49 - What is "Gentle" Weaning & Boundaries?

The word "Gentle" can be really divisive in the parenting world these days.

I've used that word a LOT to describe the way that I approach and support breastfeeding families to set boundaries and even wean.  But I don't mean it in the way you might think.

In this podcast episode, I unpack what I mean by "gentle" and the 3 different areas in which gentle boundaries and weaning can a difference for you and your child: Mind, Body & Heart.
 

Post-Weaning Depression Research:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38300295/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39427882/
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00737-018-0871-9

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Transcript

**Transcript Is Auto Generated**

[00:00:00] If you're listening to this episode around the time that it is released, you likely heard ahead of the intro, a little promo for a live workshop that I haven't, I have coming up on November 12th, 2024, come live, register. It's going to be great.

Hang out with me. But when I was naming that workshop, I was hesitant with the word choice that I landed on. And that has inspired the episode for today. I decided to call it Three Steps to Gentle Toddler Breastfeeding Boundaries and Weaning. The word gentle is what kind of I got hung up on a little bit.

And that's because the concept of gentle in the context of parenting, can be really divisive these days. There's people who love that word, who hate that word, and there's lots of people who feel kind of indifferent towards that word. Um, It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look around and see the evidence of that on TikTok, on [00:01:00] Instagram.

I mean, there's news articles about it. People have written so many books, right? Uh, there's people that feel that it is a misled or misguided concept or idea. Now, I am not going to dive into gentle parenting today. I love that topic and I would love to deep dive into that and I have little bits here and there, over the, you know, last 50 episodes that we've had on this podcast.

, but that's not what I'm going to be talking about today. I'm talking about gentle in the context of toddler breastfeeding boundaries and weaning, so not really as a parenting style. Separate from that, when we look at the Oxford Dictionary definition of gentle, there are two different, , definitions that come up.

And the first one is having or showing a mild kind or Tender temperament or character. And that is the definition that I believe, and I would assume most people think of when they [00:02:00] think of gentle parenting and gentle in the context of parenting, it's more about your presentation, your demeanor, uh, the tone of voice you use, that kind of thing.

And. That is not really what I mean when I'm talking about gentle breastfeeding boundaries and weaning. There's a second definition, and the second definition is moderate in action, effect, or degree, not harsh or severe, and then it also says, uh, could be gradual. That is more of what I mean when I'm talking about gentle breastfeeding boundaries and weaning.

Now, it doesn't mean that you can't be mild or kind. Of course, you could be those things. But, and, and to dip into the parenting debate for a second, I think that that's where a lot of people get hung up. They think that they can't have any other experience other than kind, gentle words.

Um, and I definitely don't believe that that's true when it comes to parenting or breastfeeding, but I, I can see that [00:03:00] we, we aspire to be that, and we want to feel love and kindness towards our kids. So, I get it. But I believe that gentle in the context and in meaning of being moderate in action, effect, or degree, or not harsh or severe, or being gradual, is the most effective way to make changes in the breastfeeding relationship that foster physical and emotional wellness for everyone involved.

And I'm sure that that's what you want, right? You're not looking to wean and just get it over with and, you know, throw all caution to the wind and potentially do physical and emotional harm to yourself, or your child, right? Of course. That's why I think that a gentle approach is important. Now, this doesn't mean that it's going to take a long time, A lot of people, they want to go fast because sometimes they think it's going to be easier, right?

Cold turkey weaning, but taking a more moderate, gentle approach actually can allow you to go faster in the long run because you're really only making small changes. [00:04:00] And when you're making those small changes, it's less likely that you're going to have this negative ripple effect that you kind of have to go back and fix all the things that got knocked over in the wake of that, right?

So if you make a big drastic change and something went awry during that, or it wasn't maybe the right change for you right then, the negative impact of that can be really big. So that can actually end up making the weaning process a lot longer. And I, have clients and I've worked with people, who have been in that situation where they're like, I keep trying to wean and it keeps getting worse and worse.

It's like every time we attempt it, we end up in a worse spot than we were at before. So that can happen. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to take a long time because sometimes going fast can actually end up making you take a lot longer of a time. Now there's another thing that going gentle can do and that is that it allows for everything to kind of equibrilate [00:05:00] on its own.

So this means that those small moderate changes that aren't drastic or really big can actually free up you, in a sense, your instincts, your intuition, as well as your child, right? To, , kind of come back into balance and start to take care of yourself and for your child, take care of themselves in different ways, , that actually lightens the load for you.

So it, and sometimes that means that Things coming back into balance can have a bigger positive impact in other areas. That might sound kind of theoretical, but what I mean by that is when you make a small tweak, , so sometimes you could be talking about your, uh, emotions, right? It's like, oh, I'm not hung up on this weaning thing anymore. Um, Because maybe you've just had a small mindset change and so you're not hung up on this weaning thing anymore and now you're mentally freed up and that has bigger positive impacts and it actually kind of [00:06:00] allows things to go faster.

? So you can, that small change can have a really big positive impact, right?

I said before that it can, sometimes the big changes can have a big negative impact. Sometimes the small changes can have a big positive impact. So there's really, three main areas that I think get affected or are involved in the weaning process, especially when we're talking about the weaning and boundary process, uh, from a gentle lens or perspective, and that would be mind, body, and heart.

So I'm going to break down each of those today, and I'm going to talk about them in the context of yourself as the breastfeeding parent and your child as the breastfeeding child.


Body
---

I'm actually going to start with body, Because it's the most practical in a lot of ways. And I think that that's often what people would think of first, right?

If we're talking about weaning, we're talking about the way your body is, uh, going through that weaning change, right? How it's being affected. So let's start with your child first. Gentle changes, if we're [00:07:00] talking about a gentle process in boundaries and weaning, looks like ensuring that physical needs are being met.

throughout the changing process. That helps to make sure that any little change is Somewhat moderate, right? Because we're not just taking away something, we're actually ensuring that there's supports along the way to help balance and, you know, offer, offer that kind of cushion through that change. So one of the physical needs could be nutrition,

You could start by ensuring that there's balanced offerings of food every two to three hours during the day. And by balanced offerings, I mean a little bit of fat, a little bit of protein, you know, a little bit of carbs, something that is, um, somewhat enticing, something that your kid enjoys eating, and that there's no pressure.

It's an offering. You're offering it to your child and they get to kind of, Tune in with their own body and see if that's what they need right now, want right now. And then [00:08:00] offering that every few hours, um, means that there's a safety net, right? So if they didn't need anything now, two hours from now, there's more food coming, right?

So that's kind of, it's in line with division of responsibility approach to nutrition. Um, So, yeah, I think that that's really important. And that's, that's one of the things that gentle breastfeeding boundaries and weaning can look like. That's what I kind of mean by it.

Another physical need that should be really being met in that process, if we're talking about things in a gentle approach, would be movement and sensory needs. So that's, that's important. Adequate input and adequate output. So sometimes they need rest. Sometimes they need movement. And that's going to be different for each child, what they need, um, but we don't want to ignore those needs in the process of weaning because sometimes we can get so focused on weaning that it's, , that becomes the thing. It's like, well, we just have to do whatever it takes to not breastfeed right now, right?

Or to get through this tantrum that's coming after we said, no, we just kind of have to, you know, [00:09:00] buckle down and stay really consistent with this boundary. And, uh, I don't actually think that that needs to be the priority. When we're talking about gentle changes. Support your child. As a whole. Um, so we've got nutrition, movement, and then sleep.

We want to be watching those cues as, as they have them. Potentially, you know, making small tweaks to the sleep environment or kind of sleep rhythm. And a lot of times those tweaks to nutrition, movement, or, well, and sensory input and sleep can potentially shift the breastfeeding dynamic without actually needing to be intentional about shifting the breastfeeding patterns.

And that happens often because the child feels more supported and they aren't relying on breastfeeding to kind of pick up the slack of those unmet needs. And there's no pressure that some of the, like, no shame, I should say, that some of those needs might be kind of, you know, Put [00:10:00] to the wayside right now in this season of life.

It makes sense, but sometimes just supporting those needs actually ends up shifting the breastfeeding dynamic because it's kind of taking the pressure off of breastfeeding to pick up the slack for those things. Um, so that's a body and and the gentle approach to your child's body through the Boundaries and weaning process.

Now let's talk about you. Nutrition for yourself. Nourishing yourself through this process. Supporting yourself helps you have a bigger capacity to cope with the stress of this change. This change is going to be somewhat stressful to your body, to your mind, right? It's also, you know, Even when we're talking about your child too, like, so making sure that they have those supports for their needs means that they have a bigger capacity to cope with the change.

That they are better able to show up when you say no and not have a meltdown because they're like, yeah, I can handle this. I can cope with this, right? Same thing for you. So nourishing yourself with food, with love, with [00:11:00] connection, with friends, all of those things. But we're talking specifically about bodies.

So your own sensory needs, all that kind of stuff, um, is important so that you have that. Better capacity to show up for your child, for yourself, through this process. So that's emotionally, but also physically, because when we're talking about stress physiologically, having, uh, more stress can put you at a higher risk for illness, including things like mastitis and clogged ducts.

So gradual, slow boundaries and weaning includes nourishing yourself, and that is going to decrease your risk for things like mastitis and clogged ducts. Another way that your body can be supported through gentle, right, gradual changes is that your breastfeeding supply is going to decrease slowly. Because you're doing this gradually, right?

And that will also help mitigate mastitis. Along with stress reduction, so that's really important. We want to [00:12:00] decrease that milk supply slowly. It doesn't mean it has to take a super long time. It just means we're not going cold turkey, right? And just be like, no more.

Another way that this gradual change is supportive for you and your body is it helps to mitigate post weaning depression. Now, post weaning depression is not well studied. Unfortunately, but I will link some, uh, articles and resources in the show notes, uh, for you to have a look through.

But it is known and recognized that, weaning and breastfeeding cessation is correlated with depression or the development or worsening of psychiatric conditions. So the symptoms of post weaning depression are, general. Depression symptoms, crying spells, hopelessness, irritability, mood swings, anxiety, loss of interest in normal activities, and it typically occurs within a few days or weeks after weaning and later onset is possible.[00:13:00]

Typically, this is thought to be occur because of sudden drop in hormones. So if you are, uh, weaning very quickly, cold turkey, you're going to have a much bigger swing of hormones and that can, , really increase your risk of experiencing post weaning depression. Other, , causes that can contribute to post weaning depression are things like social pressure and psychological triggers. What is not a cause of post weaning depression is your desire to wean. So even if you really, really want to wean, um, It can still happen, and the amount of time that you've breastfed isn't correlated with post weaning depression or not.

So it doesn't really matter if you've only breastfed a little while or you've breastfed for a long time, that doesn't really impact whether or not you can experience post weaning depression. Typically, post weaning depression does resolve in about four weeks, so it's a shorter period of time, right? It's not [00:14:00] years of depression that follow.

It often doesn't require, medical intervention even, you know, when we're talking about medication and that kind of thing as treatment for depression. Often those things take four to six weeks before seeing an effect. So clearly if it's only taking four weeks, then a medical intervention is likely not appropriate in, in this situation.

Um, but I wanted to mention that. So the Going gently means that you're less likely to experience , development or worsening of psychiatric conditions, including depression, and most commonly depression. A lot of times people feel like, if I just get rid of breastfeeding, everything's going to be better.

But the faster you get rid of breastfeeding Doesn't necessarily mean the faster you're going to feel better, unfortunately. Um, another part of the gentle weaning when we're talking about depression and post weaning depression is being gentle with yourself and having supports in place ahead of time so that you can reduce your [00:15:00] stress and cope, which for some people, you know, it might mean reducing the amount that you're working for a short period of time, or maybe not taking on an extra thing at work.

It might also mean Relying a little bit more on convenience foods during that time or just the same way that you might have some freezer meals and that kind of thing ready to go when you're having a baby. It might be a good idea to prep those things ahead of time before you start to make changes.

If you're able to or have a friend or a family member kind of make you a few freezer meals, that kind of stuff, just to take that mental load and that physical load, sorry, not really mental load at that point, it's physical load of having to cook and whatnot for yourself. Um, Having to take that, just take that off your to do list, right, so that you can, uh, navigate through whatever, whatever feelings might come up in that process.


Mind
---

Okay, so the next area would be your mind. And I'm going to talk about this for your child, and for yourself. So for your child, [00:16:00] gentle boundaries and weaning could look like having developmentally appropriate expectations and supports for your child.

Understanding where their brain is actually at developmentally, and if you're talking about a child who's three or under, we're talking from a neuroscience perspective about an infant. That's still in infancy. Their brain is still very, very underdeveloped. If you're talking about a two year old, right, a one year old, a two year old, and even that three and four year old can absolutely fall more into that camp as well.

So you need to understand that they are going to still have needs for co regulation.

And you can also be teaching and explaining as you go. So just because developmentally they're going to be at a certain place doesn't mean that you can't be talking to them about it. In fact, that can be really, really supportive and gentle, right? It makes that process more gradual for them. They're better able to say, Oh, something is coming.

There is a change that's coming. So that, [00:17:00] that change doesn't feel so drastic when it happens. So sometimes that can look like the weaning storybooks that you're reading. Um, it could look like conversations that you're having. It might look like those parties, you know, you throw a party before you wean, that kind of stuff.

I don't think that that those things are ever particularly effective. by themselves, but it can be part of a gentle boundaries or weaning strategy. Um, and sometimes people don't think that their child can comprehend these things, but often when the parent is able to kind of take that step back and gradually support their child to understand, the child often is able to understand a lot more, and there's a lot of reasons for this, which I'm Kind of go outside of the scope of this particular podcast episode, um, but I felt like it was worthwhile mentioning, right?

So for you and your mind, gentle weaning can look like, [00:18:00] uh, a reduced mental load. So I did talk already about things that you might want to intentionally put in place, but the fact, just, just the fact of going slow and gradual reduces your mental load. Because you're only taking things one little step at a time, and you can stop at any point.

In fact, I encourage you to. A lot of times people come in, uh, to, you know, own your breastfeeding story, or they come to work with me, and they want to wean. That's what they're saying. I want to wean. I'm ready to wean, or even night wean, but they kind of have this, this bigger , end game in mind.

And as they do some of those little shifts, they feel better and they decide that they don't want to have that particular end game. It shifts. They're comfortable with where they're at right now. Um, so that's a benefit of going slowly, doing things gradually,

it also supports a deeper trust in your intuition and not having to have everything figured out right now, which is kind of that reduced mental level [00:19:00] of one step at a time, but that support to trust yourself in the process. And side note, that's not process that you are going through as you develop and deepen that trust within yourself actually does benefit your child.

I'm going to actually talk about more about that at the workshop. So come along if you want to hear more about that. But science shows that as we work to deepen our own intuition and attunement with our internal world, our child benefits from that as well. So that means we're moving away from that black and white, all or nothing thinking.

Which is really important and, , comes alongside and is part of emotional maturity, so another part of gentle, gentle and gradual, boundaries and weaning is working through the beliefs and expectations that you have about breastfeeding, about toddler development, about weaning. This stuff can be deep and it's not your [00:20:00] fault at all.

I mean, we're picking up stories and picking up meanings and picking up beliefs about toddlerhood, about breastfeeding, since we were toddlers. So There's a lot there. And a lot of times those things we just kind of assume them to be true, assume them to be the way that things are. So part of the gentle process is questioning those things a little bit, being curious about them.

Okay, what's going on there? A lot of times when you want to wean, it's because Breastfeeding has gotten uncomfortable, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally. It's hard. It feels challenging. It, it's, you know, too much in a lot of ways. And so sometimes just working with and questioning those beliefs, which is, I would absolutely, uh, say is part of the gentle process of boundaries and weaning can really lighten that load internally, lighten that, uh, kind of mental discomfort.

And then the last thing I'll say about The mental component [00:21:00] of gentle weaning is the mental boundaries that we can develop, right? And that are kind of maybe necessary to develop for that gentle process to happen. And that, again, it goes back to your intuition, but it's also not allowing everyone in your world to have a voice or opinion or to voice their opinion, , about your breastfeeding process.

Kind of the understanding that you're separate from other people and some things. People just don't need to know about, nor do they need to comment on. That also might mean maybe unfollowing certain people on Instagram. Uh, it could also mean, , just being mindful of the podcasts that you're listening to,

there's a lot of people who have opinions about toddler breastfeeding. It's often, , the butt of the joke in, Movies, even comedy podcasts, that kind of stuff. If they're talking about breastfeeding, they're talking about parenthood, they might be talking about things that maybe don't align [00:22:00] with your values.

I'm not suggesting that you have to cut out everything that doesn't align with your values, uh, or that could potentially go against what your choices have been for your breastfeeding journey. I don't believe that at all, but maybe for this time, that is part of the gentle process for you.

That is part of taking things kind of gradually and moderately, , because

Those messages might be things that motivate you to speed up the process or feel more frantic or feel more like the need to make changes is drastic, the opposite of gentle,


Heart
---

the last area that gentle boundaries affect or impact or play a part in is the heart, emotions, feelings.

And there's really two ways that I think that this happens for both you and your child. One, is that The gentleness of the process, the gradualness of the process, it gives you and your child space to grieve this change and to have the feelings that you might feel [00:23:00] about it. Good, bad. And it does that in a slower process.

So it kind of titrates that emotion for you so that you can kind of equilibrate or metabolize each change that comes and it doesn't feel like it's all flooding you at one time or all flooding them at one time. So going gradual can be helpful, okay? You don't necessarily need to rip off all of the bandages at once.

We just working at one at a time, right? And it might only be three or two, that you, that you're working through, two changes, right? But that gradual process allows you to, to really grieve and process the emotions that come up. And that's going to be supportive for them. It's going to support them with, emotional intelligence and bigger emotional capacity.

, it's going to support them to know that their feelings are okay to feel and that they can, Process them, and then the next time that there's a big change, the next time that there's disappointment, the next time that there's something to grieve, [00:24:00] they already have a little bit of a framework for that.

They already understand this is part of being human. And I can do this. I have the capacity. I'm going to be okay. This is just a time that I'm going to feel this for. It's just, you know, we could say it's just a storm that passes. It's just a wave of a feeling, right? But also for you. You get to go through that process too and feel that.

Then the other part that I think is important when we're talking about kind of the heart and the emotions is, is connection. And so a gentle weaning process supports a deeper connection for you and your child together, but it also supports a deeper connection for your child and others and for yourself and others.

When you are going through that change and even feeling that graving process together. That can be incredibly connecting, feeling those emotions and processing that together. Um, you're also navigating and realizing and figuring out other ways to feel connection. Aside from [00:25:00] breastfeeding. And that space that you're creating, that little bit of separateness, over time, slowly, gently, kind of frees up and allows new possibilities to unfold.

And those new possibilities might include, like I said, new ways for you to connect with your child. But it can also include new ways for your child to connect with other people in their lives or perhaps new people. Maybe it is daycare or maybe it's a deeper connection with dad or grandma or a sibling or whatever, you know, through that process. As they're coming in through this gradual process of a little bit more separation from you, it does allow other people to step in. And it doesn't mean that, um, breastfeeding is stopping other people from stepping in. It doesn't mean that at all, but. Part of going gently kind of allows this little bit of space that can allow that relationship to deepen, right?

Another relationship. But that can also be true for yourself because things come up. You might [00:26:00] need people to lean on for support, right? You might be a little bit more vulnerable in your conversations with your partner about what you're going through, what you're feeling with your friends. You might need to ask for help.

Ask for some more support, right? Ask for some freezer meals, whatever that is. And that can allow you to develop a deeper, more meaningful connection with those other people, too.


Wrap Up
---

So, lots of talking. I went through the body, the mind, and the heart, and how going through a gentle process of boundaries and toddler's breastfeeding can impact those three areas, right?

I really went through the kind of the why and the what today. I'm going to go a little bit more into the how on November 12th. So if you want to come along and learn a little bit more about the three steps to gentle toddler breastfeeding boundaries and weaning, come [00:27:00] along on November 12th.

It's going to be live. Uh, it's going to be wonderful. I will be there. I'm going to have an extended Q&; A and. It's going to be a Zoom room, like, you will be able to turn your camera on and talk with me. It's my favorite part of these workshops. Um, so come along. You can register at www.ownyourparentingstory.com/workshop Now, if you're listening to this after November 12th, go to that website and there will be either, uh, perhaps another free workshop that I have coming up, depending on when you go, or there'll be an instant access workshop. Whatever kind of workshop I have live right then will be available at that URL.

So www.ownyourparentingstory.com/workshop. Um, yeah. Also, shoot me a DM on Instagram. I'd love to hear your thoughts about, uh, this episode and, you know, how it resonated with you, what it means to you. And I'm looking forward to hanging out with you all on the 12th.