17: ADHD in women with Katy Weber & the (extended) breastfeeding experience

"Sensory Overload", feeling ashamed of the condition of your house, constantly trying to "get organized" ... maybe it's just early motherhood, or maybe it's ADHD. 

As an LC working with breastfeeding moms from pregnancy through to preschool (and beyond!), I have been a little shocked to see how frequently clients come to me who have ADHD, suspect they have ADHD, or are surprised themselves how many boxes they tick off in a screening questionnaire.  There are so many ADHDer's in the "extended" breastfeeding community - but I don't see it being spoken about very much. 

As someone who was diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood myself, I knew it was important to open this conversation up in the breastfeeding space, and I knew that Katy Weber would be the perfect person to do it with. 

We talk about what the lived experience of an adult woman with ADHD is, different avenues for pursuing a diagnosis, and how to navigate the world once you have one. 

A little about Katy: 
" Diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 45, I've now made it my mission to help neurodivergent women learn to love their brains!

 I've spent the last 7 years coaching women to change their mindset and reframe their self-concept so they can finally recognize and lean into their gifts and abilities.

​I'm an author & public speaker, as well as a certified holistic health coach (INHC) and a certified yoga instructor (200 hr RYT). I live in the Hudson Valley, NY, with my husband, two children, our dog, and two cats. Before coaching, I spent 15 years as a newspaper editor & designer. I'm currently pursuing an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.

 I'm also the host of the Women & ADHD podcast, ranked among the top 0.5% of all podcasts globally."

Resources mentioned in this episode:
Sari Solden's Checklist

Katy's Women & ADHD Community

Katy's Instagram - Women & ADHD Podcast Instagram

Jenna's Episode on the Women & ADHD podcast

Katy's Website (book club, coaching, free resources & more)

Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at  www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Love this episode?!  Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3

Transcript

[00:00:00] Jenna: Katy, it is so wonderful to have you here today and it totally feels full circle cuz the first podcast interview that I did was on your podcast, so it's so exciting to have you on podcast now. 

[00:00:15] Katy: So I'm excited to see you 

[00:00:17] Jenna: again. Yeah, I feel like I talk actually about you. I feel like I've thrown your name out once or twice on a podcast already, and I've only been doing this for a few months so far, so I, I feel like people probably know.

[00:00:28] Jenna: About you a little bit who have [00:00:30] listened to this podcast, but I'd love to hear from you a little bit about your business, like women in A D H D and the, the coaching that you offer and kind of what you have set up there, and then how you kind of got into that. Like what led you to transitioning into coaching women with a D H D.

[00:00:52] Katy: Yeah, where do I start? So yeah, I, I founded women in A D H D, the [00:01:00] company after I started a podcast called Women in A D H D, which was shortly after I was diagnosed at the age of 45. In 2020 it was, Shortly into the pandemic that I was diagnosed. So I called myself a pandemic diagnosis. Cause I feel like there's a lot of us out there who, yep.

[00:01:18] Katy: Had like a little bit of a meltdown during lockdown and, and it led to a, you know, connecting a lot of dots around adhd. So yeah, so I started, I [00:01:30] was diagnosed and It was such a profound life changing experience for me in terms of just revisiting all of these random struggles that I had seemed to have and these patterns throughout my life, and just suddenly realizing that it all connected to this diagnosis, this neurodivergent diagnosis, and it just felt so.

[00:01:55] Katy: Incredibly profound. But also like when I would say I was diagnosed with A D H [00:02:00] D, I never felt like anybody really understood what I was talking about. Right. And there was, you know, and you get this, it would be, I was so happy to have found out about adhd. Yes. And it was really just like this. Life changing.

[00:02:12] Katy: Wonderful moment. I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes. And the, the response from a lot of people was like, Ugh, I'm sorry about your disorder, or, I'm sorry you're struggling. And I'm like, no, I'm not struggling now. I was struggling before. Right. Exactly. So [00:02:30] so I was just like, I wanted to. Chat with other women who, who were mostly, initially I wanted to just chat with other women who were diagnosed in adulthood and find out if they had had a similar experience and how their life had changed or, you know, what were some of those signs that led up to them also.

[00:02:47] Katy: Discovering they had adhd and I, so I started the podcast cuz I was, you know, at home during lockdown and I wanted an excuse to reach out to people and not seem creepy. So I was like, all you [00:03:00] know, and as one does with adhd, I'm like, I know, I'll make this super complicated and interesting and start a podcast and, 

[00:03:05] Jenna: exactly.

[00:03:06] Jenna: Of course. Yep. 

[00:03:08] Katy: So I did that. It just kind of took off like it, I had no idea anybody was gonna listen to this podcast much less. Really, really relate to these stories and just find listening to other people's experiences so much more helpful and nourishing and validating than perhaps your typical, [00:03:30] like, here's five tips to be more productive.

[00:03:33] Katy: Right? You know, some of those kind of ADHD podcasts and so I'm just really touched that it has. Been as helpful for so many other women out there listening as it has been for me to, you know, to have these interviews and, and to have these conversations with women. So, It was about a year after I started the podcast when I was like, oh, this is really taking off that I, you know, realize that one of the fundamental parts of of this [00:04:00] experience of this, this like self discovery journey is, is.

[00:04:04] Katy: Community, right? It's forming community, it's finding each other. It's having these conversations with each other. And so shortly after, you know, after I started the women in A D H D I guess it was probably about six months after I started the podcast, I started the online community and W you know, it's really sort of just similar to Facebook, but away from Facebook where we can just, yeah, share memes and vent and [00:04:30] talk.

[00:04:30] Katy: And then I started the book club, which was kind of also like a funny random story because I had heard the the ra, you know, I, I listened to the book, the Radical Guide for Women with A D H D by Sari Solden and Michelle Frank. It's a workbook, so there's a lot of like writing down answers and I listened to it and I was like, this is really, really good book.

[00:04:51] Katy: I should buy it and actually fill out the workbook. And so I bought the workbook and of course, cuz I have adhd, I just sat on my. [00:05:00] Sat next to my bed, I'd never filled it out. And I thought, oh, I should, I should start, you know, I was like, if I'm not gonna fill out these questions, maybe if I like get a bunch of people together, we'll fill them out together and we can be accountable to each other.

[00:05:13] Katy: We can go through this workbook together. So I started that, and that also I think has just been a wonderful opportunity for women to get together and to just talk about their experiences. 

[00:05:25] Jenna: Yeah, I'd love to like pause you for only a second because I had [00:05:30] just thought maybe I have a D H D and decided to talk to my psychiatrist when I typed into Spotify in the search box Women and A D H D, not knowing that that was the name of your podcast, and it was the episode you did with Sarah Sen that came on and I was like hanging on every word and like, oh my God.

[00:05:47] Jenna: I just felt so seen and understood and you like. It at the time you were promoing the book club, and I was like, yes, this is it. I'm in. Like, there's no question about it. And [00:06:00] oh, it was just, I just wanna say that like your community was just like falling into these like loving warm hugs. Like it was just like this, like embrace that I needed right then.

[00:06:09] Jenna: Like I'm not alone and I'm not crazy and like this, this makes so much sense. You know? And I mean, I could go on a huge rabbit trail about that, but I, I was like, you just brought that up and I was like, It's time that I connected with you and, and was just doing so much work myself. So how beautiful 

[00:06:27] Katy: is that?

[00:06:27] Katy: I love that. Oh, you're giving me goosebumps. I know. It's [00:06:30] really my fa of all the things I do, the book club has become my absolute favorite thing. I just, it brings me so much joy. I've done it. Four times now. And we're just gonna, and we keep, we just, I just keep offering it and doing it, and it's just, I love it.

[00:06:44] Katy: I just feel like a little shepherd with, with my new flock. Yeah. Because some of these women, it really is the first time they've even talked about this with anybody. And yeah. It's just, I find it so nourishing, so. Yeah. And then [00:07:00] also, you know, before I was even diagnosed with adhd, I've been coaching.

[00:07:04] Katy: For a long time about seven years I've been coaching. I was orig. I I used to be a journalist for a long time and then when my son was born, I pivoted cause I was, you know, a stay-at-home mom and was, you know, starting my 18th business decided to get certified as a, as a health coach. So I had started initially as.

[00:07:25] Katy: Health coaching and I was working then diet recovery and binge eating recovery, [00:07:30] which is, I had no idea at the time cuz I hadn't been diagnosed with adhd, I had no idea at the time how prevalent binge eating is among women with h d and just eating disorders in general. And so that was really, really eye-opening to me after my diagnosis.

[00:07:44] Katy: And I wanted to call all of my old clients and be like, guess what? We all have adhd and so.

[00:07:54] Katy: But you know, more and more, I think as the podcast grew and as the community grew, I was, I have slowly [00:08:00] pivoted more into just general ADHD coaching and offering the programs of the group programs and the book club and that kind stuff. So that's sort where I'm at. 

[00:08:08] Jenna: I love, I, I mean, I love your, I mean, I love your podcast.

[00:08:12] Jenna: I love your business. I love all of that because it's been so profound for me and I feel like I could, you know, be an affiliate for you or something from the amount of people. I'm like, go check. Sending them to the community and sending them to the book club. And I love the resources that I've personally [00:08:30] discovered through you.

[00:08:31] Jenna: Just with like money management stuff and like intuitive eating, like I love the ADHD and intuitive eating and what else like, Oh, medication, you know, Caitlin Johnson, you've had all these people on that. Like, just have been so, so supportive for me and my journey. So it's always like, if I need something, I, I know that Katy has a resource for it, and so it's like I just know that that's there and it's like, it's such, it's so yeah, it's just really great for me, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on, because just to [00:09:00] caveat for like a moment, When women are breastfeeding their estrogen levels go down, which is a time, that time.

[00:09:08] Jenna: And then perimenopause and menopause are both times where women tend to get diagnosed with a D H D or really start to struggle with symptoms that have always been there, but they really become profound in those transitions in their life. But also just like. You know, physi physiologically, their bodies are you know, displaying more traits simply because of, you know, chemistry and their [00:09:30] hormones.

[00:09:30] Jenna: Right? So what I find a ton is that there's a lot of moms who think maybe I have a D H D You know, and we could talk about the pandemic and all of these different things that would kind of culminate right now, but also at this kind of stage in their parenting. And it's funny that you were even like, well I was a stay-at-home mom and that's when I, you know, transitioned into coaching cuz everything was like going on after I had my child.

[00:09:51] Jenna: And it's like, of course, because like if you have a D H D that's like an extra epic transition for you in so many ways. Right? [00:10:00] So I'm slightly getting off track here, but I know that there's a lot of women who. Question who are listening to this podcast and are like, I think I have adhd. Or like for me, right?

[00:10:08] Jenna: It was like all the memes and all the TikTok. Somehow my whole TikTok feed is all about neuro divergence. How did this happen?

[00:10:18] Jenna: Was like sending you those things right. So I, I'm curious to know kind of your experience of kind of saying maybe I have adhd, right? Like you were talking about the pandemic and all of these [00:10:30] pieces too. And then kind of just more on like a general level, like what's the general like, if somebody's in that position, what, what do they have?

[00:10:40] Jenna: What's available to them? What's here, what can they do? So kind of two, two separate questions, but we'll get there. 

[00:10:46] Katy: Right. I think, I think TikTok is such a wonderful resource because, you know, it's not, One of the things that I think really brings so many of us to our D H D diagnosis is not looking up, [00:11:00] is not even the term h d, right?

[00:11:02] Katy: Like when you hear adhd, it's like, I'm not hyperactive. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have an attention issue. What does that even mean? Right? I have, you know, I'll have copious amounts of attention. Sometimes like it's such a misleading acronym in the first place. Yes. And so, so many of us, especially women, you know when when my therapist first started suggesting I might look into it, my first reaction was like I was offended.

[00:11:24] Katy: Like, I was like, do you really think I'm that screwed up? Like I just sort of felt like I. Do you [00:11:30] think? I'm not an adult. Like I just had all of these misconceptions and stereotypes about what ADHD was. It's a little boy who couldn't sit still. I didn't relate to it at all. And so I think what is, so why there's been this real kinda renaissance of adult women diagnoses, or not even a renaissance, what's.

[00:11:45] Katy: The word I'm looking for, just, you know, explosion Yeah. Of, of adult women in diagnoses is, you know, from places like TikTok and Instagram where you're seeing the lived experience of what this actually looks like. And so we're not talking [00:12:00] about, you know, not being able to sit still in your chair so much as we're talking about the internalized hyperactivity that leads to starting a new business.

[00:12:08] Katy: Even though you're a stay-at-home mom and like always wanting to do all these things, right. Or yeah. Or just, you know, like one of the things that I, I remember. Never really being able to like, feel present with my kids. Like I always had to be up and moving and we were always the one, we were always going to target and grocery stores and like, yes, I felt like a terrible mom because I couldn't just sit and play Legos.

[00:12:29] Katy: [00:12:30] Right? Like, you know, and, and so like some of those ways where I was like, I look back and I'm like, oh, maybe. Do have a had touch of the hyperactive. I just never Right. Saw it as, as you know, and so when we start sharing our lived experiences, you're like, oh, I realize that not only does ADHD have to do with some of that stuff about like I can never feel relaxed.

[00:12:50] Katy: I can never really like appreciate my downtime. You know, some of that stuff, but also the deeply held shame around some of that stuff. Yes. Which [00:13:00] is. I'm such a bad mom because I can't sit still with my kid and play dolls, right? Yeah. Or I'm such a bad mom. Like it's always, it's, it's the way in which we judge ourselves as, as though we, these are like deeply flawed characteristics and so, you know, I think so many of us relate to, you know, just how damaging are.

[00:13:21] Katy: Self-concept is as a result of, of undiagnosed A D H D. And so, so many of us are diagnosed with depression [00:13:30] and or anxiety or some kind of mood disorder long before our h d diagnosis. So much so that I'm almost like if you've been diagnosed with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety as like a, as a power duo, yeah, that's almost like, like that's almost pretty much a guaranteed precursor.

[00:13:46] Jenna: Yeah. Like go in, start looking into it. Yeah. Do a screening test. Take, I, I relate to that so much. And even for me too, it was the executive functioning stuff too, where like I would struggle to get my kids dressed. To take them outside [00:14:00] to play. It was like I, I had a hard time. Putting the tasks in order, and it felt so overwhelming to say, okay, we're gonna do this.

[00:14:08] Jenna: We're gonna get the shoes on, we're gonna get the coats on, we're gonna go outside. I'm gonna set this up. And to, like, I had so much shame around that too. Like, I can't, I'm not a good mom because I can't Oh. Or like my house not being, you know, spotless and always struggling with those things too. So I, it was the lived experiences of other people that it was like, Oh my gosh, that's a d h d, you know?

[00:14:29] Jenna: [00:14:30] And yes to the anxiety and depression and all of those pieces coming beforehand too, like, yeah. Well, another 

[00:14:37] Katy: thing, I mean, you know, executive dysfunction too. It's, it wasn't a term I'd ever heard of before I had been diagnosed. I didn't know anything about a, i, I don't understand why we're not taught executive functioning skills in school.

[00:14:48] Katy: Like why are they teaching us? To sew when they should be teaching us how to like really kind of intentionally learn how to prioritize and do some of these things that so many of us struggle with. But for [00:15:00] me, I think one of the biggest things that blew my mind with the h d diagnosis was emotional regulation and emotional dysregulation and how much that affected me as a mom, as a wife, and.

[00:15:13] Katy: Not real. I never made the connection that I, that there was like a, a, that my emotions were tied to stimulation and being overstimulated. And that I think, was so profound because there was so many experiences. There's so many moments where like, [00:15:30] I would just fly into a rage and I had no idea why. And I felt like my husband was always walking on eggshells around me.

[00:15:37] Katy: I, you know, I would yell at my kids and I'd just see that look in their face of just being like, oh God, what did I do? You know, like I felt so out of control in terms of my rage sometimes as a mom, and I had no idea. I mean, I sort of vaguely knew. I was like, God, I really need a good night's sleep, or something like that.

[00:15:54] Katy: But I had no idea how much that was tied. To just being overstimulated in [00:16:00] terms of touch, in terms of noise you know, in terms of like, you know, whether I was feeding myself properly or, you know, hydrated or sleeping. Like, there was just, there's so many of those elements that were a mystery to me before my diagnosis where I had no idea, and then suddenly I'd just be treading water and then, You know, yelling at everybody and I, and I felt like a terrible person again.

[00:16:22] Katy: Right. It always came back to that question of like, God, what is wrong with me? Yeah. That I can't stop yelling at everybody. So, and there's [00:16:30] nothing about emotions or emotional regulation and A D H D in the d s M, it's, you know, if you go, not a lot of psychiatrists will ask you about that. So like, so, I feel like many, many women especially really relate to the emotional elements of a d Yeah.

[00:16:48] Katy: More than the 

[00:16:48] Jenna: physical stuff. Yeah. And I like a hundred percent I talk about like nervous system regulation like I have my program and that's like a huge part that we talk about. And like [00:17:00] for me, that comes into like the physical regulation. And then when we talk about the hyperactivity in the brain, like your brain is overstimulated with.

[00:17:08] Jenna: Your thoughts and like, so there's like, there's like this external stimulation from all of these pieces, like, you know, and then when you have this hyperactivity, I literally call it like tigers in your brain. It's like you've got these like things kind of like lurking around every corner and they all like add up when you've got.

[00:17:24] Jenna: All of these different pieces that are sitting in your brain, and then you've got the you know, executive function or [00:17:30] dysfunction piece where you can't sort through those and prioritize them. And so everything's sitting there. And then every time you turn around, you know, you've got the you know Object, permanence or object impermanence, where you see something and it's reminding you of something you've completely forgot about and it's all piling up.

[00:17:46] Jenna: And of course you're blowing your top right, of course. And then when you're breastfeeding on top of it and you've got kids that are climbing on you. And then when we talk about toddler breastfeeding, and now not only do you have all the shame and like, you [00:18:00] know All of those pieces from perhaps thinking that you're lazy or thinking that you're constantly, you know, but now you have all this, like, maybe I'm messing up my kids and maybe I'm not, you know, like, and they still, they shouldn't still be breastfeeding and they should be sleeping through the night and like it just piles up and up and up and up.

[00:18:15] Jenna: And I totally, I. Oh man, like I get it a hundred percent. And I think it's really important that you that you mentioned that because it isn't something that when you just Google like, do I have a d h D? It's not a [00:18:30] piece that comes up as like, this might, if you're experiencing this, maybe that's why, you know, so I'm really, I'm really grateful that you did bring that up.

[00:18:40] Katy: Right. And I, and I think that there are, you know, so many ways in which it's presented on the online in terms of like, questions can be, you know, using terms like executive function, where before I, before my ADHD diagnosis, I wouldn't have related to that. I wouldn't have known what that meant. So, you know, really being, I think that's why it's so important to have these conversations about like, what it [00:19:00] looks like in real life, right?

[00:19:01] Katy: Like how it manifests. In our lives. And then when you're listening to somebody talk about it and you're nodding your head over and over being like, oh my God, this is explaining my whole life. Those are those moments where it's like, yeah, you might wanna get it checked out. 

[00:19:15] Jenna: Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, for me there was like school, I did have issues.

[00:19:20] Jenna: Like I struggled. It was only my anxiety that pushed me through enough that I was able to stay somewhat afloat until I couldn't in university. And it all kind of [00:19:30] exploded on me. And I think that that's like an experience, like, it's like, well, I did fine in school. Like, you know, like or, and some people have PhDs and whatnot that have.

[00:19:38] Jenna: Absolutely have adhd and it's a lot of times the anxiety that's keeping them going, you know, until, until it doesn't. So we have like all of these different, you know, pieces and these experiences and I think that it's just really, really is important to kind of like bring them to light and be honest about.

[00:19:54] Jenna: What that actually looks like. And it is vulnerable too because you, there is shame around those things in so [00:20:00] many ways, right? So I think it takes people who have done a little bit of work around it to kind of like work through that shame, to be able to be honest, that we can kind of like unchain other people around us.

[00:20:10] Jenna: You know, it's like being honest about that kind of like breaks the shame where they're like, oh yeah, me too. Right? And then everyone can start getting the support that they ultimately need. And a lot of that support is, begins with just. Straight up self-compassion, you know, like, it's like, yep, me too, I'm there.

[00:20:27] Jenna: And it helps so much. So with that being [00:20:30] said, Katy, for anyone who's listening and they're like, Oh my God. Maybe that's me. Right. Or like, I've always wanted to say it. Like, it's scary to bring it up to my doctor. It's scary to, you know, to do these things. What, what was kind of like your experience with getting support and then what are some ways that you support your, your clients and your community to get support if they suspect or are newly diagnosed with a D H D?

[00:20:56] Katy: Yeah. You know, it's funny cuz one of the, one of my pet peeves [00:21:00] is, is when somebody is officially diagnosed. So often the experience is yes, here's your official diagnosis, here's a prescription for medication. Okay, goodbye. Good luck. And it's kind of, it's, it's presented in this way that the medication is somehow going to assault everything.

[00:21:16] Katy: And very rarely is that the experience. Many of us. Either medication doesn't work for us, there's too many side effects, or you know, it's just not. The right choice. And [00:21:30] so I feel like there, you know, there is a lot of additional supports. I think the, the treatment plan, when I talk about that with adhd, it involves so many approaches and it really is one of the thing, you know, it's not just.

[00:21:44] Katy: The kind of disorder where you take a pill and everything's fine. That said, medication can be incredibly helpful for many people. Yeah. So I really do encourage it. And I do, you know, when people say, is there really a point in getting officially diagnosed? You know, that's really the big thing is, is to [00:22:00] get officially diagnosed.

[00:22:01] Katy: Then you can start playing with, with getting the right medication for you. And I think it's really important to at least try So, what was I where I lost my train of thought. What was I talking about? Oh, so I mean, when I was first diagnosed you know, one of the things I was really helpful for me was checklists.

[00:22:21] Katy: And I always encourage people, if you're going to your doctor, it's doctors are gonna be looking for evidence. Of h [00:22:30] d especially in your childhood and that can be really difficult cuz many of us, like you said, many of women, their experience was, they did well in school. They really behaved. This is something about when you're social, you know, especially that we talk about a lot when being socialized as girls is that, you know, we're, we're taught to really like, be small and behave.

[00:22:48] Katy: And so not very many of us had the experience of our teachers saying, you know, Your kid has adhd, you might wanna look at it into it. For her parents, you know, many, many women did very well in [00:23:00] school. White knuckled it through high school, did you know, and then eventually at some point, anxiety, you know, something, some catalyst came along where the anxiety couldn't fuel them anymore and you know, something happened that, you know, that, that had that epic meltdown as I call it.

[00:23:16] Katy: Yeah. Right. So so, you know, masking is, I don't know how much you wanna get into masking, but it, you know, masking is such a huge part of the undiagnosed experience, which is really kind of like presenting [00:23:30] ourselves in a way that we feel like, you know, we're showing a, you know, we use the example of the swan a lot, I don't know if you've talked about that already, but like the, you know, this, this calm, you know, this calm swan on the surface, everybody thinks you're doing great, but underneath you're madly paddling and you just.

[00:23:46] Katy: Feel like you're doing so much work, you're just, you're just treading water to keep up appearances. And so, you know, it can be difficult to explain to a doctor what the evidence of CHI [00:24:00] was in childhood over the course of your life. So I feel like checklists can be a really helpful resource, not only for yourself and your own self-discovery of like, oh, wow, I had no idea that, you know, Being anxious about somebody coming over to my house unannounced, had ties to A D H D or road rage, you know, speeding.

[00:24:19] Katy: Like the, you know, all of these ways in which you're like, oh yeah, okay, I get that. That makes sense. So my favorite checklist is the, is the one written by Sari Solden on, you can find it on Attitude [00:24:30] Magazine and it's specifically for women. And I think that that really gets into a lot of the emotional.

[00:24:35] Katy: Social shame elements that we've talked about, and it let you know, it's less focused on the DSM questions, like, are you driven by a motor? Which I find like, I don't know. Aren't we all like just random questions that I never related to? Right. So that checklist, I have a couple of checklists on my website too on the resources page 

[00:24:57] Jenna: that I'll make sure everything's linked in the show [00:25:00] notes.

[00:25:00] Jenna: So if you're listening, you can go and click on the show notes. It'll lobby there. 

[00:25:04] Katy: So yeah, some of my favorites that are just like principal checklists that you can bring to your doctor that just give you a, an opportunity for conversation so that you're not just going to your doctor and saying, I saw a TikTok video and I'm pretty sure I have a D H D.

[00:25:17] Katy: Because usually that's not what happens. Usually you see a TikTok video, you see another one. Suddenly you're for you Page is like nonstop ADHD videos. And it's like your whole life starts to flash before your eyes and you're doing [00:25:30] hyper-focused research and you're doing all this digging, but if you have adhd, you're gonna go to the doctor and you're gonna be completely tongue-tied.

[00:25:37] Katy: You're not gonna know what to talk about. You're gonna feel rushed and you're gonna be like I don't know what to tell you. You know? And then the doctor shoves you out of the office. And so I'm like, sometimes I'm like, look, if you find doctor's visits traumatic, that should be enough to tell you.

[00:25:52] Katy: That should be your diagnosis, right? You're speaking 

[00:25:55] Jenna: my language. I can't even walk into, I [00:26:00] still see a doctor that I seen when I was a teenager and like when I walk into the waiting room, it was like panic attacks. Oh my gosh. This was stressful for me. I mean, not the doctor itself, but just the whole experience of like having to articulate and having to remember why I was there in the first place and all of that.

[00:26:16] Jenna: Like, yes, 

[00:26:18] Katy: they give you all this information and shove you out the door. And there's like so many times where I'll be like out in the parking lot just being like, what just happened? You know? So, right. So that's why [00:26:30] now I'm like, you need to write everything down. Do not tell me anything unless I get it in writing, because it's just, that's like, talk about overstimulation.

[00:26:37] Katy: That is a totally overstimulating environment. So so bring lots of paperwork, bring checklists, bring, think of like, You know, some of the traits that you identify with, some of the things where you're like, really like, oh my God, this is me. And that can be really, really helpful when it comes to articulating.

[00:26:54] Katy: Yeah. Because that's what doctors are looking for. They're looking for 

[00:26:57] Jenna: evidence. Yeah. It was helpful for [00:27:00] me when I had already missed two doctor's appointments before and.

[00:27:08] Jenna: And they're like, Jenna, you missed two. I just, oh, yeah. That kind of voted well for me with the evidence side of things, 

[00:27:17] Katy: so, right. I know. Well, and I also, I had a very similar experience with my doctor where it was like I had all this shuffled paperwork that I brought with me and all these notes in these checklists, and I was like, here, here, here.

[00:27:27] Katy: And she was like, you had me at hello? Like, it's okay. [00:27:30] But we get that feeling like we have to convince. Them. Right? And so it's like we have to convince the doctor that we have this. And then when we get diagnosed, we're like, did I did? Was I too good at convincing that? You know? And then you go into that statement of questioning like, oh, did I fool them?

[00:27:45] Katy: Totally. So, right. So there's just a lot of anxiety around the whole experience. Yeah, 

[00:27:54] Jenna: a hundred percent. I think that that's, that's really helpful to have that like, part of, like, [00:28:00] there are checklists that are designed for women and I will absolutely link to Sari Solden cuz I adore her. So I'll link to that in the show notes.

[00:28:07] Jenna: And I think that that's just like such a, a really beautiful place to start to have that conversation with your doctor. And I wanna make a note too, on medication, I will link some stuff on medication and breastfeeding in the show notes too. Because that's a conversation I have with people all the time.

[00:28:22] Jenna: So that will be there. If you're breastfeeding and you're curious but then I also wanted to say, so like, [00:28:30] after that you're talking about these treatment plans that have like so many different pieces to them that's not just medication. So when you're talking with your doctor and they're like, yes, you have a diagnosis, and you're like, cool, you get to play with some medication and have, you know, and, and see some things and medication has made a difference in my life.

[00:28:44] Jenna: And I always say, and I still have adhd. I have medication and I still have adhd. It's all together. It's both and Right. So what are some other areas that are really supportive in that kind of beginning journey of yeah. [00:29:00] After a D H D diagnosis? 

[00:29:02] Katy: Right. Yeah. Well, and I think that also kind of speaks to a lot of the women I work with who come, who are newly diagnosed and they come to me and they're like, I just found out what's wrong with me.

[00:29:11] Katy: Let's. Fix it, right? And I'm like, okay, we need to really, we need to unpack all of that, right? Because so much of this, like you said, is not necessarily trying to fix this A D H D. It's like, how can I live with it? How can I embrace it? How can I, you know, manage it in a way that feels good, [00:29:30] but also, like a lot of these, a lot of these character flaws that we had believed were terrible about us are really.

[00:29:36] Katy: You know, some wonderful gifts that if we can understand them and manage them, we can, you know, a lot of that involves reframing more than it involves fixing. Yeah. Yeah, and I think that's a concept that I learned from the, the Radical Guide for Women with ADHD was really like, you can be an extraordinary human being and also need a lot of help and a lot of support, but the [00:30:00] only thing that needs fixing are dogs and furniture.

[00:30:03] Katy: Yeah. So, so with the treatment plan, I mean, I, for me, I kind of like to think about it as this holistic approach. So there's, you know, obviously one of the number one ways that we can manage our adhd right off the bat, easy free is, Is movement, right? And I'm not talking about a gym membership or you know, buying a Peloton.

[00:30:28] Katy: Like I'm not, you know, if you [00:30:30] have adhd, you're gonna be like, all right, I'm gonna have to like go at this whole hog and I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna buy a new outfit and new shoes, and I, you know so yeah, if that was your instant reaction, then there's a tip off. Yeah. But really just like getting outside, getting your heart rate elevated, moving a little bit every day, whatever that looks like I think is probably one of the.

[00:30:51] Katy: Best, like one of the single best things we can do for our brains. And it's hard. It's hard when you have little ones, right? It's hard [00:31:00] when you're tired all the time. But if there's a way that we can kind of work that into our lives, that will make a huge difference. Which brings me to this idea of like self advocacy, which is starting to recognize what are some of the things I need and how can I put myself.

[00:31:17] Katy: F forward a bit, right? Which as moms, it's really hard. And, you know, we keep hearing all of the, like, you gotta give yourself the oxygen before you give it to anyone else. And you can't pour from an empty cup. But it's like, there's just a lot of eye rolling [00:31:30] because your family doesn't accommodate that very much.

[00:31:33] Katy: Like we really, you really have to start putting your foot down with your partner or, you know, and, and yeah, and saying like, these are the things I need to show up. As the best version of me. And that's a real like cognitive shift, I think, for a lot of women, which is like, no, I should be able to do that.

[00:31:48] Katy: I should be able to do everything and I'm not gonna ask for help unless I'm literally at my breaking point. Yeah. And that's another thing we have to start unpacking, which is like, no, actually you deserve help before you're at your [00:32:00] breaking point. You deserve help. Yeah. Before you even get anywhere near that.

[00:32:03] Katy: And so what does that look like and how can you kind of. Self-advocate and how can you even articulate for yourself what you need? Right? Yeah. Like even going back to the, the emotional dysregulation, like sometimes you don't even know what help you need. You know, it's really hard to kind of figure that out.

[00:32:18] Katy: So, I think having some grace is, is really important. Education and research I think is one of the amazing things about, you know, in terms of what resources are out there. The [00:32:30] reason why I called my podcast women and d h d was because the first thing I did when I was diagnosed with D H D was I typed women, A D H D, into Apple Podcast and I found Tracy Alka podcast where oh d h ADHD for Smart Ass Women.

[00:32:44] Katy: And I listened to like 75 episodes. Just nonstop with my jaw on the floor. And, but you know, it's like really finding out as much as possible so that you can, I think this diagnosis is what [00:33:00] it, what it is, is information, right? I think so many of us don't look at this as a negative pathological dis disorder because really what it is, is an opportunity to understand why we are the way we are, why we're doing things, and what is happening.

[00:33:15] Katy: Right. 

[00:33:16] Jenna: And that there's something seeing it more as that. Yeah. Seeing it more as that, like Neurotype versus like the disorder. It's like, this is the way my brain is, this is who I am, this is brain. It functions this way. And, and truth, I mean, it perhaps [00:33:30] seems controversial, but the reason why we struggled the way that we do is because the rest of the world doesn't have.

[00:33:36] Jenna: Doesn't need to function the way that we function, right? So it's just not set up to accommodate us. So we just need different things than the rest of the world. But because we were different, we just like assumed that it was us, that we were the problem. So then we blame ourselves and we have all this shame and we think, well, we must be alone in this.

[00:33:52] Jenna: But it's just not the case. So it's, I love that, that you brought that up. I use like this. Framework when I'm coaching and in my, my [00:34:00] courses like compassion, curiosity, creativity. So it's like really starting with that compassion first. And I, it's kind of like a bullseye. It looks like a boob. We start with like compassion and so much self-compassion, and it's only through doing that that we can like kind of peel off the layers of shame and love ourselves enough to be present, to get curious about what our needs are.

[00:34:21] Jenna: And then from that place we can creatively problem solve. And it is, I think that the thing with A D H D and the thing with toddler breastfeeding and the thing with [00:34:30] all of these wonderful things that are perhaps not the, the norm, right? Is that we need to do things differently. And it, it's create it's creativity.

[00:34:39] Jenna: It's looking at the world and having to think a little outside the box for yourself and saying, okay, what are my needs and how do I need to show up for myself right now? And. Once you can kind of break away from having to do things the way everybody else does them, it's like, whoa, this whole new world opens up for you.

[00:34:55] Jenna: But it, it takes, it takes some work to get to that place so it's not an [00:35:00] overnight kind of, you know, kind of deal. 

[00:35:02] Katy: Yeah, yeah. Right. I love the term creative problem solving because it really is, you know, one of my favorite. Phrases that I use all the time in my own life and with my clients is, is this is information, right?

[00:35:13] Katy: And this is information. If you, if you, if something's happening and every, you've been yelling at everybody or so, you know, you're having these moments of just overload. Sometimes it helps to really kind of just. Stop and, and step outside of the emotional reaction, which is, oh, I'm such a failure. What's wrong with me?

[00:35:28] Katy: I'm so terrible. [00:35:30] Those are all emotional reactions, but if we can say, this is information. What am I gonna learn from this? How am I gonna, you know, what, what can we do differently next time? Those are all kind of these logical, like observant. Like anthropological observations about the situation. Yeah.

[00:35:45] Jenna: It's like a neutral, yeah, it's like a neutral, like looking at it like neutrality brought to it so you can, yeah, you can be present with it. Right? You're not like stuck in some trigger about it. Right. So, 

[00:35:56] Katy: yeah. And it's only in that, it's only in that [00:36:00] State of mind that you can, like you said it, it's only from that state of mind can you move into a state of problem solving.

[00:36:06] Katy: When you are still in the emotional state of mind, you're just treading water. And so you won't be in a position to solve anything. You're just gonna be in a state of constant. Crisis. Yeah. And right. And so it's like what are some of the ways in which, what are some of the strategies that we can have for ourselves to just sort of get us out of that frame of mind as quickly as possible?

[00:36:24] Jenna: Absolutely. Yeah. That's when I love talking about the neuroscience, cuz from a super practical perspective, like [00:36:30] the part of your brain, That is thinking and responsible for problem solving goes offline when you're like in a hyper emotional state, like you don't have access to it. It's, it's not there. So, you know, it's not like, oh, I have to white knuckle this and like get through it.

[00:36:44] Jenna: It's like actually, like, that's gonna, that's only gonna make things worse from a super basic scientific kind of like standpoint, you know, like you're not, there's nothing wrong with you for not being able to problem solve when you're, Shaming and blaming yourself and beating yourself up emotionally, right?

[00:36:59] Jenna: [00:37:00] Like it just won't work. 

[00:37:02] Katy: Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so really like driving home that idea that there was never anything wrong with you, you just needed the, the right tool. I always, I like to use the example with my kids of the left-handed scissors in terms of the, this idea that no brand you right, which is really that.

[00:37:19] Katy: You know, if everybody else in the room is using scissors and they're doing great and they're cutting and there's no issues, and then they hand them to you and you just happen to be left-handed and you're trying these scissors and they're not cutting and you don't [00:37:30] know what you're doing wrong. And everybody else is like, I don't know what's wrong.

[00:37:34] Katy: They work fine for me. And you're like, ah, I, I keep trying. And they're just like, try harder, try hard. It doesn't matter how hard you try, it's never gonna work. And, and then so it's the same idea, like you were saying, like there's. There's only so much you can try to jam this until you have to stop and say, you know, I don't have the right tools right now.

[00:37:51] Katy: This is never gonna work for me. Yeah. 

[00:37:53] Jenna: Ugh. I love that. So I think that that brings us to a great place to say, if you're listening to this podcast and you're saying [00:38:00] like, I. Oh my God, I've been trying to just white knuckle this. I've been just trying to force my little left hand or my right hand into these right-handed scissors and cut or force my left hand into these right-handed scissors and cut and it's just not working anymore.

[00:38:14] Jenna: There are a lot of resources out there and you know, maybe you typed women in A D H D into this and breastfeeding, I don't know, into this Spotify, and you came across this podcast. Where are some ways that people can connect with you, Katy? [00:38:30] 

[00:38:30] Katy: Well there is the podcast which is called Women and adhd, and the website is also a good place to start cuz I like all roads lead out from the website.

[00:38:39] Katy: So that is women and adhd.com. I have the online community too, which is just a a that's where what some of the experts that you were talking about, like ca talking about medication. Every month we have an expert talk about a new topic. That's related to A D H D and that's in the community. And then I'm [00:39:00] on Instagram as I have two accounts on Instagram.

[00:39:04] Katy: There's the women in d h ADHD podcast account, and then there's my personal account, which is Katy Weber, do h, adhd and what am I forgetting? Anything? I don't know. You'll have like, you can find it all 

[00:39:14] Jenna: the list. Yeah, I'll have all the links. And Katy's like if, I always feel like if there's something coming up, and this has absolutely happened before I post about it in the.

[00:39:22] Jenna: The, in the like community or I'll DM Katy and there's always a resource available. There's always something that we can do. In fact, talking about [00:39:30] movement and everything, I mean, you just, I think it was last month you had somebody in On Movement, right? You had Marni in on movement talking about 

[00:39:36] Katy: No, she's coming up.

[00:39:37] Katy: Yeah, she's coming up. Okay. Yeah. I haven't seen her yet. Like this Sunday. 

[00:39:41] Jenna: Okay. Oh, that's right. That's right. I was like, I knew it just, I thought I missed it. My brain. Make sure it's in the calendar or else, or else I forget it. But yeah. Yeah, there's always something. So I love that so much and it has been an absolute pleasure to have you on Katy.

[00:39:56] Jenna: I as, as always, it's just, it's so fun to hang out with you. [00:40:00] 

[00:40:00] Katy: Oh, I love chatting with you too. And so I feel like even just if people are listening and just adore you, that might also be an instant if they, if they feel like very connected to you. I'm also like, sometimes you realize that all of your best friends also had adhd.

[00:40:13] Katy: We didn't realize that. Oh, 

[00:40:14] Jenna: yeah, hundred percent. One of my best friends, like there's a few of us that have adhd, but she's also in the group and I'm like, Well, sweetheart, I mean, if this isn't a sign, I don't know, like, I dunno what is [00:40:30] Absolutely, absolutely. 

[00:40:32] Katy: Do you remember what episode number you are for?

[00:40:34] Katy: My, you should put a link to that, to conversation. 

[00:40:37] Jenna: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll, I will. Great conversation. Yeah, I definitely will. I've had a lot of people reach out from that podcast still, it's been like out for like a year or more, and it's really fun to see it still kind of circulating and people, people benefiting from it, so That's great.

[00:40:53] Jenna: So, all right. Thanks Katy.