Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Well , today's episode is entitled Grace to Self . Everybody say it , grace to Self . Everybody say it , grace to Self , gts . And we want to help you understand what Grace to Self is . We want you to embrace Grace to Self . We want you to learn about Grace to Self and teach other people . And so how would you define Grace to Self , babe ? What's your ?
Speaker 2Grace to Self . I would say Grace to Self is giving yourself the same grace that you would give other people .
Speaker 1Okay , talk to me more .
Speaker 2So if someone came to me and was discouraged or said , oh my gosh , I did this or hey , I need help , I would begin to encourage them . I would begin to give them the word of God , give them everything that I had to build them up and to help them in their situation . Okay , and so I think grace to self is within yourselfaging yourself , going into that reservoir and pulling out life experience to help you and encourage yourself in whatever situation .
Speaker 1What would be the opposite of grace to self ?
Speaker 2Self-condemnation More like you're stupid Dumping on yourself . Why did you do that ? Being hard on yourself ?
Speaker 1I can't stand it .
Speaker 2I can't stand myself .
Speaker 1Well , that's some people . Where they live , they have been taught negative self-talk and they talk well of other people and they talk really bad about themselves . I used to be there , you used to be there . Can you tell me a little bit Chronically there ? Oh yeah , in which way ? Give me something there .
Speaker 2I'll give you my favorite example . I was this is only maybe five to eight years ago , something like that . So I'm a pastor . I encourage people . That's what I do . I love people . I have kids , everything I encourage .
Speaker 2My husband and I was standing in the mirror one day getting dressed to go to a meeting and I was just tearing myself apart . Okay , this outfit is stupid , your hair looks crazy , you're too fat . I don't even know if you have anything to say to these people . You should just call off . You know , like I was going in on myself , didn't even realize it , but the voice of god Spoke to me .
Speaker 2I heard the lord say , not with my ears , but in my heart who are you talking to like that ? And I was just like . It startled me . I stopped and I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I didn't respond and he just said . He said who are you talking to like that ? That's my daughter . And it gave me the impression that , like , how dare you talk to my daughter like that ? That's not who she is . Why would you say those things to her ? And then my next instructions were talk to yourself the way you talk to other people . Or he actually told me would you talk to your daughter like that ? No , would you talk to your friend ?
Speaker 1like that . You're super gracious to everybody . You're super kind .
Speaker 2You're super above the board , but for some reason was having a hard time being like that with you . Maybe I'm an overachiever , I like to do it at 110% . But along with that came this you're never good enough . Even if I did do it at 100% , you could have did it more . Why didn't you do it like this ? It was this negative self-talk . And so in that moment , when I was looking at myself in the mirror , I realized the Lord just melted my heart and I repented before the Lord and I was like I'm sorry . And I actually was just like Tabitha , you know . Like I'm sorry . I mean I'm looking at myself in the mirror talking to myself and at the time I had been diagnosed with Hashimoto's . I was having struggles with my thyroid . Hashimoto's is when your thyroid levels are up and then they're down , and then they're up again and then they're down .
Speaker 1Which is an autoimmune disorder . Yes , just like lupus , just like rheumatoid arthritis , just like cancer , is basically your body turning on itself . Okay Now , why is that important ?
Speaker 2That's important , because what I did in the mirror that day and I was just led of the Lord and having the information that you had , it just clicked to me all in one moment and I realized , tabitha , you have been at war with yourself , and your body , as a man thinks in his heart , so is he . Through my thoughts , and I was training my body to turn on itself , to be at war with itself . And so I put one hand on my gut , because I knew that's where most of your immune system exists , and I put one hand to God and I said I wave the white flag , I surrender , I am no longer at war with myself , but I will love myself from this day forward and speak positive things about myself .
Speaker 2I'm telling you , it changed my life around . I still practice those principles today . But do you know what ? The next time you were there with me , we went to the doctor's office , my doctor's doctor , don Colbert . He is amazing , he's been our doctor for years . He's looking at our papers and he's saying Tabitha , you don't have Hashimoto's . And I'm reminding him . I'm like but remember , tabitha , you don't have a , but remember , you know . I kept wanting to tell him , like be sure , cause he's like , I'm telling you , girl , you don't have Hashimoto's . I believe God healed me in that moment that I said no more , I'm not going to be at war with myself .
Speaker 1And my body was able to heal as well . But I think that's the power of grace to self . So I remember when we met now we've been married for 24 years . I think when we met were you taking thyroid medicine .
Speaker 2No , not when I met , not when we met , not when I met you Because you've always had something wrong with your thyroid .
Speaker 1I had the history with my thyroid , yeah , okay . Then you started taking medicine , but you had taken medicine for how many years ?
Speaker 2Probably three years at that point . Oh , really yeah three years , I thought you'd taken thyroid medicine for a while .
No , when I was , I had a thyroid problem starting at 12 years old . So when I was 12 , I had a goiter and if you're in that world , you know what that is and I had to drink the solution for my thyroid . Since then , I had thyroid issues , and I didn't take medication , though , until it got to a point where it was just like okay , you need to take medication now , and that was probably about a three to four year period .
Speaker 1So , but that was a separate issue the Hashimoto's and you having a thyroid or needing thyroid medicines .
Speaker 2It's all the same .
Speaker 1It's all the same , but it was two different issues , right ? You was taking thyroid medicine before Hashimoto's .
Speaker 2Yes , okay , yes .
Speaker 1And so , but now you don't need to take any medicine at all .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1Okay . So not only is Hashimoto's gone , even your thyroid issue , where you need thyroid medicine .
Speaker 2The levels are perfect , it's perfect .
Speaker 1I don't know , I don't really believe in coincidences , and that's been years now . Yeah , I just believe that that is a part of grace to self .
Speaker 1I really do , and of course God's will is for us to be healed and be whole , and but there's just something about the person that speaks negatively of themselves and turns on themselves . Your body can actually be trained to kind of follow what you're doing , and so I'm glad that you've reversed that . But is there any other examples that you have of where you were hard on yourself or you didn't extend grace to self ?
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I mean , you know , throughout life I was that one , like I said , wanting to be the overachiever , and I kind of didn't have a great foundation for my identity . I didn't believe that I was . I thought that everybody else was better than me . You know like I'm the worst , you know , whatever I did , it doesn't measure up to what you . You know , whatever you did , you know it doesn't measure up to what you did . It doesn't measure up to what I did . I just had this poor self-identity . And so I think I trained and then , growing up as a younger child , the words that were spoken over me were you're this , you're that cuss words . And so I would always deflect those and I would even have a comeback as a teacher no , I'm not and I would get to fighting and everything , all of that stuff .
Speaker 2But still , those were seeds that were planted and I didn't know anything else but the negative , and so I don't know . As I became an adult I knew that what people said about me was wrong . I knew , but I don't know . I even knew to the extent to forgive other people and to be kind toward other people Like I just wouldn't . You know , I would never talk to someone else the way I talk to myself , and until that moment that the Lord spoke to me like literally , I didn't realize that I was talking to myself like that . But I can look back and see yeah , that's why maybe you didn't try hard , that's why maybe you didn't have those friends .
Speaker 1So maybe you didn't have grace to self , maybe you didn't even know how to forgive yourself of certain things , I don't know . I mean , for me , gts would probably be more when it comes to religious stuff , like I've always had like a chill personality . If you go way , way back , like people can believe what they want , do what they want , it's cool , we cool , it's all right . You know , it's not until I really got into the word of God that I was like no , there is a right and there is a wrong . There are some standards , but also with my walk with God , there are certain disciplines , like when it comes to prayer time , when it comes to study time and I've always been a very disciplined person Like I'm going to spend probably at least an hour in time with God a day . Pretty much you can set your clock to it . I mean I'm a very disciplined . This is the way that I just go about my day and the times that I've really need grace to myself is if I miss a day , or miss two days , or I'm just off , not feeling bad like , oh , I missed my time with God , oh , I didn't study the Bible enough , or oh , I didn't do something spiritual enough . Maybe I didn't give enough and truthfully , I probably I'm a very generous person , and now God is teaching me a thing of not just like .
Speaker 1I was in prayer the other day and I was down on my knees , and when I got up off my knees I thought my time of prayer was over . It's like 7 am and it's time to get on with my day , and as I got off my knees I heard the Lord say take me with you , meaning that prayer is not something that you just do for an hour in the day . God wants to go with us . He wants to get in the car with me . He wants to go into all of my meetings in a day . He wants to be here beside me in my podcast . He wants to help me answer my problems . He is not interested in us just having quiet time , even though quiet time is important .
Speaker 1When the scripture says , pray without ceasing , he's saying that there's a lifeline of communication , and so , for me , I'm about to go through this whole relationship with God movement , and so I've really been studying what it means to have a strong relationship with God , and one of the things is invitation and also awareness that I'm aware of his presence at all time , that I'm aware of his voice , that I'm willing to speak to him , that my ear is always open to him , and so with that , it's allowed me to extend a lot of grace to myself , because I'm like , okay , maybe I didn't have the kind of time that I wanted to have in prayer , but prayer is not just a morning thing , it's an all day thing .
Speaker 1Come on , let's go . It's just this consistent thing . And I don't know , right now I'm in a season of my life where I'm delighting in things , walking in the joy of the Lord and extending total grace towards myself , because , I don't know , I just feel like that's so much better than condemning myself , breaking myself down , feeling like a chump and horrible . I think Satan would love us
to feel that way .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I mean , I imagine Jesus when he walked the earth . How hard he could have been on himself . I imagine Jesus when he walked the earth . How hard he could have been on himself . I mean the greatest man to ever live , jesus Christ . Right , look at all the people he healed . What if he was like man ? If I could have just healed that one more , if I could have just healed 10 more ?
Speaker 1You know , look at all the people that you know , Like Bada Pula , Bethesda , one man gets up , you know , he puts the person in the water , the water stirring , but people are everywhere . What if he was like man ? I just why just this one .
Speaker 2I want to , you know , like man , I don't have to go to sleep tonight . Let me just stay up all night preaching in the synagogue . Let me just there's , so you can always be doing something . But at what point is it too much and a detriment to yourself ? You have to love yourself .
Speaker 1So for me , and maybe you too , the areas where I need to extend grace to self would be finances . Many times I feel like I haven't saved enough , I haven't stewarded enough to where you know . Even sometimes I feel like maybe I've given too much , maybe not given enough , or , you know , it's just this whole thing and that's where you need grace to self .
Speaker 2And grace to self is like you're doing the best you can . Are your footsteps not ordered by the Lord ? Is God not going to lead you and guide you ? You know so it's like , I think sometimes , when we don't extend grace to ourselves , it's because we're focusing too much on ourselves , on our ability and what we can do , and grace is God's ability on top of our ability and what we can do . And grace is God's ability on top of our ability , his supernatural ability on top of our natural ability , to do what he's called us to do .
Speaker 1I remember back in the day I almost felt like it was my job to save the world . I'm a ministry gift and I need to go out and preach the gospel . And now I look at it like I can't save the world . I can kind of influence my world not the world , my world , like my everyday life of my sphere of influence . Let me let my light shine there , because I need grace to self when it comes to even soul winning .
Speaker 2Like .
Speaker 1I'll feel bad if I walk past somebody and I maybe didn't share my faith , or if there's somebody with a sign up and they're walking towards my car but I don't really have change . I'll kind of feel a little bad about that and I guess what I'm saying is that , no , give yourself grace . You didn't have any change . You know what I'm saying . You love people , or , better yet , I give a whole lot of money , probably 20% of everything that comes in . We probably give back out , and if I miss this person or that person , I can extend some grace to myself .
Speaker 2It's okay . I think my biggest challenge right now with not extending grace to self would be with our kids . Like you know , if one of them's not turning their homework in , or you know , we had the whole COVID situation and one of our kids missed out on , like you know , their math was just terrible . So then we had to take them to tutoring and get them caught up in math and stuff . And I parent I can feel really bad like , oh my gosh , a baby that know how to do math .
Speaker 1Or , better yet , I'm always taking care of the church business , I'm always taking care of the kingdom business , and my kid can't write well , or something like that . You come home and it's like you get an email from the school like , oh , somebody has a D on this , and you're like man , I suck . As a parent , I'm not putting my family first , and that's not true . I do a lot of things for my family , and just because there's a weakness or an area of improvement doesn't mean that there's fundamentally a problem or I'm flawed , and that's why you need grace to self .
Speaker 1Anything else come out on that .
Speaker 2We can go on and on about all of those things .
Speaker 1And so we got kind of seven keys here to extending grace to self , and we'll just kind of jump into these . Number one you got to give yourself the same grace that you would give up others .
Speaker 1Yes , sir , I think that's what you were talking about . And so you are like sugary sweet to people , like super , save the animal , save the world . You know kind of person but then hard on yourself and that it doesn't need to get the flip flip to where you're mean to others and give grace to self . You just need to extend that same grace to yourself that you would extend to others , and I think there's many people that need to do that as well .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1Number two to choose to forgive yourself from past shortcomings and mistakes . Mm hmm , Now on the Enneagram , what are you ?
Speaker 2You know , I think I'm a number one , but I'm tied for a number one and eight . I think I'm a number one , but in leadership situations I kind of turn into an eight .
Speaker 1Those of you all who are unfamiliar with Enneagram . It is like a motivation study , where what is your key motivators ? That motivates you to do certain things ? Yeah , and a one . Is what ?
Speaker 2A one is your . What is it called the perfectionist ?
Speaker 1Okay , so Tabitha is a recovering perfectionist . We're not going to call her a perfectionist , that's right . She's a recovering perfectionist because she always wants to keep the rules . She always wants to play by the book . She don't want to do anything wrong . But many people who are perfectionists probably struggle with grace to self because everything has to be just right . Life is not just right all the time Preach it .
Speaker 1And so you got to forgive yourself from shortcomings and mistakes , because you're a human being and so we're always going to make some mistakes . We're always even as an employer . We have a staff here and really I'm trying to walk in a greater grace , because if this song isn't right , or that transition's not right , or somebody preached something and that's not what I would say , there's a tendency to be like well , it's the gospel , get it right . No , it's your bend on the gospel , it's your style , it's your perspective . And thank God that there's a lot of different diversity in how we express the gospel and you know it's the same message but it's different methods . And give people grace to express it out of their wheelhouse staff .
Speaker 1There's grace to kids , there's , you know , give unbelievers that come to your church space and grace to grow Like . They're not going to be like you overnight . Yes , they're going to come in with cleavage showing and they're going to come in cursing . Yes , they coming out of the world . Give them a moment , you know what .
Speaker 1I'm saying Don't , don't expect people to be clean before you catch them . And so , anyway , number three would be choose to love yourself , because God loves you . You know , sometimes I hear people dumping on that term , kind of like loving yourself . As Christians , we're not supposed to love ourselves , we're supposed to love God .
Speaker 1I don't know . There's some weird people out there and it's just like so what do you want me to ? Not like myself , not love myself ? And how can I love my neighbor as myself if I don't love myself ?
Speaker 1So for me , the love of God works vertically , then it works horizontally , meaning that the great commandment is first love the Lord , thy God , with all heart , soul and mind right . Then love your neighbor like yourself . So it's first vertically , and actually , even before I love God , I think there is a quiet that I have to receive his love , because if I don't receive supernatural love from God , how can I really love him ? So this is vertical . I'm going to receive his love , then I'm going to love him back . I'm going to receive his love , I'm going to love him back . Vertical love , because it's not until I receive his love and love him back will I be able to love others . And I just feel like , if you don't love yourself , I'm not talking about like arrogance and thinking like your stuff don't stink and you can't . No , that's not what I'm talking about . I'm talking about you . You love who you are . You know I'm saying like you're OK with you . You know that you've been forgiven , washed by the blood of the lamb . I don't know Anything . Jump out to you .
Speaker 2Yeah , I think having children for me really gave me a better , just example of God's love for us and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made . And so when I think about my kids , I know they're not perfect , I know they do things . I just get angry with them .
Speaker 1They are not perfect .
Speaker 2You're like , oh my gosh , but I still love them . What do you have to say ? Just talk to me . I want to hear from them . I think they have gifts and talents . I'm not their God , but I'm their mother .
Speaker 1That's what it is . We need to stop expecting people to be perfect . We need to stop expecting pastors to be perfect . We need to stop expecting worship recording artists to be perfect . We need to stop expecting our kids to be perfect , our spouses to be perfect , because human beings aren't perfect . Now I know that we're striving for perfection , which means that we're striving for maturity , not perfection , and I think this word has been tossed around a little bit and people are like well , we can just be perfect . And I'm telling you , there are people who are trying to be perfect and you're driving yourself crazy because you're not going to be perfect , even though you're reaching for maturity .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1And so I think we need to give people space to be imperfect . Anyway , number seven is speak well of yourself all the time . Don't tear yourself down , but build yourself up on your self-talk . Seems like you're doing that better . Yeah , how do you do that ? Give me some practical ways . How do I build myself up Self-talk ?
Speaker 2Seems like you're doing that better . Yeah , how do ?
Speaker 1you do that . Give me some practical ways . How do I build myself up Self-talk ?
Speaker 2Well , I was just getting ready to say . The Bible talks about the psalmist that said bless the Lord , oh my soul and all that is within me . I'll bless his holy name . And there's a few other examples too . Like I will praise the Lord at all times .
Speaker 2I mean , I think this is someone who is setting themselves to intentionally bless the Lord , to intentionally praise God , and so I think , intentionally , we have to build ourself up , encourage ourselves , and so I start off in the morning with , before I even get out of the bed bless the Lord , oh my soul and all that is within me . This is the day that the Lord has made . I shall rejoice and be glad in it . I'm just setting the tone and the pace of my day that , no matter what comes my way , as long as God is on the throne , I'm going to rejoice and be glad in it . But it speaks to myself and it helps me to stay encouraged .
I'm training myself and I've been doing it for years now that when I look in the mirror I just tell myself that I look good , that I look beautiful . You know , like , whatever it is , even if I feel like my makeup's not right or whatever , but , girl , you still look good , you still got it together and compliment myself because I don't know . I think the whole world can tell you that you're beautiful , but unless you tell yourself and unless you know you're beautiful , what the whole world says doesn't matter .
Speaker 1Yeah . So for me , you know , the scripture says if you decree something , it's established , and I do believe in making faith declarations .
Speaker 2Absolutely or faith confessions .
Speaker 1I do believe in making faith declarations or faith confessions . Not confess like going to a priest and confess your sins . But that word confess comes from a word homologio . Homo meaning same logio , the word it's when you say what God says about you and you can make a I am confession , I am fearfully and wonderfully made , I am on top .
Speaker 1I am more than a conqueror . I am the lender . I am not the borrower . I'm beautiful on the inside , I'm beautiful on the outside , and there's something that's powerful about those daily affirmations . Number five is take personal time for yourself . Treat yourself good . And I think that we all need a hobby , something that we enjoy doing , something that brings us life and give ourselves permission to spend money on it and also spend time on it . Yeah , enjoy life Like I'm looking for fun stuff to do all the time .
Speaker 1Yeah , number six would be strive for perfection without becoming a perfectionist . Kind of hit that one already , but we want to strive for perfection , we want to grow without becoming a perfectionist . And number seven would be choose to live a life of delight .
Speaker 1And this one is , without question , my cherry on the top , because there's no need to go through life and just like everything is such a dread and a fret and a pain , and I just feel like even the problems , you can delight knowing that God's going to give you the answer and problems , and you've been made for the problem and his grace is sufficient for you . And I mean shoot , the joy of the Lord is our strength , and so if you're in pain and going through a bad season , I mean getting upset about it ain't going to help nothing . I need the joy of the Lord . You know what I'm saying . I need some delight , and so I just believe that those changes in perspective will bring a change in some results .
Speaker 2Absolutely Anything in closing . No , that's good .
Speaker 1All right .
Speaker 2Grace to self .
Speaker 1So our prayer for you is that , from this day forward , you will make some dramatic changes on the inside of you . Not to condemn yourself . Be hard on yourself , feel like you're a nobody , that you're useless , but you'll give grace to self . G-t-s .