Have you ever navigated the choppy waters of online dating and wondered if your soulmate is just a swipe away?
My own quest for love led me through the virtual doors of Christian dating sites, where I encountered more than just potential partners—I stumbled into a whirlwind of self-discovery and spiritual reflection.
Join me as I share a candid and raw recount of post-breakup vulnerabilities, the sometimes awkward dance of digital self-presentation, and the surprising lessons learned from an unexpected deep dive into church life, following my interaction with a pastor on Match.com and eHarmony. It's a journey through the complexities of identity, divine timing, and the delicate balance of presenting oneself truthfully while seeking a connection that's more than skin deep.
This episode is not just my story; it’s a window into the broader themes of trust, service, and the stark realities of Christian dating that many of us face. I reflect on a year committed to supporting a man's ministry in the hopes of proving myself as a spouse, and how this experience illuminated the importance of self-respect over the longing to be chosen.
Have you ever navigated the choppy waters of online dating and wondered if your soulmate is just a swipe away?
My own quest for love led me through the virtual doors of Christian dating sites, where I encountered more than just potential partners—I stumbled into a whirlwind of self-discovery and spiritual reflection.
Join me as I share a candid and raw recount of post-breakup vulnerabilities, the sometimes awkward dance of digital self-presentation, and the surprising lessons learned from an unexpected deep dive into church life, following my interaction with a pastor on Match.com and eHarmony. It's a journey through the complexities of identity, divine timing, and the delicate balance of presenting oneself truthfully while seeking a connection that's more than skin deep.
This episode is not just my story; it’s a window into the broader themes of trust, service, and the stark realities of Christian dating that many of us face. I reflect on a year committed to supporting a man's ministry in the hopes of proving myself as a spouse, and how this experience illuminated the importance of self-respect over the longing to be chosen.
Speaker 1:
All right, y'all, we are back. Eventually y'all are gonna upgrade this podcast. I just kind of like, just like the just raw, just raw rugged type podcast. I don't know about y'all, but now that it's been a podcast I get kind of annoyed with all of the intros and all. And even though it's really nice sometimes I can get kind of annoyed with it, and so that's why I kind of shoot straight from the hip. But I'm going to do better, I promise you guys. Okay. But thank y'all so much for everyone who joined the Crown mentorship and thank y'all so much for all y'all who still follow me with my put this podcast. Y'all, we family today we want to heartbreak into it.
Speaker 1:
I had a girl hit me up. Y'all never hear of her. She asked me. She said, hey, which Christian dating site is the best? First story time Okay.
Speaker 1:
So listen, I remember when I was dating, after I met a little heartbreak, I was dating y'all, and I was dating and I just couldn't find anybody. I couldn't find anybody in the city I was in and it just seems hopeless. And I was like you know what? I'm going to try dating websites. And so this is before. It got like super big and first I was pretty scared about it because I was like you know what if they're a killer? What if they're not what they think they are? You know what if they like you know weird, what if I get catfished? You know all the stuff that could happen. And so I got on y'all I remember, and I was like, okay, I think I'm ready to date. And I tried to date. And then this was probably about two or three years after me and my dad, my daughter's dad, broke up when I was like, okay, I'm ready to try date again. And it was right before I went on a year consecration, now got tired of dating Cause dating was just so frustrating to me, and I went and did a membership on Christian Mingle, on eHarmony and I did one also on matchcom. There we go. And I was gonna do one on blackpeoplemeetcom but I was like, no, I'm gonna stick to them three right there, I really like eHarmony and matchcom. Let me tell you about my matchcom dating shenanigans. Y'all ready.
Speaker 1:
And so I get on matchcom and eHarmony and all that good stuff and I meet this guy. He was, I said, to my profile which those profiles are kind of hard to actually even navigate, to be honest, because you want to put your best foot forward. But you don't know, then you kind of uncomfortable and so I did the best I could put cute pictures up there and I tried to make myself accessible and available. And I was nervous cause I was like, you know, I'm a single mom now and I don't know who's gonna wanna date me, and so I'm just gonna try. I put my information out there Y'all.
Speaker 1:
I get this person who reached out to me. He was a pastor for my like a huge church and I'm like, oh my God, is this a whole pastor right here? And I began to chat back and forth with him and it seems to be all great. And this is why I be wanting y'all be like a do not count your eggs, for they hatch number one and number two, do not. You gotta know your identity. You have to not try to bend your life around this person that could possibly be your groom or your spouse, because a lot of times that's because you don't trust God and you're trying to control the situation, you're trying to manipulate the situation. And so I learned a hard lesson in this whole online dating situation.
Speaker 1:
And so I meet this guy, we start chatting. He seems to be great, he seems to be awesome Y'all. I totally start going to his church. I start going to his church because I liked him. I thought he was pretty great and I was like he seems really nice. He's a pastor. I felt like man, he got status. He seems to be loves. God got status, seems to be a type of man I want to be with, and so I joined his church. It's a big church too, so I can easily blend in and I joined. Now, all I did, I joined his church. I also joined his ministry.
Speaker 1:
I joined this guy's ministry so he could see me every time needed to meet and I wanted him to know that I was serious about getting to know him on a deeper level than just online. And so we started to hang out. I'm just so excited, y'all. I'm already, in my mind, planned out we're going to get married, we're going to be together, we're going to this many kids.
Speaker 1:
I didn't already ran down the street, run a corner, cross the road in my whole life with this man, and so I had no idea I had wrote, literally started to wrap my life into his life. I had started to literally become woven, you know. You see, like a braid, I was like like I was literally like putting my life into his life. I had paused my entire life for him. I wasn't dating, I wasn't trying to see nobody else. I had plenty of the men on eHarmony and Mashedcom to respond to my dating profile. I shut the dating profile down because I knew this was it. I was like this is it. And so y'all are so crazy. Now I think about it.
Speaker 1:
I go and I go in on my at the church all the time I'm trying to serve. I became this man's assistant Y'all. I'm doing every thing to get this man's attention. I mean every thing. I even joined. I signed up to volunteer to go to the church on a weekday, y'all on a weekday, to help him write thank you cards. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I'm up there writing thank you cards, I'm up there doing everything. We're still, you know, he's. He's saying I'm gonna do everything I can to show him I'm a great catch.
Speaker 1:
And so eventually I guess he starts to see like man, she really liked me. And so he came to me and he was like hey, I just want to let you know, I don't want to let the ministry. I don't want to let our dating profile, what we've been talking and stuff on why I'm getting away of this ministry, so let's just put that on hold. And I'm like, okay, no problem, you got to be very careful, ladies. You got to be very careful when you are just so zealous and you just really want this man to be your man, okay. And so I just fell for the Okadote. I literally all pause my whole life. It was like we're gonna get this ministry off the ground. I'm helping, go to help him grow his ministry and we're going to be a power couple in the church.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I had made this whole facade in my mind, in my head looking crazy, looking like a lunatic, looking like a loony tune, y'all looking crazy because I didn't trust God, right. And so I'm sitting here, ladies, and I'm like planting this stuff out of my head. I'm serving and I'm loving and I'm honoring and I'm laying out the red carpet to show him I'm a good wife, I can be a good first lady or a good past swiper whatever you want to call it. And so y'all, after about after months, close to a year of serving and helping him build this ministry and doing everything I knew to do to make him see that I didn't cook for the brother, because you know they don't do that right there, but I was doing everything else that I could do. I mean, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't even date y'all this man. He took me to maybe a coffee day once or twice, but I thought, because he said, let's, let's pause our dating in order to just focus on ministry, I was thinking, you know, eventually, at some point we'll pick back up.
Speaker 1:
And so, y'all, about about about a year or so, in a year or so in, yeah, I go to him and I'm like, hey, like no, no, no, no, no. This is what happened. About a year or so went in and I this is years ago, y'all, so y'all give me a minute. But about a year or so went by and I was in his office writing thank you letters, y'all, and he basically tells me in so many words that we need to, he needs to back off of me and I'm like, whoa, I've been serving, I've been supporting you, I've been doing all this stuff. Why are you going to back off all of a sudden? And so you know me trying to be a good Christian, trying to show him I'm a good wife, I'm like no problem, no problem, no problem. But do like straight, like so I treat me like, like not okay.
Speaker 1:
He started to like kind of mishandle me, act like I was invisible, like you know how Cole shouldered me and it wasn't wrong technically it went wrong, but it was just really hurtful. And so eventually I worked out the courage to Write down what I was thinking, how I felt, and I texted him asking for a meeting. And then we go and we sit down for this mean ladies, we sit down for this meeting because I'm so hurt, because my dreams have been crushed, because I had thought we was going to get together. This all started from um mashcom and I meet up with him, he invites me to the church and y'all. I get to the meeting and he's like Very, very, like you know, not really nice, very, very pointed, very, very short, almost like he got a bad attitude with me and I sit down and I'm Visibly mad, y'all and I'm, but I'm still trying to put on this front, put on this like, like you know, little fake, little personality, like look at me, I'm a great catch, trying not to show him I'm so mad. But at the same time, let him know, like, like, this is not okay. And so I'm sitting there reading to him hey, this is what happened. You met me here, we did this, I did this, I did this, I read, I read the whole list so I didn't forget what I was feeling.
Speaker 1:
This man looked up at me, y'all and he basically was like I don't owe you nothing. Uh, I know what we had on mashcom, but honestly, I don't want you, I want your friend. Y'all about that, y'all I'm about came up out, my, my, my, my, my, jesusuit and went straight ghetto on him. Y'all I lost it, y'all I was so I was so, so mad. He was like I don't want you, I want your friend, and that's just what it's gonna be.
Speaker 1:
I got up y'all and I was storming out. It was crazy, it was slick, embarrassing, because I was trying to storm out but the door was locked. So he had to come up and unlock the door to let me out. But y'all I was so I was so mad because I had literally spent a year in my life Trying to show this man that I was the one, that I was good. Catch, he told me I don't want you, I want your friend. And ladies. This is why I want to warn you. The lord said he who finds a wife finds a good thing and I know I'm gonna get back to the question in a minute he who finds a wife finds a good thing.
Speaker 1:
I was hunting, I was looking, I got on mashcom, so my heart and my intention Was to find somebody and I was on our hunting baby. I was hunting, and so if you can get on there and not hunt, do your thing. I just want to. I was trying to like you know, let you know, like, like you know this, what could happen to you. But I don't think there is a better or best platform for Christians. To be honest, I think you just have to choose which one's good for you. You can look at christian mingle. You can look at mashcom, christian cafe e harmony, christian connection. It's so many opportunities out here.
Speaker 1:
I don't want to get on tender, though. Do not be on on tender. What is y'all doing? Okay, tender is not okay ever. Um, it's it's several lines that you can get on and Possibly just put your profile out there. Let people know, like, hey, I'm open.
Speaker 1:
But I just want to also tell you be mindful that you're not out there pursuing a man to date, you, okay, don't be out there pursuing, because if you get there and you start pursuing, pursuing might lead you to a situation. But I've also seen people who you know, they've gotten on there and they found their spouse. I've seen it happen before too. So I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you just to use this, use biblical discretion, and also feel free to go to Coffee meets bagel that's a good one too. Go to bumble, go to hinge these are different ones that I have friends who actually got married for meeting their spouse on here, okay.
Speaker 1:
And so I think tender is more of a hookup app and you need to be mindful, like you, to know what's up on there, and you also need to know there are a lot of Christians who get on these apps just to hook up, and so let's um be very vigilant About not allowing our hearts to get too far gone. That we're not doing. I do diligence, and so don't be afraid to go to senior groups in your church and go to Christian socials, facebook outings, go to meetups, like if you want to date ladies, you gotta get cute and put yourself out there. Don't be out there doing like I was doing. I was out there trying to find a man Baby. I was looking for my husband, I was hunting him down. But I want you just to know there are several, several Christian dating sites and there's not a right or wrong to put yourself out there. But I don't want you guys out there trying to pursue. You are the prize. Okay, you need to stay hidden. You need to stay before the Lord.
Speaker 1:
Now, I gotta say this too, because some men are kind of like my husband, where they'll like you and they'll drop a ton of hints, and so it's not. I don't think it's a problem Personally. I don't think it's a problem to give a little nudge, to let this person know you're open. Because I let my husband know I was open. And how did I do that? When everyone was dancing, and he was kind of dancing too, I kind of went and danced next to him and we started dancing together. That's how he knew, okay, she's open. And I went out there, you know, laying out the red carpet, cooking a five a course meal, all that right there. I was very subtle but very fun with it and I left it at that and it was up to him to pick it up and pursue me. I was not going to be out here doing the most and so, just when you're out there online dating, just keep the same biblical standards in mind and know that the Lord is with you.
Speaker 1:
Hope you all enjoyed this episode. Also, before we go, there are more seats at the table. There are more room for you, my sisters in the crowd, mentorship, so feel free to join. The link will be in the bio. I love you all so much. Y'all take care.