Positioned with Kimberly Knight
Our host, Kimberly Knight, is a certified coach, business consultant, educator, author, and speaker who has dedicated her life to helping women achieve their goals. Each week, Kimberly will dive into the issues that women face on their journey toward success. From relationships to parenting, work-life balance to entrepreneurship, financial security to personal growth, we cover it all.
In addition to exploring these important topics, we also share inspiring stories from other women who have overcome similar challenges to show you what’s possible. Plus, we’ll bring experts who can provide valuable insights and practical advice to help you take action and make things happen.
So, if you’re looking for a whole lot of wisdom wrapped in a little bit of girlfriend, tune in each week to the Positioned podcast. Kimberly is here to help you achieve the success you deserve!
Positioned with Kimberly Knight
44: Love Insurance - Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn
Episode 44: Love Insurance: Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn
- Join us for a fun and insightful conversation with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn, who’ve celebrated over 25 years of marriage and are excited to share their secrets.
- Get the scoop on essential premarital counseling tips and learn how discussing money, intimacy, child-rearing, and communication can set up a lifelong marital fulfillment.
- Dive into the “Cinderella story” myths and emphasize the importance of having realistic expectations.
- Discover how premarital counseling helps align dreams and dealbreakers, fostering relationships built on honesty and flexibility.
- For single sisters preparing for marriage, this episode is a goldmine of wisdom on self-knowledge, personal healing, and building a strong foundation.
- Be inspired by the Langhorns’ incredible journey—balancing 25 years of marriage, ministry, a HUGE family, and multiple businesses while keeping their faith and communication strong.
- This was such a fun and engaging interview—we had a blast, and you’re going to love their energy and insights!
Connect with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn:
- Website: Igniteourfirecoach.com
- Email: Igniteourfire@gmail.com
Discover Their Books:
- Ruth Langhorn: RuthLanghorn.com
- Finding Grace For Your Race
- This Time It's About Me
- Marcel Langhorn: MarcelCLanghorn.com
- The Making of HiSTORY
Connect with Kimberly
Join the waiting list for Positioned for Love - Ready to find the love you've prayed for and deserve? Join Kimberly's Positioned For Love program, tailored for single Christian women, and gain exclusive early access to our next enrollment.
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Visit her website
Download your copy now -> Should You Take Your Ex Back
All right, everyone. Welcome to the Positioned Podcast. I am your host, kimberly Knight, and today I am joined by some of my best friends in this whole wide God-loved world, pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorne. They've been married almost no more than 25 years, right.
Speaker 2:More than 25 years Going on 26.
Speaker 1:Going on 26. All right, they have have nine children, 10 grandchildren. They look good y'all. It don't crack, it don't crack. Look at that. Yes, yes, they're also the lead, the lead pastors of dunamis discipleship ministries. Student. No, wait, a minute, wait, wait, let me get it straight because it's d3 dunamis Discipleship Ministries. No, wait, a minute, wait, wait, let me get it straight because it's D3. Dunamis.
Speaker 2:Deliverance, discipleship, ministry D3.
Speaker 1:Come on, got it, it's my peeps right there and also the founders of Ignite, our Fire Marriage Ministry. I just. They are the bees knees people and when it comes to the family mountain, they have climbed this mountain, conquered the mountain, planted their flag, claimed it for Jesus, and they're going to share some of that with us today. And they are definitely advocates for marriage, marriage God's way, and for strong covenant relationships. So we're going to talk a little bit about that today. Welcome, my friend, welcome, welcome.
Speaker 3:Hello Kevin, we go back a long ways.
Speaker 1:A long listen. I could tell some stories, but I won't. One of these days we are going to tell some of those stories because we definitely have been through the fire, the rain, a few hurricanes, a flash flood or two, Jesus don't run out of gas, but God has been faithful through it all.
Speaker 3:Yes, Lord.
Speaker 1:He's been faithful through it all and you've been good friends through it all, so I bless God for you. Yes, we're glad to be here, I'm glad to have you I couldn't wait.
Speaker 1:I couldn't wait. I was really excited, because when it comes to marriage, y'all really are the real thing. You know, I've I've been privy to. I've sat at your table right, I've held your kids' hands while they crossed the street. Now they got babies of their own. I cannot believe. Oh, my gosh, right, I've seen.
Speaker 1:You know, this is not something that's theoretical, or, you know, sometimes you see influencers and they want to talk a good game, but you don't know how they're living behind the scenes. I know how you live, right, and y'all are the real deal. So I feel like you have so much to share. I'm going to get out of your way. One of the things that I wanted to hear from you, especially in light of you founding Ignite Our Fire is really I want to go in at the deep end, y'all, because y'all know me by now. You know, is prenatal counseling really necessary? Because some folks, some folks for it, you know, or they don't feel like it's needed. So I know that's one of the things that you do in your pastoral roles, but it's also something that you focus on and ignite your fire. So tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, we've grew up and really when we got married over 25 years ago, we did not have premarital counseling or had any mentorship in that area. That's been something that. But during the course of the years we noticed how vital it is, you know, when it comes down to knowing your mate, knowing someone that you're going to be in covenant relationship for the rest of your life, and what that consists of. And I think a lot of times people just meditate and ponder and get so mushy about the love factor of just loving their mate. But after the love is gone, or after the love has subsided, then what, right? Who's good in money management? Come on. Who's good in raising kids? You know, what are all these other factors that come into play that we don't talk about because we're so into I love you, I love you, I love you.
Speaker 3:But there is more to marriage than just loving your mate. There are things that need to be done structurally. There are things that need to be done as it relates to coming into an agreement. There's some non-negotiables, there's a lot that goes on with that. So I think it's important for us to begin to navigate those questions, and that's what premarital sessions deal with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think premarital counseling is definitely necessary. It's a foundation, it's an investment right. It's how you build a strong foundation and how you begin a wise investment for your life. And I think I echo what my husband said, because we didn't have that, we realized the value of it. So much, so many mistakes. We probably wouldn't have made Things we did if we had someone sitting down and really opening up questions. That's what happens when you do premarital counseling sitting down and really opening up questions. That's what happens when you do premarital counseling. You begin to have questions opened up and conversations, because marriage is a hundred percent based on communication and just understanding. You know, learning the languages, and so those questions need to be asked. And it's an investment, a wise investment, to put yourself in, you know, for your marriage, before you get married and even while you're married. Good, to get marital counseling right.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Before the fire is really hit. We want to ignite your fire Before it burns the house down. Yeah, before it burns the house down.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I just have to go back to something Marcel said, because I think it is so powerful. And sometimes especially I know, during my single season it's so easy to get caught up in the romance piece and how you're feeling and the butterflies, and did I kiss him and my foot popped. If I see that in one more movie, right, that might be plantar fasciitis, we don't know. Listen, you lift up your foot for a whole lot of different reasons. Your shoe might be too tight, I don't know. But when we start talking about marriage, I'm going to need more than that, and I hear you when you're saying that that romantic piece, it's gone.
Speaker 1:It just wear off some by some of these practical things that we haven't put any anything in place for, right. So so, going back to that, I think that is so key. Did you know that there that, uh, biologically, when you are infatuated with someone for 18 months, your brain chemistry has changed? It literally changes your brain chemistry, right? Yeah, so tech. That's why people get past that quote honeymoon stage, and then it's like, oh my gosh, what did I do? I married the wrong person. No, you don't have to walk this out now, right, like, just like your salvation with fear and trembling, and what are those practical things that we need to look at putting in place before we say I do?
Speaker 3:Right, right, yeah, that's you know, I mean you said you know 18 months, but you know we see people that want to get into 18 weeks and 18 days, get married.
Speaker 1:That's a real talk.
Speaker 3:Right, they're ready, real talk. Right, they're ready to tie the knot. They think that there's nobody else when you don't even know the half about an individual. When it comes down to that, and I think, and I've heard it, and I know it to be a reality, that before you say I do, you have to know an individual in all seasons of life.
Speaker 3:Come on, that's good you know, you have to know them. How are they when they get angry? How are they when they get stressed out? Do they retreat? Do they go to drinking? Do they go to drugging? You know what is it. You have to know them in all aspects of life and I think we don't give enough time spent in premarital sessions and counseling in order for people to understand, to know their mate in all seasons. Yeah, you know them. In the happy seasons, you know.
Speaker 3:But what about when things are not going right? What about when you get sick or you broke your leg? Would your mate then come to you and assist you before you even got married? How are they going to react to it? You know, when you can't do certain things or you're not bringing in the right income, you know at that particular junction of your life, not because you know you're lazy or anything, because you're just in a season that you have to navigate in order to get out of that season. So it's important just to just to experience that gamut in a relationship so that people can know OK, yes, I've married the right person, someone that I'm compatible with, somebody, someone that I know that will be in right, in the right, in the right tune of where I'm going and where I'm heading at. So all of that is so necessary.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think counseling opens that communication up.
Speaker 2:It begins to ask those questions and present those things, so that you can kind of hear a person talk, and because being pre-counseling is pretty much being a mediator, one in between, because being pre-counseling is pretty much being a mediator, one in between, and that can really begin to present situations to the people, the spouses that are getting married, the people getting married, so that they can begin to have an open communication to say, yeah, this is how I feel about it, so you know, you're not bamboozled at the end, you know. So that's what the counseling does and why it's important.
Speaker 3:And a lot of times I think what we need to do is, you know, what we do in our premarital counseling sessions is that we talk about things that we know that they don't talk about. Right, just really delve into things that they know and you know. You know who's good's good in money management, which one who handles the money, who's the spender and who's a saver, or both of y'all spending your life away. You know. You know who wants a house, how many kids you want.
Speaker 2:You know, uh, yeah, right, what's absolute, you know, like the absolute right. Yeah, absolute negotiable Right.
Speaker 3:If you found it in an area of infidelity, what's going to happen? How will you respond to it? Is that the end all? Is that one of your non-negotiables? Understanding what marriage consists of? And just allowing couples, when they do come to us, to begin to navigate those kinds of questions, and then having homework to ponder and exercises to see where they are in a relationship and how how much do you really know your mate?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you know I'm listening and I one of the things and I've said it on the show many, many times money issues break up more couples than infidelity.
Speaker 1:So it's very interesting that you brought up both of those things, cause you're like not neck and neck, but they're, you know, one behind the other and you have those discussions right. So I'm one of those people who believes that straight talk makes a straight understanding. Especially before you get married, you want to know what you're getting yourself into, and this decision, to me, is so impactful. The only thing that I feel is more impactful, decision-wise, is your decision to follow Christ. The second most impactful decision on your life is who you marry, because that really is going to guide the course of your life and you know, and your direction, what you do, what you don't do, where you go, you know how far you can take your dreams and things like that. So that's really interesting. And what comes to mind for me then is do you? Have you ever gotten into these counseling sessions and you're like, oh, y'all should not be married?
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, oh yeah, we just had one. Yeah, that wasn't good to the last day.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, yeah I think that choice timing is everything. It's not so much always that they don't need to get married, it's just that they don't need to get married now sometimes. Yeah, that's good Because they're not mature enough and ready for the gamuts of things that come against marriage spiritually. So you know it's important, you know to be honest with them and tell them the requirements is not the recommendation is not you shouldn't get married, but mostly that y'all need more time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's wisdom. That's wisdom, I think, that you know, in Titus 2, it says that the older women should teach the younger women you know, how to be wives and mothers, how to keep their own homes and and um be about their business. Right, um, and also there is um. I always say we don't date in a vacuum. There has to be somebody who knows you and somebody who knows you, so somebody who K? N O W you-W you, who knows how you tick and what ticks you off. Right, and that would be coming into counseling. And then somebody who can say no to you like no, this is not the time, no, this is not the person, no, this is not the place. Right, because it's to save us from disaster. Yeah, you know why not spend that extra six months worth of counseling on the front end so we're not doing, six years later, a divorce on the back end? Ask me how I know Jesus saves. I come in peace.
Speaker 1:That's real talk. That's real talk, right. And I don't think that we have that discussion enough in the kingdom. Like you know, if, if we're bothians and we're equally yoked, not so right, so it's not enough just to be, you know, we both love jesus, oh, and we love each other, okay, but there's some real, real stuff that we need to talk, to talk about, like, I don't want to see your mother every weekend and eat her chili on every sunday night. I love your mother, I just don't.
Speaker 1:I that's not how I want to spend my sunday night yeah, right yeah um, so I think that that what you're doing here is so powerful because maybe, maybe we can impact the divorce rate, which, statistically, has been just as high in the church as it has been outside of the church which is very much so, yeah, very much so, yeah, a lot of that has to do with expectations.
Speaker 2:What do you think about expectations in marriage? Yeah, I think a lot of expectations are false and yeah, it is the way picket fence. Right, huh, the way, the white yeah, the white picket fence, but I think that it's only because the truth hasn't been presented to them. Yes, and I think that you can. You can dream dreams and want certain things, but real life and experience. We talked about this.
Speaker 2:we talked about time equity right, like putting that time in with people who have been married and saying you know, asking the right questions and saying you know, this is how I see it and be being flexible, because marriage is all about flexibility. Yeah, marriage is all about flexibility and so you know, you, you have to really allow yourself to become. I say that marriage is not I come in here and you're going to form to what I want. Marriage is we come together and we're going to form something new.
Speaker 2:Right. God called us to be, so there's going to be some tests and trials and some things, but we do believe in giving your negotiables and non-negotiables. I think that you should have that from the door, like certain things that you can say he wants 17 kids and I don't want any, we don't have a problem.
Speaker 2:And I don't think you should get married, you know what I'm saying, and you need to be honest with each other. There should be some negotiables, or, if you can't handle that, we need to get married. Something as simple as that. We believe we're going to change people. Yeah, no, don't, don't have these grand um expectations of you know, especially us women. Right? We believe that I can change him I can.
Speaker 1:We have enough problems trying to change ourselves.
Speaker 2:Come on oh listen, our hormones go and change up on us so we, like this today, say that come on. So I think the expectations we deal with a lot in marriage counseling to help you figure out what's rational, what's reasonable and what's not yeah, I think that's necessary.
Speaker 3:Uh, and I think that's what the whole basis of the marriage counseling consists of is to have them be forced to dialogue about their desires, their wants, their likes, their dislikes, and begin to have a conversation of what that looks like.
Speaker 3:I don't like it. When you did this in front of your mother-in-law you embarrass me Having those kind of conversations so that they're understanding about you know how we should function in the public and in private. Come on, you know, and it's just those areas that I think is necessary, because the expectation he may just feel like, okay, I'm just joking, but she may not feel that way, and then we tap into some insecurities in her that draws the relationship apart than joining it together. So just having those realistic expectations of who you are and when we are joking, that we both come into an agreement of what the boundaries of those areas are you know what are the boundaries, and I think that's what expectations help us. It helps us, with boundaries, understanding what is realistic boundaries, safe boundaries, healthy boundaries for us to begin to build this new relationship that we find ourselves in.
Speaker 1:So good. Oh my gosh, this is so good. I really think that if a lot of people took the time to really do this and were open and honest, we would have different outcomes. Right? One of the things we do in Position for Love, which is my program for single sisters who want to stop embracing their singleness and get married. What are your expectations? Right? And I call it the Cinderella story. What's your Cinderella story? Tell me what your Cinderella story is, because I could tell you what mine is. Can I tell you what my Cinderella story was? Yeah, come on.
Speaker 1:Because I don't know if y'all know, y'all don't know what my Cinderella story is.
Speaker 2:You don't know what my Cinderella story is.
Speaker 1:You don't know how to keep a little something to keep our relationship exciting. I cannot. So you know I'm a good church girl at heart, right? So you know my, my Cinderella story got to be holy, yeah, holiness over here. Okay, so my Cinderella story is I'm going to be at church one day, cause of course the only thing I was doing was church, home and the kids and work, right and, and occasional shopping. So you know it had to involve the church. So I was going to be at church one Sunday and you know I always sit in the same little seat and I was going to come and there was going to be somebody, like you know, a seat next to me and it was going to be.
Speaker 1:One of the families was having a family reunion. You know how all the cousins come, right, they're going to come to Big Mama's church for the family reunion, to big mama's church for the family reunion. So they were all coming and this tall, dark, handsome, rich, well-spoken man was going to come and say, is this seat taken? And he was going to sit here and the aunties were going to be in the back going. That's the Lord putting that together. That's what. That's the Lord. That ain't nothing but Jesus right there. Now there's 300 other seats Right, but that's Jesus right there and he was going to sit down and one thing was going to lead to another and then we were going to have coffee. But of course we're going to have coffee at the reunion because, you know, we don't. We don't want to be alone together and give the appearance of evil. That's part of my Cinderella story story. Lord, have mercy on the church today.
Speaker 1:And for those who know and I know y'all know my meeting, my husband didn't look anything like that when I say it couldn't have been further down the spectrum, if, if we said this is the spectrum and this is one end and this is the other end, it couldn couldn't have been further away. And uh, you know cause? I met my husband online. We, we met and married in eight months and it was. It was just totally different than my son. It didn't hit any of my little Cinderella points and I had to tell him. I was like you know, this did not pan out the way my fantasy said it should. And he just looks at me, he laughs, he walks away. But this was not my fantasy. You were supposed to come in and you know where are the aunties? Where?
Speaker 1:are the aunties that were supposed to be like. That's Jesus. Where are they Right? But sometimes we get so caught up in that that we miss the moment.
Speaker 1:And let me tell you, can I be honest with y'all, miss the moment. And let me tell you, can I be honest with y'all, my spiritual mother, who you know, who I love dearly, who has spoken into my life just as long as y'all have been in my life she said to me I remember when I met my husband and she was the one who pulled me out of fantasy land and I might have missed a good husband, I might have missed this marriage, if she had not known me. You know how I say you have to K-N-O-W somebody and she was like not so fast, let's see where this goes, because the one thing I was was submitted right, if you see a change in me while I'm dating him, I need you to tell me that, if I'm telling you some of the things he's saying, because whatever he said to me, I told her.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm like I'm letting you know right now, she's going to know all your business, all of it, accountability, okay.
Speaker 1:And I had to do that and even though I was 48 years old at the time, I was mentoring young women, right. So all I was ministering to women. I had four ministries at the church I oversaw. So I wanted to be as accountable as I asked them to be, even though at 48, people would say you grown, grown, I'm grown, grown, grown, grown right At 48 years old. But I wanted to be submitted. I also. I know that the last time I made a choice about a marriage it didn't turn out the way I wanted and again, we didn't have that kind of counseling. We didn't have the practical things that you were talking about. We just thought those things would work themselves out. They did not. They worked themselves out in divorce court. So when we finally started having real communication about practical stuff, we were in divorce court.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's a whole another show Y'all, I'll have to do that show. But with this one this was different, because before we, my spiritual mother said to me can't y'all just go to a movie or something? Because we were so busy having those kind of conversations, right, Like, what are your non-negotiables and you can't? Ladies, you cannot have 36,000 things on your non-negotiable.
Speaker 2:Come on, come on.
Speaker 1:There's a there's a big difference and let's stop watching these movies. And I'm not going to name names or networks, I'm just going to say let's stop watching these movies where the man has to always climb Rapunzel's wall. You got to be mean and bitter and he's got to get past all that because of your pain and he's got to help you past your pain. Stop, stop, stop. That's part of the cinderella fantasy. We're not going to do that right and give this man all of this extra work that he didn't create. Oh, I'm, I'm gonna get into my preach, so I'm gonna walk away from that somebody needed to hear that right yeah
Speaker 1:you need to work all that out. But we were having these practical conversations about um. At that time I was caretaking my mom. Like what does that mean for us? Where would we live? Because that I don't. I'm the only one who's caretaking, right, so I have all of her affairs I have to handle. I can only. I only want to be so far away. What about my, my children, even though they were of adult age? But what does that mean to you? Right, and you know very practical things like the kind of work that I do, the kind of work that he did. There was an aspect of my work. He's like I don't know if I could handle that, because I really don't know, because it was something that would put me into very special situations with people who may not like that I was there, right. So he was like I don't know. So I was like, okay, all this has to be discussed and what does this mean for us and what would you need to make you feel that I was safe and all those kinds of things, right?
Speaker 1:See, that's not sexy right, that's not sexy, but let's fast forward, right? So now we're in the marriage. It wasn't sexy beforehand, but now it'll save your sex life because you won't have all these little hidden agendas that are keeping you from wanting to be intimate with each other. Because you had the conversations right, I'm honestly free to be me, because you already know what makes me tick. You already know who I am. We had these discussions and I want to say, even with that, you still to your point, pastor Ruth, over there, you still don't have to be flexible, right, because what and what worked for you year one? I can tell you. Right now we're in year eight. There's some things we had to go back and go. That's not working. No more, that is not. We had to go back and go. That's not working. No more, that is not. We had to revisit.
Speaker 1:Times change, people change, our needs change. Our stage of life has changed. My husband's looking at retirement Glory, be to God, hallelujah. I know my brother over there beat us to it over there. Retired and living life, that changes. You know, you kind of have those perceptions. Yeah, oh, hallelujah. I feel so much better since I got that off my chest. That's oh, kim, y'all.
Speaker 1:This is the way we talk when we're, when we're together, we really do. We preach at each other, we prophesy, we laugh till we cry, we cry right and stuff, but in the end I love these people, like macaroni loves cheese. We love you. Come on, I'm so glad, I'm so glad. So I, I know that you know there are so many things now that are going on with marriage, um, in and out of the kingdom. There are so many things that are going on in the world.
Speaker 1:What kind of insights or advice could you give to the single sisters who are looking to get married, who may be in a serious relationship right now, maybe waiting for that ring, or may just have gotten the ring? We get the ring and then, all of a sudden, you know what we want to do. Right, we get the bride magazines. We get our board out, our Pinterest, we get started. We get the bride magazines. We get out that. We get our board out that Pinterest, we get started. We want to craft the invitations and we want to look at the what do you call those things? A flower arrangements and all that, and that's fun, and we should do that and enjoy that, right, yeah, what kind of practical information can you share, or tips with our single sisters that will save their marriages before they even start?
Speaker 2:wow, you want me to go, for I think you should go first, because I got a lot you'll never get in, but go ahead, you go first wow, um, I think the first thing that they need to they need to know is their identity.
Speaker 3:I think they need to know who they are and what, uh, you know what God is doing in their lives and and begin to heal some of those areas, uh, within their own personal walk.
Speaker 3:That is so necessary, um, for them to um to navigate, them to navigate before they get intertwined with their mate, and I think oftentimes, that what they don't realize is that marriage is not about finding the right person, but it's about having the right person, that you're building together, that unity and that bond in order to grow. Oftentimes, when you hear someone that I'm looking for the right person, it almost seems as if they are looking for the right person, but they are out of sync or they are not giving their half in order to contribute to become one. The Bible said the two shall become one and it's necessary for them to unite together and build together in order for them to experience the wholeness that they're going to experience, unlike when they were single. So that just navigating what that looks like and being open to both changing and transforming together in the image and likeness of God, but also in the responsibility and in the commitment that you both chose to be together in order to build, is necessary for them to to unite on that level as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah definitely. And.
Speaker 2:I would say preparation, like what he's talking about, in yourself. This is scripture. I was just looking at Proverbs 24,. 27 says prepare your work outside and get your fields ready. 27 says prepare your work outside and get your fields ready, then build your house and you begin to sow into yourself. That's what that scripture helps me understand.
Speaker 2:When I first got married I was young. I didn't have an opportunity. No one ever told me you know, like you need to know who you are before you say I do. And I think that caused a lot of conflict because I was waiting for him to tell me who I was or someone to affirm me when I needed to know who I was. And I think that if you prepare your heart as a woman for marriage, I think the greatest problem statistics say there's over especially Christian women. 70 percent of married women contemplate divorce because of their perception of what their position is. They really don't understand who they are as a helpmate and what is expected of them. So their expectations, like what you said, kim, are very grandeur and big and they don't really understand our role as a helpmate to help build up the man. So it's not to be their mama okay, it's not to tell them what to do and how to do it.
Speaker 2:But if you know who you are and begin to prepare yourself to be a wife that's full of favor, full of of the favor of the Lord, you understand who you go to. You go to the king of kings and he'll speak to the king of your household. And so a lot of it comes from not understanding. You know, the Bible says a wise woman builds up her house with her words. And so sometimes we tear down our house, not realizing we're doing it bit by bit, little by little. You don't realize you're taking out a center block on the side because of your frustration and your lack of contentment with what you see. And part of it is because you really just don't know who you are, how you are to speak to the king in the man, and so, and he becomes as you begin to speak, but you in the man, and so, and he becomes as you begin to speak. But you can't do that if no one ever really spoke up in you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think that, yeah, and so submission, understanding, that's my wisdom for the women, asking God to show you what that really looks like and who you are as a helpmate, and how to build up your husband, how to build up your house, even though you see it looking like, listen, we about to go down and he can't even do nothing. He don't see nothing but learning how to build that up. And when you learn how to do this before you get married, you put this into practice, you cultivate the ground, it'll become easier. I'm not going to say it's going to be easy, but it will become easier to do it and you'll find yourself staying married. You'll find yourself, you know, um, choosing. Well, let's say that first right, cause you got to choose well, well first, and so you have to have a standard.
Speaker 2:You're, you're a king of, you're a daughter of the king, and he will tell you exactly where you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to do, who you're supposed to be with instead of your desires, speaking to you, telling you what you want, what it's supposed to feel like, how it's supposed to sound, you know, but I think that the world in we have a false narrative of what marriage is.
Speaker 3:You know, and if we look back, this is history of what that consists of. You know, when we, when, when girls were little girls, they used to play with dollhouses, and then they had Ken and they had Barbie and they used to just have a house together and everything was just so lovey-dovey and, like I said, just a false expectation of what that consists of when it comes down to coming into a realistic, real-life marriage and coveted with one another and just having that.
Speaker 3:You know, I never heard where Barbie and Ken ever had an argument they don't talk I know, I know, but when you, when you, when you, when you're playing with barbie and ken, it's always a positive, happy. You know we're going into the house together, we're playing together with the dream house right and the dream conversation and everything is so lovey-dovey that there is no, there was no debate, there was no confrontation, there was this there's, no, there's no in-laws.
Speaker 3:Wait a minute come on, come on all of these things, that. And so we come into reality dealing with relationships, going to junior high school in high school and dealing with immature males and immature relationships and really don't know how to navigate what that is. And then we begin to compromise. We begin to compromise our values and our standards, because that's all we see in a male, in a man, and I think it's important to glean on the wisdom of those that have relationships, that healthy relationship that are married, and begin to glean on that wisdom. And that's why premarital counseling is so important, because it helps to break down those myths and really allow the couples to have a fighting chance. Come on, a fighting chance with marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so good. Oh my gosh, you know y'all are coming back, right, we have to. You know y'all got to come back. We want to catch on yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, Because this is like just the beginning. I think to me this was the intro Right, we want to save marriages before they start. Oh my gosh, this is so good, all right. So here's some other stuff that people need to know about y'all. So they're back here with all these kids, like nine children, 10 grand, still looking good, still loving each other. They've had the church almost nine years, right, and you have now Ignite Our Fire. You also have between the two of you at least four businesses that I count. I know there's more. I know there's more, and my friend Ruth over here has written several books, but my brother wrote a book.
Speaker 1:Y'all came out with your books. I thought that was so cool. I thought that was so cool. I am going to drop in the show description the link for you to check out their books. You need to hear what they have to say because after 25 years, nine kids, 10 grandchildren running the church, running the businesses, caretaking elderly relatives and all the other stuff that comes in between they're still together, they're still in love and, with everything I've walked through with y'all, I have never once heard either one of you mention divorce. Never, never, never, never, never, never.
Speaker 3:We mentioned it before we got married and the conversation went something like this I don't believe in divorce. She said me too. So we knew that that was a non-negotiable for us. We may separate, we may argue and listen. Are we not here to paint a picture that our marriage is this, that Barbie and Ken kind of marriage? But we understood how to navigate some of the storms that we had to deal with when it came down to our marriage.
Speaker 3:And really knowing that it takes effort and it's going to take work and it's going to take compromising and it's going to take forgiveness, it's going to take all of that and, most importantly, it's going to take God. We're going to need God to be in that equation in marriage. Because when I can't, to navigate another conversation about reconciliation and healing and knowing how to go forth in our marriage, and I think that's what we've learned along the way, we've learned that along the way. So, and if people are just willing to you know, to to sacrifice their own feelings and emotions, I think they'll be able to understand that they can make it work with God.
Speaker 1:Right and being honest.
Speaker 2:And being honest, I think that, like what he said, the non-negotiables like that was a non-negotiable for us. Yeah, if we're going to say I do, it's going to be forever Cut off leg.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean, those conversations take the wheel.
Speaker 2:You know, whatever, you know we're not going to get a divorce. So we don't even play with the word, we don't even mention the word. You can still have disagree. It's okay to have conflict. It's okay to have conflict, and we learned that. You know communication and conflict are going to work together, but resolve is what we need to have and that's what we pray to the Lord for for resolve.
Speaker 1:And he's giving it to you and we love you for it. I love y'all, we love you too, we love you too, you should.
Speaker 3:You really should. You ain't going nowhere, shoot.
Speaker 1:Child, please. You know I know when my bread's buttered honey, it's all good, it's all good. Y'all are definitely going to come back and I can't wait to have you back. I'm going to have my brother back to talk about some of the things we need to know as women about our husbands.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's going to tell us some secrets?
Speaker 1:I don't know. Give me my brother's phone.
Speaker 2:We're going to get some of those secrets told, we know how to act once we do get married?
Speaker 1:Hello, and can we talk about intimacy? Please Listen now. I have this thing on my show, because I don't know if y'all been listening to all my episodes, but I have this thing on my show where I tell people this is one of those headphone episodes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, people don't really know. I really married Dr Ruth.
Speaker 1:Listen, I said that to her I'm not going to pass away but I really have the number one, dr Ruth, in the world. I'm telling you you got to talk about this. This conversation need to be talked about.
Speaker 1:I think it's necessary in the kingdom it is necessary and we're going to have some grown folk conversation. It's going to be definitely a headphone conversation, unless you want your babies to get a new education, cause we're going to go in there. Y'all know I don't have a problem talking about this stuff. I think that that's one of the reasons we keep getting tripped up about it, because we don't tell the truth and we're not having these kinds of conversations that we should be having. Right, I can't wait for the next episode when y'all come on, because this has been the bombcom. Listen, y'all have just filled me up for my whole week I'm not even going to say for this episode or for this day, for my whole week, and I am so blessed to have you not as guests but as part of my life and for allowing me to share you with the people. I want to just bless you as you go for all that you have poured out and the virtue that you all have poured out, and I'm looking forward to having you on again.
Speaker 2:We can't wait. Yeah, I love this.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad. All right, y'all. I'm going to put their contact info, along with the links to their books, in the show notes and until next time, be wonderfully blessed. Bye now, bye-bye.
