19: Part 2: Preparing for the night away & having realistic expectations

You've decided you want to have a night away from your breastfeeding toddler - now how do you actually make it happen?!

Expanding on the conversation from last week's episode, I dig a bit deeper in both how to prepare your child for the night away from you AND the importance of having realistic expectations about your night away.

Be sure to shoot me a DM on Instagram and keep the conversation going!

Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at  www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Love this episode?!  Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello. Last week I shared with you the five things that you need to consider before you plan a night away from your breastfeeding toddler. Um, and it was more about that, like when you're considering it, is this something we're gonna do? What, what could this look like? Is this right for us? Isn't this like, you know, that kind of planning phase?

[00:00:23] And so this week I want to move into. You've made the decision to spend the night away. Now, [00:00:30] how can you prepare for it in a more practical sense and prepare your child for it? Because I know that this is a question I got a ton, um, on, in, on Instagram in my dms about that night away. Uh, so I'm, we're gonna get more practical in that sense.

[00:00:45] And also I just had my own night away. Um, that's why this podcast is a little bit late. I was gone over the weekend with my husband for a night and. Um, I left my two kids with my parents, so my [00:01:00] son will be four in September and he is still breastfeeding. Regularly. Um, we haven't done any particular weaning of any kind or any very strict, uh, regiment around breastfeeding.

[00:01:13] So it breastfeeds frequently. My daughter is, uh, just turned six and she is actually now, I guess I can say officially weaned. Uh, this wasn't something that I. Like planned or that we set out together. [00:01:30] It really kind of organically unfolded where she just asked to breastfeed less and less, and if I offered, then she wanted to breastfeed for just a few seconds at a time.

[00:01:40] Really, it was seconds, and then eventually it just, she. Didn't really, wasn't really interested in it anymore. Um, and that's just really wild to me. So I'm still kinda processing that. I think you'll do an episode on some of my reflections around that, uh, soon. But I, I almost was gonna do it this week, but I decided I, I wanna process that a little bit more and I wanna have, um, [00:02:00] some really great insights to share with you from that.

[00:02:02] So I wanna make sure that I really have wrapped my head around all of those pieces of it so that I can share that with you. Uh, really coherently. But all that to say, my daughter is no longer breastfeeding, so I can say I'm no longer a tandem feeding mom in the present. I have been, but not right now. Uh, so the only breastfeeding child I left was my son.

[00:02:23] And I feel like from this, it's not the first time that I've left them for a night, but I feel like from this perspective and [00:02:30] just having gone through it, what I can share from that is just some really realistic expectations around what a night away actually looks like from your toddler, what you can expect.

[00:02:41] Um, a lot of times I feel like we have this either idea that it has to be perfect. I e our child has. Doesn't even realize we're gone and is just having the time of their lives and has a great time and sleeps through the night and everything's perfectly rosy. That that has to be how it happens. And if it's not like that, then it's going to just be an absolute disaster of, you know, [00:03:00] epic meltdowns and all the things.

[00:03:02] And I just wanna say that it's not likely to be either of those. Um, so I wanna share my experiences and experiences that I have, uh, supported moms through. So that you can kind of have this realistic expectation of what that actually looks like, uh, which I feel like can settle a lot of the kind of fears perhaps in your heart or in your mind around the situation.

[00:03:24] And also not leave you feeling like shocked if it's not like this perfect rosy picture [00:03:30] that you, um, imagined it would be if you kind of did all the things right. You know, so, That's what we're gonna be talking about today. Let's just start with the things that you can do to prepare your child for your night away.

[00:03:42] You've made the decision now, what can you do? The very first thing I'm gonna say is that you need to be ready for it yourself. Your child will attune to your state, so if you're feeling really anxious and unsure about it, [00:04:00] it's likely that that's going to translate into your child feeling anxious and unsure.

[00:04:05] So just like in the previous episode when I've talked about things to consider and I talked about your why for wanting that night away, I would encourage you to take some time, take a pause, take a beat, and just explore that anxiety for a moment and whatever might be there and see if it's founded. Is there a real genuine concern?

[00:04:27] Do you really feel unsettled about spending this night [00:04:30] away? And if so, Don't do it unless it's in a, unless it's a situation where you truly have no choice, which I would say is incredibly rare, truthfully. Um, Even in a medical situation, like you still have choices and options, right? Unless you're in like a medically induced coma or something where you are truly like, you do not have a choice, you always do have a choice.

[00:04:56] So make sure that you feel settled and [00:05:00] secure about that choice. Now, if you are. Going away for work or if there's some something else going on where you're like, I really want to need to go do this thing, but I don't wanna leave my child. Explore creative options. Um, you know, maybe your child can come with you when you have a babysitter that's that's there for when you're doing things.

[00:05:20] Maybe this is something that you can go for only part of the time and not the whole time, like, Explore those things, look at those things and find the option that you do feel settled about. Now [00:05:30] it's a, it's normal to have some anxieties and some fears and some worries about things. And I'm not saying you need to feel 1000%, um, like, you know, happy about this choice.

[00:05:42] Um, but I'm saying that if you truly feel unsettled about it, listen to that voice, uh, it, you're, you're wise, okay? Your body is wise, your intuition is wise. Give that some space to breathe. Focus on that a little bit and see what's underneath it and if you can [00:06:00] make any adaptations to, uh, to feel good about, you know, this upcoming event, cuz that truly is part of preparing your child, okay?

[00:06:10] Your child is attuning to you, so taking care of yourself is taking care of them. So listen to your body. Listen to your heart, and follow it. So the next thing that I would encourage you to do to prepare your child is to support your child to feel safe with the caregiver that they are staying with [00:06:30] now.

[00:06:31] When I use the word feel safe, I know that can, uh, perhaps even be a little triggering or confusing. Like what do you mean safe? Like they're not gonna, you know, it's not dangerous for them to be with them, but I mean, to feel completely at ease with them. If your child, if this is somebody that they haven't spent a lot of time around or haven't spent a lot of time around lately, then plan some time for them to be together before your night away.

[00:06:55] Okay. Ease into it a little bit. This is also true, [00:07:00] even if it's the child's other parent. So, for example, in our home, my husband, um, has seasons of the year where he is around so much. He, uh, is home just a ton, and in fact he's basically the primary caregiver while I'm out doing other things. And then there's other seasons where my husband is working from the time, like before the kids get up in the morning and often until bedtime or even after.

[00:07:25] So there might be a week where the kids barely see. Um, their [00:07:30] dad, and if that's the case and I was to plan a night away at the end of one of those weeks where they've barely seen him, it would be emotionally difficult for my kids. It doesn't mean that, um, it needs to be that way. It just means that we would be working towards creating some more connection before I leave.

[00:07:53] So that might mean showing up at Daddy's work for lunch with a picnic so that they can ha just have some time to connect and [00:08:00] feel, um, feel that connection, embrace that connection before, uh, I leave right before they're with him a hundred percent of the time. Right. No, that's not always an option, but if you're looking to prepare your child, To really give them the best, set them up for success for this night away, I would really recommend doing that.

[00:08:21] So if it's grandparents, if it's a babysitter, um, just integrate them into your life for a while before you have that night away, even if it's just a couple [00:08:30] days beforehand. Uh, now if you're fortunate enough that this caregiver is just. Part of your life all the time. Uh, that, that's great. So in this example with my, my parents watching my kids this previous time that I went away just this past weekend, um, you know, they're around my parents a lot.

[00:08:49] This is this common for grandma and grandpa to be, um, watching them. They have really great relationships with them, so it really wasn't something that I needed to [00:09:00] have any intentional effort before I left. However, I do fully believe that it is something that you might need to do in fact, There have been times, um, even I would think of my daughter spending the night with my parents when my son was born.

[00:09:17] So she wasn't, she was two and a half. And that was something where even though, you know, she'd been around grandma and grandpa many times, it was something where we were intentional with the weeks leading up to it to, [00:09:30] uh, have more connection time with grandma and grandpa so that she felt really at ease the night that she stayed there with them.

[00:09:39] Um, so that's another way. So pair yourself, create, facilitate, kind of encourage that connection with the caregiver that you're leaving them with. And then lastly, talk about the separation with your child. Talk about the fact that you're gonna be spending this time away, but do so without projecting your fear onto them.[00:10:00] 

[00:10:00] So don't. Like, don't overdo it if you're feeling unsettled. And so you just really need to make sure that your child's okay. So you're talking about it all the time. Again, that's something where your child's gonna attune to what you are projecting and your feelings and all the stuff that's going on inside of you.

[00:10:17] So if you're feeling that, like unsettledness, it's okay to have some conversations with your child, but don't look to your child to reassure you. Okay, so don't, if you're trying to have [00:10:30] these conversations so that you can gauge where your child's at so that you feel better, um, that can backfire. So be mindful of that and take care of your needs, right?

[00:10:40] Like you can reassure yourself, you can take care of you, you do, you do what you need to do for you, and don't put that on your child. That like, whether or not they're okay is going to be whether or not you are. Okay. I hope that that's clear. I'm not sure if I'm totally clear on that, but shoot me a DM on Instagram if, if you're struggling with that.

[00:10:57] And when I'm talking about all this attunement as well, this [00:11:00] is something that I really go into in my course, own your breastfeeding story. So, uh, and it's also something that I share a fair bit about in the, um, on-demand workshop that I have that you can grab at own your parenting story.com/uh, workshop.

[00:11:15] And again, in that I talk about the course too, so you can kind of get a glimpse of how I support. Moms through my group coaching program, program, my course on your breastfeeding story. Um, so that is absolutely part of it. So some of the ways that you can talk to your child about [00:11:30] separation is to have a, like watch a TV show where, you know, a child spends the night away from their parents.

[00:11:36] Daniel Tiger has some great ones about staying with babysitters. Um, those can be awesome. There's also books like The Kissing Hand and the Invisible String. The Kissing Hand is more focused on. School, going to school. So if you're reading that one, you may choose to kind of read it ahead of time and see if there's ways that you can kind of tweak the story, particularly if your child's not reading yet, [00:12:00] which for most of you, this, your child will not be reading yet.

[00:12:02] You can, um, kind of maneuver the story the way that you want to and, uh, kind of add in elements that are more true to what your child will be experiencing, and that can really help. Them to have the language and understand like the bigger picture, this kind of connection, how there's like these steps of like mummy's gonna go, I'm gonna be able to use this kissing hand tool that is taught in the book, uh, to feel close to Mummy and then Mummy's gonna come back.

[00:12:29] Right? So you can [00:12:30] kind of go through that story with them and support them to understand it. Cause it can feel really scary. And I see this more and more with my own kids, especially as they get older and are able to communicate more just how much. Um, their ability to understand what's going to happen in the future affects them right now.

[00:12:49] So, for example, my daughter had a jar of peanut butter fall on her foot months ago, and her toenail kind of like turned black, and then just a few weeks [00:13:00] ago, her toenail fell off and she was so upset. But what happened was she didn't know that her toenail could fall off, first of all, and what, when? It was difficult to tease it out in the moment cuz of how upset she was.

[00:13:12] But what we figured out was that she was really upset. She thought that toenail was gonna be gone forever. And once we were able to reassure her and explain to her, oh, that toenail's gonna grow back kiddo, she felt. Good. She like, she was able to settle and all like it made sense. She was really afraid of this unknown, right?

[00:13:29] [00:13:30] So if you just kind of drop your child off at your parents' house or with the babysitter and you're not fully like, Going into the story of what's gonna happen next. They don't know what to expect, right? And so it can feel really scary. Mommy's not gonna come back, even though to you and I that seems like a ridiculous fear.

[00:13:50] Of course, I'm gonna come back and get you. That's not something that they know. They don't truly know that like inside of themselves. So, Explaining that to them ahead of time, [00:14:00] and then giving them tools to kind of bridge that gap of separation. So like there's the separation that that's occurred. They know that you're gonna come back, but they might need that reassurance and remembering that while you're apart, then they can use some of these tools, like the invisible string.

[00:14:15] So you can practice tying a string around your heart, right? Like together before. And they can give the heart the string a tug, the invisible string, a tug so that you feel it on your heart, right? And you can tug it back and they can feel it in there. Her heart or the kissing hand that allows them to remember [00:14:30] mommy's love, right?

[00:14:31] Um, or like I've, I mentioned Daniel Tiger, but there's a little Daniel Tiger song, you know, that says Grownups come back. That can be a great one to remember too. These little simple rhymes, simple tools that. The caregiver can support the child. So if, if they're missing mummy, that the caregiver can say, oh, let's tug on your invisible string, or use your kissing hand, or Let's sing the grownups comeback song.

[00:14:53] And also depending on how old your child is, that's something that they can reach for themselves and feel empowered, um, [00:15:00] to kind of sense your closeness even when you're apart. Uh, you know, you might want to print out a small picture of yourself, something that the child can hold onto. Those are all, and, and whatever creative solutions that come up for you, feels right for you, use it.

[00:15:15] That's great. That is a way that you can prepare your child for the separation. I. Um, yeah, so those are just three ways that you can kind of prepare your child, be ready yourself, support your child to feel connected to the caregiver, like ahead of time, and talk to your child [00:15:30] about the separation, and give them some tools to kind of bridge that gap to, you know, feel close to you even when you're apart.

[00:15:36] And make, make sure they, you're doing it without projecting your fears onto your child. Right. Okay. So let's talk about having some realistic expectations of what. Your night away might look like. So I will share with you a few kind of anecdotes from my own life, uh, of spending time away from my kids and just to let you know what, [00:16:00] what to expect.

[00:16:00] Like it might look like mine, it might look completely different. Um, and before I get into these, I want to just, Like reiterate that I shared in the last podcast episode, but just the importance of having just really clear communication with the caregiver over what your expectations are and having that contingency plan of, this is the point when I need to be called.

[00:16:23] Okay. So that will help your caregiver to not be calling you for small things that are only gonna like just worry [00:16:30] you and take your mind out of whatever you're doing or. The relaxing night you want it to have. Um, and it will also just give you the reassurance that if it gets to a bad point, if you're not hearing from them, then that means it hasn't reached this point, right?

[00:16:43] So, again, that could be my child is crying hysterically for 15 minutes, I wanna be called. That could be, you know, my child has woken up in the middle of the night and they've been awake for two hours without falling back asleep. Um, it could be any number of things. Whatever feels right for you. Take a moment and think about that and just make [00:17:00] it very clear.

[00:17:01] Say the words this blank is when you need to call me. And just make sure that that is very, very clear with the caregiver. It's going to just create a lot of, um, peace for you and for them, a lot of clarity. Uh, and, and you'll feel good knowing like, if I haven't had that phone call, then it hasn't reached that point yet.

[00:17:22] So yeah, it can be really helpful. So when we're talking about realistic expectations, your child. It's likely gonna wake up during the night. [00:17:30] They're likely gonna miss you. That's so, so normal. They may have some tears again. So, so normal. It doesn't mean that you've caused harm, it doesn't mean that they weren't ready.

[00:17:43] Um, it doesn't mean that you need to come home unless you want to. Of course. Uh, and there could be signs that they're not ready if they're like hysterical for a long period of time or whatever. Whatever that line is for you absolutely could mean that they're not ready. And coming home might be a really great option for you.[00:18:00] 

[00:18:00] Um, but. It's just regardless of like, even if they're not at that level, it's normal for them to miss you, right? It's normal for them to have some tears. Tears are a release of stress and the person that you're crying with when you're crying, you're actually releasing bonding hormones that are going to cause.

[00:18:20] A deeper connection. So for your child, having some tears with that caregiver, a caregiver who feels comfortable with them having tears and can say, yeah, you really miss your mama, [00:18:30] that is going to actually bond them with that caregiver. Um, and again, as I shared in the last episode, that bond doesn't compete with yours.

[00:18:37] That is okay. It's beautiful. It's a good thing. It fosters resilience, um, and actually gives them. Uh, better. It's correlated with better, like long-term outcomes for their emotional and social wellbeing in the long-term. So it's great to be bonded with more than one caregiver. So the tears, that's okay. Um, just in this, like [00:19:00] for this last weekend when I went away, you know, I reached out to my mom in the morning, Hey, how were the kids?

[00:19:06] And, uh, my mom said that my son had woken up around 4:00 AM kind of, he didn't really fully wake up. Um, and he kind of cried on and off for about an hour, kind of in his sleep. He wasn't like fully awake. And then he just kind of settled back in and fell back asleep. And then he slept in, in the morning and, I was like, wow, like that.

[00:19:25] To me, that was a good night that that wasn't something that stressed me out. I knew that my parents [00:19:30] were more than able to support my son with whatever he needed, and that is something that. Sometimes happens on a regular night here where my son might kind of be, you know, unsettled for an hour or so during the night that happens.

[00:19:44] That's totally okay. Um, and I also know that at another point in my parenting I might have gotten that text and been like, oh no, I did something really terrible and my son was really upset and he didn't have me, but he had my parents who he feels connected and close to [00:20:00] and it was okay. Um, Another time where, so this was, my daughter wasn't even two yet.

[00:20:06] She would've been like 20 months maybe. My husband and I took a night away and during that time she just was up for the day at like 5:00 AM and my parents watched her and they just rolled with it. They just had some early breakfast. They all took a nap later on together in the afternoon. Um, it was just, you know, normal and just like, it's okay.

[00:20:29] It's [00:20:30] okay if that happens. These are. Realistic expectations to have that it's likely that they're gonna wake up during the night. They might not. That's okay too. They're likely gonna miss you. They might have some tears, they might have a shorter night than usual. And, um, that's all okay if you're okay with it.

[00:20:47] Right. So I'll even think back to you. Last summer, I spent a night away with some girlfriends at a cottage while my husband was home with the kids. And, um, you know what they did was they had a [00:21:00] little. Party in the bedroom. They had a TV show, they watched a movie before bed. They did some popcorn, you know, or I don't know, popcorn or chips or something in bed.

[00:21:08] And they, um, you know, had, they stayed up late and then they fell asleep, just kind of eventually on Dad, um, in the bed cuddled up and they slept through the night just fine. So it was a late night and sure daddy didn't do the typical bedtime routine. Um, but that's all. Okay. They fell asleep and it was, it was great.

[00:21:29] [00:21:30] So it's just really important that you understand that these things might happen. Right. And also that you don't have to anticipate every need. I didn't have to plan. The, you know, the bedtime party that my husband had, I didn't have to say to my parents, okay, if she wakes up at 5:00 AM um, do this and this and that, right?

[00:21:50] I trusted the caregivers that my kids were with to navigate whatever challenges would come up. And of course, I had that clear line of, [00:22:00] if this happens, then please call me. Right? Um, so. That can help you to feel a little bit more relaxed and at ease. Cuz a lot of times we can feel like we need to kind of manage those pieces and in, in a words like, at the end of the day, we're not trusting ourselves, we're not trusting the caregiver and we're not trusting our child.

[00:22:23] And that's a lot of pressure on us as moms to carry all of that mental load of navigating and managing [00:22:30] everyone's experiences all around us and making sure that everyone feels okay. So, Give yourself that gift right now. Again, if you truly do not trust the caregiver, do not leave your child with them. I am assuming that these are caregivers that you genuinely do trust, um, your child with.

[00:22:48] So give yourself that gift of letting that go, right? Have that line of this is when you need to call me and allow the caregivers to navigate those situations. [00:23:00] Um, that might come up. Right? And again, that could mean a snack in the middle of the night. It could mean supporting through some tears. It could mean a party in the evening, it could mean an early morning whatever, whatever that looks like.

[00:23:12] Okay. So just to recap, it's the best way that you can prepare your child for that night away that you've chosen to have is to make sure that you are truly ready, right. Um, to support them, to feel connected and close with their caregiver before you leave and to. [00:23:30] Um, like share with them about the separation.

[00:23:33] Talk about what's gonna happen, talk about how that's gonna look. You know that you're gonna leave, you're gonna take 'em to grandma's house, they're gonna, you know, have the night there. They're gonna do bath time and teeth brushing with grandma, and then they're gonna have sleep with grandma and they're gonna wake up in the morning and have breakfast, and then they're gonna go to the park and then you're gonna come pick them up.

[00:23:52] Right? You can give them that like, Very step by step how things are gonna go. You can even draw those down on paper actually, like little pictures of what [00:24:00] all those steps are. Um, and then they can take that with them to know what's going to happen next. That can be really supportive for them, depending on the age, but certainly as young as 18 months, two, that can still be very supportive to have those kind of like quick little images of reminders of what's gonna happen next if that's something that works for your child.

[00:24:20] If you're like, my kid would never care about that, that's totally fine too. Okay, so that is, um, how to prepare your child. And then those realistic expectations is just, you know, [00:24:30] things are not gonna be perfect, right? It's not going to be, um, Just this lovely night away where nothing goes wrong and everyone sleeps beautifully.

[00:24:42] That's okay. Okay. Say two, to have some realistic expectations about yourself too. Um, when we went away, when my daughter was about 20 months, uh, like. I was like, oh, this is gonna be so nice to have us night away. I'm gonna feel so relaxed. I was exhausted the entire time. I have a [00:25:00] photo of me at Hill Back Steakhouse, I think we went to for dinner and we were in Hara Falls.

[00:25:05] We went for a night and I like, my eyes were so bloodshot. I was so tired, and I just was exhausted. Like we were, had originally had plans to go out and listen to some live music and do some things, but like that didn't happen. I was so tired. And uh, and then of course just this past weekend we had had this night away planned for months and I was still sick.

[00:25:28] I was still getting [00:25:30] over this awful sickness that I've had for the past few weeks. So I was tired. Um, you know, I wasn't able to enjoy it. The same way that I thought I would. And it was difficult, like before I left, uh, we were in the car, or not before I left, but when we were on our way driving there, you know, I said to my husband like, this sucks.

[00:25:49] I hate, like this was not how I wanted this to go. It's not what this was supposed to look like. It sucks. And I had my little pity party for a moment, but it felt really good to just say [00:26:00] that out loud. And my husband was just very validating. He's like, yeah, it does suck. Like I hear you. And, and then I'm like, and I also wanna enjoy this.

[00:26:07] You know, I'm not, I don't wanna cancel it. I wanna be here. I wanna enjoy this for whatever we can and just be present with what is here. It's not this fantasy in my mind, and that's okay. Right. Um, so. Have realistic expectations around your child. Have realistic expectations for yourself, and don't try to anticipate every single need they might have.

[00:26:26] When you are away. Trust the caregiver that [00:26:30] you've left them with. Give yourself that gift of taking that off of your mental load pile, right? Um, and of course, as I shared in the previous episode, Again today. Be clear on that contingency plan of this is when you need to call me again. That's kind of a gift for you of, um, knowing that you can relax, right?

[00:26:48] Knowing that they will call you when you hit that line, and that is the line that's important to you, and only you can really decide what that line is. All right. It has been a [00:27:00] wonderful, um, half hour with all of you, and I just wanna remind you that that workshop is still available for instant access. Um, if you haven't had a chance to go there yet, it's on your parenting story.com/workshop.

[00:27:14] And you can also grab my, um, free guide. To, uh, saying no to a feed while still saying yes to the need, which can really help with this communication piece, um, that you might be navigating as you're trying to talk to your child around. Uh, [00:27:30] what to expect and setting up all of that kind of like language and communication with them.

[00:27:34] Cuz it really is, it's this making changes guide, but it's a communication guide for communicating to your toddlers. So, um, grab that. There's a cheat sheet. Uh, and I talk, I talk a lot about consistency. I talk about, um, kind of sorting out things in your own heart and mind about what's important to you, and then being able to communicate that really clearly to your child.

[00:27:56] Uh, through various different means of communication. So, [00:28:00] uh, there's a lot in there. And I also have like a condensable cheat sheet for you to grab so you can get that at own your parenting story.com/guide. All right, I'll see you next week.