3 Ways "Nervous System Regulation" May Be Sabotaging Your Breastfeeding, Weaning & Parenting

"Nervous System" talk is definitely in the parenting ziegist.

It's something I talk a lot about, and it's a corner stone to my approach for coaching and supporting families.

AND - I have seen how the way it is often framed and discussed in the parenting space can actually *backfire* and leave you feeling worse than when you started.

In this episode, I highlight 3 different beliefs about nervous system regulation that are easy to pick up, but aren't very helpful... and I share the real thing that I know to *always* work!

Belief #1: "You are the problem" - You need to regulate so you can regulate your kids... which often also means, "if you're kids aren't regulated, it's your fault."

Belief #2: "Do more" - you and your kids need better routines, diet changes, more movement, less screens, meditations etc...  which means - you have to add *more* to your plate so that you can all be "regulated"

Belief #3: "Self-regulation is the key" - you (and your kids) need to learn how to self-regulate.  That's the end game.  That's what's most important.  That's what nervous system regulation is all about.... or is it?


Tune in to hear why I don't think these common beliefs are helpful, and what might be true instead.

Also - doors are open to Moms & Milk Village intil May 26th, 2026 at 11:59pm EDT.  Multiple pricing options are available.  If you would like to join - you can check it out here.

Also, you can text me (1-289-272-5027), email me (jenna@ownyourparentingstory.com) or DM me (own.your.parenting.story) at any time.  

Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at  www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Love this episode?!  Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3

Transcript

[Auto Generated Transcript]

[00:00:00] I cannot believe I'm recording another episode and it's been a whole year. I am recording this episode because, well, I just ran a live workshop and I got to do a Q&A with all of these incredible moms. Maybe you were there. Um, and then I've been sending emails back and forth and Instagram messages and in my stories and all that fun stuff with all of you.

And whenever I do these kinds of things, it always opens my eyes to current struggles that moms are having. And while there is consistent things that are always present and have been since I started my work, um, you know, eight years ago with breastfeeding moms, there are new flavors and new layers that come up.

For example, eight years ago, gentle parenting was, um Still, like, it wasn't, like, a total buzzword yet. There was communities that were, like, talking about it. There was a whole community movement around it. Um, and it was b- it was kind of a buzzword in those spaces, but now it's [00:01:00] this buzzword, and it's got, um, you know, a lot of feelings attached to it, right?

Um, you know, there's people that, uh, fully reject it, not because they think that, um, traditional parenting is the right way to parent, but they actually think that gentle parenting kinda got it wrong, right? And then there was, like, r- before that, there was, like, the idea of attachment parenting, which was popular in the '90s and then moving into the early 2000s, right?

And now we kinda look at that, or lots of people look at that and see flaws in it, right? So when I was starting eight years ago, nervous system regulation was, again, kind of, like, on the outside, right? Like, gentle parenting was definitely more well-known and popular at that time, whereas nervous system regulation was, like, just kind of coming to the forefront as far as, like, the mainstream parenting world was concerned.

And when I started l- learning about it and digging into it, I was hooked. Um, and now we see nervous system regulation, or at least I do, all over my social media feeds. It's, you know, you'll, you'll hear moms talking about it at the park. It's, [00:02:00] it's in the lexicon, in the zeitgeist. We talk about nervous system regulation.

And I see that there's some problems with the way that it's often talked about. And these are things that I talk about too, but there's nuance to it. And so these are-- I'm gonna share with you today, and I'm gonna try and be quick. It's hard for me to record short podcast episodes, so I'm gonna try to be quick with this.

Three ways that nervous system regulation and the way we talk about it today can be sabotaging your breastfeeding and weaning and parenting. So I'm gonna talk about number-- like, thing number one is this idea of attunement and regulation, um, and the way that it can be phrased as you are the problem.

Okay. We talk a lot about our kids sharing our calm, having to be that safe place for our kids, um, you know, being able to self-regulate so that our kids can regulate or [00:03:00] supporting our kids with self-regulation. The trouble is that this often ends up framing the parent as the problem, or at least it can leave the parent with that sense.

The idea that if I was just calmer, my kids would be calmer, and I need to deal with my stress so that my kids aren't stressed. Or I can't deal with my stress, so my kids are gonna be stressed, and it's my fault that I'm stressed. And if I was just doing more, which is actually point number two, the doing more thing.

But if I was doing that, then my kids would be better. And I wanna push against that a little bit. Now, it is true when we're talking about nervous system regulation, I mean, we can talk about, um, like Dr. Dan Siegel's interpersonal neurobiology. That's his-- the field of study that he kind of like pioneered, which is interpersonal.

So personal, talking about people, right? Inter, talking about between people, and neurobiology. So neuro, talking about neurons, nervous system, right? The [00:04:00] biology of that. So the way that our nervous systems, our neurobiology, is actually being shaped by each other interpersonally, right? There's a, there's a biology that exists between two people, okay?

So he talks about how we shape each other's brains, we shape each other's nervous systems. And this is true. It, it's, it is true that this happens, is that we are attuning and that there's like a resonance that happens that we can like meet, um, and f- like become in the same state as somebody else around us, right?

This is a-- but this isn't a problem It's not a bad thing that you're stressed and people around you feel that stress, okay? I want you to see it's not black or white here. If you think about a deer in a forest for a second or a meadow, and one deer hears a gunshot, what's [00:05:00] gonna happen? That deer, eyes are gonna get open wide, mouth's gonna go, like, flat, right?

Like ears are gonna get perked right up. And all the deers around it, you can even-- I feel it in my body thinking about that. Like my heart starts to get a little bit woof. Like I feel my arms getting tingly, my hands getting tingly. That is actually my paras-- or my sympathetic nervous system, right? Like my get up and go nervous system is starting to activate thinking about that.

We gotta run, right? That is what that deer's physiology is saying to all the deers around it. There's danger here. There's threat. We gotta run, right? So when you are stressed out or when you are feeling feelings, right? Your kids, your partner, everybody's gonna pick up on that. And we are made to do that.

That's why it's that we do that. Because just like that deer in the meadow hearing that gunshot, there's a threat that's present. They need to get out. They need to get up and run. And so it makes [00:06:00] sense that we feel like there's threats and stressors around us, and things that are dangerous or things that are not okay, and that our kids pick up on that, and that we all end up in this stress ball rage.

Now, it's not as simple as a gunshot because I-- like that is very visceral. That is very urgent. But we feel it in a lot of ways, and sometimes it is gunshots, right? Like sometimes it's stories about gunshots, right? Like these are real things that are very real and present all around the world right now.

And I, I don't mean to minimize any of that, right, at all. And that's what I mean is like it's wise that your kids are stressed when you're stressed. This was built into our biology for our safety Okay? So it's not your fault when you are stressed out that your kids are stressed out. It's not your fault that you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders for your child's mental and physical wellbeing.

None of that is your fault, and it's not [00:07:00] your fault that that feels incredibly hard and scary. It's not your fault that you're worried about hurting them or hurting their wellbeing or hurting their emotions or hurting them physically, right? Do we keep breastfeeding? Is that damaging their teeth? Is it, you know, creating too much attachment?

Do we quit breastfeeding? Is that going to be bad for their health? Maybe they're not eating enough other food. Is this gonna hurt them nutritionally? Is this gonna hurt them emotionally? All of those things are that sound that the deer is hearing in the meadow. That's the sound that you're hearing in your head, and your physiology is then communicating to your child that this isn't safe.

And again, not your fault. You are not the problem. I know a lot of times it is framed as if you dysregulate, then your kids will regulate, right? Especially in the respectful attachment, gentle whatever parenting spaces and a lot of spaces talking about nervous system regulation. It is [00:08:00] true that you h- are-- have an active role in this, but it's also true that this is happening unconsciously and that there's very important reasons why this is happening, and they are not all bad, okay?

It's, it's real. Okay, let's move on to part number two. So this idea that do more to regulate. So you have to do routines, supplements, movement, diet changes, mantras, meditation. Do these things, and then you're gonna self-regulate, and then your kids will be regulated, right? Or then you... Whatever. The, you know, or do these things for your children so that their, their nervous systems are healthy, right?

They need better routines. They need supplements. They need movement. They need diet changes. They need to do meditation. They need less screen time. They need more interaction. They need, they need, they need. You need, you need, you need. Okay? How does it feel when I say all of those things Remember, these things are supposedly supposed [00:09:00] to help you regulate your nervous system, but all they do is add more stress.

They just feel like scary threats. They're just a reminder of danger, a reminder of your own shortcomings, which is another form of danger that we can perceive, right? So that idea of, like, doing more, and a lot of times, like, and I say this as somebody who sells things on the internet, okay? A lot of times those people are selling you things, and I'm not saying that they don't believe in it.

And my-- like, the best thing in the world for me is when I get messages from parents and moms who have made radical changes in their lives because of the free content I put out on the internet. Like, I love that. I adore it. I'm not here... Like, when I'm selling things, and I'm gonna actually get to this kind of in the next part, what I do and why I do what I do.

But, um, I, I've [00:10:00] gotten off track here a little bit. But a lot of times those people are trying to-- they're intentionally trying to stress you out so that you buy their solution. Like, that's real too. And also, a lot of times there is evidence that these things help. Like, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that all of those things are bad or evil or wrong.

They can be very good things. But the idea that you need to do more to regulate your nervous system can be incredibly, like, self-sabotaging, right? It can sabotage your nervous system because when you feel more stressed about those things, that is not helpful to your nervous system, okay? So I'm gonna kinda move into the third thing, which is self-regulation.

This idea that it's on you. You gotta self-regulate. You gotta regulate that nervous system of yours. You gotta do that tapping. You gotta do those leg drops. You gotta dance like crazy outside. You gotta take the supplements. You have to change your diet. You need better routines. You need to change the lighting.

You need [00:11:00] to change your screen time. You need to, you need to, you need to in order to change yourself. You need to self-regulate. That's what's so important here. And again, you need to self-regulate so that your kids are healthier, so that your kids can regulate. I-- this is where I think that things, like, change and shift.

Self-regulation is possible, but when self-regulation happens, it's really internalized co-regulation Now, there can, we can argue that like when you notice that you're thirsty and you go and take a drink of water, that that's you self-regulating, yes. But when we're talking about the emotional kind of like state of things and when we're talking about the cognitive piece, it's really internalized co-regulation.

Now, I just watched Turning Red for the first time, the movie, um, with my, with my daughter, and it's so sweet because the premise of the movie, if you haven't seen it, is that this girl is going through puberty and, um, there's this kind of like [00:12:00] curse or spell or whatever in her family where whenever, um, the girls around puberty time-- like puberty in her family, they turn into red pandas when they experience any big feeling anything emotion.

And what this girl notices is that when she is around her friends, she doesn't feel out of control in her emotions. And so what she ends up having is inside her mind, she can picture her friends, and her friends help her regulate her body. That's not self-regulation, right? It is self-regulation. She's by herself, but that's internalized co-regulation.

She has that felt sense of safety from her friends telling her that she's enough, that she's loved, okay? Did she have to do more in order to experience that? No. She had to just be and show up and be loved and listen to the wonderfulness that her friends were pouring on her. [00:13:00] She didn't have to change.

She didn't have to work. In fact, when she worked at trying to get rid of the red panda, it kept like cycling back. She would feel calm for a second, and then she wouldn't be calm anymore. Anyway, I know like this experience, like I viscerally felt it watching her. So the idea that you need to self-regulate can be such a self-sabotaging kind of belief and idea that we can pick up when we're talking about nervous system regulation because it's actually co-regulation.

So you can co-regulate by, uh, talking to a friend. Now, if you don't have that kind of support system in your life, I understand. I have been there. I get it. I have gone no contact with family. I have left communities that I was born and raised in. Um, I have, you know, distanced myself from, from harmful, toxic things and been left standing there saying, "Nope, there's nobody left.

I feel alone." Right? And I also, through those [00:14:00] times, usually had one person that I could turn to. So if you think right now, pause for a moment. Is there somebody in your life that feels safe? Somebody in your life that you can say, "Hey, I'm having a hard time"? And this is where like the vulnerability kind of comes in, in order to build that relationship.

I remember- Um, having, I might have talked about this before, but having a moment where a relationship, like a friendship that, a connection that I had, um, there-- something awful happened in it, and I felt utterly alone, and I was blaming myself and all of that downward spiral, right? And I made a conscious choice to...

'Cause there was one person in my life that I was like, "This person feels safe," but we weren't kind of like at that level, right? And I reached out, and I was vulnerable, and I said, "Hey, I'm having a hard time, and I'm really internalizing all of this stuff, and I'm believing these things about myself. Do you see these things as true about me?

I need to hear it from someone else. [00:15:00] Do you see these things as true?" And guess what? That lovely person responded and was so kind and so loving, and the next time I saw her was the next day, and she gave me a massive hug, and it built our friendship. It connected us deeper and deeper, and we continued to have that relationship years later.

So sometimes there is a little bit of vulnerability involved. But do you see how that's co-regulation? Yeah, it took me reaching out, but it's co-regulation. That is-- Like, this is not me trying to do a sales pitch. I am just being honest with you about why I have created the offers that I've created. First of all, podcasting, the same way that those deers can look at that deer that just heard that scary sound, right?

Maybe it was just even a tree br- tree branch, like cracking, right? Like with a foot, so not everyone heard it. But everyone notices the physiology, right? The same way that my tone of voice over a podcast, like that's the same thing, can feel safe, [00:16:00] can feel like you can rest and be at ease, can feel humorous.

You can laugh along with me when I say stupid things or, you know, whatever, right? It's, it's the same kind of like shared attunement. It's the same way that when you do feel relaxed and safe, that your kids can start to feel relaxed and safe. Again, it's not your fault. It's not you You're, you're not the problem, right?

It's not you not being enough that's causing your kids to feel stressed out, and it's not you not doing enough, and it's you not-- Or it's... Sorry, it's not you, like, not self-regulating enough. It really comes down to starting with co-regulation. A lot of people reach out to me telling me how much the podcast has meant to them, even though I haven't recorded an episode in a year.

I still get people reaching out to me all the time. I mean, gosh, I haven't recorded an episode, and there's still hundreds of downloads every week. Like, there's moms all over the world [00:17:00] listening to this, and I know it, and I know that it's supportive to you and that-that's why I do it. It's also why I, um, created, like...

The, the program that I created in Own Your Breastfeeding Story, as much as I teach you, because I believe that psychoeducation or education about psychology and about your own psychology and what's happening with you is super important, and research shows that it's super important, so I do teach in it.

But I designed it so that you would feel regulation, so that you would experience co-regulation even just in the content and then in the coaching calls. So the coaching calls aren't me just telling you to do more. They're not me just being practical, showing you, "Oh, well, change this and change that." No, it's visceral.

It's experienced. Because here's the other part of nervous system regulation is that your, um, nervous system, I don't wanna get too technical here, so I'm gonna try, like, almost [00:18:00] speaking in a metaphor about it, but your nervous system, it's almost like a muscle that gets toned or, like, something that gets shaped.

And when you are, um, constantly in a state of stress, it's more likely that it's shaped, for lack of a better word, to stress, right? And so then your kids' nervous systems are gonna end up matching your shape. Again, this is not your fault, and this is very wise. We were created to match each other's shapes, right?

So the more that you're around people who can co-regulate with you, the more that your nervous system gets shaped for safety, gets shaped for love, gets shaped for play, for calm. And so I am bringing to you co-regulation that has been brought to me, I'm gonna start [00:19:00] getting teary-eyed here, but by many people in my life who have shaped my nervous system for regulation, for peace, for love, for play for hope, right?

Even in dangerous and scary situations. And it doesn't mean that like, hey, you get that get up and go when you need to get up and go, and I'm not saying anything is bad or wrong for you experiencing that. It's very real. It's very important. It's very wise. Um, but then I get to bring that co-regulation to you.

I get to bring that regulation to you, and you get to hang around, and your nervous system starts to get shaped for safety, right? I'm using my hands as if I'm shaping things, not that you guys can see it. This is a longer episode than I meant for it to be. But those are three ways that I see that nervous system regulation and the talk about it and the, like, you know, being in that world can sabotage.

And I, I [00:20:00] do think that there's a lot of reasons for that. You know, a lot of awful things. But I don't wanna get into that because actually we can, we can regulate. We can find a sense of community, a sense of belonging, right? A sense of peace, a sense of knowing that you're a part of something, that you're held.

And when you experience that, you can bring that to your children. And guess what? It's not by doing more. It's by being. It's just by being who you are. And, and gosh, there's so many more things that I can say about this, but I'm gonna leave it at that for now. Um, I would love to hear from you. Please, please send me an email.

I have a text line now. I don't even think that I've spoken about that. Um, I don't have the number memorized, so I'm just gonna quickly, uh, see if I can pull it up so that I can remind you what it is. But I'll definitely have it in the show notes. Um, but the text line is[00:21:00]

289-272-5027. So if you're in North America, um, you can text me at that line. I think it, it might work for anywhere, but for sure for, in North America. Um, and I will text you back. I mean, sometimes it glitches and I don't hear the text or I don't get the notifications right away, but I will text you back, I promise.

Um, 'cause that's what I'm, I'm here for you. This is what I love to do. I get, I get just as much of, out of these communities as you do, right? We co-regulate together. We're all in this, in this together. We're part of something. This is a community. Um, so if you feel like joining Moms of Milk Village where I get to, like, this is what I've created to do that, uh, I have really flexible pricing options at the moment.

You can check that all out, um, in the show notes. It'll be ownyourparentingstory.com/mmv or /join. Um, either one should take you to the information about that. I do have doors closing, um, [00:22:00] tomorrow, May 26th at midnight, um, Eastern Daylight Time. So if you wanna hop in now, you can. Uh, I, and my intention is to open the doors again in about three or four months.

But I do homeschool my kids, and I do have chronic illness, and I do, um, run a business, and my husband also owns a business, runs a business, and I help out with his, and I have other work too. So, um, I always prioritize my own well-being and my kids' well-being first, and so I don't make promises that I will open the doors in three or four months, but that is my intention at the moment.

Okay, it was lovely to be back sharing and talking with you, and I'm gonna get this episode out right now to you. Um, please, please send me an email, DM me on Instagram. I would love to chat with you, and I hope that this was supportive. I hope it wasn't confusing. I have a lot to share, and I'm not sure that I was able to communicate it all, but yeah.

All right, I'll see you next time.