Encore - Iran War Explained!

Our hosts welcome General Henry "Hank" Kimball, a Pentagon spokesman who is on the talk show circuit to promote the war in Iran. Or maybe the excursion in Iran. In any event, he's in the studio with our hosts and presents as clear and concise an explanation for the attack as you have ever heard. 

General Henry "Hank" Kimball - David Hayden

Steve - Steve

Jeff - Jeff

Intro and Outro music - The Steve and Jeff Show Band

#satire #comedy #podcast #improv #sketch #iran #iranwar #epstein #reneegood #alexpretti #israel #nokings #strategy #warstrategy #greenacres #hankkimball #doubletalk 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:01

We welcome you to the Steven Show. It's funny. Like to go. So say hello. Comedy's Master Chef. Cook enough trouble making beautiful mess. Grab your ears and bring your laugh track breath. And now here's Stephen Jeff.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Wow, that is such a great song. That opening song from the Steven Jeff Show band, that makes me want to, I don't know, sign my name on every dollar bill I can find. Something like that. I don't know. That's they're so good and they're you know they're so timely. They always sing right as the show begins. Thanks to our show. These guys are becoming big stars. They got a couple of hits out there. I mean, that is they have had some tremendous luck thanks to this show.

SPEAKER_04 0:59

You know, I think we've mentioned this before that I don't I'm not a big fan of luck in general. So I don't know if it's exactly luck, but you know, sometimes it's as simple as inheriting your dad's money or running for president against Biden. You sort of make your own luck that way. But I think these guys are really cool, and it reminds me of when I was younger. Speaking of luck, uh Steve, I think I told you this before that when they had the draft, I was the last year of the draft, which shows my age. Yeah. And so I got another. Yeah, no, I remember. Yeah. And uh I was 362, which basically meant that your mom would probably serve before I would. And that didn't even require me getting any fake bone spurs. I guess that's luck.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

You know, my mom would have kicked some ass over there. Let me just tell you that. She is so excited. She actually wants to join the new war, the Epstein Fury. I mean, well, uh Epic. Well, wait, wait, I I I digress. That really was bad luck for you because I know how much you wanted to get drafted and go to Vietnam, but you know, my number was a mere 57. So I would have gone in a heartbeat. But they stopped actually drafting people that year, so I didn't go. But back then, of course, you know, it was only boys were drafted, and you had to be 18 might be different now. What do you you know, I'm thinking, but you know, really, Jeff, you could have just volunteered. I mean, people volunteer, right?

SPEAKER_04 2:24

You can't do that. That's like cutting in the line, you know. It's like, you know, because everybody wanted to serve at that time. And I remember everybody wanted to be the first people to go to Vietnam. But the good news is that since we've joined forces with Israel, now we're gonna sort of adopt their system from a military standpoint where every citizen, male or female, is gonna serve at least three years, which would be coinciding with the three years of uh of the remaining part of Trump's years.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

I think they'd be serving at least the next seven years, since of course our king plans on accepting a fourth term. That fourth term that includes Biden's term too. Shadow dock it and all, you know. Yeah, yeah, you know how that works.

SPEAKER_04 3:04

Yeah. And we can only hope that's the case. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I also think that unlike the good old days with letting girls or women serve, I think that's great. Although I did hear that they want them to come in at the age of 12. I have twin eight-year-olds, and the girl is so much more advanced than the boy. So 12 years old for girls, you know, it's like it's like 23 for men. At least that's what the king has told me before. So they'll get good training. I think they're going to be trained at a special island, you know, just off Palm Beach.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

Well, you know, our king warned us all. You remember he said that if you voted for Kamala, the economy would tank and we'd be at war in Iran.

unknown 3:44

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

And look, look at that. You voted for Kamala, and he was right. See, see, I shudder to think where we would be without his steady, sober, consistent leadership. I mean, who else? Who else? I asked you, who else could have the courage to promise to stay out of other countries' businesses and make prices cheaper for everything, and then immediately kidnap a leader of another country, start a war with Iran, and of course double the price of, well, you know, everything. I even hear he's planning to topple Cuba to launch a new line of affordable Cuban cigars. The thought of getting some good Cuban cigars, that's exciting. I I wouldn't mind that actually. But these are going to be different from regular cigars. They're going to be, how should I put it, hand size, which means you know, smaller than normal cigars, so they could fit in, you know, some people's hands.

SPEAKER_04 4:31

This is the the best time to be alive right now. And you know, I I was listening, I was listening to the press conference. Was that his first cabinet press press conference? I don't know if that's what it's called.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Yeah, me. I it could it could be a dresser, some people call it an armoire. I don't I have no idea.

SPEAKER_04 4:47

Yeah, but I was impressed with how it a bureau. I don't know what a bureau is. It could have been I was impressed with how he was dumbing down the language so that everybody could understand what he was saying. Well, maybe not everybody, and even when he would say something, he would say the opposite, then right after that, and then he would deny that he said the opposite, and then he would say the opposite again. And you know, for a second there, I thought I was listening to uh Hank Kimball, you know, our friend from Green Acres.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

And oh yeah, well, you do that part of the day, you're watching Green Acres, so that's that would fit, right?

SPEAKER_04 5:23

In my underwear, yeah, yeah. Wow. It's funny, came to mind Hank Kimball, because I was watching the Academy Awards, and I was thinking that maybe Hank had died this year and that he'd be in the in memoriam, but I think I think it was for movie stars, not for TV. So I guess I'll have to wait for the Emmys.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

I think that he is no longer with us, but no need to wait for the Emmys to be sure. We can ask his son. I bet you didn't know that we could ask his son because it just so happens on the other side of that glass is his son, General Henry Hank Kimball. He's our guest tonight. He's uh from the Pentagon and he's he's on the talk show circuit promoting the administration's position on the war. And so I invited him to come on. I found out about it when I saw Eb. You remember Eb. Of course. I don't remember Eb. In your underwear, right?

SPEAKER_04 6:16

Yeah, in my underwear, yes.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

I saw Eb speak at a government leadership conference, and he agreed to take time out from keeping America safe to join us tonight. I mean, the general, not Ebb. That's great. Yeah, not that Ebb is not keeping us safe, though, too. He is right now, right as we speak, he's right now at Atlanta Airport getting paid to watch people work who aren't getting paid. But I digress. Anyway, welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, General.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

Hello, yes, thanks. Ooh, hi Steve, Jeff, it's a it's a pleasure to be on your show. Well, well, it's not a pleasure, but it's certainly worthwhile, I guess, if you know what I mean. And speaking of this show you speak of, I actually spoke of it, but uh it isn't my show. Uh well, uh, I mean, unless it's called the Steve, Hank, and Jeff Show. But I don't think you changed it yet, so it isn't, but never mind. Well, anyway, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_04 7:06

Well, it's it's our pleasure. Well, it's not necessarily our pleasure, but oh god shit, now I'm saying it. It's like contagious. Anyways, yeah, from what we know is your father was the great Hank Kimball, and and you must be so proud. His name was Hank Kimball too?

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Wow, so is mine. What would be the odds? And you know, I had an uncle Kimball too. Uh Kimball Kimball. I know it was my uncle because uh he was the one with the mustache. Anyway, now you know those those are really long odds. Well, maybe not long, maybe short odds, or maybe not odds, or maybe short odds and odds and ends. I'm not sure. Anyway, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

You know, I know why they picked you for the talk show circuit because no one else could have said it that way, General. Took a quick look at your bio, some of the bio sheets that they give us before the show here, and looks like you're a lifelong military man. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Oh, yes, yeah. I started out uh as a Cub Scout, then uh Boy Scout, briefly a Girl Scout, spent a weekend as a Brownie, then I was an Eagle Scout, then an Eagle, and then I became a Marine. Well, I played a Marine on Gomer Pyle.

SPEAKER_04 8:12

Well, that makes you the most qualified person on the King's cabinet. I assume a man of your talents and background is intimately involved in policy and strategy in the White House, and I get the sense that you're our King's right hand man when it comes to war and the military.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

I wouldn't say right hand, more like left foot. But yeah, yes, I'm heavily involved in uh in a lot of things in the White House. It's uh really crazy. Between playing Nazi battle reenactments with Steven and playing Stratego with Corey while he finds a date and making sure that uh Pete's fridge is fully stocked with libations or liberations, I get those mixed up. Maybe it's liberations for libation day or libation for liberation day. Um yeah, I'm busy.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

I bet you are, because you know, if you're out on the talk show circuit, boy, the war is going full blast now, so you must be in high in high demand. Uh maybe we should ask you a few questions about how we got there, what is our objective, and what's the exit strategy. I'm sure our audience is quite concerned about all those things.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Well, look, this is just an example of the fake news faking people and making them nervous. But rest assured, everything is uh completely fine. Well, maybe not fine, but it's going as planned. Uh if of course there was a plan. Which we did have. In fact, it's going better than we could have planned if we'd planned for a plan. For example, uh, when we started the war, we anticipated really bad things happening in the in the short term, of course. Uh gas would rise to $20 a gallon, ice would kill thousands of people, and Israel would cuck us up to be their biatch. And well, none of those things came true, well except for being Israel's biatch. But in fairness, that started a few years ago in Gaza. So uh again, fake news, everything's fine.

SPEAKER_04 10:03

I guess that's true, but if you thought all these things were gonna go bad as a result of the attack on Iran, uh was it really worth starting a war?

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Well, it wouldn't be worth starting a war because we didn't start a war. It's a field trip, it's a vacation, it's an excursion. And we were invited to come along. We were invited by Israel. And like any field trip, you you gotta have some goals. You have places to see and things to do and places to blow up and leaders to kill, and eventually you have to get off the bus, take around and take a leak. And uh well, that's what we're doing in Iran. We're just over there walking around taking a leak.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

So there were goals for this excursion, other than taking a leak?

SPEAKER_01 10:46

Only an idiot would get us into a war without goals. Well, that's good to know.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

Well, yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_04 10:53

That's right. That's comforting to know. So, can you share what those goals were and and how are we doing with them?

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Oh, we're doing great on all of the goals, all the goals that we had and planned and made up after the fact. But the number one goal was to make sure the people of Iran are free and safe. And our king has been cheering them on for months now, and now it's time to really help them.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

So they're free, right? Are they are they free yet?

SPEAKER_01 11:18

Well, we we we hope they're free. I mean, we killed as many people and ruined as much of their country as we could to help them be free. But to be honest, it wasn't our number one goal. It was to make sure Iran didn't have nuclear weapons. I thought we already took care of that last year. Well, we did, but that wasn't our main goal then. It was to make sure fentanyl would never be brought into the country by Iran again, and we accomplished that by shutting down our pathway to the U.S. through the Straits of Horror News. We're really proud of that little factoid.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Oh, you certainly have done that, and boy, the world has certainly taken notice of that. You know, you mentioned that while we're on our this vacation here, we may need to get off on the bus and take a pee. Well, does that mean that we'll have boots on the ground? Since in my experience, one has to stand somewhere. Uh, do you think our country will support the war if you know casualties start coming back?

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Look, our our country will support whatever the king says that the country will support. But look, listen, the odds of getting killed while on an excursion in Iran is less than that of getting shot in the streets in Minneapolis or Memphis or Portland or any one of a number of places that the fake news says are safe. It's a fact. Read up on that.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Renee Good and Alex Pritty have entered the chat.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

And also, even if we do send troops to Iran, which we aren't, it doesn't mean that they'll be wearing boots. Our dress policy, I mean boots on the ground, boots on the ground. That's so 1947. Our dress policy in the Marine Corps has gotten much more war friendly. You know, you should see the new footwear they're wearing. Stylish, durable, and as you probably know, the king wouldn't allow any women in the military to wear boots. That's a gay thing. Come on.

SPEAKER_02 13:07

So no troops on the ground then? I'm just asking because I've been reading that the king is sending a lot of troops to the Middle East and they're going right to the Iranian border.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Well, we're going to keep the border secure, but absolutely no troops on the ground. We'll never put a single man in harm's way. Everything will be done remotely. See, that's just more fake news. Just to be clear, the thousands of Marines near the Iranian border don't mean they're planning to go in. That notion is offensive and reckless. As we all know, our king is in the process of building the Gaza Riviera, the entertainment crown jewel of the Middle East. So some of the Marines are there to help build the casinos, and others are just waiting to get some blackjack in once it's open. Now, if a few thousand of our Marines get aboard while waiting for a ten dollar table to open, we can't stop them from crossing over to Iran and firing off a few rounds, you know, just for the funsies. You know how crazy Marines get when they've been drinking. But you know, that's about it. That's all we've got planned if we had a plan.

SPEAKER_04 14:12

That's interesting. So now uh I did hear uh I think it was Lindsey Graham said that the only reason we went into this war, I mean vacation to Iran, was that Israel was going to vacation there first, and we just wanted to get there to get the best vacation spots. Am I am I right on that?

SPEAKER_01 14:32

Exactly. And congratulations for using the correct patriotic language. Although some of the words may have too many syllables. But yes, uh, we knew we were going to attack Iran, but they knew they were going to attack Iran. We knew they knew that they were going to attack Iran, and they knew that we knew that they knew that we were going to attack Iran. And if you go in three attacks deep, you're not going to get a decent verbo any place that has a beachfront property. So we thought, look, the Iranians will just blame us, and that puts us at risk. So what the heck? We'll just be Israel's beach and come in here and blow, blow, blow stuff up, pop, up.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

Well, now I understand getting the best verbo on the beach, but that kind of doesn't sound like our self-described alpha male king forced to attack Iran. Did I miss something here?

SPEAKER_01 15:22

More fake news. Our king was not informed of any attacks on Iran ahead of time. So I don't know where you're getting your information, but after they, meaning Israel, went on their excursion, we were invited to come along. It's just that simple.

SPEAKER_04 15:38

Okay. So so the king must have been really mad at Israel for starting something that that we that we joined in later for. Did that bother him?

SPEAKER_01 15:49

No, no, not no no, not at all. See, our king knew all along what they were going to do, and we worked with Israel on the uh plan, uh the excursion. Uh see if you can follow me.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

You know, I think I get it now. So how's the vacation going? And when do you think we'll be done in coming home?

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Well, the vacation is basically over already. In fact, it was over 45 minutes after we got there. As far as when will we come home? Well, that's a little bit harder to say. They really love us and they want us to continue to show them love. So, like the end of any vacation, we'll have to come home, but it won't be immediately, but it'll be very soon. Like within the week or ten days or sooner. We could come home tomorrow, and we might do that. You see, we have a plan, we have goals, and once those goals are achieved, we will pack up, get in the station wagon, gas it up, and come on home.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Well, boy, that sounds like vacations when I was a kid, but uh, you know, I I guess you're speaking metaphorically, right? You don't have actual sixties suburbia type station wagons there, do you?

SPEAKER_01 17:01

Well, we might. It's hard to say. I haven't taken an inventory yet. Nobody has inventory. But now, if I were a bad general, I would actually answer that question. But that would put our vacation at risk. But I'm a good general. So let me just say the end is near or the end is here. Anyway, it's really already over. They know it, we know it, we know they know it, they know we know it. Everyone knows someone who knows it. In fact, we know it more than any country ever knew anything in the history of the world.

SPEAKER_04 17:36

Sounds like somebody really knows it, and that could be us. I'm as as good a chance it's us as anybody else. Well, I just wanted to thank you for being on the show. And although we would be remiss to not ask about your dad, we were wondering how he's doing. So is he still alive?

SPEAKER_01 17:55

Oh no, no, no. My father, uh, my father, that Henry Kemble, he he passed. But but not because of Iran. And for the record, we never remiss. We have the best, most accurate, best trained armies in the world. It's a fact. Maybe the Iranians remiss, maybe Antifa remisses, BLM remisses, but our king and his troops, they never remiss. He's batting a thousand. Anyway, thanks for having me here on the Steve and Jeff and Hank show.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

We want to thank you, General, and and I don't think anyone has made a better case for this excursion than you just did. I think anyone who listens to the general listens to what he says tonight, they can't have any doubts that this is the vacation that we need right now. We got this band a few weeks ago that I'm still so excited about. And so we're gonna be sung out by the Steve and Jeff band in the style of this show. So sing it out, band, take us away.

SPEAKER_03 18:52

There's no strategy on your left. There's no strategy on your right left. You eat on your feet from your elbow on retreat. Jeff and Steve.