6. Spring Cleaning: Toxic relationships

**Trigger Warning**

Trigger warning: This episode contains discussions about toxic relationships and mentions abuse. The content may be distressing or triggering for survivors of abusive relationships or those who have experienced trauma related to abuse. Listener discretion is advised. If you need support, please seek the help of a trained professional or reach out to the resource in the resources below.

Do you feel trapped in an unhealthy relationship and don’t know what to do? Guess what? You may need to declutter your toxic relationships. In this episode, I dig deep into the signs of a toxic relationship, how to clean the cause of toxic danger, and how to prioritize yourself and break free from an abusive relationship. If you are ready to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life, this episode is for you!

Top reasons to listen to the entire episode:

1. Learn the commonalities in toxic relationships.
2. Discover set boundaries for yourself and not for others.
3. Find out how to release your negative emotions from toxic relationships.

Mentioned Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233

Build Your Village Episode

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Have you come to the point in your life where doing that work, church, home, repeat just isn't working for you anymore? And you know there's gotta be more to life than this. Then girl, you've come to the right place. I'm Kimberly Knight, and this is the Position Podcast. As a certified coach, consultant, author, and speaker, I've had the privilege of helping women to position themselves for success in life-loving business. So if you're ready for some wisdom wrapped up in a little bit of girlfriend, join me and other experts each week as we give you the conversation coaching and keys you need to take you to your next steps. Welcome to the Position Podcast. I'm your host, Kimberly Knight, and today I want to talk to you about breaking free of toxic relationships. Now, traditionally with spring cleaning, we would do things like declutter and organize, maybe repaint a room, and I'm all for that. However, I think that sometimes we ignore the weightier matters when we are spring cleaning. Today, I really want to talk about breaking free of toxic relationships, right? So the same way you declutter your home or your office, let's talk about some of these relationships that may need to be decluttered. Before we start talking about how to break free of them, we need to identify what does a toxic relationship look like? So a toxic relationship, it can like just suck the life right out of you. And some of us have had histories of getting ourselves into toxic relationships and staying way too long. So what exactly is the definition of a toxic relationship? Well, according to Dr. Linda Glass, she says any relationship between people who don't support each other, where there's conflict or one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition, where there's disrespect or a lack of cohesiveness is a toxic relationship. Now, does this sound like any of your past or present relationships? Can you identify with this? I want to dig a little bit deeper because in addition to what we would normally think about like a romantic relationship, there are also toxic relationships in business, in our family, in our friendships, with your colleagues, you name it. So we're talking about relationships across the board. The other thing that I find interesting in my work with my coaching clients is that a lot of times people will know they're in toxic relationships or relationships that are less than ideal, but they'll just justify and rationalize it away. So it's not that we don't realize it sometimes, it's that we either don't want to or feel we can't do anything about it. In order to be able to break free of a toxic relationship, we have to be able to identify what are some possible indicators of a toxic relationship. So here are some commonalities you may find in toxic relationships. Number one, controlling behavior. Toxic relationships often have an element of control. The other person always having to have their way, or insisting that they be the center of attention. Or here's another one that is an issue of control, refusing to take responsibility when it is obviously their fault. Or in a romantic relationship, wanting to know where you are every hour of the day. That is control, and that is definitely one of the markers of a toxic relationship. Number two, distrust, mistrust, or lack of trust. Now that goes hand in hand with control, but it's also demanding. It's never being able to take you at your word, or you can't take that person at their word. Do you doubt everything they say, or is everything you say doubted? Or have you ever been quizzed because somebody's trying to catch you in a lie? That could be the sign of a toxic relationship. I have seen it go as far as a romantic partner driving by to see if his girlfriend was where she said she was. And I'm changing a few of the details to protect the innocent. She said she was going to the library. So instead of him trusting that that's what she was going to do, he actually drove by the library and then went in and peeped in to make sure she was there and to see if she was there with anyone. Now, again, that's the combination of control and distrust, and both of those behaviors are toxic. Number three, justifying poor behavior. Now, listen, in a toxic relationship, there are times when we will justify other people's behavior. Explaining it away, defending them to family and friends, even though we know the behavior is out of order. Deep down we know that the way they're acting, there really is no justification, but we feel obligated either by a misguided sense of loyalty or fear of being alone or what consequences may be if we have to deal with the truth. So we justify the behavior rather than address it. Here's another sign of a toxic relationship. And I want to be sensitive because this one, I've seen it so many times in my work. And it's not just a sign of toxicity, it's a sign of danger. And that is abuse. That is abuse in all of its forms and fashions, and no abuse is acceptable. Hear me when I say that. Abuse is not acceptable. Whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, no abuse is acceptable. Now, while most people are very familiar with physical or sexual abuse, we haven't always thought about the other forms of abuse. And of course, control is one of those forms, but there's also spiritual abuse. And I've seen this where one party will use the Bible to control another's actions, thoughts, movements, or uh won't allow them to attend their services. So that is a form of spiritual abuse. I've actually seen where a gentleman blocked the door so his wife couldn't go to church. He barricaded her in the home. So we want to be aware of things like that. Also, fairly new to the game is technological abuse. Things like using technology to track your movements, taking your phone to isolate you, putting passwords on your devices that you don't have access to. That's toxic. That's abuse and that's danger. I've seen it where a spouse has taken a phone and put a password on it. And not only did she have to make requests for the password, she also had to do certain things before she was air quotes allowed to use her own phone. That is abuse and it is toxic and it is dangerous. And I take this very seriously, and I want you to take this very seriously. If you are experiencing any of those toxic signs of abuse, I am going to put a hotline number in the show notes so that you can get the help and the support that you need. Now, for those of you who are in abusive situations to this magnitude, understand that you're going to need support. You're going to need strategy. You're going to need a plan if you plan to leave this type of a toxic relationship. Don't attempt to do this on your own. Reach out for the professional help and assistance that you need in order to not only break free, but to be safe. I also want to talk to those of us who love people in abusive situations. Understand that according to statistics, it takes six to eight attempts before someone is able to leave an abuser. Six to eight attempts. Understand that it is also the most dangerous time that you will encounter during an abusive relationship. That time period when they have made the decision to leave. So it is not that easy. So please let us be patient, let us be understanding. Let us not push people beyond their ability to cope in that moment. Give them the space, the support, and the latitude, not only to make those decisions and to have that mindset shift, that they're ready to leave that toxicity and that abusive relationship, but also that they have the support and the plan that they need to do so and be safe. So again, I am leaving that contact information for you to reach out for professional level help if you find yourself or someone you love in an abusive, toxic relationship. Now, number five, when we look at toxic relationship identifiers, you're going to see passive aggressive behavior. Does your partner do things like forget things, quote unquote, that are very important to you? For instance, you say, please, you know, you promise to pick up the dry cleaning. I have this big event coming up. If you can't do it, just let me know. But it's going to be closed when I get home. I can make other arrangements, but they say, oh, don't worry about it. I can get it done. And then they forget. Or rather than confronting an issue head on, they'll make little snide comments or comments that rather than support the relationship and support open, honest communication, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you are, for lack of a better phrase, going crazy, gaslighting, all those things, these little passive aggressive things can be the sign of a toxic relationship. So if you're getting a lot of excuses and abundance of I forgot, or you shouldn't feel that way, or you know, these little passive aggressive things, you may be in a toxic relationship. Number six, you might be in a toxic relationship if there is lying going on. And this may require a little bit more explanation, because the lies may be from you or they may be from the other party. If you are constantly being lied to by the other party, you could be in a toxic relationship. Or if you find yourself having to lie to keep the peace, you could be in a toxic relationship. If you're having to lie about things that bother you in the relationship because you cannot have open, honest communication, you could be in a toxic relationship. So these are just a few of the possible signs that you may be in a toxic relationship. Now, again, this is not an exhaustive list, just something so that you can begin to see: are these relationship habits healthy? Are these interactions healthy? Are the things that go on in my relationship, whether it's romantic or business or church or family, are they more transactional rather than relational? Are they toxic? Now that you've identified whether the relationship is toxic, you can begin to break free of its orbit. You start by acknowledging the toxicity, not to the other party, but to yourself. You have to recognize and accept that this relationship is toxic and it is causing harm to your well-being. You do not need to have a discussion with the other party. It is not your responsibility to attempt to change their behavior, nor is it recommended. It is enough to change our own behavior, right? And the way we see our world rather than to take on someone else's stuff. That is not your job. It is their job to work out their own stuff. You focus on you. Once you've acknowledged it to yourself, then you need to set and enforce some boundaries here. Now, clearly communicating our boundaries, I think sometimes we as women want to sit down and have this long drawn-out discussion and try to come to a meeting of the minds. And I'll tell you the truth, if someone is toxic nine times out of 10, that's not going to go smoothly. Setting the boundaries are for you, not for them. So learn to be assertive and let them know what behavior is not acceptable and understand the difference between assertive and aggressive. Here is where I've seen a lot of people go off the rails, right? So assertive means that you're learning how to express your feelings, your needs, your boundaries, and you're doing that without feeling guilty. You're doing that without being afraid of retaliation. Aggressive means that you are pursuing your interests very forcefully or you're likely to attack and confront. And that is not what I'm talking about. One of the ways that you can embrace assertiveness is not allowed to amorph into aggression and dealing with stuff as it happens. See, a lot of times aggression happens because we've built up frustration over time because we didn't deal with it early on, right? So we've been taking it and taking it and taking it and taking it time after time. And at the hundredth time, we blow up. And then it becomes more about the blow up than the actual issue that led up to it. So being assertive means I am handling as it comes. I am not going to let it build up until I'm frustrated and aggressive. Being assertive means I am able to control and contain my emotions, even if the other person cannot control theirs. Being assertive also means that I am fully aware and I fully accept that I cannot change anyone else's behavior, nor am I responsible to do so. That said, you may need to seek professional support because this may be difficult, right? So, I mean, I'm sitting here, I'm sharing this with you during the podcast, but this may be easier said than done. So you may need professional support. I am a believer in Jesus and therapy. And I have to tell you, I've done both. And I think that if you are experiencing toxic relationships, especially if you see a pattern, especially if you keep having the same transactions or interactions with people, different faces, same circumstances. The common denominator there is us, right? So when we find ourselves in the same pattern again and again and again, then we're the common denominator and we need to look at what we're bringing to the situation or allowing to be brought to the situation. And you may need professional support to do that. Again, I'm going to say for those of you who are in abusive relationships, not just toxicity, but abusive relationships as well, please, in the show notes, you're going to find resources that you can reach out to to assist you if you find yourself in an abusive relationship. Do not do this alone. That said, when you find yourself in a toxic relationship and you're ready to break free, begin to create distance. And when I say create distance, I'm not just talking about physical distance, although that helps. I'm also talking about the emotional distance because the emotional distance or the lack thereof is what draws us back into toxic situations. So limiting your interactions and avoiding engaging in arguments and discussions that can trigger negative emotions or toxic patterns. That is what I'm talking about when I say you need to break free emotionally, begin to create that distance emotionally. Also, you want to fill that void. See, here's the thing: you know, there's a scripture that says that when the house is found cleaned and swept, that that spirit, that evil spirit, will come back and bring seven more powerful than himself. So there's a saying that nature abhors a vacuum. You've got to fill that space and place with something. So you're taking this toxicity out of your life. What are you putting in your life? It is time for some radical self-care, prioritizing your self-care. And when I talk about self-care, I'm not talking about a manning and a petty. Okay? I'm not talking about your lips, hips, and fingertips. Now, those who know your girl know I am good for a good pedicure and a massage, but depending on the level of toxicity, that may not be enough. I am talking about self-care that nurtures you emotionally, mentally, and physically, engaging activities that bring you joy and promote your spiritual growth. I'm talking about things like making sure that your mind, will, and emotions are being taken care of, nurtured, healed, made whole. Anytime you have been in a toxic situation, it has depleted you in some way. So this time and this season of self-care and prioritizing your self-care is to replenish that that has been poured out. And depending on the type and the length of toxicity, getting your nails done won't fix that, girls. You also need to build or rebuild your village because a lot of times when you have been in a toxic relationship, one of the areas of control is keeping you from enjoying other people or relationships or monitoring how much time and attention you give them. So surround yourself with positive people. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care for your well-being and who encourage your growth. Surround yourself with people who will support you moving forward and healthy interactions. And I talk about this more in my episode called Building Your Village. And I'm going to put that in the show notes too. So you'll find a link to that in the show notes. Also, you want to examine and evaluate your own behavior. And when I say that, I'm talking about reflecting on your own actions, behaviors, and responses within your relationships. This is not equal to keeping yourself in bondage to the past or to regret. You have to let it go so that you don't drag yesterday into your future, that you don't drag your past into your future, because that's what regret is, right? You want to travel light. You want to unpack that back. You don't want to carry it around, but you cannot unpack what you're not willing to look at. And again, this may require the help of a mental health professional. There may be someone in your village, there may not. Perhaps some of the things that you've been through and you experienced, you may need a professional. Don't be afraid to do that. The benefit of having a professional help you do that is they can also help you to create a strategy that will help you to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. What I find is therapy was really good for helping people to find out the how and the why. And once you identify those things, you can then begin to create a plan for it not happening in the future. But again, you got to evaluate your own behavior. You've got to look at it and you've got to be willing to take responsibility for anything that was your part. Can't get free from what you don't acknowledge. And lastly, you want to let go of the guilt and the blame. Listen, we've all made mistakes. We've all had toxic relationships that we knew were toxic. And I have to tell you, most of the times we're pretty much aware that something is not right. And we may not be able to put our finger on it to give you chapter and verse, but we know something about this doesn't feel right. So if you find yourself saying, wow, I should have known better. Wow, I should have been out of this sooner, or this was so bad for me and I knew it and I didn't do anything about it, let it go. Release the guilt, release the blame. You take responsibility for your own behavior, but you do that while also giving yourself grace. Remember, you can't control other people's actions, thoughts, and reactions. You don't have to feel guilty for that. And one of the toxic behaviors is trying to give you their responsibilities or blaming you for everything. No one person is totally at fault. You are not responsible for someone else's actions and reactions, just your own. You cannot control anyone else's actions or reactions, just your own. You cannot release someone else from guilt and blame. You can forgive them, but if they decide to blame themselves or feel guilty, that's on them. You can only be responsible for your own. And I am telling you today, release the blame, release the guilt, live free. So as you move forward and you now have identified this toxic relationship and you're ready to be free. I want you to remember these points. Acknowledge the toxicity, set and enforce really good boundaries, seek professional support if you need it, especially if you find yourself in an abusive relationship. Create distance, prioritize your self-care, build your village, evaluate your own behavior, and let go of the guilt and the blame. And don't forget this one. Do not try to take responsibility for someone else's stuff. Let them work their own stuff out. That's on them, and you're not responsible for that. Now that you know how to identify toxic relationships and how to begin to break free, I hope that you will do your own spring cleaning so that you're able to have happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. I would love to hear from you and how this is working for you. My contact information is in the show notes. Until next time, be wonderfully blessed. Bye now. That's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you're listening so you never miss one. I would love it if you would share the podcast with your friends, post about it on Facebook and Instagram, or leave a review. That way you can help me to bring you more great content and expert guests. Until next week, be blessed.