Why the Mental Load Is Actually Killing Intimacy — The #1 Way I Reset It in My Marriage

In this episode of the Supported Wife Society, the host delves into the often-overlooked concept of the mental load, describing it as the constant, invisible list of tasks and responsibilities many women carry.

She shares her personal journey of how the mental load impacted her relationship with her husband, Glenn, and diminished their intimacy. She explains the importance of conducting a mental load audit to identify and share the responsibilities, thus alleviating the burden and fostering a closer connection in the marriage.

Listeners are encouraged to download a free mental load audit and join the community for further support and guidance.
00:00 Introduction to the Mental Load
00:46 Defining the Mental Load
01:26 Personal Story: Managing the Mental Load
04:14 Impact on Intimacy and Relationship
07:40 Solution: Mental Load Audit
11:22 Invitation to Join the Community
11:59 Conclusion

Get your Mental Load Audit: Lemonprice.co/audit

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Here are the best ways for you and me to connect and grow together!
Step 1: Subscribe to the Podcast
Step 2: Download the Mental Load Audit
Step 3: Let's Connect: https://www.lemonprice.co/coffeechat
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Enjoy the episode, everyone!

How can you be part of the movement to equip women?
1. Share the podcast!
2. Leave a 5-star review!

Thanks for listening!

If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to share this in your stories and tag me!  And don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

CONNECT WITH LEMON:

• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Visit the Website
• Apply for the Cohort

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Supported Wife Society, friend. I am literally so excited because the mental load I personally feel is a hot topic. It's just a hot topic. I feel like every single wife that I know has felt it, but maybe hasn't had the words to talk about their mental load. So the mental load, when I think about it, it is this invisible, it's constant. And here's the big thing: it is not just making you tired, but it's actually killing the intimacy in your marriage. And I don't just mean in the bedroom either. So in this episode, I'm gonna share how I kind of discovered this in my own life, how it was affecting my relationship with Glenn, and then one shift that I made to actually change everything. And so, what like is the mental load? I want to give it to you like really simply. The mental load is the invisible running list of everything you track, remember, and manage as a wife, a mom, business owner, uh, somebody who volunteers. Like, it's not just chores, right? It's dentist appointments, it's asking or like planning for dinner, it's the emotional check-in, it's pre-planning for Christmas. Like, I am recording this in September. Guess what? I already have Christmas gifts for the kids. That's the mental load. And so there's I've thought about this so much in my own relationship. There are like so many times I remember, especially in the beginning of our relationship. So, like, quick backstory about mine and Glenn's relationship. So I was obviously like single when I met Glenn, had no kids. I was, you know, living my best life just outside of Savannah. And, you know, he was a single dad. He had two small children at home. And so he carried the full mental load by himself. There was no support. I mean, there wasn't even like visitation with his ex-wife. She lived across the country. So like he was literally doing it all by himself. And so when I came in, and you know, uh, Glenn had a normal nine to five. I work for myself. I've worked for myself for now almost a decade exclusively. And so when I came into the picture, I was like, well, of course I'm gonna step up and just help and do all the things. And so, you know, he wasn't worried about preschool drop-off anymore, which let me tell you, that had a huge impact on our marriage and like my business. Because let me, stupidest thing ever. This is like such a little side note tangent. Stupidest thing ever is the fact that half day preschool exists and that there was like a quote unquote like afternoon session. Wyatt went to preschool from 10:30 in the morning until 1:30 in the afternoon or something. It was like 10 to 1. So dumb. We lived like 15 minutes from preschool. So I'm like, and of course, like you can't get a bus. So I had to drive him to preschool, right? So there was like 30, 40 minutes of my morning. I'd come home, I'd have like maybe two-ish hours to get stuff done, and then I'd have to go back to pick him up. It was the dumbest thing I've ever experienced, but it impacted my ability to work and get things done. And I had to be really intentional. So it all shifted. And so then, you know, and I brought dogs into the relationship. So I'm like thinking about the dogs, and I had a cat, and like now we have, you know, there's two small children, and Glenn's in a band, and like we were both serving at church. Like we all of us, my whole life. Like, I before I met Glenn, the only thing that I was managing was literally myself, my like two dogs, and a cat, and like my business. It was very casual. I was like coaching, cheerleading like two or three days a week. Like it was a very casual situation. And then all of a sudden, I like take all of these things on. Like, I got this. And I grew up in a household that was like not very touchy-feely, we weren't very emotional. Like, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times like we probably said I love you my entire life. So, which is fine, you know, that's fine. We can unpack that on another episode if you want. My step kids are not like that, right? Glenn's not like that, they're very affectionate people. And so I remember I got to a point where I was so overstimulated by what I was carrying mentally, and then like physically, I was like, this is too much. And I was like, snap, I'm like, don't touch me. I literally don't want to be touched. I need to get away. I'm like freaking out. My nervous system was freaking out because I was touched out. I was just like done with, I was just like done with that. I'm like, I am burked, I'm done. And at the end of the day, I was like that. And so then it was impacting like our intimacy, right? And then I felt guilty too. So this is the other thing. I felt guilty sharing with Glenn that I was struggling or that I was like, I took on like a lot really fast. And I go through like a whole morning period, but I was like, I took on a lot really fast, and it's I'm having a hard time with the adjustment. And so I like wasn't sharing that with him. So, like mentally, emotionally, we had like a disconnect, right? But then it led to a physical disconnect. Like we realized, oh my gosh, we've gone like a couple weeks without being intimate. And it's not because we didn't want to, it's not because we don't, we weren't like in love with each other. It's because my brain was thinking about school projects and pickup times, and I mean, all of these things my brain was thinking about. And so it's really hard to get, I'm sorry, but it's hard to be in the mood when you're thinking about a five-year-old's like school project. You just you can't do it. And so it was impacting our marriage in such a way that was so unhealthy. It was so unhealthy. And again, not because the affection we felt for each other had, you know, decreased or anything like that. It was literally just because I was carrying too much and then not sharing it. And so obviously, like it's hurting. When you are carrying the full mental load, right? It hurts the marriage. Intimacy needs space. Intimacy needs room to grow, it needs room to blossom, it needs to be uninterrupted. The mental load gives you no space, right? You cannot shift from manager mode, right? I always think of Krishna like the mommager. Like you can't be momager and then go to woman who is pursued and loved if you are always holding on to everything. That is where resentment starts building and it builds quietly. It is in micro annoyances. I just trained about this inside of the Supported Wife Society. We did a really deep dive on this topic. When you are carrying everything, right? Every little ask from your husband feels like one more wait. It is not an invitation to connect, even if what he's asking for is connection. You're like, okay, I just, I really can't think about this right now. I don't have the mental capacity to think about this right now. And you stop being the wife who is the woman really who is desired and pursued and wanted because your husband's like afraid to connect with you because you're just gonna get mad. And you're mad because you're carrying so much and you're not sharing the load. So you see how like you're both kind of creating a problem in the intimacy department when it comes to the mental load. And so I'm gonna tell you like the one thing, the number one thing that fixed our intimacy is a mental load audit. So I I just started writing down what I was carrying. Like, what am I thinking about? What am I, what's on my brain? How does my brain work? And that's something I've started to do with Glenn too, is I'll say something, I'm like, Do you want to know how my brain got here? And he's yes, I do want to know. And so I explained my entire thought process is how I he said one thing and my brain arrived somewhere else. And he's wow, that's a lot of connections that your brain make in like a four-second time frame. And I go over this too in the supportive wife society. Women have everybody has a default like uh network mode. And so women's are just different than men. And so it touches different parts of our brain. And like I said, I deep dive more into this, into the supportive wife society. But I just I wrote it down and I let him see my thought process and see what I'm thinking about and what I'm carrying. And then when he could see it, it was like, oh, snap, like you're taking on a lot because what I was carrying was not just about, you know, I mean, he was used to carrying stuff for the kids, right? But now we're in a different season. We're in middle school, like that also comes with a lot of schedule juggling, and there's just a lot of moving pieces. If you have kids in middle school, like you know, it comes with a lot of moving pieces. Everybody's on the computer all night doing homework now, like nobody's getting pen and paper sent home anymore. All of your homework is on the computer, everybody's got logins and Google Classroom and all these. So, like, I'm juggling it all, but then also running a business and podcasting and volunteer work and all these things. And so he's got it so much. And so once Glenn could see what I'm carrying, we could start to rebalance the list together. And here's the thing it's not perfect, but even like a first step lifted a huge weight. For instance, today, he had off of work and when I'm recording this, and he knows my favorite things. Like he had stuff to do this morning, and he literally called me right before I hit record and he's hey, I just want to let you know, I'm picking up lunch. I got you this because I know it's your favorite thing. I'll be home in a little bit. And I was like, perfect. I don't have to think about this, I don't have to think about it. And so here's the thing once I wasn't managing every aspect of our life, once I wasn't managing everything under you know, God's creation, I had energy left for closeness and connection again. And so I think this conversation is super important, right? What I shared though today is the starting point. You have to start doing a mental load audit. You do what I'm gonna say, there's there's a free mental load audit in the show notes, or you could just go to lemonprice.co slash audit and go get it. Start writing it down. But it really is just a starting point, right? Because the mental load, and again, I just trained on this in the Supportive Wife Society. There is so much behind this mental load. There is so much more behind it. Inside of that community, I will walk you through the exact mental load on it step by step, how to communicate it without a fight, and then how to build rhythm so you don't just drop the load at once. I've seen people do that. They'll just let me like raise their hands and be like, kind of screw it. Like I'm carrying too much, you figure it all out on your own, and then their whole lives collapse around them and bills are, you know, their electricity is getting shut off because suddenly the bills aren't on auto pay anymore. And it's just like a mess. Okay. So we're not gonna do that. I'm gonna teach you how to build a rhythm that makes you feel lighter, make both spouses feel supported and cared for. And so if you've been feeling resentful or if you've been feeling super exhausted, or like intimacy is always on the back burner, I want to invite you to join our party. I want you to like you don't have to do it alone. We do weekly QA calls, there's a whole community for you to share your wins and get support. Like, there is a way forward. And so I just want to tell you, you can absolutely have that. So if you want to know more, then I just want you to send me a DM on Instagram, honestly. I mean, you can find out about it from lemonprice.co, but really send me a message on Instagram or on Facebook. Let's like connect, let's have a conversation. And I just want you to remember that just because you can carry it all does not mean that you should. Okay. So if you want your intimacy to get back on track, my friend, you have got to start with this mental load audit. You have to start offloading some projects. And so I cannot wait to hear about this audit. If you download the audit, let me know how it goes. Send me a surprising thing from the audit that you did that you're like, I had no idea. I was thinking about this. I want to hear all of it. And I will see you all next week on the Support Advice Society. To lose friends.