EP 2: Get Appreciated, Nick!

Summary

This podcast episode features Maria and her partner Nick, who reflect on their long-standing friendship and eventual romantic relationship, discussing their shared history, values, and life experiences. They explore their early teenage years, their complex social circles, and the transition from friends to partners, culminating in their marriage and raising children together. The episode dives deeply into themes of emotional honesty, growth, mental health, societal expectations, and polyamory, offering a raw, authentic, and humorous glimpse into how they navigated personal and relational challenges. They reflect on their contrasting personalities—Maria’s directness and ambition versus Nick’s compassion, patience, and steadiness—and how these differences complement and support each other in both their personal and professional lives. Throughout, they emphasize the importance of communication, respect, honesty, curiosity, and intentional living, underscoring that relationships require ongoing work, adaptability, and mutual support.

Highlights

• 🎙️ Maria and Nick share their story from teenage friendship to marriage and parenting.
• 👫 They discuss navigating mental health, emotional honesty, and polyamory in their relationship.
• 🤝 Their complementary personalities—Maria’s directness and ambition vs. Nick’s patience and compassion—form a strong partnership.
• 🎓 Both reflect on childhood, family expectations, and the challenges of societal pressure, especially regarding gender roles and immigrant cultures.
• 💡 They explore core values including honesty, respect, freedom, curiosity, and social justice.
• 😂 Humor and playfulness are a vital part of their relationship and how they create safe emotional spaces.
• 🌍 They recount meaningful experiences, including a honeymoon in Ireland and the slow building of their committed partnership.

Transcript

00:03
 Thank you.


00:13
 Hello, all, and welcome to the second episode of the Get Appreciated podcast. So today, oh, I am your host, Maria. But today we have our guest, Nick. He's going to be our special guest host. And Nick is a fellow educator. He's a musician, a self-proclaimed soft boy, a father, and least interestingly, he is also my partner. So we happen to


00:43
 live together and raise children together and work together hey thanks for having me on the podcast i really appreciate it yeah i know it was really difficult to arrange our schedule i know i know but i'm a i'm a huge fan of the show so and you know a long time listener so of our one episode right absolutely just i've been listening to it just the one over and over so


01:08
 It should be noted that Nick actually listens to my other podcast, Lost Girls Podcast. I do. And wrote and composed both the theme songs for that podcast and for this one. So.


01:25
 i still have to finish the one for this one but yes obviously because apparently according to nick it's missing drums and i am not a musician so i'm just like i don't know i think it sounds great but sure if you want to record some drums let's go i mean i would that's you know the perfectionist in me so


01:45
 That's true. That's true. So on our last episode, I talked with my bestie, Becky, who is also your friend. Right. And we talked about mental health and so much mental health and so many things and the purge, as we called it. Yeah.


02:07
 of new york city yeah yeah yeah no it was it was the purge of new york city absolutely um but we'll just call it the uh friendship quality control that we went through um but it feels really good that we are now all in a place where we're very like open and emotionally honest and we can all trust each other


02:29
 yeah it definitely feels good to you know i don't think i've ever been this open with a group of friends before especially you know because the friends that i had were very judgmental and you know like if you made any kind of like it showed any kind of vulnerability it was like oh you know oh i remember yeah no i'm sure you do um but it was always very very judgmental and it didn't feel like a safe space ever


02:56
 So it feels good to actually have a group of friends now that I can be like that with. Yeah. It should be noted that aside from Nick and I being married for...


03:09
 almost 14 years we have known each other since high school right um and so i am familiar with his group of friends um and he was familiar with mine some of whom we have kept in touch with those who were not problematic


03:29
 Do you want to talk about how we met? Yeah. I think we should absolutely talk about how we became friends and what that friendship looked like, especially in contrast to the rest of the friendships that you had at the time and that I had at the time. Because I also was not a soft person.


03:54
 or nice person or really super emotionally open or available um just due to my own super fun family trauma but so um mine and nick's best friends at the time really liked each other and prom was coming up because


04:19
 high school it seems so income and like inconsequential now even though we teach high school but then it was like oh my god we're going to prom um and i it's a big event for sure high school kids yeah yeah i was supposed to go to prom with nick's uh best friend ryan um because he was just like my bro and i did i wanted like a low stakes just friend date um


04:47
 And he and I knew that he was like super secretly crushing on my best friend, Natalie. And I was like, this is perfect. You come to prom with me. Hopefully she dumps her shit boyfriend. He will inevitably disappoint her. And, you know, you'll be there. Yeah.


05:10
 So here's me like masterminding or attempting to mastermind this whole thing. It's like just like a fucking shitty 17 year old. Needless to say, my plan worked far sooner than anticipated because I'm a witch. And they started dating January, February of our senior year. And I was like, fuck yeah. But it left me without a prom date. And both of them were very gracious. They were like, we really want to go to prom together. And I was like, oh my God.


05:39
 do not worry about it i'm so i have been gunning for this relationship for months now yeah um i was like this has been like my friendship goal i was like don't even worry about it's gonna be awesome i'll just go and we're all gonna have a great time um and it was ryan who did was ryan who suggested it though yes ryan was like oh why don't you just go with my friend nick and


06:08
 unbeknownst to me he like volunteered me for it yeah the nick did not know fuck all about this um then i was like i don't know i mean like i barely know him he seems fine um he works across the plaza i worked at stop and shop and he worked at right aid um super cool vest oh you did have a super cool vest oh my god it was so cool yeah i just had a green polo but whatever um and i was like okay like i don't need a date but if it'll make you


06:37
 guys more comfortable sure um so by this time it was like april yeah it was it wasn't long it was like it was it was a few weeks beforehand before prom um because prom was the day before my birthday so


06:56
 Which was in May. Like our listeners don't. Yeah, you guys don't know that. So my birthday is the first week of May. Every episode of Get Appreciated, there's going to be Fred shaking his text. Yeah, there's just going to be a dog. It's fine. Sound. He's going to be our unofficial official mascot. So probably like two or three weeks before prom, which is no time at all. I marched my ass across the plaza and walked into Rite Aid.


07:26
 and was like hey you're nick right i was like yeah you know or whatever you know my shitty 17 year old or no i wasn't no you were like i was like i was like 20 no i wasn't you weren't 20 yet i wasn't 20 yet i was 19 at the time you were still 19 yeah


07:46
 so I walked over and I was like you know I'm friends with Natalie she's dating Ryan and Nick was like yeah and I was like so they're going to prom together do you want to come to prom with me it's in a couple weeks I bought the ticket you don't have to use it whatever


08:01
 I was like, okay. All right. This sounds cool. I was like, all right. Sick. I'm wearing a purple dress. And that was literally it. Yeah. And then you, like, fucked off. And then I fucked off. I was like, I'm going home. And I just finished my shift. Just worked a six-hour shift. Yeah. I just, you know. And then I talked to Ryan about it. And, you know, like, because he was like, and then he was like, I think you preempted him talking to me. Like, you coming over, I think, preempted that. Yeah.


08:30
 And you were like, oh, hey, you know, like, let me, you know, introduce myself and everything. And then he talked to me about it after. He's like, oh, you know, it's going to be fun. And it's like, you know, all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And then Ryan was like, no, no, no, no. Maria's cool. You'll like her. She's like, not really a girl. Yeah. Yeah.


08:49
 used to say that about me all the time yeah I'm like you get that just because we're friends you don't have to classify me as not really a girl he's like it's like a dude chick you know yeah I mean also not wrong right just a girl with really big dick energy yeah bde but uh so you know and then I uh I it was actually my sister because I was like it was like I want to say like three days or something beforehand I said um


09:18
 It should be noted that Nick's sister and I were in the same grade. Right. I said, I like mentioned like, kind of like not in directly to her, but in passing, I was like, I don't know. I don't want to go. And, uh, she was, and she was like, you are going to go. Yeah.


09:34
 Like you are going to get your ass out of the, you know, out of whatever funk this is. And you're going to like, you're going to get a vest for that, for that thing that you have. And like, and then you're, and you're going to like, so I had a black suit. Yeah. And she's like, so you're going to get a, like a silver vest. You're going to go like, and you're going to pay for it and everything. And I was like, shout out, shout out to Valerie, wherever she may be in the afterlife. Um, and so like, I was like, uh, yeah. So like I, you know, so I was like, okay, fine, fine. Okay.


10:04
 So then I went and got a silver vest from Ben's Warehouse. It was so silver. Oh, my God. Chrome. It was chrome. It was really chrome. And...


10:16
 yeah and then i took her i took her to prom yeah and we had we had a great time yeah um we definitely had what the kids now would call a situationship i don't i wouldn't call what we did dating yeah not really we just kind of hung out and made out with each other for a couple weeks and then we were like cool that's it um and then we stopped doing that


10:39
 Right. It just sort of, it sort of fizzled, you know, and we kind of, you know, there's the one day in my car where I was like, I was like, maybe we should just be friends. I was like, Oh, thank God. Yeah. Yeah. It was the best breakup ever. Cause it wasn't even a breakup. Yeah. It was so, it was so like, um,


10:54
 I think it was both of us being like, let's not be beholden. Right. I don't think either one of us wanted to be beholden. And I was graduating high school and going to college. And even though I wasn't moving away, I was commuting, you were trying to make it big with your band. I was trying to make my band, man. It's going to make it still. Still might make it. Still might.


11:14
 Still, even though everyone's doing different things now. Sure, sure, sure. Everyone's spread across the East Coast, but you'll definitely still make it. They're all over the place, but you know what? It's real soon. We're going to get back together. Yeah, any day now. It's going to happen any day now. Any day.


11:30
 dear god so so anyway um so nick and i went our separate ways i guess but also not really because we had a a venn diagram overlap of friendships especially with my friend natalie dating his best friend ryan


11:50
 Even though our core group of friends were not the same, our extended group of friends was and we often ended up at the same parties and things like that.


12:00
 I should also note real quick that I eventually left Reddit and went to stop a job to start working there. So then I was working in the deli while you were working in florist. That's true. We worked in a brief period because then you left. I did. I went because I needed more hours and more money to pay for college. So I went and worked at a local banquet facility because I got paid more and I got more hours. I could work like 50 hours from Thursday to Sunday. It was great. Um,


12:30
 But yeah, so during our college years, you know, and Nick and I both moved on and had other relationships with other people, which was, you know, whatever it was, it was great. But we did often end up at parties together. And at those parties, we always ended up like gravitating towards each other.


12:51
 Not in a hook-up way. I feel like that needs to be stated. Just in a, oh, thank God, there's another person here I can talk to. Another sane person to talk to. Another sane person here I can talk to. Because that was also at a time when I didn't drink alcohol at the time. Nope. You were very straight edge. Yeah. And very bitchy about it. Oh, I was insufferable about it. Yeah. It was...


13:17
 You know, like, I kind of want to find myself, like, I would like to go back in time and find myself at that time and just punch me square in the face. Yeah. And just be like, dude, get over yourself. Yeah. I did drink, but drinking was never a huge, like, it never had a huge appeal for me. So I would, like, you know, have a beer or two and then be like, okay, I need to find, like, a sober person in the room to fucking have a conversation with because I'm bored out of my goddamn mind. Right, because everybody would just be drunk.


13:44
 every yes parties parties that we're referring to are like they would be like ragers yeah where everybody would just people were so wasted you know i think at one party like somebody like just started peeing on on the like the oh and beer pong table yeah that was fun so i mean whatever they were what they were this was the early 2000s cast yeah


14:08
 But Nick and I often ended up kind of talking to each other at these parties over these years because, one, he was funny. And he was always funny. But, two, he was also sane and, like, semi-intellectual where I was like, oh, cool. I know I can have a conversation with him and I'm not going to be bored out of my fucking mind. Right.


14:33
 I also respected what you did. Like, I think there was a lot of like, cause you were, you know, becoming a teacher. Yeah. And I was a real bitch to people. Yeah. Well, but I mean like, but I, there was not even that, but like there was, again, we, we have to mention there was, you know, some judgmental people that, you know, would be like, well, why would you want to be a teacher and all this kind of stuff? And then I had no problem putting bitches in their place. Right. And so there was often, you know, like,


15:00
 you know, aggressive things. Yeah. And I had very good and close college friends, um, who I had made at college, who I am still friends with to this day. Um,


15:16
 And, oh, I should really contact Rich and have him on the podcast. That's a good idea. Write that down. I should write that down. Because he was my best friend in college and is still one of my best friends. But I used to get a lot of shit for not having, like, close girlfriends. Because Natalie really was, like, my only close girlfriend. And I was like...


15:41
 I'm a woman in a tech and engineering program. It's not like there's a lot of girls with shared interests around me. A lot of dudes. A lot of dudes. And if I was around girls, it was like they're girlfriends and they, you know, were not interested in the same things. So it was difficult, but...


16:03
 Also, you had, I should note as well, you had absolutely no patience for drama or any of that stuff. No, I still don't. No. When girls would be like, again, going back to these parties again. Oh, yeah. Like when it would be those like crying drunk girls. I'm out. But he's not talking to me or whatever. And you would just be like, oh, my God.


16:24
 I'd be like, why do you just fucking dump him? Do you not get? I was like, you're the prize. I'm out of here. Very little patience. Very little patience. I did eventually learn how to have female friendships. Thank God. As evidenced by Becky. As evidenced, yes. And still friends with Natalie. Friend of the show, Becky. Friend of the show.


16:50
 Yes. Ultimate first episode guest. So, yes, I did eventually learn how to do that. But I, yeah, my patience was very short and my schedule was very full and my stresses were very high.


17:05
 And, yeah, I was not an altogether pleasant person to be around. I was incredibly driven, incredibly ambitious and really suffered no fools on that path. And so I knew at a lot of these parties, I'd be like, a lot of these assholes are just going to piss me the fuck off or they're going to get so drunk. And I'm like, and I don't understand. Like, I came from an immigrant family where drinking was like not a big deal. Yeah.


17:33
 Like, it gave me a lot of other fucking trauma. But drinking was never... It was like, yeah, have a glass of wine or have this. And it was never like, I'm just going to drink to get drunk. Like, I never understood the impulse. It's a very American kind of impulse. Yes, it is. It is a very American impulse. Yeah. Which would probably explain the rampant alcoholism. Although addiction is a real disease. So... True. But anyway. So...


17:59
 nick and i would always end up around each other at these parties i we would make what we colloquially called beer runs and we would go to like the local walmart and get a six pack of the glass root beer bottles oh yeah the ones that yeah with the pop tops and everything with the pop tops and everything and then we'd sit there at the party with our like six pack of air quotes root beer yeah


18:26
 Or cream soda and just like... Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, man, we're fucking wasted. Wasted on root beer. Oh, man. Feeling the sugar just plowing through my... And then, you know, I'd be like, why aren't you getting wasted? And I'd be like, I have like a 10-page research paper to write. And it's due tomorrow. And it's due tomorrow. And I'm still here. Like, I'm going to go home. I'm going to bang it out. I'm going to go to bed.


18:54
 It's like, you gotta stay sharp or get sloppy. And I was always sharp. I didn't learn how to get sloppy until later. But that's a different story. Another episode. Just another episode. We just caught Maria get sloppy. Tune in next week for Maria get sloppy. God, that's horrible. Nobody wants to listen to that.


19:17
 A lot of poor decision making. I don't know that it is. It doesn't matter. There he goes. So. Right. So then after college, I became a teacher and started working and it was fine. And I was like, cool. I was finally on my own. I had my own apartment. Yeah.


19:42
 um and i had a really good group of friends um of girlfriends too and i was like yeah fucking killing it i had a like continuous on again off again relationship with a person that was kind of a hot mess that didn't work out who shall remain nameless who shall remain nameless um oh remain nameless is such a good fanfic shout out but anyway um


20:08
 true fans now so um and then i began dating uh another man and we actually ended up engaged and actually nick met him i think at a party or two


20:25
 No, we met at like, it was like a fair. It was like the, we went to like the Berlin Fair or something. Yeah, the Durham Fair. I don't know. He like really, he really fashioned himself a redneck. Minus his like private school education and his very rich parents. And it was fine. It was whatever. It was the persona that he liked.


20:44
 um he was a nice guy super nice oh my god we talked about fishing and you know not a long conversation but we definitely had uh you know we definitely had uh like a it was a good conversation i was like yeah he's a nice guy yeah and he was and i'm assuming still is but don't know um then i eventually broke up with him because i realized i did not want my life mapped out at 24 and i was like this is terrifying gross get out of here


21:09
 And, you know, dated around, sowed my oats. Really big thing for me. Steel cut oats. Steel cut oats. That's part of the Maria gets sloppy episode. Seriously, tune in next week, guys. Don't. I mean, listen to this episode and any other posted episodes. That's going to be put on the Patreon.


21:38
 Maria gets sloppy oh sweet Jesus just yeah recounting my adventures as like a budding bisexual and like I will say that's one thing that used to like keep me it's probably also probably why I didn't have a lot of female friends in college was because all of the tech and engineering majors all the guys that I was friends with a lot of them were shady boyfriends to their girlfriends and so I would console them


22:07
 And make out with them. It's stupid. It's stupid. Let's just make out. Let's just make out about it. My God, it'd be so funny. Wouldn't it be so funny and stupid? I was never like that, but also a little like that. I almost did your girl. That'd be crazy, wouldn't it? Yeah. Anyway. Yikes.


22:31
 We're already off the rails on this. I don't even remember what we were talking about. I don't know. But we're 20 minutes in and nothing real has happened. Yeah. Other than you found out a bunch of bullshit about me that maybe I shouldn't be publicizing. Anyway, four years after I graduated college, Nick and I ended up at the... Oh, wait for it.


22:50
 baptism of the child of the couple i fucking set up for prom so our friends ryan and natalie ended up married because boom i am just that good and also they love each other and blah blah blah sure sure whatever all the credit goes to me obviously yeah


23:08
 Oh, real quick, jumping back one second. We also saw each other at the wedding. That's true. At their wedding. And Nick foul balled it so hard. I beefed it real hard. He did beef it real hard. But anyway, I sang at the wedding. That was like my gift. I was part of the wedding party and you were there. You looked fantastic. I sure did.


23:28
 And we, and again, we, we also like, we're very, it was very similar to the parties, right? We, we like, we gravitate towards each other. We joked, we laughed, we sat with each other and, uh, we both, uh, walked promptly away from when they were throwing the bouquet. Oh yeah. Which really should have been a sign.


23:48
 Yeah, that whole thing. Like, there were certain, like, cringey things that, like, we just, like, or that we found cringey. Yeah. They're not cringey. Yeah, whatever. People enjoy what they enjoy. But, like, we were just, we were like, ooh, I don't, you know, I don't like that. And also because we were, you know, young. Idiots. Judgmental people. Yeah, no, 100%. And so, but then, you know, like, there was another girl who was there who was, like, really...


24:16
 It was not about trying to, like, bring me home. But it was definitely about... She was just, like, one of those girls that wants to compete with other women. For no reason. For no reason. Yeah. And that's fine. There's those girls. And... So, yeah. So she was, like, all up in next business. And I'm like, okay. I'm not...


24:39
 yeah i'm not doing this this is not whatever i was like cool cool i'm leaving i'm going i straight up went home um yeah and then i wound up uh like try like you know like i was very much like like not like trying to hook up with her but like you know like but it was like we were it's like oh we're caught up in the moment and then she was like no and i was like


25:04
 no she just she just wanted to win yeah and she did i went home yeah yeah and then i was like oh okay and then i felt like i was like oh i beefed it real hard like i felt stupid all over um and then interesting nothing good happens when girls compete with girls no it's not and then i went to another wedding the next day and sang in another wedding um because i was a


25:30
 But yeah, and then, but then the, get back to the baptism. So then the baptism happened, I don't know, a year-ish, probably about a year, a couple years later. And I was photographing the event because apparently Nick and I just have skills that our friends like to exploit or that we offer as gifts. Right, as gifts. Yeah. Yeah.


25:52
 um so i was so i photographed the baptism which was great uh i'm so happy for them they had a baby and i was like fuck yeah we did this and i did this whatever um and nick was there and i was like oh he looks adorable in his suit um


26:10
 And we talked much like we did in the past. And I only had to photograph the church part. So then we went to the after party. And then I was just a guest. And we hung out at the after party. And that was a lot. It definitely felt like something shifted. I don't know if it was because we were older. I don't know. You had grown up quite a bit between the last time I had seen you.


26:39
 I was like, oh, Nick seems, I don't know, more mature, more something. I had a real steady job. I wasn't working at a retail job anymore. I had a legit job at a company. I was wearing a suit. I was put together. It's really just put together men. It really does it for. And before everybody goes shouting gold digger.


27:09
 Yeah, I have always made more than Nick. Yeah, not even close. Yeah. So I wound up, but yeah, like, where I felt it, we're actually in the church, and you're like, oh, hey, like, when we saw each other for the first time, and we hugged, and I literally felt a spark. Like, it actually, like, you might have just, it might have just been static or something, but you, like, I literally felt like a spark, and I was like, oh, wow.


27:36
 okay okay yeah okay okay and um i offered to hold your lens cap i remember you did you're like do you need me to hold your lens cap i was like sure because my pants didn't have pockets yeah and you're like hold it all right i held the lens cap and then uh at the party afterwards we were sitting on the


27:57
 we're just sitting on the couch sitting on the couch and it there could have been like a marching band or a fire or like wouldn't matter a dragon that landed in the that living room and it wouldn't have mattered neither one of us like we're paying attention to anything that was around us and that's funny because there were conversations that like were happening like directly around us and they kept trying to like drag us in and we'd be like mm-hmm


28:21
 we're like yeah that's great okay cool and then we would just keep talking which is i don't know in retrospect probably rude and i don't think either one of us were like consciously no doing it like i don't remember consciously being like fuck these bitches i only wanted to like i don't remember that yeah no um i just remember being drawn in and then i had to leave to go to another party nick famously texts me hey do you want to come over later for pizza and watch tv


28:50
 Not realizing at the time how insulting my offer of what I called pizza was.


28:59
 to you to an italian immigrant who was raised in pizza restaurants yeah no probably not oh my god um i don't even remember the pizza restaurant but it was like but it was like you know like very it like counted as pizza it was like it was like a dominoes or uh something like that i don't think it was like it wasn't like a chain chain but it was like something it was a local place but it wasn't


29:23
 it wasn't like high quality or anything no um and so like but i ordered so we we went to the party i was she had kind of like given me like a half invitation to the to the party that you were going to yeah and i kind of like because i was up in my head and like i got caught in other conversations or something like that she left and i was like well all right yeah


29:46
 apparently that's my thing huh I just thought fuck off she just like she left and I was like oh I guess that's not happening and so then I drove home um and uh and that's when I was like I was like you know what no I'm gonna I'm gonna send her a text so I texted her you know it's like hey you want to come over for pizza and watch the tv or whatever and uh I ordered the pizza and it took how long did it take me to make to make a move oh


30:14
 three hours? I don't even know. Too long. Because that text, that is a booty call text. Like, please come over. And I was like, now I know what I'm getting myself into. That's cool. Alright, let's go. But then, no, there was actual pizza and we watched TV. I'm not a liar. No. No, you are not. It was as advertised. It was as advertised. It also should be noted that almost there was like a


30:45
 eight-ish months prior i had also gone over to nick's apartment because it was halloween and our friends had a big party and i went and nick didn't want to go because it was um it was one year anniversary of my sister's uh death yeah she she died and so like it was and it was like it was like that weekend yeah it was that weekend and it was the first anniversary of it yeah and so i was like you know i had gotten like a half-assed costume and i was like uh


31:13
 Yeah. I don't really want to go to this. Yeah. And a lot of our friends at the party were like, oh, Nick's not coming. That's lame. And I was like, um, is it? The man's grieving. His fucking sister died. Yeah. I was like, you think you could extend a little empathy, you know? And some of the people there were just like, oh, it'll make him feel better at a party. I'm like, I...


31:33
 I think y'all heel different. Yeah. Right. You know, it's a much different. Yeah. So then I was like, fuck this. And I left the party and I went to Nick's apartment and then we legitimately just sat and watched TV and I just, you know, comforted him and we didn't, there was nothing. There was just a friend supporting a friend in a shit and difficult time.


31:58
 yeah we just we we we talked we laughed you know we joked around we watched i think how i met your mother because i was on yes i had dvds at the time hell yeah um and uh and then it was the same thing after you know like this thing you came over and i think we were still watching how i met your mother probably yeah well new season um but uh we were watching that and then it you know like you said three hours so like it was probably about three hours in of like sitting eating pizza and then like sitting on the couch


32:28
 yeah and like normally i am not and i'm sure everything about my personality screams well why didn't you just make the first move because typically i have no problem doing that right um but it felt like nick needed to um then i don't know you could like see him working up to it in his head it was really cute


32:54
 Yeah, it really was like, and like in my head, it's just like, you know, like there there's, I had two voices in there. There was one voice going like, it's like, are you, are you going to do anything there, bro? And then the other voice is just like, well, if you do something and then it ruins, what if it ruins everything? What if it ruins your entire life? You know? And then, and so then that's of course what's happening. And, um,


33:19
 But then it eventually – I think you gave me the slightest of nudges. I did. Where you're like, are you going to kiss me or something like that? I think that's what you said. I did ask. I was like, so you're going to like –


33:34
 kiss me or should i go because it was a school night yeah yeah sunday night it was sunday night like the sunday night of april break like i had to go back to school the next day after having a week off and i had been on a road trip with one of my friends i was exhausted and i was like this motherfucker better make it worth my time what are we doing here


33:55
 What are we doing? It's like, either shit or get off the pod. Shit or get off the pod. I was basically like, if not, that's cool. This has not been time wasted. I like hanging out with you. That's fine. Whatever. And then he did, and then whatever. And then we got married a year later. Yeah. And then we started... So then we started dating. Ow. Because, like, that week was actually my birthday. It was. And, like... It's so weird. Yeah. Like, we...


34:24
 we had done like we like really fast forwarded yeah a relationship and like yeah yeah it was like and then on the first date i met your like entire family yeah that's how guineas do um so i met your entire family on the first uh the first time i met um what is what is that i don't know i gotta turn it off though


34:55
 Keep going. All right. So like, but yeah, I met the...


35:00
 I met your entire family on the first date. You know, I had met them briefly, you know, when I picked you up for prom. But, like, it wasn't, like, a real interaction. No, and my dad just yelled in Italian. Right. So... I don't even remember what he... I never... I don't think I ever knew. I think you... I told you a couple times what he said. But it was more threatening. You don't really want to know. I don't remember what it was. But I was just kind of like, oh, Jesus. But, anyway, like, I...


35:29
 I wound up – yeah, like we fast-tracked the whole thing. You did. Well, because it was your birthday and then it was like – It was your birthday. Well, no. Before that, it was your stepfather's birthday. Oh, yeah. And we went – I went out with him and his family for his stepfather's birthday. Yeah, we met like – well, because – well. Nick's mom – shout out to Leslie –


35:50
 Oh, God, I would love for her to do the podcast. Yeah. I love her so much. Yeah. She was like, since Nick and I had gone to prom, she had been pushing Nick to be like, you should ask Maria out. You guys belong together. Ask Maria out.


36:08
 Yeah, she's been, like, for, like, eight years. It was like, I was like, well, what's going on with Maria? You know, like, every... And sometimes it was like, Maria has a boyfriend. Maria's not in the country. Maria's, yeah, Maria's, she's not interested, you know, or whatever it is. You know, like, I, you know, anything to, you know, it just got to a point where I was just, I was just trying to, um...


36:28
 you know placate her at some point but like but it really when i when i told her that we had like gotten together she like she was like she started like cheering and like and then she like i remember she went running uh she went running out the front door because my my stepfather was mowing the lawn


36:48
 And she was like, Gary, come here. Come here. And so he pulls the lawnmower up to the thing. And then she's like – and I could hear her. She's like, Nick and Maria got together. I think she said they went on a date and I was like – But then he said – but then I heard him go, oh, that's wonderful or whatever. Yeah, because he was the best. Yeah, and then –


37:14
 There was, like, a whole – but anyway, so, yeah, that whole week was, like, very fast-tracked. Right. So, Sierra's birthday, then my birthday. Yeah. We went on, like, our first date on that, like, Saturday. This is after all of this. Like, we had, like, gotten together, like, three times that week. I slept over on your birthday. On my birthday, yeah. And then Monday, I think –


37:37
 Yeah, because I think you slept over on my birthday, which was like Friday night, I feel like. And then Saturday was the first date. That's right. And I was like, all right, I should probably go back to my apartment to get ready for our first date. Yeah. And then we went to the cheesecake. Well, we went to the Daffodil Festival. Yep. First. And then we went to Cheesecake Factory. And we went back to your parents' house.


38:04
 Well, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then there was more threatening in Italian. But for the most part, it was good. Yeah. Drank coffee and ate cheesecake and stuff. Yeah. Good times. And the... And the rest is history, as I say. Yeah. I do. Oh, my God, Fred. Wow. We spent 38 minutes...


38:27
 talking about a convoluted story i really was just trying to talk about how we were friends first and i was like oh this is it'll take like a quick 10 nope i'm a fucking idiot no that's fine it is what it is it is what it is and our story is fucking adorable so listen to it don't listen to it that's fine um also just download the episode even if you don't like it


38:48
 Just put it on in the background. You don't need to be listening to it. Just put it on in the background. Put it on for your animals and leave the house. Right. If you're vacuuming, if you're watching TV, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just put it on. But yeah, we can have a conversation about values. We were talking about that before and how we are now of the age where a lot of the people in our friend groups who had gotten married are now getting divorced. Right.


39:18
 Well, do you want me to talk about initially how, like, the marriage came about? Like, so, like, really what happened was we had been dating. That's true. We dated for, like... Well, I moved in at six months. Yep. Six months. Six months I moved in. And it was like... Didn't tell my parents. And you didn't tell me. That's not true. You were just sort of, like, just slowly... I would get home from work and, like, more of your stuff would be there. Yeah.


39:48
 Because she would always get out of work before me because she's a teacher. So she would get out at like 2.30 or whatever. And I was working until like 5. And so I would get home and there would just be more stuff. And you were just like, oh, I'm just moving it just for now. Just for this week? It was like clothes or whatever. And then one day there was like a table. My table was like somewhere else. And then your table was there. And I'm like...


40:14
 I moved your table into your mom's basement. Right. And your mom was like, yeah, bring your shit over. I was like, you know, I was like, that's, um. That's not my table. I was like, yeah, well, your table sucks. So I brought my table over. Right. Yeah. Like your coffee maker, your everything. So like it slowly moved in. And then eventually it was like, it was like, yeah, no, I'm, I'm actually legitimately moving in. I didn't say I was moving in. We had a conversation about it. Right.


40:40
 yeah no i mean yeah right we did we had a conversation like you know it's like and then you were like because you were month to month at your i was i was and then you wound up so you moved moving into my place and then we we had been planning a vacation for our one year anniversary right we were like oh let's go to ireland right we wanted we both wanted to go to ireland and so that was like a big thing and i was like oh man i really want to go and she's like yeah so do i


41:08
 I was like, fuck it. Let's go. It'll be super fun. We'll celebrate. Yeah. And that was a big thing too, because like I, I talked with my, I, my sister and I had that same talk. Like we wanted to, we wanted to go to Ireland. She's like, when I get better. Yeah. We, I want to go to Ireland and then she wound up, you know, not getting better and she died. Um, and so it was kind of also like a, you know, like a, I wanted to do it for her as well. It's like a personal quest. Right. It was, it was definitely like a, a, a place that like a, something I wanted to check off a bucket list kind of thing. And, uh,


41:39
 And then it was like, we were eight months in. Was it eight months? Or was it seven months? It was seven months. Seven months in. We had been living together for like all of two, three weeks. Right. Yeah. Seven months in. She had, I believe, parent-teacher conferences that night. I did. So I was at school late. Yeah. You were there till like eight or whatever. Yeah. And when she walked in the door, there were all these candles everywhere.


42:04
 Some of them were real. Some of them were, like, LED ones. Yeah. It was a lot, though. There was a lot of candles everywhere, and I... When she... When the door opened, she saw the candles, and then I had, like, queued up, like...


42:18
 i forgot some some song whatever i don't even remember some song that i don't think either one of us listen to anymore nope but uh i i queue up the song and then i walked out and then i got down on one day and did the whole um yeah i was like actually verifiably surprised like surprised


42:36
 right because you know like we and then i had so i gave her the ring she said honestly she said yes and uh pretty sure i said fuck yes yeah but it was it was awesome because like she had no idea no i really did it nick um planned with the two sneakiest sagittarius's in the family which were his mom and my dad um


43:08
 There you go. I'll just cut this part out.


43:20
 So Nick had planned with the two very sneaky Sages in the family, Sagittarius, his mom and my father. And they had concocted a plan because my father knew, like, how I could suss out the truth unknowingly.


43:42
 Not often because, you know, I've had people cheat on me and it sucks. Um, but I always, there was always like a vibe. Like I always knew something was up. Um, and Nick for all intents and purposes is a fucking terrible liar. It's true. Yeah. But, um, but Leslie and Sal are like the fucking dream team of machinations. And so, um,


44:13
 so that was great. And so I, in my mind, I had assumed Nick would, I was like, maybe he'll propose on our one year anniversary when we're in Ireland. Seems kind of perfect. Yeah. Like we'll be together a year and we'll be in Ireland. It'll be like so romantic. And I was like, not, not that I gave a shit when it happened. Um, I had already known, I think both of us were in a place where we were like, yeah, this is pretty serious. Um,


44:39
 yeah we had said I love you and the whole thing and the whole fucking yeah and that actually was initially the plan I like I mentioned you were talking to your mom about it right yeah my mom asked me like point blank like she's like are you planning like just to make an honest woman like are you planning on marrying this girl and I was just like and I was just like I mean yeah I was like but you know she asked you something because we moved in together yeah and then she was like well you know


45:09
 are you going to plan on marrying her? And you were just like, no, I am. I was like, no, it's like, that is, that's the plan. I like, I do want to do that. I was like, but like, and I had like made some sort of weird timetable for myself. I was like, well, but like, we haven't been together for a year yet. So I want to, I want to do it like on the year anniversary. And I was like, and then I can get the, like when we go to Ireland, cause that was still the plan.


45:34
 i was like when we go to ireland we go to i want to go to the cliffs of moore and do it there and and my mom was like why like shout out to leslie she's like if you know now why not just do it now why do you why are you putting that like she didn't say like this but like but it's basically like why are you putting that timetable yeah on yourself what like what what difference does it make


46:00
 And I was just like – and I had no answer for that. I was just like – I'm like – because – well, I guess – well, you know what? And then I realized I was like, yeah, I guess there really is no reason for that. That was just some sort of arbitrary thing that I decided to put on myself. And so I – at that point I –


46:24
 There was, like, one day that I went over to – I was like, oh, I'm going to help my – it's like my parents need me to come over and help, like, move furniture. Yeah, I think that's what you said. And so –


46:38
 But really what it was, I went over there to pick out a ring. Yeah. So we went, my mom and I went to, like, a couple different places, and we found a ring and everything. And then we got back, and, like, Garrett was like, hey, can you pick up that chair over there? And so I did. And he's like, all right, move it there. He's like, okay. So it's like, no, you're not lying. Yeah. He's like, you legitimately moved first. Yeah. So she's like, oh, how did it go? I'm like, great. Exactly.


47:04
 and it was and I was like okay awesome and then you also went like and how I did like the whole thing where I like talked to your dad because like that was I thought that was very important right you know not that I wasn't a self-possessed woman which my father was very aware of right um


47:23
 But I went to a teacher conference up in Massachusetts and I was gone overnight. Yeah. Which was the perfect opportunity for Nick and my father to sneaky sneaky get together. Yeah. So we met at a place and I talked to him and I was just like it was very awkward for me because like I still like I was not good at talking to people at that time. Yeah. And my dad is like was because he's dead now but was like incredibly charismatic. He could talk to anybody with his thick hair.


47:52
 accent that people couldn't understand right so I met him it was out of Dunkin Donuts and I was just like hey you know like I just you know I so I did the whole spiel like I you know I want to


48:03
 you know, my, my goal is I just want to make her happy. Yeah. You know, and he said, I didn't like, he was just like, well, I have no, it's like no notes, you know, Maria's going to do whatever Maria wants. It basically just like, he's like, I, he's like that. He's like, that makes me happy. You know, that's all, um, you know, and so that was like the whole thing, you know? Uh, and then we, and then I did the whole proposal thing. Fuck. Yeah.


48:34
 And I was very, very surprised. Right. Yep. And then we got married. Yep. No other stories. No notes. End of episode. Got married. Had kids. That was fun. It actually wasn't fun for me. There were a couple big bumps. Yeah. I will say. Our wedding was one of them. Yep.


48:58
 Not between Nick and I. Between Nick and I and everybody else. Right. Not his mom, who was like, you can just run away. She did say that. She's like, you know, you don't have to do it. Yeah. And I was like, in retrospect, we probably should have listened. But.


49:15
 Oh, my God. Because Italians. And I always wanted a small wedding. And I'm not religious. And so it wasn't in a church, which was already a huge problem. And so we didn't get married in a church, thank God. Yeah.


49:30
 Thanks, science. Thanks, science. Thanks, the universe. Whatever. But it ended up just this amalgamation of shit that either one of us didn't super care about. You also wanted a short dress. I wanted a short dress. I wanted to not wear a suit. I was going to wear a vest and something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all of it didn't wind up being what we wanted. No, none of it ended up happening. And that's fine because...


49:59
 even at the end of the day i was like a lot of my whole mindset was like i honestly don't give a shit how this day goes at the end of it i just i want to be married to nick i was like both of us were very like we just want a marriage we don't give a shit about the wedding right the wedding is for other people it wasn't really for us yeah um and it was like fine whatever


50:23
 It's frustrating because I think if we had had the ceremony and things that we wanted, it probably would have...


50:31
 It would have been like 10 people in the woods. And then we would have had like a barbecue in the backyard. Like that's really what house or whatever. Yeah. And it would have been, you know, like, but we wound up like, I think we spent as much money as we made. Cause they were like, Oh, you know, cause that was people you have to, that was the big thing with Italians. Right. It was like, you have to invite people and they're going to give you money. And I was like, okay, but we're probably just going to break even. And we did. And we did. We made exactly almost like within a hundred dollars. Yeah.


50:59
 Because I tracked everything. It was almost exactly. Yeah. Like even with, you know, whatever small amounts our parents paid for, like, you know, still a good amount of it was on us, even with a air quotes, small wedding. Right. But anyway.


51:18
 So that was not a great day, but we ended up married and that was what both of us wanted. And then we went on our honeymoon to Ireland, which was awesome. And so that actually ended up being our honeymoon. And we did go to Cliff some more, but no need to propose because we were already married. Right. That was great. Yeah, it was really awesome. And that was a kick-ass honeymoon for sure. Yeah.


51:40
 yeah that was really fun yeah that was a gift to us from Nick's aunt and uncle which was oh my god like the coolest and Nick had never been like really out of the country yeah I was on a cruise yeah once and like but it didn't it didn't feel foreign foreign yeah like it didn't feel like I was like going out of the country yeah it felt you know like because you know you're on this it's like a floating hotel and stuff so it's you know it's really it didn't feel like you know you took a trip somewhere yeah yeah it didn't feel the same


52:10
 I was happy to guide Nick on the international scene. Not that I'd ever been to Ireland, but, you know. Yeah.


52:18
 Oh, my God. We were so hungry. Oh, my God. Because the food there is... Listen, everything was beautiful. It was gorgeous. It was gorgeous. Trinity College Library. Holy shit. I would go back. I absolutely would. Sure. You cannot bring an Italian girl to Ireland and think that she's going to eat. Yeah. It was...


52:41
 It was so bad. It was so bad. I... We were there, what, 10 days? 10 days. I lost 10 pounds. Yeah. Like, I... I think I did as well. Yeah. I probably ate more than you did. Yeah. You didn't have it to lose, though. I did, but still. But I subsisted on, like, tea, which I was like, fucking great tea, scones, if they had them, and crackers. Yeah. It was literally all I ate the entire time we were there. Oh.


53:09
 The Jaffa Cakes. Oh, that was awesome. So we had the Jaffa Cakes, we had the scones. But like, oh my god, but overall. But like when you order like a sandwich there, it's the, you know, the bread. It was like butter. It was like not...


53:24
 It's not what you would expect. I have so many problems with it. And shout out to Ireland for being beautiful and you guys eat the way you eat and that's great. But wow. That's why – but that is why Guinness is so like – it's like drinking a loaf of bread. Right. I was like, oh, no. Now I understand why Guinness is a meal in a glass. Right. Because the meal sucks.


53:50
 And I was like, okay, I got it. That's fine. I can do this. We did escape the tour guide one day and went to a shitty pub and had fish and chips. And I was like, all right, this is good. Yeah, that was... That was in Galway. Yeah, we were paying. There was the day that we...


54:08
 We just didn't go on the, like the guided tour that they were going to do. We were like, we were tired and we were just like, you know what? And I, so I went down to the, you know, like the, the, the front steps or the front steps at the front desk. And I was like, Hey, um,


54:24
 My wife's just really, she's not feeling great. I think we're just going to skip it today. And like, Oh God, I'm so sorry. You know, that's terrible. And then we, so I went back and then we, we went back to sleep for like, I don't know, two, three more hours. And then we got up and then we went into town. Yeah.


54:40
 like get a taxi we're going yeah we we and it was great we had a like a day to ourselves walking around i was in galway yeah and then i found a place that made cappuccinos and i was like oh my god thank god it was awesome and then but that was was that before after we went to kill arnie


55:01
 Oh, that was after. That was after. That was after. Calarney was like the first... Calarney was... Okay, it should also be noted that, yes, I am very Italian. I also, very naturally, have red hair. And so, the entire fucking time we are in... And Nick has dark hair and pale skin and green eyes. Right. So the entire time we were there...


55:27
 they're like oh you're the nice Irish lass and I'm like I'm not Irish at all laughing


55:35
 it's like infuriating and they're like no he's the irish and i was like no he's irish and they're like oh and i was like they're like what's your last name and so like i would give them my last name and then they were like uh they're like it's like what's your you know it's like well on my grandmother's side it's murphy and i was like it's murphy they're like oh that's a great irish name yeah no kidding like i know and i'm sure like that's like smith you know or something yeah


56:02
 um even here right there's a thousand of them but it's like you know yeah um yeah so we have to keep explaining that we had to keep explaining to people that was like no the ginger in your mists is actually not yeah uh irish but i will say it's just recessive genes it's just recessive genes at work and then what's so funny is that i did like one of those dna tests many years later because i was like i was like there's got to be something right there's got to be


56:27
 irish scottish fucking something in the mix because i have red hair and my middle sister had red hair and literally nobody else in the family except one of my cousins in italy had red hair um everybody else looked incredibly italian dark dark hair olive skin which i mean i do have like a darker complexion but than most redheads anyway um


56:54
 So I did a DNA test and it was like nothing north of southern Italy. Not a single tiny percentage. It was like southern Italian, Sicilian, Middle Eastern, and North African, Spanish, Portuguese, like all in there. Everything but that. Everything but that. I was more Egyptian than I will ever be. Yeah.


57:21
 irish i was like mother fucker meanwhile i do it and it's just like yeah everything from those like three islands that's you what's super white that's nick it's like british irish scottish that's it


57:39
 And a little French. And a little French. Yeah. So I really genetically thought it increased the odds of us having a child with red hair. I was like, we gotta, right? I was like, you've got the Irish genes. I've got red hair. No, we have two children and they have super brown hair. Dark hair, yeah. Yeah. So I was like, well, we tried. Tried to have a ginge. But no luck.


58:09
 anyway so like we we did you know we had that was an awesome um awesome trip and uh we we haven't been out of the country since yep that was the last time i was on a plane i think um yeah oh no no i went last year but yeah like so that was that was a uh an interesting thing um you know but now it's almost 14 years yeah well 15 technically yeah together


58:33
 Yeah, we've had ups and downs, I think. And it's, you know, like... Bouts of postpartum depression. Right. That was fun. Learning and accepting how to be polyamorous. Right. Was another one. That was a big adjustment for me, especially...


58:53
 Yeah. It was something I had known. Yeah. I just didn't know how to, like, unpack in the context of a relationship. And so...


59:06
 uh yeah it was it was weird yeah so that it was an adjustment period but i definitely had to for when coming you know speaking about the polyamory thing oh right um there were a lot of social expectations right that had to be unlearned and not just on your side on my side too yeah like that was a lot of like the biggest issues i had with it


59:29
 we're stemming from that yeah I think because of the amount of you know it's like societal expectations that like well you know you know as the man husband you know you need to be a certain way you need to provide certain things you know we were like already so anti that like right I initially when we got married changed my name and then had a fucking identity crisis and changed it back of which Nick was very supportive


59:58
 Um, and I always like monetarily made more money, but that was never like, it was never a thing we've argued about. Right. It was never an issue. It was never an issue. Yeah. Um, I was like, I don't know. It all goes in the same place and we're building towards a common goal. And I don't know. I never, I never cared about it. Um, right. Yeah.


01:00:19
 But, you know, like, a lot of the societal things, you know, like, speaking about the polyamory thing, like, it was very difficult for me to accept at first. Yeah. And I think a lot of the... Because, like, even, you know, like, speaking to your thing about, like, changing your name, I was like, well, you're going to change your name, right? Yeah. And you were like, why? And I was like, well, why don't you change your name? And I was just like, I can't do that. And you were like, why not? Why not? And I was like...


01:00:49
 oh yeah like it was just like it was really good like because it was like oh yeah what you know what why you know what is the reason for that and you know like again it's like and I was like I can trace back no good reasons no I was like and I could trace back my last name 500 years


01:01:06
 Right. In Italy. Like, I know who my ancestors are. And, you know, and I was like, can you do that with your name? And Nick was like, no, my dad was adopted. Right. Yeah, it became like a thing. You know, like, and it's just like, because it, again, it's like, it becomes a thing where it's like... It's like, it's just a name. I had no good reason for so many of those things. And like...


01:01:27
 I'm challenging to be married. Well, you know, like, no, but it's like, but in a good way though, because I think it's because it, it, you know, it's in, I've, I've said this before about our generation just in general as, as millennials. Yeah. We're the first generation. We're elder millennials. Elder millennials. Yeah. Like, I think I'm the first, like the first. Literally the first year. First one in the door. Yeah. The, I think the, we're the first generation to be like,


01:01:57
 it,


01:01:57
 Why, though? Yeah, it's like, yeah, but why? It's like, well, we've done it like this forever. It's like, sure. That doesn't mean it's the best way to do it. It's like, but what if we could come up with a better way, though? It's like, well, why would you do that? It's like, yeah, we grew up without cell phones, but then we grew into having technology and realized that sometimes change and ease of accessibility and changing up how you normally do things is good. And so, you know, I was always a questioning child. I think I would have been a pain in the ass regardless of when...


01:02:27
 I was bored. I was very, like, even just as a little kid, I was like, why? Why? Why? You need to explain to me why. I need to know the reasons why. Why this? Why that?


01:02:36
 And I question everything. I very much was not that. And you were a sweet, soft, kind, compassionate boy who just wanted everybody around him to be happy. And I was like, I'm going to burn it down. I didn't need to know how it worked. I just need to know it worked. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I took things apart to learn how they worked. Right. Like my dad's snowblower that I got in trouble for.


01:03:02
 Yeah. And so then I made – so I made a lot of assumptions like that, like the changing of the name. Yeah. It's like the – Well, when we have kids, you'll stay home. Right. I was like – I don't – well, actually, I don't know. You didn't. I never did that. No. But I did say –


01:03:20
 before we learned to balance and navigate that it was just like I was doing a big majority of it until you know the postpartum depression hit and then I was like I can't do this alone


01:03:36
 yeah um and so i think i you know i definitely stepped it up at that point yeah that was definitely like a make or break moment in our relationship for sure it was like okay you either step up here and help or i'm going to fall apart and in the falling apart we're not going to be together anymore right um so you know like i think i again it goes back to that unlearning of societal things we both did we had so much to unlearn


01:04:00
 yeah like yeah especially you with like the um so much was just ingrained just from like immigrant traditional family bullshit um i got a lot of shit from my family um because right after our oldest was born like a month later nick got laid off from his job and so he was home and then i was like okay well i'm just gonna go back to work which i'm sure contributed to the stress of all of that contributed to whatever but the bpd


01:04:30
 But Nick was probably home with him for, what, a year, year and a half until he found, like, a good... Like, steady job. Steady job. I worked... I did, like, a couple... Like, I went back to stop a job for a little bit. Yeah, just worked some part-time shit just to get some hours. I had a couple of, like, you know, like, temp jobs. Yeah. But, you know, from my side of the family, it was like, oh, it's no good for a man to be home. And, you know, that's...


01:04:52
 And I was like, what? That's not how this works. I was like, honestly, our child is super happy being home with him. Like, he's well adjusted. And I also felt a lot of pressure. I felt like this, like, I am a failure. I am, you know, I'm worthless. Because...


01:05:13
 again of like societal yeah oh i'm not providing for my family i need to provide for my family even though that was never our dynamic no and i was like why i'm providing for our family it was like there you need to we had to learn how we best show up


01:05:28
 for each other and for our families and i think because the best and most comfortable ways the both of us show up is opposite to the stereotypes that exist there was a lot of like unlearning that behavior when we were in it right and it was like no you know both of us need to be okay with


01:05:51
 You know, I am the person who makes the most amount of money and this is the shit that I take care of. And Nick handles, you know, a lot of the let's call them air quotes, softer skills or day to day like cleaning and routine things that like drive me insane. Yeah.


01:06:13
 The way I would describe our, like, really, to this day, our current dynamic, I would describe it as, like, you're the big ideas person, and I'm, like, boots on the ground. Yeah, 100%. You know, I'm, like, I'm the guy who makes the trains run on time. But I build the trains. You build the trains from, you know, like, you inceptualize the trains.


01:06:35
 conceptualize that's not a word conceptualize i guess um but yeah like you're the like you're the the big ideas person and i'm the one that like just keeps keeps things keeps things moving yeah and both are like such important roles


01:06:52
 in a household right like i couldn't fulfill all of the responsibilities and things that i have to do if it wasn't for nick and nick couldn't do all of the things that he does if it wasn't for me and so the balance really works out um and our our kids have only benefited i think i hope i'd like to hope um from seeing a different dynamic and


01:07:18
 We've never put any pressure on them to have any dynamic whatsoever. We're just like, this isn't a thing that you need to do when you get older. And I think that was more for me than it was for Nick, but there was a lot of pressure as a girl in an immigrant family where it was like, your only value is to grow up, get married, and have children. That is the only way your life will have value.


01:07:43
 not my contributions to public education, not the fact that I'm a woman in my field that is dominated by men, you know, an engineer, none of it, none of it matters. Only the fact that,


01:07:56
 yeah your your breeding potential gross gross yeah and i wasn't even good at that because i almost died giving birth to our second child um we laugh now because she's still alive guys hooray man was it touch and go for like a week um but there was so much of that that i was like i'm not gonna pass that on


01:08:20
 so much shit we had to break the cycle of and part of that was incorporating polyamory because like I knew that I was a person who could love and have partners I had never put it into practice ever but it was always something I wanted and then we had conversations about it in the adjustment period and we worked it out we figured it out and we have since both had


01:08:49
 other partners yeah i think that was it was a big adjustment for me and i think i i specifically the the where i because i kept feeling like you know like bouts of jealousy or like well yeah she's gonna leave me or something like that and and like jealousy still exists it exists in everyone it's just how you deal with it like polyamory people just have a set of tools to deal with jealousy it doesn't just magically go away


01:09:16
 Sure. Yeah. Yeah. The thing that really like the biggest like sort of aha moment that I had was I forgot what the reason was, what it was that happened. But I like I got to this point where I was like, oh, this isn't about me. This is not about me at all. Yeah. Actually. And I'm just like so like I'm just putting this on.


01:09:42
 on her for no reason. Yeah. There is no reason... Like, she's not putting anything specifically on me that is making me miserable. I'm doing this to myself. Yeah. And it wound up becoming... I was like, oh, my God. Like, you know, like... And when I had... When I realized that...


01:10:01
 It was like, it was like completely. Yeah. It's like a completely different ballgame. Yeah. It was a game changer for sure. Yeah. Even just realizing that between the two of us, like both of us are very good at certain things. We have a specific set of skills. True. For sure. But like one person can't be everything.


01:10:17
 yeah that was that was a big one yeah that was huge you can't be another person's everything literally everything it's impossible it is impossible and it's too much pressure right um and for people who make it work amen good for you that's awesome if it works for you then if you're choosing right that i think for me it's like people who are forced into monogamous marriages and


01:10:41
 don't have the option and then they're just stuck with partners who don't fulfill any needs of theirs right because that's the society they live in true or the culture of theirs but for me it was more like okay


01:10:58
 Here is this wonderful human man. And I was like, he is who I want to live with. And he is my best friend. And I want to have children with him because I know he'll be a good father. And he's a fantastic partner. But also there are these X, Y, and Z things that have absolutely nothing to do with him that I also want to


01:11:27
 Right. But are things that – to force that upon him would be unfair because it's asking you to be someone you're not. Right. It forces a person to – To do or act in a way that is in line with their own morals, values, whatever. Yeah. And so I was like, yeah, no. We are – our lives need to expand. And so it was uncomfortable, but we did it. And we made it through –


01:11:55
 I would say fairly, you know, ups and downs. Yeah. But for the most part, we did it. In the end, like... Yeah. Today, we've come out, like, the other side of the transitional period of it. Oh, yeah. I'd say it was, like, a really uncomfortable year, year and a half. Right. And then... I would say so, yeah. I would agree with that timeline. I was like, ugh, this is...


01:12:20
 doesn't feel good but like growth never feels good growth isn't supposed to feel good um it's uncomfortable it took me specifically me it took me about that long like a year and a half to get to that like oh it's not about me thing yeah um and then you know and then it was like nick started branching out too which helped right and then like it took another probably another


01:12:45
 year or year and a half after that for me to branch out i think yeah um and have like just have the confidence just yeah just to have another just like oh let's see what's out there kind of thing and have another relationship which you know was was very good yeah you know i'm very glad i had it um but uh i think ultimately um


01:13:08
 You know, right. Like specifically for me right now, I think I, I wanted to focus on like my career and stuff like, so, you know, we're both, I would say in a.


01:13:19
 busy growth like self-growth period where that's not the main focus right of our lives um and it was for a while which was fine and great yeah um but now it's not now we have like we have personal we each have our own personal goals that we're working towards and so that kind of gets um dating gets put on the back burner right it becomes it becomes a thing


01:13:46
 And now that polyamory has been sort of incorporated into our lives, it's not our whole personality. Yeah. For a while, we were just like, this is what we have to do. This is what polyamorous people do. Right. We have to be a certain fitness. Dating all the time. It's not like that, though. Just like anyone, those things wax and wane. Okay. Let's talk about some values, Nick. I think that's a great idea.


01:14:13
 Okay. So we had a conversation about like what our top values are. And I have a, uh, like a deck of cards that are value-based and they have different ones. And then you talk about what, like you sort them and it talks about what your values are. Um,


01:14:36
 So, what did you come up with for your, like, top ones? So, I have about, I have, like, three slash four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I used the cards. So, I went, I kind of scrolled through the cards and, like, flipped through them. And they sort of, I didn't take one specifically from there because I think a lot of those are more, like, sort of big ideas. Yeah.


01:15:05
 in in certain ways so i i went a little bit more specific with it like the first one the top one i have is something that i value in other people uh is directness you can see why he married me


01:15:27
 Yeah, it's directness. So, like, I'm a big fan. Like, I don't want to be, like, I'm not, like, a fragile little flower, despite what you might, you know, like, speaking to me, despite maybe the persona I give off.


01:15:43
 Like, I want, give it to me straight. I want, don't bullshit me. Yeah. Tough love. Yeah. That's what I want. Yeah. And I will often ask Nick, how tough do you want me to be? Yeah. Because I never lie. Because honesty is one of my top three values. Like, honesty is maybe number one. I need to be able to trust people. I don't do it easily. Yeah.


01:16:03
 And if you lie, well, then it's over. So and Nick is not a liar. Thank God. He's almost always very open and honest, even if he has passive aggressive hissy fits before he can tell me what's wrong. It's fine. Everything's fine. No, that's fine. You can tell you just, you know, just that's fine.


01:16:24
 Yeah. And so I will often ask, like, do you need me to be softly honest or really direct? Like how much of a bitch on a scale of one to 10 do you want me to be right now? And sometimes it could be like, I need you to go full 10.


01:16:40
 yeah i just like i need it like just like all right just you know like really just shove it down my throat like i like because like i need that's what i need sometimes like there is a day that i was just like really in a funk and i don't even remember why um and it was it was like it was a contagion it was affecting everybody in the house yeah and i literally i was like okay listen you can be in a funk


01:17:05
 be in your funk that's fine but one stop impacting everybody because the kids are miserable i was like and you're making it everybody else's problem so you need to figure this out um and nick was like okay and i was like let me know when you're ready to not be in a funk yeah and that was that was one time when you legitimately asked like how do you want me to be do you want me to tell you what you want to hear yeah


01:17:32
 Or do you want to be or do you want me to be like direct? Yeah. I was like, do you need me to reassure you or do you want me to snap you out of this? Yeah. Yeah. And so I and I was like, I said, tough love. Give it to me. Yeah. Oh, boy, did I? Yeah. I was like, sack the fuck.


01:17:48
 you know like being a little bit up you're being a bitch about it like and i was just like you know it's just like i was like grow some ovaries and do the work i was like okay all right thanks and it just it literally it did it pulled me out of it i was just like you know like it was able to slap me uh across the face a little bit right and so that's i that's so directness is something that i really value in another person especially in partners friendships and yeah um


01:18:16
 the do you want to give one or do you want me to just keep oh no i said i said honesty was like my top one okay yeah so you can do your next one all right so my next one that i have um and this kind of is a it's more of an overarching one is respect oh okay you know like and i that applies to several different things so like respect for others respect for spaces like even like physical spaces


01:18:41
 I think for you, that's very important. I don't know what you're talking about. Nick is an introvert for the most part and really likes his and needs his alone time. Right. And so if people encroach on his spaces too much or too often, it becomes a real fucking problem. Right.


01:19:08
 real fucking problem yeah and that was something we learned over the years and it was like okay well we need to adjust for this this is a real you know real uppity about it real 13 year old girl level bitchy yeah um also respect for boundaries yes for sure oh my god yes you know like that's something that i've learned really in the last few years but like therapy yeah shout out therapy whoo


01:19:32
 But yeah, like mental health is important guys. But yeah, so like, but respect for boundaries and also respect for self, I think just really important. Being able to respect yourself is a, is a.


01:19:45
 is a is something that can't be discounted i think yeah my um so my top one was honesty for sure and then um my other one is freedom or independence um that makes a lot of sense for you yeah i spent a fair amount of my uh pre-20 years feeling incredibly trapped and um


01:20:14
 i don't know controlled yeah for sure um by ideologies that i did not align or agree with um so that has always been a huge thing for freedom of self freedom for to make choices for my own body as a woman as a human in the world um


01:20:35
 which i think was probably why like the not changing my name was so important because it was like losing who i was right um freedom to live our lives the way we want um freedom like like financial freedom not having anyone hold anything over us right that has always been a big thing for me um


01:20:58
 And, yeah, I don't know. Freedom in all aspects for all people. Yeah, absolutely. To make their own fucking choices, which now is really just glaringly getting cut down. Yeah. But...


01:21:13
 not to get political. No, but yeah, it's been, it's been rough on the mental health for sure. But you know, it goes along with my other, which is social justice, which is one of them. It's in the top 10. It's not in the top three, but I figured freedom kind of encompasses that because social justice is a real, yeah, it's a real thing for me. Yeah, no, that's, that's definitely very important. Like, um,


01:21:39
 That's, that's in mine as well. Um, not in the top three, but like that is, that's definitely something, you know, especially now with, you know, however, with just recently, even not even recently in the last however many years, um, things just be like every with social media and things like that. Social justice is a very important thing.


01:22:00
 so what's your other one nicholas uh the last one i have is kind of it's like two they kind of go hand in hand in my opinion yeah um so i have understanding and patience


01:22:13
 Oh, I love that. That sounds like a song from the 60s or something. Patience and understanding or something like that. Sure. I don't know. That's probably not a thing. But anyway, understanding and patience. I love that you sang on that one and not Respect, which has a whole song.


01:22:32
 I don't want to step all over Aretha. That's not... That's true. She's, you know... She's the queen. She's iconic, so... And, you know, I feel like it would be a little insulting for a soft boy white guy to be stepping all over that. That's such a good point. Okay. So patience and understanding. Yeah. So...


01:22:54
 And what I wrote down was, like, I want people to be patient with me, you know, like, and because, you know, sometimes, like, you know, I'm pretty, like, amenable, but, like, at the end of the day, I think sometimes, like...


01:23:11
 everybody's got quirks. Oh yeah. And I would like somebody like, cause I've dealt with people who are not patient with me. Yes. Or understanding of your quirks. Right. Right. That's, and that's, that goes, that's why I said it goes like hand in hand. Cause it's like, and I would, I want them to be patient and have understanding like things like very simple things. Like if I cancel plans or something, it's not about you.


01:23:39
 Like it's not about – it's like we're going to go have lunch or we're going to have something, have coffee or whatever, and I cancel because I'm overwhelmed or there's too much going on. Your social battery is drained. Or I'm just drained out. Yeah. I just – I can't – it's not about you at all. It's about me, and I just want you to be –


01:24:01
 And have understanding that I'm not doing this to slight you or I'm not, you know, that kind of thing. So that's one of the things that I value in, especially in friendships and partners too. Yeah. You know, is to just be, to be patient with me. Patient is important.


01:24:20
 Something I'm working on. Yeah. But I am patient with you. Yeah. I think that's very true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. And you do, like, if I start rambling, you get like, anyway. I'm like, get to the point. Yeah. Which I need. I get the directness. Directness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is so funny because my last one is ambition or purpose. Yeah. Yeah.


01:24:47
 I am an ambitious person. I feel like I've lived a purposeful life. And I talked about this last episode with Becky too. I have a hard time managing relationships, friendships, partners, whatever, with people who are unable to have a purposeful life.


01:25:06
 Right. Even if that purpose is I just want to be the best at my job. I want to be a good parent to my kids. I just want to maintain the most beautiful fucking vegetable garden you've ever seen. It doesn't matter. Yeah. But a purpose like. And for me personally, I have a difficult time. Yeah.


01:25:27
 Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah.


01:25:47
 it better for people who are more marginalized than you yeah how how are you impacting how is right how is right what what work are you doing right are you unlearning like your inherent racism are you working towards you know showing


01:26:11
 Right. Because it doesn't need to be non-biased. Yeah. It doesn't need to be like, well, I went and I held a march. It doesn't have to be that drastic. But just staying educated about what's happening and doing your small part. Like when you go to Target, do you pick out brands owned by, you know, black women owned businesses? Yes.


01:26:35
 Like, that's not a huge thing to a middle class white person. It's a huge thing to the people who own those companies. And it's like, maybe it's just more like intentional for me. Like people being intentional with their actions. But it's like, if you're not paying attention...


01:26:58
 to what's happening then you're just letting the bad things happen right it's it's it's almost i don't i don't know if it's worse but it's just as bad it's just as bad as not like be like inaction is the same thing as like as it's complacency right i think that's really what i can't stand is complacency and ignorance it's like the willful ignorance of like well it doesn't impact me i'm like


01:27:24
 Sure. Maybe it doesn't, but it impacts society. Like I happen to be a woman who lives in a blue state. Thank fucking God. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to support women who live in like locked down red states and I'll do what I can, you know, and ship products if they need them or offer a place to land if they need it. Like, I don't know. It's just, I have a very difficult time with people who are not intentional and purposeful.


01:27:55
 With their actions. Yeah, I would say I would agree with that. I think especially in the last few years, it's become very apparent to me that people who are not –


01:28:14
 i guess purposeful i'm not paying attention i'm not paying attention that irks me in a very specific way you know like because it's just like you know it's like you could it's like it's like guys don't you notice what's going on what don't you want to it's like when i'm on the dating apps yeah it's like when i'm on the dating apps and people and guys especially white guys are like oh well i'm not political i'm like then you're a republican i'm sorry if you're


01:28:38
 not political you're part of the problem right like that's part of the solution or fuck off that's a very pointed statement i think when people say i'm not political oh you're a classic conservative it's it's either that or it's that i i'm too uh like i'm i'm perfectly happy in my ignorance yes to not get involved yep and it's like


01:29:01
 You should... And again, not saying you should be marching in the streets. Right. But do something. Just small... There are small things everybody can do. You know? It's like you... Yeah.


01:29:16
 yeah i i unfortunately could talk a very long time we could have an entire podcast we could have a whole podcast about it yeah get your shit together cis white people for real my gosh um um yeah so oh the last one on my list was curiosity because becky and i talked about that curious it's just staying curious and i know that one of nick's favorite quotes is from ted lasso


01:29:43
 Yes. Even though it's not from Ted Lasso. Yeah. It's actually, it's a quote by Walt Whitman. That's right. You know, and it's the, it's the scene in Ted Lasso where he's in the bar and he's playing darts and he said, and he's talking, he's, he's about to like basically win the game. And he says, he's just like, he said, you know, I'm walking, you know, it's like I was dropping, dropping my son off at school. And he,


01:30:08
 The quote was, be curious, not judgmental. Yeah. And I actually, I love that quote. It really, really resonated with you. It really did. I did like a...


01:30:23
 You know, like it's like it really it really hit me in a in a very real place because it's because that's very true. It's like so often we are so judgmental about things like without even thinking about it, you know, and especially and I know you and Becky talked about this in the podcast, like where the how we grow up.


01:30:43
 Maybe we grow up very judgmental. Or in an environment that's uber critical. And I think that's kind of how I grew up too. Not to dog on my family, but also at school and my friends. Very much the same thing. Growing up here.


01:31:01
 Like, where we are, it's very – it is very – can be a very judgmental place. Yes. And I think, you know, if we were more curious –


01:31:15
 And less judgmental, it would be a much better place. I agree. It would be a much easier time with so many things. Yeah. So that's how I feel about it. Yeah. And it should also be noted that Nick is fantastic at darts. Like... I mean, it's like... Like... Like...


01:31:39
 weirdly good like weirdly good for someone who did not grow up playing i also did not grow up i grew up playing foosball because guineas and soccer like actual real soccer um but you know bocce let's not forget that oh hell yeah bocce i'll throw some fucking yard balls let's go um but


01:32:03
 All right. Okay. Also a tad competitive, which thankfully Nick is not. No. Nick is not. That can't be true. I do not believe that for one second.


01:32:17
 we always joke that like i am both competitive and aggressive and our children and nick is neither and our children each inherited one of the traits so like our oldest is competitive but not aggressive and our daughter is just aggressive and not competitive right


01:32:39
 I don't know if that's a good thing. I don't know. I don't know. But I guess it's played out in some weird ways. Let me tell you. But just a real brief little story that happened one time that Maria and I were playing video games. We're playing Mario Kart. Oh, shit. And now I'm a very avid gamer. And very, very good. And I'm pretty good at Mario Kart. Yeah. I am very, very bad at video games.


01:33:07
 And so I played and I beat her in whatever the thing. So many times. She was getting so upset about it. And then I beat her in one thing and there was just silence for a second. And then she said, nothing matters. And threw the controller on the floor. And I was like, okay, we're going to shut this game off now.


01:33:31
 It was rough. It was really rough. She was very upset. And we have not ever played the game again. No. No. And, like, even our kids have been like, oh, let's all play Mario Kart. And I'm like, no, Mommy can't. I'm sorry. Mommy can't play Mario Kart. Mommy is banned from Mario Kart. Mommy is banned from Mario Kart.


01:33:50
 We did try to play that game. We still haven't gone back to it, but that, like, it takes two. Yeah. And you were getting real frustrated. I was getting frustrated. I'm just so bad at video games. How do you get up there? How do you jump? I don't understand. Why doesn't it work? It's like I have many real life skills, you know, that just don't fucking translate to video games. Right.


01:34:15
 It doesn't help that I also have, like, horrible vertigo. So anytime anything in a video game, like, swirls, I'm like, oh, I need to look away. I have directional insanity. I have directional insanity. Oh, God. But, no, I think, you know... I mean, and it's fine to be competitive, I think. Yes. I think a healthy level of competition can be a good thing. Right. And I...


01:34:42
 take it better now really video games are like my biggest trigger but in every other aspect i'm like it's cool and there are places where i just will not compete yeah i'm not going to put myself in situations where it's going to aggravate me right um and more often than not i don't care right yes i think the ability to not care is another thing that like a trait that i love about you


01:35:05
 Disassociative indifference? Yeah. There's something so amazing about that. Because I cared so deeply about so many things that don't matter. And I was just like, why? Yeah.


01:35:25
 and again it's like and when because you were a big person to get me out of my shell um when i would like especially in the beginning yeah when we were dating it was like very much just like there were so many times where i'd be like oh i can't do that you'd be like why yeah and i'd be like and i wouldn't have a good reason for it i would i would have no answer for it yeah and i'd be like well because because i can't there's you know like what you know and i would try to like you know


01:35:49
 i know fumble my way through with some kind of uh you know explanation and it was like dude just like what you like it was even it would annoy me too when you would put on um you had this playlist called embarrassing songs oh yeah and they were just songs and they were just songs and i was just like why is this called embarrassing songs i'm like do you like do you genuinely like these songs and a lot of it was like let's say girly pop you know for whatever or like boy band


01:36:16
 Or boy band. Fucking slaps. Whatever. Sure. And Nick was just like, yeah, well, you know, it's embarrassing. I'm like, why? Because it goes against... Who gives a shit what people think? Right. It was like...


01:36:30
 I was an asshole about it when I was a teenager. Yeah. And to not like to the level of, I don't care. People think I'm going to be an emo kid. I was like, no, I genuinely have no opinion of what people's opinion of me is. Yeah. Like, and I don't know if it was because I would have was undiagnosed neurodivergent and I genuinely didn't understand. Um,


01:36:59
 But it was a skill that I was just like, why can't you just like the things you like? Like, even now, it's like, okay, go ahead and be a Swifty. Go ahead and like whatever you like. Nothing matters. And everything matters. Yeah. If it matters to you, then who cares? Then who cares? Yeah. That is something that I... That was another unlearning. To unlearn how to not...


01:37:24
 be ashamed of the things that I enjoy or the things that I like. And I had to learn how to give a shit a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, who cares? Nothing matters. And I was like, well, okay, I guess some things matter and I should care a bit. Yeah. But I learned to care less.


01:37:40
 The people that I love and respect, I care very deeply about their opinions and their thoughts. Which I think is what it's all about. Yes. And I rely on that to check me if, you know, Beck and I were talking about perception checking. Right. You know, to just check me if I go off the deep end of like meanness or indifference or whatever it may be.


01:38:11
 yeah but i speaking of uh like doing like um i like saying that to it's like make a wisdom saving throw make a wisdom saving yes we are all avid dungeons and dragons players um but okay so for our last thing we're gonna pick three adjectives for each other for each other okay yeah yeah yeah not for ourselves for each other okay so you want to take a minute


01:38:40
 I think I have one right off the dome that I can do for you. I'm a little scared. Oh, fucking get ready. Okay, go ahead. The first one I have, adjective I have for you, is resourceful. Oh. Yeah, because the amount of being able to get something accomplished with just like...


01:39:10
 And the attitude of like, well, fuck it, I'll figure it out. I watched a lot of MacGyver growing up. It impacted me in a lot of ways. But it's true. Like, we've...


01:39:21
 You know, it's like, you're just like, uh, I remember one time we were making, um, well, it's not just one time. It's like, we've, we've made like recipes for things. It's just like, I want to make dinner. And you just like hodgepodge something together and it's fucking delicious, you know? And it's just like, well, it's like, well, we don't have these quintessential things for this.


01:39:41
 whatever recipe and you're like nah fuck it we've got this and this that'll make it or it's like it's like oh this requires buttermilk it's like oh I'm just gonna make buttermilk you know out of you know milk and like lemon juice or something like that you know it's just like there's you know so resourcefulness I think is


01:40:00
 A huge thing that you bring to the table. And that's something that... Sometimes quite literally. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, thanks, babe. Of course. Oh, man. Just thinking about MacGyver. Fuck yeah. All right. My number one for you...


01:40:24
 Does it count as an adjective? I don't know. I guess it does. Is like baby girl.


01:40:36
 All right. Explain. No explanation. Now... Moving on. All right. Moving on. Now, Nick has big baby girl energy in the best way. Like, even amongst our group of friends, we... In our core group, we know who the tops and the bottoms are. And...


01:41:02
 Me and my other friend care dearly for the others in our friend group. But...


01:41:12
 There are just like Nick is compassionate and kind and I could go on and on and on with all of these adjectives. But I think like baby girl kind of encompasses all of them. Like you have a lot of emotions and now you're not embarrassed by them. Right. And it's so beautiful and it's so nice. And people can be so soft around you and you can match it and be so soft with them. And it's I know. And it's just really wonderful. Yeah.


01:41:40
 thanks babe yeah i like that yeah i appreciate that oh get appreciated motherfucker i am i i feel so appreciative good you should i appreciate the shit out of you all right so another another so you said three adjectives right i did all right um oh god i should have been thinking about all that shit


01:42:07
 I mean, just going back to things that I value, direct I think is another good adjective because – and I think we've talked a lot about this, but you are very –


01:42:25
 Direct, and it's really appreciated by me. Yeah. You know, how, like, because it does- I don't say things to make people feel better. No, exactly. And you shouldn't. Right. Like, it's like, that's not, you know, what it's for. I think it can't be undervalued. The-


01:42:42
 went like directness in a in a relationship but just like your directness specifically you know like you don't beat around the bush you don't bullshit people and they you know maybe maybe they're upset by it yeah they will ultimately benefit from your directness because you don't fuck around


01:43:02
 It's not like, it's not like, well, maybe if you make it, you're just like, get the fuck off of yourself. Like, you know, it's like, you know what I mean? Like, it's like you get like, and you're not in like, there's more tech than that. Usually there's usually more tech. It's funny you said that. Cause one of our friends who we also work with. Sorry. Tacked. I was saying tack. I was like, that's not the right word. No, it doesn't matter.


01:43:27
 One of our friends was like, I never have to guess what you mean when you say things. And that's so nice. And I was like, yeah, because I don't say things I don't mean. Like, I'm not like, no, I don't know. Like, I'd love to go do that. When, like, in reality, I'm like, no, that doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in.


01:43:47
 like i just and maybe it comes back to my like brutal honesty you know where i'm just like i don't like lying yeah like recently we were talking about a concert experience and a bunch of us going and i was like that sounds like fun for all of you but not for me i don't like concerts i don't enjoy them it's overwhelming for me um the whole thing i was like but i love that for you right like i think you would enjoy going um i would not but thank you for asking


01:44:17
 um so it's just yeah being honest but thanks babe um oh another one for you oh my god okay this is maybe nick's best trait is his steadfastness


01:44:38
 Ooh, okay. Nick is a port in a storm. Any port in a storm. Every port in a storm. Yeah. Ooh, and I have to check myself because I really teared up a little thinking about it.


01:44:54
 it's okay it's okay it's all good because he has been my port in a storm but he's so steadfast like you really are you show up for people and you are solid and you're just like you can like when i'm spiraling you can get me to unspiral but it's not just me


01:45:16
 Like with all of our friends, with our kids, with the people around you, you provide a calm, steady presence that is so consistent. And just like I feel really like it's so undervalued, I think, in today's society because it's not seen as like an aggressive male trait. And so thus no value is placed upon it. Sure.


01:45:39
 But I think it's absolutely your best trait. You are so steadfast and you show up for your friends consistently. And just like, I don't know, it's just such a calming energy that I have a hard time quantifying. And it is the basis of our entire household.


01:46:07
 Like, without Nick's energy, this house would be just chaos. I mean... For sure. For sure. Yeah, there is a lot of... Chaotic energy. Yeah. But Nick is lawful good. And, you know...


01:46:32
 and just yeah a port in a storm that's like the best way it's it's your best treat for sure and it's just you just fucking keep going you keep trucking like you had a shit day you come home the dishes need to be done you still do them


01:46:48
 And that's just like a small, stupid example. But it's like you do the things that need to be done and you keep pushing regardless of what's happening and you're just there. Like the presence is there. The calmness is there. It's unfathomable to someone like me who's up and down and all over the place and outside and inside. Yeah.


01:47:12
 you know where I'm just like man I need like a three month break from everything social and then I can jump back in and do a thousand things in a week and then now I need another break but you are so consistent and I find that wildly impressive well thank you I really appreciate that you're welcome alright I gotta come up with a third one now let's see well you've been married to me it shouldn't be too hard I know


01:47:41
 oh god no ball and chain oh my god i knew you were gonna say ball and chain yeah um we can cut out some of this while i'm waffling back and forth here yeah also because it's 5 30 you have to go pick up job yeah i'm gonna yeah that's fine let me just give me a second um


01:48:10
 Honestly, I guess the third one I have for you would be – I don't know if this – again, like this – I don't know if this is a – necessarily an adjective. Okay. But to kind of piggyback a little bit off the thing you said was impressive. Yeah.


01:48:36
 I am so often impressed by you. The things that you accomplish that despite what's going on, despite what you're dealing with, your ability to persevere.


01:48:56
 Um, and maybe perseverance is a better word to use, but like, you know, I'm, I'm so thoroughly impressed by how, um, it just, I just, how impressive.


01:49:12
 you're able to just get through stuff and accomplish so much with, you know, despite whatever is going on, despite the, like, if you're, you know, feeling manic, if you're feeling anxious, if you're feeling depressed, if you're like, whatever it is, you know, or if there's, or if like, you know, you're going through like a health thing, like if like your, your back hurts or whatever it is, and you still manage to accomplish all of these things,


01:49:42
 you know i'm just constantly blown away by it oh you know it's just it's like i you know i don't and there are times when i like i don't as i don't like i don't feel like worthy of it you know like it feels like you know i feel you know like because like you accomplish stuff and i'm like mother fucker like i just like i wish i could do half of that that


01:50:10
 Like, the ability to, also the ability to, like, figure something out without having any, you know... Is this the time, like, when you compared me to a pit bull?


01:50:25
 kind of yeah or bulldog or whatever it was you attack you you attack a problem like and you get to the root of it without you know like it's just it's like and no matter how many roadblocks there is you're just like no fuck it i'll figure it out you know stubborn some people would call that stubborn it's like it goes and again it goes back to that resourcefulness part but like it's it's still so impressive to me oh um and still so just like you know it oh


01:50:53
 I don't know. It just, it always, it always makes me feel so honored to be, you know. Well, I mean, you're welcome. I am to be graced by your ultimate, your ultimate presence.


01:51:21
 Okay, this brings me back to my last one, which is, and they go together because, again, I can't narrow it down. You are both have the ability to be funny and silly.


01:51:36
 And I think this is something that, again, super undervalued. We, as a married couple for a bajillion, laugh a lot. We really do, yeah. Like, we laugh a lot. And a lot of it, I think, is the...


01:51:54
 because one you're so funny like you're so funny thank you um and funny and in a different way from me like i and sometimes funny because i'm really mean i mean yeah i mean yeah


01:52:13
 Wow. But but yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah, but no, but you are really funny. And this like ability that I think stems from you, but that we have created together is this like safe space where it's okay to.


01:52:30
 It's true. Right.


01:52:48
 um by being silly and funny all on your own and it is a very vulnerable state to exist in and you do it like it's no problem like you just fucking in the trumpet noises in the middle of a whatever or or just bust out singing or just you know stim


01:53:13
 or do like a random voice or a random voice yeah or just yeah and and our students find it hilarious and i think appreciate it but it also creates a real safe environment for others to be vulnerable and silly um and i think that that's laughing with you is my favorite it's literally my favorite too it's my favorite thing yeah


01:53:35
 I mean, how many times have we been driving home from work? Because, by the way, we work together. We spend, like, an inordinate amount of time together. Right. But, like, the... And Nick usually drives because I will say I'm a passenger fucking princess. Oh, it's the only time she's ever a princess.


01:53:53
 it's true it's the only aspect of her life that she's a princess no but we you know like how many times have we been laughing so hard oh that i'm worried you're gonna pass out i either i'm either going to pass out or i need to like pull over because yeah we are like we're laughing so hard about something so stupid stupid like i don't even know like that was like when like uh i don't even remember i can't come up with one but like i don't know


01:54:19
 You know, like we are like to choose, you know, like when I need to get right. One of us will inevitably say something, usually me, because sometimes my accent comes back to haunt me. And I'll say something in a weird, stupid way. And then they go like, you know, make it a whole bit or right. Nick will say something in a funny way or say things like, I don't know, out of order or whatever it is.


01:54:41
 Or it'll be something very specific, like, very, like, I'm going to get gas. It's like, should I fill the tank up with the gas? Like, you know, or should I, like, just put a little bit in? And she's just like, well, you know, you should fill it because we're going to drive it.


01:54:59
 And I was just like, well, that would be the intention of, you know, like, it's like, and again, it's like, it doesn't sound as funny, like saying it again, but like, it just like in the moment, it's just like, you know, like whatever. Um, and then we just, and then we wanted to, we bust out laughing also maybe because we're also like ridiculously tired. We're just too over exhausted public educators trying to get through the fucking day.


01:55:24
 Like, it might not be funny to everyone. That's okay. Because comedy is subjective. But at the same time. I don't know. Our department members laugh a lot. Yeah. We get, you know, we get pretty goofy. Yeah. And it is one of my favorites. Yeah. For sure.


01:55:39
 Wow. We are almost at two hours. Holy shit. And you have to go pick up our daughter from her play date. Fair enough. Ow, I stabbed myself. So, wow. Thanks, everybody, for listening. If you made it through these two hours of ridiculousness where Nick and I just appreciated the hell out of each other, which is the basis of this podcast. And hopefully I can have some more guests on, friends, family, entrepreneurs in the area.


01:56:06
 or not in the area if you want to get out here and get appreciated and spread your whatever around it sounds gross i don't all right we need to end this we gotta go


01:56:21
 Yeah, so you can listen to us, I think, almost anywhere podcasts are found. And if you want to get in contact with us, hit the little message button. But otherwise, download, share, put it on for your pets. Yeah, thanks for listening to Get Appreciated. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody.