There is a supernatural arena that is more real than what you see right now . The old church used to call it a thin place . It meant that the place between here and heaven got real thin and you could feel the tangible presence of God . If you want to get delivered from thoughts , behaviors , choices , people .
Speaker 1This is the environment to do that . It's your move . Are you going to overcome ? Are you going to rise above ? Are you going to pick up your mat ? You won't get stuck here . You won't complete the business . You won't complete this time . God said I got a better day . That's coming , and I'm developing something on the inside of you . There's a greater day ahead , son .
Speaker 2That's how great God is Don't give up until God writes a good ending to your story .
Speaker 1You can look up in the sky and see the goodness of God . We can look at a smile and see the goodness of God . We can worship Him and see the goodness of God . The goodness of God is all around us . You say , well , why is there pain ? Because this is not our home . We're soldiers here , we're just passing through . I don't know what change you're in but they're coming off .
Speaker 2Their chains will be loose . Suppression has to go , sickness and disease have to go , anxiety and fear have to go forever . Everything changes .
Speaker 1I personally feel , especially as a Christian , we shouldn't date to date . I think we should date for marriage Right , meaning that if I know that you're not marriage material , there's no need for us to go out to dinner , there's no need for us to hang out , because now I am drawing you into an emotional relationship with something that I know is not going anywhere . I'm not saying that you have to know that you're going to marry this person , but I feel like you should go into it thinking that this could be the one
. Hey , what's up everybody ?
Speaker 1Welcome to another episode of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We're so pumped to have you here . Of course , we created this podcast for people just like you , so we are so grateful that somehow , someway , you have found this podcast and we get to do life with you , and so we believe we got a good one for you today . On today's podcast , we are calling seven signs that they're not the one . Seven signs they're not the one . And in parentheses , no matter how you might feel , we love doing marriage stuff and we love doing relationship and personal growth stuff , but I also love to speak to single people , because the best time to work on your marriage is before you get married , and so we want to help somebody today . Now , sweetheart , we've been married for 26 years .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1And I know that it's hard for you to even think about another man . It's been like on , you remember , in men . What was that ? Men in Black ? Was that the movie with Will Smith , Men in Black ?
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Okay , remember that little device .
Speaker 2they had to make you forget . Yes .
Speaker 1Being married to me . I know it's made you forget every man .
Speaker 2It has been yeah .
Speaker 1You don't even think that men exist on the planet .
Speaker 2Why would I , when I have you ?
Speaker 1You got me Come on somebody . But I wanted to hear your perspective on a few things , and I know the answer to these , but I feel like some of it will be a setup for where I kind of want to go .
Speaker 2Okay .
Speaker 1But have you ever dated someone before me ? That wasn't the one .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2And how did you know that he wasn't the one ? Did you know that he wasn't the one when you were dating him ? How did I know ? Tons of reasons , probably . I don't know how to answer that . How did I know ?
Speaker 1I probably just no , no , no , first off , did you know ?
Speaker 2Okay , it's like a yes and no . It's like back then . I don't think I knew Okay In the beginning . Let's say , in the beginning I didn't know , because in the beginning I was happy , I liked the relationship , oh , I like this person . But then shortly after , maybe a few months into it , I knew that they weren't , but I didn't do anything about it .
Speaker 1Okay , this is good . So can we unpack that just for a moment ? So what back then ? Cause , I think , your standards . So , since you've known me and you've been saved , so you got saved when we first started dating . So this is anything we talk about before me is your pre-Jesus days . That is a disclaimer that we're adding right now . But what I want to know is what were your standards back then ? Did you even feel like this is the one , or were you waiting for it to be a one ?
Speaker 2I had no standards . Okay , I didn't know , so I didn't know anything about anything , okay . No , I didn't have standards . Okay , I just liked the person , you just liked them .
Speaker 1Yes , okay , so you were just dating to date . Yep , you know . Tell me how you feel about this . I personally feel , especially as a Christian , we shouldn't date to date . I think we should date for marriage Right , meaning that if I know that you're not marriage material , there's no need for us to go out to dinner , there's no need for us to hang out , because now I am drawing you into an emotional relationship with something that I know is not going anywhere . I'm not saying that you have to know that you're going to marry this person , but I feel like you should go into it thinking that this could be the one , this could be marriage material . You agree with that ?
Speaker 2I agree . I think dating is for mature people . I don't think that dating is for kids or people who don't have goals , plans . You know what I mean . Dating leads to marriage and I think mature people marriage is for mature people as well . But if you're not mature , there's no need to be in a relationship , the relationship that we're talking about right now . I was not mature . I didn't have goals , I didn't have plans for a future . I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life .
Speaker 1And you had bad credit .
Speaker 2And I had bad credit .
Speaker 1I always try to tell single people , man , before you say I do , say do I and check their credit report . You got to be careful you said do I ?
Speaker 2and you did not check my report .
Speaker 1And that's why we thank God for podcasts like this , amen , because we can give you answers to the test before the test come . And so we've been high , we've been low , we've been up and down and all around , and that's basically what we want to do . We want to pay forward all of the things that we've learned over not just 26 years of marriage , but over 20 years of ministry . We've seen people do it right , we've seen people do it wrong , and we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two and so hopefully , from our good parts and our bad parts , we can help people kind of avoid some pitfalls . And so , anyway , so you were dating somebody that you said in the beginning that you didn't know that they were the one or not , but then a few months in you could tell they wasn't .
Speaker 1What was that like ?
Speaker 2I think I could tell because they started treating me badly . They called me names , they argued with me , they were controlling , they were unkind . This isn't a person that I would want for a friend . And so I knew , ooh , this person isn't good for me . I kind of knew it , but I didn't do anything about it , because this person said that they loved me . And so I didn't grow up with a father that said he loved me . I didn't grow up with a mother who gave me instruction . And here's a person for the first time in my life says I love you , I care for you , I want to help you in life .
Speaker 1That's weird to me . I'm sorry .
Speaker 2Oh , really yeah , because why is that ?
Speaker 1weird . You said that they was mean to you , Right . So why would you they saying they love you , but they're being mean to you A lot of ?
Speaker 2people do that . A lot of people are in relationships . But he's looking at every woman that comes across that you got to check his cell phone because you don't trust him , that he's not talking to other women . He calls you out of your name . You get into arguments all the time . This is all day , every day , people experience this in relationships . Why are we with these people , when we argue and fight all the time , when they call us out of our name , when they say things that shouldn't be said ? That's what that relationship was like .
Speaker 1So if there's somebody that's watching now and they feel like they're in a relationship and the person doesn't understand their value or their worth , or maybe they , like you said , call them out their name or do something that's mean to them , what would be your advice to them ?
Speaker 2dump them . Listen , I like to watch hallmark movies , right , Because they're just fun , they don't hurt anyone . And one of my favorite hallmark movies is a christmas movie , because I love hallmark christmas movies . Right , there's this older lady and she's in the kitchen cooking food with three younger ladies None of them are married and they're all complaining about their man . And then one of the girls says yeah well , I've been dating my man for three years and he still hasn't asked me to marry him . And the lady says honey , dump them . And I just feel like sometimes you just got dump them .
Speaker 1Oh , that brings up a whole nother question , though , because I feel like it's not easy . It's easier said than done when it comes to dumping people , and I think there's a lot of reasons behind that . I think that sometimes we want something from this person and we date potential , and I don't think it's a good thing to date potential .
Speaker 1Because , what I realize is that a lot of potential will never be realized , you know , and when you're dating , hoping that this person will maybe one day treat me like I deserve to be treated , that's kind of wishful thinking and we just don't see it turn out well a lot of times .
Speaker 2Absolutely , I think , yeah , absolutely yeah .
Speaker 1And so I know that was a long time ago and you've learned a whole lot since then , but I think that this topic today is really important . So we're talking about how to identify if somebody is the
one or not . Why do you think that that's important ?
Speaker 2How to ? Why is it important ? If they're , if they're the one I mean ? You don't want to waste your time . Yeah , you know why . Why waste your time ? Why waste your energy , your emotional energy , on someone who is not the one ? Ain't nobody got time for that ? What are we doing here ? I don't want to put my emotional energy into someone who is childish , someone who is selfish , someone who is wasting my time , not putting God first , like please don't lie to me , just tell me who you are upfront , let me know so I can move on .
Speaker 1You know , the challenge with the dating world is that some people interview well and I've noticed that even in the corporate world like some people are great interviews and then like , after you work with them for a while , you're like man , I shouldn't have made that , we've practiced answering the questions .
Speaker 2We've practiced presenting our resume . Everything looks good , we wear the right clothes , we come in clean , cut and shaking hands and we have the best attitude , the best posture , but what happens 30 days into it ?
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah . What happens 30 days into it ? Yeah , yeah , and so what we have is seven signs that they're not the one , no matter how you feel , and we're just going to kind of go through some of these and we can talk about them and just kind of jump into today's content . Number one All right , are you guys ready for this ? Number one is that they , um , they , they pull , pull you away from God and so faith becomes less important when you're with them . Anything on that ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I think when you meet someone , it's important to see if they put God first , if God is number one in their heart . And so when God is number one , he's number one . It's like there's not a lot that you can do to take me out of my commitment to worshiping God at a Sunday morning service . It's like I plan my life around Sunday morning services . Yes , I go on vacation and things like that , but there's not too much that's going to take me away from it . Nothing's going to take me away from spending time with the word of God . And so I think , when you're going into a relationship , how do they spend their day ? Do they put God first in their time , their treasure , their talent ? How do you spend your money ? Do you invest in the kingdom of God ? All of those things are important for me . That shows me if you're putting God first . And here's the big thing for me , because if you don't put God first , I don't .
Speaker 2Who do you put first ? Who do you worship ? Who do you bow down to ? Do you bow down to your own selfish desires ? Do you bow down to money ? Do you bow down to your employer , your mother , your father , family , other people , your friends ? What people have to say . The internet that's my concern . God needs to be first .
Speaker 1Yeah , one thing I love about our relationship . I feel like we've always kind of spurred each other on into good works . We've always kind of like pushed each other ahead . Even my first line even though it wasn't cool in the setting was , hey , I seen you in church . So when we met , I'm like , hey , my name is Ken , I seen you in church and a lot of you guys know that that was in a nightclub a long time ago . But it's like everything that we've built , we've built kind of like okay , let's go to church together .
Speaker 1Okay , let's try to do right together . Okay , the word says this , but we're not living right now . So , let's try to get it together . I don't think there's ever been a season in my life where I felt like you were pulling me away from God . I've always felt like you're pushing me into God . Do you feel like that about me , with you ?
Speaker 2Right . I feel like there's never been a struggle to do the right thing . It would be like , hey , I want to go to church on Sunday and you'd be like , okay , let's go . Hey , I want to read the Bible , okay , let's do it . There was never a fight with that .
Speaker 1I feel like if you're in a relationship with somebody and it's like the relationship that you have is taken away from your walk with God , that's a definite red flag there it almost reminds me . Here's a Will Smith movie again . What was the movie ? Where he was a superhero and his wife was a superhero and whenever they got together , their powers would- ?
Speaker 2I don't know the name of it , but I know what you mean .
Speaker 1Yeah yeah , yeah , so it was a movie . And whenever they were as closer they got together , they would begin to lose their superpower . And I believe if you're in a relationship where the closer you guys get together , the less you have the power of the Holy Spirit , the less you're more like Jesus , the less you want to do spiritual things . That might be a real , real sign that they're not the one , no matter how you feel . The second one would be a lack of respect . They belittle you , your dreams and your values . Can you talk to that one ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I've definitely been in a relationship like that . And yeah , the lack of respect . People stay in a relationship where there's a lack of respect you kind of hinted to it a little bit ago because they have hope that one day they'll turn around and if God can't change them , they're not going to change , you're not going to do it . And why enter into a relationship when you know that someone is disrespectful ? Here's the thing about disrespectful people , I found , is that when people are disrespectful to you , they really are disrespectful to themselves . They don't respect themselves .
Speaker 2To not let things like that come out of their mouth , not to someone else , to make
yourself feel better and elevated . There is something wrong there . That is a red flag that means they are immature in their relationship with God . Because a mature believer , you want to get in a relationship with a mature believer . A mature believer knows that he knows that he knows that she knows you . Know , he or she , that she's loved by God , that she's important , that she's been called for a purpose , and so I think that's just never be with somebody who's disrespectful .
Speaker 1Yeah , I feel like whatever you do in the micro , they're probably going to do in the macro . So if you're in the dating season and they're disrespecting you and dishonoring you , wait till you get married it's going to be a whole lot worse . I always say that money is a magnifier .
Speaker 1It kind of magnifies what's in you , and so if you give someone who deals drugs more money , they'll be a bigger drug dealer . You give a pastor more money , they might build a bigger church and a bigger orphanage . Because money is a magnifier . I believe that marriage is a magnifier as well . It has an ability to showcase what you're really working with and it magnifies your character or it magnifies your shortcomings . And so if you're having a person belittle you , disrespect you and dishonor you , like in the dating season , marriage is going to magnify that .
Speaker 2That's a red flag . It doesn't matter how you feel , even when it comes to arguing . I think there's a misconception when it comes to like arguing in marriage and even in relationships . If you are not married or just begin dating and you get into a relationship and that person starts cussing , okay , that person
acts out a character , calls you out a name red flag , red flag , red flag . That is an example of when hard time comes . When hard times come , or when , you know , the heat comes on this person and they feel pressured , that's what comes out .
Speaker 1Well , let's be clear , because the opposite is what you're looking for . Pressure comes and you found them on their knees . Pressure comes and they call a fast . Pressure comes and they're going to counseling , and actually pressure is a great indicator of what you know where this person's character is . But I'll give you number three . Number three is poor communication or avoiding hard conversations . And so , of course , seven signs that they're not the one Poor communication or avoiding hard conversations , kind of almost like to where you always have to walk on eggshells . That might not be the one .
Speaker 2That's terrible . You want to be yourself around people right . If , if you can't be yourself around this person and you have to put on a mask , you can't say this . Be careful , you know to do that . Oh , they don't like it when I do this , that you're not able to be yourself , that person doesn't love the real you .
Speaker 1Well , I don't even like , I don't even look at it from that angle , like , um , you can't be yourself , I'm looking at it more from the angle of they have stuff about them that they're hiding .
Speaker 1To me that's a huge red flag , and you got to watch out for the double life , the people that interview . Well , the people that have a facade on and they are presenting themselves in the dating season with chivalry and I'm opening the door and I'm doing all these things , but that's not who they really are . You know , as life goes on , and so you want a person that can be what we call hot , honest , open and transparent . You're looking for someone who can just be a truth teller at all times , even if it makes them look in a bad light . I would rather be honest , I would rather be up front . Look in a bad light , I would rather be honest , I would rather be upfront . I would rather be the real deal , and you have to try to find somebody , especially in marriage , where somebody is going to be real with you .
Speaker 2Right , I mean I said this before , but ain't nobody got time for that . I'm sorry , I do not have time for somebody to be fake . You know , not real with me . Just tell me what you're thinking . Please , don't let me , please don't have me reading your mind here .
Speaker 1You know , for those of you all who've been journeying with us for a while , our hope is that you enjoy our podcast , because even if it ain't right , at least we're going to keep it real . That's one thing that we're going to do .
Speaker 1I don't have time to play games or hide or try to have like a podcast life and then a hidden life , or church life and then a hidden life or anything like that . No man , just be true blue . And I really appreciate relationships in my life where people can let me discern between the good , bad and ugly . But don't try to fake me out , don't try to run an okie doke on me and you have to have good communication skills .
Speaker 2Like don't be upset and then give me the silent treatment that tells me that you are immature and not ready for a relationship .
Speaker 1Well , communication is the lifeblood of the relationship , and if you're dating somebody who's like , well , no , we can't talk about that . Yeah , that happened in my childhood . I don't want to talk about that . Yeah , I was divorced before . Don't bring that up right now . Yeah , I got a few other kids , but don't ask me about that . Yeah , my money is my money , I don't want you to get involved right now .
Speaker 1Dump them . I wish we had like a gong or something where we just like a button we could push and say dump them . I want my team to please develop that for me , just a button that says dump them , all right . So number four is this it would be unequally yoked , and I think that's huge , and so of course , what we're talking about is seven signs . They're not the one , no matter how you feel . And number four is just being unequally yoked , and we've kind of talked about this a little bit when we talked about their fervency for the Lord . But second , corinthians 6 , 14 says be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers .
Speaker 2What's that mean to you ? I think it means two things Number one , a believer dating an unbeliever , and then number two , a believer , a mature believer , dating an immature believer . I think those are both definitions of unequally yoked .
Speaker 1Yeah , to me it's that . Yeah , I mean , how can you say it ? It's a mature Christian dating a baby Christian and hoping that they grow up and maybe they might not ever . Yeah , it's you having a vision for your life and that other person has another vision for their life . You having a call and that person don't even understand the call . It's not just . Don't date unsafe people Like that's a given .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1I really believe . Now , if you're a person who's missionary dating , let us just help you out very quickly .
Speaker 2So what is missionary dating ?
Speaker 1Missionary dating is you're dating somebody hoping to win them to Jesus . You know they're not saved , but you're dating potential . You're hoping that your lifestyle can win them and it's the right thing in the wrong context .
Speaker 2That's so funny because I didn't get saved until I was 20-something yeah .
Speaker 1I was missionary dating .
Speaker 2But I think I would have totally missionary dated because I was ignorant , I didn't know anything . I'd be like oh , he's gonna be a great believer for Jesus .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's not even a jab towards you , because I did that Like when we met . I was a Christian atheist .
Speaker 2You were a missionary dater , I was a missionary dater and I had no clue .
Speaker 1So I believed in God , but I lived like he didn't exist . That's what I defined as a Christian atheist , and so when I met her , I didn't ask if she was saved . I didn't care if she was saved because she was pretty and she smiled and she cooked well and had everything else that I wanted . And there's a lot of believers that have no clue . I had no clue .
Speaker 1I own the Bible that I never read , and that's why people are destroyed for lack of knowledge . People are actually hurt for what they don't know . I was hurt for what I didn't know and so , even though I said that I loved you , I didn't love you enough to lead you to Jesus . I didn't know enough to lead you to Jesus . I didn't know enough to even care . I didn't know that just because you wasn't a good person , you wouldn't be going to heaven automatically . I had all these twisted beliefs that I made up myself , and I think that sometimes , when you're in a relationship with someone who is where I was , you just don't know where that's gonna go .
Speaker 1So the Bible is just clear . It says don't be unequally yoked together . Now , if you're married to somebody and that's where your marriage is right now , well , his grace is sufficient . You can't back out of the marriage . Now .
Speaker 1You said I do , and the Bible talks about how the whole marriage is sanctified by having a believing spouse . But that's under the mercy of God . Mercy is simply him withholding punishment that should come your way . I don't want to live under just the mercy of God . I want to live under the promises of God , meaning that I'm trying to live in his perfect will , not his permissive will . And so I just think it's so important that if the scripture tells us not to be unequally yoked together , like if you are in the dating season right now there should be some standards that you have that line up with scripture . And if someone comes on I'm talking about , he can look good , she can look good , have a great job and look the part , but if they are not on your level spiritually , you got to say I'll wait for God's best for me , that's right , I don't know .
Speaker 1I think it takes just a lot of confidence . It doesn't make sense . It makes faith .
Speaker 2It's trusting God . It's the same thing when you're single than when you're married . Once we're married , we still have to trust God . We have to have faith . Do it now , while you're not married . Trust God .
Speaker 1And I will give you some practical steps on this one Do they read their Bible on their own ? Do they go to church on their own ? Do they serve in the church that they go to on their own ? Do they give ? When I say on their own , I mean without your pushing . Some people are like you're dating and you're trying to push them into . I'm talking about . Do they have a spiritual fervency on their own ? Because if you date somebody that you have to push now , you're going to be pulling them the rest of your life and you're going to want to do spiritual things and ain't cause . Dudes are natural hunters and they know how to chase . I've seen guys come to church , go through the whole process . I'm talking about premarital counseling . I'm talking about getting involved in the church all because they want a
woman and then get the woman , get married and then trip out , you know , a few years into it because the motives he was there for that person , not really for Jesus Dump them .
Speaker 2Dump them , dump them .
Speaker 1Number five would be this Controlling or manipulative behavior . They isolate you from friends and family .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's a big no-no . Yeah , anytime being around someone and they make you feel bad , right , they make you feel like you're being controlled and you're less than that is no . You don't want to live the rest of your life like that .
Speaker 1They are not going to change and even jealous people , or they're just , you know they , they , they have insecurities .
Speaker 2Those are their own insecurities , that they reflect on you .
Speaker 1We should do a whole podcast just on insecurities , because insecure , you know , one of the greatest people who stay in bondage that I see are people who have insecurities and pride , and it's just something about those two strongholds mixed together . Pride protects the insecurity . Yeah , pride protects your insecurity , so you're insecure and you need affirmation from everybody .
Speaker 1Please tell me I'm great , please tell me I'm pretty , please tell me I'm beautiful , please tell me I'm okay , so forth and so on . But then you're too prideful to even humble yourself and get yourself help when you need help or to be mature . Those two things together create some of the greatest strongholds and bondages that I've seen people . People have a hard time getting free when they have both insecurities and pride .
Speaker 2And .
Speaker 1I know people . I can name them . Okay , that person . They could be here in life , but they're here because they have pride and they have insecurity . If you ever see those attributes in a person , red flag .
Speaker 2Right . And I would say also , as a person who has been in a controlling relationship , I think that if you are in a controlling relationship and this isn't just for women , this is for men as well , because women can be controlling and men can be controlling that also speaks something about you . So if I'm in a relationship with you and you are controlling and I allow you to manipulate me , control me and treat me like that , there's something sufficient in me as well , insufficient , insufficient . Yeah , you're right In me , and so that's something that I want to take up with the Lord . And so if you find yourself in a situation you're in a relationship right now and you say , oh , this is me , I'm in a controlling relationship , first of all , dump them . Second of all , get help , ask God , why am I in this relationship ? What is lacking in myself that I am yearning for , in this person ? And you allow God to fill that space . There is counseling . There's professional counseling , christian counseling , there's pastoral counseling that you can get as well . So I just encourage you to do that .
Speaker 1Well , I'll tell you a lot of . It's just you have not built a biblical worldview of your value and your worth .
Speaker 1And if you don't know who you are , if your identity is not found in christ , well then you will fall for anything you settle you settle , you settle , and I just feel like there's a lot of people who settle just because they don't know that they are a royal priesthood , a holy nation , a peculiar people , that you are a virtuous woman of god , you're a mighty man of valor , and so .
Speaker 1So I think one of the things that we really have to do and we're doing this in our church and hopefully we can do it more in the podcast is we got to give people identity that is rooted in Christ , because if you are identified with your race , or you just identify with your socioeconomic status , or you identify with your nationality , you identify with your sexuality , you identify people , identify with all kinds of stuff nowadays . As a believer , I identify first and foremost as Christ , with Christ . So my identity is found in the word of God . I am what he says . I am , regardless of how I feel , and I just feel like if you know who you are , you won't settle for just crumbs .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1You know . And so number six would be no long-term vision alignment . Okay , wildly different goals for marriage , family and calling . To me that's a real sign that they're not the one .
Speaker 2No , I'm sorry .
Speaker 1I said no long-term vision alignment .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , you have to have goals . You have to have a future planned for yourself . You know they say if you plan to , if you fail to plan , you plan to fail . Like what are your goals ? What are you trying to do in life ? That's what a mature person does , at least .
Speaker 1I mean when we were dating . When we first started dating , of course , I didn't really , we were so young , and so we met when I was 19 and you were 22 . So , play , and that's a story for another day . But anyway , after we started dating for a while , you tricked me .
Speaker 2I just want to say that I didn't trick you , I just didn't tell you , you didn't ask , you didn't have standards , I didn't , you didn't have standards .
Speaker 1But you couldn't tell because I was playing it like you know you were so grown yeah . Yeah , there's a lot of I interview well , I interviewed well , but I'm the real deal . I was the real deal . You ain't make no mistakes , girl , you ain't make no mistakes . However , when we first started dating , you were in and out of college , and so you're a little bit older than me and you were in and out of college and I was so young I didn't have clear vision for my life .
Speaker 1I know I wanted to be in business and I was going after a business degree . You were in and out kind of in graphic design and then ended up with a liberal arts degree . And so if you were to ask me at that age , hey , what's your vision , where do you want to go ? I mean , I couldn't imagine in a million years that I'll be like podcasting and be a pastor and do stuff like that Um but I .
Speaker 1But after we were dating for about four or five months , you wanted to go to the military and we were in love , and so my thought was like , okay , well , if you want to go to the military , I'm just going to go along with you . That would have probably been the worst thing ever have happened .
Speaker 1Um , so what was my problem ? I didn't have a vision for my life . So I was , just because I wanted you so much , just gonna piggyback on the vision for your life . That wouldn't have lasted three , four years . There was no way knowing who I am , knowing my personality , my makeup . Was I gonna follow you into the military and it be healthy later ?
Speaker 2on .
Speaker 1And so it was very important . Now , the one thing that we have done and I'll let you jump on that military piece is that we've always somehow made our love for each other more important than our personal goal , and I really feel like if you're dating somebody , you got to come to the place where the love that you have for each other is more important than your personal goals . I'm always interested with the person who lives in LA , but they're dating somebody who's in New York and neither person wants to move .
Speaker 1Well , your city and your job is more important than that relationship . That should be a red flag for you Because really , when you love somebody and you want to build a family with somebody baby , I'll be in LA next year . Baby , come to New York . I'll take care of all of the expenses .
Speaker 2It's just somehow If this is the one bone of my bones , flesh of my flesh . No , we're going to do life together .
Speaker 1I'm going to change everything , so we're going to sacrifice , but we're going to figure it out together . That's the one good thing we had . We didn't have knowledge , we didn't have church , we didn't have mentorship . We didn't have a lot of good stuff , but what we did have was this love that we're going to figure it out as Team Claytor .
Speaker 2Well , that's when we found God together , and so it was when it was before that , though .
Speaker 2No , this was so . I did military training and things like that and I was excited about my career in the military . Then I got saved . We broke up , then I got saved , and so when we got together
, god was in the midst of us . Now we didn't know anything still , but we were trying our best to be God-centered . And that's when we had a very long conversation about where the military was going to take me and what you were doing with your future . You were like pledging a fraternity and doing all this crazy stuff , and we were like that doesn't look like it's good for your future . And I'm like the military doesn't look like it's good for your future . And I'm like the military doesn't look like it's good for my future , and so we quit them both .
Speaker 1You know , by the way , if you're serving in our armed forces . We want to say how much we love you and appreciate you . And thank you so much for your sacrifice for our freedoms , but I just knew for our context and our personality and our calling that wouldn't have worked out .
Speaker 2It was a mistake for me in the first place . Let's say that it's not for everyone . For me it was a mistake , but yeah .
Speaker 1So , anyway , but yeah , you want your visions to line up , you know . But I'll give you the last one . Number seven is this is that your peace is missing . Your peace is missing . You constantly feel anxious or uneasy in this relationship . You know it , we know it . The Holy Spirit knows that . The question is will you allow yourself to be ruled by the peace of God ? And I think it's so important . Here's what I know about marriage , the most important decision that you will ever make in your life after accepting Jesus is who you're going to marry .
Speaker 1Let me say it again the most important decision that you will ever make in your life after accepting Jesus is who are you going to marry ? Now ? Listen , I can line up people that I know that married the wrong person and they lost their calling . They married the wrong person and it took them away from their church and from the things that God was doing in their life . They married the wrong person and they went through so much battle . It is so much better to be single and satisfied than married and miserable man . We might want to tweet that . Do they tweet anymore ? Do we exit ? I don't know .
Speaker 2It's so much better . We know so many people who married later on in life . They stayed single and satisfied until they found the one , the one you know , the one got married in their thirties , got married in their forties , had babies in their 30s .
Speaker 1Let me just clarify when we say the one , I don't feel like you have like a soulmate , like you only got one person . I've seen people be widowed and get married again and find love again . Things happen in life . That's not what we're saying . We're just saying the one in which you decide to take their last name and the two become one . Right , the one that you choose to take their last name and the two become one Right , the one that you choose .
Speaker 2The one you choose .
Speaker 1yeah , but anyway , I was about the peace of God . So to me there's a scripture that talks about how the peace of God is like an umpire .
Speaker 2It calls things in or calls things out . Peace be your umpire .
Speaker 1Colossians 3.15, . I'll give it to you . In the Amplified it says let the peace of Christ , the inner calm In a calm of one who walks daily with him , be the controlling factor in your hearts .
Speaker 1deciding and getting questions , deciding and settling questions that arise , Excuse me , and so the peace of God should be able to call something out or safe If you're in a relationship with somebody and there's no peace or you just know something ain't right , something probably ain't right . Pay attention to the , to the nudge of the Holy Spirit . Pay attention to the just of the Holy Spirit . Pay attention to the just man . Why do I feel anxious ? Why do I feel like this is not right ? And if you have a bunch of peace , like man , I feel good about this , and you feel like you've ran it through mentorship and you feel like it aligns with all of these different things , okay , move by , faith in it . But the peace of God can actually call it out or call it safe . That's right . That's been a great help for me .
Speaker 2And the peace of God that you have , the other person might not have peace . The other person might be like no , this is God . I know this is God . I'm 100% sure that this is God . My pastor said this is God . My mama said you should marry me All of this stuff . It does not matter what anyone else has to say , but you have to know , you have to have the peace of God .
Speaker 1Yeah , you can't let nobody prophesy on your spouse and all that stuff . I think the scripture says when a man find a wife , he finds a good thing . I think it really has more to do with us than it even does with God . I think that God will help us , like he helps us with everything . But I think it's your job . If you want to find a wife , go out and find somebody and God will give you peace on you . Know if you know . But I think that sometimes we let people prophesy and tell us who we're supposed to marry and I just feel like I've seen that stuff go real bad .
Speaker 1I'm not I'm not saying that God's never in it , because I've seen some stuff work out too , but I've seen people be like well , God said , and that person is not interested , you at all .
Speaker 2I've seen people get together and marry people because their friends say , oh , you guys are great for each other . Oh , and they just , they just listen to their friends because they're in the same friend group . Oh , we all hang out together . This is you should marry this person . Yeah , not if you don't have that piece .
Speaker 1Can you , in the comment section or in the chat section , just tell me what are some of your standards when it comes to dating ? What are some of your standards when it comes to dating ? What are you looking for ? Let's just begin to share , because you know we try to do a thing where we're doing life together . We are building an online community . We don't want this to be a monologue . We want it to be a dialogue and , very quickly , just put what are just some of your standards , because I just feel like other people are going to see those and it's going to be interesting to eight and a half . No , no , no , like what is your character standard ? What is your ? You know it can be financial standards , because I do believe those things are important . A lot of the problems that people have in relationships are financial relationships . So what are your standards ? Have you ever thought like this is what I'm believing God for , and if someone comes in subpar ?
Speaker 1there's some grace and I'm like okay , god , but I kind of already got my standard set . It's not like religion and like oh no , but like nah , I'm not settling like that .
Speaker 1And so please share those . But here's some bonus content for you Seven key principles to remember from today . That's why you got to stay to the end . Seven key principles . Number one God will never send you someone who pulls you away
from him . Number two respect is non-negotiable . Number three communication builds trust , avoidance erodes it . Number four shared faith is the strongest foundation . Number five manipulation is not love . Number six future vision matters as much as present chemistry . And number seven peace is God's way of confirming his will , and you can take that to the bank . Anything else you want to share on this topic , sweetheart .
Speaker 2This has been fun , it's been good . Yeah , I pray that people will just kind of , if you are single , just reevaluate your standards , like you said . Reevaluate , did I say that right ? Re-evaluate I can't say it . Re-evaluate your standards , re-evaluate Did I say that right ? Re-evaluate I can't say it .
Speaker 1Re-evaluate your standards .
Speaker 2Re-evaluate . That's funny . I never messed up a word before like that . Anyway , that's funny . But yeah , just kind of talk to God , spend some time with the Lord and if you are in a relationship and you're not married yet , re-evaluate , re-evaluate . Make sure that this is the one . Are you in this relationship because you want to be in it and you feel the peace of God , because they respect you , because they put God first , or are you in it because they want you to be in it , or are you in it because it's cheaper to be roommates or y'all got children together .
Speaker 1Just because you got children together don't mean it's supposed to be holy matrimony and so a lot to talk about , a lot to pray about , but we're out of time for today , and so we hope you guys enjoyed our podcast today . If you're watching on YouTube , please make sure you hit the subscribe button so that you can be the first to grab content when it's released . We release new episodes every Thursday . If you're on Spotify or Apple , do whatever you got to do to make sure that you can be the first to get the content as well . We would love to hear from you . One of the greatest compliments that you could give us is to comment , share , write a review , share this message . I feel like this is a podcast . Other singles need to at least ponder over it , so make sure that you share this with someone who is not married yet .
Speaker 1If you're ever in Florida , come worship with us at Alive Church . You can have more information in our show notes about some of our service times . A great time would be to come to Alive Conference . Alive Conference is coming up this year , november 6th to the 8th . It is an encounter conference . We say this three days could change the next 30 years of your life . We believe there's a word in the house for you If you've never been to Orlando , don't just come for Mickey , come for Jesus , and then you can go and see Mickey as well . All right , just know , we love you , we're here for you , we're praying for you , and until next Thursday we'll see you soon .
Speaker 2Peace .