Your Man is Not Your Man: (And That's the Problem) | For Every Woman Waiting on a Ring

Order Your Copy of "10 Reasons Why I Hate Christian Dating" Today
https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=04SNblhAi7UzD79FGghPILGCoUwr2Eqok8nSIP97ji3

Schedule Your Dating Workshop Today
https://forms.gle/VF8XC3LxJBrhhXDr7

We get honest about what it means to be stuck in a relationship that never moves forward, and we challenge the idea that waiting for years without a plan is “faith.” We talk through timelines, boundaries, biblical patterns of pursuit, and the hard but freeing choice to stop living like a wife without a covenant. 

• Being “parked” for years in relationship limbo with no definition or future 
• Asking where faith becomes denial and why evidence matters 
• Distinguishing waiting on God from waiting on a person through peace vs anxiety 
• Recognizing forever girlfriend dynamics and the cost of cohabitation  
• Looking for clear communication, a plan, and a real timeline toward marriage 
• Building a spouse list with nonnegotiables and honest standards 
• Naming sexual sin, repentance, and the fear of starting over 
• Using biblical examples of intentional pursuit and covenant 
• Understanding the consequences of staying without protection or title 

If you need help or support, email me, DM me. I am here. 

Transcript

Real Talk About Relationship Limbo

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey girl, today if you can go over to the YouTube channel because I need to look you in your face. You need to see my eyes because this episode is about to be tea. Understand me? But listen, your man is not your man, and that's the problem. But the message is deeper than what meets the eye. Some women are, for lack of better words, holding on to a man that God never gave them. I want you to let that sit. Not because he's a bad man, not because he's evil, not because you don't love him, or maybe he don't, you know. It can be many nuances to this, but because it's been five, seven, some of y'all even 10, and sometimes even 15 years, the relationship has stopped moving. You've parked your car, and there's no movement, there's no advancement, there's no talk about future, there's nothing, there's no defining of anything, but you've parked yourself permanently for a man who has not parked himself for a year. He's conveniently got you as a concubine. And deep down, you know, somebody write about this. What's going on? I'm here today to free you. So come on, let's go get free. Listen, now that you've been parked, some of y'all for five, seven, ten, fifteen, I've seen 20 years or more, okay. And the relationship has started stopped, and now you're living in a relationship limbo. You're probably cohabitating, you're probably like just trying to be thankful for what you got. I can't get no man, so I might as well just settle for what I got, baby. That is terrible to do, okay. And so, not single, you live in a limbo, you're not single, but you're not married, but you're not moving forwards either. Come on now, you're just waiting, you're just waiting, and this is the conversation a lot of Christian women desperately need to have. We need to talk about this because that is not a place God wanted you to be.

Faith Or Denial After Years

SPEAKER_00 2:05

All right, and so here's the big question: you can ask at this point, and some of y'all, you may be thinking about this right now. You're like, at this point, where does faith become denial? Are you like, did God really call you to be there that long? I'm gonna go and say no, just off top, because I know how men are, and I'm gonna get to that. But you gotta begin to ask yourself, am I in denial or am I in faith? All right, and so that's a strong question. I know it may be scary, but we're gonna have to we're gonna deal with this, all right? Because many women are praying for a husband while sleeping next to their boyfriend. And these women are a lot of these women are calling themselves Christian. You should not be in fornication, but since we're here, we're gonna repent, we're gonna get up, we're gonna get out, okay? That's okay, it's okay. All right, it's tight, but it's right, we're gonna keep going, okay? And so you're preparing for marriage while dating someone who shows you no desire to marry them. Come on now, we're talking. It's tight, but it's right up in here, and now you are praying for a future while ignoring the evidence of the present. Now, we gotta be careful with this, okay? We gotta be careful not to condemn. I don't want you to feel condemned. I definitely want you to feel conviction, but I want you to understand that you are loved and you are seen, and God cares about you because many women go you you go through this slowly. You you didn't never intend to be in this situation. One year became two, two became five, five became ten, and now you're you are emotionally invested, financially connected, because y'all both pay the same rent or the same mortgage, and terrified of starting over because you put in so much time. Now, the point I want you to get to and think about right now is

Waiting On God Vs Waiting On Him

SPEAKER_00 4:00

are you waiting on him or waiting on God? Come on now, come on. I'm talking to you. Are you waiting on this man or are you really waiting on God? Because many women have said, I'm waiting on God. God, I want you to show me, show me, show me, show me, show me. But the truth may be you are waiting on him, waiting on him, and those are two different things. Waiting on God produces peace, waiting on a person produces anxiety. Okay, waiting on God allows still allows for movement. God's not a wasteful God. Yes, God tells us to wait and be still, but God also tells us faith without works is dead, baby. All right, we talk about the children of Israel, they took an 11-day journey and made them uh 40 years, but there was movement, they still had to move. See what I'm saying? And so waiting on a person often means putting your life on pause, all right? And so here's the second thing I want you to think

Forever Girlfriend And No Timeline

SPEAKER_00 5:00

about have you accepted being a forever girlfriend? Ooh, are you a concubine? You said, God, I want to be a wife, but you over here settling for being somebody's concubine, being somebody's common-law wife, falling for that foolishness of we don't need to get married. What's the point of getting married? Maybe because God said it, maybe because I respect myself, maybe because I'm not gonna let you play in my face and I'm not gonna play myself. How about that? All right, and I know this may come off really hard, but sometimes hard truths are the best thing where you gotta really like you know, it just accept it. Like, I'd rather my friend tell me the hard truth, and I'm your friend, girl, than to lie in my face and watch me like squander and waste my life when I could have been with a man who would have loved me, honored me, and all that good stuff. And so this is what we about to get a little real in this podcast. I want you to ask yourself has he clearly communicated about marriage? I mean, clear communication, clear, has he taken steps towards it? Because you can become one of them family fiancés too. He proposed after three or five, and now you still stuck. Y'all, we gotta come on there, y'all. Come on, come on, y'all. Come on, women, come on, women. Has he set a timeline? Because one thing I know about men, if they want you, they want you, they're gonna shut it down.

What A Clear Marriage Plan Sounds Like

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Men know what they want. Honestly, they know what they want in six months or less. My husband knew he wanted me for a wife as soon as he saw me. Now I was still over there going crazy, like who we think he's talking to? He ain't gonna play with me. I was still in my brokenness, but my husband knew that I would be his wife, and he went and sought God and got clearance to pursue me. But he let me know straight up. I remember one day I was like, You ain't gonna play with me. I had attitude and everything. And he went and said, You know what? Let me take you get something to eat. He took me to Popeye's, and I had my little strips with my my little black and ranch sauce and my orange, my not orange, strawberry fanta. And he looked at me, he said, Look at me, Faye. I said, Yeah, I'm looking because he started acting a little weird. I'm like, Why are you acting weird? Because I'm not gonna sit here and play with you. Either you're gonna be with me or you're not, I'm not about to play these games. And so he's looking at me, and I'm looking at him as I'm eating on my Popeye strip, and y'all, he goes, I have plans for us, so clear, so intentional. I have plans for us. And first, I'm gonna make you my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna make you my fiance. He literally said this to me, and then I'm gonna make you the wife for my home, and then I'm gonna make you the mother of my children. And he said, Look at me, I have plans for us, so I don't want you to be afraid, just know that I'm dealing with some stuff right now, but I have plans for us, and y'all, I'm in tears at this point. Like, oh my god, this man got a plan for me. Do your man got a plan for you? If you're gonna be following this man, what his plan at? And it's okay if he ain't got it all together, but come on, where's his plan? Oh, we're gonna figure it out. And let me tell you something. Yes, you I want you to have a plan, and financial stability is very important, but you ain't gotta wait until you got a hundred thousand, a million dollars in a bank account to get married. That's crazy, that's crazy talk that is fear talking. See what I'm

Build Your Nonnegotiables List

SPEAKER_00 8:45

saying, and so woman of God, where's your list? Like, I always tell every girl that I'm able to teach and mentor when it comes to dating, where is your list? Where your list meaning, like, you need to make a list of 10 things you want in your spouse, five non-negotiables, five we can move around. Okay, now this list you need to be real. I don't want to hear you talk about my man can be ugly, he I don't have life like that. Be quiet because you're lying. I always say, listen, my list was my husband need to love Jesus with all his heart. I wanted my man to love Jesus for real. I ain't won no no dating evangelism going on. I needed my husband to be submitted to the Lord because I knew there would be safety in there for me. For if he submitted to Jesus, he's gonna cover us right because the Lord's gonna lead him and guide him because he's gonna always run to the Father first. See what I'm saying? That's why it's so important. That's number one. Number two, I wanted a man to be fine for me. He ain't gotta be he ain't gotta be fine for you, but he gots to be fine for me. I didn't want an ugly man that I thought was funny looking, mm-mm. And to each his own. That's why I say I wanted a man who was fine for me. That meant I wanted, and I had to write out what does fine mean. I wanted a man who had a nice body, I want a man who had a beautiful smile, I wanted a man with some milk chocolate skin. Yes, ma'am. I wanted a man with a head full of hair. I don't want my man getting bald. I need I love that hair. I want my man who beautiful personality. I want I want him to, you know, look good. I want him to be strong. I want him to have a nice body, look, a look, a little streak, you know. I don't want her to be skinny. I'm skinny. He needs to be skinny, he need to have a little extra weight to him. That's what I wanted. That's what I wanted, and God did that thing. Now I wanted my husband a little bit taller, but that was kind of down on my list a little bit, a little bit further. But I wanted my husband to be attractive to me. That was number two. Number three, I wanted my husband to be emotional and mentally stable. My god, I had to have that. If this man ain't got emotional and mental stability, we can't be married. I'm telling you right now, we it's a rap, boy. It's a rap, rap, rabbity rap. You hear me? And so that was my number three. Number four, I wanted my man to accept me and my daughter wholly, and I was a single mom, and I still had standards. I ain't care if nobody say I didn't want to date no man with no kid because I try had tried it, and baby, I ain't want no baby mama problems. I was a really cool, baby, cool baby mother. I didn't give my daughter's dad all the all the headache, but I tried to date a guy who had a kid back in college before I even became a mom, and that girl, baby, too much, and so even though I was a single mom, I wanted somebody may say that's not fair, but listen, this is my list, not yours, and God honored my list, so bye-bye. But I wanted somebody who accepted me and my daughter wholly. I didn't want him to love me and just tolerate my daughter. And guess what? That's what I got. Number five, I wanted a man who had passion, I didn't want him to be aimless, I wanted him to have a direction, I wanted him to have like you gotta have a plan. What is it? Now I didn't realize my husband would be a musician. I didn't necessarily want a musician, and I definitely didn't realize he would one day become a pastor. Now he's a pastor, and I'm like, bro, what is happening? I know God kind of hid that so that I wouldn't, I probably wouldn't have married my husband if I knew he was gonna be a pastor. We was dating. I'm just being real. You gotta be honest. See, when you get honest about it, when you be truthful with your stuff, the Lord can help you, all right. And then number six, I wanted a man who was hilarious, I wanted a man who was funny. So that's my number number six. So, ladies, where is your list? Where your list at you need a list of 10 things, and even if you've been dating for a long period of time, this man got you at the stoplight. You've been stuck in that parking lot forever, baby. You you baby, you've been stuck five, seven, ten, sometimes 15 years. Go back to that list, line it up with the word of God, and ask the Lord, God, what would you have me to do with this? And be real with yourself. I'm gonna be real with you. I want to ask you, how long you want to sit there? How long you want to stay in that predicament, all right? Next question is has there been progress? Because if y'all in college, y'all both two broke people, I understand like that situation, but there has to be a plan. See what I'm saying? We're not gonna stay stuck here forever, all right? Because desire without movement is just a conversation, and as a leader of your family, you need a man who is bigger than just a conversation, all right? A man can talk about marriage for 10 years, he can talk all day, but at some point, the question becomes has he actually chosen you to be his wife? And I'm here to tell you right now when a man wants you, there is no ifs, ands, a but about it. Um a man who truly wants you will move a mountain to have you. I've watched men get into physical disputes over a girl they wanted to date and they didn't want her to date nobody else. I watched my husband pursue me. My husband took me to breakfast, lunch, dinner every single day for six months straight. He was not playing. I met my husband in November, I think 8, 2017. Yeah, he started dating me the next month. He was not playing. Then he officially made an official, official, official, official, took me his mom that February. That's four months. Then we got engaged August 31st of 2018. And then we got married March 17th, 2019. You see what I'm saying? It didn't take no three, four, five years. What you trying to do? Get a PhD? What you what did you do? How much do he need to know? And if that and that, and I'm gonna be real with you. I I'm y'all may get mad at me, but I don't care because I love you too much a lot of you. I love you

Fornication And The Fear Of Starting Over

SPEAKER_00 14:55

too much a lot of you. If you with a man that long, you in fornication, you in sin, you need to repent. Because I know y'all ain't just in there in that same house smiling at each other. You ain't gonna tell me you've been with no man, no 10 years, five years, even three years, and y'all not having sex. I I don't want to hear it, and that's the reason why you you still in that mess because you done yoked yourself to him. Y'all became one in covenant because of your activities, because of your fornication. Therefore, now you up in here looking crazy. Now you're trying to figure out do I stay, do I go? I've invested all this time, all this energy, all these resources. What do I do? Guess what? The Lord is gonna free you. The Lord is gonna free you, woman of God. He's gonna free you, okay? And so I just want you to be encouraged and know that God is with you, He is not forgotten about you, He He has a plan for you. Even now, God

The Biblical Pattern Of Pursuit

SPEAKER_00 15:55

has a plan for you. So let's look at the biblical view of this. Look at the biblical view of this, okay? Let's talk about Isaac and Rebecca. My grandma's name is Lucy. This one hits home because I've seen this happen so many times, and it's heartbreaking when you see women just be in a situation, and I know that's better for you, notice more for you. And sometimes you do have to be the one that gives the ultimatum. But my grandma spent her whole life like serving, loving, and my grandma was married, but my grandma actually spent her entire life loving a man who didn't necessarily want her. Like you talking about infidelity. My grandma literally, I remember when I got pregnant with Nadia, my daughter, and I was having a really hard time, and she pulled me to the side, and this is the first time I ever seen this side of my grandma. And she goes, Let me tell you something, baby. And I'm like, Who's this woman? I've never seen this woman before. She goes, Let me tell you something, baby. You don't have to marry a man just because you got pregnant. I got pregnant and I married him. But back in my day, what was you gonna do in 1945 or 1950 as a black woman in Tut Waller, Mississippi? So I had no choice but to stick with this man. She said, But I married your grandfather because I wanted to show other women that he will be with me. But my grandfather never stopped cheating on her, he cheated on her from day one. Just being honest, and I know this is something my family don't like to really talk about, but it's real, and so he dishonored her almost every day of that marriage, and when you are in a space where you have no covering, you are in a place of uh shacking or cohabitating, you are in a place where you're fornicating and you're giving and you're serving and you're doing all this stuff that wives do, you are dishonoring yourself, you plan yourself, and he's planning your face. I'm just being honest, I'm just being honest, and I can speak to this myself because I did the same thing. I was with my daughter's dad for almost three years, and I was his caregiver because my baby daddy he got sick. I was there caring for him, I was there to go into the doctors, I was there on that medication, I was there taking care of his mom. I was doing all of this work for a man who wasn't my husband, and so that's why when he left us ultimately, I was so heartbroken because I had given so many years, I've given my money, I've given my resources, I've given my time, I've given my energy, I've poured so much into this man. And when I told him I was pregnant, you know what he did? He walked off and left me like I was nothing, and married the girl, the next girl, like that. It's tight. I know, sucks, but this is not a place God called you to be. And while I was in there, I was I was fornicating. We're supposed to be doing that, but when you with somebody that long, and I always tell people wherever the heart goes, the body flows. Meaning, if he got your heart, he got your body. There's no separating the two. I don't care how much you think you are none, Mother Teresa. You not, you are flesh, you are not no eunuch neither. Because if you were a eunuch, you wouldn't have a boyfriend. Come on now, y'all. So you got to get real honest and be real, and in that realness, it just can be very vulnerable, it can be painful. But I want you to know God can bring you out of that. Let's get back to the Bible. And so, Isaac and Rebecca, when Isaac desired a wife, he pursued one. Listen to me. When Isaac desired a wife, he pursued a wife. Talk about Jacob, talk about him. Jacob worked 14 years, 14 years because he wanted Rachel, he wanted her, he wanted her. Let's talk about Boaz. Boaz moved intentionally. See, when a man wants you, there ain't nothing he won't do to have you. And men, something I learned about me and Christian and non-Christian. I'm talking to both of y'all right now. All right, when a man wants you, I don't care what mountain ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough. That's the man.

Why Men Stay Passive Without Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 20:20

When they want you, there's nothing they won't do to have you because that's how God made them. God made men natural hunters. Give them something to hunt for. Y'all just laying up the red carpet, you're having sex with them, you're doing this, you're giving, you're feeding them, you're cooking for them, you're cleaning. You already the wife, therefore, men are passive by human nature. So if you just lay and give it to him, of course he's gonna take it. And then he's gonna be looking at you confused because he's like, Why are you mad? You gave it to me, but you gave it to him out of a different heart, where men can just receive, and it's nothing in them. When women, when we're giving, it's because there's something attached to that, and we gotta get real, we gotta get honest. Why are you serving? Why are you always at all these events? Why are you still in that relationship for three, five, seven, ten, sometimes 15 years? And you at church begging God to give you this husband, Lord, help him, help him make a decision, Lord. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. You know what to do, you just don't probably want to do it. And I'm gonna tell you, men, when they want you, they move with intention, they move with intention, all right. And so biblically, we see men moving towards covenant, and if you're not moving towards covenant with you, you are now a concubine, and you are allowing it, okay. And this is not infidelity postponing covenant, it's not we get to live together, cohabitate, shack up, have sex, all this right here. No, no, no, no, no. This is the God way. I see her, Lord. Can I if That her, I'm gonna pursue her, I'm gonna get to know her. I'm gonna ask her father for her hand. I'm gonna marry her, make her mine, and I'm gonna cover her. That's what we see biblically. But when you look at scripture too, you also see where kings, and this was not God's perfect will, this was God's permissive will. God was like, you know what? That's y'all little weird human culture. I'm just I'm just gonna, you know, that ain't what I designed, but whatever. And so God's original design was Adam and Eve together, covenant. Then you see kings where they had concubines and had wives. I wonder as they were choosing the wife versus the concubine, was it based off what she allowed him to do? And so you gotta understand, men will only do what you allow them to do, and so if you're gonna allow him to play in your face, he's gonna play in that face, he's gonna play in that face all day, baby. He's gonna play the banjo in your face like it ain't nothing, okay? And so here's the hard truth: this is the part that's really gonna be a little tight,

The Hard Truth About No Movement

SPEAKER_00 23:05

okay? If you are dating him for eight years, 10 years, 12 years, and there's no engagement, there's no plan, there's no timeline, there's no movement. The question isn't whether he loves you, the question is whether he sees and wants the same future with you. And I'm gonna tell you, no, ma'am, you gotta love yourself better than sticking in a relationship that long, waiting on a man to give you what you don't want to give yourself. You gotta give yourself love first, you gotta respect yourself first. Understand what I'm saying, and I know that hits hard because the question is whether he wants the same future you want, and most times, if he's not moving, y'all ain't y'all not in line, he don't want the same future, he wants easy, you but what I feel about men, men love to hunt. Men are men are hunters by default, that's just who they are, and so you gotta really say, Lord, help me, help me, help me, Lord. Open my eyes, help me to see. So listen, I would say, I want you to really, really sit down and journal this out. And I hate to even be the one to talk to you about this because it's so hard, it's such a very like heart, very hard conversation. But my heart breaks for women who have spent years building a life around a man who never built a future around them, who never truly covered you. This whole time you've been with him, you've never felt no security because there's no covenant, there's only security within the covenant, and it's not because you were foolish, it's not because you you were not worth it, but because you kept hoping tomorrow would become today. You kept hoping and wishing he would go on do right by you. And so I really hope that you understand that your man is probably not your man if he ain't trying to build covenant with you. If if we don't date to play, we date to make, we date for covenant. We are just not casually dating, we are pursuing covenant. If he's not doing that, we're not we're not talking, we we're not even gonna have this conversation no more, okay? And so you gotta also understand in this whole situation. I cannot leave this talk without saying this that that man belongs to God, okay? He is a son of he's a he's an image bearer, and if he's a Christian, he's a son of living God too, okay. And if God has to remove someone from your life so that he can bring you the best person, you need to trust him. So if this episode really makes you think you like, yeah, if they like I really feel like I'm about to let this go, know that God don't remove just to hurt you, he removes people to bring what's best for you. So let him, let the Lord do what he does best, okay? And I want you to stop clinging to what could happen, stop holding on to this fantasy because it ain't happening. And if you keep trying to ultimatum him and convince him and and try to manipulate your way, one that's witchcraft, and two, he's gonna resent you because marriage is hard for everybody, okay? And when you get into marriage, you understand that you signed up to be have a battle buddy, and y'all gotta get in alignment and learn how to fight against the enemy and not fight each other, and that's a whole other conversation. But if you try to almost like twist his arm to force him into marriage, he's gonna resent you, and so let him go. And now you once you let him go, you start looking honestly at what this is where am I now? Because guess what? It's something worse than wishing and hoping and praying. Like I'm gonna say this like where you went right now, it's bad, and I know you don't want to start over, but there's something much worse than starting over. It's staying in this situation, and you look up and you old lady, you got you and you have no covering, never was married, he dies, and now you gotta fight with his cousins and them

Consequences Of Living Without Covenant

SPEAKER_00 27:25

because you're not respected as the wife, you hold no title, you a concubine. I've seen this happen so many times. Women show up, and yeah, bad form. I even seen it the opposite way. What a man has a wife, has a wife. This man had a wife, and he had a concubine, he had a head of sad lady, and he had a bad accident, and the wife knew he had another wife, another woman, and so when he got really hurt, and this lady has spent the the side lady has spent at least 10 years with him, hoping he was gonna leave his wife, saying that God said this was her husband, crazy, right? And so just really sad how he got hurt really bad and was not able to, you know, think he was like really hurt, critical. And the wife told her, No ma'am, so who play who? Gotta be honest, gotta be honest because your future is too valuable to spend another decade waiting. Come on now, for someone to make a decision, to make the decision, whether they want to be with you or not, whether you worth it or not. Because I'm here to tell you you're worth it, woman of God. And no matter how much you've fallen, the Lord can pick you up and clean you up. And I gotta say this right here, too. I feel it on my heart. If you die in this predicament, in the middle of this sin of fornication, you gotta understand the weight of fornication, the weight of the sexual sin, the weight of living this immoral life. You gotta think about is he hell fine?

Letting Go And Getting Support

SPEAKER_00 29:05

I don't think so. Nobody in hellfine, okay? But y'all, I love y'all. I am praying for you. If you need help support, email me, DM me. I am here. But I just had to have this conversation because I just see too many women falling into this. They rather have a piece of a man than to wait for God to send their whole man, but that will not be you in Jesus' name. Amen. Y'all have an amazing evening.