Escaping Toxicity: In Every Way

Today, we close our series on Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," underscoring a hard truth: we cannot alter an abusive partner, but we can transform our own path. 

And concluding that ... I have some news. This mama needs a break. Tune in for news of my burnout and what I'm doing about it. Hint: it's not more work!

Thank you so much for listening! I hope you enjoyed this podcast. If so, please leave a rating and review so we can spread the word to the women who need it the most.

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Transcript

Breaking Free

Speaker 1 0:00

It's time to wake up witches. I'm your host, kat Adams, and I'm here to remind you that no matter where you're at in life, you're not stuck. Welcome back to the show. I am so glad you joined because I have some stuff I need to tell you and it's super important. And we're wrapping up this series on lundy bancancroft's book. Why Does he Do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

Speaker 1 0:48

And by wrapping up this series, what I really mean is I'm just going to read to you the titles of the next chapters and you can figure out if you want to go ahead and buy the book and dig deeper into it. So the next chapters that I am not going to be going over for reasons I'm about to explain is called the Abusive man and Breaking Up Abusive Men as Parents, abusive Men and their Allies, the Abusive man in the Legal System, the Making of an Abusive man, the Process of Change and Creating an Abuse-Free World world. So if you would like further details on the rest of this book series or on what we've already covered just in more detail, highly, highly recommend this book. I actually think every woman should read this book. I think this book should be taught in high school, like ninth grade at the latest. Seriously, I've learned so much and you can spot these signs of a straight up asshole who is going to waste your time and break you down by just reading this book. It is super, super, super, super helpful.

Speaker 1 1:58

Now, that being said, why did I just fly through that and like give up on the last chapters? First of all, I think you got the most important pieces already. I think what I've explained is what do they call it? Like nuts and bolts or some shit? I don't know baseline. That's the stuff you really need to know. Also, what you need to know and I hope you've already learned this from my podcast is no, you will not change him. No, he is not going to change. Yes, you have to change yourself.

Speaker 1 2:33

If there's anything you've taken away from this podcast, please know it, is that you are not stuck in a toxic situation. You're not stuck in an abusive marriage. You're not stuck with just some asshole. Maybe he's not abusive, but he's an asshole. Then again, why do you want to be with him? You are not stuck. You are worth so much more. So don't waste your time on figuring out what you can do to change him or even trying to understand him. I mean, like I said, read this book, but then, after that, like, have your understanding, just so it answers your internal questions, because I know you keep asking yourself why is he doing this? Why is he doing that? What is it about me? This book will help you understand that it's not about you, but don't waste any more time on that shit. You need to spend your energy on helping yourself, growing yourself, realizing that you have resources at your fingertips that can help you get out of this shitty relationship. Like, please, please, know that. And it is so much better on the other side, been there, done that. Oh my God, like I wish I could just show you like happiness coming from a toxic relationship.

Speaker 1 3:49

Let me give you a recent example, and this isn't about me. It's about a friend who I have known for a couple years. If she's listening to this, I don't know, but anyways, I'm talking shit about you, girl. I am so proud of you. She has been in a shitty relationship for years and unable to escape it for reasons, and I've been there telling her, like you know, you can do it and we do all like the manifestation stuff and the witchy stuff, and just keep positive, you know, and keep your eyes on the prize and yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 1 4:26

And she was like I do not want to date anyone else when I finally leave. I just I can't stand men, I don't want to do it anymore. And then the other day she was like, yeah, you know how I said I wasn't going to date again. Well, I got this hot 26-year-old dude who can't keep his hands off me and I was, you know, not going to lie. That's kind of the advice I was given. I'm not going to say it's bad advice, but I was like, girl, you know, once you get out of that shitty relationship and you find someone who desires you and like passionate and treat you well and like you got this bomb ass, like you know, just passion flowing through you, oh my god, I'm like you're not gonna think about him again.

Speaker 1 5:15

And she's at that stage and I can't stop smiling just thinking about how excited she is and then how she has this brand new life where she used to, you know, not be happy. I'm not going to details on her personal business, but not not. She was not thriving and living life to the fullest. I can see her thriving and living life to the fullest right now and all I got to say is fuck, yes. So am I telling you to go, leave your husband and find a hot 26 year old dude who's going to fill you up all day, maybe. But you know what, be safe about it. If you are, there's a lot of douchebags out there. Have your fun, just be careful, be safe. And I mean no regrets here.

Speaker 1 5:59

I'm not gonna like say, you know, my therapist was and I hesitate even saying this because I know this is probably bad advice but my therapist was like, don't start dating, you need to find yourself, you need to work on yourself, blah, blah, blah. You got to heal yourself and no, I jumped straight to dating and then I got married and I couldn't be happier because I found, like one of the only men left that is going to support me through my trauma recovery. So it worked out for me. It does not work out for everybody, but you know what Do you? Everyone has a different story. I'm just sharing this stuff to tell you fuck, it feels good, holy shit balls. It feels good to be out of a controlling relationship and be either single and having your fun, or married to someone who values you and treat you as an equal partner, son of a bitch. I wish I could tell you, show you, make you feel how amazing that is, if you are still feeling stuck Now. I'm saying all this because mama needs a break. All this because mama needs a break.

Speaker 1 7:05

Maybe my therapist was right and like she was, like you need to fix yourself and work on yourself before you do this, this, this. And I didn't listen and I don't regret it, but now I need to stop and I need to. I need to fix myself, not like through trauma or anything like that. I mean, yeah, sure, there's some lingering stuff left, but I have not been kind to myself, y'all. I have not. And I go through these phases where I try to be and things are good, but then it just comes crashing down and, like, just talking about this, I'm seriously trying not to cry because I don't know what's been wrong with me, but the past few weeks have been so bad to where, like, I'm on the edge of tears all the time, at work, at home, I'm moody, I'm snapping at everyone, I am like dizzy a lot and my health is suffering. I'm just not doing good. I'm not doing good and I think it's burnout. I really think it's burnout and I used to pride myself on like I've never had burnout, like I just went through a shitty divorce.

Speaker 1 8:16

I spent three years writing 20 novels. I wake up at 5am, I go to bed at like eight. I have no life. I'm always running around doing a school commute that takes me three hours a day. I have the most high pressure job I've ever had in my life. I didn't even know Like this type of job could be so challenging. It's you know where my boss is having to tell every all like 600 people who work for her that, yeah, I know this is intense right now. It's we did not know we would grow so fast. I like 500 percent and that's why we are all like with our hair on fire all the time. There is apparently such thing as growing too fast. Never thought of it, but I can see the cons in it and it's killing me. Like I will say about oh, 75% of my pressure is from my job and that's something I can't fall back on right now because that is my main source of income and I have not been able to write. I haven't been able to do anything I enjoy. I Saturday.

Speaker 1 9:28

I start getting the Monday anxieties already. I'm like I don't want to log into work and I work from home y'all. I'm like I don't want to do these meetings. I have to sit straight up and be in back-to-back meetings all day, every day, and it drains me because I'm introverted and I have to make decisions. And it's gotten so bad to where my husband is like we're walking, you know, after work we're trying to walk. It's the only time I get out of the house and he's like do you want to go left or right? You want to go around the lake or around the neighborhood? And I say I don't care, I'm following you, I can't make another decision, just please, like I don't even want to talk, I'm so talked out, I'm so burnt out. I can't make the decision to go right or left. That's how bad it is. It's so bad that I haven't been able to take care of myself.

Speaker 1 10:23

I go to the store and I buy like salad stuff, you know, and like cucumbers and peppers, and they rot because I don't have a couple minutes to chop them up. That is how bad it is. I literally do not have a couple minutes to get away from my computer and chop this up. So what do I do? I usually spend my Sunday like food prepping. Now that takes a while, right. Sunday is also the day I do my podcast. Sunday is also the day I do my laundry. I have my. I have cleaners clean my house. Think, think, goddess, lilith, whoever, universe, whoever you want to thank for blessing me with that. I have people clean my house, because there's no way I would have that capacity to clean my house right now when I can't even chop a fucking cucumber.

Speaker 1 11:15

I when I tell y'all I am working and I am busy, I am working and I am busy and I have been doing that for the past years I'm not even say five years after the divorce, even though it hasn't even been five years. I don't think I did this as a stay at home mom. I had a little bit more flexibility, but it's really ramped up since my divorce and I have not slowed down. I also volunteered my time. You know, on weekends I would volunteer my time. Saturday's the day that we usually like do our hiking or exercising, or we exercise all week. But Saturday is, like you know, bike riding time with a family, stuff like that. But for me, to get any true solitude and downtime, I don't have that. I have not had that because I'm still working on my Sunday. My Sunday is, you know, my me time. My husband usually goes and visits his family, but even then, what am I doing? I'm food prepping, I'm doing laundry, I'm recording this podcast. So, right now, laundry. I'm recording this podcast.

Struggling With Work-Life Balance

Speaker 1 12:19

So right now, while I have literally been having breakdowns, crying every single day out of the blue, out of nowhere, like unable to cut a cucumber, unable to make the decision if I want to take a walk around a lake or around a neighborhood, and I look at my, I've been looking at this book. Why does he do that? And I just I get sick. I've been physically sick. I've been super, super dizzy and like lethargic and just weak. And also I'm dieting. I mean, that also plays a part but I'm not able to like truly be kind to myself and give myself the healthy kind of dieting I need to do.

Speaker 1 12:59

It's basically just starving myself because I don't have time to fix anything and I'm a horrible person about asking for help. I do not want to ask for help. You know my husband will offer it. If he offers it sometime, I'm gonna be like, yeah, you know, I could use the help, but I'm hardheaded and stubborn and sometimes I can be really fucking stupid and I don't. I don't get help like work. My boss and coworkers are always like raise your hand if you need to escalate anything and we need you to help you with anything. Do I ever ask for help? Hell, no, hell, no. I know that is something I need to work on, which is why I am taking this break.

Speaker 1 13:41

I don't want to look at this book and read this book anymore. I don't want it on my desk. I don't want my microphone on my desk, because that also stresses me out right now, because I'm like oh my gosh, I got to record the podcast. I can't be late on the podcast. I don't want to let anybody down, but the person I'm letting down right now is me. It's me, and I've been doing that for a long time. I take care of everybody but me, and I keep saying I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 1 14:06

And I'm at a point in my life where I can't find the time. I truly cannot find the time, and I am too worn out. If I do have a moment of peace, I'm like I can't do anything. I can't even like. My brain is so at mental fatigue. I can't do simple math problems. I can zone out to the TV, but even then I'm not really focused because I'm thinking about work.

Speaker 1 14:30

I wake up at three o'clock at night, every single night, thinking about work. On the drive to my daughter's school I'm going through conversations about meetings at work, conversations about meetings at work. And it's not just work, work, it's also podcast, you know. It's also um, like book related stuff, any sort of labor. I can't do any more labor. I just can't.

Speaker 1 14:55

And I realize this is probably sounding like a rant, but I'm honestly trying to keep from crying as I tell y'all this. I'm having a really hard time finding work-life balance. So I have to figure out where I can cut and unfortunately right now it's going to be taking a break from the podcast and it sucks because this is kind of like my outlet. But right now I can't have this as my outlet because it's work for me and I don't want more work. My husband's like why don't you just stop doing everything, stop writing, stop, you know, the podcast, stop reaching out to be guest speaker of stuff and um, your marketing and your branding and like doing this and that and this and that, and I've been spring cleaning y'all. Like I have I don't know.

Speaker 1 15:49

I'm still keeping myself busy instead of just slowing down and stopping, which is like what all the gurus tell you to do. Like stop and just let stuff flow to you and you know, just life will go on and what's going to happen is supposed to happen. And y'all know I want to move out of Memphis, tennessee, and it's been so stressful being here that like I've even started packing. I don't know when I'm going to be able to leave here. I've got stuff you know, like an ex-husband who's probably going to cause me problems if I want to leave with my kid who he never sees. So I got some shit going on and I can't like figure any of it out until I slow down and I don't even know what that's like, like the thought right now of me, like I just by the way, it's Sunday I just food prepped, I spring cleaned, I smudged my whole house, because I do that when I spring clean I made my dark energy doo-doo bags, which, if you have not heard that episode, it's like I think the second episode, I think the second episode I hang them on my door entryways. I did all the laundry today. I washed dishes.

Speaker 1 16:56

I am finally sitting down to record this podcast and I'm like, okay, well, I've done. I think I could find other stuff to do, but I've done most everything. So now, what am I going to do? Like, do I just sit and don't out to TikTok, or I think that's called numbing yourself, I don't know, but if I'm not being productive, then I don't feel good, I guess. You see, now I'm just talking to myself and this is all the stuff that's in my head, which is why I'm pretty sure this is burnout. I don't know. I'm about to actually go Google burnout symptoms, because I have never in my life felt this way. I felt like depressed, you know, and anxious, going through some stuff, and tired, but I have not felt like on the verge of mental collapse ever, ever, cause I am an overachiever and that's never bothered me until now.

Speaker 1 17:47

So buy the book. Why does he do that? Buy my book, bitches. Buy, you're Not Stuck, but don't, don't, um, what is the word? Don't follow in my footsteps on the work thing. Be more kind to yourself. I will say my hard work has paid off.

Speaker 1 18:09

I am fully independent woman. I was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years. Never thought anyone would hire me. What I'm doing now operations I didn't even have the background in, and I'm fucking killing it. I'm also killing me at the same time. I don't recommend that, but I also do all this stuff. Y'all, I do it for y'all.

Speaker 1 18:32

I do the podcast and the books, and I miss writing. You know, if you've been listening to this podcast, you're like why does she keep talking about this? I miss writing. That was my therapy, and I'm like man, that's something I could do. If I had, like, no other obligations or responsibilities, I could write again, Not with the hopes of, like I'm going to publish this book, although maybe I will, but maybe just to have fun with it. I miss Fritzie Cox, I miss my vampires and the funny drunk goat and the four awesome chicks in DTF support your local girl gang who drove the pink taco truck. I fucking love them. Those are my people. Those are like my characters. They all have a little bit of me in them, and I miss getting my therapy out that way, so maybe, maybe I can do that again. I don't know.

Speaker 1 19:25

The plan right now, though, is to just be still and stop doing anything. That's labor outside of my job and taking care of you know, like my daughter, my husband, I don't have to take care of him. He's self-sufficient because he's an equal partner and not a big man child like most men. Oh, while I'm on this topic, y'all, I wanted to do a whole entire podcast on something called the 4B movement. And while I'm talking about that, I think this whole series I did also burned me out, talking about men and why they do that, because that's not where I get my joy. I get my joy on talking about, like, smashing the patriarchy, yeah, and you know all the witchy stuff and helping grow you, even though I know that's a part of growing you is, you know, gaining that knowledge. But I think that burned me out too. And I've been like listening to all this different podcasts and stuff and learning about different feminist techniques, and one of them is this 4B movement. I'm like, oh my God, I want to talk about that because it's amazing. I'm not doing an episode on it right now, but I do want to tell you about it so you can go look. Usually I've been finding stuff on TikTok, so before they ban it, don't get me started on that. Before they ban it, go look up 4B Movement.

Speaker 1 20:44

It's a feminist movement which originated in South Korea in 2019. Its proponents renounce dating men, marriage, sex and having children. They're basically like you know what I would rather drive this human race into extinction than fucking have babies with a man who does not value me. So, fuck men, they're giving up on men. They're like, they're done. They are done with men and they're you know I don't know if you've heard about it, but like the um, what is it called? The pregnancy rate, the childbirth rate, whatever? That's how fried my brain is. It's like plummeted over there and it's catching on everywhere. And women are just so sick of men. They're stopping being in relationships with men, having sex with men. They're stopping being in relationships with men having sex with men, getting married to men having children. They're just, they're done. And it's pretty fucking awesome because, been there, done that and I don't know, maybe it'll one day be a new day for women, but I can't go into it because that's labor. I'm like most women. I do not want to do any more damn labor. So my apologies if you're like no, I wanted to hear this bitch talk some more. Seriously, I get it.

Speaker 1 22:03

I feel like I'm letting everybody down, but right now I'm really worried about my health, mentally and physically, when I'm having like dizzy spells and foggy mental spells and you know, breaking down every time I turn around. I just I need a break. So how long is this break? I don't know. Is it a couple of weeks? Is it going to be all summer, maybe? Because I do have a vacation plan to the beach and to Sedona Very much needed and the last thing I want to think about is podcast topics or work or anything like that. So I really have no idea. It's a break until I feel refreshed.

Speaker 1 22:46

Now I like to run my mouth. I have a lot of shit to say and this is my safe outlet to do it. So, that being said, if I come back in two weeks, don't judge me. We're going to see where this takes me. Maybe I'll just even record here and there when I feel something important to say. Maybe not every single week, because I've been doing this every single week for a year now. I don't know. I'm playing it by ear and I'm being kind to myself, and now I'm rambling because I don't want to let y'all go. I'm kind of sad about this, but I'm kind of like. I feel like a weight off my shoulders because I am going to go put this book up I'm sick of seeing it on my desk and I'm going to put this microphone up because it doesn't match anything in my room Weird like that.

Speaker 1 23:34

Y'all know how I am about aesthetics, but yeah, so always if you need anything, I have an open door. You can reach me on Instagram at authorkatadams that's Adams with a double D's. I am always available on Instagram. Like slide into my DMs If you need anything, if you want me to ever cover, you know, future podcast topics or you'd like some advice. Again, I'm not an expert, but I do have some knowledge in this toxic bullshit area. Other than that, I wish you well and stay tuned.

Speaker 1 24:16

I hope to come back a better, more refreshed cat who talks about things like I used to be able to. You know more empowering stuff, less about men, because everything else in this world is about men and this was our space to exclude them. Ha ha ha, fuckers and talk about us and how amazing you are and how amazing women are and how women can change the world, because, unfortunately, it's only up to us to change the world. You have to save yourself. No one's coming to save you, so remember that. Remember, you're not stuck. You need more information. Go pick up my book. It's on all major retailers. Go back, listen to all my podcast stuff. I have some really cool episodes. Adios bichachos I'm out. Thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 1 25:09

If you love the show, please leave a rating, a review, and if you know anyone who also might love the show or who could benefit from this information, please be sure to share it and subscribe. The more we get this out to people, the more people we can help, and I truly believe there's so many women who need to hear these words, because so many women are feeling stuck. Hear these words because so many women are feeling stuck. Also, if you're looking for me, you can usually find me on the ground at author Kat Adams, and be sure to head over to my website, and that's Kat Adams. Adams with a double D'scom. Subscribe to my newsletter for the latest information. Also, when you subscribe, you're going to get a free novella. And just be forewarned, my raunchy rom-com is as dirty as my mouth. So if that's your thing, go for it. It's super hilarious. But thank you again for tuning in. Until next time, please stay safe and I'll see you on the other side.