Why Hurt Turns Into Bitterness

Ken Claytor

Hurt when it's unresolved can turn into bitterness because I think that there are a lot of people who are married and somebody's bitter.

Tabatha Claytor

Bitterness isn't something that just like happens. Like I'm gonna decide to be bitter. Bitterness sets in when we don't resolve issues. There's unforgiveness, offense, and they didn't deal with it.

Ken Claytor

I always say you can get bitter or you can get better, but you can't be both. And bitterness doesn't come from being hurt once. It comes from playing the hurt over and over without healing. And the scary thing is that they are on their way to a place that's harmful.

Tabatha Claytor

Hurt doesn't feel good. And a lot of people have had terrible things happen to them. A lot of people have big reasons to be hurt, but it's still no reason to stay there.

Welcome And Why Healing Matters

Ken Claytor

Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. Pumped to have you with us today. Um, I believe that today is going to bring a lot of healing to those who are hurting. I think that hurt is a big thing in our society today. I think that people are hurt in marriage. They're hurt in relationships, friendships. And we want to give you a level of perspective on hurt today. And so if you're new to our podcast, welcome. Um, we're Ken and Tabitha. We've been married for 26 years. Always jokingly say it's been the best 24 years of my life. You do the math. Um, this is primarily a relationship podcast, but it's not just a relationship podcast, it's also a personal growth podcast because we have a conviction that when you get better, the marriage will get better. And so if you're new here, hit the subscribe button, hit the alert icon on YouTube. Make sure that you like, share, or comment when it gets good, because we want to build a community with a level of going back and forth. And so we love you guys. Today's episode is for people who've been hurt by leaders, hurt by friends, family, hurt by betrayal, hurt by disappointment, hurt by a spouse, hurt by life itself. And if I'm honest, hurt is unavoidable. But being bitter is not. We gotta, we gotta come to the place where we don't let that turn into bitterness. So, how to handle hurt without becoming bitter.

Defining Hurt And Real Examples

Ken Claytor

Sweetheart, when you hear the word hurt, um, what does it mean to you? How would you define hurt?

Tabatha Claytor

Well, I would say it definitely means that I have unmet expectations, I have failed expectations. Um, I think hurt would be like, you know, I expected you to not hurt me, you know, or I expected you to do one thing, but you did another thing, and now I feel like I I I don't know. How would you describe hurt?

Ken Claytor

Um hurt to me is like something happened in a relationship that caused you to kind of move back. Um, hurt is almost like somebody did something to you that you didn't want them to do to you, but and now you're starting to sour because of it. I don't know. I mean, I'm just trying to define what what I what I think it is without getting super technical. Um I think it's better to I I can give you instances where I felt hurt before. Yeah. I felt hurt before when I've had a mentor or someone who is a leader figure in my life that didn't show up for me in my time of need. Like I thought that they would. Yeah. I felt hurt. I felt hurt before in our marriage relationship um years ago when you broke up with me before we were married. I felt hurt because of that. Um, I felt hurt before by the betrayal of people. And usually the people that you let closest to you are the people who are most have the most angle to hurt you. Yeah. So I've had people that I've either given a job for, um, given them money, done a whole lot of stuff for, and then they just betrayed me. I felt hurt because of that. I felt hurt before, been tempted with hurt from people who have abandoned the relationship. You know how you have people and you're like, okay, this is gonna be my ride of die. We're gonna build this together for 20 years. Yeah. And then in two months they're gone and act like, you know, that you never had anything of value. So I I can better, I can better almost exemplify what comes to mind with you.

Tabatha Claytor

As you're saying it, I'm hearing hurt as almost like an emotional wound. You know, like if you fall down and skin your knee or you break your arm, these are wounds to your body and it hurts. It's painful, you know, but these are emotional wounds that you've been wounded. It could have been an accident or intentional, but you've been, you know, wounded.

Ken Claytor

Have you ever been hurt before? What give me some examples for you?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, I'm trying not to go back to my past, but that's me, you know, whatever. So, and you know, my hurt started with childhood. I remember like a the first time I ever felt hurt was when I lost my dad. My dad died when I was six years old. I remember him being in a casket. And my mom was crying, and I felt hurt. I felt like this tremendous sadness and like I felt wounded, but I didn't know what to do with it. I'm like, I don't know. Like my daddy's not here. What do I do? And so it was that was a deep, a deep, deep wound.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Um, I felt hurt when um, you know, maybe high school years where I looked at a teacher to maybe help me. You know, maybe I was being picked on, I was being bullied, I turned to the teacher. The teacher doesn't care. The teacher's on the side, the other side, and they weren't there to protect me. That was hurt. Um, I felt hurt in our relationship, you know, um, even now. Let's bring it up to now. And it's like, okay, I could, um, I can't think of an instance right now, but I know that there are times where I feel hurt by you. Not that you tried to hurt me, not that I wanted to feel hurt by you, but you could have just said something in a way that wounded me. And I'm like, okay, I didn't like that. It hurt.

Ken Claytor

Okay. Um, so it almost sounds like being hurt is just a part of life. So if it's a part of life, is it okay

Responding Instead Of Reacting

Ken Claytor

that we're hurt? Or when does it become a problem?

Tabatha Claytor

I think that um it's okay in the way that you're not sinning. You know, when you initially get hurt, it's it's not a sin, you know, like it's not like, oh my gosh, you know, like you're a sinner. There's something wrong with you because you're hurt. That's not the lifestyle of the believer. You know, that that that's not what it is. So, no, um, it's okay that you're hurt. I think what makes it right or wrong is how you deal with it. There is a Christian response, meaning there's a biblical response and then there's an unbiblical response.

Ken Claytor

Give me give me some examples of what would be the right way to deal with hurt.

Tabatha Claytor

The right way is acknowledging it's responding, not reacting. Right. You react and I'm hurt. And so now if you said something to hurt me, now I'm gonna say something to hurt you back.

unknown

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

That's the wrong way, reacting the wrong way. You want to respond and acknowledge, oh man, I think I'm hurt.

Ken Claytor

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

That hurt me.

Church Hurt And Staying In Community

Ken Claytor

Right. Okay, so that you know, I I kind of feel like there is an epidemic might be a strong word. I feel like there is a rise in like church hurt or in people using that that term. And I think it's just a bad term because it's just people hurt. You know, and people are gonna hurt you. Yeah. Like every single relationship that you have, there's gonna be hurt. Like, so it's not like if you're if you hurt me, I'm now looking for another marriage. Or if my parents say something that's hurtful to me, now I'm looking for new parents. Or my kids, they've done things in it themselves growing up. And it's like that hurt me, but it's not like I'm looking for another kid. Why in the world do you get hurt in church? And then it's time for you to find another church all the time. That means that you're never gonna have a church because you're always gonna get hurt because hurt is just a part of life. And so I first want to say, do you see that happening? If so, what's your perspective on that? Because I feel like it's a catalyst, because we really need to help people. Embrace the fact that if you're gonna be a part of the community of God and the house of God, when you get hurt, it doesn't mean it's time for you to run. I actually think you can lean into that. And when you lean into that, you grow something in a part of your character that you need. I have been hurt in church. As a pastor, I still get hurt all the time. I just don't stay hurt. Right. And I don't allow it to turn into bitterness. I actually allow myself to overcome evil with good, turn the other cheek, love the unlovely, and grow a character of Christ that would not have been formed if I had not leaned into the hurt. Too many people is running from hurt.

Tabatha Claytor

I think that people who are using church hurt as you have to clarify that hurt is a part of life. So if you're a part of the church, you're gonna get hurt in the church. Okay. That's a part of life. That's not exclusive. We heal and we overcome.

Ken Claytor

Things, some things that happen.

Tabatha Claytor

If you're gonna be in the workplace, you're gonna get hurt in the workplace. And you're gonna have to overcome that and you're gonna have to deal with it. With every relationship that you have, in every group, in every friend group, in every work relationship group, there's going to be a level of hurt that you experience, right? So you're gonna have to deal with it. If not, you're gonna never have stability in life. You're never gonna grow stronger in life. You're not gonna have lifelong relationships because you're gonna end it at the first hurt. So that's just life. We get we we have to learn how to deal with it godly. But the the problem is that there are hurts that um are not normal parts of life and should not be the normal part of life where you become the victim, where there are churches, or unfortunately, you know, we've all heard of the churches. I don't think there's as many as what we what people act like that um where there are pastors who are abusive. There are people who will prop-li and tell lies. And those that is true.

Ken Claytor

Um But let me add to to every one um person that does that, every one church, one pastor that's being elevated in the news, there's a thousand who live pure and live holy and give their life for the gospel. Maybe even 10,000. Yes. Maybe even one per 100,000. Right. It's amazing the amount of fear that the enemy is able to kind of put into culture because of the mishaps of a few popular people.

Tabatha Claytor

I think you have to put it into perspective when you look at other things. And so we've been, you know, I've had several doctors in my life. And there have been some doctors that, like, I'm not gonna go to them anymore, but you know, whatever. I had a doctor, can I say I'm just saying, I had a doctor one time. We had just um moved to the area and I needed a a new doctor. So I go to this doctor, right? And um I was having some women's problems, right? And so I go to the doctor and I say, I have this going on, that going on. I'm not sure, you know. So I'm like, tell me what's going on so I can get this fixed, right? We don't want to have those issues, right, ladies? And so she gives me this pill and she's, you know, says, come back in 10 days, whatever. So I leave, I'm taking the pill, I'm listening to her, you know, it made sense. So I did it. I go back in 10 days and she says, Well, you don't have an STD because my problem didn't go away. I still have the same issue. She gave me the pill to cure an STD. And then after I took the pill and it didn't work, she says, Well, that you don't have an STD, check that off the list. I was enraged. Okay. I was because it's just like, okay, you're not my doctor anymore. We could, I could have told you I don't have an STD. You know what I mean? I'm I'm in a relationship for the last 20 years. What's wrong? You know, anyway, that did not stop me from finding another doctor and going and finding a doctor that I trust and going along. I've had terrible dentists, I had terrible um uh work relationships, uh, grocery stores, going out to restaurants. Lord knows we have terrible experiences in restaurants, but it does not stop us from going out to eat again.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Right? We keep going back to the restaurants.

Tabatha Claytor

We keep going.

Ken Claytor

We can't find another.

Tabatha Claytor

Um we have to normalize this in church. Like you don't change your church because somebody says something that you don't like. You you

When Hurt Becomes Bitterness In Marriage

Tabatha Claytor

work it out.

Ken Claytor

So let me just share with you where I am right now. I am in a space in life where I'm actually, I've made up my mind that I'm okay being hurt because that goes along with me loving and serving people. It's not like I'm saying, God, just send me people that's just gonna mess up my sleep and mess up my life. But I'm saying, God, if it's your will that you send me people that are um messy for me to deal with and I get hurt in it, as long as it's in your will and you're with me and your grace is sufficient for me, right? Game on. And I hope to be able to get people to, now that's a high level of maturity. It's where um if you slap me, I'm turning the other cheek. Like I'm literally saying that I know that ministry comes with that. So I'm not gonna run for that. I'm actually gonna embrace that and say that God, as long as you're with me and all hurts, I'm gonna overcome and also come out more anointed and Christ will be more fully formed in me.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Ken Claytor

So now I'm not on the run. I'm actually embracing that and saying, okay, well, cool, let's go.

Tabatha Claytor

That's right. Because hurt is one of those things that when you carry that hurt, it's not hurting anyone else around you.

Ken Claytor

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

It's affecting you. It will affect your life, your anointing, your call, your success, your prosperity.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Well, let's now move it because I think then hurt, when it's unresolved, can turn into bitterness. And let's talk about bitterness because I think that there are a lot of people who are married and they are in a marriage and somebody's bitter. Um can you just talk to me about like bitterness in marriage? What does it do? What does it look like? How do how do we overcome? How do we come out of that? Do is that something that you see a lot where people are just like they're bitter towards their husband, they're just bitter towards their wife?

Tabatha Claytor

I think bitterness isn't something that just like happens. Like, I'm gonna decide to be bitter. Bitterness sets in when we don't resolve issues. So, yes, there's unforgiveness, offense, offense, um, and people have been hurt and they didn't deal with it. Okay. Meaning that, like, if if if I if you there's something that I have a problem with you about, you hurt me and I just say, and I don't deal with it, right? I don't recognize it myself, number one, and then I don't even bring it to you, or I bring it to you, and I maybe I brought it to you the wrong way. You hurt me. You're wrong, and da-da-da-da-da. Like, that's probably you're probably not even gonna receive it like that. That's just an art, that's just an argument that's inevitable, inevitable, right? So it has not been dealt with, it has not been submitted to God, and now it's turned into bitterness.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Well, I always say you can get bitter or you can get better, but you can't be both.

Tabatha Claytor

Right.

Ken Claytor

And my hope is for those of you all who are watching and listening, is that you're gonna say, okay, there's a level of bitterness in me, but I'm gonna renounce that and be healed from it so I can be better. Because you're either gonna get bitter or get better, but you can't be both. And bitterness doesn't come, like you said, from being hurt once. It comes from playing the hurt over and over without healing. And the scary thing is this is that bitter people usually think they're just being honest. This is just where I am right now. But the truth is, is that they are on their way to a place that's harmful. And so when it goes unresolved, it can turn into resentment, hurt unresolved. Because resent cynicism is huge. Cynicism is it's almost like a spirit of cynicism on in our day, this lack of trust, these conspiracy theories. People just want my money, they just want to come. And you know, just as a side note, I uh uh I see people saying that there's certain people that just want their money. It's usually the people who have a money problem.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

If you ever say anything like that, like a pastor wants your money, the church wants your money, it's probably because you have the wrong relationship with money. I submit that humbly, but I submit it honestly, and it's true. Yeah. The people who say that they have a problem with tithing and giving, they have a money problem. Because people who don't have a money problem, we love to worship God in that way. And we're not cynical. We don't think that everybody's out to get something from me. Um, hardness, if you if you don't, if you don't deal with the hurt, it turns into hardness of heart, negativity, withdrawal, anger, suspicion, bitterness is hurt that's never been healed.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah, yeah. And so and I I do want to say um we are not dismissing the fact that you know that you've been hurt. Yeah, hurt doesn't feel good.

Ken Claytor

No, you know, and it doesn't ever feel good.

Tabatha Claytor

And a lot of people have had terrible things happen to them. You know, a lot of people have big reasons to be hurt, but it's still no reason to stay there. Yeah, like just like in the body, when we get hurt or we get a physical wound, God put it in our body to heal. Like our bodies will heal itself. We're fearfully and wonderfully created by God. And our emotions have also been given to us by God. God has emotions. Yeah, we can make God angry or we can make him happy. We can make it, you know, like so. These emotions, I think that it's our job to heal our emotions.

Scriptures On Bitterness And Forgiveness

Ken Claytor

Yeah, it's very important. Hebrews 12, 15 says, See to it that no root of bitterness grows up to cause trouble and defile many. And that's what I look at bitterness. It's like a root in the heart or in the soul. It grows up and it defiles many.

Tabatha Claytor

It's it's a weed.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. So it says that, you know, bitterness grows, it spreads, it defiles. Um, Ephesians 4 and 31, it says, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger. So it's not something that you can just tolerate, like I got a little bitterness and it's okay. Bitterness is not okay. The scripture says to get rid of it. Yeah. God doesn't just tell us to manage bitterness, he tells us to remove it. Uh, Colossians 3:13, it says, forgive as the Lord has forgave you. And so forgiveness is really huge in the life of believers because we've been forgiven by God of all of our sins.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And so I think I love what you said. We are not trying to act like that what people have done to you is okay. It's not okay. But what's your response going to be? Right. Okay. And so the your ability to forgive people, to release them from a wrong. You don't owe me anything, you don't owe me an apology. I forgive you because I've been forgiven is a huge key to overcoming hurt and bitterness. You know?

Tabatha Claytor

And you know, I we both know people. And I think everyone watching knows people who are bitter. And some people, it's like they're bitter, and everyone around knows that they're just bitter, sour all the time, you know. And then, but then there's some people who they know they're bitter and they wish that they weren't like that. They wish, like, oh man, I wish I could be happy. I wish I could smile. I wish I could just be free, but that bitterness has them bound. And I just want to say that you can be free from bitterness. Yeah. I think that there are people listening to this that your whole life could change. Yeah. Your whole personality. It's like you would be a new person because you let go of bitter bitterness and you've been free from bitterness. It'll change everything.

Ken Claytor

Can you speak to those people? How how do they do that? Like I like like what you just said, there's a person who's just like, that's just who they are. They actually they they have built their personality around bitterness. And we know them because they're negative towards everything. They're a fault finder, they're here to tear down, not build up. Let's put them to the side. I, you know, I can't even deal with them right now. But there are people who want out of it. How? How do they get out

How To Break The Root

Ken Claytor

of this?

Tabatha Claytor

I think that you know why you're in it.

Ken Claytor

Uh-huh.

Tabatha Claytor

And if not, I pray in Jesus' name that the Lord would show you right now, that they would show you right now what is the root to that bitterness. There is a root and you know when it started. Some of you it started as children, some of you it started um in your marriage, some of it started as a teenage and in a teenager in puberty, but you know the root. And so you go to that root and you speak to that root, you break that root, you forgive everyone that you need to forgive, including yourself. And then you renew your mind with the word of God. Renew your mind. I have joy, the spit, the oil of joy for mourning. Is that the scripture? I think I'm mixing them up. Um and I have joy for the spirit of heaviness, the spirit of heaviness and the spirit of joy that you would go ahead. That you would confess the word of God and renew your mind with the word of God, it will change your whole personality.

Ken Claytor

So good. Um, so you have the people who are just bitter. Okay. Those are the people there, and really I think bitterness, like like sometimes when I see and I hear the voice of the people who are the fault-finding people, the people that are attacking preachers and churches and other people. Um, if you really listen to it, there's a level of jadedness there. These churches, these pastors. There's a level of jadedness, it's bitterness. Okay, let's put them to the side because many people have they've built their whole ministry personality and game plan around that. Then you got the people that you just talked to that's like their bitterness, and they know they're bitter and they don't want it. We're gonna help you get free by the end. But then there are some people who they're bitter but they don't even know it. So I I just want to take a moment and just tell me what are some like attributes or elements to know if I'm if I have bitterness? What what does that look like? How can I identify that?

Signs You Might Be Bitter

Tabatha Claytor

Do you have a negative perspective?

Ken Claytor

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

Are you always questioning people? If somebody says a miracle, you know, God healed me, do you believe it or do you question it? You always question when somebody has something good to say. That's bitterness. Bitterness is like, you know, you you don't believe, you you you stop believing in the goodness in the world, and you're seeing through things through a tainted lens now, a filter. And it's almost like what is it, misery loves company. You want to bring everything. Everybody into that state of bitterness that you're in, so that you, you know, they can be there with you. Um, but it's time to break free.

Ken Claytor

I I just saw in the spirit that there are some atheists that are atheists today because of bitterness. They prayed and um some a family member died, and they concluded that there was no God, but the the motivation to that conclusion was bitterness. And there are people right now that hate Jesus because of bitterness, the Bible because of bitterness, the church because of bitterness. And I think we got to go and we gotta uproot the root of bitterness because it's gonna define.

Tabatha Claytor

And they didn't know how to deal with it, turned into bitterness.

Ken Claytor

Turned into bitterness.

Tabatha Claytor

Bitterness like that weed will come up in every area of your life and overtake you.

Ken Claytor

So you might be bitter if you keep replaying the hurt over and over again. If you assume the worst about people, okay. If you're emotionally guarded, you might have bitterness. If you struggle to trust people, you might have bitterness. If you feel justified in being harsh towards people, you might have a bitter root. If you're critical instead of compassionate, you might have bitterness. If you isolate yourself, you might have if you talk about the hurt often, um, you might have bitterness. If you feel numb, like you're just going through life, you don't have any emotions, you might have bitterness. And if you feel tired all the time, there might be a bitter root. Okay. And so some of those are some of the things that come to mind. And if I was to get like real practical, I would say um in marriage, bitterness looks like old wounds keep coming up in new arguments. In church, you say you love God, but you avoid community and accountability. In leadership, you stop serving because you were overlooked one time. Think about it. We know people like that.

Tabatha Claytor

They Hey, that was a test. Pass the test, okay? Don't fail the test. You want promotion. There's going to be a test. Pass the test.

Ken Claytor

Right,

Eight Practical Steps To Heal

Ken Claytor

right, right. And so here's 10 practical steps to handle the hurt the right way. And then I want to maybe pray over you. Um, number one is acknowledge the hurt. Don't minimize it. Okay. Acknowledge it, don't minimize it. Number two is fill it without feeding it. Don't suppress the hurt. Don't, don't, uh, don't rehearse it. Okay. Number three is take it to God first. Prayer before processing, even with people. Take it to God before you go to counseling. Take it to God before you go to therapy. I mean, go to counseling, go to therapy, but take it to God first. Number four is forgive. Even if there's no apology, forgiveness is release. It's not approval. I don't forgive you because I agree with you. I forgive you because I've been forgiven and it's my choice to do. Number five, talk it out the right way. I'm actually gonna have eight of these. Choose safe people, not everybody. Okay. Number six, refuse the victim mindset. You were hurt, but you're not helpless. Okay. The victim mentality is a mentality that will hinder your victory. You can't be a victim and be a victor all at the same time. Number seven, don't let one moment define your future. Hurt is an event, it's not an identity. There's too many people that have now created this as their identity. I'm hurt.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

You know, and number eight is replace bitterness with gratitude because gratitude starves bitterness. Let me say it again. Gratitude starves bitterness. And I'm just gonna give you eight today because eight is the number of new beginnings. And I believe that there are some of you all that it's time to uproot that bitterness in new beginnings. Sweetheart, anything else you want to share a pray over the people?

Prayer And Daily Declarations

Tabatha Claytor

Um, yeah, I would just, I mean, I'd love to pray. Yeah. And and and and especially if if we're speaking to you today, just come into agreement with this prayer. In the name of Jesus, I just release a spirit of forgiveness upon everyone listening right now in Jesus' name, Lord, that they are able to forgive the person who has hurt them. That they are able to release bitterness, to release the hurt in the name of Jesus. And Lord, I pray that you would fill them with your love, fill them with peace. I thank you that your grace is sufficient for them. And I pray, Lord, that they are switching over from a victim mentality to a victor mentality, that they are victorious over the hurt in their life. They are victorious over the weed of bitterness that has been trying to hold them down to the ground. But we break every weed of offense, every weed of hurt, and every weed of bitterness in the name of Jesus. And I declare over everyone that they are free in the name of Jesus.

Ken Claytor

Amen. Amen. Um, so I want you to begin to say this quite often, every day if you got to. Um, listen, you're not a machine, so you can still feel what people do and what people say. But I want you to now confess that even though people I might be tempted to hurt, I am not a hurt person. I am no longer hurt. I'm not carrying those hurts. I'm not a bitterness. There's no root of bitterness in me. And I want you to declare that over yourself every single day. Hey, we love you guys. We're out of time for today. I hope you enjoyed today's podcast.

Closing And How To Connect

Ken Claytor

If you did, make sure you let us know. You can comment right now. Make sure that you share. Caring is sharing, and sharing is caring. Also, you can email us if you have any questions. If you have any testimonies, we would love to hear it. And of course, if you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button right now if you're on YouTube, if you're listening via Apple or Spotify, um, however, you get the downloads right away. We release a new podcast every Thursday at 3 p.m. You can go over to our website. We've just released some new books and some new masterclasses. We have a premarital course that I think will be a blessing to you. And also, we would love to invite you to come out to a live conference. It happens every first week of November and it's coming up soon. Tickets are going fast. It's going to be an encounter conference. I believe this three days could change the next 30 years of your life. And we hope to see you there. Until next Thursday, we love you. We're praying for you. We'll see you soon. Peace.