Spiritual Gifts of Betrayal

Betrayal can feel like it shatters everything you thought was true, but what if it could also become the doorway to deeper healing, identity, and peace? In this powerful conversation, I sit down with Lora Cheadle of Life Choreography Coaching & Advocacy to talk about the spiritual gifts of betrayal and what holistic betrayal recovery really looks like.

Lora shares her journey from attorney to wellness practitioner, and how her own devastating experience with betrayal led her into profound healing work that now helps other women reclaim themselves. We explore the connection between somatic attachment therapy, mind-body-spirit healing, integrated energy therapy, and the nervous system, along with why betrayal recovery is about so much more than just fixing a relationship. This episode digs into identity, self-trust, trauma, shame, self-betrayal, and the possibility of rebuilding from a place of wisdom rather than fear.

We also talk about how to support yourself when you feel triggered, what not to do in the aftermath of betrayal, how unhealed wounds can ripple through generations, and why healing can lead to deeper freedom, stronger boundaries, and even more meaningful relationships with yourself and others.

To connect with Lora, visit loracheadle.com, follow her on social media at @loracheadle, grab her free guide at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, or sign up for her monthly channeled updates at CoffeeWithTheLibrarians.com.

For more wellness tips and exclusive content, join my newsletter! Sign up now at https://wellness-in-every-season.kit.com/5-days-to-mastering-mornings-and-evenings receive a free 5-day guide called "Awaken and Unwind: 5 Days to Mastering Life's Mornings and Evenings." 

Transcript

Holistic Betrayal Recovery

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We are talking about spiritual gifts of betrayal as well as holistic betrayal recovery. The idea of what is holistic betrayal? How are we recovering in all of the ways instead of part of it? Welcome to Wellness in Every Season. We talk all things wellness to help you align yourself, align with your goals, find balance in your life, and just recalibrate yourself. If you are listening for the first time, welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. And let's get started in the rest of the podcast. Today I have with me Laura Cheadle, the name of her business. It's called Life Choreography Coaching. FBC. What comes to mind to me is dancing, right? Choreography. And the idea that things should be in balance and kind of at the right timing. And I'm curious what comes to mind for each of you as you're listening. Just take that pause. And what do you think of with choreography? And how much easier does that sound? For me, it's that extra breath out, extra exhale, and that moment of this is the way my life should look. So I love the name of her business. Let me tell you a little bit about her. And I already love her because she had such a huge life pivot. And it's that reminder that we can have it. So she became an attorney because she was passionate about justice. And after burning out, she walked away and moved into the wellness space, which was very satisfying. And I could tell as soon as we got on, just can you're looking up dip or glow. So that tells you right there. But it didn't always Yeah. But she's saying it didn't always fix what people were dealing with. She became a clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, yoga fitness instructor, and learned integrated energy therapy, then became a mind-body spirit coach. Can you tell by all of the different certifications that she had that she was on a journey for her own healing? These are the best people in the interview because they've lived this. So for you who are struggling, tune in. If you know somebody else is struggling, share this right away. Just hit pause, share it, and then clarify. So Laura, thank you for being on. I'm very excited. We've already talked to somebody else about what hypnotherapy is, so we know what that is, but we don't know what somatic attachment therapy is, and we don't know what mind, body, spirit is, and we don't know what integrated energy is. So whichever one of those you want to start with, we are all curious. What is this?

SPEAKER_02 3:04

Let's start with somatic attachment therapy because you were talking about dance, and that's what life choreography is all about. And somatics just have to do with the body, moving the body and the idea and the concept that we flow emotion, we flow trauma, we flow joy, we flow our emotions through our body. So that's what somatics is. Somatic attachment is just talking about the attachment styles and really focusing if I've got an anxious attachment style and I feel really needy and I can be really clingy and I'm gonna clean up and I'm gonna do all these different things. How can I take that more anxious energy and flow it through my body so I can create calm? Similarly, if I have like a more avoidant attachment style and I'm a little bit walled off and I'm on my own, how can I soften and open the front of my body, soften my belly, relax my thighs so I might be more open to relationships and to connecting? So that's what somatic attachment therapy is.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Love it. I knew what somatic was, and I talked about it in different ways, but the attack part, so interesting. Are there people who are a mix of both?

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Yes, we all have areas of our life where we tend to be avoidant, areas where we tend to be a little bit more anxious, areas where we're completely balanced. But the somatic attachment therapy is really focused on how to be relational in every single moment. And it doesn't matter if it's personal or professional, what do I need to do to calm my body, to calm my nervous system, and to create a more positive, harmonious interaction wherever I go.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

You think just hearing about the concept of it, I feel a little more angulated.

Regulating in a Busy World

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Yes, yes. Isn't that the truth? Because it recognizes that we all get keyed up, we all get anxious, we all want to be loved and accepted, and it's okay. Just calm and relax, be present with ourselves. That's the best place to where we can really start.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

And actually, I just recorded some solo episodes that talk about that in such a society where we're go, go, go, do, do, do. So the moment that we have space to breathe, it's one of those, wait, I should be doing something. I'm sure that's a lot of the clients that you're seeing right now because it's so ingrained in us. And it's honestly secret.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

Yeah, I'm glad that you did some episodes on that because yes, you're right, it is ingrained in this. How many times do we say, I didn't get anything done this weekend? I'm so embarrassed, I didn't. And it's like, oh whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Who says we have to be productive every minute of every day? Why do we glorify? Oh, I got so much done. Who really cares? How do you feel?

SPEAKER_01 6:15

That's what matters. And really, when we look back on our life, that's what we remember is how we're we're not gonna remember our catalyst. No, no, if we do, we shouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

There's not a lot of joy in that.

Integrated Energy Therapy

SPEAKER_01 6:33

So tell us what is what's learned integrated energy therapy.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

The integrated energy therapy is similar to Reiki. It is sometimes hands-on, sometimes just hands-off, processing and moving the energy. So it's me connecting with your energy field. And listeners, even if you're not seeing me right now, I just want you to imagine that I have my hand right over your heart, just softly right there, and just feel that heat, feel that presence. And now imagine that I'm turning little circles, just a little clockwise circle over your heart with my hand, and just imagine, and you can feel that energy just lightly shifting, lightly stirring. And now, as you're feeling that, imagine me pulling my hands slowly away from your heart, expanding that energy, expanding that glow, opening your heart. And then if it feels right and it feels peaceful, you can settle your own hand over your heart. Just take a breath and feel that shift. That's what that integrated energy therapy is: is it's bringing our attention to our energy centers, to the power that we are generating. I'm not generating your heart energy, but I've just brought you into communication with that heart energy just by that focus. And that's what integrated energy therapy is all about.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Amazing. And the episode, I think, is right before yours is Ricky. So perfect. Where are the other energy centers?

SPEAKER_02 8:33

There's different energy centers all over our body. The ones that I really work with, the mind, because we tend to live in such a thought-based society. So, like the forehead, the front, and the back of the head, there's a lot of mental energy there. Then the throat, when we don't feel free to express our truth, the heart dropping down the solar plexus, like right between your ribs, that is the seat of our autonomy and our power. And it's easy to feel diminished and collapsed, like I don't have any choices. Then the gut. And those are the main power centers. I mean, like I said, there's so many, but those are the main ones that I deal with because how many of us have gut issues or throat issues or headaches? A lot of times that's just coagulated energy that is not able to flow.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

That all makes sense to me, except this one's nail. Interesting. For those who are listening, I realized you want to know where I was touching. Yeah, this different the back of the head, the chakras.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

Yeah, the brainstem is back there. That is the survival portion of our brain. And we spend a lot of time activated, being in a fight, flight, or freeze area. And that is where that energy back of the neck, that threat, that charging in, that's where that back of the head energy really tends to come into play.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

I don't know if you have to spend some time after this just meditating on it.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

Yeah, and noticing, you know, if you're stressed out and all of a sudden, oh, that really dysregulated me. And I'm notice what you start feeling at the back of the head.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

How different is that from my favorite pressure point and acupunctures right here at the top of the head?

SPEAKER_02 10:32

Is it similar? It is similar.

Mind Body Spirit Fitness

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Yeah. Okay, I'm seeing how your different certification layer and how they have this like home together. What is the mind, body, spirit code? I know that so many people in the wellness space talk about this.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

I've never talked about it on my show or had anybody else really talk about it. So what is this?

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Oh, I'm so excited to talk about it. I was a dancer. I danced my whole life. I love dancing, I love movement. And I actually started teaching fitness classes in 1988. So I had been teaching fitness in one form or another for it feels like a hundred years. And what got me so frustrated about fitness was the focus on the physical body. And it was bigger muscles or skinnier waist and skinny thighs. And there was very little focus on, but how do I feel? You know, it was all on what do I look like? So the mind, body, spirit certification was connecting with your body. How do you feel? Where is your power? What can your body do for you? Why do you want to stretch and be flexible? If you're flexible in body, can you be flexible in mind? Even if you're a size, I don't know, 18 and you're still fit and happy. Shouldn't the focus be on you're fit and you're happy, not what number clothing you fit into? So that's what that certification did. It brought together all of the aspects of what does it mean to be fit? Because what it means to be fit is not how much weight you can lift, how long you can be on the sphere. It has to do with your relationship with your body.

From Law to Wellness

SPEAKER_01 12:23

My undergrad is in applied health, and we talked a lot about that in my degree. And there was a study done that was hard to put into words for me. It was so impactful for me because I grew up in the 90s. I I'm born in the 80s, but I grew up in the 90s, if that makes sense. And for those of you who don't remember the 90s or weren't around, this was the time when famous people were interviewed saying, I noticed you gained weight, or I noticed you lost weight, and you could have gained or lost weight. Ridiculous. They expected people to be almost skeletal. Honestly, the people who were what are they called? The runway models, models literally looked like skeleton. Terrible. And let me tell you when you are too skinny, it's not good for your life. The same as when you're grossly overweight, the same idea, it's not good on your organs. Anyway, grew up in the 90s. This is what I'm used to. When I'm around toxic family members, they're constantly putting out other people's weight, even though they're not the ideal weight. And it's not just ideal weight, they're not healthy, they're not, they're very sedentary, smokers, whatever. There was a study done, and it was a very lengthy study, lots of people in it, long amount of time that they did it, and they realized there is such a thing as skinny. These are people who are naturally thin, but they don't have enough muscle mass. They're all fat. And they learned this by doing DEXA scan. These are the scans that are done when you're older. If you want insurance to cover it, you need to be Medicare. And these scan are checking your bone density, but they can also see your muscle mass with it. So they're really cool. So they learn this thing called skinny fat, and then they learn that there's also people who look obese, but they're actually doesn't that just blow your mind that there are people who are healthier than you but they don't look like it? And it brings to mind how many people do you know that look healthy but they have chronic pain, chronic disease, something chronic going on, where it's because of whatever they have chronic that they look healthy, but they actually are in pain, or maybe their mental health isn't right, so they're not in balance. Learning about these concepts during my undergrad really re-wrote and unwhelmed the way that I was raised by society as well as my family. So that's something to sit with and think about right there. And I was friends with somebody who she told me off of the side and during a very vulnerable moment that she suffered from anorexia. She was in recovery, and she was asking me for some advice. She wasn't sure whether to tell her leader that this was going on. We were in a volunteer setting. She was asking me as another leader, and my advice to her was don't focus on the calories. This was her first time away from home, so her mom was really worried. Focus on how you're feeling. When you close your eyes and you're really tuning in with yourself, do you feel like you're in balance? Are you feeling good about yourself? And then focus on getting the nutrients like whole wheat bread instead of white bread, stuff like this. And this was before I had even gone down every path. So it's very interesting the things that you naturally know pretend to be right. So tell us a little bit about your career path and what led you to switch from you said burnout, from being an attorney to going down this path. It sounds like a lot of this was for your own healing. And then at the end of this, I would love to get to the point of how do you help people get there faster? Because I'm sure it was a longer journey than now people who you code.

Discovery of Infidelity

SPEAKER_02 17:06

It as you said, it's an interesting mix of wow, this was so perfectly ordained for me, and I never saw it coming. I practiced law, like you said, because I was a really big believer in justice. I was passionate about that. And to be an attorney means you have to work really ridiculously hard hours. And although I was down for that, I thought it was gonna be fine. I hit this point where I had two kids 22 months apart, and three out of four of my grandparents were in various stages of dying. One had cancer, one had Alzheimer's, and one had COPD. And my husband's job was a traveling job. And it was just one of those things where it was like, I can't do this. If I do it, I am gonna be so stressed out. My mental health is suffering. It's so frustrating because you know, our healthcare system is not great. The daycare system, it's not great. It's not easy. And I decided I really need to walk away. I need to for so many different reasons because it's breaking me. And I thought, this is fine. I'm burned out, I've been always passionate about wellness. I'm gonna move into this. And it's gonna be a great job because I can balance it better with kids, with a traveling husband, all of that stuff. And I loved it. And I thought, this is my calling. This is absolutely everything that I've ever wanted to do. And like with anything, there's frustrations. Do you realize places where you could do some more chealing on your own? Throughout this whole time, I thought I had a really good marriage, and for the most part, I did. But there was just constant frustrations. My husband comes from a very abusive, traumatic background, foster care, poverty, like all the different things. And it was just really exhausting living with somebody with PTSD, and it was making me traumatized being with him all the time. But I thought I was doing a really good job. I thought I was managing it. Well, when my youngest was about to graduate from high school, I thought this is it. We've made it, it's about to get really good right now. And that's when I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for 15 years with a multitude of women, some one-offs, some long friendships where they slept together every three or four years. And it gutted me to a level that I have never been gutted because it went to my identity, it broke who I thought I was, everything that I had prided myself in being good and kind, and you know, working for the marriage and a mom and all of that, it blew up in my face. And it was like, why did I even try? And who am I? And it released every single insecurity. Now, fast forward because it was a long, hard healing. My husband and I are still together. That breach, that collapsing of everything was the straw that broke his back, really. He finally had to go lean into wellness to take care of himself. He finally had to go to therapy, he had to address the PTSD, he had to address his work workaholism, he had to address his own wounded self, why he thought cheating was an option. So we each really broke and had to do our own healing at that point. And then we ended up coming back together as two completely different healed people and have rebuilt the marriage after that. And although it was by far the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life, it was also the thing that brought all the pieces of the puzzle together. It made me apply all of these tools. It's not just theory. I learned great things. I had to do it because I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get up, I couldn't stop crying. It really challenged me. Challenged me to be and to do all of the things that for all of those years I had been just teaching and had never really had to apply.

Grounding When Triggered

SPEAKER_01 22:14

For anybody who might be feeling triggered, what do you recommend right now?

SPEAKER_02 22:19

Yeah. Acknowledging that you feel triggered. Being able to say that to yourself. Wow. My palms are sweating. Oh, I've just noticed that my back is tightened to my breath. It's gotten shallow. Maybe I can choose to relax my shoulders. Maybe not. That's okay. I'm just noticing them. Maybe I can see if my breath can deepen a little bit, or maybe I can tap my legs, shake my legs out a little bit, and just be present with what I'm feeling. And then also notice the stories in my head. What am I saying? Oh, this reminds me of. Oh, what if this? Where's your mind going? And can you bring it back to this conversation? We're having a conversation right now.

Individual Healing First

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Love it. Why did you decide that you needed to lean into wellness and he needed to do therapy rather than going to coupled therapy?

SPEAKER_02 23:25

If I knew then, would I know now? We did start going to couples therapy, but it was enormously triggery. The first therapist we met with was not trauma aware or trauma-informed. So it was not healthy for either of us. And the focus became communication skills, and how can you be a couple? It's not about the couple, it's about the individual. My husband cheated because he had no coping skills. He was experiencing severe post-traumatic stress. He had a self-image issue. He had his own unaddressed, unresolved trauma. That was about him. That's not about me. I was a perfectionist. I was performing in my life. That's about me. That's not about him. We have to do the individual work before we do the couple's work because a couple is built from two healthy, coal individuals.

Stop the Why Spiral

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Love it. Thank you. And then hindsight, right? So much clearer. Wouldn't you had done? You're just now finding out again. What would you do differently?

SPEAKER_02 24:47

Or what would you when you go into fight, flight, or freeze, you do just that. You fight, you run, or you completely shut down. And I would bounce between all of those. One moment I'm gonna see 10 different attorneys, and I'm gonna rewrite my will, and I'm gonna get a new, you know what I mean? And then other days I can't get off the floor. And in hindsight, I would have focused more on how do I re-regulate my nervous system? How do I just stop and not solve problems right now? How can I nourish my body? Because I couldn't eat, I was nauseous all the time. How can I sleep? I couldn't sleep. I would focus more on me and not figuring out why, why, what should I do? And just being more present with myself.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

How do you turn off the why for people who are stuck right there?

SPEAKER_02 25:49

It's really hard. I want to acknowledge that first. If you're stuck there, there's nothing wrong with you. I was stuck there. So many people get stuck there. That's okay. Here's some of the things that you can do. The reason we get stuck is the brain opens up a loop and then starts scanning the environment. How can I solve this? How can I answer this? How, how, how, how, how, how, how? What are the things that you can do that can close that loop? How can you answer that for yourself? You don't always need the quote unquote right answer. Usually there isn't a right answer. Why did this happen? Perhaps it's because of X, Y, or Z. And if you can't even get there, perhaps this isn't happening for my own best interest and highest good. Perhaps this is something that my soul planned. Perhaps this is something that's going to serve me one day. And just answer the question for yourself. Because when you answer the question, you close the loop in your brain and you can have a moment of peace.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

What would you recommend? Absolutely, do not do.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

Oh my goodness. I think there's many things. I think first and foremost, if it's infidelity or any significant trauma, promise that you're not going to make any decisions for a year. There's a lot of decisions that will impact your life. You don't need to make those decisions for a year. Give yourself some time. Now, obviously, if your health, if your well-being, if there's something going on, yes, take care of that. But if you can give yourself some grace and space and slow it down, that will give you the time to address things fully. So you don't bypass, so you don't make decisions that you regret. Give yourself time and also get help. There is so much shame. I have this crippling belief. I must not be pretty enough. I must not be smart enough. I must not be sexy enough. I must not be a good enough wife. I must not be a good enough mom. Oh my God, I can't tell anybody. What are they gonna think of me? I took his shame on. It says nothing about me. Getting help was the hardest thing I ever did because I thought it was going to mean I was a failure and people would judge me. Find that safe space. Get help. People can help you get out of your own way and can speak truth into you when you have lost the ability to find truth within yourself.

Releasing Shame and Self Blame

SPEAKER_01 28:40

There are so many. Let's look at Hollywood to start with. There's so many people that have been cheated on where you're like, they are absolutely drop dead, gorgeous. Why would they be cheated on? So if those people can be cheated on, it can make sense. What else would you say to people who are stuck in that to help them see that no, that's not true.

Hurt People Hurt

SPEAKER_02 29:13

When people make decisions, they make decisions based on who they are. If I choose to steal or lie or cheat, it's because of who I am. It has nothing to do with who you are. And we tend to internalize and we tend to personalize. But if you can zoom out just for a minute and think about the times you have done something wrong, we've all done something bad at one point or another. We do it because of what's going on inside of us. We do it because of our own pain. We do it out of pain. All bad behavior truly is born from our own pain. So it's about the cheater, it's about the betrayer, it's about the liar. It has nothing to do with you at all.

Rock Solid Identity

SPEAKER_01 30:15

I love that my mom with one of her quotes that she said a lot to me growing up is hurt people, hurt people. Yes. You look back at history, even history within family members. It's so true. Yeah. And if you look back at your own life, when you've made terrible choices, what are the chances you were hurting? Pretty much all the time. Yeah. Wow. So this already went super deep. And this is what we're talking about. So what are some of those true gifts?

SPEAKER_02 30:55

I think the biggest one is that true creation of your identity. I know who I am. People can judge me, they can misjudge me, they can love me or hate me, and it doesn't change who I am. And I think for so many of us, for so long, how we feel about ourselves is how other people see us. If people like us, we're like, yay, I'm doing so good. And if people don't like us, we're like, oh, this is just terrible. It's the gift of this rock solid identity of who I am. And when I say who I am, I really mean that I am. I am a soul, I am a spirit, I am good, I am kind. It's not about my titles, it's not about my size, it's not about how much money I make, it's about this incredible spiritual being that I am, and that is so powerful and so beautiful, and it creates such a deep level of peace because I know myself, and now I'm comfortable showing myself, and judgment doesn't impact me, and then my ability to trust myself is so much higher because I'm not seeking to please, I'm not proving my words, I don't have to perform anymore, I just get to be me, and it feels incredible.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

So much came up with that for me. Yeah, about how different it would be for your life for everybody listening. Like we're doing the work on ourselves from the beginning. We're starting to add that buffer for when hardships come because in this life we have obstacles.

unknown 33:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

And I just record a podcast episode, it's going to come out a month from when this book goes out. That is about the importance of having solo travel and spending time alone. And it sounds like that was super important for you to be doing the work of therapists and also having time alone. I'm sure you did journaling and a lot of other things that helped you to reflect on who you are separate from your family, from your work, from whatever other labels that you have. When I'm away from all of this and I'm by myself, who am I? What's really at my core, separate from all the do you think of Shrek, all the onion layers? So what else? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

I think there's also this oneness almost. Betrayal has been, it's a human condition. If you go back, even you know, in the Bible, Judas betraying Jesus started it all. We would not have any other story if it wasn't for Judas. And look throughout history, all the betrayals are always catalysts, and they're always catalysts for pretty amazing things. It's not that everybody chooses to take that catalyst and rise. Sometimes, yeah, the catalyst happens and people crumple. But it's the catalyst, and just knowing wow, I have been gifted this catalyst. What do I get to do with it? Because absolutely I can crumple and I can shrink and I can spend the rest of my life bitter and hateful and a victim and telling everybody how awful it is. That's my choice. Or wow, I can use this fuel to really rewrite the narrative for myself. I mean, there are pivotal moments, but this is such an important pivotal moment, and why not make the most of it?

Breaking Ancestral Cycles

SPEAKER_01 35:21

So it sounds like this could have happened for your husband a long time ago, but it was delayed. So it makes sense that he self-sabotaged and he sabotaged the relationship. So think about this for yourself. For all of you who know in your core you need to do some healing, and you've been putting it off because if you look back, she said that her husband had was betrayed in his childhood with all the abuse. He was absolutely betrayed. Do you have work to do that you put off from when you were betrayed? And it can even be when you were a child. Then you are absolutely doing things in your life that are sabotaged. And you can be betraying yourself further because he absolutely was betraying himself, not just his family. And I'm saying family because he betrayed his children too with it. So there was a lot of work that was done with the children as well. I just wanted to take a minute to talk about that because there are so many things in our lives that we have had maybe betrayal with a lower case that we haven't taken care of. And there's trauma associated with that as well. So what's the next guess?

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Yeah. You led right into it with what you said. It's that ancestral layer, it's that fire line from the past to the present to the future. And yes, there was a lot of betrayal in his family, and he came at it and he passed it on. And it wasn't until this all broke that the awareness came that whoa, no more. We are doing the healing now. We are not passing this on to our kids. We're addressing it, we're talking about it. And what's actually beautiful about this, too, his relationship with the kids is better now. Because before he was defensive, before he was protect protective of himself, before he had something to hide. He couldn't be vulnerable. So he's a better father. And going back to his family of origin, now he is uncovering all of these things because he's talking about the abuse. So now he's talking to other cousins and they're sharing their abuse stories. And they just got together about two months ago, a bunch of cousins. And I mean, it's horrific abuse, but these cousins are saying, I never spoke of this. I thought I was the only one. And it's creating ripples of healing to the entire extended family because all of these humans, these beautiful humans, saw they were alone. There was a lot of sexual abuse. They thought they were being abused because they did something wrong, because they caused it. And most of the people are being between age 40 and 60, they're realizing for the first time ever, no, I didn't cause this. No, I wasn't alone. And I have got to start addressing this.

Shame To Sharing

SPEAKER_01 38:41

And I want to take another minute right there. If you have any moments in your childhood that are like this, I want you to look at it as an adult. And it's not you that it happened to, it's another child. Would you blame that child? Once I was able to look at it that way, I was able to have justified anger instead of the shame. And I was able to have healing from it that way. And then, of course, I needed to heal the anger part, but it made a huge difference for me to be able to let go and be like, oh no, no, I would not do this to my children. Like, how dare you? This is absolutely wrong. And I was able to do that inner healing, the child part of inner healing. It's a lot of work. And some people call it shadow healing as well. There's a lot of different terms for it for those who are listening. And what's interesting is I interviewed, I can't even tell you how long ago, Betrayal Coach, and she said the same thing that both of them have a better relationship with their children than they did before. Obviously, they do as a couple, but it was amazing to realize that they do have their children. And what shocked me from what you were saying is that the cousin, so it definitely shows that it went back several generations. Yes. It makes me wonder if I spoke to my cousins, what would come up as well? Very interesting. So I hope other people who are listening, they take that opportunity. And then another thing that came up for me, I don't know how many of you have heard of Brene Brown, but she has some really great quotes about shame, and I'm totally going to book through this quote. But when you share whatever big secret you've been hiding, once you let it see the light of day, you no longer have shame about it. When you're hiding it, and I told you, I'm not even paraphrasing it correctly. So you guys can go ahead and email me with the correct quote if you really feel like it. But it makes such a huge difference. And I'm curious how that was for you. And then we'll continue down the spiritual path.

SPEAKER_02 41:04

Yeah, absolutely. Because you start sharing it and you receive compassion from people, you receive understanding from people. And in my mind, it was this huge, enormous monster out there. And you share it, you're like, oh, wow, that wasn't that bad. Oh wow, people relate to that. Oh, it's it's not about me. And it ends up validating, no, it's not about me, and I'm okay. And it's not that this is not a big deal, of course it's a big deal, but it's not my fault. I'm not a bad girl, I'm not a failure, I'm not wrong. It just happened and things happen, and it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

And I think that even goes for the other side. If any of you are listening to this, and you are the one who's being unfaithful, and this could be in intimacy, this could be financially. There's so many ways to betray. If you're the one doing this, then it shows right there that you need to start sharing it. Let it see some light, and you will start to find the help. Because that is the biggest thing. It isolates you, you feel lonely, you feel depressed, you can't see your way through. You keep falling off the bandwagon when you're trying on your own. And you can put this through several different ways in your life. That this makes sense, that it just makes such a big difference when you start opening up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:41

My husband, when he started sharing and we started talking, I mean, what's not easy, it is embarrassing, it does create shame, but the relief he has felt it's an enormous weight off of his shoulders. So many people, when he has shared the story, have nothing but compassion for him and understanding for him. And of course, there's people that are unhealed themselves that then say, How dare you, and get very angry. But that's their wounding. Without fail, the people in our lives love him more and accept him more for his honesty and for his bravery in standing in here and doing the work.

SPEAKER_01 43:36

And he gets to be the example for other people of I need to do some work, even if they're not struggling with the same thing. That's a spiritual gift right there. Who went?

Acceptance Over Judgment

SPEAKER_02 43:47

It's a huge gift. I think there's also a gift of understanding that everything truly can be for our benefit. That life has a lot of twists and turns and ups and downs. And we really can use it to our benefit. And when we humble ourselves and grow and ask, what is of it for me? What can I learn from this? When we approach life from that state of curiosity as opposed to moral judgment, it gets really good. And that is a huge gift to not judge others. And along those same lines, people will so often say to me, Do you forgive him or was it hard to forgive? And I like to say, I don't feel like I am in a position to forgive or not to forgive. I'm not the moral judge of anybody. I feel more like it was acceptance. I had to get to a place of acceptance that he made these decisions, that he was hurt, that he was broken, that it impacted me, but it impacted the kids. And I can accept that all of that happened. And because all of that happened, there were a lot of positive ripples. He needs to forgive himself. But I do not morally sit above him in judgment. I can forgive myself, he can forgive himself, and we can find acceptance and peace with each other.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

You just answered what I was gonna ask. Was it about forgiving yourself?

SPEAKER_00 45:32

Yes.

Start The Hard Talks

SPEAKER_01 45:35

Are there any more gifts? You know, there's probably a million more small gifts, but I think those are the big ones. And then what was we were gonna lead this way? Oh how is it that you help people faster than you help yourself? Because of course you had to go on this journey for yourself first.

SPEAKER_02 45:59

Yes, I did. I think the way that I help people the most is I make it about you, I soften it, and I make it about your awareness of yourself. It's not a couple's issue. And it's easy to say, well, he cheated, it's his problem, he did it. Yes, and maybe he can be working on himself. But if there were something to work on in you, what might it be? Well, nothing. I did everything right. That's wonderful. So let's start looking at the ways maybe you betrayed yourself. You didn't have solid boundaries, you didn't follow through, you played the bit of a martyr, you were a bit victim-y, you sacrificed yourself. Let's start looking at those things because life is a mirror. But if there's betrayal externally, let's look within and find out where there's betrayal going on internally.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

And I think that's even more important for this question. Um what are some indications that you might need to start having some of these conversations on how to even start them?

SPEAKER_02 47:16

You are scared of the other it's hard to start because there's so much fear, there's so much shame, there's so much defensiveness that comes up. If you look at those stats, it's actually terrifying that that it's like 70% of relationships have some sort of infidelity. Now, defined infidelity, it can be looking up porn, it can be chatting with somebody on Facebook, it can be a full-blown sexual affair, it can be so many different things. But the fact of the matter is a lot of people are engaging in behavior that the other person doesn't know about. And I think a really good place to start is to get curious, not from a place of judgment, not from it. If you ever cheated on me, you know what I would do. Nothing like that. But just to have some softening, to maybe share a story of a time when somebody cheated on you, you cheated on somebody else, I cheated on a boyfriend in college. You know, it's something that many people have engaged in behavior that is not perfect. And just have conversations around what did that feel like to you when I did this, I was feeling scared, I was feeling broken. And just to have some very general, calm conversations around what it means, self-betrayal. When I cheated on my boyfriend in college, I did it because I was terrified, I was afraid, I didn't know how to communicate, and I thought he was gonna leave me. Those were my reasons. Let's self-reflect on our worst times and get vulnerable and share with each other.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

That's honestly the best place to start is with you. And it sounds like that goes back to the beginning of a relationship. And what can go wrong with losing that vulnerability?

SPEAKER_02 49:37

Because we love our partners and we want to look good in their eyes, but then we lose that fear, we lose that vulnerability.

SPEAKER_01 49:46

And we also it's natural to evolve. We are not the same person as when we first started the relationship, and sometimes the problem can be is that one of us evolved and the other one is left behind. So we need to make sure that we're continuing to evolve and state what's called our love map, so our own map of the person as well as ourselves, yeah, and that comes with that still being vulnerable and that communication and making sure that you're sharing with each other thing. I feel like that is a great preventative measure.

SPEAKER_02 50:27

Yeah, it is, and then also when we don't know the answers to share that too. I feel like I'm changing. I feel like motherhood changed me. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. This is what used to be important, it no longer is. I used to feel confident having these conversations. Suddenly I don't even know where to begin. We don't have to know the answers, but just share what's coming up along the way.

Somatic Healing Tools

SPEAKER_01 50:53

Well, it sounds like doing our own inner work and sharing with our significant other. Yes. Okay. So what is the holistic betrayal recovery? It sounds like a lot of what we've talked about. Are there any parts that we're missing?

SPEAKER_02 51:10

I think the thing that we didn't talk about the most was the cinemat piece, the body, the trauma, the energy, the impact that's stored in the body, how to move, how to rage dance. I do a lot of rage dancing, I do a lot of emotions. If you're angry, shadow box and move. Get it out of your body. Don't just stuff it in. Make that body move.

SPEAKER_01 51:34

What's shadow box?

SPEAKER_02 51:36

It's just like pretending you're kidding somebody, you know, just dancing around and like punch, punch, punch in the air, kind of like arrow boxing.

SPEAKER_01 51:44

Okay.

unknown 51:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:50

We didn't have enough indoor PE space. So when the weather was bad, we would go to the small room and there was a TV and we do Tybo. Yes. Like that. That I can still remember the instructor in the video. Anyway. That's funny. Totally makes sense. Is there anything that we're missing to complete this conversation before we head into how to work with you?

SPEAKER_02 52:17

I think we really wrapped it up. It's just addressing everything on all ends. It's not just a mental problem, it's just an emotional problem. It's making sure we tie all aspects, all dimensions of who we are into the way we heal.

Hope And Next Steps

SPEAKER_01 52:36

And really understanding the pro part really makes sense. Why all of these things go together? The hypnotherapy, somatic, yoga is amazing. Yes. Integrated healing, mind, body, this all makes sense. And I can see how it all stacks together and how you needed to take on more and more learning throughout your own healing journey. And you needed that to be able to then turn around and help other people. And that that reminder that we can only take people as far as we healed ourselves. Of course, that shared a lot in the coaching space, but it makes sense for even the general population. And is there anything that you want to leave people with that's more of a hope? I'll give them a little bit of hope.

SPEAKER_02 53:33

Yeah, and I'm glad that you said hope because it does feel so hopeless to people. And my life is so much better than it's ever been. And here's the biggest hope. I have never, ever worked with somebody whose worst fears have come true. I have never, ever worked with somebody who said, this is just still some par lies, it'll just never be that good. Every single person I have ever met or worked with ends up having a better, healthier, happier story than they ever would have before.

SPEAKER_01 54:08

And that's even if they choose to link relationships.

SPEAKER_02 54:12

Yes. Because they know, they know without a doubt that they need to stay or that they need to go. And there's no question and there's no regret, and they're more firmly who they are, and they can advocate and create on their own behalf.

SPEAKER_01 54:28

And they've done enough of the work that they're not going to repeat it. Yes. The thing is, and this goes with anything, not just betrayal, is if you're not healing a certain part of you, you are going to continue having that same hurdle until you finally heal from it. And then it kind of video game style that hurdle just drops down.

unknown 54:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:58

Yeah. And the lessons are gonna get harder and harder, so you might as well just take them on now.

Where To Find Laura

SPEAKER_01 55:05

You get to choose when, or you're gonna let life choose. For me, I like to be in control because of childhood stuff. I'm gonna choose when I'm gonna do my healing. Thank you for it. Yes. So tell us where to find you.

SPEAKER_02 55:18

My website is Laura Cheadle.com and I spell Laura L O R A. I'm on Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook is Laura Cheadle, and on YouTube is Laura Cheadle Life's choreographer.

SPEAKER_01 55:31

And you will find all the links in the show description. But if anybody's like me and the next episode auto plays, I really love to have people so you at least have somebody who told you. And you can start to Google it when you come back to it later.

unknown 55:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:47

And I was gonna say too, for people like that who just autoplay, I've got a free betrayal recovery guide at betrayal recoveryguide.com. And that way you don't have to think about spelling my name or who was it. You can just think, oh, it's betrayal and it's a recovery and it's a guide. Go there, get the guide, my website's on that. You can track it from there.

SPEAKER_01 56:07

That is perfect because there's so many times where I'll try and go back to the episode, and I try and replay 30 seconds, no, 15 seconds to find out what the spelling is, especially if they need or something that's on their healing journey, and it's not in the show description. So perfect. The betrayal guide.com. Betrayal recovery guide.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:31

Betrayal recoveryguide.com.

SPEAKER_02 56:34

You got it.

Grounding And Wrap Up

SPEAKER_01 56:35

Thank you. Thank you. Amazing. And there's so many times during this conversation, I just wanted to put my hand on my heart for you, for listeners, for myself who just we got this. And this was such a heavy topic. So for those who are still feeling a little bit triggered, remember, tell us again. For those who are struggling, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:04

Feel it. It's okay. If you can relax or breathe, wonderful. Take a walk. Go take a walk. Move that body, but don't force yourself or judge yourself to relax. Just do what you need to do. Bounce, breathe, shake, shimmy, and let it flow.

SPEAKER_01 57:25

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope that you found the answers that you needed and you had some amazing aha moments. Please share this episode with others because it helps us align ourselves and then better align the world so that we can seek the healing that we really are looking for. As part of the legal language, I am a certified life coach with a bachelor's in applied health. That is what I am leaning on for this. This is general advice taken as such. See you in the next episode.