Dating in 2026: The girl talk everyone needs to hear

In this unfiltered episode, Youth Champions, Paniz, Lauren and Shreya dive into an honest conversation about dating, relationships, and the impacts of patriarchy and harmful gender norms on young women's lives. Drawing from personal stories and the latest trending content, the hosts unravel how societal norms and pressures often push women to diminish themselves in romantic, social and professional settings. They bring a global perspective, highlighting how these issues manifest worldwide, and emphasize the importance of autonomy, consent, and healthy boundaries. The discussion also touches on media trends, sex positivity, and practical advice like creating a sexual health plan for building equal relationships. 

SHE SOARS, funded by Global Affairs Canada, is the Sexual and reproductive Health and Economic empowerment Supporting Out-of-school Adolescent girls’ Rights and Skills project. Learn more at: https://care.ca/shesoarsproject

Episode transcripts are available in French and English at: care.ca/shesoars.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in the SHE SOARS podcast are the speakers’ own and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, standards and policies of CARE Canada. The SHE SOARS podcast is a youth-led initiative that provides space for young people to discuss global Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights with the purpose of raising awareness in Canada. Listeners acknowledge that the material and information presented in the podcast are for informational purposes only and do not constitute advice or services. The podcast is for private, non-commercial use and speakers do not necessarily reflect any organization they work for.  

Transcript

[00:00:00] Paniz: Hi, and welcome to SHE SOARS. Her voice. Her rights. 

[00:00:05] Jacqueline: We are CARE Canada's Youth Champions, a group of young people across Canada who are passionate advocates for Sexual and Reproductive health and rights (SRHR).

[00:00:13] Paniz: We're excited to discuss and raise awareness about young women's rights and choices in Kenya, Uganda and Zambia. ​

[00:00:18] Jacqueline: Together, we will explore how these global issues connect to our lives as Canadian youth and discover ways in which we can all take action. 

[00:00:26] Paniz: We will also talk about the SHE SOARS project, which improves access to health and education, which are areas we want to see change in. Join us!

[00:00:36] Shreya: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the SHE SOARS podcast. My name is Shreya and I am joined by two co-hosts today. 

[00:00:43] Paniz: Hi everyone, my name is Paniz and I'm also a member of YPEC (Youth Public Engagement Champions).

[00:00:47] Lauren: And I am Lauren, also a member of YPEC.

[00:00:49] Shreya: We are Youth Public Engagement Champions with CARE Canada and the hosts of the SHE SOARS podcast episode today. For today's episode, we really wanted to talk about relationships, dating, and how the patriarchy and misogyny play into that and really make this sort of a girl talk episode. I feel like for myself, I have been seeing my friends in a new era of dating.

[00:01:12] Shreya: We're now kind of approaching graduation and adulthood and a lot of us are talking about where we're at. Some of us are seeking more serious relationships. Some of us are looking for casual relationships. But a lot of our discussions stem around patterns and trends and tendencies that we've noticed in the dating scene.

[00:01:27] Shreya: Relationships shape how we see ourselves and how we see our worth. And from our first crushes to our long-term partnerships, a lot of us were never really taught how to navigate dating, consent or intimacy in ways that actually center our anatomy and wellbeing. 

[00:01:42] Shreya: And I thought we could chat a little bit about our experiences collectively with dating and the stories of our friends and who's around us and normalize some of the experiences that we've been having.

[00:01:53] Paniz: Yeah, sure. I completely agree with you. I think that when we hear the word ‘patriarchy’ in a lot of cases it can sound extreme, even dramatic, but at its core, it's just a system where men are centered, their approval, their comfort, their power, and when you grow up in that system, I feel like you end up internalizing some of those expectations.

[00:02:14] Paniz: So you learn that being agreeable is attractive, being easy is lovable, and so you start adjusting to those expectations and you end up shrinking those parts of yourself and softening your opinions so that your dating life becomes [easier], quote unquote. Do you have any experiences surrounding those moments?

[00:02:33] Lauren: It was reminding me what you said – be easy but not too easy. Be like attractive, but don't try too hard. It reminded me of the Barbie speech, the one like super good part of Barbie.

[00:02:45] Shreya: America Ferrera, yeah, she had that nice monologue in Barbie, but I think a lot of people watching that scene in the movie, like you could see people getting kind of teary-eyed and just nodding in agreement. I really loved how collectively society came together after watching the Barbie movie and the different conversations that were being had within relationships. And that concept that Barbie is everything. And Ken is just Ken and like Ken is there for Barbie. It was an interesting role reversal because usually it's always the other way around.

[00:03:13] Shreya: I feel like for me, the first thing that comes to mind is my very first serious relationship. I feel like, with all friendships and relationships, I feel like the kind of thing that I see or hear echoed from a lot of people used to be like I'm too much or I'm a lot. It was really hard in my first relationship, because I was so young.

[00:03:33] Shreya: And I feel like there is that ‘19’ theory where you have this like tragic like relationship thing that happens to you at 19-years-old. Well, that was me at its core during this time. But I remember my previous partner used to always say it felt like a competition to try to outperform me because he couldn't stand that I was seeing more success or having more success compared to him.

[00:03:55] Shreya: I feel like I see that in the idea that if a woman makes more than a man, then that automatically makes a man like less valuable and somehow makes them less masculine. And I feel like that was something that happened for me a lot is like the sense of competition amongst men.

[00:04:11] Shreya: Or even in friendships with women. I feel like there is this pressure to be the most perfect version of yourself. This sense of like Barbie, she can do everything and she does do everything and she never gets tired and all of that. And when you as a woman are trying to understand the weight of being a woman in society, and like the feeling of being oppressed, and then you're surrounded by other successful women, sometimes I feel like there is this sense of competition with one another, even though there is adequate room for us to all be successful. It doesn't necessarily feel that way because of the systems that exist around us.

[00:04:46] Lauren: Oh my gosh, I totally relate to like when you're younger, the age 19 is when you want a boyfriend, you want to fit in, you want to just like be satisfactory, you know? When I was 19, I dated a 27-year-old guy, 28-year-old guy, and it was not a good decision. It was like the very poor decision-making at 19 in relationships. 

[00:05:06] Paniz: Yeah, I think especially this whole like pressure about trying to be low maintenance in all our relationships, and a lot of times that pressure or that thought of being low maintenance, it doesn't just show up emotionally. It actually does show up in our bodies a lot of the times. I feel like as we grow up, we're taught that being chill makes us lovable. You know, somebody would say about us, “Oh, she's not dramatic. She doesn't complain. She's easygoing. She doesn't make things complicated.” But when that mindset enters these important relationships, especially if they're romantic or sexual, it can directly impact our Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights.

[00:05:45] Paniz: So being low maintenance can start to transfer into not asking about protection or not speaking up about contraception, or not saying when something is uncomfortable, and suddenly that whole prospect of being easygoing and being low maintenance turns into kind of self-silencing in a sense. Because we've talked about this so many times, but SRHR is about autonomy. It's about the right to make these informed decisions about your body, your sexuality, your reproductive choices – but how can you fully exercise those rights if you feel the pressure to be agreeable all the time?

[00:06:17] Shreya: Yeah, there's a lot of research also that's shown that having sexist attitudes influence our preferences in our relationships. Things like how we react to conflict, how we understand the concept of consent or the very way that we present ourselves in a relationship. It can become very passive or it can become very aggressive just because of the way that we exist under the system of the patriarchy.

[00:06:46] Shreya: I have been reading a lot of articles that were talking about the recent trend and spread of hateful ideas about women, trans and non-binary folks online. The term is called ‘the manosphere,’ which kind of relates to the variety of different groups operating on the internet and offline. They kind of describe themselves as fighting against the sort of progressive agenda of feminism.

[00:07:11] Shreya: In that, it's usually perpetuating sexism, which is the idea that women, trans and non-binary folks are inherently less superior to cisgender men. And I guess this is not anything new per se – we've seen bigotry exist in many different forms. There is a gender-based violence to women just because of their gender. What makes these sorts of movements, I think, harmful is the fact that sexist attitudes can lead to things like sexual harassment and abuse and violence. And that kind of starts with a lack of understanding and awareness around consent and understanding women's rights and sexual identity within a relationship. 

[00:07:55] Lauren: And I feel like it's also kind of creeping into women's content as well, like misogynistic ideas. I think it's very limiting.

[00:08:03] Shreya: I would say that there have been a lot of trends online where it's like a concept of women trying to take back words and empower themselves, but then other people are able to use that as like a tool to again put women down and like play into this stereotype of what it means to be a woman. Same thing with the idea of like the tradwife trend online.

[00:08:26] Paniz: Yeah, I really do agree. I think that lately especially on like social media, there has been this like blatant use of trends to kind of promote harmful behavior. And as we mentioned, and it's useful to tie it back, a lot of these trends are, first of all, reaching people all around the world, right?

[00:08:45] Paniz: It's not just affecting youth in Canada, it's affecting youth everywhere. It's affecting youth in Kenya. It's affecting youth in European countries. It's like you're seeing these trends everywhere and they're promoting harmful rhetoric, and you know, if you see this, you can perpetuate it in a relationship, which is what ends up leading to these relationships that we were talking about earlier. You know, these misogynistic relationships where you always have to shrink yourself because you want to be easygoing. Everything kind of ties back into each other, and I think it's important to recognize the roots of these problems versus what we tend to do is put a band aid on it or discipline someone in the moment. But there's a lot more that goes into it, and I think it starts very early on, and it starts with these ideas being spread. And it’s even easier now because of our access to digital platforms 24/7, every single second of the day, every day of the year.

[00:09:39] Lauren: Yeah, that makes so much sense. I was thinking about lately a lot of reality TV shows have come out as well, and you just see all of these issues. I was thinking of the most recent season of Love is Blind. You know, there's this one woman who’s like, “I will do anything for love.”

[00:09:55] Lauren: Like I will uproot my career that I've worked so hard on. I will move to a different city for this guy. And he is just like, “Okay.” As if it's like this automatic expectation that she will do this for him. Or there's this one guy, you've probably seen clips of it, where she's like a doctor and when he sees her – I'd say her body looks like mine – it’s just like this idea, he's talking about. “I just like girls that do Pilates every day. I like girls that do CrossFit every day.” And they're bringing back this idea that women have to shrink themselves and their lives revolve around men in all of these shows right now. And it's just grossing me out. Even like in one scene, they have like the expectations that they're supposed to kiss each other, and you can see on one woman's face, this look of like she doesn't want to, but because it's the expectation of the show, she's got to kiss this guy who she doesn't seem to be attracted to. She doesn't want to kiss. And it's just making it seem like if men are watching the show like you can just go kiss a girl even if she doesn't want to.

[00:11:10] Paniz: Yeah. I think that leads into like something else that we wanted to touch on today, which is this idea of romanticizing inequality because again, I always mention this, but I really do think that everything is connected and it does in fact affect our body and our autonomy. And in these shows, you were mentioning about glamorizing somebody who would like uproot their entire life to accommodate another person in the relationship. And that in a sense is a way of like jealousy and that romanticized can turn into control. And we talk often about how our goal with all of this is to bring awareness about how SRHR is including the right to consent freely and choose what you want for yourself and for your body and for your relationships, and to make informed decisions and access all of this without fear and the dynamic of self-sacrifice.

[00:12:02] Paniz: And if being a good partner means putting somebody else first at all costs then you want to consider like later on, what does that mean when reproductive decisions come up? What does that mean when you know all these other important issues are being faced? Right? What happens when you want to use protection, but you don't want to ruin the moment?

[00:12:20] Paniz: What happens when you don't want a pregnancy, but you're scared to say it out loud? You want to seek reproductive healthcare, but you feel shame. These are all topics that are connected because at the end of the day, you might think that it starts small, but all of this kind of sacrifice that you're making, maybe it's just to, you know, give up a job and change a city, but then where does that stop? Right? So it's like the power that you're giving up to almost make decisions without feeling coerced or kind of feeling that fear or pressure.

[00:12:50] Lauren: Yeah, and at the same time, even if you like uproot your life for a guy, you're still expected to be like emotional support, mental support. You're basically supposed to be almost like a parental role in just like listening to everything they have to say and just like putting your own feelings aside. And I think Shreya had a good term. I think she referred to it as being like the therapist for men when you should be equal in these relationships, you should have your own lives. I remember this one woman says she wants to watch her husband play soccer with her kids from the kitchen. And you know, you should get to play soccer with your kids too. You should be able to like have time for yourself, have time in your own space to rest and do fun things instead of just being like the caretaker and the like maid in your household. 

[00:13:46] Paniz: I think there is this subtle thing that you mentioned that a lot of us do; we shrink. And what you said, watching your husband and kids playing soccer through a window when you could be partaking in that. And sometimes we don't even realize that we're doing it and it's oftentimes not this very like loud action. It's little things, quiet, small adjustments that add on. And also downplaying things that you've done yourself. Like let's say you’re doing something really important, and someone asks what you've been working on, and instead of saying, “Oh, I've been doing this amazing thing,” you say, “Oh, it's nothing at all. It's just, you know, a little side project.” Or when you accomplish something big, like in my case, sometimes I'll win something and then I'll be like, “Oh well, it's nothing. I have so much to do still.” Whereas when my male friend would do that, we're celebrating him almost because he's willing to be outspoken about it and we just don't want to be too much.

[00:14:37] Paniz: I find a lot of times – and I've also seen this across many different cultures as I've had the chance to travel a lot – I find that it's very similar everywhere in the world. This past May, I was actually in Kenya, and I was working with these entrepreneurs through a university program, and I remember sitting with a group of like young women who had already a brilliant business idea and were kind of wanting to get that started off the ground. And in the class, it was a mix of many different people, but I noticed that when their husbands or even male relatives were around, the way in which they spoke almost shifted. So they would speak softer, they would credit their ideas to having like familial support or they would even laugh off their own expertise versus when they were alone and they were speaking to me, they were so powerful.

[00:15:26] Paniz: They were so proud of the work they had done and one woman I actually remember had built like a whole distribution network for her products through not just Kenya, but being able to ship to other countries in Africa. And she told me quietly that she avoids even sharing all her profits in detail because she doesn't want to embarrass her husband in the event that she would be making more than him.

[00:15:50] Paniz: If we think about it, she didn't want to embarrass him for succeeding herself. And I remember thinking that it wasn't even just about the relationship, it's a structural feeling that's everywhere – in Vancouver, in classrooms, in universities, in relationships across the world, which we think is like so far away. And it once again links to that autonomy that we have to work so hard to keep and leads to these relationships that are off balance, and there's the power dynamic that we almost have to, like I said, shrink to fit in, make ourselves less. It's hard to even talk about it because this is such a taboo topic in some places as well. Like we're here speaking about it on this podcast, but not everybody has the freedom of speech to also indulge in these conversations. So I think all these questions that we ask ourselves like: Am I talking too much? Am I being too much? Am I making somebody else uncomfortable? And who feels empowered to speak up in these intimate spaces? And a lot of times we've noticed that, you know, it would be men or like a male counterpart.

[00:16:55] Lauren: Yeah, and I think it often starts small and usually when you're like a younger girl, you get these comments like, “Why are you so loud?” And then you think, oh, I could just be a little quieter to please everybody. Or comments about like your body. I remember in one circumstance I had a guy tell me, “You have a really nice body. Everything's good about your body, except you need to go to the gym and do squats so you have a bigger butt.” And I think it's these little comments that like women start to internalize and then they think it's not a big deal, but overall it adds up. And then you start silencing yourself and you start like making yourself smaller, as we were saying.

[00:17:34] Lauren: And I think that, like you said, Paniz, it's a thing that happens everywhere, like in the case of the women you met, in our case as well. I think we probably have all subconsciously or consciously made decisions to shrink ourselves so that we’ll be more appealing.

[00:17:50] Shreya: ​So there's this concept, it's called sex positivity versus sex negativity. And sex positivity is the idea that you should have positive attitude about sex and feeling comfortable with sexual identity. So that can mean making it a safe space for people to talk about sex and making sure obviously that consent is given and people feel safe, but also without moral judgment. Across the world, there's a reason why many young women are reluctant to access SRHR or even talk about it or feel a sense of safety to talk about it because it is so taboo in society still. That ranges because of negative public perception or harmful gender stereotyping. Like in some places, it's okay for a man to talk about sex, but not for a woman. And it's a really scary thing. So even though we have this concept of sex positivity and wanting to create a culture of that, there's also something known as sex negativity.

[00:18:43] Shreya: So this can be a personal intrinsic belief, or this can be a societal kind of practice that exists, but it's a belief that sex is harmful or shameful or sinful. And it can only be okay if it's constrained by specific norms in society. So, yeah, I guess it's hard to think about and talk about sex when we already have this society that demonizes the idea of us feeling sexual pleasure or gratification. And the harm can exist also because people don't really know a lot about the different parts of sex. A lot of people hear about disease and reputation harm and risk in that sense, or unplanned pregnancies, contraception, and all of these different pieces.

[00:19:26] Shreya: So one thing that I learned that's really interesting is that women should come up with something called a sexual health plan. So this is usually to combat the idea that you make sexual health decisions in the heat of the moment. A sexual health plan is something that you can think about in advance, and it's an idea to walk us through what our needs are, what our desires are, our goals, and then also understanding those other different nuances like sexually transmitted infections and contraception and things like that.

[00:19:56] Shreya: But what it looks like is asking yourself questions and thinking about what types of sexual activities, if any, am I comfortable with or what do I want it to look like, how do I want it to feel? And how do I make sure that I'm fully prepared in that moment to pursue this if I want to pursue this?

[00:20:11] Shreya: I feel like this is something that I wish that I knew and understanding like I am allowed to have preferences and interests and tastes, and that also being a part of my high school curriculum about sexual education, I feel like would've been really important.

[00:20:25] Shreya: A lot of times we just learn about the dangers, and I feel like I learned about male pleasure, but in that we kind of forgot that women also have a very strong responsibility and choice. So the idea of making a sexual health plan or just a relationship plan for yourself in general should always include the sexual education component. For myself, I feel like I also learned a lot because I allowed myself to meet new people and actively date and the way that I tried to combat that feeling and that belief within my community was having conversations about it with my friends, first and foremost.

[00:21:04] Shreya: I think growing up as a South Asian and a queer woman, I felt like that was really hard to tell people. I think there's a lot of people in my life I probably am yet to come out to or tell that I identify as like a queer woman. But I slowly start to have those conversations with the people closest to me and around me because I know [those are] conversations that their families might never have with them. And that is also part of sexual health planning is making sure that you know who to talk to and you can build a circle and a culture and a sense of community for yourself to ask those taboo, quote unquote, questions because then you're able to find folks who might also feel the same way.

[00:21:46] Lauren: That list is such a good idea. I feel like I never thought to just like do something like that.

[00:21:52] Shreya: Yeah, in all my relationships, I used to actually like sit and have a conversation, like walking through different things of like what do I like, what do I dislike? What is a big no for me? What is a safe word? Different pieces like that because I want to make sure that experience is obviously not just good for everyone involved, but like amazing for everybody involved. Because that's the point, right, is you're supposed to be able to enjoy having sex and even to say that actually I feel like I feel a sense of awkwardness to be like, yeah, I sit there and I talk about it with someone. But that's the point. That's like how we remove the stigma and the harm from that is: it is normal. It is something that everyone engages with. Literally like I'm on my period right now and I was on a flight yesterday and I got my period and I was like, oh my gosh, I grab a pad.

[00:22:38] Shreya: So I opened my suitcase. I pulled it out and I was like I have no reason to want to hide this; I kept it in my hand and waltzed to the bathroom because like more than 50% of that plane also experiences the exact same thing. Like, why is it so taboo? But, anyways, I used to do that with all of my sexual partners is like make sure that we talk through that and walk through that list because it is important. It is normal to be talking about.

[00:23:01] Shreya: And I think it's a really good thing also because the more people that do that, that's how we build a culture of de-stigmatization, which is really important. Okay. So everything that we've talked about so far kind of falls under this idea of consent when it comes to sexual health, reproductive health or anything related to women's rights in a relationship.

[00:23:25] Shreya: A big part of that is consent and remembering that you have the ability and should have the ability to freely communicate and feel safe to communicate what you're looking for when it comes to any types of relationships that you engage with. It's not about signing a contract to say yes to everything. Consent is about understanding what your rights are in any given scenario and understanding the idea that you are able to say no.

[00:23:50] Paniz: To create this kind of normalization of consent, it means that we have to talk about it and we have to talk about it often and loudly and support those who might need more help to speak about it. I think in this episode we've covered so many important topics that are all linked to us, but also youth worldwide. We talked about dating. We talked about healthy relationships. We talked about consent. We talked about boundaries and not shrinking yourself, and really not being afraid to put yourself out there. And this idea of self-sacrifice as something that we should avoid. And we had so many important and insightful conversations, and I think it's also very important to remember to link them and realize that it's not just about us, but it's about everywhere in the world, right? You know, every woman, every person identifying as a woman, could be facing this, whether in this continent or the next. It's important to think about it globally as well. 

[00:24:45] Lauren: If you haven't already, go and make your list. Go and have your important conversations and remember to be uncompromising in your decisions, your ideas, and what you want. And also thank you all for listening and tune into our next episode next month!

[00:25:00] Paniz: Bye!

[00:25:01] Shreya: Bye!

[00:25:03] Jacqueline: Thanks for listening to SHE SOARS. If you like this episode, please share it on social media, connect with us in the comments, or give us a like.

[00:25:11] Paniz: Make sure to catch our next episode by subscribing to our channel and following us wherever you get your podcasts.

[00:25:16] Jacqueline: Follow @CARECanada on Instagram for updates on our show and the project.

[00:25:21] Paniz: SHE SOARS stands for Sexual and reproductive Health and Economic empowerment, Supporting Out of school Adolescent girls Rights and Skills in Kenya, Uganda, and Zambia.

[00:25:31] Jacqueline: The project is funded by Global Affairs Canada. Check out our global partner organizations. The Center for Reproductive Rights and Restless Development for even more project updates. 

[00:25:40] Paniz: Thanks again for listening. Until next time!