Better Together - A Man's Perspective!
This podcast will feature Men from all walk's of life that have been married for at least 10 years that have a story to tell about overcoming, perseverance and success in their life, business and marriage! The focus will be to highlight why despite challenges we all have determined its better with our life partners together than apart!
Better Together - A Man's Perspective!
Episode # 4- 8/20/2023 - Featuring Marriage Coaches Justin & Cresta Burt of Deviations by Design.
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Come listen, learn and enjoy great tips and life lessons from Justin & Cresta who share their inspiring journey!
Sponsored by Redemption! Grace Extended & The Real Price of Success. Find it on Amazon or www.thebartbutlerstory.com. Proceeds to benefit my scholarship at my alma mater Virginia Tech.
Welcome to the Better Together from a Man's Perspective podcast with your host, serial entrepreneur, phantropist, and international best-selling author, Bart Butler, where we discuss faith, marriage, family, and business, along with today's relevant news. We also share practical tips from his book Redemption, the real price of success, and show you how to learn, overcome, acquire, and most importantly, never ever give up. So if you're ready to be part of this life's journey, then here we go. Better Together is sponsored by Redemption, price extended, and the real price of success. Buy it on Amazon or direct at www.thepartlerstory.com. Here's your host, Bart Butler.
SPEAKER_02Hello, hello, hello, hello, and uh welcome again uh to our uh next episode of Better Together, a man's perspective. Uh thank you guys for uh uh listening in and uh being on this journey uh uh to basically find the best practices for marriage um and understanding um why at the end of the day um we're all better together, finding our soulmate, and uh going through this journey of life uh with someone special. Uh today we've got a very special guest for you. Uh we've got a um a couple, um uh Justin and Krista. Uh they are marriage coaches, coaches rather, and uh we're gonna talk about um their uh story, how they came together, and how they started this wonderful business, and uh they're gonna give us a lot of education. So um uh tune in for the entire hour and uh take out your pens and your paper, um, take some notes. At the end, we're gonna tell you how you can connect uh with these uh great guys. Um I've had the opportunity to chat with them a little bit, and uh they are a great couple. I'm very excited uh to have them today. Um this is our fourth episode, and um uh I think today will be something special. So uh let me introduce uh Justin and Kresta. Uh they are marriage coaches and they are transforming relationships uh throughout the nation, and uh they can do the same. They've done it for themselves and they want to do it for you as well. Um I think for them it's a ministry, but I'll let them tell you themselves. So welcome, Justin and Kresta. Um please um uh well let me thank you for taking the time out to join us today. And uh please tell everybody a little bit about yourself, uh your background, and and and and your and talk about your story.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, thank thanks for having us. We definitely appreciate it. And uh man, we're excited to be here as well. So um I'll go ahead and start a little bit about my background and kind of where I came from. Um so I was born and raised in a Christian home. Um, and you know, I I I had those Judeo-Christian values just really instilled at me from you know, at a young age. And you know, right out of high school, um I I got married. I got married at 19 and wow, early. Very, very early. Um, you know, I I'm a little bit sometimes impatient.
SPEAKER_02As as as always are all at least the guys are, yeah, very much so.
SPEAKER_00You know, but I had known my wife at that time. Uh we had known each other since we were like five, six years old. So we did grow up together. And um, so we got married because we wanted to go to the mission field, and that was that was our goal. And so um we went off to Bible college. Um, and really, uh, you know, according to you know, our Christian beliefs, we did everything right. And so we went to the mission field. Uh and collapse uh the economic collapse of 2008 happened, and it took a little while to hit us. But you know, when you're raising funds and support, um, you know, when the economy goes to the tank in the United States, it does have an impact here. The trickle-down effect. Exactly. Yeah, very much so. You know, it doesn't hit us right away, but it hit us about a year later. It hit us right away.
SPEAKER_02Because we were in right. We we were building a mini real estate empire. So uh uh and and to your point, uh, all of those things that we were supporting uh got affected very much as well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, especially being in real estate. I mean, I mean, you guys were the first to feel that.
SPEAKER_02Correct.
SPEAKER_00Um, and so I I was one of the last to feel it. So we ended up coming home in about 2008, 2009. And um so once we came home, that was kind of the uh I want to say the the the switch that happened for me personally, because everything that I had known, everything that I had uh been planning to do my whole life, uh just kind of got turned upside down. And you know, when whenever anything like that happens, you've got two ways to respond. You you can respond and be, you know, have a positive outlook on it, or you can kind of just throw it throw your hands up and say, Well, I I I guess this is just how things are, and you get a little bit a little bit of bitterness.
SPEAKER_02Let me ask you real quick if I could just uh jump in. Um so um when you say everything got turned upside down, is it more, you know, looking back, was it more because of you had everything scripted out and planned out, and everything was going great, then all of a sudden you got this curveball, and uh and then you had to figure out what's next. Was that it, or more um, you know, something else that um you you just didn't know where you were at that point and you had to like start over?
SPEAKER_00I I think that that's actually a good question. I think it was a little bit of both because I didn't know how to start over because I had had this plan since I was 19 years old, and you know, here I am ther 30 years old, and everything that I had planned in my entire life I is is is now changing. You know, I'm going from being a missionary to okay, now I have to find a job in the States, now I have to, you know, uh provide for my family in a different way. And uh, you know, it it was just this big mind shift for me. And you know, when what especially as men, when we have those mind shifts and we don't have react in a positive way, it starts to impact our wife, it starts to impact our family.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00And you know, and a lot of times you don't notice that right away. And so looking back, I can say that that was the starting point. At the time, I would have said no, everything's fine, but at the time that was the start starting point. And so I got into a career law enforcement, um, did that for about six years, and um yeah, and again, uh you know, as we're talking about my marriage, like it just was slowly, it was slowly going downhill because once everything in my life switched, I stopped responding as a husband and as a man the way I should. I stopped acting like the way I should. I stopped showing up. Um and you know, once you start doing that, like you you just go down a path of destruction. And uh unfortunately that ended up one day I woke up and and you know, my wife at the time asked, she's like, Hey, you know, I want you out of here. And you know I I tried to save the marriage at that time and I knew things were going bad, but everything I did just made things worse. Let me ask you.
SPEAKER_02Um, so you mentioned law enforcement. Uh we know a number of of folks in law enforcement, and it's a it's a very tough career on a marriage. Um was that part of it that because the things that you see, um, it's almost like um being in the military.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, you you deal with the you deal with the bad aspect of society every single day. And that takes a toll on you. That that takes a toll on how you respond to your kids, that takes a toll on how you respond to your wife, and actually your life as a whole. Um, you know, and and there's still some there's still some after effects, I would say, to this day. Like when I go in restaurants, I I won't sit with my back to the door because I've dealt with, you know, and I've just dealt with that for so long that it's just kind of ingrained in me now. Um and good battery.
SPEAKER_02Uh almost 100%.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_02Okay. You know, I I have it, uh, and I think we might have talked about this a bit, but growing up in in the hood in DC, um, I I too uh never sit with my um back to, you know, uh I always have my back to the door so I can see who's coming in. I check out the exits, and and it's it's a defense mechanism for me. And that's just because of how I grew up, never knowing when somebody's gonna come in with a gun and and shoot or or violence would incur. So um I I deal with that all the time, and and I and I consider it, you know, P T SD from growing up, but I think we we don't we underestimate that, the effects of our environment, our jobs on on our life, and um, and I I think our marriage and our wives and children take the brunt of it. So um, so I I uh how long did it take you to recognize that? Was it when your your ex-wife came to you and said, Um, I want you gone?
SPEAKER_00Uh it was probably about six months to a year before that. Okay. I started noticing things were not right. Um, because we had been best friends and you know, we we had always gotten along. We never really fought. Um and which turned out to be probably more of a bad thing than a good thing, not probably it was more of a bad thing than a good thing because we bottled so much stuff up inside.
SPEAKER_02Right, right.
SPEAKER_00Um, and then once I noticed things were kind of going, you know, going south, everything I tried just made things worse. I would uh you know, I I I I don't even know the best way to say it. It's just we we talk about this a lot in our program, but men a lot of times we start to get mopey when things don't go our way. We s we s we start to act like pouting and big old babies.
SPEAKER_02Like like kids, right?
SPEAKER_00Yes, yeah, you know, we become another kid instead of becoming a partner to our wife, and this just has this stench to to our wives of just a weak little man. Yeah, and you know, and so when you're constantly coming to your wife as a weak little man, like that's just a huge turnoff to her. Yeah, and so you're try you're you're trying to do things from a place of weakness instead of doing things from a place of strength.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00And what I didn't realize at the time is I was trying to save my marriage, and what I should have been doing was working on myself and getting myself right. Because if if your wife sees that you're getting yourself right, then that naturally sparks a change in her because now she's seeing, okay, this guy's getting his stuff together, he's working on things, and that just improves the marriage. Yes, instead of the guy constantly trying to attack the problem, the problem's yourself.
SPEAKER_03Well, you also can't tell her you're doing it.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03Because then you're telling her, hey, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this, and then you don't do it, and then it it makes it worse. You just have to do it, and and she'll see it.
SPEAKER_02Yes. So you have to provide accountability for yourself.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_00Okay, yeah, absolutely. Because when when you tell her you're gonna do something and then you fail, and failure's not a bad thing, but but think of all the times you told her you were gonna do something and it didn't happen. Correct. And then you tell her you're gonna do something and you fail, it's just it's just another thing that she piles on against you. And so if you keep that internally and hold yourself accountable and and maybe get a group of guys around you to help you, yes, then she's not seeing those failures, she's just seeing the successes. Um and you know, so I I ran into all those pitfalls, and it just one morning she's just like, you know what, man, you just need to you need to get out of here. And it at that time I got a life coach, and um I was very intentional with the life coach. I I selected, I I wanted it to be a a Christian guy, and um man, it was the best investment in my life I've ever made. Wow. Um, while it didn't save my marriage, um, I can tell you that that the man I am today is because of that life coaching, he helped me through that time in my life, and it's helped me become a better father, a better husband. And the sad thing is, it's good, but it's sad, is he did not teach me anything I did not already know. Right. He just put everything into practice that I already knew, and um and help your perspective. Yeah, and help my perspective, that's true, yeah. And you know, so really that mind shift right there of I know all this stuff, so let's put this into practice, and then I you know, the the Lord blesses me with this this beautiful woman that that walks into my life, and I'm able to put all this stuff into practice, and I'm seeing the the fruits of the labor, if you will, of working on myself first.
SPEAKER_03And and he still works on himself to this day.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's so so it it it it sounds like um your experience was and and and I I would I would agree a thousand percent is that we already possess the tools and the knowledge to overcome what we're going through, but for some reason there there's a block, and it and it's it's quite okay to bring in someone else like a life coach, a marriage coach.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely. A lot of that block is ego.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like not asking for directions. Uh, my wife and I years ago, we lost in New York. I think this was uh before uh GPS was really, really perfected and the high-rises would block signals, and we were just trying to get to the to the Long Island Expressway, and nobody could help us. You know, and my wife was like, well, just stop and ask somebody. And I just my ego wouldn't allow me to do it until after an hour of going in circles. I said, All right, why would you stop and ask about it? So I get you, Krista. Yeah, uh our ego uh it keeps us from doing a lot of the things that we should be doing. So um now, now, now Justin, talk about a little bit the stigma. Um, because I think, you know, that's a big thing today. And I see a lot of ads about overcoming that. Um, did that play a factor at all in your decision um to get the life coach, or you just said, uh this is what I gotta do?
SPEAKER_00Uh for me personally, it was it was out of desperation to save my marriage. Okay. And while while it didn't work for that, the the reason I got a life coach is is just pure desperation. But when you look at it, like there's a show on Netflix right now, quarterbacks um or quarterback, where it talks about Pat Patrick Mahomes. Oh he's got he's got his own coach for fitness. Now, now you can't tell me some a professional like Patrick Mahomes needs a coach to tell him how to work out, correct? But he needs a coach to keep that top edge, to keep him at peak performance through the entire season. And that's no different than life or business or your marriage. You need somebody that that has an outside perspective to just come in and say and just point out some little things on how you can improve just a little bit more here, a little bit more there. And that's really what a life coach does. You know, we talked about what's the difference between a life coach and a counselor. Um a life coach, you know, back back when we were kids, they were called mentors, you know, somebody, you know, somebody who would come alongside you and just kind of guide you in in a specific area that you're wanting to improve in. You know, a counselor really deals with like past trauma, past hurts, and you know, you really need a professional if you're dealing with stuff like that. Um, but as far as just like, you know, I I want to get, I want to improve this area of my life, you know, that's really the difference between a coach and a counselor. Um, because you know, there's marriage coaches out there like Cresta and I. And, you know, that it's you don't necessarily have to have a bad marriage for marriage coaching. It's just, hey, our marriage is going pretty good, but but we would like it to get better. Um, because some of the couples we have coming to us are in that exact position that hey, you know, we we want to stay married. We're we're not really looking at divorce, but we don't know how to move past some certain things. And and we want, you know, uh we want a coach that to help us move past some certain certain things.
SPEAKER_02Um excellent point. You know, you know that you don't have to be in trouble. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Elite is the word. Yes. An elite relationship. So we have yeah, we have people that have good relationships that want to go elite.
SPEAKER_02Okay, to the next level.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, and it just like in professional sports, they all have coaches that help them improve, you know, and so just like in business, I'm sure you've had some mentors or some coaches as as you've had your journey journey through business. You know, that's really what a coach is.
SPEAKER_02I I I look back uh over my business career and uh I look at you know the successes and failures, and and I often think, you know, how much better I could have been um or could be if I had a mentor back when I started out. I I'm more of a you know, uh what do you call it? Just a ground-up guy who just kind of did it by uh bootstraps because I had no nobody in my family could, you know, uh offer that because of my upbringing. And when listeners read the book, they'll see that it was pretty much um a dysfunctional family. I mean, we were we all loved each other very much, but we didn't know how to talk about things. Um, and um the challenges of life prevented us from doing any planning or anything. So that is so important. And even to this date, at the age of 62, I still seek out uh people like your yourself to talk to and talk about things. Um, and uh Monica and I have talked about it, and uh um we'll probably be giving you guys a call. So, you know, for our listeners, you know, this is real, it's very important, and uh we need to get away from the uh the fears. Monica and I have been married 31 plus years, but what I've learned from our brief relationship with you guys is that um you can always improve, it can always get better. And I love that word, elite uh relationship. So, Crystal, talk a little bit about uh uh your story. Um I don't think you were married before, right? You weren't?
SPEAKER_03No, Justin and I are complete opposites when it comes to that. Um, you know, I was I was ra he was raised in a big city in California. I was raised in a small town in Wyoming.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_03So there's already a drastic difference between us.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_03Um you know, I I was raised uh, you know, three kids in my family. Um, we were all very close. Um I hit I never I never dated in high school. Um I was the quiet girl in the corner usually. Um and you know, I I had my first actual relationship at 18, and it was it was not a healthy thing. I had relationship after relationship after relationship where it was uh I I never dealt with physical abuse. I'm lucky in that, but there was a lot of mental and emotional abuse. Um you know, and I and I the only thing I ever wanted growing up was to get married and have kids. And you know, in in my 30s, it was like, well, I guess I guess that's not happening. So I kind of gave up on that. Um, you know, I I was also in law enforcement on the other side of the radio. That's how Justin and I met. Actually, um and and there is that PTSD. And then and then I had a relationship while I was in dispatch um with somebody who decided not to tell me he was a criminal and lived in my house. And you know, actually Justin was uh on the team that did a search warrant on my house.
SPEAKER_02Wow. Okay.
SPEAKER_03I was a dispatcher, you know. So uh, you know, him and I were completely opposite. At a certain point, it was like, I'm done. Actually, it was that relationship that that made me decide I was done. I'm not I'm not risking my career, I'm not risking who I am for a man. I don't need it. I've got, you know, I've done well for myself. I have my own house, I have my car, I have my dogs. Uh, and and I had decided that I was done um with dating because it never did it never did any good for me. Um, and then you know, like I said, Justin and I had had met um while he was married, we were acquaintances. We we said hi to each other. I I spoke to his his ex-wife, um, his kids out when we ran into each other out in public. And yeah, you know, then then there was this one night where we ran into each other and he was divorced, and I it was it was odd.
SPEAKER_02It was weird, right? Because you were like friends and uh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um neither one of us were in law enforcement anymore. Um and yeah, it was I don't even know how to explain what happened. It just it it came out of nowhere and and here we are.
SPEAKER_02those thoughts that you had before, because I think I I don't really don't know if if um uh women share those thoughts today um with that kind of uh societal pressure, I guess you could call it. Um when you hit a certain age, everybody expects you to be married with, you know, two and a half kids and three dogs and whatever.
SPEAKER_03Definitely still out there. It's um you if you're not and and generations might like the younger generations might feel different. Um but yeah if you're not married if you're not dating if you don't have kids it's you're looked at differently.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And people judge you differently because that's just what you're supposed to do. You know that's that's everywhere in the world they say you know you you grow up you get married you have kids you live happily ever after.
SPEAKER_02So would you guys say that because because of those those pressures and and and I get exactly what you're saying um we we're supposed to have this this um evolutionary process throughout life you know you you you grow up high school um maybe you go to college or maybe you go in the military or whatever you do after high school then you get married have kids buy house and you just you know you just go through that life journey and it's not always well it's I don't think it's it's never the same for for any of us and most of us run into a lot of pitfalls and obstacles and and you know that's one of the reasons why I wanted to I felt the calling to start this podcast called Better Together because I feel strongly and and as I share with you um our story is similar in that um Monica and I have different backgrounds. I grew up in a in a big city in a violent neighborhood she's more suburban um family I call them the TV Cosby's she's never been married I was married before um but I want people to realize that there are options that divorce isn't the um uh the the only option um but you have to come into these relationships with eyes wide open not wide shut and I think if we do that and if we have uh coaches and and and that's why I want to get your message and your story out there so people can realize that you know when you're contemplating marriage um there's a lot of things you need to look at and just having a three or four day session with your church and your pastor is not going to get you there. You really should and you and I want you guys to talk about that um uh that coaching process this is a good segue um and and and and not that you what you really need is a coach and not just some premarital counseling because that's gonna prepare you for a long-term relationship where you learn to deal with all the challenges and pitfalls that are bound to happen and it will keep you together so that um these divorce rates won't keep rising because we're we were ill prepared to get into that first marriage in the first place.
SPEAKER_03Speak to that a little bit uh well I I just want to say because we were just talking about how how different you know Justin and I grew up and were we're raised and you were saying that about you and and your wife yes um part of our program is understanding each other before you knew each other.
SPEAKER_02Yes what's that term you use?
SPEAKER_00So it it's uh it's called family of origin. Yes and uh we were actually putting together our program and we were kind of attacking this this area of communication and it's it's exactly what we were trying to say and and we we got the thought we're like there there has to be something out there. Like we're we're not unique we're not the first people to think of this certain certainly there's something out there and and we happen to be listening to a podcast one day and this couple was talking about family of origin and we looked into it and we're like this is exactly what we've been trying to say and there's books out there on it. So we read some books and really what family of origin is and it's our first module because it's so pivotal in getting couples to communicate and understand each other it's a good yeah it's a good foundation for the program. It it really is and and so basically you know if if you have a couple like let's say you have a man that was raised in in in a household that every time there was an issue mom and dad just swept it underneath the rug or really didn't talk about it. And then you have a wife who was raised in a household where arguments were were dealt with in a very loud aggressive tone. And so you get these two people together and you have this husband who the wife says never communicates and you have this husband who says the wife is always yelling and screaming well that's their family of origin. That's how they were raised. Right. And so we'll we'll take the husband we'll take the wife and and we'll show them that that's the way they're trying to communicate with each other and you know they're on different planes and so we slowly get them to see how each other is responding to certain things and and what tends to happen is that really opens up the areas of communication. Okay. Because communication and understanding and understanding because the the husband now starts to see okay when when the wife is is has this almost aggressive tone she's not being aggressive that's how she was taught to deal with these situations. And when the husband's not responding and is trying to sweep things under the rug the wife is saying okay that's how he was taught and how he was raised and now as a couple you guys have to come together because his way's not going to work her way's not going to work you guys have got to find a healthy way to create a new way to deal with this inside your relationship and really once you get the couple on the same page and they start seeing each other eye to eye and understanding each other and and why they're responding the way they are the rest of the modules that we have just kind of that alone can start the whole shift in a relationship.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02When we talked about that um uh uh during our initial discussion I was uh really astounded because I'd never heard the term before but it just made so much sense. Um right and and and you know again it goes back to you know this isn't rocket science um you know you don't have to get a PhD in this um it's just some very a few foundational tools and um and for me that was eye-opening and I think it's something that we you know take for granted don't really talk about it but I think that's so it it it makes sense that that's your first module um to set the stage.
SPEAKER_00Yeah because we we've had this one client and you know his story was was somewhat similar to mine where he was trying everything to make things work and and it just wasn't working. Well he he was working yeah he was working several hours a week I think was close to 80 but anyway he was working a lot of hours and and his wife comes to him and says you just need to quit your job you know you're you're working too much you just need to quit your job and lo and behold he just quits his job you know he he had a very good job very well paying job it's what she wanted right and and so from his perspective she was asking him to quit his job from her perspective yeah those are the words she used but what she was saying was I need you to block out some time for me. I need you to block out some time for our family.
SPEAKER_02She was saying quit prioritizing your job exactly so not literally quit your job because my question is so how are you gonna provide for the family?
SPEAKER_00Somebody has to make money uh to provide you know a living so what she was really saying is um make us more of a priority and wow that's quite a disconnect so so so go on so you know he did have a backup plan i don't even want to say a backup plan he had another job that that that he knew was going to work a whole lot less hours um you know so he took that job instead but that really caused a huge disconnect um when when they came to us because at this point like he's just quit his job and at this point there seemed to be no impasse uh no no way forward because he is just taking this drastic step and as soon as he takes that drastic step like any little bit of trust that she had with him was just out there I mean is gone. He threw it out the window.
SPEAKER_02So he would never take her advice again.
SPEAKER_00Right, right but but what we needed to do with that couple was get them to understand that okay she may have said you need to quit your job but you as the husband need to start asking questions and not take it as face value like okay I understand you want me to quit my job this is the financial state it's gonna put us in what can we do instead of me quit my job can't can I cut back my hour like just yeah just be a human and start asking some questions instead of just assuming that she said this so I'm gonna go do it. And then blame her for it because yeah this was your idea see right okay so once we had this paradigm shift where he was able to understand where she was coming from and understand you know all the hurt and baggage that this that this comment carried with it was like I just need you to spend time with me. I want this marriage to work um I I want you I want you in my life I don't want your job in my life yeah so we got this paradigm to work and all that Tres to talk about after he made the internal changes that need needed to make because again we get the guy and the gal to to work on themselves as well and really not talk about what changes they're making because it's better to see the changes than hey this is what I'm gonna do and like we talked about before all the failures but right and it and it wasn't an immediate change.
SPEAKER_03It it took a little bit um but but we had to we had to make sure that they were working together on it. You know like Justin just said you can't say hey I'm gonna do this but but to an extent you kind of when you're working together on something you kind of know what's going on. You know and he had a few missteps in it. But but keeping her mind open to he he's listening to you now the way that you're you're intending for him to hear you know everything ended up working out.
SPEAKER_02I mean we talked to them what last week yeah and and they're doing great because they're communicating differently so what would you say the um the aha moment was or is there such a thing or is it just the cumulative impact of having these open uh discussions or was there just something that was more pivotal?
SPEAKER_00I would I would say and Kresta can correct me if I'm wrong because she talked to the lady uh uh uh in private sessions more than I did but um I don't I didn't see an aha moment for her no there was more an aha yeah it was more gradual but for the guy and and I've seen this in a lot of guys because we like to tackle problems yes the problem solvers by nature yeah absolutely and as as soon as you give them the solution like hey dude you are not understanding your wife she did not want you to quit your job um she did not want you to do this with the kids uh you know all these different things this is what she wanted you to do this is what she was trying to communicate to you that light usually clicks on at that point they don't have a full understanding of what they need to do but they realize that what they were doing was wrong and that's usually that aha moment where okay I need to start making the changes what changes do I need to make and as soon as we can get that light to click on everything kind of it's slow initially but that snowball starts starts to roll and um it it's really cool to see because once once that light clicks on and they understand that okay I am the problem then they understand that they are also the solution and once they know that they're the solution then it's really easy to to guide and direct them to make the changes they need to make to be the man for their their their wife.
SPEAKER_03And the the women like I said it's more gradual um for I think every woman that I've worked with it's been more gradual of of a an acknowledgement because women are I don't want to stay more pessimistic but you know more pessimistic he said he was going to take the out last week and I ended up taking it out. So if he's trying to do this then I'm gonna have to do it for him for a while. You know it's that type of of thought uh until it starts to snowball and then starts seeing that oh he did take out the trash I didn't have to do it myself and so that that's why for women it's a little more gradual.
SPEAKER_02Yeah um that that kind of speaks to the men have that thought and it's like yeah yeah men have that thought and it's like oh that's how that works yes yes let me uh it's kind of like the uh uh in the psychology of selling one of the the the um tactics or best practices that we use is uh when you want your your client or potential client to engage with you you move closer to them and they in there invariably will move closer to you and then you can get more uh of an in-depth conversation going as opposed to sitting far apart with your arms crossed so there's certain things um that that you can do to to kind of bring it and this this sounds like a a similar thing you you you make one small change and then and then you start to see a positive reaction and then you want to continue to do it.
SPEAKER_03Well Justin knows it's like interrogation with police he was a detective okay that's exactly what you're describing you know you you you do different things to get a different reaction and and you see how that that works and then you go with that. And if that didn't work then you change it up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah let me ask you something so um and this is a fascinating conversation I wish we had more time um when you um so when when a person is considering a a a coach a counselor or invariably do you you find that in your conversations that they typically will go and talk to a friend first and because I would think that that would be very perilous because you know your buddy may not be the best person to talk to.
SPEAKER_03Women talk to friends.
SPEAKER_00Okay yeah most men don't really want to talk about things um and so you you almost gotta get um we we we have two types of husbands that come in one the husbands that are desperate to save their marriage okay um and um those usually are the most motivated um but they're also usually the most impulsive and so you know you've gotta you've gotta manage their expectations because they think it's gonna happen real quick um and and while it does in the grand scheme of things it does happen quick when when you're living that out day to day it's not quick. And then you also have the husbands that are just coming because their their wives want them to come and do this. And those husbands usually actually get quite a bit more out of it because they're not so impulsive. You know because they're they're gonna do the work because their wife wants them to do do do the work but as they're doing the work they're seeing the benefits of it they're seeing how it's helping their wife they see how it's helping their their relationship and it's and their kids and and their kids.
SPEAKER_02So now they want to do it because they want to do it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah and and those are the guys that that are like okay this so this stuff not only helps me in my marriage this stuff helps me in my business as well because now I'm I'm being a better man not only in my marriage but in my life and just being a better man it makes you more appealing at work. It it it helps you be more consistent at work because we're developing consistent patterns um and it just has an over while we only focus on the marriage it has an overarching impact to the rest of your life um you know because one of the things we talk about in one of our modules is is like uh we call it uh self-growth or growth module and we talk about you know making sure you're eating right making sure you're working out um things like that just to stay healthy you know it it's not a body image thing it's just so so that you're a healthy individual so you can play with your kids so you can go out on weekends and and you know not not get winded when you walk up that staircase type of thing.
SPEAKER_02That's a very important point because doesn't that speak to um one of the like like a huge difference between a counselor and a coach. A counselor deals with a specific issue something that you know uh but but as a coach you're looking at the whole holistic approach.
SPEAKER_00Yeah absolutely because your health you know think we we've probably all been overweight at some time we've lost weight we've got still have working on it but we feel so much better when we lose that weight and it gives us more energy and when you have more energy when you come home from work you're not as tired so you have time to to engage with your wife engage with your kids um and so it's not just about looking good but it's about feeling good and yeah a a lot of a lot of uh men just gravitate towards those healthier looking individuals it's just it's just our human nature and and so you you you get people that start to succeed in business and then we we have uh the growth modules that that we also encourage people to constantly be learning and challenging each other you know so read books together you know you don't have to read them like physically together but both of you read the same book and then talk to each other and so we have this constant growth um aspect that that that we talk about and we talk about the compound effect how small changes over a long period of time equal you know great growth exponential growth and um you know that's true for your marriage that's true for business you know so while these principles apply to marriage and we teach them specific for marriage they have far reaching impact when they start to apply these principles in their day daily in their daily life yeah and then that that's an awesome um uh point to make because you know um when I've looked at coaching in the in the past um I never looked at it as a holistic thing how that it would uh because I'm actually uh uh having a conversation with a potential coach now um and I really haven't had that the time to narrow in on it and schedule some time we've had some initial meetings but uh she's been so patient and inviting me to group conversations and stuff and so um the fact that that she's been patient um inviting me to and give me resources just shows me that she's not just looking to get a client she actually wants to to to help because she was referred by a person in my business networking group because I've got a lot going on and and just managing it can be very difficult.
SPEAKER_02But I'm I'm realizing that some of the things that that she and I have talked about helping my business can also help my personal life so I I think so I'm sure you guys point that out that distinction in your process yeah yeah yeah we do absolutely um I I think it's vital to make that distinction right from the beginning would you say oh yeah yeah yeah let's go through your um uh and the time we have um describe describe your process so um if uh when someone reaches out to you um what's the process um to to give our listeners an idea of what they can expect when they when they reach out to you yeah so the first thing they uh we the clients do is is is they book a call with us and that's a 30 minute uh session with us and it's it's mainly coaching.
SPEAKER_03It's just a conversation.
SPEAKER_00It's just a conversation we want to get a a a feel of who they are and and see if they're a good fit to work with us. And that's give them a feel for us too and give them a feel for us because it's got to be a two-way street um there's there's a lot of marriage coaches out there and you know we're not the right fit for everybody and and we understand that so we want we want to give people time to get to know us and so we do a three third 30 minute coaching session um in that we kind of just we get like a 3000 foot view of what's going on and and try to give them a few pointers that that can make some immediate changes. And then after that if if they like what what we did and then at that point uh we'll do more of a a little more in depth a little more in depth it it's it's called a sales call. We don't like that word we're still trying to figure out how to because we're very upfront you know we're up front with you you know once we get them in that call that first call you know they're gonna end the call knowing how much our program costs so when they hop on the call the second time there's no surprises there's there's very important jump out um because the last thing we want is for somebody to be excited about it and then be hopeful and then not pause not a possibility. Yeah and so we we do that initially that way If they have to talk to their spouse, if if they have to whatever they have to do, they have time to do it. And so we'll book that next call, you know, no more than two days out. Um, because we we want to get a sense of okay, we we gave you some practical tips, how did those tips work? And if you get more than two or three days out, um, you know, we have lives to live and and we kind of forget, oh yeah, we did do that, and you know, it was helpful or wasn't helpful. Um, and then in that last call, you know, we'll go over the program, exactly what it looks like. Um, so our program is designed to be nine weeks in length. Um, but we do offer what we would call lifetime map membership. And what that is for is we are all human, we all fall asleep at times in our relationships, and it's nice sometimes just to tap in and say, Man, you know what? I I need to go over these modules again, I need to do this again.
SPEAKER_02Uh tune up. It's like uh like a tune-up, okay.
SPEAKER_00I kind of yeah, you know, because we don't and and then we also offer the last module is we do offer uh what we call uh continued coaching. So if if you feel you still need some help, we do offer um extended coaching after that. It's no extra cost, just something.
SPEAKER_02Ongoing support. That's a great point. So so um uh I did want to find out how did you guys decide to become uh marriage coaches or life coaches and what's involved with that in terms of uh uh did you hire a coach to train you or or how does that work in terms of getting that uh expertise?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's a good question. Um, so like I said, I went through my life coaching, and that was, you know, it it was mind-changing for me or life-changing for me. And uh so after Crest and I got married, I was like, hey, I'd like to I'd like to do this at some point. Um, not right now, but I'd like to do it. And she's like, Well, I'd kind of like to do that with you. And we had our friends and and and a lot of people just coming up to us saying, you know, what's different about you guys? What is uh what are you guys doing different? And you know, this just kind of continued, and we're like, why don't we just do marriage coaching? Because a lot of the principles I've learned when I did my life coaching, and a lot of the things you're bringing in from your life experience are helping and um are helping this relationship. And so we went ahead and we got our cert certification.
SPEAKER_03We have a few certifications.
SPEAKER_00We've got uh relationship coach certification and we've got life coaching certifications. Um and then we we got with a group, it's called Coach Foundation. Okay, and they they basically coach coaches, coach coaches, yeah. And so, you know, we we like to say we practice what we preach. Like we have coaches right now that that that help us that train us. Um they help us put together our modules. We send our modules to a marriage and family therapist uh just to look over because we're like, hey, are are we out in left field? Is this good stuff?
SPEAKER_03Um we have a nurse as a resource.
SPEAKER_00Um, so my sister's a nurse practitioner. So anything that even gets slightly into like health and fitness and things like that, we had her read over, like, hey, we don't want to lead people down a wrong way, but this is what we're seeing, you know, and she gave she gave us some pointers. Um, obviously, we don't mention her name or anything because she just was looking over it as a courtesy, right?
SPEAKER_03Um but we are not medical professionals, we are not medical professionals, no.
SPEAKER_02But it's great that you you um incorporate that in in your overall process and recognize that our health and well-being is a critical factor in how we approach marriage and and life in general.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, absolutely. And one thing we do in that module specifically is we don't give you a specific diet, we don't give you a specific exercise routine. Um, that's kind of for you to come up with because everybody's so different, like lots of people like keto, lots of people like whatever other diet diets are out there.
SPEAKER_03And so well, and there's there's things that come up during a relationship like health concerns, yeah. You know, people's health change.
SPEAKER_00So absolutely we wanted to keep that very vague.
SPEAKER_02Um but let's talk a little bit um just uh in a few minutes we got left. Um do you have a couple best practices? Um, just a couple um tips, and and then um uh tell the listeners how they can uh reach out to you.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Yeah, I think the one of the first things that comes to mind as far as best practices is what we call what a lot of people call active listening. And what that means is so often when when we're listening to a conversation, uh we're trying to formulate our response. And it's kind of hard to get out of. But when your spouse is talking to you, stop formulating your response and just listen. Um, and then if there's something you don't understand or something you don't like that she's saying, start asking questions and non-accusatory questions. Um questions usually that will help you better understand where she's coming from. Um, again, we get into this in family of origin, but but try to understand where they're coming from. So if if they're like let's say Cress is being loud, Krest is not loud at all, but let's say she's being loud, you know, don't say why are you being loud because that that's very accusatory. But say, hey, I've I'm not uh it's is this serious right now?
SPEAKER_03What's going on?
SPEAKER_00Like what's going on, you know. Can we get this a little quieter for me, please? Um you know, but but don't don't ask accusatory questions because I'm very good at that. I ask a lot of accusatory questions.
SPEAKER_02You know, and because of my background, and so I've had to work on that.
SPEAKER_00And so it does take time, it does take practice, but you can get there where you know you're not asking the accusatory questions and and really dive in and find out why they're saying the things they're saying, why they're doing the things they're doing, because you're gonna be surprised that it's not a lot of the time.
SPEAKER_03The answer is I don't know, that's just how I do it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, and it's not a uh they're not really angry at you, they're not really frustrated at you. That's just how they're expressing themselves. And if you if you can start to understand that, then these arguments don't become so heated, they become more discussions on how we're gonna move this marriage forward together.
SPEAKER_02You know, one thing you mentioned before when we spoke is that it's not a matter of right or wrong.
SPEAKER_04Right, right.
SPEAKER_02You know, and and I I think what you were saying is just like uh family of origin, it's not that one side is right and the other one's wrong. It's just understanding where you're coming from. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yep. So my favorite best practice tip that we that we do uh a hundred times a day, not quite, but uh check-ins.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_03We check each other a lot. It takes sometimes two seconds to send a text message that says, Hey, that's that's all you gotta do is say hey. Yeah. Then it lets your partner know you're thinking about it. You're thinking about her. Yes. For women, that is everything. Yeah, she can be having the worst day and get a text message from her husband that just says, Hi, I'm thinking about you. How long did that take to type? Yeah, nothing. So that is going to make her smile internally, if not externally.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we do that. Um, we do that with our kids too. Um just the the check-in with them. Um, I that that's a wonderful, wonderful tip. Um, you guys have been awesome. Uh I wish we could uh talk for hours and hours, but I definitely want to get you guys back. Uh tell our listeners how they can contact you and reach out and find out more about your life uh coaching program.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, uh you can check out uh deviation bydesign.com. And on that website, you'll be able to read more about our coaching program, kind of what we offer. More about us, more about us. Okay. And uh if if you're interested at that point, you're you can book a call with us. Um that yeah, it's deviation bydesign.com.
SPEAKER_02Deviation by design.com. All right. I'm gonna put that on my website if it's all right, a link. That's awesome. So people can can check it out. Um, Justin and Krusta, we are about out of time. Uh, this has been everything and more that uh I had hoped for. Um I really, really thank you guys uh for uh taking out the time uh to uh to to chat with us. Um my wife Monica is right here. Uh I'm gonna get her on one of these days. Um, but uh uh she's excited to uh to get to meet you guys. And so in the in the coming weeks, uh I'm gonna reach out to schedule um a preliminary session just so we can start the conversation.
SPEAKER_03Perfect. You've enjoyed it.
SPEAKER_02Thank you so much, the same here. Uh so uh we've come to the end of episode number four, uh Better Together, a man's perspective. Uh today, our great guest, Jesta and uh Kresta, please check out um give me that website one more time, Deviations.
SPEAKER_00Deviation by design bydesign.com.
SPEAKER_02All right, guys. Uh thanks for tuning in. Um we appreciate your support. Uh tell a friend about the podcast and checking out deviations by deviation bydesign.com and get some great, useful tips about how to make your marriage stronger and uh better so that you can be better together uh forever. Uh thanks again for tuning in and uh talk to you next time.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for listening to Better Together from a Man's Perspective. If you enjoyed this podcast, please follow or subscribe on your favorite platform so you can stay up to date on new episodes. Better Together is sponsored by Redemption, grace extended, and the real price of success. Buy it on Amazon or direct at www.thebarkbutlerstory.com. Until next time.