When Marriage Drifts Quietly

Ken Claytor 0:00

Hey, what's up, everybody? Hey, everyone. So glad to have you guys joining us again with Doing Life of Ken and Tabitha. Pumped to have you guys. Today's going to be a really good one, sweetheart. Um, we're going to do our specialty today. We're going to speak to married people. I want you to share this episode with other married people. If you're married or intended to be married, uh, grab a notebook and we want to help you today. Um, today's episode is for couples who don't necessarily look broken, but deep down something feels off. They're still together, still functioning, still paying bills, still raising kids, but if they're honest, the connection's faded. And what's um troubling is that many marriages don't explode, they kind of do a slow drift. And so today's episode is called Why Are So Many Good Marriages Quietly Falling Apart. And so when you hear the word quietly falling apart, what comes to mind? Anything?

Tabatha Claytor 0:50

Um, I think it's just life. Like life happens sometimes. You can be so busy. We have kids, we go through all of these different phases of life, and sometimes we can get so busy surviving in life that we neglect the marriage relationship.

Ken Claytor 1:04

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 1:05

And we don't understand, you know, that we don't know that it's slowly fizzling out.

Ken Claytor 1:09

Well, now we've been married for 27 years, and to be married that long, you have to be very, very, very intentional about not letting things drift. There's been seasons where we have babies, um, we've had puppies, we've had, we have businesses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as we said puppy, I heard a bark.

Tabatha Claytor 1:28

Trigger.

Ken Claytor 1:30

Um, we we we have ministry, we have all these different things. And if you're not careful, what you do is you kind of just give those things a little bit more attention than you do. And it's not, we're not evil, we're not bad, we're just busy. Right. And you kind of slow drift. And so we've brought our marriage from a marriage that was headed to divorce to best friends now, and we just love to pay it forward, helping other people. But we got to answer this one today. I feel like there's so many good marriages that are quietly falling apart.

Tabatha Claytor 1:56

And I think this episode is a good temperature tech check.

Ken Claytor 1:59

Uh-huh.

Tabatha Claytor 1:59

Like it's a good gauge to say, where am I on a scale of one to 10? Where would I rank my marriage right now? Yeah. You know, because that's the whole thing. The whole point is it's a slow drift. Slow drift. That you don't know. It's like when we're at the ocean, you know, we're we're on a floaty. Yeah. It's like you have to pay attention because you will be out there. Like it's slow. You don't really notice what's happening. Right. So we can we can really check.

Why Couples Hide What’s Wrong

Ken Claytor 2:25

Do you feel like a lot of people who are married today, they hide it well? I almost feel like there's a public persona, but then people are drifting internally before they even do it publicly. Yeah. Why do you think that is and what do we do about it?

Tabatha Claytor 2:39

Oh, but there's probably a lot of reasons. Um, I think, you know, for the most part, I think some people, they're not trying to be evil or, you know, lie to the world, but they just don't know how to find help. Um, they don't know, maybe it's embarrassing. Sometimes when you are, let's say, you know, in the church world, your leaders in the church world, you serve, you do all this. Well, oh my gosh, well, I can't have a problem in my marriage.

Ken Claytor 3:06

Oh, yes, you can. You are actually a higher target than most people. The higher you go in ministry, the higher you go in leadership, the enemy would love to make a mockery of your marriage. And I think one of the things you have to do if you are a leader or in ministry is be quick to tell on yourself and go and seek help because it's not that something's wrong. It's just two individual people that are growing and warring together. Yes. We need more prayer, more help than the average person, to be honest with you.

Tabatha Claytor 3:34

Yes. So I think that's a reason. Um, and uh, I think another reason is that one we grow as human beings, as people, especially as believers, right? You know, we're growing. Um, God is taking us to new levels, He's showing us more things, more insight. And um if we uh we can get to a point in our marriage where we maybe one of us isn't growing like the other one. Okay. Um, or what I really wanted to say is that we can feel like maybe we're just not happy in ourselves. We feel unfulfilled and we project that on our stress. And we project it on our space. That's what I'm trying to say. Yes.

Ken Claytor 4:14

Yes. I don't like where I am in life. So let me just project it on the closest person. And I would just ask you if that's you, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta catch yourself because we see so many couples that are doing that. They don't like where they are in life. So they're projecting it on the person that actually is your Rada Dye and your best friend that have taken your last name or you've had babies with. And so we gotta be very careful with that.

Tabatha Claytor 4:37

It's it's you know, we we get in our feelings sometimes, like, well, I just feel like, you know, I thought I would be here at this point in our life, or I'm just not happy anymore. I just, I'm just not excited anymore. That doesn't have anything to do with your spouse.

A Real Marriage Temperature Check

Tabatha Claytor 4:50

That's you. Yeah, your joy comes not from your spouse, but from the Lord.

Ken Claytor 4:54

Yeah, yeah. Wow, so good. Um, all right. So on a scale of one to ten, where do you feel like our marriage is right now? 27 years marriage. Where are we where are we right now? Scale of one to ten.

Tabatha Claytor 5:06

Nine.

Ken Claytor 5:07

Okay, praise the Lord. Um over the last six months, have we got off of a nine at all? Over the last six months?

Tabatha Claytor 5:15

Over the last six months, probably, maybe eight.

Ken Claytor 5:20

You're such a positive person. It's hard for me to bring this out. No, I felt like I felt like remember we had the conversation in the restaurant not too long ago. Remember, a family meeting. We're in the Puerto Rican restaurant, uh-huh, and we were talking about sex and we were talking about how things have changed and we need to pivot and we need different things.

Tabatha Claytor 5:39

Yes, yes.

Ken Claytor 5:39

So I I felt like we've had some it hasn't just been like a nine. I felt like if uh you were to ask me over the last six months with, okay, let me help you understand this positivity. Okay. Okay. So um there had been a season where you um uh uh we we got you a puppy, and that puppy was getting you up in the ear early in the morning. At the same time you took on new roles and responsibilities. Yes. At the same time you were um changing some medication that you had, at the same time you were still overcoming menopause, at the same time um we we were like in a season where it's all kinds of things that were happening. I wouldn't call that season a nine in our relationship.

Tabatha Claytor 6:17

Okay.

Ken Claytor 6:17

Maybe we should have this family meeting right now. I wouldn't call this that season a nine. Right. So when I look back at that season, I would say that was our temptation to slowly drift. And so out of this, I think it's very important that both people know when that's happening because that's what happens. One person's drifting and the other person don't know. Right. The other person got dogs, got babies, got personal challenges, and the other person's drifting. Or, you know, the the vice versa.

Tabatha Claytor 6:44

Right. So for myself and that, I was drifting and I didn't know it. I'm just trying to survive here. I gotta wake up, take care of this dog. I gotta go to work, I gotta do these things, and I'm enjoying it. It's not like it was bad, I was enjoying it, but it was just like, yeah, I was really becoming weighty. Yeah. Or drifting and didn't know it myself.

Ken Claytor 7:01

So let me remind you. And then we would come home and you would sit in the bed, and I would sit, and we have a sitting room. So I would sit and watch TV and you would be sitting in the bed and we kind of felt like, man, you're going to bed at 7, 7:30, and we're missing some of the principles that we teach of connection at the end of the day. Right. And it was almost like a slow drift. We preach this stuff. Like, I know this stuff. I know that pillow talk is important. I know that I shouldn't probably be vegging out in sports center at the end of the day. You probably shouldn't have your phone in the bed. But what was that? That's a slow drift towards the right things, to um towards the wrong things. And then we had a conversation and we pivoted, pivoted, pivoted. And I think that that's the part that I'm trying to bring out. So do you remember that? Yes. Okay. Yes, yes. Talk to me about why was that happening with us? Okay. How would it apply to somebody else? What did we do to turn things around? Are we still in the middle of turning some things around?

Family Meetings That Stop Assumptions

Tabatha Claytor 7:54

Yeah. Um, I think uh, okay, so the number one thing we did was we had a family meeting about it, right?

Ken Claytor 8:01

That's yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 8:02

Because you have to communicate.

Ken Claytor 8:03

Right.

Tabatha Claytor 8:04

Because we would still be there now.

Ken Claytor 8:05

Because I was frustrated by certain things in that season because we wasn't talking about it. Right. And I didn't even know that I was frustrated until we talked and I felt so much peace.

Tabatha Claytor 8:16

Because the, you know, some of the when we talk, I you get my side. Right. You're not like, oh, she's she's going to bed. It's 7:30. She doesn't like me. Maybe she doesn't want to have sex with me. Maybe she doesn't care about me in our intimate time. I don't know. Whatever thoughts the enemy will put. You're a human being. You feel like, you know, maybe she doesn't like me. Maybe I'm not attracted.

Ken Claytor 8:35

Well, I felt like from the sex thing, and I think we need to talk about, I think we're going to do a podcast soon about sex again. There's things that's changed in our sex life because of our age and different physical things that's happening that now we're having to overcome those things. And so as as you go through life, you've been, we've been married 27 years. We got to grow together.

Tabatha Claytor 8:55

Yes.

Ken Claytor 8:55

Because if we don't grow together, we'll grow apart. Communication is the piece that holds that whole thing together. So I'm drifting in my mind like, oh, maybe she just isn't interested like that any longer. We've always had great sexual rhythms. And I felt like, well, if she's not interested, I'm not interested. Okay, slow drift is happening. Yep. Somebody needs to speak up, find out what's going on. There's a lot of assumptions too when it comes to slow drift.

Tabatha Claytor 9:18

Right.

Ken Claytor 9:18

I'm assuming things about you that probably wasn't even true.

Tabatha Claytor 9:20

Right, right. And so we were able to clear things up. I was able to speak into whatever the situation was. I think another thing that we did, well, first we had a meeting, but another thing we did, like when the topics came up, like when you brought this to my attention, right? Um, I was not defensive. I didn't.

Ken Claytor 9:38

Oh no, definitely not.

Tabatha Claytor 9:39

You know, like you cannot, and and this is through years of work because sometimes, I mean, we've been married for 27 years, but that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't feel like, did he mean, is he attacking me right now? Like, do I need to offend defend myself right now? So I but I make a conscious, intentional decision. This is my best friend. This is my husband, whom I'm in covenant relationship. He loves me more than anyone else on this earth. So, no, he's not attacking me. Let me lean into what he's saying. Um, so I think we both did that. And as I responded, I don't feel like you felt that I was attacking you as well.

Ken Claytor 10:14

So if you're uh in a marriage right now and you feel like you guys have been drifting, the first thing you need to do is you need to have a family meeting. You need to call a meeting. And really, these family meetings, we talk about having them at least once a week or once every other meek week. And it's a time because my when we talk, we have meetings. No, I'm talking about where you sit down and there's an agenda where we talk about calendar, sex, intimacy, finances, kids, schedule, future, hopes, pain, and we get aligned. And so we know enough. And I think in that season, we might have missed a few weeks and we wasn't having our family meeting on schedule like we should.

Tabatha Claytor 10:50

I think we both traveled a lot.

Ken Claytor 10:52

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 10:53

You traveled, and then we both traveled, and then we came back, and it was just like just off. You know, you still have kids, you know, we still have two, you know, uh kids who are in high school. There's still ministry. There's just life. All of us, we have life.

Ken Claytor 11:09

I don't know. I feel like one thing that we always do is we make each other the most important thing in our lives, other than Jesus.

Tabatha Claytor 11:16

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 11:16

So we got our relationship with God, but I'm never gonna put the kids above you.

Tabatha Claytor 11:20

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 11:21

Um, I'm never gonna put my career above you. I'm never gonna put the ministry. I'm never gonna have the ministry be a mistress. I'm never gonna put my endeavors to have investments and money above you. And so it's easy for us to get back to center because I'm grounded enough to know if we're off, then my whole life is off. So I need to get that right first so that everything else works. So even let's say we miss family meetings for a month, which I would never encourage anybody to do that, but life is life, and if you do it, somebody has to be the hero in the home and say, we haven't met, we gotta talk. And as soon as we get down and I say, Well, well, I feel like this. Why have we been doing and we go back and forth with dialogue? And then all of a sudden I'm like, man, we were drifting. I just remember that meeting. It was like so much perspective and so much peace and so much joy because it's not far away. The law of the enemy is like, oh, things are over, they'll never be the same again. No, we got to pivot when we're 50, then we got to pivot again when we're 60, then we're gonna pivot again when we're 70, and all in between. We're here till death do us part. You guys got to become master pivoters and grow together instead of attacking each other.

Tabatha Claytor 12:31

Yeah. I and I think I I'm remembering the conversation now, sitting in the restaurant. And one of the things that I love is just being able to listen to you and hear your perspective because I would never think, you know, like I'm going about my life, I'm living my life. And so I when I think of, you know, my day and all of the responsibilities that I have in my day, like I might have spoken to, you know, all of these different people, all of these different doctors and dentists and school teachers, and like I have a world that I run every single day that's completely different than your world and what you run and the people that you speak to and what you're experiencing out there. And so when we come together, we are always reminded that we are these two. Yes, we have become one, but our lives are separate lives, you know, and we have to intentionally bring those lives together and communicate them. And it allows me to respect you for how you wake up in the morning, how you handle your business, and we meet back together at the end of the day. I'm allowed to see into your, you know, your life.

Ken Claytor 13:34

I hear this. Stop belittling your spouse because your spouse's division of labor is different than yours. Yes. Let me say that again. Stop belittling your spouse because your spouse's division of labor is different than yours. And it's easy for you to say, well, I do this, I do this, I do, I do, I take care of the main things. She does, she does these things, or he does these things. But why are you belittling the the part that they play and maximizing the part that you play when you guys agreed on that? And so I think with the agape love of God, is I always want to think the best of you. So I want to be like, wow, how are you able to do all of the things that you're doing? Like I don't care about a puppy and and dentists and doctors and all of that, you know. But somehow at the end of the day, you still care, you still care about my pain. Yeah. So I'll go through certain things and have conversations with people and I'm up against certain things and I'm trying to close a certain property. And that might not be in your wheelhouse, but you still care about it because I care about it. And I still care about what you care about because I care about you. And I just feel like if somebody received that, they'll be in a healthier place.

Tabatha Claytor 14:38

Absolutely.

Don’t Settle For Good Enough

Ken Claytor 14:39

Most marriages don't die because of one giant moment. They die from neglect, distraction, unspoken hurt, emotional distance, lack of intentionality. And the concerning part is this is that you can be faithful and still disconnected. You can live in the same house and slowly become strangers.

Tabatha Claytor 14:58

It's good. I hear good enough. I think a lot of people settle settle for just good enough. Just like it's an okay marriage. And um I I don't know. I think that's the easiest way to let things drift. It's okay.

Ken Claytor 15:13

I think we both got that eye of the tiger on now. I ain't cool with okay, nothing.

Tabatha Claytor 15:18

I know you don't.

Ken Claytor 15:19

I ain't cool with okay nothing. Like I don't know how I can get drive into people. Like, you know, you know, I I know that people are okay. You know, they they let themselves go. I don't want to let myself go. Right. For you and for me, for my own mental capacity and how I like to present myself, my confidence. Right. I don't want you to let yourself go either. Right. You know, I almost did. We should tell that story. The smoke got me. The smoke got you.

Tabatha Claytor 15:49

The smoke being menopause. It's a personal joke, I know, but the smoke got me. Menopause came in. I was about to give up.

Ken Claytor 15:56

About to give up. Gonna blow up like a house.

Tabatha Claytor 15:59

Oh Lord, no, I'll never give up.

Ken Claytor 16:01

Man, this girl was talking about.

Tabatha Claytor 16:02

The point is that I did not.

Ken Claytor 16:03

She she was had all her roots was turning gray. She was like, Well, you know, I don't want to have the chemicals in my hair. I said, girl, put chemicals in your hair. Don't, you know. And I mean, like, you can have gray if you want to. That's not that. What I what the conversation in our house was more like, don't give up on presenting your best self, your best you. You know what I'm saying? So, for example, if you're married to somebody and they don't care about your gray, rock your gray. If they don't care about your weight, be whatever weight you want to. But you might want to ask your spouse. You're like, like, what is attractive to you? What do you want from me? If you were to ask me, I would say, well, we got duh. God gave us duh. You know, let's hold on as long as we can. Now, I'm saying it with gray everywhere.

Tabatha Claytor 16:48

It's gray everywhere.

Ken Claytor 16:50

But like, you know, what are we gonna do here? So if you was like, no, if you came to me, maybe I should ask you, does my gray bother you? Because I can easily go.

Tabatha Claytor 16:58

No, I think it looks really good. It looks really good.

Ken Claytor 17:00

But I think I'm distinguished. I'm like Harrison Ford or somebody. Now, if you if you're like, nah, that ain't hard. I get some dark and lovely, I can go to my man. I know how to make it really.

Tabatha Claytor 17:08

I tell you things like sometimes you'll come home and your hair cuts away, and I'm like, mm, baby, I don't know. You look handsome, but I don't know if I like that haircut.

Ken Claytor 17:15

And I'll go change right away. I go change right away. I'm here, I'm in it for her. You know what I'm saying?

Tabatha Claytor 17:20

But I also don't want my hair to be gray. It's a like I don't have a problem with it. Maybe one day I will be beautiful on some people. But I also like, you know, uh, you know, okay, I'm 50 years old, but I just don't want to uh uh have gray hair right now. So I'll dye it. No biggie.

Ken Claytor 17:36

There it goes. There we go. So anyway, I don't know how we got on that.

Tabatha Claytor 17:40

I don't know. We were talking about um not just letting marriage be okay. Yeah, like we like loving life, the life that God give gave has given us. Let's enjoy the life. And I think sometimes we can be excellent in other areas, like we want our kids to be all dressed up and perfect, or we we're excellent on the job. Like, you know, on the job, we perform, you know, we are great, we handle our business, but then in our marriage, we just let it be okay. I don't want it, I want to be an excellent parent. I want to be excellent when I cook my food. If I make a sandwich, I build that sandwich right. It bothers me. Somebody just throw some stuff on the sand. No, make this sandwich right.

Ken Claytor 18:20

The slow drift is because people feel like, I kind of got that. We got the marriage, and they go to continuing education and stuff to get better in their career, but they put their marriage on cruise control. And that's why many people they they blow up their life in their 40s and 50s, and then they go start it over with somebody new. Wow. And it wasn't that somebody new was even better, it was just that it's new, and they get tired of the novelty and they get tired of the what is the monotony. Yeah. So it's like, let me just go do something new instead of making something new with the wife of your youth. Like you can create fresh things.

Tabatha Claytor 18:58

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 18:58

You can, you can, you can liven this up. You can you can fix the drift. You can come back together and not slowly drift apart. You can do it. It just takes work, it takes intentionality. I don't know. I would just rather be us be together and us work through all of the seasons of the drifting and the not drifting and be like, we've been married 27 years, 37 years, 47 years, 57 years, and until death do its part. That was the goal. Yeah. We got to fight for that goal. And so this matters because drift is subtle. Nobody wakes up and says, today I want to slowly disconnect from my spouse. Yeah. It happens gradually. One ignored conversation, one unresolved offense, one busy season, one emotional shutdown at a time, and eventually the marriage still exists, but the intimacy disappears. And so I want to give you a few reasons good marriages quietly

The Big Reasons Drift Starts

Ken Claytor 19:48

fall apart. And let's just we can talk about each one if you want. Just feel free to jump in whenever. Number one is they stop dating each other and life becomes logistics. That's an easy one.

Tabatha Claytor 19:58

That's an easy one. Yeah. A date night, just put it on the calendar and go out and do something.

Ken Claytor 20:06

Number two is unresolved offense piles up. Small hurts become emotional walls and the drift begins.

Tabatha Claytor 20:13

And that's a thing. Don't what does the Bible say? Don't go to um, don't go to bed on your wrath, like while you're still angry. Forget the exact quote. But yeah, address problems as they come. Like just have a conversation about it. That's not everything doesn't have to be a big deal. Everything doesn't have to be a blow up. Sometimes it's like, hey, babe, you said this, it hurt my feelings. I could be wrong, but tell this is how I feel.

Ken Claytor 20:38

And what you shouldn't do. Why are you always getting your feelings hurt? Like, come on, man. Come on, man. Are we babies? Are we men? Yeah. Are we babies? Are we men and women here? Number three, communication becomes transactional. Only talking about bills, kids, schedules, responsibilities. The slow drift has begun. You are now becoming roommates instead of lovers. But you can get it back.

Tabatha Claytor 21:00

That's right. That's where some quality time and those date nights come in. Take every put everything up. Talk about something else.

Ken Claytor 21:06

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 21:07

Reminisce.

Ken Claytor 21:08

We recently got Disney season passes again. Not for the kids, but for us.

Tabatha Claytor 21:14

For us.

Ken Claytor 21:15

The kids wanted to go to SeaWorld.

Tabatha Claytor 21:16

They didn't want Disney season.

Ken Claytor 21:17

We say you can go over to the hood. I mean, go over to SeaWorld if you want to. We got passes with them as well. But but they didn't, they wasn't super excited because they don't have roller coasters and stuff. We don't go to SeaWorld. Okay, y'all go to SeaWorld. We got Disney passes for us and they ain't get them none. Why? Date night. Yep. Date night's coming, and now I have And we have a good time. Yeah, just walk around holding hands, you know, we're in thousands of people from around the world. They don't know who we are. And so it's just a thing for us. And we we we got the less expensive pass. We got the pass where you can't go on most holidays, no weekends. You can only come on Wednesday.

Tabatha Claytor 21:50

We don't want to go on the holidays and weekends. That's not that's true. We can go on weeknights. So Friday nights, date night, that's all we need.

Ken Claytor 21:57

Monday through Friday. That's all we can go. That's all we need now.

Tabatha Claytor 22:00

There.

Ken Claytor 22:00

That's all we need, though. But we're trying to do everything we can because even date nights for 27 years is like, what restaurant are we going to tonight? What'd you plan for date night? Nothing. What you plan for date night?

Tabatha Claytor 22:12

We don't want to eat nobody's food anyway. We want a good home-cooked meal, honestly.

Ken Claytor 22:16

But you can't become transactional in your relationship. You got to bring in some of the fun and the romance. Number four is busyness replaces intimacy. And you become co-workers instead of companions.

Tabatha Claytor 22:28

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 22:29

Slow drift has begun.

Tabatha Claytor 22:30

Yeah. That's really easy to do, especially when you have goals. I think sometimes uh everyone probably gets into busy seasons. Yeah. But it should be that, just a season. Just a season. And communicate. Hey, right now I know we're we're we're in crunch time right now, but next week, we got we got two days, just me and you.

Ken Claytor 22:48

And I want to encourage some of you all, you need to take a sex vacation. This is only for the married people. You single people better not take a sex vacation. That's been the problem the whole time. That's the problem. Um, but some of you married people take three days and just say, we're gonna go get a hotel um in Miami or somewhere, and it's just gonna be me and you, and we're just gonna be intimate together, turn the phone off, and just just take a sex vacation. That sounds like fun, you know? But it will it brings the spark back, it brings it brings the liveliness.

Tabatha Claytor 23:17

Well, it's the intimacy.

Ken Claytor 23:19

You're seeing each other, and you're focused on each other. Yeah, roommates no more. Yes, yeah, go get the slow drift, don't let it drift no more. And so, how about this one? Emotional safety disappears. People stop sharing honesty. Honestly, they kind of feel like, well, I ain't gonna say that. And that, okay, slow drift is beginning. You gotta still have this peace in your relationship where you're willing to trust and be vulnerable.

Tabatha Claytor 23:42

You have to make yourself vulnerable on purpose.

Ken Claytor 23:45

Yeah, yeah. How about this one? Affection slowly fades. Affection just not just sex, I'm talking about tenderness. I'm talking about care. I'm talking about gazing in one another's eyes. I'm talking about holding hands, tenderness. Now it becomes so transactional. Oh, slow drift has begun. Right. You got to get it back, you got to get it back to sweetness and kindness and tenderness.

Tabatha Claytor 24:07

I find that a touch always kind of shakes the moment a little bit. Um, I use touch intentionally to communicate, like, hey, you know, I'm here with you. I got this. Like, okay. Um, and we're looking each other in the eye, but it also reminds myself, get out of the, get out of the moment, Tabitha. Your husband's listening, talking to you, listen. So, touch is a big deal.

Ken Claytor 24:27

I mean, when you first start dating, I mean, you're touching each other like in the movies, grabbing each other, touching each other's face, rubbing each other, all this stuff. Man, when's the last time you touched your spouse outside of sex? I'm talking about not for sex, just tenderness. Yeah. Just like romance.

Tabatha Claytor 24:45

Rub the arm. Rub the leg. I don't when you when you're when you're going out on date night, you know, holding, uh, you like to go over. Now I can't hold your hand while I'm driving because I'll crash. But you hold my hand while you're driving. You admitted that. I stay focused.

Ken Claytor 25:01

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 25:01

Can't even get into that deep of a conversation.

Ken Claytor 25:05

Let it all out. Let it all out.

Tabatha Claytor 25:06

If I get fired up, I put the pedal to the metal. I'm running. I'm going to go.

Ken Claytor 25:10

Let it out. Tell the people the truth today. I've been saying this for years. Anyway, here's another one. Stress changes the atmosphere. Pressure creates irritability and distance. And sometimes we're experiencing tr stress in our other places of our life, and we project that stress and irritability onto our spouse in an Afair.

Tabatha Claytor 25:29

Yeah. Yeah, that that is very true. It's really easy to do.

Ken Claytor 25:32

The drift has begun. Yep.

Tabatha Claytor 25:33

The drift has begun.

Put God Back At The Center

Ken Claytor 25:35

And here's here's my last one: is that God's no longer at the center of the relationship. And you can't thrive spiritually while disconnected relationally from the one that gives you perspective and grace and wisdom and anointing and favor and all of those things. And so you got to come back to the place where we repent and we say, God, forgive me for having idols and for putting my career and my children and all these other things in front of you. Now I need you to be the center of my home and ask God to help you stop the slow drift. Come back together. You can do it. You can do it starting today if you want to.

Tabatha Claytor 26:08

So good. Yeah, I think, you know, so many times we get together on a date night and we talk about, man, I was studying the Bible and I found this. And we just talk about what the Lord says. I was in prayer and I feel like God said this. I had a dream and I feel like God is saying this. It's some of the best conversation to just talk about the Lord together, to love Him together, to rejoice together. And I think even sometimes, you know, like you and I are a perfect example. Going to church on Sundays, sometimes, most of the time, you and I don't sit down together and hit the word together. We we're in worship together, but not sitting together. But there's every once in a while we are intentional. Well, you know, when you're not speaking, we will sit down in a service together and just worship together, hear the word together, hold your hand, you know, while while we're listening to the word. Those things are putting God first.

Ken Claytor 27:00

Yeah. I love it. I love it. Hey, well, we pray in the mighty name of Jesus that you would have the favor, the power, and the wisdom to stop the slow drift. Yes. Um, we're out of time for today. We pray that this podcast episode was a blessing for you. If you are new to our community, we want to do life with you. We drop a new episode every Thursday, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. The greatest compliment that you could give us would be a share. Share this episode with other married couples, other people who need it. Doesn't matter their relationship status. When you get better, the marriage will get better. Um, we would love to invite you out to a live conference. It is coming up in a few months in the first week of November. Thousands of people are coming to Orlando from around the world for one encounter with God. We say it this way that this three days could change the next 30 years of your life. We believe people are going to be healed at conference, set free at conference, and you want to invest in spiritual things. If you're interested in that, jump over to our link in the show notes. Get your tickets right away while supplies last. Come worship with us. We got a new book, y'all. It's coming out on September 22nd. It's called The Better Marriage. And we really want to help those of you all who have a good marriage go from good to great, an okay marriage go from okay to good, and a bad marriage bad to good. We just want to help you have a better marriage. And this book, we put our foot in it, y'all. You want to get a copy of this book as soon as it comes out, and we believe it's gonna help you have a better marriage. Just know that we love you and we hope to see you real soon. God bless you. We'll see you next Thursday. Peace.