Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Today's show is entitled Help , my Spouse Gets On my Nerves . Okay , everybody say it with me . Help , help my spouse gets on my nerves . Do I really get on your nerves ? No , this is a title . There has been times you have gotten on my nerves , like that question right there , got on my nerves there .
Speaker 1That listen , we can be living with somebody that we love but sometimes don't like , or we like , but I don't like you today . I don't like what you said , I don't like what you forgot , I don't like what you didn't do , and I think a lot of people just don't know how to deal with their spouse getting on their nerves . If we were honest , the honest truth is that every married couple will get on each other's nerves because you're two different people . You have two different backgrounds , you have two different perspectives , you have two different ways of living . You have two different angles . You know , just like in the gospel you have Matthew Luke's gospel . You know , john , there's different angles on the same event and as a husband and wife .
Speaker 1But not only do we get on each other's nerves . People that you work with get on your nerves , people that your wife , but not only do we get on each other's nerves . People that you work with get on your nerves . Your kids get on your nerves . Your neighbors Some of my neighbors they get on my nerves . Whoever called the HOA and had my car towed my daughter they get on my nerves .
Speaker 1You know what I'm saying , and so this is actually something that I wish we would tell people in premarital counseling that you have all of these butterfly fillings and endorphins right now , and they can do no wrong . But what people do in their marriage is that it comes to a place where they can do no right . So it goes from a place where the infatuation stage , you can do no wrong to a place where you can do no right . And so what we want to do in marriages is learn how to navigate every stage , not just the infatuation stage , but every stage of our growth , so we can be together for 50 , 60 years and not strangle each other Come on .
Speaker 1This is like so normal . Yeah , it's so normal . It's like how can we help people navigate that , that frustration , but still loving each other ?
Speaker 2What do you think ? I mean ? I think , first of all , it's just really not taking yourself so seriously and really recognizing that , okay , I'm not perfect , I'm going to make mistakes , but I think we just can't take ourselves so seriously . And , just like it's normal , we're going to get on each other's nerves , but like , so what ?
Speaker 1But for some reason , people get married and they can only see their perspective . And I think what we said about we try to make our spouse us . I think that's a big one .
Speaker 2If you are intentionally thinking about these things , like if this is all you're focusing on is what they do to get on your nerves and how they didn't do this and what they you know , like , yeah , you're going to be upset all the time , but , just like you've intentionally , we wrote down those things that got on our nerves . We can intentionally write down things about them that we love , things about them that are fantastic , and that's one of the ways that I get over . You know , maybe you offending me or you getting on my nerves . I just really I start to think about how lovely you are and how much I love you and how handsome he is you ?
Speaker 2know I check out your clothes . I'm always like . You always look good . You always dress nice . I'm like . I like the way he looks in that hat . I love it when you wear hoodies . I mean just whatever I need to do , and just as fast as I got offended I can just as easy get out of it .
Speaker 1So here's the deal . We're giving you guys the real deal today . I mean , this is the real deal .
Speaker 2Everybody say the real deal , the real deal .
Speaker 1Okay , when we said help my spouse gets on my nerves , I know that there are some people who they feel like that all of the time . Some of them have said it and they've been threatening leaving , divorce and planning to leave and divorce . Some people have not said it but this bears witness with them . Like , yes , some of you all know that your spouse gets on your nerves and you know that you're just too touchy .
Speaker 1You're irritable and you don't know what to do about that emotion . We want to start today by normalizing . That's normal y'all . It's normal that two people living , sharing the same bed , sharing last names , sharing babies , sharing finances and all of that that is when you really can be tested in what love really is and patience really is , and all of that . And so let's normalize it .
Speaker 1It is OK that you feel that way , but now the question is what are you going to do about it ? Are you going to allow that to fall into the percentages of people getting divorced because unreconcilable differences ? Translation I couldn't learn to get over what got on my nerves about you , so now I want to leave you to marry somebody else that I'm infatuated with for a season until they get on my nerves , and then I'm going to divorce them . To marry somebody else that I think a certain way in the infatuation season until they get on my nerves , and then I'm going to divorce then , and the cycle continues because you just don't know how to live with people and you don't know that you're a people . So you get on somebody's nerves and other people can get on your nerves , and here we are to help you today .
Speaker 1That's all this is , and so I want to give them a few things that they can do as it relates to help . All right , and I'm going to , I'm going to give you a few principles that we've lived by and , um , this is the one thing that we did talk about for today , all right ? Um , people who are easily irritated by their spouse Okay , they need to grow in not being so touchy , frustrated , irritable , and they simply need to grow out of it . Okay , um , and they simply need to grow out of it , okay .
Speaker 2You have anything you want to add to that ? I don't know . I mean I just think it . You kind of said it , just not being so touchy and just not taking yourself . I call that not taking yourself so seriously . Like you know , yes , we're wonderful and we're fantastic and all of these things , but you know also , I mean we're just , you know we , we're , we're wonderful and we're fantastic and all of these things , but you know also , I mean we're just , you know we're , we're not perfect .
Speaker 1Well , I'm looking at . You know , some of the things that had kind of written down for the day , and it's actually what I just asked you was . There's so much that I have here man , should I give it all to him ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean , we're in it because that wasn't the answers yet . I still wanted to identify why people feel that way , why people feel that way , and I'm going to go through these quickly .
Speaker 1They feel that way because they're too touchy , frustrated , irritable , okay , and they got to grow out of it . They also feel that way . People get on their nerves because the closeness that they have to their spouse magnifies their imperfections , and so they focus more on what they do wrong than what they do Right . Is that easy , or what it's like ? You know , when we first was together , it was all about everything you will . You was man I love .
Speaker 1You know your voice , I love the way you cook , I love how soft your hands are . Then after a while it's like well , your feet are rough and I don't , your food is the same and your voice gets on my nerves . Not talking about you , but it's amazing how marriage kind of you know , you start off one way and then you flip . It's like they can't do no wrong , and then they can't do no right , and so jump in whenever you have something on .
Speaker 2Yeah , I like to say that I mean , I think that when you get married , your partner will bring out the best in you . Okay , you know so that when we see each other's imperfections , sometimes like you know you telling me about coming down in the morning and you know people living life , you call it living life and there's crumbs in the kitchen and you guys are trying to eat a bowl of cereal and I come down huffing and puffing and they know it Well . To me it's just kind of like that's something that gets on your nerves and I'm acting like that because you have gotten on my nerves . But I can also step out of the situation to understand that you saying that if I take the opportunity , I can get better from it , meaning that , oh , ok , maybe I shouldn't do that , maybe I should be more kind when I come downstairs , maybe I should have a better attitude when I'm talking to them . You know when I'm in , you know , in a situation like that . So I think that if we allow it , it can bring out the best in us .
Speaker 2Take for , you know so , like if we're not married and we're a single person . I know I'm getting on your nerves because I'm talking too long . But you know , like for a person who isn't married , you don't have somebody with you 24-7 all the time telling you , hey , I don't like it when you do this and I don't like it when you do that , like we're not perfecting each other , like that . So I think sometimes this annoyance , the annoyances that we have with each other , are just , you know , god's way of . You know we're perfecting each other .
Speaker 1People who are easily irritated by their spouse you know we're perfecting each other People who are easily irritated by their spouse . They highlight their spouse's weaknesses and they minimize what their spouse does well , and so that's one thing that they can do differently . They are happy also with themselves , so they project what's inwardly bothering them , and so I think there's a lot of couples who there's a spouse that they're not fulfilled in life . They're not happy , so they are projecting that on their spouse , because it's like the law of close proximity . It's like you actually treat the person closest to you the worst if you have something going on in you , and so I think it's like identifying that you have areas that you need to grow in .
Speaker 1They bottle up too much and just don't know how to communicate how they feel about things , and I think that the reason that people get on each other's nerves is because they are on two opposite ends of the spectrum . They either have bottled it up and not said anything about it , or they nag about everything and they just talk about it all the time instead of finding a healthy balance . And for me , communication is huge Like if I don't , like if it's a big deal to me , you saying something to me about us just living . I have to figure out how to communicate that in a way where you understand it and not understand your perspective , and we can meet each other in the middle . Would you say ? Communication is huge right .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1Okay , and so , uh , of course , those are some reasons why , but I kind of want to just jump to the answers here . Okay , now here's the deal Me and you , we are , we are opposites . You know , we're a lot not alike , and I've heard the saying I think it's so powerful that opposites attract but then opposites attack , and so I think God sets it up that way , where we are attracted to someone who is not like us , and it's almost like that , jerry Maguire , they complete me . It's almost like what I'm not you are .
Speaker 1And I think God allows that on purpose so that he can have , like um , not more complete , because you're complete even without having somebody else in your life . But it's almost like we can kind of yin yang or kind of be that we can kind of come together and be a more powerful force . You know Um , and so if you were really to look at us , we are a lot opposite .
You know I'm usually hot , cold when you're hot , I usually you have left right confusion when I have a map in my brain .
Speaker 2Why do you have to talk about my left right confusion ? I ?
Speaker 1have crazy sense of direction . What else You're artistic . I'm more logical , you are .
Speaker 2I make noise when I walk and you don't .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , I'm cool , you would be more corny .
Speaker 2Definitely . What would be the word , was it corny Corny ? Yes , I like corny movies , I like corny jokes .
Speaker 1Let's talk about movies , so you like more . It has to have a good ending and a happy ending , happy ending .
Speaker 1I like action movies , so you can't stand to see anybody shot . I can't stand to see anybody naked . Actually , we like different foods and the foods that I eat might hurt you and the foods you eat might hurt me . So my cholesterol has always been a challenge , challenge even since I was a little kid . But you've had great cholesterol and so you don't eat meat . I eat meat . Fine , it's always this . You know , I go to sleep with the TV on is fine with me . The TV bothers you .
Speaker 1We can probably go through a bunch of things you know , and so I think sometimes we get married and we are amazed at how different we are . But here's the deal Opposites attract , but if you're not careful , then opposites attack . And the reason that we attack is because we really want our spouse to be us and we didn't marry us and we're trying to change them into being us , but you would never want to marry yourself because , that would be a horrible marriage .
Speaker 1I'm glad that I married you , because you're everything that I'm not , okay . You're kind when I'm mean . You're level-headed when I'm not . You're soft when I'm loud , you're loud when I'm soft . It's , it's this wonderful mix , and I believe that there's a lot of couples out there that you actually married right . Yeah , and the devil's trying to convince you that you've married wrong because of those differences . Anything , anything on that .
Speaker 2No , I agree , it's beautiful when you look at it a certain way . Yeah .
Speaker 1You know , at the end of the day , I think we're normalizing , getting on nerves , but we also have to realize that we all have idiosyncrasies , certain just quirkiness . Quirkiness about us that we're just wired this way and love covers all that .
Speaker 1You know , when it says that love covers a multitude of sins , it also covers a multitude of weaknesses or faults or idiosyncrasies you know , but I think if I was to give anybody advice about what to do when your spouse gets on your nerves , I would say you got to start to like them again . Like the one thing about our relationship is that we started off best friends and we're still best friends today , and I don't think everyone has that in their relationship . You know , I was just reading an article and tell me what you think about this and the writer it was profound .
Speaker 1She said that , um , she said that most people who are single or even married has this long list of red flags that are deal breakers , like if this person is this or did that or said this is a deal breaker , it's over , that's not my person , but they have no list for their friends .
Speaker 2Oh , wow .
Speaker 1They have this long list of deal breakers for their spouse but , they have no list for their friends . Could it be that we live in a generation that actually values friendship relationships over romantic ones , and your friends can do whatever , but they steal your dog . They can do whatever they can steal from you .
Speaker 1You will forgive them . They could go to jail . You will go bail them out . They still going to be your friends . You can be like well , we've been together since middle school . Out they still going to be your friends . You're going to be like well , we've been together since middle school . But if your spouse or the person that you're interested in dating does one thing , then that's a red flag , and so I don't know . I think that the answer to that is a friendship , because when you are not just lovers but also friends , there's a whole lot of stuff that you just forgive because you're friends . So , yeah , I leave my socks off .
Speaker 1Oh , I'm your friend , you know what I'm saying . You just overlook that . What do you think ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean , I think that's true , I think , you know , because we have friends from a young age and so , even as children , we learn to love our friends and care for our friends and we learn that our friends are not perfect .
Speaker 2We get mad at our friends and we throw , we , we , we , we steal each other's toys and we , we fight , like visit , you know , we fist fight our friends , like all of that stuff , but at the end of the day we become friends again . We learned this in childhood . But I think that as we grow up and we begin to fantasize and dream about , you know , our husbands or our wives , we , um , we form this perfect picture in our mind , Like they are going to be the knight in shiny armor , they're going to be the princess , the queen , and they are perfect and they don't make any mistakes . And so then when we get married , you know we're not no one's perfect . I think , yeah , there is this ungodly standard that we put on our spouse . That is just , it's not right .
Speaker 1I think if you grow in like , it's the first step to growing back in love . For those people who feel like you've fallen out of love , why don't you take a step towards growing back into like ?
Speaker 1each other dating again . You know , I just think it's something powerful about continuing to impress each other , continuing to date each other , continuing to be attractive to each other , continuing to find things that we enjoy together . Like I mean , I thank God for people who have girlfriends they want to go to Europe with , but I don't want to go to Europe with my friends . I want to go to Europe with my best friend . It's okay to have other friends . This is just what I believe . I believe your best friend should be your spouse .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I think it's just , you know , like God commanded us to love each other , not to like each other . But when , when it comes to our spouses , you know what I mean Like if we will just love each other , like love one another , that means , you know , love is patient , love is kind , love is forgiving , and so if we can do that to our spouses , we will begin to like them .
Speaker 1Yeah
. So let's give some answers . What do you do when your spouse gets on your nerves ? All right and you can kind of jump in on the back of this . For me , the first thing is that you have to choose a different response , because there is power and choice . Ok , and you might not feel a certain way , you feel irritated , you feel touchy . Choose something different , absolutely .
Speaker 2I mean , I think I yeah , you know , there are some times where I can engage , like , let's say , we have a disagreement and you're upset and I can clearly see it and it seems to be something that's rather important to you and I don't know why you upset about this , and I could come back and say , well , what are you upset about ? And you know , and say all this stuff and kind of get in it with you . But now I'm just like , ok , I see , ok , he's clearly upset . Let me just back to walk away . I'll let you have your space and then we're good .
Speaker 1The power of choice . Number two give them and you some space . Give them and you some space . I'm not talking about separation . I'm not talking about he living in a dog house while you living in the master bedroom . I'm talking about give yourself some space to cool down , to journal , to reflect with God and to gain new perspective .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I think some of that is on us personal and what I learned it like . If I'm looking at you so much and you're getting on my nerves and all of this stuff , usually it doesn't have anything to do with you . It's about me . I'm not taking care of myself , I'm not taking a bubble bath at the end of the day and I'm not praying and spending time with God . I'm not journaling . I'm not taking care of my own self .
Speaker 1Well , I hope somebody hears that , because I think that's the answer . If your spouse is really getting on your nerves , it's probably not them , it's probably you .
Speaker 2No , I really mean that , I mean it's probably you , because you have grace to be a husband , you have grace to be a wife .
Speaker 1Here's the third one . Remember you married a person and you are a person too .
Speaker 2You know .
Speaker 1I think sometimes we get irritated at people for being people . You know , for example , everything that I just said about the things you do to get on my nerves . You don't have to change any of them . I want you to be yourself . I want to be able to forgive . I want to be able to give you space and grace . I want you to be able to forgive . I want to be able to give you space and grace . I want you to be able to correct me and say hey , can you turn on the fan when you're cooking bacon ? Well , of course , if that bothers you , you have this super bionic nose that I don't have . That I don't understand . But I'm just going to turn on the fan and open up a window . You know what I'm saying . Like , I don't expect , I don't want to live in a house where you're on eggshells and I'm on eggshells . So you're a person and it's okay , absolutely .
Speaker 2I agree , a hundred percent .
Speaker 1Number four is communicate to them with love and understanding . You know some things you can change and some things you can't . You got to realize what battles the fight , but I think communication , open dialogue about sex , about money , about frustrations , is huge , without taking it so personal .
Speaker 2I think if you don't communicate and you hold it in , it just gets worse . It never goes away , it only gets worse and worse and worse . So I think communication is key yeah .
Speaker 1Number five would be get counseling , because sometimes you do need a third person party to step in to tell you how stupid you're being , I mean to tell you the things that you need to work on .
Speaker 1I mean really if you're that spouse that , like everything is so everybody just irritates you and you just want out and you feel suffocated . You need somebody that can step to you and just be like you know what ? Did you look at this in the Bible ? Do you know what ? You have a trigger . You haven't dealt with this past trauma . You're trying to run , you're self-sabotaging your relationship . We all need somebody that can really speak into those areas .
Speaker 2Absolutely , I agree , and sometimes I mean it might not need to be couples therapy , it might just need to be you .
Speaker 1Well , that's actually what I was thinking . Yeah , I was thinking you need to go get yourself some help , Right ? What about this one Number six ? You real enemy and this is the real enemy is not your spouse .
Speaker 1It's not the person that you share children with . It is not the person that you share a last name with . It's not the person that you stood on the altar and said I do till death , do us part . The real enemy that you have is Satan , and he is a fallen angel that is sent to steal , to kill and destroy , and the scripture says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood . And so you got to figure out how to partner with your spouse and fight the devil .
Speaker 2He is the accuser . Come on , he's the one that's accusing your spouse . You cannot team up with him .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's a big thing . It's the spirit of accusation . You're not this enough and you're not that enough . You don't treat me this enough and like you you is . You don't keep an account of evil done to it .
Speaker 1What about this Number seven ? Go back to the basics of love . Sometimes we just got to stop and we got to go back to the basics . People are getting on you . Go back to the basics because love . What does it say about love ? It says that love is other serving . It says that love is patient . Sometimes the reason that people getting on our nerves is that we're just not patient enough . God is using them to develop the fruit of patience in us all right the scripture talks about how it overlooks a wrong .
Speaker 1Yeah , and you always pull out everything that's been done wrong .
Speaker 2But that's not love grace give first corinthians 13 and learn love anything on that one oh yeah , I think you like I said grace , um , there's some things that happen that you know . You might have the right to be wrong , you might have the right to be upset or whatever , but you know it could be just something general and basis that you said it's just like , man , why you didn't have to say it like that , you have to treat me like that , you didn't have to look at me like that and I could be perfectly right . But then it's just like you know what . Let me just give him grace , cause I know that's out of character for him . He might've had a bad day , he might've , you know , just whatever . So I'm just going to extend grace , and God does that to us all day every day .
Speaker 1There was one that you shared , though . That was like you do something in your mind where you make it , you make it feel like I'm good , Like you do something where it's like I don't know if you imagine me naked , or what is that ?
Speaker 2Just imagine your spouse naked , like there's something yes , some things are so stupid and so irritating and I can speak from a woman's perspective , from a wife and a mother , like if I'm sitting around picking up all this stuff all day and I've been cooking all day and I came home from work and blah , blah , blah , and I see him Sometimes you can just be really irritating .
Speaker 1I'm trying , you know what I mean ?
Speaker 2Just really irritating . But like , if I look at you and I start thinking of you naked , it's just like it's funny , it's not . It's like it takes it literally , strips away all of the like oh well , who does he think he is and I have to do this and all that ? And it's just like no , this is my husband , I love him , you know .
Speaker 1I start smiling .
Speaker 2What did you say ?
Speaker 1I said I'm doing it right now .
Speaker 2You're getting on my nerves . No , I'm envisioning you naked and I like it .
Speaker 1Stop looking at me like that . Everything I said about you , I was wrong .
Speaker 2But it does . It's just like if I sit there , like I cannot be mad at you if I'm sitting here thinking about you naked .
Speaker 1Right , Like I just you're . Wheels have fallen off this episode you become not this guy .
Speaker 2You're just like my babe , you're my husband . I see your vulnerability . Okay , I see everything .
Speaker 1Anything else in that regard that you would share ?
Speaker 2No , it's just .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2I think that's the number one thing you can do If your spouse gets on your nerves . Just think about them naked . Just see them with no clothes on . I got one that's more spiritual . It's all solved .
Speaker 1And this will be the last one for the day got to invite God in , and so marriage is God's idea . Yeah , all right . And so to be married without God to me is a failure waiting to happen . I don't know how people do it . I don't know how they don't believe in God , but they're married . But whatever , if you're new to our podcast , man , we don't believe you're here by an accident . We're so glad that God has connected us together and we pray that we have brought some value to your life . If you could subscribe , hit the subscribe button on YouTube . You'll be the first to get the content when it's released . If you're on podcast , just hit the download button so you can make sure that you get it every Thursday at 3 pm . I would love to hear your story .
Your stories inspire us your testimonies .
Speaker 1Not only does it encourage us , it also encourages others . The best way to share your testimony would be to write a review , and you can just write a sentence or even a paragraph , and let us know what God spoke to you and what he's doing in your life because of our podcast . If you prefer for it to be private , of course , you can also send us an email , and the email address , of course , is in the show notes below . Next week , we got some great content for you . You're going to want to be a part of our show going forward . Just know that you're not alone . We're praying for you and we are here with you and fighting with you to have God's best . Okay , and so until next time . We'll see you later . Thank you so much for tuning in today . Peace .