Christian Dating Talk
Christian Dating Talk
Boundaries Before the Altar: Protecting Future Marriages from Family Tensions
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What if setting boundaries with your parents could save your future marriage?
Join us on this heartfelt episode of the Christian Dating Podcast as we explore the intricate dynamics between dating couples and their parents, especially focusing on mothers-in-law. Through personal anecdotes, we discuss the transition from being a son to becoming a man and the importance of having honest, sometimes difficult conversations. You'll gain practical advice on navigating these relationships with love, humility, and a profound respect for the sacrifices our mothers have made.
In our journey, we touch on the essential process of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries as part of personal growth and preparation for marriage. We acknowledge the emotional toll these tough conversations can take but highlight the ultimate benefits for developing into a godly individual. With stories like moving to Florida against parental wishes and setting limits to protect one's new family, we illustrate how these boundaries can foster healthier family dynamics and stronger, faith-based relationships.
The episode wraps up with a focus on creating peace in family relationships and embracing one's inherent value in dating. We provide practical advice for both men and women on supporting their partners in maintaining family connections while setting necessary boundaries. Women are encouraged to recognize their value and maintain boundaries, ensuring they do not offer "wife benefits" to boyfriends. By prioritizing peace and understanding, couples can lay a solid foundation for a loving and respectful marriage. Tune in for a motivational message on staying strong, remaining aware, and supporting loved ones through faith and trust in God.
Hi, how's it going? My name is Faye. I hope you are doing absolutely incredible. Thank you so much for your time. Time is one of the biggest thing. It's actually the biggest thing you can give to anybody. So I just want to start this episode off just thanking you for that time, because it means so much to you girls that you will spend time with me. Okay, and I also want to welcome you. Some of you guys have been listening to my voice on Apple and Spotify. Thank you, y'all have kept me growing. I'm just encouraged and I'm just really thankful just for that. And I guess you are like what are you talking about? I want to welcome you personally, y'all. I had a hard day, so my tongue will be a little blue, so don't be watching my mouth. Anyways, anywho, let me focus. We're going to hop into it. I want to welcome you to the Christian Dating Podcast. It's called Christian Dating Talk. You can find me all over Apple and Google and Amazon Podcasts. Our podcast was able to hit several different achievements and I decided it was time to bring it to YouTube. So here we are Today. We're going to hop into it.
Speaker 1:I want to make this episode for people who are dating. This is not for you. If you are saying God said that's my spouse, that's a whole, nother question, I'm going to have to really talk about that with another point. But it's not fun when I'm listening to you tell me what God said about someone else when God hasn't notified that person. That's very dangerous in my opinion. But that's not this episode. Okay, in this episode we are going to deal with dating. If you are actually dating, that's who we're going to deal with. If you are dating and you are getting serious and you're like think this is a person I want to be with, that is you. Episode is for you. So tune in, lean in, share this with a friend, let's get going.
Speaker 1:So if you are dating, I see this happen so much. It happened with me, even with my amazing husband. My mother in law wasn't the funnest person and she didn't really like me because she didn't really know me and anyone who has a son. And now that I have a son, I can understand a little bit more as to why people will act so crazy. And so I get a lot of young couples because I'm able to coach and help a lot of young dating couples just navigate these waters.
Speaker 1:But how in the world do I deal with my mother-in-law who do not like, or my parent who do not like, my significant other? How do I deal with when things are trying to change in my life? My parents used to me being their only daughter, their only son, and now they having to share me with a potential spouse. How do I deal with a mom who sees me as her baby boy and probably subconsciously made me into her husband if she's a single mom? That happens so much. Y'all, I see this happen so much, and now that I'm a mom to a young baby boy, I can now understand how that can happen with moms, especially if you're a single mom, if you had to get it out the mud you had to build during your kid's life, and now your son becomes a man and that man has to leave and cleave. He's no longer your boy.
Speaker 1:I am already preparing myself for when that day happens, lord willing, okay. So how do you navigate that? How do you deal with this? You just got to be honest. You got to have an honest conversation, and this goes especially for if you are that, that son, if you are the guy and your mom's kind of tripping out a little bit, you be willing to have that hard man conversation. I honestly feel like this is a path, a journey into going from that boy to that man. It's a part of it where you're going to have to be willing to confront stuff head on and you do it in all love, you do it in all humility and you honor your mom because she's been there. She's given up nights of sleep, she's had to breastfeed yellow stanky butt. She's had to clean yellow stanky little booty. She's had to lose food. She's had to buy you stuff when she needed stuff. She's made so many sacrifices and now it's almost time for her to give her son away. And I know what I'm about to say here. It may rub from y'all, it might. I might kick the dog on the hornet's nest and I'm okay with that because I believe these conversations need to be had in the kingdom of God.
Speaker 1:A lot of times we don't walk into stuff like this. We could have bought it and just chop it up to go pray, go read the scripture, but I believe our God is very. He's not aggressive but he's very assertive. I've never seen where Jesus really ran away from confrontation in the scripture. I've never really seen and like, if you see, where it wasn't his time to reveal himself, it's because it wasn't time. He moved himself out the way until it was time and then he was willing to have those conversations with those religious people. He was willing to go on that cross, and so sometimes y'all my eye hurt a little bit.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you gotta be willing to have those honest conversations and so what I want you to do is take notes. This for you if this is you welcome to this episode is for you. Take notes. You lead to one love and honor your mom. That's off top. I don't care if she ain't been there. I don't care if she didn't raise you. You need to thank god she didn't like she actually had you and you're here. Thank god for for that, okay. But if your mom's been an adult mom and she's done all of this stuff for you, you're better under that woman. Okay, we go through a lot to have these kids.
Speaker 1:Number two you gotta be willing to have that conversation. It's time to have a real conversation. It's time for you to go get your mom, take her on a date, take her to a park, take her to y'all's favorite spot and you tell her mom, I love you. I love you, mom, but I think I may have found the one that my heart may love. And, mom, I need you to have my back to you so I can make sure that I'm doing what God's telling me to do, so I can make sure that this is the person that God wants me to be with. But, mom, if you're distracting me, or dad, if you're creating this big restriction because you feel like I owe you whatever or you can't handle it, or you made me into an idol, or you made me into a pseudo spouse, mom, we got to deal with that. Dad, we got to deal with that because I can't be distracted with you while I'm trying to make sure this is who God called me to be with for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1:And so that step two you got to have a conversation. It's going to be nasty. It's probably going to be very like heart jerking. It's going to be like, oh, I just want to grow up. It's going to push and stretch you in places that you probably never been stretched in before. But that's actually helping you become that godly woman, that godly wife, that godly man, the godly husband. It's helping you become that, because when you get married. I'm here to tell you there are plenty of more conversations you got to have with your spouse. They're going to see stuff in your life that wouldn't have ever been revealed until you got with somebody else that close.
Speaker 1:Okay, and so that's your first step in engaging in confrontation and beginning to walk it out with your parent. Okay, and so once you had a conversation, it's gonna be hard to tell y'all ready, number three you gotta be willing to set the boundaries in place and hold firm. Mama ain't gonna like this boundary, okay, mama ain't gonna. Three mom, daddy ain't gonna like the boundaries. I'm just gonna be real with you.
Speaker 1:It's gonna be hard to retrain this relationship that's been going on for your whole life. To set boundaries in place for someone who's wiped your booty when you were a baby. It's going to be very hard. I I'm not even going to find you. I ain't going to even hold you. Like you about to learn how to grow up, you about to learn how to set boundaries. But guess what? This is helping you be a better man and woman of God. It's all sending you back to the throne. It's all pointing back to how to be more godly, how to be more connected to who you are as a woman and man and God. It's helping you set healthy boundaries, because these will have to be set before you get married. Because I'm here to tell you you go into a marriage and you have not set healthy boundaries, you are in for a rude awakening. I'm just going to be real with you. You're going to be rudely awoken and you're likely going to create a lot of contention in your future marriage. So let's go and get it over with right now. Okay. Marriage is hard enough then to bring this crap over into it. Okay. So that's number three.
Speaker 1:Number four after the boundaries have been set, you've got to reinforce the boundaries A lot of times. I ain't going to lie if I've had a relationship with a person that's gone a certain way for a lot of times. I ain't gonna lie if I've had a relationship with a person that's gone a certain way for a long period of time, and we ain't even talking about parent and son and parent and father and daughter type situations, talking about just a kick it in buddy. If I've had a relationship and this has been our dynamic and now I'm having to be trained and you do this or you do that, I'm likely gonna violate that boundary a couple times, and so you kind of reinforce it. You have to say, oh no, no, no, no, I can't do that. Mama, I see what, I see what is happening, mama. Remember, mama, I asked you can we not do that? And how did I navigate those waters? How did I navigate those waters? My mom and dad? They were just so like dope. They were just like, oh, we're just excited, there's something. I want to marry my daughter, we're going to rock with it. But my parents did not like that.
Speaker 1:I moved to Florida. When I got married. It was like, hold on, you just met this man, not knowing that we've been together for a long time, but they had just met him really and really. And that's a whole nother situation because your girl be working, getting her bag moving 5,000 miles per hour. I was a single mom then too and, yeah, I was just doing nothing to do for my kid and so I didn't even try to really mix your family together because I wasn't even sure. My god, I think it's my husband, but your girl scared because, like what if it's not him? What if I'm missing something? And so, lag behind, I ain't gonna lie drug my feet a little bit. I wanted to make sure that I made sure he was the one okay. And I mean, I remember when my parents first met him. I remember when they met him, probably like twice before our rehearsal dinner Jamie, my husband, I love him so much, love you babe. He actually reached out to my parents, found my dad's information and asked for my hand in marriage.
Speaker 1:That ain't happened in my family before. Folks used to be taking people's daughters, getting them pregnant and then taking them, basically coming in like a thief and a robber. My dad always say, unless you come in through the door, you a thief and a robber. Don't be doing that, understand. But anyhow, my parents didn't like that and so my dad always used to be saying little stuff or throwing little shots. My mom would be like he let me know I don't like that and I had to let my mom know. Hey, mom, I love you all. This is my life. Just pray for me, pray for me. Pray that God keeps me. I know you don't know this man. We is married and we moved to Florida and I'm pregnant now. So you just need to pray that everything will be okay and I just have to keep reminding my parents hey, don't bash me and my family, pray for us, don't talk about us. Pray for us.
Speaker 1:And even when stuff would get a little bit more intense and it'll be family fighting going on and different stuff in my family, I will set boundaries on that too, because I'm like no, I do not need this filtrating into my little family, because God's building something new here, I gotta guard it. And so I can't allow the emotions and situations and stuff from my family to get into my family. Okay. And so I have to reinforce boundaries, I have to reset stuff like no, that ain't gonna work. My mom ain't gonna lie and she'll tell you herself. I used to my mom for a long time, and probably even now she's changed a whole lot, don't get me wrong. But my mom for a long time felt like telling her to submit was like a cuss word and I write mama, that's my mama.
Speaker 1:Okay, I was raised up. Baby, you better figure it out, you better get it how you live, because that dude ain't going to do what he got to do and so, at the end of the day, the bag going to be left on you. That's how I was raised. I'm going to be real. I'm going to be real about it. And so I didn't come into marriage up on how to be a biblical wife.
Speaker 1:But what they were saying, I'm like that would disqualify me because I'm already loud, bro. I was born loud, naturally loud. I am very business minded. I'm very like hey, what are we doing? Where are we going? You can't tell me that I'm not a biblical wife because how God built me, you in it and this gonna maybe scratch on some toes, but this is the reality too. You can't make being a biblical wife look like a white girl. Nothing wrong with my white girls, I love y'all. Y'all amazing.
Speaker 1:But how we were being trained up in certain organizations where, when they were talking about what a biblical wife looked like, you looked at it. You're like, bro, that disqualifies all Black women. And then when you took a step back and looked at the entire church, the entire organization we were part of, none of the Black girls were married. Because I don't believe they were really connecting all the dots. I believe they were trying to turn the biblical wife into a personality, when that's not the case. A biblical wife has certain qualities about her, certain Jesus characteristics about her. Not she's this and it says in the Bible certain characteristics. But when they were painting a picture, me and my friends were going home.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was born Like I don't calm down a little bit, but what type of good time. I don't think I've been got offended by my personality, a really big personality, and so it was really hard for us. I don't know when I was, when I was like even going through downline, it was very difficult for us black girls. I'm telling you real, and I don't even know how I got here right now. We're gonna just sit here for a second, and I'm not saying all this to offend nobody, but what I am saying is you have to be very mindful what you allow to infiltrate your heart. You got to make sure it aligns up with the scripture, because even sometimes organizations can be off, sometimes the doctrine can be twisted in a way where hold on.
Speaker 1:And so I need you to return to scripture. I need you to understand that being a biblical wife is something that God's put into each of his daughters, and the Lord said he who finds a wife finds a good thing. And so you're going to be that wife before you're a wife and while you're in this dating season right now. You got to understand you must uphold those biblical standards as a wife. It's not a color, it's Jesus likeness in us as women. And even you, man of God, being a biblical husband, it's Jesus likeness as a husband. Are you willing to die for that woman, wife, are you willing to cast off everything for that man? I don't even know how I got here, but whatever, let's focus on the next thing I want to talk about. Let me go shift us where I get stuck, beer. Shift us into dealing with this.
Speaker 1:Okay, after you reinforce those boundaries, the next thing I want you to do is pray. Pray for mom. Son, if you are the man, son, call your mom, spend time with mom. Mom misses you, mom loves you. I need you to honor her, I need you to make her feel so special because she and not not just doing it just for facade, but a lot of times when we grow up, it's like our parents, our moms especially. They give everything to us. They put aside their careers, put aside their own desires, sometimes like mama, she, mom, she didn't even eat, trying to feed us. She had five kids. She didn't even eat, bro, she didn't even eat trying to feed me, and so when we get grown, all we thinking about is us, me.
Speaker 1:Take a moment and honor that woman, understand. Take a moment, honor your mom, because I'm here to tell you that when you honor her, well, in this dating season, when it's time to get married, ain't going to be no problems. And even if it is, guess what, god got it because you did what you're supposed to do Girl, woman, the female of the situation, you need to encourage him, because I see this more so on the son and his mom than I do, the daughter and her dad. So that's why I'm saying it like this If this is you and you're dating a man whose mom is raging against you a little bit, it's because she's scared, it's because she's hurting, it's because, man, my baby, and so what you got to do and this is what I did in my relationship, because my mother-in-law wasn't that, she wasn't feeling your girl, she loved me now, but she was not my first I just honored Jamie, my husband.
Speaker 1:He was my fiance. I honored him in a way where I made sure hey, babe, you call your mom. Hey, babe, did you go? You want to go see your mom? Hey, honey, how about you send her a text message. I kept reminding him to go and love on his mom and people. Be like you don't understand. You don't understand. You must freely give and it's been freely given to you. You didn't love Jesus before he started chasing you. You didn't even have the awareness that you was lost until God opened your eyes. You see, it's the same way we're dealing with parents who are having a hard time letting their son go or letting their daughter go. Okay, you'll have to allow them to see the love from you before they even deserve it.
Speaker 1:The first thing I really said to my mother-in-law when we got married officially we weren't even married officially actually my mother-in-law did not like me and she told my she made me bury a parrot, like how she felt. And my husband was really raging like he was warring within himself. I didn't want to be like you chose me or you choose her. If you're that type of woman, you're probably not ready to be a wife. I'm going to be real, because you're supposed to create peace. Your whole position as a future spouse is to create and cultivate peace. And even me as a super hype, super bad about it woman. I love a good lit time. I enjoy having fun, traveling, the bright, loud stuff.
Speaker 1:I understand that in order to have a healthy relationship it got to start with peace. And so even in that dating and my mother-in-law to be not knowing she probably would never like me for whatever reasons that she had, I knew could not my fiance against his mom or me. And I'm just saying, sometimes you may have to, it may have to come to that, with everything in you, try to make sure it don't come to that. You hear me. So what I would do is I wouldn't get in between him and his mom. Babe, that's a feeling Honey, call her love. Honey, call her Love on her, honor her. And through me doing that y'all, I'm telling you right now that woman loved me. That woman loved me.
Speaker 1:Why so fake? Because it started when we was dating. It started when we were engaged. I began to sow love into my mother-in-law even before she deserved it. She did not like me for no reason, nothing. We didn't do nothing bro. But I had to understand that was her baby boy and to her it looked like a threat and whatever emotional stuff I had to process.
Speaker 1:I couldn't be adding fire and gas to that fire. I couldn't be adding more stress, more tension. It's already hard enough for that man to have to step in and have the conversations and set the boundaries. And set the boundaries and set the tone. That's hard enough for the brother, so don't add to it. Don't make it even harder for him to don't do that. You create the peace. You are where the seat of influence lies, which another episode will be coming when I'm going to deal with this. Okay, god's given us women the gift of influence. Most of us have turned it and twisted and perverted it into perversion and that comes off as manipulation. No, god's given you influence. Learn how to use it to create and cultivate peace. Use it to create and cultivate a calm.
Speaker 1:I am able to go into any place. My husband is and if I see him, frantic as soon as he see me, because, even though your girl be, even if I really enjoy all the crazy loud stuff, I know how much peak means and I'm giving y'all game. If you not dating and you want to date, listen to me game. If you're not dating and you want to date, listen to me. I'm giving you game, bro. Peace, peace. Allow peace that surpasses all understanding to flow from you through Christ Jesus, by the power of Holy Spirit. That's how you do it. You begin to be that calm.
Speaker 1:I always am able to calm my husband and my husband in the craziest way. He brings me peace, and that's usually the person that you're going to probably want to be with. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who was emotionally unstable, mentally unstable. When I'm around them, I'm frazzled, I'm irritated. No, I love a person who can bring you peace, but for a man, that is huge.
Speaker 1:And so I see women all the time while I'm here, let's deal with it. I see women all the time that's trying to date a guy, trying to show their value to the guy, whatever that means. I honestly believe a value doesn't have to be shown. You don't have to put it on display. I feel like you show up and, just like God said, he present, he allow Eve to be presented past. I don't know. Oh, that's mine right there. That's how it's going to be, because she probably flowed through the garden with peace, hair just beautifully immaculate made. She looked good, smelled good, had a posture about herself and she brought peace. Understand me.
Speaker 1:And so I want to encourage you. If you're going through this, you're going to get through it. Okay, keep your head up, trust God, remember awareness. You got to be aware. You got to deal with it. You got to step boundaries. Have a conversation, reinforce the boundaries. Girl, be that your boyfriend's piece and don't be crossing lines because y'all not married yet. Okay, let's be clear. We ain't trying to. We're not gonna give wife benefits to someone who's not a wife not your husband understand, but he can enjoy the peace of you encouraging him to love and honor his mom. I love y'all, what y'all? Thank you so much for your time. I want to encourage you. If you find a value in this video, like subscribe, share it with a friend. I love y'all. Take care.