker 1Angels are encamped about us to keep us in all our ways . So there was no fear of putting our kids in their own bed , and there was no fear for putting our kids in their own bed and there was no fear for them , right , and when it came to fear , we guarded them .
Speaker 2Certain TV , just because it's a cartoon ?
Speaker 2they didn't watch some Disney cartoons because there was you know I remember it was maybe Princess Tiana or something like that A Disney movie came out and there were like little like ghosts and things in the movies . Our kids didn't watch it because that was scary to them . Right , I don't , I'm going to put you in bed and you're going to go to bed . I don't need you thinking about ghosts coming out of the walls and stuff like that . And so we protected them from even those things , those little subtle hints that would allow fear to come into their lives .
Speaker 1And I also think that , um , you know , of course it's natural at some point three , four , five years old a kid's going to have a nightmare . It's going to be afraid of something , but we always teach our kids the scripture in the Bible no claders , don't have fear . We walk by faith and not by sight . Come on , let's pray . We come against fear . We come against this , that and the other . Put them right back to bed . We don't allow that fear to drive them to our bed .
Speaker 1We teach them how to overcome those things right from the beginning , and so I am extremely happy with how our children have developed . They are independent , but still loving . They love each other .
Speaker 1They love us I would recommend this to anybody . So I'm happy to say , and stand beside this statement 100% , that we have never allowed our children or babies to sleep in our bed . Here's the reason why . The reason why is because the marriage bed is for the married couple and the number one relationship that's in the house is the husband and wife . The reason that the divorce rate is at 50% is because many people have kids together . Then , when those kids grow up , and they leave .
Speaker 1they have more love for their kids than they do their spouse , so when they become empty nesters , many couples are looking at each other like who are you ? So they're getting divorced at 20 years , 25 and 30 years because they have not fostered this intimacy with each other in their child rearing years .
Speaker 1It all became about basketball , volleyball , karate . I'll do anything for my kids , but you won't do that for the one where the Bible says the two have become one flesh . We have to protect our oneness , protect our sexuality , protect our intimate time , and one of the ways that we do it is that eight o'clock everybody's done in our house and then it becomes mommy and daddy time . And honestly , if I was even speaking from a um , a perspective of like we do things in our bed that we don't want our kids sleeping in , you know what I'm saying ? It's not like I mean we have people come over and help wash things and things , but like that's not an everyday thing , like that's not a place for children . It's really not doing nothing . I don't know , you know . I mean like it's just . I mean , can you talk to any of that ?
Speaker 2I ? Yeah , to me it's . It's inappropriate , like we . It's inappropriate to be up in in our bed like you don't need to be in here . We do stuff in here that you don't need to . It's inappropriate , and we do what married people do . If you don't do what we do in the bed , then it might be appropriate . That's fine . Yeah , but we view because obviously there are people out there that the bed is the family . That's all . The family gets in the bed and do it . We say that this bed is the marriage bed , this is the marriage , and so that's for married people me and mommy and daddy , yeah I always say um the bed is not where kids sleep , it's where we make kids come on now the couch , the , the family room couch .
Speaker 2Yeah , that can be for the family , that's where we snuggle , that's where we hang out together like all day long . But the bed . Mommy and daddy we make babies , we don't babies don't sleep there , we babies
.
Speaker 2But you know what I hear a lot of with women , you know , especially , I think . I think I feel like a lot of fear with women . I can , I can understand where that comes from , like women who say , oh well , I can't leave my baby alone , what if they're afraid ? Well , you know , that's . That's a whole other thing . Kids , they know what you taught them . That fear is taught to them . They shouldn't have a fear to be in their room .
Speaker 2But I think the fear isn't on the kids that they're afraid , it's us as mom we're afraid . And if you really think about it from a different perspective , like I put my child in their room in my house , I set up that room , the crib is right , the blankets are right , everything in there , the temperature's just perfect , everything is perfect . There's nothing that's going to go wrong in that room with my child . So the fear is coming from me , like the child is okay and I think that you know you made a statement like you know , let the kids cry all night . That's . We never let the kids cry all night .
Speaker 1They never cried all night .
Speaker 2You know , sometimes they cried . Sometimes we had to let them cry for 10 , 15 minutes , but they just , you know , there was never that thing .
Speaker 1But I mean , I was more so talking about , you know , when our oldest , she wouldn't go to sleep without a bottle , and then we made a decision to kind of take away the bottle , even if she was the pacifier , was it a pacifier ?
Speaker 2Yes , it was a pacifier .
Speaker 1And then we just had to make a decision you are too old for this pacifier , even if you cry all night , we're taking it away . We took it away , and you're right . She cried for maybe a couple hours and then slept like a baby .
Speaker 2She didn't cry for a couple hours . How long was it ? Maybe 15 minutes , 20 minutes .
Speaker 1Probably not 20, .
Speaker 2Maybe 15 minutes and it's like please go to sleep , but that child lay down and went to sleep .
Speaker 1Is that either ? You're going to be a parent and raise them up or they're going to raise you up . It's train or be trained .
Speaker 2That's right . But here's the thing You're doing it with God . We didn't say , oh , just stay in there , because you know we want you to and because we want to be selfish and have the marriage bed to ourselves . We said it because , no , we are parents and we have authority in this relationship and we are training up this child in the way that they should go . It is safe for them to be in their own room . It is secure for them to be in their own room . Um , it develops all types of things on the inside of the child , for them to have their own individual life . Okay , outside of you know , mommy and daddy , you know what I mean , age appropriate , but anyway . But God was with us and so our children are not .
Speaker 2I had to get it in my mind that , okay , yeah , my baby's sleeping in this room in the bed , but ultimately I can't be there the whole life or , you know , I can't be there 24 , seven with my child . God , I trust you . This , first and foremost , is God's child . I am stewarding this child in the earth . This is a child of God and I think that because then it becomes hard at one point , you got to make this decision because the kids are going to have to go to daycare or preschool . The kids are going to have to go to kindergarten . They're going to have to go to daycare or preschool . The kids are going to have to go to kindergarten . They're going to have to go out to college . All of these things , and these are steps that we're making , but you have to decide from the beginning that I trust God .
Speaker 1That's really good baby . I trust God . I trust God . I think too many times parents raise kids instead of raise adults . Yeah . So when people say , well , they're just going to be small for this amount of time , yeah , that's a true statement . But I'm always trying to raise emotionally healthy adults .
Speaker 1So , at two years old , five years old , 10 years old . I'm trying to speak to them and live a life before them , to where they're going to be emotionally strong , free from fear and bondage , when they become adults . But really and let me just talk for a man , and I don't know if any man can amen me on this as a man , I thank God for everything that we're saying about being over fear and what it does for the development of our children and being in another room . I don't want a kid in the bed when I want to be with my wife , right Like . I want to be able to roll over and grab a boob , grab a booty . I want to be able to do whatever I want to do . It's my wife , it's my bed . You know what I'm saying .
Speaker 1I don't want to have something in between us . There's too much that's coming in between couples nowadays . Work is in between couples , finance is in between couples . What's on social media ? I don't want another child . That's a child in between us , like even right now coming through menopause . As we get older , we have different obstacles that we have to overcome .
Speaker 1I'm okay with overcoming those obstacles by faith . I'm not going to go and put another obstacle in between us and I love my children with every fiber of my being . I would take a bullet for one of them . I mean , you know I'm saying , I'm using it so that people understand like this is not a lack of love and care . This is a priority on us . I'm not falling into statistics of I'm married and we just together , you my ball and chain , because we don't have sex . We haven't had sex . We let the kids , we all about our kids , but we don't know . That's just not going to be me .
Speaker 1So I have a few principles that I would share with our audience as we end this . We'd love to hear what you guys got to think . The comment section is open . Go ahead and talk it out , but be nice . Yeah , be nice . There's no need to debate . You really can't change people . Some people can hear from God out of this and some people will be like no , this is what we want to do , that is your prerogative . The Bible does not say you have to do this and have to do that .
Speaker 1But here you go . We talk about sex often . Here's a couple of principles that have helped us have a good sex life . Okay , it's part of our consistent conversations . We do family meetings every week , biweekly , every single meeting . How sex between a scale of one to 10 , you need to start talking about sex often and I would challenge the wives ask your husband how is the frequency of sex scale of one to 10 ? How do you feel about our babies or our children sleeping in our bed ? And ask that question vice versa , and if everybody's good with it , well , you do you . Number two we prepare our bed chambers so it's good for sex and intimacy for husband and wife , and you can speak to this one a little bit . We do stuff like we put locks on the doors .
Speaker 2Yeah , because the last thing I want to have on my mind is like is there a child that can hear me ? Is the bed squeaky ? Is somebody about to come in the door ? I don't , that's a mood killer .
Speaker 1Mama needs security . She has bionic ears and eyes .
Speaker 1So I want to make sure that I got a good lock on the door , a mattress that ain't too squeaky . I want to make sure that we have some sounds in there so she can't hear what's happening outside the bedroom chambers . Matter of fact , we just moved houses . We actually moved , and the primary reason that we moved is because our daughter's bedroom was right beside our bedroom . That was one of the primary reasons . There's about three primary reasons . One of the three was that our kid's bedroom was too close to us and it made us uncomfortable . So I literally sold that house , bought another house , making sure that their bedroom is down the hallway so can't nobody hear what's going on with mommy and daddy . Because that's so important , our intimacy , life is so important . So we prepare the bed chambers with the right lubrications , the right sounds , the right covers . We create it like a spa . It's almost like an end of the day getaway for mommy and daddy . Come on somebody . Number three we practice good hygiene . All right , washing hands , showering often .
Speaker 1Yeah , you know I'm being . I'm always an inspector of my own breath . I'm like , oh man , I hope my breath is fine . I hope my breath is fine , and it's always this continual thing that I want to make sure that I have good hygiene .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely .
Speaker 1So , when it comes to sex , I want to listen to podcasts about sex , I want to read books about sex . I want to have intentional growth . No cruise control , because cruise control is how some people they start off really good , but by year 10 , 12 , 15 , 14 , you got to keep the pedal to the metal , the bed with us . We just don't do it . And if I was a mentor to someone , a spiritual father , mother , I would advise listen , that's not going to work in the longterm for your marriage . Okay , now , I don't know the ages of the people . You know if they were younger people and maybe , maybe you know what you think is good for your marriage when you have a one-year-old and a three-year-old is not what you think when you have a 15-year-old and an 18-year-old .
Speaker 2It just ain't what you think .
Speaker 1There's some times where you feel like you need to do this for your kids , only to find out later that that wasn't good for my marriage , though Wow . And so I would love to know the ages of people . And I'm sure there's somebody like yeah , we did that . And here's another thing to the comments Just because you did it doesn't mean that it was the best thing to do , Right ? Oh , I did it and my kids turned out great . Okay , that's not what we're talking about .
Speaker 2Just because you did it , was it the best thing to do for your ? Sex life and your intimacy , life or your health , or your health ? Were in your intimacy , life or your health , or your health ? Were you sleepy every morning ? Did you go to you know ? So I can't imagine getting a good night's sleep . How big is the bed ?
Speaker 2no it really is . Do what you want to do . You got one life to live . Okay , do what you want to do . But just from my point , if I were to say out loud what I'm thinking in my head , that's what I'm saying , like , how do you fit in the bed ? How do you watch a movie together ?
Speaker 1You know , fall asleep together , you know , and so I pray that you guys receive this pretty well and that it was something that was eyeopening , gave you good perspective , gave you a different angle to consider um , gave you something that you can share with other friends and family members , small group leaders . We know that co-sleeping is a big thing in society right now . Obviously , we didn't know that we were even stepping on a vein . All we're trying to do is just help folks . If you don't find that it's helpful , that's okay . Check us out next week , but if it was helpful for you , let us know your encouragement means the world to us .
Speaker 1Just know we're praying for you , as you guys are praying for us . If you're new to our podcast , hit the subscribe button or the icon so that you can be the first to get the content when it's released . We drop a new episode every Thursday at 3 pm . If you're ever in Florida , come worship with us at Alive . You will find our website and our show notes . You can come . We have campuses in Orlando , tampa and also Gainesville , and we also have some more marriage material , man . So just check us out online , check out our website , continue to hang out with us , and we love y'all . Man . We'll see you next time . God bless you , peace .