24: Limits & Boundaries: Empowering Strategies for Breastfeeding Toddlers

Does the word 'boundaries' make you flinch? Are you riddled with guilt about setting limits when it comes to breastfeeding your toddler? Release that guilt and hold your head high as this episode tackles the often-contentious subject of breastfeeding boundaries head-on. 

In this episode you'll get: 

• A fresh take on boundaries and a (probably) new-to-you definition.
• Insight into how to create structure & predictability with your breastfeeding toddler.
• A step-by-step guide to boundary setting in breastfeeding .

Resources mentioned:
Instant access workshop: www.ownyourparentingstory.com/workshop
Toddler Communcation Guide: www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at  www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Love this episode?!  Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting Boundaries With Breastfeeding
• 13:45 Understanding Boundaries in Breastfeeding
• 19:21 Personal Boundaries and Meeting Children's Needs

Transcript

jenna: 0:28

Let's talk about boundaries. Okay, so boundaries with breastfeeding we can feel like we need them. It can come up all the time. Right, you might feel very confident with the idea of boundaries and say that's a topic you're super familiar with. You got this, but maybe you're still struggling a little bit with how this translates into breastfeeding. Or it might be something that you're like I have heard of it but I cannot wrap my head around it. I don't really understand boundaries. It seems super elusive. Or maybe boundaries is completely new to you and you're like Jenna I think I've heard this word like once before in my life. Tell me more. What do you mean? I will say I have been in every one of those situations and every part in between and I understand boundaries was not something that I was introduced to. Until I was in my 20s. I didn't really understand the concepts. Nobody had ever talked to me about boundaries and it wasn't particularly healthy for me. But you know it is what it is and I've done a lot of work since and now I feel really comfortable setting boundaries and talking about boundaries. But when we're talking about boundaries with breastfeeding, a lot of questions come up. Right, do you need to set boundaries with your breastfeeding toddler? Is something wrong or bad? If you don't, when should you start setting these boundaries right? Is it worth it to set boundaries if you don't always stick to them? What boundaries should you set? And ultimately, after you've asked all of those questions, how, how do you set the boundaries?

jenna: 1:58

So today I'm going to be talking about a few different things. I'm going to be talking like I will be getting to the definition of boundaries, which I do present a definition that I think is quite different from what we often think about boundaries, at least, like in popular culture, the way we think about boundaries. So I was going to start with the definition of boundaries first, but I think I'm actually going to start with this question, which is do you need to create structure or set boundaries? These two things are often conflated in the breastfeeding space, like toddler breastfeeding space, and in the parenting space structure or boundaries. We often think that boundaries are about telling somebody what they should or should not do, right, which is really kind of these rules that we're creating. But I'm going to give you a new definition of boundaries, which I will get into in a moment, but I'll just say that for these purposes, we can have this creating structure which is rules, rhythm and routine in your breastfeeding journey, day to day, or setting boundaries which is moment by moment, taking care of your own needs. So we have creating structure, which is like instilling this predictability in your breastfeeding relationship. Then we have setting boundaries, which is like moment by moment, taking care of your own needs. So structures, they can create this predictability and particularly when they're part of a bigger picture, right, when you've taken the time to zoom out and do a lot of work, structure can be a really great way of routinely meeting those needs. So it's kind of taking the pressure off you to be setting boundaries all the time, because you've created the structure where the boundaries are just kind of naturally being set and the needs are naturally being taken care of. So, generally speaking, creating structure is about pushing breastfeeding into only very specific times of day or in certain situations.

jenna: 3:47

A lot of times people think that this is where they need to start with boundaries, right. So boundaries are. I'm going to tell my child when they can and cannot feed, so we're going to get into why it's not. But you can, you absolutely can set those, to set those rules which I have in my breastfeeding relationship and it can be a really, really supportive thing. It can take kind of the pressure off of you from having to navigate the moment by moment situations.

jenna: 4:13

But there's some things to consider. First of all, a breastfed child under 12 months of age needs to have their cues for nutritional needs responded to quickly and effectively all the time. So if your child is 12 months or younger, it's critically important that when they cue for nutrition, when they cue for a breastfeed, that that need is being responded to. I do want to put the caveat in here that it doesn't necessarily mean especially if you have like an 11-month-old or 12-month-old, that you're dropping everything and breastfeeding the moment that they make any kind of inclination that they want that. The older they get, the more ways there are to meet that nutritional need. Of course, but all major health organizations recommend that children, particularly under the age of six months, be breastfed, quote on demand or have their needs responded to quickly and effectively with, ideally, breast milk or pumped milk or donor milk or formula right. Of course, delaying responding to those cues to get your baby, or like trying to get your baby on a schedule, can negatively impact their weight gain and their health and it can negatively impact your milk supply, particularly again under 12 months and especially under six months. So that's just something to keep in mind when we're talking about structure.

jenna: 5:36

Now, structure, when you're basing it on shoulds right, the shoulds of culture, the shoulds of other voices, it's actually a boundary violation. It's allowing the culture, other voices, to violate your own boundaries, and I'm going to explain why that is a little bit later on, but I kind of wanted to throw that out there for you. So you need to be careful with this, because if you're not doing it based on your actual needs and your child's actual needs and your lifestyle and your unique situations, then you're getting back into that idea of like managing behavior right, like of saying, like you know, this is the way it should be, this is the way it shouldn't be, and you're missing the underlying needs that are really underneath right, because, again, boundaries are meeting those needs moment by moment. So if you're not considering those, if you're basing it not on real, authentic needs but on shoulds, then it's going to backfire. So needs always matter. It's important to be taking those needs into consideration. Structure can still be flexible, so it's most important to be consistent in how you show up with your child moment by moment. That is what's critically important when it comes to consistency.

jenna: 6:53

If you set a rule and then you breastfeed outside of that rule, right, it's not going to confuse your child or stop you from meeting your breastfeeding goals or mean you're going backwards in your weaning journey. All it means is that you are taking care of your child's needs right and taking care of your own needs. If that's the case, if you're breastfeeding because you truly want to, your child truly wants to, it feels good for both of you then that's okay. We can think that that's just going to be epically confusing to your child, but what's way more confusing, they are fully trusting you. You are their caregiver, right. You are everything to them, even at two years, three years, four years, five years, right. So they're going to take the cue from you. If you are showing up in a loving, kind, calm, responsive way, they're not going to be confused by that. If you show up that way some of the times and then other of the times, you're stressed out, you're yelling, you're frustrated, you're, you know, or maybe you're like shutting down and you're so wrapped up in your own mind and thoughts that you can't see what their needs are. That is what's confusing to them, okay, so again, structure can be flexible, so you can create the rules, you can set the routine, you can create the rhythms and you can also breastfeed outside of that too, as as needed. So it's always important to have this big picture view and this deep understanding of your needs and your child's needs before creating structure, or it will backfire.

jenna: 8:25

So I know I've spoken to moms who, like, have weaned their child months, a year or more ago, and their child is still pulling on their shirt in public. Right, is still asking to breastfeed. It sounds wild, but sometimes what we think is that when we put the structure around the breastfeeding, that, like it's just breastfeeding is this behavior to be managed? Right, so it's like, well, you have this one opportunity to breastfeed, so now you shouldn't ask anymore. We've limited it. So, like you, it's just going to go away. Right, like they're just somehow going to be able to do that. Right, like they're just somehow going to know that that's all, that's the only times that they should be asking.

jenna: 9:03

But the reality is that breastfeeding is not a behavior to be managed, even into toddler hood, even into childhood. Right, like it's an effective way and often your child's best bet at getting their needs met. So when you limit that and it's also an effective way for you to parent for you to you can go back in other podcast episodes I talk about this. You know nervous system regulation, nutritional support, immunological support, all these things that breastfeeding can offer your child as a parenting tool. So when you put limits and restrictions on that tool and on that way of getting your child getting their needs met without adding additional supports, it can cause the needs to go unmet.

jenna: 9:46

And my friend, maisie Rutan, who did the I think it's episode four, the night weaning episode, like nighttime sleep episode. She talks about this showing up as, like we know from a more scientific word, would be miskewing. They have these needs but they're coming out in other ways, right, but Maisie Rutan calls it playing whack-a-mole, right. So it's like you've put this limit on this one thing and it's kind of fixed this one thing, but now all these other things are popping up because there's this unmet need that's going underneath. So we've kind of restricted and stopped this behavior in one area that we didn't like, but now it's other behaviors and other things are popping up in other areas and it's challenging, it's difficult and really there's an unmet need at the base of all that that we need to get to.

jenna: 10:30

So that is structure, creating structure and predictability is one of the outcomes that I have, of my, of course, on your breastfeeding story. So there's three particular outcomes. Because the last module, you can pick kind of three different pathways. One is complete weaning, one is intentional changes, so that's creating the structure. And then the third option is for, like, tandem feeding families. So it's very difficult for me to kind of tell you how to create structure in like a single podcast episode when I have a six module, four month course and that goes over all those things right, zooming out, understanding what all these needs are, understanding how to preemptively add in the supports, how to do all of those pieces. So if you would like to learn more about that, you can get my free workshop, which is the essential roadmap to toddler, wean, extended breastfeed and tandem feed Without being a human fidget toy or pushing your child away.

jenna: 11:26

So that's a very long title of my workshop, but you can get that at ownyourparentingstorycom and in it I really break down my entire methodology. I go over three breastfeeding mistakes that I see extended breastfeeding moms make in their weaning and breastfeeding journeys all the time, and then what to do about them, how to not make those mistakes. I also go over. Yeah, I really break down my entire methodology and I also talk a bit more about my program there. So you are welcome to go and and grab that if you haven't already. I do want to put a caveat here, saying that if you're listening to this and you have registered for the on demand workshop in the past and for some reason it didn't work for you, please send me an email or a DM on Instagram. I found that there was a group of people over the last couple of months who may have registered for it and may have had some glitches with it, and it's more recently come to my attention. So if you have had that issue, please reach out to me. I would love to get you access to that workshop so that you can actually watch it if you would like to.

jenna: 12:28

Anyways, back to the regular podcast, regular programming here. So that is creating structure, right? Those are all the things to consider. Make sure that your child's old enough, you know, but you're not missing out on their nutritional needs, that you're considering all these needs. Underneath. That, you're making structure that's actually based on your real needs and lifestyle and unique situation with your child. Those are all really, really important.

jenna: 12:55

So let's talk about, if that's not boundaries because a lot of times people think that's what boundaries are then what is? What is a boundary? So, a boundary is, at its essence, a line that marks the limits of an area. So boundaries are like the borders of the country. This is where Canada is and this is where the United States is. Right, this is the limits of an island. Right, like you have an island that's sitting in water. Like there's a boundary of. This is where the land ends and the ocean begins. Right, these are a physical line. You could take a Ziploc bag and fill it with water and zip it up and you would know that the water is being held. There's a limit to where the water can go. Right, the bag is the physical boundary.

jenna: 13:45

So there's a place where we end as a human, as a human being physically and emotionally, and someone else begins. So, physically, there's our physical body, right, skin. I'm touching my own skin here. So what exists inside of my body is mine. It's where I live, no one else, right?

jenna: 14:09

And then, of course, I don't exist inside of my child's body either. They have their own body, that's theirs, their own sensations in that body, and of course, then there's also the mental thoughts that we have. No one else can be inside of your mind. Your mind is your responsibility. It's where you exist. No one else exists in there, right, and your child has that too.

jenna: 14:34

And of course, our brains and our bodies, our minds and our physical bodies are deeply, deeply connected, and the physical sensations that we have inside of our body affect our mind and our mind affects our physical sensations. And our physical needs, like for food and water, impact our emotional needs for connection and vice versa. Right, these things are all kind of intertwined and interplaced inside of us, but the boundary exists always that there are things that are my responsibility, things that I can control, things that are within me that no one else can see or understand, even really like to, without me expressing it to them. And even then they're still going to be interpreting it themselves, right, and no one else can know what my body needs. And the same goes for your child. You can't know what your child is actually experiencing. You can't as much as you might think you can. Right, you can have some ideas and you can get some clues, but you'll never truly know and you also can't control what thoughts they're going to have, what feelings they're going to have. You can't even control what behaviors they're going to have as much as you would like to. I know it's difficult, but you can't. So those boundaries already exist.

jenna: 15:58

There are simply limitations to you being a human and to your child being a human right, and of course, we can come together in meaningful ways, but we're still separate. So what does this mean for breastfeeding? Well, it means that you are still 100% responsible for your needs, 100% of the time. It means that as much as it feels like your child has you trapped, as much as it feels like your child is, you know, infringing on your autonomy, right, they actually can't because you're separate beings. Now again, boundaries is a whole module that I take out of the six modules in my Own your Breastfeeding Story program. Boundaries is a whole module, so it's I deep dive it in there and we go into many different facets of this. So I'm going to give you kind of this brief summary here, but it's just really important for you to understand that right?

jenna: 16:58

So when we think about this, then a boundary violation is somebody coming into our space. It's somebody taking ownership for something that isn't theirs. So, somebody telling you that you should wean right, they're trying to control your actions. That's somebody violating your boundaries. They've crossed into your space. It's somebody, of course, coming into your home without your permission. They're taking ownership for your space. Your home belongs to you.

jenna: 17:25

A boundary violation, right, it's also, you know, telling your child that they shouldn't be upset over something. It's a boundary violation because you don't exist inside of your child's body, so you can't tell them what they should or shouldn't be feeling, right. I know this can be like a lot to process because it's a very different way of looking at things, but it's actually makes a lot of sense. I feel like when you, when you come down to it and this is a piece that I know, so, so, so many people who have taken Own your Breastfeeding Story just love really puts a lot of pieces together. For them it's kind of like oh yeah, and it just makes sense and things start to flow out of that place.

jenna: 18:07

So that's the definition of a boundary, and boundary violations are, of course, when we're trying to move into somebody else's body or mind and tell them what they should be thinking or what they should be feeling, or what they should be doing, or what they shouldn't be feeling, shouldn't do or should be. You know all of those things. So ultimately, of course, we cannot control other people and we cannot control our child. So what does that mean? We can still take responsibility for our bodies, for our feelings, for our needs, and allow our child to experience their feelings, their like, have their own needs right and have their own behaviors and actions. So what is a healthy boundary in a practical sense, with a like a breastfeeding toddler, and how do we get there? So first we're going to talk about how to create this boundary. We'll talk about what that boundary is in the more practical sense, but we'll start here with how to create a healthy boundary.

jenna: 19:08

So first we have to start with our internal world, right? So who is here in this moment we're creating this boundary? Who exists here? Is your child here? Is your partner here? Are there strangers here?

jenna: 19:21

Sometimes we feel like we need to put up a boundary. We're feeling something inside of us. You know, we have that sense inside of us, that oof. This isn't okay. We need to set this boundary. Who is here?

jenna: 19:31

Once you've identified who is here, what is yours and what is theirs, right, are you feeling responsible for someone else's feelings in this moment? Is that why you want to set a boundary, because you are worried about what someone else might be feeling or thinking? Can you let that go? Are you able to say, hey, that doesn't belong to me, right? Oof, if that's an option, then maybe this is just going to end here. If maybe, that's all it was right. But if it's not, that's okay. Right, even if you understand that somebody else is feeling something, it's still okay to make adjustments based on that. Like, you're not a bad person for being concerned about that, right? No, that's totally okay.

jenna: 20:16

So, once you've identified, kind of, who is here and what is yours and what is theirs, then ask yourself what needs you have and what needs your child has. So, who is here? How are we separate, right? What's mine, what's theirs, what can I control, what can I not control? Then you're going to see what needs do I have? Are there physical or emotional needs? Maybe you need some food. Maybe you need rest or reassurance or movement or compassion or connection or whatever needs you kind of have. You can also check in with your child, like noticing your child. What needs might they have? Are they hungry, are they tired, are they lonely, are they thirsty? Have they had movement and connection today? What's happening right, and then you can figure out. Well, first you can, from that space of needs, you can see if maybe you just need to have that need met for yourself and maybe that's going to take this pressure off of this kind of yucky internal experience. Because that's really what's happening right.

jenna: 21:10

When we feel like we need to set a boundary, it's from this, like we have this sensations that happen inside of our body. We're feeling uncomfortable, right. We feel like ugh, and that is our body giving us cues that our needs are unmet, that there's something happening, something that we need to take action about. So this could be, you know, a physical need. Maybe it's not really that big of a deal to you on any other time, but right now you're really hungry and this is very difficult. So can you just get some food? Will that help? If not, that's okay, we can move on to the next step. Right, but taking care of that need first might be, might be, what you need to do. Then you can ask yourself what are you willing to give and what are you not willing to give, or what are you willing to offer and what are you not willing to offer?

jenna: 21:58

A boundary never has to be just a straight no, right? So when you're setting this personal boundary, it's never just a straight like no with your child, of course. With adults, then there are times where it's just going to be a straight up no, and that is completely okay. But with your child, it's never just a no. There's always a yes there somewhere.

jenna: 22:20

So if your child is asking to breastfeed at a park, let's just use that as an example, right? So you're going to start with that internal. Your child is asking to breastfeed at a park and you're feeling uncomfortable about it. You're noticing something coming up inside of you. So, first, who was here? Right? What's mine and what's theirs? Where is this coming from? Is this coming from me taking on responsibility for someone else's feelings? No, it's not. I actually just don't want to do this right now. Okay, cool, right. Or maybe it is, and you're like oh, actually, the strangers at the park, that's not my responsibility for their feelings, right? Maybe I can let this go, and if you can't, that's cool.

jenna: 22:58

Ask yourself what needs do you have? Do I have a physical or an emotional need? Am I feeling uncomfortable with my partner right now? Is there something going on between us that I just need some reassurance with Right? Maybe your partner's at the park with you. Maybe I'm just super, duper tired. I'm really tired, and when my child is asking me for milk, it's actually putting a little bit of extra tax on my body and it's becoming too much for me. So I need to do something about this, right? So maybe it's just time to go home. Right? Maybe your child needs something, right? What does your child need If you can meet that? Right? Maybe they're tired, maybe it's time to go home, maybe they need a snack, whatever it is. And, of course, if you feel like your needs are being met and you're comfortable, you can absolutely breastfeed. There's nothing wrong with breastfeeding in this moment. Okay, and then? So, talking about this park, what are you willing to offer and what are you not willing to offer? Maybe you're willing to breastfeed for five seconds and you're going to do a countdown with your kiddo hey, kiddo, we can breastfeed for five seconds. Or maybe you're going to say no, we cannot breastfeed at the park, but we can breastfeed in the car. Let's go to the car and we can go breastfeed there. Maybe that will feel good for you, that will kind of reduce some of the stress that you're having. Maybe it will feel more relaxing for you. Whatever, that is right.

jenna: 24:17

It's really hard to give specific examples because there's so many variables. When I'm working with clients inside of my program, like we're working on one specific, very specific circumstance and, of course, as you learn it in that circumstance and you can begin to apply it to other circumstances, but there's just so many variables, I can't say what boundaries you should have or shouldn't have, right, because these things are coming up from feelings inside of you based on very unique circumstances, as well as your unique makeup, right, your temperament, your body, your experiences, right, I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That would be a boundary violation. So, yeah, we've talked about this internal experience, right? So who is here? You're separate from them? What are your needs? And then, what are you willing to offer and not willing to offer? So that's kind of all happening internally. So then we get to this external piece.

jenna: 25:10

So that's when you're going to state the limit, that's when you're going to say, hey, we're going to, we can breastfeed in the car, but we can't breastfeed at the park right now. Mummy's not going to breastfeed right here, right now, but I will breastfeed you in the park or in the car. Again, you're not telling your child you can't breastfeed because you can't control what your child wants to do or doesn't want to do or what they do, right. But you can say I'm not going to breastfeed right here, right now. That's yours to take care of, right, that exists in your space. So I'm not going to breastfeed right here, right now. So something like my child's breastfeeding right now. So, yeah, that's a great idea.

jenna: 25:43

My son's a twiddler, so the way I've stated limits with him is mommies, nipples are for mouths, not for fingers. Right, I could say I'm willing to hold your hand, honey, that's what I'm willing to offer for your hand. My booby is not for your hand right now, but my hand could be for your hand Now. If you want some support in how to communicate this more clearly, I have my Making Changes Guide in Cheat Sheet which is all about this particular step, so communicating to your child, how to say like no to the feed while still saying yes to the need. So that's the first piece so you can state that limit.

jenna: 26:20

Now they might have a reaction. They might have an emotional response to this. That's okay. It's not something that you can control, right, you can control their emotions and it might spark stuff inside of you, but they're not doing that on purpose. They're not creating those feelings inside of you. Those feelings exist within you, so they're yours to take care of. So this is where you can hold space for them to feel the feelings that they are having, right? So you've stayed at the limit. Now they're feeling some feelings. This can be a space for you to support them in something called accepting futility. Right, we can talk about frustration, tolerance and all these different pieces, right. But Dr Gordon Neufeld talks about accepting futility and he has this really cool metaphor. He uses this roundabout image and it's really neat. I go into it in my course, but in one of the bonuses that comes with my course, which is the secrets of the one to five brain.

jenna: 27:13

But for the purposes of this podcast, I don't want to take all day. What I'm going to say is that it's really about supporting your child, recognizing that mad, that anger they might be feeling, right, and allowing being with them. Well, it's kind of melting into sad right. So it's supporting them, being there with them through that wave of intensity that's kind of coming through their body right now. Right, and just like a wave it's going to come and go right, just like a storm. It's going to come and it's going to pass. It's about supporting them while that emotion goes through, while they have that experience inside of their body and while it moves through, and being with them through that, because it's actually scary for them to experience that, and if you're scared by it or if you're overwhelmed by it, then that's even more frightening for them. But if you can know and hold within yourself, this is going to pass, this is okay. They're having a feeling right now. They're having an experience inside of themselves. I know that these things are temporary and I can be this kind of loving, kind support through that for them. Just be here as this calm presence. Then they can, of course, move through that a lot easier.

jenna: 28:30

And that is again a huge piece of what I do inside of On your Breastfeeding Story, where I go through how to create that capacity within inside yourself and how to create that emotional safety and that sense of calm so that you can be that for your child. So, as far as so, we have that internal piece right Noticing the separation, assessing the needs and knowing what you're willing to offer and what you're not. Then we have this external piece of stating the limit, then supporting the emotion. And alongside supporting the emotion is meeting the need for your child. If they have a need, right, so again it could be some food, some movement for their body. It could be thirst, they're thirsty, they're tired, right, all those different things. So they have physical needs that might need to be met too, and sometimes that can make that emotional state way more intense. So being mindful of those emotional needs as you move through is really, really important.

jenna: 29:23

So this was a pretty heavy on the theory and but at the same time, quite practical podcast episodes, so I really hope that you have enjoyed it. I know that this is all things that I talk about in depth inside of my program, but it's a question that I get all the time. I would love for you to shoot me a DM on Instagram if you liked this episode. You can always go and download my communication guide, which I said is ownyourparentingstorycom forward slash guide. And then there is the workshop, where I go through some of these pieces and some of the reasons why these pieces are difficult, which I didn't really get into in this episode. But I do talk about that in the workshop the free on demand workshop, and I also talk more about the course and how you can join it if you would like to. But there's beautiful stuff in there regardless, so you can find that at ownyourparentingstorycom forward slash workshop. All right, I will see you all next week.