Understanding His Toxic Behavior: Part 6

Finally ... we are nearing the finish line on our book study! This week, tune in to talk about love-bombing, safety protocols for getting out of a toxic relationship, and also I may ramble on a bit about me and the D's fitness journey. What's not to love? You can hear hot gossip and also motivate yourself to dump the douche.

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Transcript

Spring Cleaning and Relationship Musings

Speaker 1 0:00

It's time to wake up witches. I'm your host, cat Adams, and I'm here to remind you that, no matter where you're at in life, you're not stuck. Good morning, afternoon, evening, whatever is. Wherever you are in the world, I hope you're having an amazing time. This week is Astara I don't know how to pronounce it.

Speaker 1 0:45

It's like the pagan equivalent of Easter, I guess kind of like the spring renewal, rebirth, yada, yada, yada. I celebrated it last year. We didn't really do anything this year, although today we have plans to like get outside and just do kind of some spring activities and then have charcuterie tonight. So I guess that's kind of celebrating. But yeah, like I don't know if you ever look into the pagan holidays the Sabbaths, I think it's called, but sometimes we will try to celebrate them because they're fun and why the hell not? They have a holiday, I don't know, maybe every six weeks or something, and it's in tune with nature. So usually if, like you know, you're having, like, for instance, yule, which you know is the equivalent of Christmas it might have been somebody say where Christmas came from, but you know, yule, log and things that are basically just derived from nature like celebrating that season of time, and I highly recommend it because I freaking love doing those things. It makes me feel all like in tune with the world around me and I know that might be getting woo juju, but I don't give a shit, because I'm trying to get back into my woo juju because I have been just off balance, especially ever since, like I started my new role. It's just been tough and like last week, oh my gosh, I we had like 30 new people join in the departments that I manage and you know how that is like training, and then of course, you know you lose some and some just don't work out and it's been intense and the rate at work which we're growing is hard to keep up with. So that's why, like since I've been there, like two and a half years now, I'm always feeling run down because, from what I heard and our meeting, we're growing at 500% right, so I am 500% worthy, fuck out.

Speaker 1 3:07

And I go through these cycles where you know we have this busy, busy, busy and then there's a lot of busy, busy, busy, and then there's a lot and I have a hard time finding balance. I just do and I'm trying, y'all, I'm trying. I miss like my meditations and things like that. I'm going to try to. I've been trying to spring clean my house and I'm going to sage it and do my dark energy doodoo bags that I talked about forever ago is like one of the first episodes. I think I even have a tick tock on how to make these and I hang on my doorways and I have like a high stone and an evil eye and I hang it on my doorways because I've had bad energy in this house and that shit and happening again. And also, like I mentioned, I'm getting tired of this series. I'm getting tired of talking about these men. So I think I'm wrapping this up and to no more than three more episodes and again I also apologize for I think most of this entire series I have been saying this author's name wrong.

Speaker 1 4:11

I've been calling him Matt and y'all. I am so freaking ashamed of myself because I read the author's name and I think something clicked in my brain that I knew someone with a similar name, I think in grade school. I can't remember where I knew, I know this name from, but I think it was a great school, oh my God. So I've been saying this dude said this, this dude said that nah, bitch, that's. I think that's someone I went to school with. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I am going to blame work pressure. It all comes down to work pressure these days. So yeah, I want to wrap it up because I've got some topics I want to talk about for you and your growth path, because that's what I care about. I don't care about these means, but I know it's important to understand the dynamics of what's going on in your relationship.

Speaker 1 5:08

Also, also, I have been really trying hard with this dieting business. You know I went sober, curious, for a while. I kind of fell off the wagon for about four weeks in February when I started this new role. I've been back on it in March. So I'm like, definitely not drinking as much. I didn't hang on the weekend but I really got to kick my ass in care. So I've been trying to level it up some because we're going to the beach and we're going like soon I don't even know if I have time to lose a little bit more.

Speaker 1 5:49

I mean I do. Of course I want to lose more, more. You know, like I had about eight pounds to go and you know I told you already I'm short as shit. Like a half a pound is about all my body will do a week. But you know my husband, he's been working out and like I'm getting nervous because he like Can work out for 10 minutes and he is this Hulk. All right Now. He's always worked out. He's always had a very nice body, like big biceps, shoulders, no fat on him, abs, chiseled chest, and when we first met I was not used to that. Yeah, I didn't have that with my first marriage and this is just what I like. Some people don't. I hear women like dad bods. Now I'm calling you out on that shit. I think that's. I think that is perpetuated by men in the media trying to make themselves feel better. Because I don't know, I don't know Really, really I don't know. Have you touched a chiseled chest? Oh my God, I was like my weakness when I got my divorce. I was like I'm a muscle man and I got one and he.

Speaker 1 7:15

One of my favorite memories is the first time he came over to my house and this is going to get kind of personal and I was showing him around and we went into the, my bathroom, and like we had music playing and stuff. We were having a good time. My daughter wasn't here. It was like eight, nine of the house and we had charcuterie, we had some drinks and showing you around and then, you know, we got to kissing in the bathroom and this man like kind of backed me up against the counter and like in half a second he had swooped me up and picked me up and set me on the counter and then, you know, like kept kissing me and I was like I'm talking low because he's still in bed. I do not want him to come around this corner and hear me saying this. I mean, he knows it, but it's just awkward. Anyways, so that was like something you see in movies and something I always had wanted to experience, but I don't want to like say, hey, you think he can pick me up, set me on like the hood of a car or countertop or kitchen table or whatever. I ain't going to ask no man that this man did it. I didn't have to ask him.

Speaker 1 8:42

It was one of the first dates and blew my mind and I know that's not like I don't know no-transcript that's ever happened to me. I can talk about at least in this podcast and keep it not rated a bad, bad, bad writing. Actually, actually it's already explicit rating. But you get the gist. I was just like no man who has not been working out could just pull that move. It was so smooth, flawless, like he was picking up a feather and I know feather and just, oh my god, it was like swath, swath, a swath. What is that word, I don't know, but I think that's when I knew I was like, yep, he's one man, y'all. You have no idea.

Speaker 1 9:38

I have been rambling for 10 minutes but find your man who can pull that move on you and Like, yeah, now that he's been working out even more consistently, because he's like, picked it up a notch, he's getting really huge and I Feel like a little chipmunk next to him, like I can just fit in his pocket. And I'm starting to see, like you know, I see women turn their heads around. I'm like, yeah, that's my man. But then I'm over here feeling like, ooh, I'm a frumpy, dumpy, I gotta get this shit under control. All right, I have to, because he loves me, like with a Couple extra pounds on me. Like, loves it, loves it, loves it, loves it. I can tell the difference between when I'm at my goal weight, where I'm happy with my body, and I'm at the weight he wants me to be because he is way more grabby of my hips and that's where I gain weight and I don't like it. Some people might, I don't, he loves it, but you know what they're going away.

Speaker 1 10:44

Anyway, I've been rambling because I'm feeling the heat and the pressure and I've got to get in shape so I can. Maybe I'm. I'm competitive. All right, I'll just say I'm competitive and we're kind of competing with each other, but in a fun way because, yeah, highly recommend getting if you, if you have a man you love, not if you're with a toxic douchebag, but getting in shape and doing like stuff together, because you just feel better about yourself. You know, and there's a lot to be said about that confidence in yourself and if you're with a douchebag, just work out on your own and Feel better about yourself. Because I have used that Often in the past. I had gotten in shape, you know, I think I talked about it before and lost like 50 pounds and it changed my life.

Speaker 1 11:38

So Today I am gonna have kind of a short, shorter episode than we've been doing. They've been going on too long, honestly. But this is about Let me see which one is this about. I'm still reading Lundie Bancroft's book and this is about how abuse begins. And, like I said, I'm not gonna go through the rest of this book because some of it's stuff we have already talked about, but I do want to talk about this chapter on how abuse begins.

Speaker 1 12:09

And so have you ever found yourself saying things like I don't understand what's going on? We used to be so close. I don't know if there's something wrong with him or if it's me. He really cares for me. He wants to spend every second together. My friends complain that they never see me anymore.

Speaker 1 12:25

Now he's gonna get into love bombing, which I think it's kind of like a recent term and if you're not familiar with it, it's like when you first start dating someone and they demand your attention. They non-stop text you call you, they want to spend every moment with you. When you're gone, they don't know how to entertain themselves. They get very clingy and you know you might think like, oh wow, this person really cares about me, especially if you're coming from like a vulnerable place and you know you've been in the cycle before and for me it was my ex was like delivering me flowers and and like just overly like gifting me and stuff, and I was like, of course, I was young I was 20, I think when we met, and so I was like, oh my gosh, this is what love is. You know, I feel so taken care of, and yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 1 13:22

And then like, oh my god, here's a funny one. He would want to spend every moment with me and he used to travel because we met online and he would come down here and he would want me to stay, then I in the hotel, and sometimes I did, but sometimes I wanted to go home and it was because I had to fart. I Bet you did not expect that, but I told you I keep it real in this podcast. We would go out to eat and I would get so Bloated because, of course, I'm wearing some tight pants and some tight shirts and I'm looking all cute, and I would get so bloated and so much in pain and I just, you know, I wanted to go home and I'm putting my pants comfortable and he would get mad. He wanted every second with me. But back then I was young and I was stupid and no one educated me on this stuff, so I was like, well, he just lives me, spend all his time with me, and so it was miserable and felt guilty and gave in. But yeah, part of love bombing. But you did not expect that story. All right, let's read a little bit more about this.

Speaker 1 14:42

The idealic opening is part of almost every abusive relationship. How else would an abuser ever have a partner? Women aren't stupid. If you go out to a restaurant on a giddy first date and, over desert, the man calls you a selfish bitch and sends your water glass flying across the room, you don't say, hey, are you free again next weekend? There has to be a hook. Very few women hate themselves so thoroughly that they will get involved with a man who is rotten from the very start, although they may feel terrible about themselves later, once the abuser has had time to destroy their self-image step by step.

Speaker 1 15:15

The partners of my clients and again, this is Lundy Bancroft talking. That is his true name, lundy Bancroft from the book. Why Does he Do that? He says the partners of my clients have described to me the many ways in which the glowing beginning of a relationship with an abusive man can serve to entrap a woman, including.

Speaker 1 15:32

Like any love-struck person, she runs around telling her friends and family what a terrific guy he is. After talking him up so much she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins. So she begins to keep it to herself for a long time. She assumes that his abusiveness comes from something that has gone wrong inside of him. What else is she to conclude, given how wonderful he was at first? So she pours herself into figuring out what happened. She's a hard time letting go of her own dreams, since she thought she'd found a wonderful man, and she can't help wondering if she did something wrong or has some great personal deficit that knocked down their castle in the sky. So she tries to find the key to the problem inside of herself. Ooh, kali, that sounds familiar. Finding the key to the problem inside of yourself. Does that ring a bell? You are the key, but you're not the key to his problem, you're the key to your resolution. So and that quote was from me, that was a very good one huh, he goes on to talk about early on relationship, love, bombing, stuff, and then he starts describing early warning signs of abuse.

Speaker 1 16:43

I'm not going into these in detail. If you want these in detail, go back to the episodes I did in the summer. I'm sorry, I don't know if y'all can hear that, but I have these motherfucker bluebirds who have built a nest in a oh my gosh, I need coffee this morning in a birdhouse that I put close to my window and every spring we have birds in there, but this spring we have dumb ass birds because they have constantly been pecking at my window for two weeks now, all day long. I don't know what they're doing. It's like they're trying to fly into the house, but both of them are just like beating the shit out of my window and I don't get it. I've never seen this behavior. I don't know. But anyways, go back to. I believe this is the last summer I recorded those episodes called, as my husband, abusive, or is he an asshole? I think I titled it a juice bag just to get around like filters and stuff, but maybe I didn't, maybe I said a hell, I don't remember. But it was a good one because we went through the power and control will and on.

Speaker 1 18:02

D Bank Roth breaks power and control stuff down in this book, especially in this chapter. But just to touch on some stuff real quick the warning signs of abuse is he speaks disrespectfully about his former partners, he is disrespectful towards you, he does favors for you that you don't want or puts on a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable, like love bombing you. He is controlling, he is possessive. Nothing is ever his fault. He's self-centered. He abuses drugs or alcohol. He pressures you for sex. He gets serious too quickly about the relationship, again love bombing. He intimidates you when he's angry. He has double standards, he has negative attitudes towards women, he treats you differently around other people and he appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

Speaker 1 18:48

No single one of the warning signs of these warning signs I just listed is the sign of an abusive man, with the exception of physical Intimidation. So not a single one of those will tell you if he's abusive, except physical intimidation. And if you don't know what that is, come on. It's pointing fingers in your face, yelling at you back in your corner, things like that. Many non-abusive men may exhibit a number of these behaviors to a limited degree.

Speaker 1 19:15

What, then, should a woman do to protect herself from having a relationship turn abusive? Although there is no full prosolution, the best plan is one make it clear to him as soon as possible which behaviors or attitudes are unacceptable to you and that you cannot be in a relationship with him if they continue. Number two if it happens again, stop seeing him for a substantial period of time. Don't keep seeing him with a warning that this time don't keep seeing him with a warning that this time you really mean it, because he will probably interpret that to mean that you don't, and you're going to interpret it that too. Come on, we've been here, we know. We know how this plays out. I'm not to give you my advice. This is Lundy Bancroft's advice and the third thing he tells you if it happens a third time or if he switches to other behaviors that are warning flags change so great that he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances, you are likely to regret it later. Finally, be aware that as an abuser begins to slide into abuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing His perceptions. Work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can't imagine the problem might be him. All he notices is that you don't seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all giving differential room. So Matt gave you oh my God, I'm calling Matt again, son of a bitch Lundy gave you three like details here on what to do if you suspect he's abusive.

Speaker 1 20:39

I'm going to narrow it down further to one I would get the fuck out. I would get the fuck out at the first sign he is controlling by, he is possessive, by. Nothing is ever his fault by. I know Lundy is like not one of these men's who's abusive, but then it just means he's an asshole and why would you want to be with either one? So that's my advice and yeah, there's no gray, it's black and white. Just be done with it. Any of those signs, girl, leave. And, like I said, he starts talking about all these different abuses and like, let's see, is being sorry after an incident, helpful, yonny Anna, and then he's talks about take self protection steps quickly and I will go over this because this is important.

Speaker 1 21:39

Many women take a wait and see attitude when signs of abuse appear in a partner's behavior. Again, remember I told you cut that shit out, don't do it. That's stupid. They tell themselves it's so hard to leave him right now because I still love him, but if he gets worse, that will lessen my feelings for him and then breakup will be easier. This is a dangerous trap. The longer you're with an abuser and the more destructive he becomes, the harder it can be to extricate yourself. How do I say that? How do you say that word? The harder it can be to leave, all right For the following reasons the more time he has to tear you down your self opinion, the more difficult it will be for you to believe that you deserve better treatment.

Speaker 1 22:19

The more time he has to hurt you emotionally, the more likely your energy and initiative are to diminish, so that it gets harder to master the strength to get out. The more damage he does to your relationship with friends and families and family, the less support you will have after the for the difficult process of ending the relationship. And the longer you have been living with the cycles of intermittent abuse and kind, loving treatment, the more attached you are likely to fill him through a process known as traumatic bonding, which he explains in another chapter. So, for all these reasons, act sooner rather than later. At the same time, if you've already gotten, if you've already been excuse me, I cannot read today, it is very early in the morning, but that's how I roll If you've already been in a relationship with an abuser for five years or 10 or 30, it is never too late to recover your rights and get free. Help is available. You know, matter how long your relationship has lasted and how deep the effects have been and the needless resources in the back.

Speaker 1 23:19

One final word of caution If you do not have children with your abuser, keep it that way. Some women hope their arrival of a baby can cause an abuser to change his behaviors, but it can't. It won't make him settle down, become more responsible or gain maturity. It won't stop his jealous accusations by convincing him that you are committed to him, nor will it get him to stop cheating on you. The presence of children in a home won't make him stop abusing you. Having children with an abusive partner will just make your life more stressful than it was before as you begin to worry about the facts that his behavior is having on your children. And if you decide later that you do not, that you do want to leave him, having children will make the choice much harder and will raise the possibility that he will threaten to seek custody.

Speaker 1 24:00

I have yet to encounter a case where their arrival of children solved a woman's problem with an abusive man, or even less than them, and I hope in 2024, y'all still do not think this, like my God. No, children do not help any volatile situation like this, they will make it 10 times worse and then you are setting them up for a life of trauma and possibly falling into the cycle that you're in. So don't do it. That's just a huge, dumb mistake. But again, if you follow my advice of oh well, this is abusive behavior, should I say or should I go, and you go, like I'm telling you to, then maybe you won't get to this problem right here. But since he is talking about like being in these relationships for so long and then making the decision to get out and yada, yada, yada, listen to my entire podcast, because that's what it's about. Right? You're not stuck. This, the audience for my podcast in my book is women who have felt stuck for so long and these relationships and how to get out step by step, and that's by building up yourself and focusing on yourself.

Speaker 1 25:16

So he has a chapter after this called the abusive man in everyday life. I'm not gonna go into it because I don't give two shits about the abusive man in everyday life. He goes over stuff like he sees arguments as war. You're always wrong in his eyes. Now, this is stuff we already know. I've already been over. If you want the details, buy the book, buy the book. It's got good stuff in here, but I'm not going over this. And then let me see.

Speaker 1 25:43

He also, in this chapter, talks about abusive man and sex, like using you as a sex object, makeup sex, trauma, bonding sex as a cure, all sex as a way to keep women divided, how to stop that routine, the role of pornography which could be a whole podcast itself sex and double standards, sex and vulnerability. And then he goes into another chapter called abusive men and addiction and he breaks it down on how partner abuse and addiction are similar. Not all abusive partners are substance abusers. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So if you have that excuse you're always making for your husband it's like, oh he, I'm relaxed this way when he's been drinking you might want to read that chapter, because you don't need to blame it on the alcohol, you need to blame it on him. So, anyways, that was the end of this episode.

Speaker 1 26:43

I told you to be a little bit shorter, but I think I covered everything. The next two, maybe three, are probably gonna be just as short, because I think we've got all like the details, the general details and the general gist of this book down. We're all empowered, right. We got the knowledge, we know the types of abusers and what's going on inside their mind so you can make informed decisions and I hope, again, going back to what I've been saying, I hope those decisions are get the fuck out, dude. Get the fuck out, but make sure you're safe. I have a breakfast sandwich Now. Look, this is a low calorie breakfast sandwich, but I have it calling my name with a cup of coffee and the sun is just rising. It's beautiful day and I'm like why am I in here in front of the screen when I've been doing this all week at work? So I'm cutting out and I hope you enjoy your day too, and if you have anything you want me to cover, remember there's a leak in the show notes.

Speaker 1 27:51

I think that goes to Google form. It's like topic requests. You have any topic request. You want me to answer any questions. You want me to talk about anything. You got any, like you know, pressing issues that you think you would love for me to give you my wonderful non-expert guidance on reach out Again, you can also find me on Instagram, like, if you want to slide into my DMs.

Speaker 1 28:18

That's probably the way I do it, because I don't get on social media much anymore. I do get on Instagram, but usually just to talk and my DMs. So, yeah, have a safe, wonderful day. Thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 1 28:36

If you love the show, please leave a rating, a review, and if you know anyone who also might love the show or who could benefit from this information, please be sure to share it and subscribe. The more we get this out to people, the more people we can help, and I truly believe there's so many women who need to hear these words, because so many women are feeling stuck. Also, if you're looking for me, you can usually find me on the gram at author Cat Adams, and be sure to head over to my website and that's catadamsadamswithadoubled'scom. Subscribe to my newsletter for the latest information. Also, when you subscribe, you're gonna get a free novella. And just be forewarned, my Oronti romcom is as dirty as my mouth. So if that's your thing, go for it. It's super hilarious. But thank you again for tuning in. Until next time, please stay safe and I'll see you on the other side. So pretty.