Welcome And Why Resentment Matters

Ken Claytor 0:00

Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha.

Tabatha Claytor 0:04

Hey everyone.

Ken Claytor 0:05

Good to have you guys with us today. We're Ken and Tabitha. We've been married for 27 years, and uh we've had ups and downs almost headed for divorce, but now we're best friends, and we love to take the tools that we used that God gave us to help turn our marriage around and kind of pay it forward to you. And so if you have a bad marriage, we believe there's a better day that's coming. If you have a good marriage, you can go from good to great. If you have a great marriage, we believe you can be out of this world. You're in the right place right now. And so welcome. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button or the alert icon if you're on YouTube, everywhere else. Download with us as we drop new episodes every Thursday at 3 p.m. Today's episode is about something that quietly destroys a lot of marriages. It's not affairs, it's not abuse, it's not a giant betrayal, it's resentment.

Tabatha Claytor 0:52

Resentment.

Ken Claytor 0:53

And resentment is dangerous. Um, it really is like an explosion at first. It slowly builds. One disappointment, one unresolved hurt, one ignored conversation at a time until eventually the marriage feels cold and unloving. And the good news is that there is help. Come on, somebody. Come on. Today's episode is entitled How Resentment Slowly Destroys a Marriage.

Personal Resentment Stories From Early Marriage

Ken Claytor 1:18

Um, let's just have we ever been there before? Resentment?

Tabatha Claytor 1:23

I'm sure we have. You know, I'm sure we have.

Ken Claytor 1:26

Of course we have. Um I had a plan to divorce you when we first got together, and I resented the fact I thought I got married too young. I thought I married the wrong person. Um, I resented the fact that um I made that choice and I thought maybe it was a mistake. I resented that you wouldn't get out of bed because you was battling depression. I resented the fact that sometimes you were asleep when I wanted sex, or I resented the fact that you didn't do something that I wanted you to do. And looking back, a lot of that was just my flesh. But that's what resentment is. Wow. And I think that there's a lot of couples today that just have maybe it's not that level, and maybe it's more. I resent you for getting the house foreclosed on. I resent you to moving me to this city, I resent you for, you know, you know, getting me pregnant early. I there's so much stuff that people can resent one another for, yeah, but it hurts your relationship. And I just believe there's healing on this episode.

Tabatha Claytor 2:17

It hurts your relationship or hurts you.

Ken Claytor 2:19

So I I'm probably my personality makeup would probably be one that will hold on maybe to a little resentment more than you. Yeah. I don't know.

Tabatha Claytor 2:27

I was a little surprised. You're just like, of course we have. I resented you for this and I resented this, and I was just like, whoa.

Ken Claytor 2:33

Yeah, that's 27 years old.

Tabatha Claytor 2:34

Not that I'm, I mean, I have no problem with you saying that, but I was just like, huh.

Ken Claytor 2:37

Yeah. Okay. Like you wouldn't even be able to say what you were saying for you.

Tabatha Claytor 2:40

I don't, yeah, I'm not uh I'm digging.

Ken Claytor 2:42

Let me think for a second what you would resent me about for. I don't know.

Tabatha Claytor 2:49

I I I don't know necessarily have an example, but I remember just like with I remember having kids and being like a new mom, and I remember feeling resentful for you because I'm I'm like, I'm watching you leave and go to work, and I'm at home with a baby nursing the baby, and my body hurts, and I was like, I don't know what's going on. And I remember looking at you like I wanted to punch you in the nose or something. Like he's living this life, and I'm just here. So that's that's resentment.

Ken Claytor 3:16

That's resentment.

Tabatha Claytor 3:17

Yes,

Love Keeps No Record Of Wrongs

Tabatha Claytor 3:18

yes, yes.

Ken Claytor 3:18

I got a scripture for us today. You ready? First Corinthians chapter 13, verse number five says this love keeps no record of wrongs.

Tabatha Claytor 3:27

Amen.

Ken Claytor 3:28

Love keeps no records of wrongs. What's your thoughts on that?

Tabatha Claytor 3:31

I love love.

Ken Claytor 3:35

It's uh Well, the love chapter is 1 Corinthians 13. Y'all, y'all take a read of this. 1 Corinthians 13 talks a lot about love and it defines what it is. And one of the definitive parts of love is that love keeps no records of your wrongs.

unknown 3:50

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 3:50

I think that's a that is a tool. It's necessary for marriage, for any relationship that you have. You have to let things go.

Ken Claytor 3:58

Yeah. So resentment holds on, love releases. Love releases. Resentment holds, love releases. Now, we've talked to married couples all over the place. We've been in ministry now 19 years as lead pastors, 24, 25 years, just as servant leaders. I've talked to a lot of people that their marriage is bad because they just hold on to resentment. Now think back in your mental rolodex, okay? Maybe you can't think of too many times that you resented me other than the nursing piece. Think of other stories that you've heard and you'll be like, man, she's just holding on to just she just resents him, or he just resents her. Give me any other examples that come to mind.

Tabatha Claytor 4:41

Um, you know, I don't have I want to say this. I do know what resentment is, though. Um, I, you know, so growing up, I had a lot of resentment toward, you know, the person who abused me. I had a lot of resentment toward maybe teachers and other people who hurt me. And so I do know what resentment is. For me, resentment came when somebody hurt me, somebody that was supposed to, I trusted to love me and care for me and take care of me, but you did the opposite. That's where bitterness kind of set in. I was hurt and then I said, Oh, I keep withdrawing and withdrawing.

Ken Claytor 5:14

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 5:15

And that's where the resentment came in.

Ken Claytor 5:17

Okay. Uh, I think today is so important because even if you have like this great relationship, um, resentment can kind of sneak in there over the years as you, especially as you go through

How Resentment Starts And Snowballs

Ken Claytor 5:26

painful seasons. But I would define resentment as unresolved hurt that turns into ongoing bitterness, frustration, and emotional distance. It's unresolved hurt. Unresolved. So resentment is kind of like under the surface. It's kind of like you kind of get on my nerves a little bit. I resent you. You know what I'm saying? And resentment is funny. It could be little things. I resent you for always leaving your shoes out. Yeah. I resent you for always leaving them crumbs on the table.

Tabatha Claytor 5:53

Crumbs in the sink.

Ken Claytor 5:54

I just I just resent the fact that, you know, your your your breath is special. I just I just resent you snoring like that. I just I can't I can't even get a good night's sleep. Come on now. Resent. I resent you never put gas in the car. You always on E. Mm-hmm. Like, oh my goodness, like really resentment.

Tabatha Claytor 6:11

So it starts out as bitterness. It starts out as just like, mm-hmm that gets on my nerves. And then you don't deal with it. It's bitterness. You don't deal with it. Now it's now you're into resentment. That's it. Seems like it starts out small, but it and when you don't deal with it, it ends up to be something bigger than Yeah.

Ken Claytor 6:29

To me, bitterness is pretty strong. It's um unresolved something that you didn't like that turns into bitterness, frustration, and emotional disorder.

Tabatha Claytor 6:39

So you think resentment is not as strong as bitter?

Ken Claytor 6:43

Right. I don't think so. I think resentment for me, when I'm thinking of what we're talking about today, I'm thinking more like, yeah, I kind of there's a resentment, it's an undertone. It's like it's not big enough yet to cause a big fallout. Okay. But if I keep stacking it, it's going to turn into something else. And actually, resentment can actually blind you to where you start not even wanting to hear their voice. Like I resent your sound. I resent who you are as a person. I resent that I'm even married to you. And that's when it's so it's almost like, yeah, it's kind of gotten to me, bitterness is like there was a betrayal or something that happened, and now bitterness is a root, it's in my heart. You know? So I think that the resentment can kind of snowball into all of these things, but um it's not cool. No, it's not good. Yeah, yeah. And so resentment um starts with pain that never got processed correctly. So instead of communicating, forgiving, healing, addressing the issue, people start storing things emotionally. And eventually they stop seeing their spouse through love and start seeing them do offense. All right, so think of any other things just talking to people, you know, resentment.

Common Triggers Money Sex Time

Ken Claytor 7:53

Any other thing comes to mind of um just an example that we could share with people of times that we've seen couples that fall into the resentment trap.

Tabatha Claytor 8:04

Yeah, I think there's a lot of resentment when it comes to finances in in marriages. I see a lot of um wives sometimes resentful because they feel like they're not being provided for. They feel like, you know, well, I don't want to do all of this because I feel like my, you know, my husband should be taking care of me more. I see a lot of resentment in husbands. Well, he feels like, well, I'm doing all this to take care of, could take care of you, but you're not doing anything. You're not contributing at all and you're spending. Your sexual resentment. Yes, sexual resentment. Oh my goodness. Absolutely.

Ken Claytor 8:35

I resent that you aren't meeting my needs. I resent the fact that I'm over here and horny or something, and you act like sex is not important to you. I resent, you know what I'm saying? So that's a big one. So you got the financial one, you got the sexual one. Anything else?

Tabatha Claytor 8:53

You know, I know even for me in ministry and in the church world, there are a lot of pastors' wives. There are a lot of people in ministry that the wives resent the husband for maybe the amount of time he spends in church, the amount of time he spends in ministry. I know wives that resent their husbands for the amount of time it's not church, but it's their secular job, it's their business. And they resent the fact that they're gone and they want them to come home or maybe be at home more.

Ken Claytor 9:22

Well, I think that there's wives who resent their husbands for not leading well or not leading the way they think that the husband should be leading. Um, I think that there are um even people who get married and their friends resent that they don't have enough, they don't spend as much time with them as they used to. I think, you know, resentment is one of those things. It's just like, you know, it's it's kind of this the snowball effect that's happening. So it sounds stuff like, I'm tired, what's the point? They never changed, I don't even care anymore. You know, and in a marriage context, that begins to get dangerous. And so resentment's not okay because resentment never stays small. It spreads into communication, affection, intimacy, trust, tone, patience. It spreads over into attraction, it spreads over into your friendship. And some couples they can still live together, but resentment has kind of already separated them emotionally.

unknown 10:17

Wow.

Tabatha Claytor 10:18

Yeah, that's dangerous.

Signs Of Resentment Distance And Avoidance

Tabatha Claytor 10:20

So what do we do to, you know, if how do you identify that you're operating in resentment?

Ken Claytor 10:27

Distance. Distance would be a big one. So when I was dealing with resentment toward you, I'd feel distant from you. So I didn't know the principles that I know now. So I tried to give you the silent treatment. I tried to weaponize sex. I tried to go out with my single friends, take my ring off. All of that is just I'm distancing myself because I'm resentful.

Tabatha Claytor 10:49

What do you mean when you say weaponize sex? I don't know if people know what you're doing.

Ken Claytor 10:52

Weaponizing sex means that I'm not gonna give you some when you want some to teach you a lesson. So like I felt like I was being denied so long, so now I'm about to deny you. It's all flesh. It's eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. But many people do that today. And you're only hurting yourself. That's the dumbest thing you could have to do. Like, if you're gonna be in the flesh, come up with a better, better tactic.

Tabatha Claytor 11:14

Don't hurt yourself.

Ken Claytor 11:15

Weaponizing sex. Um but yeah, I think distance, anything else? Like resentment causes distance, but it also probably causes I think, you know, um, I would say if if if you can't look your spouse in the eye, there's probably some resentment there.

Tabatha Claytor 11:33

There's something going on there. I know if there's ever something, if we get into an argument or if I'm upset with you about something, let's call it resentment. If I'm upset with you or if I resent you for some reason, it's almost like I can't even look at you in the eye.

Ken Claytor 11:45

Yeah, it's distance.

Tabatha Claytor 11:46

It's yeah, it's that distance.

Ken Claytor 11:48

It's like you go to bed over here, I'm gonna fall asleep on the couch. Yes. And if we are in the same bed, I'm gonna sleep on the edge of the mattress on the scene.

Tabatha Claytor 11:55

Yes.

Ken Claytor 11:56

Yeah, yes.

Tabatha Claytor 11:57

And then it's that, you know, so like if you're with your spouse and you don't want them to touch you, like if you can't sit on the couch next to them and cuddle them, like if this is repulsive for their touch, there's something that's resentment. There's something going on.

Ken Claytor 12:10

I got some answers for you. Are you ready? In the comment section, just say, I'm ready. We got some answers for you today. So, what do you do to get overcome to overcome resentment

Ten Ways To Heal Resentment

Ken Claytor 12:18

in a marriage? Number one, you gotta acknowledge it honestly. You cannot heal what you don't deny, what you deny. So you have to acknowledge it. So I'm resentful. Okay, now what am I gonna do about that?

Tabatha Claytor 12:30

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 12:31

Number two, you gotta stop rehearsing the offense. What you replay grows stronger. So resentment is like I'm I'm replaying what I don't like over and over and over again. And you gotta think on things that are lovely, pure, and of good rapport.

Tabatha Claytor 12:48

That's good.

Ken Claytor 12:50

Number three, address issues early. Small problems can become big walls. So don't let it become this snowball effect where the snowball is like this huge thing, address it early and um uproot offense early.

Tabatha Claytor 13:06

That's my favorite one. I I think I thought you were gonna get to that. And that's the biggest thing for me. It's just address it early. Like anytime you get upset. So I just gave the example, like, you know, if I'm if I'm upset with you, like I can't look at you. Like I'm too, I have to talk about it because I won't even be able to look at you because it's just too much. I've really got to be honest.

SPEAKER_02 13:25

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 13:25

Yeah, like I it's avoidance. Yeah, it's avoidance. It's just like, hey, babe, how you doing? And I'm over here because I know we got to have a conversation because you know, so I don't, it's funny that you don't know that. But anyway, maybe I told my secret. Now you're gonna come after me if I don't look at you.

Ken Claytor 13:42

What's the problem?

Tabatha Claytor 13:44

But um, I forgot why I was saying it now.

Ken Claytor 13:47

You were talking about um address uh issues early.

Tabatha Claytor 13:50

Yeah, addressing it early. But you know, that's the thing. So when I get into those moments, I know like, hmm, I guess what he said bothered me more than I think. I can't even look at him. Okay, babe. Let me tell you this real quick. You got a minute?

Ken Claytor 14:02

Well, you're talking about like EQ, like I think maybe it's EQ. I don't know. It's emotional intelligence. Intelligence. Emotional, this would be my advice for single people. You need not just someone with great IQ, you need somebody with great EQ, so emotional intelligence. Because a marriage to work well, you need people that just get themselves. Like you need to marry somebody, like if I'm upset, I know I'm upset. I can admit that I'm upset and I know how to process it. Right. There are some people that they just they get upset and then it turns into this and then it turns into that. And it's like, how do you get way down there?

Tabatha Claytor 14:36

Because here's the key. When you get upset, I'm sorry. When you get upset, most of the time it's not about the other person, it's you because you can either respond or react to any situation, right? You can react and and give off the same energy that they're given, or you can respond. You can stop, think about it, pray about it, process it, and then respond in the correct way. But most of the time, you know, I'm with you. You're a good guy, you know, you say stuff and it might mess with me or bother me, or maybe we disagree, just whatever it is. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. And it's about me, where I am in my life, how I process it, process it, how I'm feeling. And whenever I do open my out mouth to bring it back to you, you will either apologize because it was wrong, or you'll tell me your side, and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry to just mess with me, you know, my bad.

Ken Claytor 15:34

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 15:34

And it's over. Yeah. But most of the time it's us.

Ken Claytor 15:38

Yeah, it's really good. Number four would be communicate with honesty and softness, truth without attack. Um is a way to get over resentment. Yes. Um, number five would be learn to forgive repeatedly. Marriage require requires ongoing grace. Forgive and forgive again and forgive again.

Tabatha Claytor 15:58

These are all fruits of the spirit. These are all Christian things.

Ken Claytor 16:02

You do this very well. Number six, replace criticism with appreciation. Celebrate what right they do. Yes. Even if they still do what's wrong, practice, I call it the art of ignoring. I do it really, I do it in parenting quite a bit. Like I can't just go around and pay attention to every single thing teenagers do. Right. You gotta ignore that, ignore that, ignore that, okay, focus in on that. That's the big one.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Yes.

Ken Claytor 16:25

And I think in marriage you need a little bit of art of ignoring and really just using your words to prophesy where you want the relationship to go. Um, number seven would be rebuild emotional connection intentionally. And so to overcome resentment, get back into date nights, conversation, affection, but be intentional about it. Like we're gonna go in. I mean, chat GPT it doggone if you got to. What are the 10 ways that I can rebuild affection in this marriage that's gone that way? That's the great thing about living in this day and time. You got AI that's like you spend $5,000 on counseling, but you can go and type some things and it's this is what you should do. Uh, number eight would be you got to pray together. Spiritual connection softens hearts. You know, if you're really resentful and you start praying together, you get Jesus involved.

Tabatha Claytor 17:14

It's hard.

Ken Claytor 17:14

Get out of the flesh.

Tabatha Claytor 17:15

It's hard to be mad when you're praying.

Ken Claytor 17:17

Number nine would be get help before it gets worse. Mentorship, counseling matters, you know. And so we're big on that. Get help. Like bring somebody else in. If you're too proud to go to counseling, yeah. You're too proud. Yeah. Um, and number 10 would be remember why you chose each other in the first place. Don't let pain erase perspective.

Tabatha Claytor 17:41

It's so good.

Ken Claytor 17:44

And so here's a bonus one. Ephesians 4 26, it says, Don't let the sun go down while you're angry. Don't give the devil foothold. Uh Hebrews 12.15 says, See to it that no root of bitterness grows up. And of course, 1 Corinthians 13, 5 says, Love keeps no records of wrong.

Tabatha Claytor 18:02

Love keeps no records of wrong.

Ken Claytor 18:04

That means that I gotta let it go. I gotta get that resentment and I gotta let it go. I'm not gonna keep records of wrongs. Yeah. I let it go and I choose to love you.

Tabatha Claytor 18:15

And it's something that we have to do. I think, you know, resentment comes in, we're pointing the finger at the other people. I resent him for this because of something he's done, because of this, that, and the other. But really, the resentment isn't you choose to resent instead of forgive.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 18:33

You choose to resent and keep a record instead of keeping no record of wrongs. So really, it has nothing to do with the spouse. It has everything to do with you.

Ken Claytor 18:42

When I would speak to the person and and you are a resentful person, that's that's who you are. You are a person that would score high on keeping, um keeping score and resenting. You gotta know that about yourself.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 18:56

And you gotta ask for the Lord's help. And I think that some people who are score high in resentment, they feel like, well, they deserve it. Almost like, well, you've done so much wrong. That's why I'm resentful. And if you wouldn't have done that, that's it's almost like you give yourself a pass because how bad you've deemed your spouse to be. Right. And I want you to know that that's not okay. That's not okay. That's actually what we're talking about. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Scriptures Prayer And Next Steps

Ken Claytor 19:26

You know, and so if you want a better marriage, you got to do some better things. Here's a prayer of renouncing, of repenting of resentment. If this bears witness of you with you, I want you to pray this prayer of renouncing after me. Say, Heavenly Father, Heavenly Father, today I come before you come before you with humility and honesty.

Tabatha Claytor 19:44

With humility and honesty.

Ken Claytor 19:45

I renounce bitterness, I renounce bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, unforgiveness, anger, and anger. I repent for the words, attitudes, attitudes, actions, and actions that have wounded my spouse and grieved your heart, and grieved your heart. Jesus, forgive me, forgive me, cleanse me, heal every hurt, disappointment, disappointment, and offense, and offense in our marriage.

Tabatha Claytor 20:07

In our marriage.

Ken Claytor 20:08

And I choose to forgive.

Tabatha Claytor 20:09

And I choose to forgive.

Ken Claytor 20:10

Just as you have forgiven me.

Tabatha Claytor 20:12

I release every grudge, I release every girth, every harsh memory, every harsh memory, and every hidden hostility. Every hidden hostility.

Ken Claytor 20:19

Holy Spirit, soften my heart again. Restore love. Restore love where there has been distance. Where there has been distance. Peace where there has been tension. Peace where there has been tension and unity where there's been division. Today I recommit myself.

Tabatha Claytor 20:33

Today I recommit myself to my marriage covenant.

Ken Claytor 20:36

Help me to honor, help me to honor, serve, serve, listen to, listen to, and love my spouse. Love my spouse. The way Christ loves me.

Tabatha Claytor 20:43

The way Christ loves me.

Ken Claytor 20:44

Teach us to walk in grace.

Tabatha Claytor 20:45

Teach us to walk in grace.

Ken Claytor 20:46

Patience.

Tabatha Claytor 20:47

Patience.

Ken Claytor 20:48

Humility. Humility and compassion. And compassion. We declare that resentment will not rule in our home.

Tabatha Claytor 20:54

Will not rule in our home.

Ken Claytor 20:56

Jesus will be the center of our marriage.

Tabatha Claytor 20:58

Will be the center of our marriage.

Ken Claytor 20:59

And what the enemy tried to divide. And what the enemy tried to divide. God will heal and restore.

Tabatha Claytor 21:03

God will heal and restore in Jesus' name.

Ken Claytor 21:06

Amen.

Tabatha Claytor 21:06

Amen.

Ken Claytor 21:11

All right. Well, we're out of time for today, guys. We hope you enjoyed today's podcast. If you're watching YouTube, make sure you hit the subscribe button, hit the alert icon so that you can be the first to get the content when we release it every Thursday, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We would love for you to be a part of the doing life with Ken and Tabitha family. We want to prophesy over you, pray for you, do life with you, share our wins and our losses so that we all can grow in God together. We would love to hear from you. Take a moment to write us a good review or send us an email to share your testimony. We love to hear what God's doing in your life. If you're in between church homes, we would love for you to join us online. We have a live service. If you go to YouTube and look for a live church every Sunday at 9 45 Eastern Standard Time, you can worship with us live online. And we have a conference that's coming up called A Live Conference. It happens every November right here in Orlando. We would love for you to encounter the power of God. We believe it would change you, which would change your relationship, that would change your family, that would put you on a whole nother level in God. Of course, you can grab the link to get some tickets in our show notes. And uh, we got some books and some merch and different things. If you head over to our website, if you're looking for devotionals, we're dropping a new book. It's coming out really soon called The Better Marriage. And uh, we want to help you have a better marriage. And uh, like I said last week, my son just um together, me and him opened up a clothing line. And I'm really just trying to support him at 15 years old, getting him used to business and everything. And you can check that out at communionapparel.com. We love you guys, and we will see you next Thursday. Peace.