Well , today's episode is entitled Grace to Self . Everybody say it Grace to Self , gts . And we want to help you understand what grace to self is . We want you to embrace grace to self , we want you to learn about grace to self and teach other people . And so how would you define grace to self , babe ? What's your what's ?
Speaker 2your Grace to self , babe . What's your , what's your grace to self ? Um , I would say grace to self is giving yourself the same grace that you would give other people .
Speaker 1Okay , talk to me more .
Speaker 2So , um , if someone came to me and was discouraged or said , oh my gosh , I did this or hey , I need help , I would begin to encourage them . I would begin to give them the word of God , give them everything that I had to build them up and to help them in their situation . Okay , and so I think grace to self is within yourself , encouraging yourself , going into that reservoir and pulling out life experience to help you and encourage yourself in whatever situation .
Speaker 1What would be the opposite of grace to self ?
Speaker 2Self-condemnation Okay , more like you're stupid Dumping on yourself . Why did you do that ? Being hard on yourself .
Speaker 1I can't stand it .
Speaker 2I can't stand myself , I can't stand myself .
Speaker 1Well , that's some people . Where they live , they have been taught negative self-talk and they talk well of other people and they talk really bad about themselves . I used to be there , you used to be there . Can you tell me a little bit Chronically there ? Oh yeah , in which way ? Give me something there .
Speaker 2I'll give you my favorite example . I was this is only maybe five to eight years ago , something like that . So I'm a pastor . I encourage people . That's what I do . I love people . I have kids , everything I encourage .
Speaker 2My husband and I was standing in the mirror one day getting dressed to go to a meeting and I was just tearing myself apart . This outfit is stupid . Your hair looks crazy . You're too fat . I don't even know if you have anything to say to these people . You should just call off . I was going in on myself , I didn't even realize it , but the voice of God spoke to me . I heard the Lord say , not with my ears , but in my heart who are you talking to like that ? And I was just like it startled me . I stopped and I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I didn't respond and he just said . He said who are you talking to like that ? That's my daughter . And it gave me the impression that , like , how dare you talk to my daughter like that ? That's not who she is . Why would you say those things to her ? And then my next instructions were talk to yourself the way you talk to other people . Or he actually told me would you talk to your daughter like that ? No , would you talk to your friend ?
Speaker 1like that . No , yeah , you're super gracious to everybody , you're super kind , you're super above the board , but for some reason was having a hard time being like that with you .
Speaker 2I didn't realize that it was even a problem . I didn't realize because I had been a perfectionist
. You know I like to do everything a certain way , maybe a little OCD . Maybe you know I'm an overachiever . You know I like to do it at 110% . But along with that came this you're never good enough . Even if I did do it at 100% , you could have did it more . Why didn't you do it like this ? It was this negative self-talk .
Speaker 1Okay , okay .
Speaker 2And so in that moment , when I was looking at myself in the mirror , I realized like the Lord just melted my heart and I like repented before the Lord and I was like I'm sorry . And I actually was just like Tabitha , you know , like I'm sorry . I mean I'm looking at myself in the mirror , talking to myself and at the time I had been diagnosed with Hashimoto's . I was having struggles with my thyroid . Hashimoto's is when your thyroid levels are up and then they're down , and then they're up again and then they're down .
Speaker 1Which is an autoimmune disorder . Yes , just like lupus , just like rheumatoid arthritis , just like cancer , is basically your body turning on itself . Okay Now , why is that important ?
Speaker 2That's important , because what I did in the mirror that day and I was just led of the Lord and having the information that you had , it just clicked to me all in one moment and I realized , tabitha , you have been at war with yourself and your body , as a man thinks in his heart , so is he , Through my thoughts , and I was training my body to turn on itself , to be at war with itself . And so I put one hand on my gut , because I knew that's where most of your immune system exists , and I put one hand to God and I said I wave the white flag , I surrender , I am no longer at war with myself , but I will love myself from this day forward and speak positive things about myself .
Speaker 2I'm telling you , it changed my life around . I still practice those principles today . But do you know what ? The next time you were there with me , we went to the doctor's office , my doctor's doctor , don Colbert . He is amazing , he's been our doctor for years . He's looking at our papers and he's saying Tabitha , you don't have Hashimoto's . And I'm reminding him . I'm like but remember , tabitha , you don't have a , but remember . I kept wanting to tell him , like , be sure , he's like , I'm telling you , girl , you don't have Hashimoto's . I believe God healed me in that moment that I said no more , I'm not going to be at war with myself , and my body was able to heal as well . But I think that's the power , yeah .
Speaker 1Grace to self , grace to self . So I remember when we met Now we've been married for 24 years . I think when we met were you taking thyroid medicine .
Speaker 2No , not when I met , not when I met you .
Speaker 1Because you've always had something . I had the history with my thyroid , yeah , okay . Then you started taking medicine , but you had taken medicine for how many years ?
Speaker 2Probably three years at that point .
Speaker 1Oh , really yeah . Three years , I thought you'd taken thyroid medicine for a while .
Speaker 2No , I had a thyroid problem starting at 12 years old . So when I was 12 , I had a goiter If you're in that world , you know what that is and I had to drink the solution from my thyroid . Since then , I had thyroid issues , and I didn't take medication , though , until it got to a point where it was just like , okay , you need to take medication now , and that was probably about a three to four year period .
Speaker 1So , but that was a separate issue the Hashimoto's and you having a thyroid or needing thyroid medicines .
Speaker 2It's all the same . It's all the same .
Speaker 1But it was two different issues . Right , you was taking thyroid medicine before Hashimoto's .
Speaker 2Yes , ok , yes .
Speaker 1And so , but now you don't need to take any medicine at all .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1OK . So not only is Hashimoto's gone , even your thyroid issue , where you need levels are perfect , it's perfect . I don't know , I don't really believe in that it's been years now . Yeah , I just believe that that is a part of grace to self . I really do , and of course , god's will is for us to be healed and be whole , but there's just something about the person that speaks negatively of themselves and turns on themselves . Your body can actually be trained to kind of follow what you're doing , and so I'm glad that you've reversed that .
Speaker 1But is there any other examples that you have of where you were hard on yourself or you didn't extend grace to self ?
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I mean , you know , throughout life I was that one , like I said , wanting to be the overachiever , and I kind of didn't have a great foundation for my identity . I didn't believe that I was . I thought that everybody else was better than me . You know , like I'm the worst . You know , whatever I did , it doesn't measure up to what you . You know , whatever you did , you know it doesn't measure up to what I did . I just had this poor , you know , self-identity . And so I think I trained and then , you know , growing up as a younger child , the words that were spoken over me were , you know , you're this , you're that , you know cuss words , just you know . And so I would always deflect those and I would even have a comeback . You know , as a teenager no , I'm not , and you know I would get to fighting and everything , all of that stuff but still that those were seeds that were planted and I didn't know anything else but the negative Right but the negative Right , um , and so I don't know .
Speaker 2I , just as I became an adult , I began to . I knew that what people said about me was wrong . I knew it , but I don't know . I even knew to the extent to forgive other people and to be kind toward other people . I would never talk to someone else the way I talk to myself , and until that moment that the Lord spoke to me like literally ,
I didn't realize that I was talking to myself like that . But I can look back and see yeah , that's why maybe you didn't try hard .
Speaker 1That's why ?
Speaker 2maybe you didn't have those friends ?
Speaker 1So maybe you didn't have grace to self , maybe you didn't even know how to forgive yourself of certain things , I don't know . I mean , for me GTS would probably be more when it comes to religious stuff , like I've always had like a chill personality . If you go way , way back , like people can believe what they want , do what they want , it's cool , we cool , it's all right . You know , it's not until I really got into the word of God that I was like no , there is a right and there is a wrong .
Speaker 1There are some standards , but also with my walk with God , there are certain disciplines , like when it comes to prayer time , when it comes to study time and I've always been a very disciplined person Like I'm going to spend probably at least an hour in time with God a day . Pretty much you can set your clock to it . I mean I'm a very disciplined . This is the way that I just go about my day and the times that I've really need grace to myself is if I miss a day , or miss two days , or I'm just off , not feeling bad like , oh , I missed my time with God .
Speaker 2Oh .
Speaker 1I didn't study the Bible enough , or I didn't , I didn't do something spiritual enough . Maybe I didn't give enough and truthfully , I probably . I'm a very generous person , and now God is teaching me a thing of not just like . I was in prayer the other day and I was down on my knees and when I got up off my knees I thought my time of prayer was over . It's like 7 am and it's time to get on with my day , and as I got off my knees I heard the Lord say take me with you , meaning that prayer is not something that you just do for an hour in the day . God wants to go with us . He wants to get in the car with me . He wants to go into all of my meetings in a day . He wants to be here beside me in my podcast . He wants to help me , answer my problems . He is not interested in us just having quiet time , even though quiet time is important . When the scripture says , pray without ceasing , he's saying that there's a lifeline of communication .
Speaker 1And so , for me , I'm about to go through this whole relationship with God movement , and so I've really been studying what it means to have a strong relationship with God , and one of the things is invitation and also awareness that I'm aware of his presence at all time , that I'm aware of his voice , that I'm willing to speak to him , that my ear is always open to him , and so with that , it's allowed me to extend a lot of grace to myself , because I'm like , okay , maybe I didn't have the kind of time that I wanted to have in prayer , but prayer is not just a morning thing , it's an all day thing . Come on , let's go . It's just this consistent thing . And I don't know , right now I'm in a season of my life where I'm delighting in things , walking in the door of the Lord and extending total grace towards myself Because , I don't know , I just feel like that's so much better than condemning myself , breaking myself down , feeling like a chump and horrible . I think Satan would love us to feel that way .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I mean , I imagine Jesus when he walked the earth . How hard he could have been on himself . I mean , the greatest man to ever live , jesus Christ right , look at all the people he healed . What if he was like man ? If I could have just healed that one more , if I could have just healed 10 more , you know , look at all the people that you know uh like about a pool of Bethesda one man gets up you know , he puts the person in the water , the water stirring , but people were everywhere . Right .
Speaker 1What if he was like man ? I just why just this one ? I want to you know .
Speaker 2Like man , I don't have to go to sleep tonight . Let me just stay up all night preaching in the synagogue . Let me just there's , so you can always be doing something . But at what point is it too much and a detriment to yourself ? Right , you have to love yourself , yeah .
Speaker 1So for me , and maybe you too , the areas where I need to extend grace to self would be finances . Many times I feel like I haven't saved enough , I haven't stewarded enough to where you know . Even sometimes I feel like maybe I've given too much .
Speaker 2Oh yeah .
Speaker 1Maybe not given enough , or you know , it's just this whole thing , and that's where you need grace to self .
Speaker 2And grace to self is like you're doing the best you can . Are your footsteps not ordered by the Lord ? Is God not going to lead you and guide you ? So it's like I think sometimes , when we don't extend grace to ourselves , it's because we're focusing too much on ourselves , on our ability and what we can do . And grace is God's ability on top of our ability , his supernatural ability on top of our natural ability to do what he's called us to do .
Speaker 1I remember back in the day I almost felt like it was my job to save the world . I'm a ministry gift and I need to go out and preach the gospel . And now I look at it like I can't save the world . I can kind of influence my world not the world , my world , like my everyday life , of my sphere of influence . Let me let my light shine there because I need . I need grace to self when it comes to even soul winning .
Speaker 2Like .
Speaker 1I'll feel bad if I walk past somebody and I maybe didn't share my faith , or if there's somebody with a sign up and they're walking towards my car but I don't really have change . I'll kind of feel a little bad about that and I guess what I'm saying is that , no , give yourself grace . You didn't have any change . You know what I'm saying . You love people , or better yet , I give you know a whole lot of money . You know , probably 20% of everything that comes in . We probably give back out , you know , and if I miss this person or that person , I can extend some grace to myself .
Speaker 2It's okay . I think my biggest challenge right now with not extending grace to self would be with our kids . Like you know , if one of them's not turning their homework in , or you know , we had the whole COVID situation and one of our kids missed out on , like you know , their math was just terrible . So then we had to take them to tutoring and get them caught up in math and stuff . And you know , like as a parent , you know I can feel really bad , like oh my , my gosh , a baby that know how to do math .
Speaker 1Or , better yet , I'm always taking care of the church business , I'm always taking care of the kingdom business , and my kid can't write well , or ? Something like that Like you come home and it's like you get an email from the school like , oh , somebody has a D on this , and you're like man , I suck . As a parent , I'm not putting my family first , and that's not true . I do a lot of things for my family , and just because there's a weakness or an area of improvement doesn't mean that there's fundamentally a problem or I'm flawed .
Speaker 2Right .
Speaker 1And that's why you need grace to self , right Anything else come out on that we can go on and on about all of those things . And so we got kind of seven keys here to extending grace to self , and we'll just kind of jump into these . Number one you got to give yourself the same grace
that you would give others . Yes , sir , I think that's what you were talking about .
Speaker 1And so you are like sugary sweet to people , like super save the animal , save the world , you know kind of person , but then hard on yourself and that it doesn't need to get the flip flip to where you're mean to others and give grace to self . You just need to extend that same grace to yourself that you would extend to others , and I think there's many people that need to do that as well .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1Number two , to choose to forgive yourself from past shortcomings and mistakes . Mm hmm . Now on the Enneagram , what are you ?
Speaker 2You know , I think I'm a number one , but I'm tied for a number one and eight . I think I'm a number one , but in leadership situations I kind of turn into an eight .
Speaker 1Those of you all who are unfamiliar with Enneagram . It is like a motivation study , where what is your key motivators that motivates you to do certain things ? Yeah , and a one is what ?
Speaker 2A one is your . What is it called the perfectionist ? Okay ?
Speaker 1So Tabitha is a recovering perfectionist . We're not going to call her a perfectionist , that's right . She's a recovering perfectionist because she always wants to keep the rules . She always wants to play by the book . She don't want to do anything wrong . But many people who are perfectionists probably struggle with grace to self because everything has to be just right . Life is not just right all the time Preach it .
Speaker 1And so you got to forgive yourself from shortcomings and mistakes , because you're a human being and so we're always going to make some mistakes . We're always , you know , even as an employer . You know we have a staff here and really I'm trying to walk in a greater grace , because if this song isn't right , or that transition's not right , or somebody preached something and that's not what I would say , there's a tendency to be like , well , it's the gospel , get it right . No , it's your bend on the gospel , it's your style , it's your perspective .
Speaker 1And thank God that there's a lot of different diversity in how we express the gospel . And it's the same message , but it's different methods and give people grace to express it out of their wheelhouse . And so not only is there grace to self , there's grace to staff , there's grace to kids , there's give unbelievers that come to your church space and grace to grow Like . They're not going to be like you overnight . Yes , they're going to come in with cleavage showing and they're going to come in cursing . Yes , they coming out of the world . Give them a moment .
Speaker 2You know what ?
Speaker 1I'm saying Don't , don't expect people to be clean before you catch them . And so , anyway , number three would be choose to love yourself because God loves you , amen . You know , sometimes I hear people dumping on that term , kind of like loving yourself . As Christians , we're not supposed to love ourselves , we're supposed to love God .
Speaker 1I don't know . There's some weird people out there and it's just like so what do you want me to ? Not like myself , not love myself ? And how can I love my neighbor as myself if I don't love myself ?
Speaker 1So for me , the love of God works vertically , then it works horizontally , meaning that the great commandment is first love the Lord , thy God , with all heart , soul and mind right . Then love your neighbor like yourself . So it's first vertically , and actually , even before I love God , I think there is a quiet that I have to receive his love , because if I don't receive supernatural love from God , how can I really love him ? So this is vertical . I'm going to receive his love , then I'm going to love him back . I'm going to receive his love , I'm going to love him back . Vertical love , because it's not until I receive his love and love him back will I be able to love others . And I just feel like , if you don't love yourself , I'm not talking about like arrogance and thinking like your stuff don't stink and you can't . No , that's not what I'm talking about . I'm talking about you . You love who you are . You know I'm saying like you're OK with you . You know that you've been forgiven , washed by the blood of the lamb . I don't know Anything , jump out to you .
Speaker 2Yeah , I think
having children for me really gave me a better , just example of God's love for us and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made . And so when I think about my kids , I know they're not perfect , you know , I know they make they do think they just get angry .
Speaker 2They are not like , oh my gosh , but I still love them . They're one like I love to . What do you have to say ? Just talk to me like I want to hear from them . I think they have gifts and talents . I'm not their God , but I'm their mother . That's what it is .
Speaker 1We need to stop expecting people to be perfect . We need to stop expecting pastors to be perfect . We need to stop expecting worship recording artists to be perfect . We need to stop expecting our kids to be perfect , our spouses to be perfect , because human beings aren't perfect . Now I know that we're striving for perfection , which means that we're striving for maturity , not perfection , and I think this word has been tossed around a little bit and people are like well , we can just be perfect . And I'm telling you , there are people who are trying to be perfect and you're driving yourself crazy because you're not going to be perfect , even though you're reaching for maturity .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1And so I think we need to give people space to be imperfect . Anyway , number seven is speak of , speak well of yourself all the time . Don't tear yourself down , but build yourself up on your self-talk . Seems like you've you're doing that better .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know how do you do that .
Speaker 1Give me some practical ways . How do I build myself up Self-talk ?
Speaker 2Well , I was just getting ready to say . The Bible talks about the psalmist that said bless the Lord , oh my soul and all that is within me . I'll bless his holy name . And there's a few other examples too . Like I will praise the Lord at all times .
Speaker 2I mean , I think this is someone who is setting themselves to intentionally bless the Lord , to intentionally praise God , and so I think , intentionally , we have to build ourself up , encourage ourselves , and so I start off in the morning with , before I even get out of the bed bless the Lord , oh my soul and all that is within me . This is the day that the Lord has made . I shall rejoice and be glad in it . I'm just setting the tone and the pace of my day that , no matter what comes my way , as long as God is on the throne , I'm going to rejoice and be glad in it . But it speaks to myself and it helps me to stay encouraged .
Speaker 2I'm training myself and I've been doing it for years now that when I look in the mirror I just tell myself that I look good , that I look beautiful . You know , like , whatever it is , even if I feel like my makeup's not right or whatever , but , girl , you still look good , you still got it together and compliment myself because I don't know . I think the whole world can tell you that you're beautiful , but unless you tell yourself and unless you know you're beautiful , what the whole world says doesn't matter .
Speaker 1Yeah . So for me , you know , the scripture says if you decree something , it's established , and I do believe in making faith declarations Absolutely , or faith confessions . And I do believe in making faith declarations or faith confessions , not confess , like going to a priest and confess your sins . But that word confess comes from a word homologio . Homo , meaning same , logio the word . It's when you say what God says about you and you can make a I am confession , I am fearfully and wonderfully made . I am on top .
Speaker 1I am more than a conqueror . I am the lender , I am not the borrower . I'm beautiful on the inside , I'm beautiful on the outside , and there's something that's powerful about those daily affirmations . Number five is take personal time for yourself , treat yourself good , and I think that we all need a hobby , something that we enjoy doing , something that brings us life , and give ourself permission to spend money on it and also spend time on it .
Speaker 2Yeah , enjoy life Like I'm looking for fun stuff to do all the time .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah . Number six would be strive for perfection without becoming a perfectionist Kind of . Hit that one already but , you know , we want to strive for perfection . We want to grow without becoming a perfectionist , you know . And number seven would be choose to live a life of delight , and this one is , without question , my cherry on the top , because there's no need to go through life and just like everything is such a dread and a fret and a pain .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And I just feel like even the problems , you can delight knowing that God's going to give you the answer , and problems and you've been made for the problem and his grace is sufficient for you . And I mean shoot . The joy of the Lord is our strength , and so if you're in pain and going through a bad season , I mean getting upset about it ain't going to help nothing . I need the joy of the Lord . You know what I'm saying . I need some delight , and so I just believe that those changes in perspective will bring a change in some results .
Speaker 2Absolutely Anything in closing . No , that's good .
Speaker 1All right .
Speaker 2Grace to self .
Speaker 1So our prayer for you is that , from this day forward , you will make some dramatic changes on the inside of you . Not to condemn yourself . Be hard on yourself , feel like you're a nobody , that you're useless , but you'll give grace to self . G-t-s .