18: A Night Away - What to consider when you are leaving your breastfeeding toddler overnight

"Is it even POSSIBLE to leave your breastfed toddler for an entire night? 

And if it is...  do you have to wean?" 

These are thoughts that go through your mind when you have an invitation show up in the mail for an out-of-town wedding.  

And let's be real, sometimes you even fantasize about a king-size bed all to yourself and a night with ZERO interruptions! But then the guilt sinks in.  

Or maybe none of that has ever felt appealing but you are feeling pressure from your partner to plan a getaway, or hearing that it's strange that you have never slept apart from your toddler.  

Never fear, sweet mama! 

In this episode, I cover 5 considerations you need to make before you plan a night away from your breastfed toddler. 

I got you!

Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at  www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Love this episode?!  Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3

Transcript

[00:00:00] I am gonna try and keep this one quick today because I'm still not fully recovered from all of the yuck that has been happening in my poor body over the last few weeks. But I wanted to put out an episode, um, where I really address a common question that I've seen a lot lately and always get. It doesn't really, it's not just a current question, but I have had it more, more frequently as well, which is, can you spend a night away from your breastfeeding toddler?

[00:00:25] And the short answer is 100%. Yes, you absolutely [00:00:30] can. Now we're gonna be breaking down a number of things that you need to consider if you are thinking about spending a night away from your toddler or already planning one. And, um, I hope that this offers a lot of support for you. It makes sense that this is an area that you feel unsure about, right?

[00:00:47] Because. When you are breastfeeding a small baby, it's not ideal to spend a night away from them. Can you do it? For sure. Um, but there's a lot to consider in that early [00:01:00] phases with your milk supply and with their nutritional needs and their attachment needs and all of those pieces. Yeah. There's a lot to consider, particularly if your baby's under six months and then.

[00:01:09] A little less to consider, but still a lot to consider with under 12 months. And then the, the older they get, um, the considerations start to shift, but you know, there's less and less things that are like high risk issues, right? With nutrition and supply. So we're gonna get into all of that now. And as I always do, the very first consideration that I want you to [00:01:30] take a moment and think about is drum roll.

[00:01:33] Your why. Why do you want to spend a night away now? It's important to note that you are not required to, to need or want to be separate from your child just because you're a human mother. There can be this kind of narrative that like, you know, you're overly attached to your child and you need to take time away for you.

[00:01:57] And that, that's just like, that's [00:02:00] critically important. Um, and so like people can be shocked to hear that, you know, you've never spent a night away from your three year old or whatever. Now that is just simply not the case. There's no reason, like there's no inherent need to be away from your child just because you are a human mother.

[00:02:18] On the flip side, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you like, or because of that, I should say, there's nothing wrong with you if you do not want to be separated from your child. On the flip side, there's nothing wrong with you. If you do, there's no [00:02:30] reason that you, um, need to stay in proximity with your child continuously.

[00:02:36] If it is working for you, if there's no reason why you need to spend a night away, if you don't really have any desire to, then don't, that's completely fine. You can say no to the overnight trip or the wedding that you would have to be away from your child for if you want. To, and if you don't, if you wanna go to that wedding or if you just are desperate to get a night away, that's completely okay too.

[00:02:58] You're not gonna damage [00:03:00] your child, you're not gonna hurt your bond, your breastfeeding relationship doesn't have to end. Um, you know, all of that is okay. So take that into consideration for your why. Do you want to do this? Just because you should quote, should do it. Do you want to spend a night away because you should go to the wedding because you know you need to suck it up and you know, you just need to push through and get over this fear you have.

[00:03:25] Um, maybe it's just a really practical, you don't really have any fear or. [00:03:30] Anything around it, it's just they, you have an event coming up and you're thinking, eh, is this a good idea or not? I really would like to go, but um, it's not something I really wanna bring my child to. I would love to have a night away with my partner or maybe just by yourself.

[00:03:43] Um, you know, that's much more of a practical side of things. Just hold on to whatever that why is. Okay. And if your why doesn't feel good enough to you. That's okay. You can stop right here and say, no, I'm just not gonna spend a night away. That is 1000%. Okay. [00:04:00] Um, but hold on to that. Because it's going to give you some clarity.

[00:04:04] Of course, if you're super anxious about this, if it's not something you want to do, then don't do it. Right? I talked about this many times with the breastfeeding stress cycle and all of those pieces. It's not gonna be good for you or your child if it's just not something you wanna do. Okay? Moving on to consideration number two.

[00:04:20] So the first one was your why. The second one is nutritional needs for your little one. Now, if your little one is less than 18 months, they're likely very, very [00:04:30] likely going to need some nutrition, um, overnight. Now, if your child naturally just doesn't need nutrition overnight, they're, you know, nine months or 12 months and they've just started sleeping through the night completely on their own and they've never woken up for food, this might not apply to you as well.

[00:04:47] If your child is two or three and they still wake up to breastfeed overnight, um, that's okay. It's important to understand that those nutritional needs over a year do not have to be met with breast milk. They don't have to be. [00:05:00] So you can provide a, uh, snack. They can have Cheerios and a banana. They can have some cow's milk if you would like that.

[00:05:08] Um, whatever works for, you know, your family values and all those things as well. Um, This is more applicable for like younger toddlers in that like, you know, 12 to 24 month range, you do not need to give them a bottle, um, of milk overnight. That does not need to happen. They can absolutely use a sippy cup.

[00:05:26] They can drink water. Um, if you know all [00:05:30] of that is okay. So, um, I just wanna lay that out for you. Your child may need some nutrition overnight. That's okay. And it doesn't need to be breast milk and it doesn't need to be in a bottle. So you can be creative here. Um, this might not even be something that you are going to be planning or thinking about.

[00:05:50] This. Might something be something that the care provider, the babysitter, whoever's gonna be watching your child overnight. Is gonna be thinking about. So that leads us into consideration number three. So consideration [00:06:00] number one was why number two was nutritional needs. Yeah, your child might need some nutrition overnight.

[00:06:05] And then consideration number three is who will your child be staying with? So this is kind of the big one, right? It could be your partner, it could be a co-parent, it could be, um, maybe a grandparent, it could be a friend. An aunt, an uncle, um, you know, whomever, right? But you need to think about, do you trust this person?

[00:06:25] Now, I'm not saying that they're gonna do something nefarious. I mean, if they are, don't trust them. [00:06:30] Obviously, don't leave your child with them. But I mean, do you trust that this person is going to be able to support your child through whatever emotions they may have about your separation? It's not a guarantee that they will have any emotions being separated from you, but if they do, is this person going to be able to comfort them and be able to stay with them in whatever they're feeling?

[00:06:54] Or is this person going to be like, you know, don't think about mom. We're just gonna pretend that doesn't happen. [00:07:00] Um, you know, because putting pressure on the feeling like that. So if your child has a feeling they miss you, that's a perfectly logical, normal. Human experience to have, right, to miss somebody when you're apart from them.

[00:07:13] And if the person that your child is staying with can't validate that, what's gonna happen is that there's gonna be kind of a pressure put on that emotion, right? That feeling, and that's going to um, Cause some unwanted behaviors. Now, immediately it might not [00:07:30] cause anything super big and super difficult, but it could, it could cause some spiraling.

[00:07:35] Um, and it could be really unpleasant for everyone, which is maybe what you're imagining in your head. So if you are imagining your child having full meltdowns, that may or may not happen. And if it does happen, what you need to have there for your pers for your child is just a person who. Has the capacity to support that, right?

[00:07:53] To say, yeah, these are big feelings that are coming up. It makes sense, kiddo. Right? And just be with that because, [00:08:00] and this is really important, this is a really, really important piece I want you to take away. Breastfeeding for comfort is a trait of your attachment relationship with your child. So the fact that your child is typically soothed through breastfeeding doesn't mean that they always need to be soothed through breastfeeding.

[00:08:18] Okay? So every attachment that any human forms is unique. That means that the relationship that they have with you, Is going to be [00:08:30] different than the relationship that they have with your partner. It's going to be different than the relationship that they ha that they have with their friends, with their, um, you know, daycare and teacher with their grandparents.

[00:08:41] All of these are unique attachment relationships that are going to have. Different qualities and they're gonna be expressed in different ways. So breastfeeding for comfort is actually a trait of your relationship with your child. It's not the fact that your child breastfeeds, her comfort isn't a trait of your child.[00:09:00] 

[00:09:01] That means that breastfeeding for comfort is a way that you comfort them, but grandma might comfort them a different way. Grandma might comfort them with a lullaby, right? Grandpa might comfort them with, uh, you know, something silly and just being playful, right? Each of these are valid, wonderful ways of comforting and supporting your child.

[00:09:25] And, um, it doesn't, there, there's not one that's better than the other, right? [00:09:30] And it doesn't mean that, um, your parent or you know, whomever, your partner, whoever is watching your child needs to recreate the breastfeeding relationship in their relationship. They get to have their own unique. Attachment their own unique relationship.

[00:09:46] And that's what you want for them, right? It the more unique attachments that a child has, the stronger their resilience over time, the more healthy emotionally they are, um, as they grow and mature. Which is a great thing. And you want your [00:10:00] kids to have, I mean, at least I do. I imagine that you do to have unique, beautiful relationships with each person that they have in their life.

[00:10:06] Right? That they have a special bond with those people, that they, it's not just you, right? That, but they have a special bond with all of these individuals and. Feeling the emotions, having some tears going through, whatever feelings that might come up, um, actually supports them in creating that bond with a caregiver.

[00:10:24] When the caregiver's able to support them through it, it strengthens that bond. Which is a beautiful thing, right? [00:10:30] So I'm gonna get into what happens, like if it goes over, if it's too much, we ha we can meet Conting contingency for that. But I just want you to understand that you get to control who your child stays with, right?

[00:10:42] You get to pick if, if you don't trust that person, they don't have to stay with them. That is completely within your control, right? Um, and own that. Cuz sometimes that can feel scary. It's like, well, the only person they could stay with is so-and-so, and I don't want them to stay in with so-and-so. And that's valid.

[00:10:57] Um, so you get to make that choice [00:11:00] and you don't have to fear that because, you know, um, auntie Sue isn't able to breastfeed your child that you know, your child will not be able to be comforted. They absolutely will be. In fact, they'll be able to fall asleep in new ways and they will come back to you.

[00:11:17] They, they've only acquired a new skill. It hasn't competed with your bond, right? Like it's only, it's a new bond. It's not competing with your bond. Um, and that's a great thing. So part of that that I just wanna [00:11:30] mention here is the bedtime routine and structure. You know, it's kind of a joke, right? That like kids need to have these very, very specific routines and you need to sing the song exactly this many times and read exactly these books in this order and do the tickles this way and all of the things.

[00:11:45] Um, and that you need to like, share that with the care, the, the new caregiver. And they need to exactly replicate that. Again, if we go back to this idea that your child is in a unique attachment relationship with each attachment figure in their lives, you can see that that [00:12:00] bedtime routine, um, as much as there are considerations about like sleep hygiene, for example, you know, maybe not having screens right before the head or, um, these kind of simple routines that kind of.

[00:12:12] Support the brain and body of signaling, oh, this is, this is sleep time. That's great. But the, the complicated routines where it takes all the things in order to comfort them and support them, that's likely it, it's probably a part of your relationship with them. It doesn't necessarily, doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be part of this other [00:12:30] attachment figures relationship with them, so you don't have to stress about having the person recreate it.

[00:12:35] Exactly. Right. And just to say like, I remember early on in our parenting with my husband, like I'd go away and I'd be trying to be like, just do it exactly like this. Do this thing just like this. Right. But I was, it, it never worked for him. And I was kind of taking away his ability to navigate his relationship with his own child.

[00:12:55] Right. So once I kind of was like, all right, you do your thing. He found his [00:13:00] things, man, it's not the way I did it, but that's okay. It's beautiful. He's. He has full confidence in his parenting and I have full confidence in his parenting. And, um, he has beautiful bonds with his kids. Right? So, um, I get it. I do understand that.

[00:13:14] And it's okay to let your child have a relationship with another caregiver, right. Okay, so consideration number one was your why. Number two was nutritional needs. Number three was who your child will be staying with consideration. Number four is about you. Where will you be? [00:13:30] So if you're going away because there's an event going on, um, you know, whatever, and you're, you're happy with that and there's not really a lot of anxiety around it, that's great.

[00:13:38] You do you. And if you're trying to have a night away because you are exhausted, because you're burnt out because you never get to sleep, um, all of those things. I just want to, um, offer the consideration that it's, it's possible that those things will still be there even when you're apart from your child.

[00:13:58] So just because you're away from your child doesn't [00:14:00] necessarily mean that you are gonna sleep through the night, right? Breastfeeding isn't the problem. We talk about this, I talk about this a ton, right? So weaning isn't the solution. It's the same thing here. It's not necessarily your child. That's the thing that's stopping you from sleeping.

[00:14:14] There's likely, um, cycles at play. There can be your own. Hormonal things, um, all of those pieces could be at play and unfortunately it does. Like you might have the night away and you might still not sleep very well that night. So keep [00:14:30] that in mind and think about ways that you can support yourself if you are burnt out, if you are struggling, if you're taking this night away to to have some space to take care of your needs, then.

[00:14:44] You'll want to add in things to support that. So you might want to book a massage before bed. You might need to take some time to, um, you know, connect with some friends to like, be mindful of those pieces. Do you wanna watch a [00:15:00] funny movie? Um, Think about that. What supports do you need? Because simply being away from your child doesn't necessarily mean that you're gonna get the rest that you're really looking for.

[00:15:12] In fact, if you don't have something set in place, it's really possible that you get into that hotel room or you take that time away and you're just kind of riddled with anxiety and stress. Um, so be mindful of that and add in the supports that you need to really get what you want to out of this night away.

[00:15:29] And. [00:15:30] As well. If you are breastfeeding a younger toddler who generally does breastfeed overnight, you may need to hand express or pump simply for comfort. If you go back to my episode on, um, milk supply, you'll know that. In the toddler days. In the toddler years, a night away from your child is not going to tank your milk supply.

[00:15:56] In fact, you can go away for quite a while, [00:16:00] multiple days a week even, and you will, it's possibly supply has dipped, but it's not going to be gone, and you can absolutely recover from that. So it's. It's not, um, you don't need to fear the milk supply issue. Now, if you're breastfeeding just an older baby and you're like at eight or nine months and you're listening to this podcast episode, I would support you to plan in a few times to pump while you're away from your baby so that because you're, you're likely producing more milk and, [00:16:30] um, You know, your milk supply is more important at that point because your child is relying on it as its primary, like primary source of nutrition.

[00:16:40] So you might want to just in ensure that there is no dip by pumping, um, a number of times. So if you're away from your child, let's say, you know, from 4:00 PM until. Noon the next day. You might wanna pump in the evening, pump once, overnight, pump in the morning, and then like if you see your child, then you could [00:17:00] probably just breastfeed, but you might need to pump again, um, in the like later morning or early afternoon.

[00:17:05] Um, so that's just an, an example, an idea of what you might need to do if you do not have a pump. If you've never pumped before, you can absolutely hand express. You do not need to save the milk if you don't want to. You can hand express into a toilet in a bathroom if that's what's going to help. Like, just kind of get the, um, any discomfort out of the way cuz obviously you don't want c clogged ducts for mastitis or anything happening.

[00:17:28] So, You know, it's not critical to [00:17:30] pump, and if you're breastfeeding an older toddler, you likely don't, won't even think about it. If you're gone for 24 hours, if you're gone for more than that, then it might, you might start to feel uncomfortable and need to do some pumping. Um, but yeah, it shouldn't be, um, a major concern at this point.

[00:17:46] So just make sure you're taking care of yourself, mama. Giving yourself what you need. You likely don't need a night away. That's like a negative, right? Like, it's not like you just need to be away from your child. You need things. So [00:18:00] give yourself those things that you need. Stop and think about that, right?

[00:18:03] Sometimes what can happen is when we've been anxious and when we're in this burnt out space, we've lost sight of what we actually need. So think about that, um, and give yourself those things, and it's okay if it feels a little silly at first. So the consideration number five is a contingency plan. So think about, um, At what point, like where you will be if you're gonna be somewhat close to your child.

[00:18:28] Now, if you are [00:18:30] in that burnt out zone and you are doing this to give yourself some nurturing, I would recommend staying relatively close to where your child is, maybe 15, 20 minutes away so that you can come if you need to. Right? Um, You get to decide at what point you would need to come. So make this like clear with the caregiver that you are leaving your [00:19:00] child with.

[00:19:00] If they are screaming like nonstop for this amount of time, please call me. Okay? And now this is so individual, right? In reality with a loving caregiver, you. You don't need to come back, right? Like it's not critical. Your child's not going to be harmed if you're not coming back. And also you get to decide.

[00:19:25] So you get to decide if you know you don't want your child to be crying [00:19:30] for a certain amount of time, if it's 15 minutes of like hysterics, give me a call. I'll be here. We'll do a quick breastfeed and we'll either try this again another time, or they'll settle down and I'm gonna go back to my night.

[00:19:42] That might be what, what's right for you. Um, so just come up with that point in your mind and communicate that to your caregiver. Now, again, if there's any pushback from this caregiver, like if there, if there's any pushback, be aware of that. Of course, you do not need to leave your child, right? That's [00:20:00] not, it's not a need either.

[00:20:01] So consider that. Consider. How, how you want this to look and at what point you would like to be called to come back to offer your child some breast milk or just some more support. Okay, so, and then my very last consideration, and this is again, um, this is like optional. If you're in that burnt out phase.

[00:20:23] Now, if you're just spending a night away cuz you're going to a wedding or an event, or you know you've got a little vacation planned with your [00:20:30] partner, um, and you just kind of wanted to listen to this episode to hit some of the practical pieces, then this doesn't really apply to you. But if you are in the zone of like, I feel like I need a night away.

[00:20:42] Then this does apply to you because. Needing a full night of away from your child and feeling like, like it's a, you're at a breaking point. That's not okay. Love some. Something has brought you to this point, right? And if you just spend one night away, then you come right back to it, [00:21:00] then you're gonna, it's just gonna build and build and build, and you're gonna get to this point again, and you're gonna need this again.

[00:21:05] So after your night away, After you're feeling a little more regulated and supported and you feel a little refreshed, take some time to sit down and think about what changes and supports you can integrate kind of preemptively into your, um, daily routine, weekly routine, you know, into your lifestyle that can support you so you don't feel so desperate [00:21:30] In the future, if you want some help with this, I cover, um, I cover this, not like, um, this particularly in like mapping this out, but I cover some of the things that, some of the mistakes that maybe you're making that are leading to this point in.

[00:21:42] In fact, I cover three of them in my instant access workshop, which you can get at own your parenting story.com/workshop. So that is a workshop for tandem feeding, toddler weening, extended breastfeeding mamas who are feeling like a human fidget toy. Right? Uh, and you're feeling like [00:22:00] you don't wanna hurt that bond, right?

[00:22:01] So this is my workshop where I. Lay out the, the roadmap to be able to Wean or continue breastfeeding or tandem feed without all of that burnout. Um, so I would encourage you to give that a listen if you were in that position. So I've been recapping all along, but I just wanna go over this one more time.

[00:22:21] It is okay to not wanna spend time away from your child. No, that is completely valid, and you do not have to, [00:22:30] it is also completely valid to simply want to, and that is okay as well. You, you absolutely can spend a night away from your child without causing harm, without causing any harm of any kind. In fact, it might be very good for both of you.

[00:22:44] Um, and so just if you plan on spending a night away, just take into consideration those five things. Why do you want a night away your child's nutritional needs? So just. Communicate that with the caregiver, right? They might need something overnight. [00:23:00] What are some things that you have in the house? Um, it could be something that you even prepare your child with ahead of time.

[00:23:05] Maybe they can help you pack a little snap cup that they're gonna keep, uh, consideration. Number three is who your child will be staying with, right? Do you trust this person? Are they gonna be able to support your child through whatever emotions are there? And just reminding yourself that. They are going to form a beautiful attachment relationship with this other caregiver, and that's a great thing.

[00:23:24] It doesn't compete with yours. It doesn't have to look like your relationship with them. [00:23:30] Um, all of that is beautiful and wonderful consideration. Number four is where you are going to be. What needs do you have that you need to take care of? And just with that little caveat of a practical need of, you may need to bring a pump.

[00:23:42] Um, you also don't have to bring a pump, right hand expression's. All right, too. And then number five, the last one of the, the kind of core considerations is just that contingency plan. At what point does the care provider need to give you a call? And this is gonna be different for everyone, right? If you are away [00:24:00] at a hotel and you feel amazing about it and you're like, don't call me unless you're gonna call an ambulance.

[00:24:04] That is okay. It's also okay if you're like, Five minutes of hysterical crying and I want a phone call, that is completely fine too. You get to decide at like at what point that that needs to happen. And then lastly, option optionally if you're at that burnt out phase. Once you're feeling a little more refreshed, pull back and see what changes you can make in your lifestyle so that you don't get to this burnt out [00:24:30] phase again in the future.

[00:24:32] Okay, I just wanna leave you with that. I hope that that was supportive for you. It's a question I get all the time. Um, and like I said, if you are feeling that kind of burnt out ish kind of phase, then you definitely need to tune into the free workshop that I have right now. Um, the link will be in the show notes.

[00:24:52] And, uh, if you loved this episode, I would absolutely love for you to give me a rating or a review on whatever [00:25:00] podcast player you're watching on. Make sure that you hit the little follow button or the little plus button so that you get notifications. Oh, and I think you can actually turn notifications on separately too, so there's like a follow button, and then it might be a little bell.

[00:25:11] And that means that every time I upload an episode, you're going to get notified and your phone will let you know that there's a new episode that you can come and listen to. And of course, shoot me a DM over on Instagram. I love hearing from all of you. All right, hope you have a great week.