Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . I wanna talk about five dating do's and don'ts .
Speaker 2Do's and don'ts .
Speaker 1And I'm under , I'm giving a subtitle A foundation For great relationships . Oh , that's good . Five dating Dues and don'ts . Number one Do Be friends first .
Speaker 2I like that Be friends first .
Speaker 1Sounds simple enough , right Alright , but some people are Overlooking A very important step that you should Like each other .
Speaker 1If you date If you want to marry somebody , and to me , um , dating I'm only going to date someone that I would look that could possibly be a spouse . There's no such thing as let's , let's just date for fun . That's crazy , that's a waste of time . We're wasting meal space . We're wasting a lot of time . Um , this person should have something that now you don't know him yet because it's like a first date or second date . You don't know them but there's something about them that could possibly be there .
Speaker 1It's not like you're looking at , like no , I would never . Okay , that probably ain't it . But I think that some people are getting married for physical attractiveness , money , all kinds of different reasons , but they're not , they don't even like each other .
Speaker 2So talk to me is that important to you ? I think it's really important . What we found is that a lot of people get married because they have sex first , sex before marriage . They're physically attracted to each other and they kind of just form this connection , this , what is it ? The soul tie . And , like you , you love this person and you know because of everything that you've been doing together . Um , but then you get married and find out , uh , I don't like you , right you , I don't like how you do that , I don't like your frame of thinking , I don't like your . You know , like I'm , I work on a 10 all the time and you're like a five . Why are you so slow ? Well , why are you so fast ? Like , we figure out after the fact that we don't really like each other and now you have a different problem on your hand .
Speaker 1Well , I think one of the things that have allowed us to have 25 years of marriage , and I'm looking forward to the next 25 years is that we're best friends .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And that's not cliche , that's not just a phrase . I want to spend time with you in my off time . You want to spend time with me . We work together , we eat together , sleep together , we do everything together , because you are the person that I want to spend the most time with Now . We're a lot . We're not alike in all things , but we're best friends and I think that that like portion is what energizes the love portion , and I just think that we should look for people that we actually enjoy their company .
Speaker 1Here's number two do is do give yourself enough time to see how they respond to challenging seasons . Now , some people they know how to interview . Well , it's like you can be a supervisor and you can get the resume of people . And there's some people they know how to interview Boy , they can interview , but then when you get them on the job , you're like oh my God , what have we done ? And I think dating is like that a lot , because people know how to interview , they know how to put on the right perfume and colognes .
Speaker 1They know how to dress themselves up . They know what restaurants to go to . That doesn't mean that they're going to make a great spouse . So we got to give ourselves a season to see how they handle hard things , difficult things because , pain shows you what a person is really made of .
Speaker 2Yeah , I agree so that takes a little bit of time and to allow them to respond to you when things happen in your life maybe when you're having a bad day or when you have a trying situation bringing it to them , talking it out , seeing what their perspective is . I think that is healthy .
Speaker 1You know I had a gentleman who goes to our church that when he went to propose to his wife they were both professional athletes and when he went to propose he was waiting .
Speaker 1He had a ring on him for many months was waiting for her to have a horrible day , like a horrible workout , a horrible day . He was waiting for her to have a bad day and one day she had just the worst workout , felt like giving up , you know , quitting , quitting the profession , and he got down on a knee and he proposed to her and said sweetheart , I'm making a commitment to love you in your worst days . Now , that's different than the people who get engaged and they , you know , everything is perfect .
Speaker 2You don't time that all out and I said man , what revelation is that ?
Speaker 1Because that's where true marriages are built right . Like , I'm going to choose to love you in your worst days , because anybody can love somebody in their best days , but it's your worst days . I just think that that's good . Number three is this Do be attracted to them . All right , and this one's important because , like I said , I think there's people who are dating people that you don't really . You're not attracted to them . Yeah , and when you get married , I don't know .
Speaker 2Tell me , is attraction important in our marriage ? I think it is . I mean , yeah , I mean , I think it's a big deal . I want to be attracted to you . I want that more than a brother-sister love .
Speaker 1Yeah , I don't want a partnership or a roommate .
Speaker 2Yeah , I want the chemistry between each other .
Speaker 1You think this is popular , that people are just overlooking if they're attracted . I think that there are some people that are too far and they got to have everything perfect you got to be six foot three with white teeth and got to be have this kind of job .
Speaker 1And you , you , you know cause I wouldn't have been on your list . You know of what you were looking for . I think that there are some people that your standard it's not that it's too high , cause I want you to have high standards , but you just got to let God breathe on your standards , like maybe , you know , ball up your list a little bit and say God , give me what's best for me and help me see them when they come Right .
Speaker 2I think there's two ends of the spectrum . You have people who go for . You know it's just . You know it's all about the sex and it's all about that physical attraction . You know what I mean . And then they get married , like we said in number one , and then they're not friends and they figure out . Oh my gosh , what am I going to ?
Speaker 2do Well then there's some people who might go all the way over to maybe like the holy side . If you're a believer now and you say , no , I need him to go to church and I need him to read the word and I need him to do this stuff , and you're so in love with his relationship with God and how he's a good person or she's a good person , but now you forgot like , oh my gosh , I'm not attracted to them . I think it's a big deal . And then that's something else you have to work on . You got to figure that out .
Speaker 1Right , yeah , so I think my word would be don't be so spiritual about , because your marriage it's a spiritual covenant but there's a lot of natural to it , like and so anyway , number four is do know when it's time to have deeper conversations . So when you're dating somebody , you need to know when it's time to have deeper conversations .
Speaker 2You probably shouldn't come in on the first date talking about how many kids you want to have in the first date . Some people do . I think yeah .
Speaker 1Maybe it works for them , but to me , wisdom is the key . You've got to be wise enough to know when to have certain conversations , but before you give too much of your emotions and invest too much time , there are some deeper conversations you need to have , would you agree ? Yeah like what ? How many children do you want to have ? What church will we go to if we get ?
Speaker 2married , but just not on the first date you're saying what cities do we ? Want to go to First date . Just do I like this person . Are we compatible ?
Speaker 1Where will we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas if we get married ? What does your credit score look like ? How much money do you have saved in the bank ? Come on now .
Speaker 2This is going to be a life partnership like how long have you been at your last job ? How long , how long have you been a business owner ? Yeah , um .
Speaker 1What's your relationship with ?
Speaker 2your parents yeah have you , do you have kids , that's a great question , wow you have other kids somewhere .
Speaker 1You know what I'm saying . Do you ? Do you have any sickness , any diagnosis ? Uh-huh , like it's not that it's a deal breaker , but don't surprise me after we get married with stuff . I mean , like there needs to be at some place . I can't say date one , date two , date three , date four , date five . The Holy Spirit will give you wisdom , but like don't go in with just surface relationship .
Speaker 1Oh we love each other , because marriage is going to be more than that . It's going to be commitment , it's going to be agreement , there's going to be partnership and you need to have deep conversations to see if this thing has the compatibility to go the distance Interesting . You wasn't ready for that . One Number five do all right is know your worth and don't give out discounts . And I think that's huge to know your worth and not give out discounts . And to me let me talk to my daughters , young ladies is if a man is not willing to pay the price for you , he's not worthy of you and the price is a ring . It is a marriage commitment and I think too many times we give out discounts and I know it goes vice versa , like for men as well . It goes both men and women . But the principle is this it's like if you know your worth , you don't have to give out discounts . People can pay the full price for you .
Speaker 2And I think that's important . What do you think ? I think it's very important and I think the person I mean if you are willing to stick to your standards and stand strong in your beliefs , I think that makes that that person will respect you for that , they will honor you for that and that will make them love you more .
Speaker 1Yeah , and I'm not saying play hard to get . I think that's whack too .
Speaker 2Yeah , well , what you mean by discount is that sex before marriage ?
Speaker 1Like if you are a believer , god's way is better than our way . Right Period , point blank . Now . So what the Bible says is that sex is supposed to be between a married man and a married woman . That's it . So what that means is that in your dating you're basically working on communication , emotional connection , spiritual connection , but the physical connection is last . And the physical connection is last and the physical connection is supposed to come after . You say I do . Now the challenge that people have with that is that they say well , what if the sex ain't good ? Or what if our sexual rhythms are off , all of those different things . I would say God's way is better than our way .
Speaker 2That's crazy .
Speaker 1I would say well , you have to trust God that he's brought this person into your life and as you go through the premarital state , you have to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit . And you got to trust God .
Speaker 2I just never . I just . That's such a lie though I think that's a lie of the enemy Like what if the sex isn't good ? What do you mean ? This is the person that you love , that you're . You know you love them , you're committing your life to marry them , you're attracted to them and you're afraid that you're going to get married to them and then find out that you don't like the way they have sex . Like that's so , like I've never heard .
Speaker 1Just me personally . I don't know if I meant it that way .
Speaker 2I think what I was thinking was more like Well , I hear people say that though that's a common thing Like , oh well , but what if you ? You know you need to try before you get married ? What if you don't like it ? What if you're not sexually compatible ? I just don't know how that happens , how you love one another , like you know , and you're not going to be .
Speaker 1Well , I was thinking more from the standpoint of sexual rhythms like that . That person wants to have sex every day and the other person wants to have sex every other week or stuff like that . You know what I'm saying . Like , you don't know those things until you actually get into that .
Speaker 2Yeah , you never , you can't , you can't .
Speaker 1And I guess what I was saying is like be okay with not knowing those things you know , because God's way is going to be better than our way .
Speaker 1The longer that you're in ministry you will find someone who's like yeah , I did it right , I kept it locked to lose , get that rock , and then when we got married it was horrible . Like they either , um , there was sexual trauma that had been unresolved , there was all kinds of things that their sexual life I mean . I literally know people that they did it the right way , so to say , but then had sexual problems , right . You can't take that example and then set yourself up another doctrine and say , just because I've heard that happen to people , that means I'm going to take matters into my own hands and do it my way instead of God's way . You got to know that God's way is always going to be better than your way , and so if God's way says yes , because with all faith there's a risk , you know with everything there's a risk and so I don't know about you , I think it's more risky to be sleeping around with everybody . I think that's more risky than just trusting God with my sexuality until .
Speaker 2I say I do .
Speaker 1But if there ever comes a place , just rest assured that God got you and that whatever's happening in your sexual life after you get married and how you have to learn each other , the grace of God is going to cover it , because you did it his way . Let's do five dating don'ts , okay , is that where we at Don't ?
Speaker 2All right .
Speaker 1How about this one ? Don't be pressed . All right , because .
Speaker 2Please don't be pressed .
Speaker 1Can I talk to the ladies just for a second ? Can you give me permission to talk to the ladies ? One thing that a man doesn't like is a pressed woman . Now , I say that very generally because some men might like it , but what I'm saying is , for the most part , men are unattracted to pressed women .
Speaker 2And how would you define or describe a pressed woman ? Just thirsty .
Speaker 1Just like you know she like you and she's making all of the forward movements to let you know she like you . Like , as a man , I want to be the pursuer . Yeah , like , I don't mind you throwing a hint , you know what I'm saying . Like , oh , I see you , you see me , you know what I'm saying . Like what's up ? But like this whole thing of like I don't know . We just live in a day and time where I see ladies proposing , I see ladies taking the full advantage of and I've heard that there are some guys that they are not good with women , so they , I know of people who are married now because the woman pursued him . There's going to be some times like that . But I'm just telling you my name is Ken and I'm your friend .
Speaker 1For the majority For the most part , a guy wants to be the pursuer . You throw him a little hint , maybe a little flirt , but you got to have pace with this thing , man . It's like a running back . You just can't run up into your linebacker every single time . You got to wait for the gap to open to be able to run through , to get a touchdown . And I think that some ladies they need to practice patience . Like let him come to you , live your life in a way that's attractive to where , if you like him , it's okay , he'll see it . You know he'll see it . There's , there's a level of you know . Is that , what is that ? Is that old fashioned ? Are you with me ?
Speaker 2I mean , I am with you 100 percent because personally and I think it just depends on your personality and the people I think the majority we're talking about the majority here because I am looking for a man . I want a man who is like , like , in my opinion , like , okay , you are going to lead me . I want a man , not that I need to be led , but you're going to , you know , like , be a man , um , the , the priest of my household and be a king , because I'm the queen Like I want somebody who takes charge and takes control and will handle their business and knows what he wants .
Speaker 2And so I want to be pursued . I wanted to be pursued like okay , I see you , you know , I see you , I know , you see me , but if are you going to do anything about it , I did not like that . As a single person , even unsaved , I didn't like it . There were a lot of people who would be in , you know like , just if we would go out or whatever , and you'd have a bunch of people who were attractive , sports players , things like that and they had like five girls coming up to them , all the women were throwing themselves at them and I would be like I am not the one . You could look at me all day long , but I'm not about to look like thirsty .
Speaker 1And that's why I liked you , and that's my point , because if you were thirsty and pressed , I would have put you in a category with all of you because I didn't like that . That's not wifey material Now in the streets or secularly . We would say that that's like booty call material . But that's not what you want to be . You can attract a boy , but can you attract a man ?
Speaker 1And that's the difference and I think sometimes like a man is like . So what you just described to me is what you like about me is more of my leadership ability , my covering , my , my stay .
Speaker 2I want you to be confident . I don't want you sending your best friend over to say hi to me and get my number . I want you to be confident , Walk up to me and be like hi , my name is Ken , just like you did . What's your name ? I saw you at like , yes , that's what I wanted .
Speaker 1So the concern is if you take matters into your own hands you might get a man , but the man might be a boy .
Speaker 2Right . And I ain't got time for that .
Speaker 1I'm just trying to help with Ken and Tabitha . We're your friends . Oh man , oh Jesus . Number two don't look for somebody to complete you .
Speaker 2And .
Speaker 1I think there are people that are saying well , I'm looking for my better half . If you need a half of somebody , you're not ready to get married or start dating . You want to date two hoes . You want to marry two hoes . Can you speak to that ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I think you know we all hear that , and I think that it's a posture and a position to be like I am whole , I am enough , I am worthy , and I believe that you attract what you put out . You know what I mean , I know who I am . Well then , that guy who's looking around your husband I'm speaking to the ladies right now , but when you put that out , that's what you attract , right , so good , so good .
Speaker 1Here's the third one Don't give too much of yourself too fast . And on this one I'm not thinking just sexually , I'm thinking emotionally , mentally . Don't give yourself out too fast .
Speaker 1What I mean is that sometimes people fall head over heels in love with a person and the person they like you . All right , you know what I'm saying . You like oh my God , this is the third date you already saying you love me . So I'm not saying play hard to get , but I'm just saying play it wise . Like you know , there's a , there's a rhythm with the thing . So for our relationship we liked each other at equal paces . That's why we worked so well . I've been in relationships before you and it was like I felt like I was trying to get , and trying to get , and trying to get , and trying to get with her , and trying to get with her and trying to get with her , and I'm sure you've been in some relationships like that . Those relationships suck .
Speaker 2It's like you're always trying to win that person's heart , win their affection trying to buy
them some flowers , trying to meet them outside of work , and they just keep caring .
Speaker 1You're trying to make them like you . Yeah , you don't want somebody . They just don't . They don't like you . You know what I'm saying .
Speaker 1They don't like you like that Can we just talk about something just real quick . No-transcript . Talking to them it's all , we've been together 10 years . I said how long you been married ? Oh , we're not married yet . And I said , okay , something wrong . And I said I'm sorry that you came up to me in line and you thought that I was going to give you some , but no , something's wrong and so somebody here needs to grow up , or you have a commitment issue , because that's the truth . No-transcript .
Speaker 2God is so stronger than what I thought you know what I see a lot in ministry as well are people who are with someone especially women with men and they're just best friends with this guy . Like , oh , we're friends , we're friends . And the guy says this is my friend , this is my friend , but he's got three and four and five other friends . But you guys go to the movie together , you go to Starbucks together , you hang out and do ministry together , but you're just friends . But really the woman is just hoping , like , oh , I know that he likes me . You know , I'm just going to be there for him , I'm going to do all you're . You're acting like , you know , like a girlfriend , um , but he doesn't like you , like that Cause if he liked you , you would know it .
Speaker 2And if he likes you , you don't have to wonder like , oh , I wonder if he likes me .
Speaker 1No , you will know it , he will let you know , give me some horns on that . Give me some horns on that real quick , okay .
Speaker 2So I say that because and I've said this to several women in ministry I'm like how long y'all been friends and he hasn't asked you out on a date ? Okay , he does not like you . They've had conversations like oh , we talked about , well , what if we were together ? No , he Not like that . And that doesn't mean anything about you . What it means is that I'm saying that because you have to just like let him go . Go find some other friends , go find a girlfriend , because people think you're together , you out with him at Starbucks , but the other guy who you could be with , who is looking for a wife , sees you with him talking . You know what I mean . It's like let's not waste our time .
Speaker 1If you want to be married , don't waste your time being friends . Let me confirm every word coming out of her mouth . Okay , because , as a man , if you want her , you'll go get her period , point blank . If he wants you , he's going to come get you , he's going to shoot a shot , he's going to spit his best lines , he's going to do whatever he got to do , and if he ain't man enough to do that , he ain't the man that you need . But if he want you , so you don't have to sit around and be like I wonder if he likes me while he's leading you on . To me that just seems like and I'm not trying to be harsh but you don't want to be a groupie .
Speaker 2Yeah , you don't want to be a groupie , just hanging around with the other five people that are hanging around hoping that he or she might start liking you for real . When I first met you , I'm sorry , but you had some groupies don't talk about my group you had groupies now I love them and bless them . It's all good , but I remember coming up to your house and the groupies would be around and they didn't like me because I wasn't one of them , but all you had to do was say the word , and they would have been with you like this .
Speaker 1They were my friends baby .
Speaker 2Like this baby , Like this . They were my friends man , yeah , and you didn't like them a bit I didn't like them at all , but I just like being around them .
Speaker 1I mean I would better they were catering to you . I mean all of that they were so we could talk and stuff . You know it's better to hang out with a bunch of dudes , hang out with a group of girls , I mean I don't know , but anyway , long time ago , just saying , just saying you're dropping dimes on this podcast . You better share this thing around the world .
Speaker 1I'm telling you , single people need this stuff . They need this one man , oh man . And so number four is don't play married when you're not
. Don't play married when you're not , that's good . And I think that there's we're in a day and time where people want to try it before they buy it .
Speaker 1And they're basically , we call it back in the day shacking or they're playing house and , um , you know , they even said well , we're , we're , we're married . Common law . That we ain't talking about the common law here . Have you , do you have a marriage certificate , homie ? Have you stood on the altar and said I do , and if you haven't done that , you're not ?
Speaker 1married you know , I tried the whole thing years ago where I said well , baby , God understands , you know we married in our heart , We'll get married one day . All that's bananas and I fell for it . All that's a bunch of bananas , man , and so you don't want to play married because marriage is such a holy institution that has been given by God and it should be honored , it should be cherished . It should be revered and all of that good stuff .
Speaker 2Yeah , I heard someone say talk about dating . No-transcript was bad . It felt like divorce , but we don't get into those situations , you know , if we really do some of these do's and don'ts .
Speaker 1Well , so that means that there are a lot of people out here that are hurting because they've been through many divorces . They haven't been through an official divorce because they haven't been officially married .
Speaker 2But there's been soul ties that have been broken , people that have left yeah , people that have left .
Speaker 1And we pray for healing , for you ?
Speaker 2Yes , absolutely .
Speaker 1Last but not least , don't put yourself in compromising positions . And so sex is for marriage , and sex is a gift that you should give your spouse on the wedding night . But listen , you're going to have a Britney Spears oops , I did it again moment if you don't put the right parameters in your life , and so if you put yourself in compromising position . Let me be straightforward .
Speaker 2Tell us a compromising position .
Speaker 1Compromise position is 2 am in the morning . You over her house , you over his house and nobody else is around . Compromising position it's going . Oops , I did it again , my bad Lord forgive me . You know what I mean . You got to stop putting yourself in compromising position . You're in the backseat of a car with somebody that you're dating or like and you are kissing fondly , touching , rubbing , humping , bumping , grinding , talking about you , a virgin . Compromising position , compromising position . And so we have to be willing to protect the anointing on our life , our call to holiness enough to where listen ? Set yourself like . I'm not going to tell you what to do . You're grown , but you got to give yourself a curfew .
Speaker 1You know , by 10 PM we probably should be done with this date . I'm not coming over your house unless other people are over your house . If I come over your house , we're going to stay in the living room where other people are , we're not going to go into your bedroom . It's amazing to me that people's like I can't believe I messed up , I can't believe I cheated , I had adultery , I can't the bed together . I mean , sometimes you accidentally get into position and into places like you're at the movie theater .
Speaker 2You're watching a movie innocently , and then there's two naked people on the screen and all of a sudden they're doing all kinds of stuff in front of you . What do you do ? That's a compromising situation .
Speaker 1You put yourself in . That's why I watch only PG 13 movies and and below because there's no need .
Speaker 2So there's guardrails too .
Speaker 1Naked women is doing nothing to add value to my life other than your naked body . Other naked women is doing nothing to bring me closer to Jesus . I personally think all women are beautiful in some kind of way . I think men are beautiful too . I think , we're all God's creation , and so I got to know my flesh enough to know what's good for me and what's going to be healthy for me , and so that's a compromising position . I do not watch rated R movies for the most part Okay , because it's not going to help .
Speaker 2And I think there's compromising environments , environments , like you know . At a certain time I think we can go out into like a restaurant , let's say 11 o'clock at night . We can go into a restaurant and they've got the music banging and now it's kind of turned into a nightclub and it's like it could lead you into a situation where it's like you know you might have . I mean , it's just compromising to me .
Speaker 1I just heard the Lord say don't be unequally yoked together with unbelievers , because that wasn't even . It's a bonus . It wasn't even on my , it's not even here . This is the sixth don't Don't be unequally yoked together with unbelievers .
Speaker 2You just pulled that out of nowhere .
Speaker 1No , I'm telling you . I heard the Lord say don't be unequally yoked , because there's somebody who's listening or watching and they are missionary dating . They are saying that this person is not saved , but I'm going to try to win them . Don't do that . Listen , you got to let them get saved , not because they want to get with you , but because they're submitting their heart to Jesus .
Speaker 2Yeah , you can pray for them .
Speaker 1Yeah , you might be able to share a scripture , but you got to back way off and let God do a work on the inside of people because you don't want to . And I see , I see this that somebody broke all of these do's and don'ts and they got married to somebody who was a nice person , had a nice job , but they don't believe in God .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And their marriage suffers . They go to church by themselves . They don't have anybody to pray with them because they rushed this moment . Don't be unequally yoked together with unbelievers .
Speaker 2That was good for today .
Speaker 1That was good . That was good for today .