S4 E41 - Melania: The Early Years

Tonight our hosts take a deep dive into the life and history of our first lady by interviewing Susan Schwartz, who claims to be Melania's adoptive mother. Is she really her mother? Is Melania actually Marsha Schwartz from Long Island, NY? Tune in and find out!

Susan Schwartz - Eric Green

Steve - Steve

Jeff - Jeff

Music by The Steve and Jeff Show Band

#satire #comedy #melania #firstlady #firstfamily #rfkjr #sabotage #reflectingpool #nokings #bombing #iran #qatar #airforceone #iqtest #longisland #epstein #einsteinvisa

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

We walk into the Steven Show. It's funny. Like to go. So stay happy to go. Comedy's master chest. Cook in the trouble making beautiful mess. Lab your ears and bring your laugh Jack Fred. And now here's Steve and Jeff.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Well, hey, thanks for singing us in, Steve and Jeff's show band. And I tell you what, if you needed proof that satire is the new reality, I don't know if you know this, but RFK Jr. has started a healthy cooking show. I mean, I think he called it something like cooking on the road or something like that. You know, I I I tried to watch some of it, but you know, I just couldn't. I I'm thinking, you know, I'm watching this and I'm thinking, if I'm gonna take health advice from a former heroin addict, I choose Keith Richards. Oh, oh, and by the way, as the listeners know, I've had a lot of trouble with my sound in the last few shows. It's really been bad. I think it's sabotage. I think that that engineer, you know, he took a box cutter and he slid a 350-foot gash into my audio. Now, hopefully we got it fixed, but I let me tell you, indictments are on the horizon.

SPEAKER_03 1:23

Oh, well, and and Antifa is everywhere. Oh, I think it's going good, and I'm looking forward to that cooking show too. I heard that he's really gonna focus on his cooking method. Yeah, he abbreviates it a little bit, but yeah, you're but it's kind of it's the same, similar, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah, you're you're down there down the same street, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:43

No, I'm doing great. We just came back from the condo. We had a whole family there, and and it was great. How have you been?

SPEAKER_00 1:50

I've been good. I've been, I guess, better than the king from what I hear. You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I almost feel sorry for the guy. He just wants friends. Now, unfortunately, his method of getting friends is he bombs them until they like you. So he's just bombing and bombing and bombing as much as and you know, he bombs constantly with such little results. I mean, that can really that can take it out of you.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

In fairness, we say that's little results, but I mean, by the time he got done bombing Iran, you know, there was no army and no air force and no marines and no electricity and no air. And by the time he's done now, you know, soon there'll be no straits, probably only gays. That bombing actually was pretty effective.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Oh, I'm not talking about the war or excuse me, I mean the excursion, the vacation, the adventure in Iran. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the White House Correspondence Center. He bombed a lot there. Oh boy. That was like 30 seconds over DC or something. Yeah, but when I say bombing, it really is all part of our king's negotiating strategy. It's like how he tries to make friends. You know, he wants to make a deal with CNN, let's say. So he bombs them, uh, which will lead to a great deal, a grand bargain. And you know, also if the dinner was on Friday, he wouldn't have bombed. It would have been nothing but funny games.

SPEAKER_03 3:14

And who says that he bombed them with jokes? Because I thought the jokes were pretty funny. I don't hear complaints from Jon Stewart or Dave Chappelle or Bill Maher. Well, Bill Maher is now, you know, uh, I think he may be a joke writer.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

I think Bill Maher said thanks for the steak dinner.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

But you you don't hear complaints from them. And I heard a review from Rob Schneider. You know, he said it was the best thing he's ever seen. And you know how funny he is.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yeah, no, I believe it's the best thing he's ever heard, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:46

And if you ask me, Sean Hannity, I know that he loved it. He thinks the king's the funniest guy in the world.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

I'm sure he does, but you know it isn't a joke. I tell you, the king's plane, you know, that Air Force Trump, that that whole Qatari Safari, whatever, you know. Turns out that the deal he made with Cutter was good for the family, but not so much for him.

SPEAKER_03 4:12

Yeah, I was up in the lake, so I didn't get a lot of news. What why what happened?

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Of course, you know that the King's family got this free plane from Cutter. They threw in a pilot, and the whole thing is, well, he's gonna use that, he's gonna take that to his library, which gosh, it's gotta be like one of those things you see in you know mailboxes in some towns where they have like uh paperback, you know, take one, leave one. Uh that's probably gonna be his library, but but I digress. He threw in the pilot, so uh he was thrilled until he was flying with his queen, of course. They were flying from the Middle East to a golf course in New Jersey, or maybe it was one in Florida, maybe the one in Scotland, I forget which one it was, but it was the one that nobody likes. But I digress. So right after the takeoff, the king says, You know, I think I'll throw a thousand dollar bill out the window and make some American happy. So now Melania, who was flying with them, said, Well, why don't you throw ten one hundred dollar bills and make ten Americans happy?

SPEAKER_03 5:10

She was always really smart, really mad.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Oh, yeah, well, and she and she and she cares about the fair distribution of wealth. We we know that, right? I mean, yeah, you know, Barron was there too, and he he took his took his eyes off the Tate brothers trial for a few seconds and said, uh, you know, it'd be even better if you threw $1,000 one dollar bills and then you make a thousand people happy. So you know you know, the pilot the cutter threw in here that says who was flying the plane. He's got the door open, he he's hearing all this. Just about had enough. So he he turns and says, Hey, why don't all of you jump out the window and make the entire country happy?

SPEAKER_03 5:49

You know, uh that kind of makes sense on some levels. So uh what I but I bet the king probably didn't take this in the the manner that it was delivered. So what what did the king do?

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Oh yes, well our king obviously had no intention of throwing money out of the plane unless his family was on the ground picking it up, right?

SPEAKER_04 6:07

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

So he goes up, he throws the pilot off the plane, had him arrested while he was falling for being a member of Antifa. Uh so he's gonna be posthumously imprisoned. But then he realizes the plane wasn't safe because uh, you know, nobody's flying it, right? So they had to go back to Air Force One, the the old one, you know, the one that he said was was terrible. Uh he loves it now. Well, that was a smart move. Oh, yeah. Well, uh well, but but it does remind you how dangerous it is to be in the first family. And you know, really, Jeff, uh you know, we criticize them a lot, but how brave they all are. Uh you know, especially with how popular the king is around the world. You know, you've got to be really brave to believe that. So maybe we should recognize some of the other members of the royal family, you know, and start to get to know them. And no better place to start, I would say, than our first lady Melania or Melanoma. Wait, no, Melania. Jeff, I found the perfect person to help with that. Uh no who better could help with uh with that than her mom. Well, at least I I think it's her mom. Her name is Susan Schwartz. You know, you know, I got high with the Susan Schwartz in Brooklyn years back. That couldn't be her. Maybe, I don't know, but I digress. Her name is Susan Schwartz, and she made a movie, of course, since film is the Melania medium. You know, Susan got in touch with us a few weeks ago. She's promoting her movie about raising Melania. I think it's called Raising Melania. But I you know, I understand it's it's based on her unauthorized, unsubstantiated, and unlikely memoirs about the first lady. I don't know who she really is, but uh, you know, hey, that's why she's here. That's why we do a show. So let's all find out together. She's really just the other side of that glass. Let's welcome to the show, Miss Susan Schwartz.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

Oh, hello, boys. And again, Miss Schwartz is my father's name. Please call me Susan. Actually, uh my mom's uh last name was Mrs. Greenstein, but anyway, just call me Susan. It's it's Susan.

SPEAKER_03 8:15

Well, thank you too for coming on the show, Susan. It's it's great to have you.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

Well, thank you for having me on, boys. You both look amazing.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Yeah, well, thank you. So let's see if we can start from the beginning. To be honest with you, I just don't know a lot about Melania. So let's start at the beginning. Now, according to some of the notes I read about your movie, Melania was born on June 6th, 1992, which is funny because I always thought Melania was quite a bit older than that, given the fact that Baron's already 20. So is that correct? Did I did I read that wrong?

SPEAKER_02 8:54

Oh, uh that that is true. Uh Marsha had Baron right after her bar mitzvah. You know, the the two can I can still remember the service like it was yesterday. Okay, she she wore a two-piece outfit that uh left very nothing to the imagination, uh, especially for all the you know the Jewish boys in her eighth grade Sunday school class. And I remember the king sitting next to Uncle Jeffrey just beaming, you know, just such a just a proud parent. I mean boyfriend.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Well that that sounds even better than Eddie Solomon's part of mitzvah. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

Is that where you met your old girlfriend? Or end up marrying your old girlfriend, she married him, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

I mean, go go figure, right?

SPEAKER_03 9:36

You know, yeah, yeah, that's fascinating. And it sounds like there was like a who's who of people at the at the bot mitzvah. So, but I still think Melania seems a lot older. I I don't know what it is about her, and and who is Marsha?

SPEAKER_02 9:50

Oh, but well, Marsha is Melania's real name before she changed it. You know, see, and I guess it she seems older since she had such a full life already. And and as she says, her brain is very high, you know. She she passed the same intelligence chest the king talked about, and she only did it 12 tries, though. You know, sometimes she she kids Donald about it all the time, and she would have passed it sooner, but whoever drew the baboon did a very good job. Clearly, most people would think it was the rat, you know. It it does look a lot like the vice president, though.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Yeah, same thing. So, what you saying, Melania is Jewish and from Long Island? I I never knew that.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

That's correct. I mean, we lived there our whole lives, okay? And that's where I met my husband, Sai. So we met there at a dime a dance mixer at the temple after the war. Love at first sight. Oh, I still say if I had a nickel for every time I think about the night we met, I'd have enough for two dances. He was the life of person. Uh, we locked eyes. I locked eyes with his tukas, and we just went on.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

That just sounds so romantic. So you guys wound up adopting Melania. Yeah, tell us a little bit about how that came about.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Okay. Well, well, as you all probably know from her amazing uh movie, if you call it that, we we adopted Marcia as a young infant. And then as I recall, we adopted her from the National Adoption Zone for Infants or in AZI, you know, and I know they went out of business and got into some trouble with Obama's Justice Department. What a shame. Since they really did do good work. I mean, I know Marsha says it all the time. Just another example of weaponizing the justice system. And it was obvious that the Nazi staff were only at the Capitol to deliver a baby to Nancy Pelosi, you know. I mean, that's why they were yelling out a name. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Yeah, and I mean, fortunately, our king pardoned the owners and they make a comeback, you know. I mean, I hear they're adopting a new agency, you know, a new service. It's it's called M-A-W-A, a Mawa, you know. And it's make adoption white again. It should be very popular, especially in the red states.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

Yeah, I'm sure it will be. I, you know, I'm in Illinois, so I guess we won't be able to take advantage of it.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

But yeah, oh, it'll be all over Nebraska. I'll tell you about it. It'll be all over Nebraska. It might be the headquarters here. I'll tell you about it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Maybe two-thirds in Nebraska. Two-thirds in Nebraska, correct? Exactly. Two-thirds of Nebraska, possible. Yes. They really want to get that in that third spot, though, to be fair. They do.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Oh, they keep trying. They try. They try.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Exactly. Again. Anyways, we adopted Marsha to instant and instantly just fell in love with her. I mean, she had beautiful long brown hair, which was kind of odd for an infant. But but she also had the sweetest voice we have ever heard. Oh, that's so nice. I bet she was a really good baby, right? Oh, absolutely. She was so smart, uh, had a thirst for learning uh German chocolate cake. I remember that, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Oh, who would like that? Yeah. Who doesn't like a little bit of German chocolate? But but I guess our biggest challenge with her was when she made a mistake, she would get very upset and then blame her siblings or her aunt Tifa, I think is what she said. Sometimes calling her horrible names. Okay, almost like she had like juvenile Tourette syndrome, and then some of the things that came out of her mouth were very hard to hear, and not just because of the accent.

SPEAKER_03 13:32

Well, I I can imagine. So one thing that is interesting to me is her accent that you brought up. Yeah, it it doesn't sound like she's from Long Island, and I I always assumed she was from Eastern Europe, you know, like sort of like that Hungarian accent that you know Mrs. Douglas had on Green Acres. So you know, what is the story with that?

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Yeah, well again, well, okay, this is kind of the sad part about it, and she loved everything about Eastern Europe, especially during uh, I think she called it the big war. You know, often she had wished she'd lived there. You know, we used to play with dolls and pretended she was an Austrian princess whose family was killed by the Germans. So uh we were okay with that, but after a little while she started talking like one all the time. Okay. We we took it to the doctor who actually diagnosed her as uh suffering from Bavarian dysmorphia, as I say, where a person forgets what they talk like and adopts a German accent.

SPEAKER_04 14:39

Uh that sounds very rare. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

I mean, usually kids do that and they want to fit in, or they or they take over their school, you know. But but but with Marsha, it it was because she adored the beauty of German people, uh, especially the the blonde-haired and blue-eyed people, God's people, as as she was calling them. Uh I I know what you're thinking. She she has brown hair, so that's not gonna work out. But but she always used to say inside she was one of them, you know. And I think, you know, I think that's kind of true to this day.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Sarah, so let me see if I understand that. Or Susan. Yeah, Susan, let me see. Susan, let me let me see.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

I'm Susan. We were talking about yeah, yeah. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

Sarah, Sarah's is her uh father's name.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

I get confused. I I confuse easily. So so Susan, yeah, uh, if you adopted her uh and you guys were residents of Long Island, she didn't really need that Einstein visa after all, did she?

SPEAKER_02 15:42

Well, yeah, I mean she and the king used to joke uh that if anything they needed an Epstein visa, but no, no, no. She she didn't she didn't need one. I mean, I guess I guess it's good that there's one less immigrant in the country. I mean, although with her looks, she would have been very welcome here anyway. It became it became such a joke that the king actually created a a fake green card for Marcia, which she she posed for in a sexy two-piece outfit. Again, also leaving as little to the imagination. It was it was so funny.

SPEAKER_03 16:19

Well, I'd like to get a a look at that green card. She's certainly welcome in my country, which I guess this one is.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

You know, but but somehow I don't think we would be. So you know, Susan, can you can you tell us a little bit about the courtship of Melania or Marcia as you call her? The courtship she had with our kid. Yeah, but like where where'd they meet? How'd that how'd that start?

SPEAKER_02 16:42

Uh well well, as as I recall, uh they first met at a sleepaway camp. Okay, she she just graduated from uh seventh grade and was quite mature for her age. But but still we were a little worried about sending her to Florida uh because it was so far away, plus it was it was so expensive. And again, usually they don't go to Florida until they're about ready to die. And she was very much in her prime. But but we filled out the application, including uh including a photo, one left nothing to the imagination, and one that we were and one day we were happy that she got you know accepted. She we we were told all expenses paid. We we were so happy. Yeah, yeah. They they even sent a limo to pick her up and take her to the airport. Uh, I went to say our king was uh I want to say our king was a camp counselor of the camp and a part-time owner with uh Miss Oh, what was the last name? I think it was Maxwell. Uh, but I'm not I'm not completely sure.

SPEAKER_03 17:41

My grandson just came back from a sleepaway camp, and you know, but I I I don't know if the term is exactly a a common term now. I don't know what they call them, sleep away or sleep with or sleep sleeping camp. I'm not I'm not real sure. Sleep camp.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Is that what they're traffic away camp? Maybe I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

Yeah, something something of that nature. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, but but again, I want I want to emphasize this. She was never alone, really. I mean, she always someone was always looking at her. Uh I mean, uh after her, uh especially Uncle Donald, you know. Uh I remember the king joking that and then since she owned a share of the camp, he could make sure all the kids were in their pajamas and safe by doing nighttime inspections, you know. So between the king and Miss Maxwell, nothing could go wrong, you know. It was just it was love, you know, it was love at first sight. I it's hard to say since it was dark in the cabin. So I don't know when exactly the first you know sight came between them two. But um, you know, uh it was pretty dark in those cabins, and unlike the king, she she didn't have a flashlight. So, you know, the next day she was in love with him for sure.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

A romantic love story, or uh at least the beginning of love. I I can't believe we've been talking so long, and we're only just beginning her extraordinary life, really. You know, so we're just a little kid here. Maybe we can have you on again, um hopefully soon, maybe real soon, and and talk about her teenage years and ultimately tying the knot with the king. You know, and plus this this might be a good time to do a little research into her life and yours to make sure we were cool with our attorney, you know, you know, you know, the king loves to sue.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

Oh, for sure. He and Masha have sued me plenty of times already. And and yes, I would love to come back on soon. Thank you for having me on. And if you get a chance, try to get Baron's nanny on your show. Yeah, she is fascinating and she can tell you so much about the childhood and the upbringing of you know, I think that's a good idea.

SPEAKER_03 19:51

Although, from what I remember, was it a documentary I saw a long time ago where the nanny actually fell out a three-story window and and broke her neck?

SPEAKER_02 20:02

I'm not sure, but yeah, gravity works different around the first royal couple, so yeah, that that happens a lot.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

And it may have been the first nanny, you know. I think later there was another nanny with a German accent that was a little better equipped to handle bearing.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

More of a controller, I think. Yeah, more of a handler. More of a handler.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

But I I am looking forward to you coming back on the show again, and there's so much I want to know about Melania. For example, what was it like to be married to such a devoted man, a powerful man, a rich man? And is she really a member of of Mensa?

SPEAKER_00 20:39

I'd like to know that too, but I've heard that you and Lindsay Graham used to go on shopping sprees every year on Good Friday. You'd spend a few hours at dress barn and then to the steakhouse, which you know is pretty empty on Good Friday after all. So I'd love to hear about that too.

SPEAKER_03 20:54

Me too. And there's even more I want to hear about. You know, I don't know like what's it like. I I was raised, my brother and sister were my real brother and sister, but um, in the case of Melania.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

Well, that's unusual, yeah, right?

SPEAKER_03 21:06

Yeah, well, at least I think they were. But in the case of Melania, she was merged with two other sets of kids, or at least one set of kids. And I just wonder what that was like living with these kids, you know, and and I heard a rumor that the king had a second daughter named Tiffany, and I don't know if that's true. And what was it like with Eric, you know, being on the spectrum, you know, just though there's I have so many questions.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Oh, and we have got to learn more about that movie. You know, there's just there's just so much acting talent in the family. I mean, you've got Melania, you've got RFK Jr., you got Stormy Daniels. Wait, oh, so anyway, so much more to learn. I I really I just can't wait. I really look forward to that next show. Let's see each other soon. And tell you what, Steve and Jeff Show Band, sing us on out of here.

SPEAKER_06 22:03

This has been a naked green card production in association with I really don't care. Do media. Read all about our host at stevenjeff.com. Now we would like to sing you out of the show with a song we played at March's shorts and spot. Let's go back in 2005. This is the point when I need everybody to get out on a dance floor. Just like that.

SPEAKER_05 22:29

You know, just like the same.