Tough Love Opening

Ken Claytor

I want to say this with humility, but also authority. It's time to grow up. Some of you all, you just need to grow up. Marriage is not for immature people.

Tabatha Claytor

Whatever problems you have, just squash it. Nobody cares. Like, just let's leave it alone. There's big things and there's trauma and we have to go to counseling. And you know, we gotta really overcome some things, but then there's a lot of things that are just dumb. Like, let's just get over it.

Ken Claytor

If you want your marriage, you gotta go after it. You're gonna have to sell out for it, and you're gonna have to believe God. You can't manipulate her or change her because only God can. And you speak life over her. And even if she doesn't become what you want her to become, can you love her where she is right now?

What “Bad Marriage” Really Means

Ken Claytor

Hey, what's up, everybody? Hey, everyone. Welcome to another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. Today's topic is so you're in a bad marriage now. What? Biblical steps that actually help. We want to help you today. We're Ken and Tabitha. We've been married for 26 years. All right. It's about to be 27. And it has been the best 24 years of our lives. The first two years was not very good at all. I had a plan to divorce her. She had a plan to, I don't know.

Tabatha Claytor

I had a plan to not get divorced, okay? And my plan won.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But um, our marriage was really, really bad, and now it's a whole lot better. And the reason that we have the podcast is to help people like you. So, however, you heard about us, if somebody forward this to you, hopefully we can make bad marriages good, good marriages great, great marriages out of this world. We're excited about our episode today because this is our specialty. You know, today's episode is for anybody who feels stuck, you know, not divorced, not separated, still married. But if they were honest, they would say, This isn't what I hoped for. We're struggling, we're unhappy, we're disconnected. Yeah, we fight all the time, we don't talk at all. I don't even know what to do next. And so, right up front, I would say being bad, um, being in a bad season doesn't make your marriage bad forever. And wanting help doesn't mean that you failed. You're in the right place today. And so you're in a bad marriage now. Now what what comes to your mind with when we talk about a bad marriage?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, all kinds of things. I mean, not being happy. I mean, it could be there's one to ten scale, you know, bad being like the worst, like man, y'all are fighting and you need to get out. You know, I mean, somebody needs help. You, you know, it's terrible. But then I think most people are in the middle and toward that one, two, three where it's like, I'm just not really happy. My marriage could be better. You know, I wish we were more intimate. I wish we had more sex. I wish we were best friends, I wish we went on date night. I wish we could agree, you know, on one thing, you know. I wish we didn't fight so much.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

I think most marriages, when they say it's bad, or they're there.

Ken Claytor

Now listen, you want to hang out with us all the way to the end today because we're going to give you some really, really practical next steps at the end. Take a moment to subscribe if you're new to our channel. But more importantly, just put some questions in the comments. I actually have a couple questions that came in here that I kind of want to jump to today at some point and just answer some like real life questions. And so one of the things we want to do in our podcast here and there is to really hear your questions and be able to answer them at some point. So we're going to try to create a rhythm of that. But whatever question you have, put them in the comment. Let us know what you're dealing with. We want to be able to speak into it. All right. And so when someone says, I'm in a bad marriage, okay, um, it can mean a bunch of different things. What do you take it to mean?

Tabatha Claytor

When I hear somebody say I'm in a bad marriage, I think several different thoughts. Okay. Um, number one, I mean, I understand what they're saying, but I think of, you know, why is it? Is it because you don't understand certain things? Are you the problem? You know, or I and I think every bad marriage, I think it can take one person in the marriage. It doesn't have to be both both people at first. I think one person can say, hey, I'm in a bad marriage, I don't know what I'm doing. And go, you go and you seek and get the tools and figure out how to work these tools to make your marriage great, and it can be.

Ken Claytor

Right. When our marriage was bad, um, it was bad because we didn't have certain tools and we have missing knowledge. There's a scripture in Hosea that says, My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge. And many people, their marriage is being destroyed for what they don't know. They just don't know how to communicate. They just don't know how to talk about the problems, they just don't know how to get on the same page. And instead of two walking in agreement, um, two are butting heads. And so a bad marriage can be defined many different ways depending upon what you're in. You know, if you're in an adulterous relationship or there's abuse in the relationship, or there's been abandonment, those are three A's that I would say, well, you might have a biblical out. I always suggest counseling. If you're saying, hey, this is too much, um, there's been adultery, abuse, abandonment, okay, go get pastoral counseling, go get professional counseling before you start. And so let's put those things to the side and let's just talk about unreconcilable differences. Now, the divorce rate right now is about 50%, but there is a greater percentage of people that are in hopeless marriages, unhappy marriages, marriages that are stuck. I think we did a podcast about an okay marriage. We don't want you guys to have okay relationships. We want you to have God's best. And I think that's why you're listening. And I know that there are a lot of people that listen to our podcasts, their marriages are great. But the whole thing is, can we get greater? Can can we can we do better?

Tabatha Claytor

Can we maintain that greatness?

Ken Claytor

Can we maintain that greatness? And I believe that this hopefully will help today. And so, do you think most people, when it comes to challenge they have in their marriage, do you feel like they wait too long to get help?

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Why do you think that is?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, probably because you think, oh, it's gonna blow over, oh, we're okay. Or, you know, it's it's easy to just make excuses and like we're busy in life. You know, you might have kids, you have a demanding job, you volunteer in ministry, you do all of these things, and it's just like, uh, you know, we'll get to that.

Ken Claytor

Do you do you have you seen that that works? Like waiting? Nope. Yeah, I I know of people who right now they're on the brink of divorce after five years. And it's like, man, why didn't you come to try to get help in like month five? Why you gotta wait till year five and and and divorce papers are being filed? But unfortunately, that's like the wake-up call for many people, and that doesn't need to be. You gotta be self-aware right now to on a scale of one to ten, rank your marriage. Ten being great, perfect out of this world, and one being absolutely horrible. And wherever you rank, okay, how can you move up? Here's the key don't try to change your spouse because you can only change you. Yes. And I think there are many people that are in a bad marriage and they blame and they project the problem in the marriage on the spouse. And honestly, some of that might be true, but you're not going to be able to change them because only God can change them. You can only change yourself. Yes. And when we had a bad marriage, I feel like you did that. You did a lot of changing you, which ultimately changed our relationship.

Tabatha Claytor

But if you could speak to that, yeah, I think you know, marriages for mature people. We say that all the time, but it's true. Like sometimes we just have to grow up. Right. We got to put on our big girl pants. You got to put on your big boy pants. You know, we want to be the man, we want to be the woman, we want to be the king, we want to be the queen, but nobody wants to serve. Kings serve. Queens serve. Okay. We we submit to one another. We lay down, you know, like somebody has to do that. And so if you're gonna be the king or the queen, you gotta start serving.

Ken Claytor

Well, I just feel this, and I want to say this with humility, but also authority. It's time to grow up.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Some of you all, you just need to grow up. Marriage is not for immature people.

Tabatha Claytor

And and I say that sometimes, you know, you have to grow up because, you know, a lot, uh, and and I'm saying this from experience. I know people in bad relationships is because they don't want to grow up. They want to stay, you know, doing what they're doing.

Ken Claytor

Well, they're vindictive, they're envious, they're jealous, they are short, they nag, they're hard to live with, they shut down, they weaponize sex, they're unforgiving. You just got to grow the heck up. I mean, for real.

Tabatha Claytor

Whatever problems you have, just squash it. Nobody cares.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

You know, like nobody cares. Like, just let's leave it alone, deal with it. Because there's some things, I mean, it's okay. You know, like sometimes there's big things and there's trauma and we have to go to counseling, and you know, we got to really overcome some things, but then there's a lot of things that are just dumb.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Like, let's just get over

Divorce Off The Table

Tabatha Claytor

it.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Well, here's a few things that I would really encourage. Number one is that you got to take divorce off the table. If you're a person who threatens divorce, always talking about you leave and you're not coming back, you made a mistake, you are killing the marriage from the inside out. So you got to come to the place like what God has brought together, let no man put asunder. Divorce is not an option. That means we need to look each other in the eyes. Yep. And we're gonna have to work this out.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

Ken Claytor

Um, that's a big one.

SPEAKER_01

That's a big one.

Ken Claytor

That's a big one. Divorce is not, so you gotta, God hates divorce. He doesn't hate divorced people, but he hates the institution of divorce. Marriage is God's idea. Um, number two, we got to get God's help in this because uh marriage is ministry. So there are spiritual warfare when it goes to ministry, and the devil hates the family and he hates the marriage because your marriage is the one example of how much Christ loved the church. Yeah. So I'm to love you like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. So that means that the marriage should be a trophy that God can hold in his hands to show the world how much Jesus loves the church. Satan hates that. He hates the institution of marriage. And so you have to grow spiritually. I mean, I know that there are people who are married and they're not saved. They don't believe in God. I don't know how they do it because this is a spiritual institution by God. And maybe it's just the whole thing like maybe the devil don't hate unsaved marriages as much as he hates saved people's marriages because he knows that when we come together, we're gonna glorify Jesus.

Tabatha Claytor

Well, the enemy isn't attacking people who is on his own team. Do you know what I mean? Why would he attack you? You're not saved, you're on his team. You know what I mean?

Ken Claytor

He's gonna give you money, he's gonna give you success, he's gonna give you, and you're gonna go to hell. Right. So it's like, let's leave them alone and let's fatten their pockets a little bit. That's crazy to me. And so I feel like sometimes, though, people just wait too long. Let's go back to the point for help. I think sometimes it's pride. Um, I know we've been ministering to a couple and they were in our hemisphere, but they the husband was doing things like, don't say nothing. Don't say nothing about what's going on. I think there's pride, there's embarrassment. But I think the best thing that if your marriage is struggling, you can do is tell on yourself. You don't have to tell the world, you don't have to post it. There should be two or three people that you have both agreed that you'll be accountable to.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And I want you to call my pastor. I want you to call my overseers. If I start tripping and you feel like I got another chick on the side and I start doing stuff that's ungodly, you owe it to me to call me on the carpet by calling one of my overseers. Right. And I feel like I want to um like liberate husbands and wives to be able to do that. Because if the man is like, well, we don't want to do our business in the street, well, this stuff, this ain't the street, homie. And for for one thing, number two, you just don't want to be accountable to anything.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Ken Claytor

You need people. If you're a man of God, which I believe you are, and a woman of God, you need other people of God to speak into the most challenging seasons of your life. That's how you get out.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah. And I think even to have a person, let's say you, yes, you want somebody to tell on. Like if you were doing something, I need to be able to tell on you. Not in a bad way, but because we need to raise my hand. But also tell on yourself. Right. You know what I mean? You should have someone in your life that you can go to and say, hey, before it gets anywhere, because every sin thought starts with a thought.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah. It's something that you're wrestling. It's something that takes seed in your mind and you replay it and replay it and replay it. And when you begin to develop it and you're replaying this, that's the time to tell on yourself.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Hey, husband, I just keep thinking about this. I don't even know if it's my thought, but talk to me. Help me work this out because I love myself enough that I don't want to fall into sin, gain the world, and lose my soul. I don't want to mess up our marriage. I don't want to mess up my children, my ministry. I don't want to do any of that. So I'm going to tell on myself.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Um, you know, so you have some people that's in denial, or some people that are embarrassed, or some people who don't want to get help. But then some people just feel like it's a hard season.

Hard Season Or Sin Problem

Ken Claytor

How do you know the difference between a bad marriage and just like a hard season?

Tabatha Claytor

Something you need to grit through.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, something you need to just kind of get through. Okay, okay.

Tabatha Claytor

Um I think hard seasons don't involve sin. Okay. So we've been through hard seasons. We've been through cancer. We've been through, you know, um, we move from one city to another city to church plant and we're building churches. That's hard seasons. Like it's just difficult, financially hard seasons. We've been through those seasons, but there's no sin in that season. Right. And so we've been through hard seasons, but we maybe got into an argument, but we're not cussing each other out. We're not, you know, looking at pornography, we're not um just out with other people doing ungodly things. There's nothing that I have to tell on you about.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

It's just a hard, it's just hard. Right. And I might get frustrated with you, you might get frustrated with me, but it's nothing that that's a hard season that you grit through. You declare the word of God and you keep going. If there's sin involved, you got to get sin out. It's cancerous.

Ken Claytor

But in our hard seasons, we actually come together. Hard seasons push and push us together. So when you gave the example of like church planting and overcoming cancer, those are hard seasons, but those hard seasons actually pushed us together. If hard seasons cause you to declare war on each other, your marriage needs some help. Okay. And so what would you say to the spouse who feels alone, even though they're married and they feel like maybe they're fighting for this marriage by themselves?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, well, you know, I've I'm sorry that you feel like that. Nobody wants to be there. Um, but if if it were me, I would probably um find someone to trust. Okay. I'd look in my church and honestly, if I even if I found a pastor that I didn't know, but the fact that I trust this church and you're a pastor and you're obligated to, you know, for confidentiality, hey, can you can I talk to you? I'm having trouble problem problems in my marriage. I need some help.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

At least I can get a prayer partner, someone to stand in faith with me, right? So I would get someone so that I know I'm not alone.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

But uh, okay, so in the marriage, if you're the only one fighting, um, I would make sure that I had all of the tools, the spiritual tools that I need, and I would keep on fighting until I see a change. Meaning, like I would I would make a war room, a war plan.

Ken Claytor

Well, let me just say there's a movie out that came out from Angel Studios called War Room five, six years ago. Go watch that movie. I'm I'm honestly telling you, watch the movie War Room because you will see it being lived out by actors what it means to have a prayer closet that you fight for your spouse. There's some principles. That's a perfect example, right?

Tabatha Claytor

That's a perfect example that that movie. Um, but it gives you because you need to, you, you, you, you develop a war plan and then you go at it.

SPEAKER_02

This is good.

Tabatha Claytor

You stand in faith and you believe, but it helped it gives you hope. You don't feel alone, you can do something about

War Room Faith And Seed Sowing

Tabatha Claytor

it.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Uh you know, let's let's talk about a very touchy thing for a minute. You know, I was talking to somebody last night who's going through some real battles in their marriage. And um his his perspective was like, I want to fight for my marriage, but I don't I just don't know if anything's gonna change. Meaning that there's been some things in the marriage and he wants to change his his wife to do certain things, like to meet his emotional needs, to be a friend, to be a little bit more like the person he was dating until they got married, so he says. And so, but this has been going on for months, if not a year or plus. And it almost feels like this person is waiting. It's like he wants to believe for his marriage, but he's not willing to kind of sell out for it. So it's almost like he's waiting on her to change. And so my advice to him was like, hey, bro, if you want your marriage, you gotta go after it.

Tabatha Claytor

Yep.

Ken Claytor

You're gonna have to sell out for it, and you're gonna have to believe God.

Tabatha Claytor

All of your eggs are in that basket.

Ken Claytor

It's all in that basket. And here's the thing like, you can't manipulate her or change her because only God can. So what are you warring for? You're worrying for the relationship because you guys, the two have become one, and you are going to create a war room where you go before God and you treat her like who you want her to become, and you speak life over her. And even if she doesn't become what you want her to become, can you love her where she is right now? Right. I mean, it was just so much, and it was, I could tell it was blowing his mind. And honestly, I think he was like, I don't know if I can do that. Right. You don't want a good marriage. See, so what a person thinks is like, well, I could do better by myself, uh, or I could do better with somebody else. Uh, you still taking you into a new marriage. People want the grass to be greener on the other side. Why don't you water your own grass? And so marriage is for mature people that will not give up the fight, that will be till death, do you part, not arguments do you part, not somebody has changed, do you part, or you don't get none, do you part? It's till death, do you part? And it's gonna take a level of contending for by faith. I don't know. I think that you've done that in our marriage years ago. When our marriage was bad, you contended for me. Talk to the person who feels exhausted. They feel like give it up. They're in a bad marriage, but it's not like they don't want to leave, but they don't want to stay. How do they get in faith? Because to me, I'm talking to this guy, I'm like, bro, you're not in faith. Right. You you don't trust God. And I had to tell him, I can't give you any guarantees that she's gonna change next month, next year, or even if that should be your desire to change, because the only person you can change is you.

Tabatha Claytor

Exactly.

Ken Claytor

Do you feel like my advice was good? What would you add to that? Because I'm still trying to help this dude.

Tabatha Claytor

Um, I think it was good. I I would give the same advice. Um, and then just having lived some of that, um, I think that it's principles of faith also. Now, I I I like what you said that you can't change the other person. And so I think that's really important to remember and understand. And so even now, whenever I pray for you and pray for our marriage, I ask the Lord to help me um be what you need me to be for you.

Ken Claytor

Can you break that down a little bit?

Tabatha Claytor

And well, because I know that I can't change you. Okay. So if I mean, even back then when our marriage wasn't good, I prayed for you. Um, but I didn't pray to change you because I understand I can't change you. I prayed that God would turn your heart toward me. I prayed that God would open up the eyes of your understanding. I prayed that God would give you wisdom like Solomon to govern your family. Okay. And so when I pray those prayers, I know that you will be the husband that I need you to be because now I'm getting God involved with things that God can do, right? I'm not asking him to change you, but I'm saying, Lord, yeah, uh, I'm I'm I'm just praying on your behalf for those things. And so some people feel like, well, they're not meeting my emotional needs, or I like this and that, and they don't do it. That's not who they are. I want them to change. I don't think that's the prayer's the prey. So I probably felt like that, like, oh, you know, I can't give you examples, but I know in the past I've felt like you are this way, and I can't change you to make you a different way. So I said, God, help me understand how he works, help me understand his love language. And then what I did was I would sow seeds. This is what gave me hope, probably more than anything. I understand the principles of God and the kingdom of God, that whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. And so I kept sowing seed until eventually I had faith according to scripture. I had faith that as if I keep sowing this seed, eventually I'm gonna get a harvest. So if I'm if I'm believing for apple trees and I keep sowing apple seeds, apple seeds, apple seeds, it might be a year, two years. Now, hopefully it's not that long, you know what I mean? But it uh in my case, it was weeks and months that I sowed the right seeds until I started seeing a harvest. And then all I needed was one little blade of grass, one little, one little poke through the ground. That was enough faith to keep me going because I knew that it was working. And I kept going and going until I had a whole garden filled with fruit and the marriage that we have today.

Ken Claytor

That's a word. I feel like with the example that I'm giving you, um, this young man is not wanting to walk by faith yet.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Because he wants a guarantee.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Like I don't want to go into the next five years and then end up getting a divorce. Yeah. Or I don't want to continue to fight for this marriage, but then it doesn't work out. That's not faith yet.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Faith is I don't have a plan B.

Tabatha Claytor

Well, that's not faith. That's also not love.

Ken Claytor

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

I mean, especially, you know, being the man who you you love your wife. Yeah. You know, that's not real love.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Jesus leaves the 99, he'll go and get the one. Right. For God so loved the world, he laid down his life. And we're to, and the husband is to love the wife like Christ loved the church. That's not in that's not biblical.

Ken Claytor

I just feel a man of God, you got to go get your family and go get your wife. Lace up your boots. Yeah. Serve her, honor her, build her. Her up, speak life over. Yeah. Well, she's hard and she doesn't do this. Well, you're the head coach. You're the leader. And I'm not trying to blame you, but I do want to incentivize you that you have more power as the leader. Yes. The head is not dictatorship, it's responsibility, it's maturity. You set the pace, the temperature, man of God. It's time for you to lace up your boots.

Tabatha Claytor

I think we have to understand, like, peel back this natural realm so that you can see into the spirit realm. I'm reminded of a time when David and his uh his men were out fighting one battle. They come home to find out that their home was raided and their women and children were all gone and they were devastated. Their wives, their wives were gone. Their children were gone. And they sat there and they began to like lament and just maybe they were about to turn on David and attack him. But David went before the Lord and then he comes back to the men and he says, get ready. We're going to get our family back. We're going to recover all. And if that who you're talking about in anyone, especially men, if the enemy is trying to take your wives and your children, your inheritance, your legacy, you better go before God, get out there and recover all.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, go get your family.

Tabatha Claytor

This is a bad, this isn't just for this, this short little time that we have on earth, what is what that is yet just a vapor. This is eternity. Go get your family and recover all.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Oh, that's a word for somebody. It reminded me, and I just looked up this scripture, and this is more for wives, but I think the principle applies to husbands as well. 1 Peter chapter 3, verse 1, it says, wives, in the same way, submit yourself to your own husband, so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without the word by the behavior of the wives. One translation says by the conduct of the wife, by the lifestyle of the wife. What does that mean? The wife has, um, she's the neck that turns the head. She's the one that actually has the influential power to help win the husband to God and help win the family. So both husbands and wives, you're just not in this relationship being tossed to and fro. It might feel like that right now, but you have more working for you than working against you. It's time for us to get back in faith. We're not settling for a bad marriage. And so if I was to define a bad marriage, sometimes it means emotional distance. And I know that's where some of you all are, constant tension, um, no affection. We've been there before, no laughter, no teamwork, repeated arguments. We were more shut down back in our in our arguing days. Unresolved offense, lack of intimacy, loneliness in the same house. Um, some of you all are sleeping in the same bed, but you are wearing the edge of the mattress out. You are sleeping over on the corner of the mattress with half of your body out. That's not God's best for you. And we want to give you some tools. There's the enemy's in your house, he's in your head. Wow. And you gotta kick him out your house. It's time for us to stand up. And so, why is this important, guys? Because when people feel stuck, they start making decisions from pain instead of wisdom. They start thinking maybe this was a mistake, maybe I married the wrong person. That's what I used to hear. Maybe I deserve better, maybe I got married too young. Um, maybe I should check out, it'd be better for me to be by myself. But God doesn't work best in panic, he works best in process. And right now you're in a process of learning things to make your marriage better. Take your spouse out of the equation, just take them out. They can be ratchet, mean, frustrated, prideful, take them out of the equation. What are you gonna do? And I think if you can make it that simple, instead of focusing on them, what part can you play? Can you fix dinner? Can you clean the house? Can you still have sex? Can you speak well of them? Can you turn the other cheek? Can you forgive? See, this is big boy stuff here. I'm talking about even if that person doesn't change, can you by faith treat them how you want to be treated or how you expect them to become until they actually become that? I don't know. I think I feel like you got something on that. Anything else you want to speak today?

Tabatha Claytor

You know, I was just thinking about respect. And I just feel like um there are some men and some women that feel like they're not respected by their spouse.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

And I'm thinking, if I felt like that about you, the way you gain respect is to give respect. Yeah. And so, and if if your spouse says something to you, don't respond with disrespect. Right. Respond with humility, respond with love. That's how you gain respect. Like, wow, I just said that and they didn't say anything back. Maybe they're hearing from God, maybe something's going on. And it'll be brick upon brick. You will build, you know, uh something substantial to where they do begin to respect you because they know who you are, what you stand for. They know now they're like, uh they're a they're a person of God. Oh, they said, you know, they're going to church, they're reading their Bible, and they're they say they want this. And they said that they're not gonna argue with me anymore, but they still do it. They said they're not gonna bring that up anymore, but they still do it. When you start walking the talk, yeah, yeah, they'll take notice.

Stop Accusations And Speak Life

Ken Claytor

Yeah. You know, when our marriage was bad, honestly, I was being lied to by the devil. And the scripture says that he's the father of lies, but those lies, man, they seem like the truth. And I mean, you guys know Tabitha now. We've been married for 26 years, and a lot of you ladies, you admire her, her humility, her authority, her grit, and just who she is as a person, and I do too. Um, but back then, I was being told that she wasn't anything, I made a mistake, I could do better. And now, 26 years looking back, those were all lies. And they were lies that I believed for a season. So I had a plan to divorce my wife. I told my dad about it. I was making way towards it. I was interested in other women. I was doing all of the things that so many people in the world do. I was a Christian atheist at the time. I believed in God, but I lived like he didn't exist. And honestly, I just didn't know what to do. I did not know that there could be a better day. And so my word for someone who's listening is that there is a better day because everything that you see is not everything there is to be seen, and everything you currently see is not everything that your spouse could become. So you have a role in righteousness. I know it's easy to blame your spouse. I know it's easy to project your pain upon someone else, but all of those things is what cause the air quotes unreconcilable differences that can be reconciled with the help of God.

Tabatha Claytor

But here's the thing back then, the same lies the enemy was telling you about me were the same lies he was telling me. So what the enemy causes you to do is you team up with the enemy to say, She's not this, she can never amount to anything. You know where she comes from. She's not ever going to be able to overcome that depression. And then it leaves your spouse out there.

Ken Claytor

And you felt I'm not good enough.

Tabatha Claytor

And so I felt the same lies the devil was telling you, he was telling me. I was believing it, and you were believing it.

Ken Claytor

So the devil was in our home, but he doesn't show up with a pitchfork and red horns. He shows up as a deceiver and as a liar. So um, you what what that is, that interchange exchange right there, is what we call um false accusations. So the scripture calls Satan an accuser of the brethren. Yes. And um accusations, I feel like we need to do a whole podcast about false accusations because it is a tool in the hand of the enemy. So many times when you see someone who's talking negatively about someone else, they are operating under the spirit of Satan, who is an accuser of the brethren. Um, I just had someone who was kind of close to me, honestly. Um, uh I was having a conversation with the young man, and he was telling me, um, I uh I was asking him if he could follow me as I follow Christ. And he and he was talking about, you he doesn't go to our church, but he was just, you know, I know his pastor, so forth and so on. And I was talking about, you know, it's very important that you have accountability and you follow people who have fruit in their life. And I could tell through the conversation that he was like having this person, this wrong, ungodly perspective towards men and women of God and pastors. And I was like, well, can you follow your pastor? Does he have fruit in his life? And he kind of kind of got quiet, like, no. And I said, Well, me? Do I have fruit in my life?

Tabatha Claytor

You know you have fruit.

Ken Claytor

I know I have a lot of fruit. You know what he told me? He said, Well, your mom died of cancer and your wife had cancer, so you don't have fruit.

Tabatha Claytor

See, now that would bring out the scrappy in me, because yeah.

Ken Claytor

Well, let me tell you what those are fighting words. Well, let me tell you what it was. That's the spirit of the accuser of the brethren. That's what it is. Now, this person that I'm talking about is spending a lot of time in prayer and they feel like they're hearing from God, but they're not hearing from God, they're hearing from the devil. So, not all the time, but you remember the one scripture where Jesus said, Get thee behind me, Satan. And he said that to somebody who was his ride or die. He looks at Peter and says, Get thee behind me, Satan. You don't desire the things of God. When that person said that to me, I had to get off the phone and say, Get thee behind me, Satan.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Because it was like a spear from the enemy's camp. You're not good enough. You didn't even heal your wife. Your mom just died.

Tabatha Claytor

Well, you don't talk about a man's mama or his wife. That's just two darts that were straight from hell. Well, those are totally untrue.

Ken Claytor

But they think they're speaking on the behalf of God. This is the spirit of what we see online a lot.

SPEAKER_03

I'm sorry.

Ken Claytor

That is attacking pastors, attacking churches, attacking other people, tearing them down. Basically, they are teamed up with the accuser of the brethren.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And I heard Jake say this on a podcast like yesterday. He says, I never have people throwing rocks down at me. They're always throwing them.

SPEAKER_03

Come on.

Ken Claytor

Throwing them upward.

SPEAKER_03

Come on.

Ken Claytor

Meaning that the people who are ahead of me are more successful. I've never had one person that's ahead of me throw a rock at me.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

Ken Claytor

It's only people that really want what I have. Wow. And what I've learned over the years, 24 years of ministry, is that the people that you should be learning from, that's who you attack. And it shouldn't be. And instead of learning from you, see, there's a lot of people that should be learning from us and learning from people, but instead they attack the people that they should be learning from because subconsciously the attack puts me on your level or even puts me over, but you can't jump from elementary to college. There's a process of fruit. And so I'm like one of the most fruitful people, you know, integrity of ministry for 24 years. Don't drink, don't cheat, not flirt with another woman, no pornography in 24 years. Gotta, my children all love Jesus. We got a church of five campuses and four cities and two different nations. Last year we led 12,000 people to Jesus. We see people healed of cancer, but you can't see the fruit for some reason because you've teamed up with the accuser of the brethren. Now, that spirit of accusation can be in your house and it can be in your heart, it can be in your home. You got to kick it out. Stop accusing your spouse. Stop attacking your husband. Stop attacking your wife. You're teaming up with the enemy's camp. The Bible says we don't keep a record of wrong and we speak life and we speak not what we see, but what we want them to come. Prophecy has two major categories. There is a foretelling and a forthelling. The foretelling is like I'm prophesying the end of the ages or I'm prophesying something that is to come. But the fourth telling is actually where Ezekiel said, speak over the dry bones and tell those dry bones to live again. There is an authoritative fourth telling. Go home and get some oil and anoint your house and prophesy over it and say, This is a place that God dwells. There's no arguments here, there's no bitterness here, there's no lust here. There's a new sheriff in town. I prophesy over my family. My husband will be the man he's been called to be. I will be the wife that I've been called to be, et cetera, et cetera. My children will rise up and call me blessed and stop allowing the enemy to cause you to work against God, work with God. That's a word, man. It really is.

SPEAKER_01

So good.

Ken Claytor

I refuse to have a bad marriage. We've been there before. It's no fun. We want to help you

Seven Steps To Rebuild

Ken Claytor

today. Um, if you're new to our podcast, hit subscribe very quickly and share this with other people. This is like this podcast is good for small groups. This is the kind of podcast that you want to sit down with other people, watch it, and then do a quick Bible study. This is the podcast that you want to watch in your closet and then take notes and say, Holy Spirit, show me. Am I the one the enemy's coming in in our marriage? And so here's seven biblical steps that you can actually take that will help you um make a bad marriage better. Number step number one is stop pretending that it's fine. Okay. Honestly, this is the doorway to healing. You don't fix what you deny. You gotta admit, we're struggling. That's not weakness, that's wisdom.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Step two, get clear on what's actually broken. Okay. Is it trust? Is it communication, intimacy, respect, unresolved offense, unrealistic expectation, all of that together. Here's what I need you to hear. Clarity brings direction. Okay. Get clear on what's actually broken, then come up with a game plan to fix it. Step three, take responsibility of your part. This is huge. What part of this is on me? Even if it's small, you got to own it. Growth always starts with a location. The law of destination starts with location. Step four, stop fighting alone. Isolation kills marriages. You need wise counsel, you need mentors, you need pastors, you need other healthy couples. Tools matter. And so if you go to our website, we have marriage boot camps, we have marriage devotionals, we have marriage masterclasses. You can binge watch some of our podcasts. The more you watch us, the more the spirit of faith that's on us, I believe, will be imparted into you. Step five, rebuild emotional safety. No marriage heals without safety. That means no name calling, stop it, no threats, stop it, no sarcasm, stop it, no shutting down, stop it, no punishing silence, stop. Safety becomes a solution. All right. Step number six, reintroduce God into the process. That should be step number one. But some marriages don't need a new spouse. They need God back in the center of the marriage. Pray together when possible. Pray alone if necessary. That's good. God works the best with surrendered hearts.

Tabatha Claytor

Uh, you know, most people forget the fact that when we say I do at the altar, it's not between, it's not a covenant relationship between me and you.

Ken Claytor

Alone.

Tabatha Claytor

Alone. God is in the relationship with us. So we have to remember that.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Yeah. Step seven. Here's my last one, okay? Is choose growth over escape. Every marriage hits a moment where escape looks easier, but growth produces fruit. And sometimes God uses hard seasons to shape both people in the marriage. Marriage is a mirror. It shows you kind of what's in you. And our hope is that God can take and then develop Christ on the inside of you because marriage is holy and it's also powerful. Yes. All right. I

Tools Resources And Closing Charge

Ken Claytor

don't know. In closing, don't give up. Don't get weary and well doing. We're going to give you a bunch of tools. We have hundreds of episodes. What are we doing? Giving you tools, tools. These are free tools. Invest in your marriage. Don't just look for the free stuff. Go to the boot camps. Go to the conference. Go by yourself if you got to. Do whatever you got to do to get you right. Because I believe that when you align with God, God's hand gets involved. Yeah. And your spouse's arms are too short to box with God. And so we're out of time for today, guys. I hope you enjoyed it. Um, we would love to hear from you. Please email us, share us your testimony. We declare over you that you're going to have a great marriage. Your best days are out in front of you. God is perfecting things concerning you, and all things are working together for your good because you love God. You've been called according to his purposes. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button very quickly, the alert icon if you're on YouTube, if you're listening via podcast, however you can get it. We want to hang out with you every Thursday, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We drop a new podcast. And honestly, the best thing you could do would be like, comment, share, let other people know. This right here would be a lifeline to other couples around the world. You know, we got a we got a vision to see and help a million couples around the world. And we're glad that you are one of those. All right. If you're ever in Orlando, Florida, come worship with us. We got a conference that's coming up the first week in November called a Live Conference. And I just believe that you will meet God in a powerful and a fresh way. To get tickets, space is limited. Jump over to our website. And until next Thursday, we'll see you soon. Peace.