S4 E45 - Foreign Affairs

With the midterm elections coming up, our hosts take a moment to offer a report card on where we are. Like a lot of report cards over the years, they'll want to hide this one.

Steve - Steve

Jeff - Jeff

Music by The Steve and Jeff Show Band

#satire #comedy #podcast #war #iran #economy #affordability #gaza #china #canada #denmark #nato #politics #reportcard #kushner #fraud #corruption 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_03 0:35

Well, hey, Steven's Jeff Show band. Thanks for singing us in. And Jeff. Jeff, it is so great to be back in the studio on this hot, sweltering, humid night. How you doing, Jeff? I like the way you say that. It's very arousing. Hi, I aim to arouse. Sometimes I arouse to get the aim.

SPEAKER_04 0:55

Well, yeah. And you know what? I need to be careful though. I don't want to get too aroused because, as you know, I'm having shoulder surgery this weekend.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

Well, that could interfere with the recovery. Oh, yeah. No, you know, you need to do the left hand. Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:07

You know, just being strapped down is arousing to me. Yeah. The idea, you know, that that I'm going to have to deal with that, that that's a problem. You know, I didn't realize I've sort of practiced. I'm trying to use my left hand as much as I can. And I tried to practice, and I realized how much I use my arms and hands, both sides of them, around the house, and especially with my sex life.

SPEAKER_03 1:30

I'm sure you are you're looking at a really big challenge. Hopefully, that that show where the listeners made suggestions, called in, texted in, hopefully that helped. As far as your sex life is concerned, that probably is going to mean some dramatic changes.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

And concerned is a is a good term. I think Kathy's used that many times with related to our sex life.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

I think we're all a little concerned, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:53

Yeah, and and it's gonna be it's always dramatic, and it's always traumatic. And there's a lot of matics that yeah, automatics in front of it. Automatic. It is just hard to think of not being able to use my right hand, and I'm gonna have to learn to use my left hand.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

So oh, Jeff, just think of your youth. I'm sure you used both hands with equal vigor. You think of your youth. I personally I'd prefer not to think about it at all.

SPEAKER_04 2:21

Okay. It's funny that you say that though, because it's a podcast, it's a comedy podcast, so it would be well.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

It's good to say funny things. We do try to say funny things because it is a comedy podcast. If it was a news podcast, we'd try to say newsworthy things.

SPEAKER_04 2:37

It's newsy, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Or if it was a funeral, it would be like funeral or funeral things. We'd say funereal things.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

Funeral, yeah, yeah. If it was I if we had a Lithuanian podcast, I'd say Lithuanian things. You know, I mean it'd be lithium. Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah. Whatever.

SPEAKER_04 2:56

Anyways, so tell me what's been going on with you. I had to get the refocus here.

SPEAKER_03 3:00

Bring us back to back to the studio here, back to eccentric Lady Land Studios. Well, you know, actually, Teresa and I are planning a little vacation. We're gonna do a return trip to Paris. You know, we went to Paris on our honeymoon many years ago, right? Yeah, we're really excited to go back. Uh, it really is a wonderful place. Love Paris, so many cool things, brings back a lot of great memories. You know, thinking about the memories. The first time we went was on our honeymoon, you know. We're flying with Teresa. We we got an upgrade to first class. It was so cool. First class, first class in the U.S. is nice, but boy, first class when you're going across the ocean. Ooh, hey, that is a whole you get like this bed, you get a chair you can sleep, you know, lay down in. It's just, oh, it's it's really cool. She's laying down, she fell asleep. And so I'm, you know, I'm sitting there, it's a long flight. I'm sitting there. There was this beautiful woman sitting right across the aisle. And you know, the long flight, they're bringing him around the third snack on this really, you know, it's a long flight, right? So I turn to this woman, I say, What brings you to Paris? Well, she says, I'm a scientist. So I said, Wow, what kind of scientists? I research sex. So I you know, I was interested. So I I asked her, you know, what what have you discovered about sex in your research? She says, Well, this is interesting. I came to find out that Native Americans have the longest penises, and Spanish people can last the longest in bed. Wow. So she says, by the way, I'm Carol. What's your name? So I say, I'm I'm sitting in bull Hernandez. Nice, nice to meet you. And uh Teresa woke up, so that was kind of the end of the Damn it.

SPEAKER_04 4:42

Yeah, damn it. Well, those are good memories. Is that is that pretty much all you remember from your uh honeymoon?

SPEAKER_03 4:48

Well, from the flight, that's about all I remember. But other than we had a lot of snacks and a bunch of drinks, and yeah, you know, but Paris, oh my gosh, there was the Eiffel Tower, Sacre Court, Sacre Bleu, the days that are set to pleasure mode. What a wonderful trip.

SPEAKER_04 5:05

Well, that sounds like it. I love Paris. I've been to Paris as well, and I like traveling anywhere. You know, as an American citizen, we are loved everywhere. You know, we there is no limit. I mean, we we could go to Morocco or we could go to Paris or New Jersey or anywhere, and we are loved.

SPEAKER_03 5:25

That gets me thinking, you know, that is so true. And when we're talking about foreign affairs, the operative word there. Well, I didn't have because you know, she woke Teresa woke up. But you know, uh you know, we're talking really talking about the operative word there is affairs. Yeah, we're talking about love affairs, foreign love affairs. Actually, that reminds me of the feedback that we got from the episode that we did on the DOJ, or maybe I should say on the DODW, the Department of Domestic War, as the Department of Injustice, I mean justice is now called. Most people found that episode really valuable. Since really most people don't know and can't think of anything that this government is doing for us. It's kind of sad that we can't no one can think of anything. Now, of course, we hear how great our king is and what a great job he's doing based on him telling us that he's doing a great job. And he, you know, he really lowered the price of eggs, I gotta say, but you know, of course, raised the price of everything else. I think though we need to take a closer look at the record. You know, the midterm elections are coming up, and you know, we did have that one episode on on the DODW. Maybe we should make that a series to help educate the millions. Let's face it, Jeff. The millions that listen to this show, and you know, to gain some points with a weaponized FCC. Ooh, that never hurts. Uh maybe this could be part two of maybe we do like a four-part series, kind of a report guard, like how great things are going.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

Well, I think that's a great idea. You were mentioning foreign loves or foreign affairs, and maybe that's a really good place to start. Foreign affairs are it is an interesting category because most people don't vote based on foreign affairs, unless, of course, there's a lingering war. And you know, we don't have that because these are not wars that we're in.

SPEAKER_03 7:13

Yeah, we have a lingering vacation, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:16

Which everybody loves. Oh, yeah. Lingering vacation is nothing better. But as we have said, we are loved by everybody in the world, and it's good to take a snapshot and just see how how we're doing right now. You know, how much are we loved? We know that we're loved, but how much?

SPEAKER_03 7:30

Looking at foreign affairs, it okay, it does include racy love affairs, but it's not just racy love affairs, it's really about our standing in the world, uh, the level that we can be trusted to do what is best for the world, which of course that trickles down to what is best for us. You're you remember just like all that money trickled down? You know, I guess I was out of town the day that happened, but I heard it trickled down. Uh, but I digress. Uh speaking of trickling down, though, I I gotta ask, was that you in the bathroom earlier today? Uh we just, just last week got that cleaned, and those guys in hazmat suits are expensive.

SPEAKER_04 8:08

Yeah, guilty as charged, and you think it's a problem now. Wait until I have to use my left hand because that's oh man, that that could be a mess. And I think that would fall under the category of maybe studio affairs, you know.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

And affairs doing a lot of work there, but okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:24

Yeah, so you know, but I give myself an A plus because I at least I chose the right bathroom, yeah, or a bathroom, which hasn't always been the case.

SPEAKER_03 8:32

So you know, anyway, let's try to focus here a little bit on the on the on the foreign affairs here, you know. According to the king, you know, who gives himself these grades all the time, you know, his overall grade for foreign affairs is an A plus plus plus, which actually interestingly, it is down from last year, where it was a plus plus plus plus plus. That's five versus three for those in West Virginia. But uh he points out that we're 1200% better at foreign affairs than Biden was, and 1500% better than Obama. Now, those could be made-up numbers, but you know, they're impressive made-up numbers, right? And you know, really for those not aware of exactly what foreign affairs encompass, foreign affairs really includes how we work with other countries politically, economically, and militarily. So maybe a way to approach this is to look at each of those categories, the political, economic, and military. You want to take the first one? Why don't you take the first one?

SPEAKER_04 9:35

I think, well, should we try military? That's the one that it's the flashiest one, right? It's the one that everybody is pretty much aware of.

SPEAKER_03 9:42

It's on people's minds these days. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:44

Yeah, and from a military standpoint, I think we've done a great job. So, you know, you probably add a few pluses to that one. I don't know if he's gonna you lose some in the other two categories, but you know, we have been, according to the official records of our king, we have been in 27 wars since he took office. Uh what a little over a year and a half or whatever that was. He won all of them. 10 he ended before they even started. Those are hard to calculate. Yeah, it's hard to measure those.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

And see, most of the polling misses those because they didn't officially start. So they say, Well, we can't say it ended because it didn't start, but it was gonna start. So yeah, yeah, so but they missed those.

SPEAKER_04 10:27

Yeah, and then there were and then it looks like maybe the rest of them were we ended them after they were actually over. Again, I think Iran sort of fits in that category. You know, it's hard to measure, you know, was it over before we said it was over or after it's over or when it will be over? I'm not exactly sure. But except for the Iran war, you know, or vacation, all these wars were what Pete Hexeth calls not forever wars.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

You know, and that really is a lot of wars. And when you're talking about whether they can count if they are ended after they're over, I hearken back to the wise words of that Senator Bluto in Animal House, nothing is over until we decide it is. That's right. There you go. An oppressive list of wars. Can you read off the list of wars that we've been in? I mean, I can only remember one. Well, I two if you count Gaza, but three if you count the war on the press. Well, and and four if you count the war on our freedom. But I guess we don't count those. I know they don't. Just so I understand, do you count the wars we start ourselves and then end?

SPEAKER_04 11:40

A tree ends up in a war and nobody sees it. And how's the shot?

SPEAKER_03 11:45

Yes, right. Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 11:46

Did it shoot somebody? And I don't know the answer to that. It's a philosophical question. I don't have the complete list with me. Actually, I'm not sure if they have the complete list, but I don't think they have a complete list of anything. Yeah, no, but I think I think the number of wars that we ended that we didn't start or that we didn't provoke is zero. But if you count Gaza, well, the the king doesn't count Gaza, so I guess it's zero.

SPEAKER_03 12:16

But you know, but in fairness to the king, who ran for president on a no war promise, and then kind of changed it to no forever wars, and then ran on only vacations, he is mostly just put us at war to make more money and none of that woke regime change stuff or spreading freedom crap, you know, who wants to do that? You know, it's really it's all about you know making money. Now, occasionally he started the wars because the other country insulted his golf game or the size of his hands. But maybe the swelling in his diaper region. All good reasons, okay. And and look how much we've benefited from those wars.

SPEAKER_04 12:57

You're so right, and it's worked out really well. I mean, we for example, we kidnapped the president of Venezuela and put a puppet leader in its place, and look at how much oil we have gained as a result of that. I think the king says that Venezuela has more oil reserves than any country in the world, and they prove that every day with us. I mean, look, based on what's happening in Iran, gas prices should be fifty dollars a gallon and they're only four dollars. I mean, I think it Venezuela probably has a lot to do with that, and I think that's really how we measure how smart the king is. It's almost like he planned this from the beginning before the crisis on oil happened. I I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 13:44

What category would you put Iran in? Now it's still going on, or is it still going on, or is it done, but we still have to end it officially? We haven't said it's over, but we've said it's over, but then we bombed, but then we didn't bomb. I you know, how where do you where do you put that? Where do you put Iran?

SPEAKER_04 14:03

That's above my pay grade. I you know, you lost me there, and you know, now that I can't use my left hand, I don't know if I'll ever know the answer to that question. But yeah, but it it it does appear as though we're in a category where it's not ending yet. I'm not sure. I do know that when he is running for office in the future, it'll be no more new wars, right? Because just the ones we have a lot of reasons, just the ones we have. Yeah, just for the wars we've got. Yeah, we don't have so much capacity to do wars. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Especially when you're firing all the generals and stuff, you know, you just you kind of run out. So, yeah, I can't really answer that question.

SPEAKER_03 14:43

I think that's an excellent review of the military. Now, let's take the next category. Uh let's take act the economy for the next category. How have we done worldwide with our allies and our trading partners? Well, Jeff, you know, I think all you got to do is like be aware, this is really a no-brainer. And by that, I mean our international economic policy requires no brains at all. Uh I think this is where our king has shown his true talents.

SPEAKER_04 15:10

Well, he's the master negotiator. He has a way, you know, he's proving this with uh Canada now. He has a way of negotiating, and at the end of the negotiation, both sides feel like they won and they feel good. And that's kind of where we are with Canada right now, where both sides agree that that they that they've won. And in the past, countries have counted on us to help them. And this again is the genius of it. It used to be that they would come to us to work with us on on how they could be successful, how much wealth they could gain, but now, and and also to lower prices for us at the same time. But now we have discovered that a lot of these countries were benefiting from our relationship, and that was not the deal. That's not how negotiations work. Negotiates only work when one side wins. What he has done is he's alienated or separated himself from a lot of other countries. But overall, yes, he's he's been typical negotiator, the the famous Donald Trump that we all know and love.

SPEAKER_03 16:15

Well, and you know, you mentioned these countries that were making money off of us, and they made money off of us by selling us stuff that we wanted and we voluntarily paid for. And when they did that, they were taking advantage of us, and they became so dependent on our country, it just wasn't healthy. So I think now we're helping them become free of their dependency on our country. And he's done this a variety of ways. He we started attacking them, belittling them, threatening military action, saying they're gonna annex entire countries, uh impose taxes, uh, tariffs that would make it impossible to do business in the country. That Canada. You just mentioned Canada. Let's take Canada for example, Canada. Now our king wants that as the 51st state, and we probably have helped them more than any other country in the world by buying their oil and their wood, you know, and Canadian whiskey too, which is darn good. Uh stuff the king says we we don't need, you know, he says we don't need any of that stuff. And now, see, because we're treating them so poorly, they are now making trade deals with China and with other trading partners that would never have happened if it wasn't for our king's tough love approach. And so now the goal of Canada and every other country in the world is to find new trade partners. Well done, King. That's a way to get them off the dependency. So, what about politically? How have we done in that category?

SPEAKER_04 17:45

Yeah, uh, so I think the king can be most proud of his performance in in in that category. Oftentimes we've lived in a bubble. In that bubble, we align ourselves with countries that share values. That includes the axis of evil, Great Britain, Spain, and Italy. And we sort of hoard all the peace, all the goodwill, all the the connection we have with them politically. But what about all those other countries? What about the countries that attack people unprovoked? What about the countries that steal from other countries? What about when they assassinate? Does anybody give them any love? No. Well, that's where it's changed. We have expanded that bubble to include people that nobody else would want to be friends with. And you know, you have to give us some credit for that.

SPEAKER_03 18:34

And just to put a couple names to this concept, you know, we're talking Russia, we're talking Saudi Arabia, and there are some others too that deserve our support and admiration. What has made Ukraine so important to us or the world? I mean, it's not like Russia's taking back Poland, although, you know, that might be next. I think the king in this team, led by the ever-talented Jared Kushner, that team has demonstrated that partnerships can be developed with anyone as long as the money flows in the right direction. I mean, look what Jared has done with Saudi Arabia. I mean, he got billions in personal loans, got them to support the Gaza war, and now they can build a nuclear bomb. I don't mind paying more for gas because now Saudi Arabia can have a nuclear bomb. Yeah, name another president, name another president who would have done that or could have done that, or son-in-law to the president who could have done that. Just think about how far we've come forgiving the Saudis for 9-11, you know. Well, next thing you know, our king will forgive Denmark for owning Greenland. I mean, it could be bi, it could happen, you know.

SPEAKER_04 19:39

Yeah, and don't forget our relationship with China and North Korea. Oh, yeah, it's never been better. You know, I cannot tell you on a given Friday how many times the the president compliments uh, you know, his relationship with the the the president of China or of North Korea. And yeah, he talks tough the rest of the week, you know, and on Mondays and Wednesdays, it's North Korea that he's bashing. But on Fridays, love day, he comes back and you know, he puts his arms around them and everything is great again. And thank God that he's establishing that kind of a relationship, that kind of economic relationship with China and North Korea. China respects us so much that they're only selling Iran non-nuclear weapons so far. Yeah. You know what? What other countries are doing that? Well, there's probably a lot of things.

SPEAKER_03 20:29

No, there's no others, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 20:31

Well, yeah, sure. But and then as far as North Korea, they're limiting their nuclear tests on you know the bombs that they're very close to to finishing. They're limiting how much they do those. They are trying to only develop nuclear data centers, not bombs with the stuff that they do get together, which is which will benefit us in the future.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

Wow. And this is this is incredible coordination because you think about it. At the same time, we're bringing old enemies into the fold with open arms, as we just talked about here. We are guiding our long-term partners to be stronger by spending more on weapons that the king's kids make and helping us when we randomly attack other countries. So, you know, NATO, yeah, NATO's an issue for another show, but who would have thought would be we would be best friends with Cutter? You know, anything is possible. And I don't doubt that by the end of our king's second term, all of our former friends will be so strong and independent that we won't even get a Christmas card from them anymore. We won't hear from them at all. It's like you know, it's it's like being proud of your kids when they grow up and leave the nest and never talk to you again. I mean, it's it's just joy, such joy.

SPEAKER_04 21:46

I'm doing a tabulation here, and I I have to tell you, Steve, this might be a case where the king is undervalued his performance because it's stellar. As far as I can tell, you know, he's earned at least an A for his efforts in foreign affairs and and maybe even higher for for everything else to boot.

SPEAKER_03 22:07

A is an atrocious and five stars with that. So, well, well, you know, that's that's about just about all the time we've got for tonight because I see they are gonna kick us out of eccentric Lady Land Studios here in a little bit. So we are gonna continue with this uh until then Steve and Jeff Show band sing us on right out of here.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

This has been an utter failure production in association with Fag Omega Media. Read all about our hosts at step and Jeff.com. And for those of you worried about affordability about the future of the US, you're living in the All you need to do is finding the work, double future, and really how much money you would save.