How Could God Let This Happen? A Mother's Grief After Losing Two Sons

This podcast episode will touch your heart as Keke Williams shares her raw emotions walking through the grieving process of losing two sons, both at the age of twenty-four, after a suicide and an unsolved murder. You'll hear about her struggles during times when she felt like God seemingly turned His back on her, not once, but twice. Her transparency offers insights about comforting ourselves and others after unimaginable things happen. 

Transcript

Keke Williams 0:01

So I'm like at this point so angry with God because I'm thinking, how could you let something this horrible happen to me when I pray constantly over my gifts? This second death literally broke me down. And I didn't think I would ever be able to start the grieving process again. I thought it was over with for me.

Dr. Geneus 0:22

Thanks for gracing us with your ears today. You're listening to the Faith to Feel podcast. And I'm your host, Dr. Janus. God has so much more for us to know, experience, and do if we have the faith to feel. Faith should give us courage to feel, to have difficult conversations about our feelings, and to face challenges that we might otherwise avoid. That's what this podcast is all about. In our efforts to strive for transparency, we do our best to discuss topics that evoke emotions. It's our hope that the stories you hear will bring understanding and comfort to those who are grieving and for those who are concerned about someone grieving. While this is not our intention, the topics discussed in this episode might be triggering for some audiences. I'm talking with my cousin, Kiki Williams. As part of the series Grieving Out Loud, I've asked Kiki to talk about her experiences, losing a son to suicide. And then less than two years later, another of her sons was murdered, both at the age of 24. I've asked Kiki to share her experiences with grief because she's so honest about what it's like to live after tragedies. Her transparency will touch your heart as you listen to her story. Kiki, how would you describe your son Donnie to people who did not know him?

Keke Williams 1:52

Donnie, that was my uh my energizer bunny. He was my child that was um, he was excellent in school, he was funny, he was silly. You would never have thought that he had any type of issues or any thoughts of, you know, leaving this earth before God's calling. But he also battled issues with religion. One minute he would come home from school and he would say, you know, I'm a Buddhist. And the next minute he was a Christian, next minute he was a Jehovah's Witness. He studied all he was a mother for a while. But he just really was trying to find where he fit in as far as religion-wise. Did have a little girl that he left me, which I'm so thankful for. He actually has two little girls. Donnie was a uh well-rounded, very smart. He could have a conversation with a two-year-old and entertain him and have a conversation with an 80-year-old and entertain them. He was just that type of person. In November 2018, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, he had called me and we talked for probably two hours. Said, all right, I love you. I said, I'm gonna see you on Thanksgiving. Everything was fine. He called me back like 20 minutes later and was like, Mom, you know, he told me about some girl sending him these pictures in his inbox that he's not really feeling. You know, we laughed about it or whatever. And he had a little couple little issues going on with his present girlfriend. They were on kind of little shaky grounds or whatever. They were having their you know, they were going through some some issues, and not that the issues that they were going through weren't so bad that I would think that he would try to end his life. Relationship problems. He told me he loved me again, and we we hung up, and that was that. So come Thursday, it's Thanksgiving. I'm sending him pictures of my food, he's not responding, he's not even viewing it. The girlfriend, she's inboxing me, like, hey, let me talk to Don. You know, a couple days I've been calling him, texting, he's not answering the phone. And I'm just thinking, well, he's mad at you right now, so he's probably just dodging you. I still didn't think that something serious was going on. So when after it got closer to six and seven o'clock, I'm thinking he didn't come home to eat, he's not, you know, answering none of my phone calls or my texts, or something's gotta be going on. So I contacted my uncle that also lives in Athens. He said Donnie's car has been parked outside, but they haven't seen Donnie in a couple days. And then his good friend that was staying with him said he had been staying with my uncle because Donnie hasn't been letting him in at night. I'm like, this is just not this don't sound right. So we called and had a wellness check done, and they found Donnie, you know, when they went in there. They didn't tell me at the time what had actually happened. They called me and they said, you know, Donnie's being life blighted to Columbus hospital because oh, Bliss wasn't equipped for what he was going through. And I'm thinking, well, you know, Bliss is a small hospital, whatever it is, you know, that makes sense that they were sending to a bigger hospital. They said he's took pills and was drinking and whatever. So I'm thinking, oh my goodness, this girl must have really got to him. I don't know, but I'm on my way to Columbus to meet with my kid. So as I'm getting ready and I'm trying to get to Columbus from Akron, I'm because I'm from Akron, Ohio. It's like a two and a half hour drive, two hour drive, two hours and 45 minutes. So as I'm driving, the nurse from the hospital contacts me and she tells me that they got my son via life light and that it's urgent that I got there and that I got there. And I'm like, okay, she said, however, have somebody drive you because we don't want you to get any accidents or anything like that. I said, Well, I've already headed that way, and someone is driving me. So she told me what floor to come to and who to act for when I arrived. So once I got there, mind is everywhere. We get to the floor, I ask for the young lady that I'm supposed to act for. She comes out, she tells me who she is and who else they're waiting for, which was the Reverend, another doctor, and somebody else that was supposed to come in. So I'm sitting there like, okay, I got kind of nervous because this I've never been through nothing like this. And I'm just like, okay, you know, whatever. Let's just, you know, get get whoever needs to come in. I need to know what's going on with my kid. So she's asking me, like, well, what did they tell you happened? And I said, Well, they said he took some pills and he was drinking. And um, that's really all I know. And she was like, Okay, okay. So we everybody comes, the other parties arrive, they take us to a room to the back, and another doctor asks me the same thing. Well, what did you what did they tell you? And I'm like, Well, they told me my son took some pills and he um had some alcohol, and pretty much that's it. And he was like, Okay, well, Donald was brought in with a bullet wound, and as soon as they said bullet wound, I lost it. Fell out a little bit or whatever. Once they got me back together or whatever, they said he had a a bullet wound to the head, and that it most likely happened a couple days ago. So in my head, I'm thinking, my poor baby was in this house, you know, for these couple days with a bullet hole in his head, alive, you know, and I'm thinking of the pain and the anguish. I'm just thinking so much, like my emotions is running crazy, and it's just like this is I was I can't even describe I was holding at that time because it's it's undescribable. And so they were preparing me to go back, and they said he had a lot of damage to the left side of his brain, but he was he was alive and he's here, and they got they just got him not too long ago, so they're running fast and whatever, but I can't see him. So when they took me back, I'm just thinking he's so light and a bullet to the forehead, he's probably it's probably gonna break me down to see him. So when they took me back, he had a lot of tubes and everything hooked on him, but he looked like he was asleep. He had a little cat over his injury, and he looked beautiful, like couldn't believe it. For someone to have actually had that type of impact on their body, look like that. But to see him with the tubes and everything else, you know, I looked past how good he looked. I was just my son, and he needs help, you know. And I was so hurt and crushed and angry with God. I was mad at the world. I just thank God I had a lot, you know, my all my family came and was there for me, but it was the worst day of my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy to see something that you gave life to, possibly life being taken. So, you know, we I got to talk to him, I got to touch him. They kept telling me that at this stage, he even though he's not talking, the last thing to go is your hearing. So he can hear things. So I tried to get as much off my vest to him that I could and tell him I love him, and was just so much I was trying to put in his head. And the next day they pushed me to the are you gonna pull the plug or let him live in a vegetated state, and we basically put him in a nursing home, and basically his quality of life is z zero to none, and they're throwing all these things at me to make this decision. So I'm like at this point, so angry with God because I'm thinking, how could you let something this horrible happen to me when I pray constantly over my kids? I pray about them all the time. I try to do right by others. How could you let this happen and not actually see it through? You did the worst thing that you possibly do to me. You know what I'm saying? You allow this to happen and then got the the nerve to have me choose whether he lives or die. How am I supposed to do that? As a mother, I'm never gonna say pull the plug. I don't care how he will just come back to Akron and I'll be able to look at him, breathing and living because I'm not pulling the plug, but I was so angry with God. I'm downstairs in the cafeteria bathroom, cussing God out and screaming and crying. And my daughter had caught my cell phone and she was like, Mom, you know, you need to get back up here because his um condition changed. So when I get up there, the doctors are telling me that he's passing on on his own. So I didn't, at the time, I'm still angry. I'm bitter with God. You know, a while later, as I was trying to heal from all that, I realized that, you know, God maybe hurt me and he went ahead and I didn't have to make that decision and took my child. At that time, I was so angry with God that I didn't, you know, how could you let my baby suffer for them days? But as I was going through my healing process after that, I thought, okay, God did that. Maybe that was Donnie's time to find his peace with God. You know what I'm saying? Because he was battling with religion and what was, you know, who was real, which to follow. So maybe that was his time that he was making peace with God. Because normally when you die by suicide, because I hate that word commit, because they didn't commit anything. You know, when you do stuff like that, it's a mental illness. And yes, I've heard my whole life that, oh, if you you commit suicide, you're automatically going to hell. I'm sorry, I don't believe that. I believe that we have a just God, and I believe that God knows everything, and He knows if our mental stability is not right and we're sick. I can't see him just showing someone to hell because they're sick, they're having issues. I know it's a lot of people that had kids that are family members, loved ones commit suicide and they think the same thing, or people have told them that that you know they're going to hell automatically. Like I said, I don't I don't believe that our God would do that. But it took me, again, like I said, during my healing to actually realize that because at that moment when I was in that hospital room and my son was trans transitioning over, I could care less about a God, I care less about any of that. You know what I'm saying? I hated everything. I I just didn't I didn't even want to be alive. I wanted to cherry places with my son. And I thought this was gonna be the a pain that I didn't think you could actually do anything else to me in life that could hurt me anymore until they took my second son. And I'm thinking, like, how could I go through something of pain that's so unbearable and unthinkable twice? It's got to be me, it's got to be a punishment for me. And then both at the age of 24, 24 years of age, I'm thinking, what did I do at 24 that God is punishing me for? I thought it was me. I thought it was my fault. I thought I'm getting my karma some type of way. This second death literally broke me down, and I didn't think I would ever be able to start the grieving process again. I thought it was over with for me. I didn't think I stood a chance. But with prayer and family and a good support system and taking my time to grieve the way I feel I need to grieve, not having somebody tell me, oh, you have to do this or you have to do that or you're gonna have to do that, or this isn't gonna work for you. I don't I take it one day, actually one second at a time, and I do what's best for me. Whatever I feel for that moment or that day, I do it. You can't dwell on the past, you know, there no more. You can't worry about the future. You just take it second by second try to heal.

Dr. Geneus 13:31

You know what you shared about that turmoil of feeling like you have to make the decision whether he lived or died. It made me think about another situation that was a little bit similar. So my mother's aunt, I know my mother's aunt, my great aunt, lost two sons to suicide. The first son. So he didn't live with her as an adult. He went to her garage and shut the door and turned on his car and committed suicide. And then years later, one of his brothers, a younger brother, did the a middle brother, younger brother, did the same thing for three times in the same way. He was found and still alive. So he was in the hospital, hooked up to machine, and kept alive for over a year, I believe. And I remember visiting him. And he had tears in his eyes, and you could tell that he was aware he was alive. He was he could hear, he was even responding, but he wasn't able to move or verbally or you know, respond with physically respond, but tears in his eyes. And I just thought, wow, why? Why why is we keeping him alive? But why wouldn't we keep him alive if we also love God and wanted God to make the decision if he didn't want to make the decision?

Keke Williams 15:02

Right. And a lot of people hoping for miracles, right?

Dr. Geneus 15:08

You brought you brought such understanding to me for that. I mean, I was a teenager at the time, and I just he seemed like he was really suffering, but she really thought it wasn't her decision, and it would be so hard as a mother, having already lost a son to suicide in the same exact way, you know.

Keke Williams 15:26

Right. You're trying to, that's the last thing you want to say is goodbye. That's the hardest thing, is to say goodbye, you know, and so I understand where she's where she was coming from with that. You don't, and like I said, a lot of people, if she was Christian, she she probably was hoping for that miracle, you know, hoping for that. Where at my point, I was so mad at God, I wasn't thinking about a miracle at that time. I'm just thinking, how dare you do take me through all this to make me have to make that ultimate decision? You know, I couldn't have done it. I know I couldn't have. I wouldn't have, my son probably would have still been on a machine, as selfish as it was, as you know, his quality of life gone. My girlfriends was telling me, like, he he made this decision. He wasn't happy. You think he would be happy on a machine, da-da-da, and I care less what they were saying at the time, you know. Talk to me when you have a son that's laying there with tubes in him and you have to make a decision to take him off. Talk to me when you have a kid that has a bullet in his head that suffered for days, and you know, you didn't know what was going on with them. I got all these questions I want to ask Donnie, but I can't. Talk to me when you're in my shoes. I was so mean and bitter and angry, and I still have moments where I get like that, and it's okay. And I've learned that, like, it's okay. I don't care. Sometimes I may be fine, you might see me smiling and happy, and other days I can barely move out of my bed, and I don't care because I know it's okay. There's no rules to grieving, there's no time limits to grieving. You have to just go with what's best for you. It's making you be able to go to the next day, you do it. That's how I look at it. And like I said, grief is not just about losing a loved one to death. You could lose relationships, jobs, financial stuff. It's so many ways. People are going through so much and they're scared to let it out, you know? So they hold a lot of stuff inside because, oh, society says grief, okay, we'll give you three days off of work, you should be fine, come back. No. You know what I'm saying? You're and it doesn't mean you're a mental case because you need more time than others. We're all different, you know what I'm saying? And life happens to us in different forms and it affects us different ways, and we cope differently. And however you feel you need to do to grieve to get yourself better, to get yourself to the place where you can stand tall and at least you might not be the uh you're never gonna be the same, you you know what I'm saying? Everything that happens to us, it chips away at us, but you can still maintain and live, you know. And that's all I try with myself to tell myself constantly is you know, Kiki, you got this, you got this. I don't care about tomorrow, I don't care about yesterday. I'm focusing on the now, you know. Our God says, I am, so it means he's here with you in the present, you know. It doesn't, I'm I was, I will be. We worry about right now, you know, can we get through this day? Can we get to this moment? And I was I was destroyed. Donald destroyed me. No, Thanksgiving 2018, worst day of my life, I thought, you know, a year and a half, two years later, Derek, you know what I'm saying, wanted life, wanted to live. And I don't know which hurts me more is that Donnie, you took it, you took that life, you took it from yourself, your kids, you took it from me, you took it. That hurts me so bad, you know. Or does it hurt me more that Derek wanted to live? He loved life, and they took his, you know, they took it from him, they snatched it from him, and it's just like I I I get angry, I get mad with this situation because no one has actually been arrested. He was shot 26 times in the abdomen, you know. He was basically just man for my baby, they mutilized me. And I I have a hard time sleeping with that in this city. That's why I kind of want to move away because I don't trust nobody. You know, I have issues with trusting people, my anxiety has shot through the roof. Um sleep. What is that? You know what I'm saying? It's like at night time, you toss, you turn, you think, if if I do get a good night's sleep, I'm usually medicated, you know, and who wants to do live their life just medicated all the time, you know? So I've tried counseling, it didn't work. Um I talked to other uh parents that's lost kids and listen to stories, and sometimes it helps me, but sometimes it doesn't. You gotta know when to remove yourself from situations as well, because you know, I was in a group with with a mother who lost everything she had in a car crash, and the man saved her, but her she watched her kids burn up. You know what I'm saying? I can't I'm grieving enough for myself and I'm battling my own uh demons and I'm doing so much over here for Kiki that it and my heart is so big that you can't help but to hear situations about these other people and add it to your plate, you know. So sometimes you have to know, well, I love everybody, I'm gonna pray for them, I'm this, but sometimes you gotta know when to hey, okay, I gotta pull away from this situation. This group is supposed to help me, but right now it's not. So I'm gonna pull away from it because it's adding to the pain that I'm already trying to deal with, you know, and cope with. Now that night uh that Derek passed away, I was going to bed, and his friend kept calling me. And his friend usually always calls me, wanting to borrow money, getting on my nerves. So I'm I it was ignoring the call, and that eats me up. You know what I'm saying? So I finally answered the call, like, what's going on, boy? And he like, man, um, they're saying Derek got shot. I'm like, what? So I jump up, like, what are you talking about? Derek got shot. Well, they're saying he got shot in the butt. I guess he's okay, but he called me, and I'm thinking, well, if my son called him, he's okay. If he was able to call him and he didn't call me, you know what I'm saying? He called his best friend. He's like, I'm all my way over there now, but the uh, I guess the paramedics is taking him to the hospital. I said, I'm on my way to the hospital. I'll meet the paramedics at the hospital. Had I, you know, you have so many regrets once everything's over with. I wish I would ask for the exact location to where he was, so I could have just gone straight there because I would have got to see my son one last time alive, you know. So that kills me that I went straight to the hospital. Even though I probably wouldn't have made it there, they would have probably already left to go to the hospital. But in my head, why didn't you ask for the exact address where he was and went there first? But I get to the hospital and I'm trying to keep calm for everybody else. My daughter's so upset, like, oh god, I can't lose another brother. I'm like, no, he got shot in the butt. He's okay, he's gonna be fine. You know, we'll we're we're fine. So about uh 45 minutes of waiting, a nurse comes and gets everybody to come into the back room. Now my daughter crying and she's like, Mom, this isn't good. I said, Well, when someone gets shot, they don't like to talk in a an open room because any the killer could the person who shot him could be in here. So they're gonna take us to a private room. You know, I still never wanted to believe that I lost my son. So we get to the back room and they sit us down and they was like, someone will be in the sleep with you shortly. So it's me, his father, his sister, his girlfriend his girlfriend, and his baby mom, and we're sitting in there and everybody's quiet. The doctor comes in and you know, he tells us that uh, you know, Derek suffered uh multiple gunshot wounds and he said unfortunately, as soon as he said the sorry As soon as he said the unfortunately part, everybody just lost it. And he went on to say he didn't, you know, they tried everything they could do, but they he didn't make it. Over and over and over. And I know it's something I should not replay that past. I tell myself that daily, quit going back there, quit going back to that space. Going back is not gonna bring him back, going back's not gonna bring him back, it's just gonna hurt you more. The what-ifs, the shoulda, coulda wulda's. Nothing's gonna change that. So now instead of trying to go back to that, because I used to close my eyes and see it, click yeah, I can hear, you know, relive the phone calls, relive the times. But I'm trying to get on the get myself together where I don't keep going back to that space, you know what I'm saying? Until I'm strong enough to where I'm not uh blaming myself or wondering what I could have did or should have been, you know. If I could talk about it and just, oh, this is what happened, this is, you know, such and such, you know, it was this time, da-da-da-da. You know, he's in the wrong place at the wrong time, okay. No, I go back and I think, I should have did this. It was the hospital's flaw, they were understaffed, they probably didn't even try to save my son. It's just, you know, you got so many emotions. It's so many emotions when you lose a kid, but when you lose two and more, it's just like, how much more do you think a person's supposed to take? You know? So I went through that battle with God again and was wondering, like, you know, like I said, are you punishing me for something? Is it something that I did? Is this something that's gonna happen when my next child is 24? Am I gonna get bad news, you know? And I think the depression that I went into after my second son was the worst. I I didn't think I'm still depressed and I'm still battling it daily, but it's getting a little bit a little more easier for me. But it I thought I was never gonna come out of that. I thought I was never gonna come out of it. I don't recall ever feeling as low as I felt this last past year. I d I didn't care, and I'm a diabetic, and I didn't care about an insulin shot, taking the sugar. I could I was eating what I wanted to eat, drinking what I wanted to drink, A1C shot up 12, shot up to 14, back down to 12, back up to 14. You know, I could have pretty much comaed out, you know, had and died. I didn't care. Because at this point it was like, what more pain can I take? You know what I'm saying? I didn't care about relationships. Nothing, nothing anybody could do to me at this present time in my life could hurt me more than what I'm already hurting. And then it dawned on me. Those kids that my son left behind, if something happened to them, oh my god, I could hurt more than I'm hurting right now. You know, if something happened to my kids that's still alive, oh I can hurt more than I can hurt now. So you can't never say it won't it can't be worse, it can't get worse to the end, you know, if that makes sense. Because it can't, it can't get worse. So I have to start pushing myself more for them because they love me and you know they needed me and they they want their moms, you know, stronger than this. So I had to start putting the people that I love and that I would be even worse off if I lost them. You know what I'm saying? I had to put their feelings and you know, everything into my perspective because I didn't. I I shown out everybody, I didn't care. When I lost the second one, I was mad at God, I was mad at the world. You know, I blamed myself. Life was just a bowl of crap, and I cared nothing about it until I started realizing that I am so blessed and I still have so much to be thankful for. And I have to stop, you know, going backwards. I have to stop going backwards. I have to stop living for the past, living by what ifs, what if I wulda, shoulda, coulda. Nothing's gonna change what happened in the past. Nothing. But I have all the power to change what happens in my future, you know. I have all that. I have all the love I need, I have everything that I could possibly, you know, want. The tools is here. I just have to utilize them and use them. I had to quit pitying myself, I had to quit feeling sorry for myself. And like I said, it's okay. It's okay to I you might come over here and I'm crying all day. And then it's okay to do that. It's fine to do it. I try to tell myself, Kiki, yeah, you're depressed today. You're not gonna stay in this depression though. You're gonna get up, you're gonna do something for you. It might be I'll call my little grandson, duty, my four-year-old right there, and just tell his mom, bring him here now. And she knows what it is, she'll bring him and I'll just hug on him and I'll feel so much better. Like it gives me life. So you I think when we go through things like this, we have to find our escape routes. You know what I'm saying? The beach. I love to go to the beach. I would love to go sit by the water all day in the sand. That's a place where I can go and get peace, you know. My grandkids like find peace in them. I find peace in my family. I was doing Sunday dinners uh all the time. I love them to come eat and I like to cook and do things to keep my mind off of it, and just like pray and take it one second at a time. That's all I think we really really can do. You know, the anger, the emotional changes is gonna happen. But we gotta find something around us. Go ahead.

Dr. Geneus 29:30

Yeah, you mentioned that you know, all the questions. There's a person in our community who recently committed suicide. I didn't know, but I know a lot of people connect with them from the family members. And we do have a lot of questions. Or if it could kind of think of what kind of so we could have asked them, or they could have fun to understand it. And that seems to be a a piece that universally people struggle with when there's a tragedy. Yes. And living with living with your questions that you don't you know you're not gonna get an answer to.

Keke Williams 30:13

Yep. And that's why I have to tell myself when I get like that, well, I had to reinforce my head that nothing I could have said, nothing I could have done would have changed what's already written. Our lives are already written. Our path that we're gonna take, God knows how many days, weeks, seconds, minutes we're gonna be here. So I was battling against God's will. I can't battle against God's will. God was only giving me 24 years of Donnie. He was only giving me 24 years of dairy. So beating myself up was beating me physically, mentally, draining me, spiritually, everything. It was tearing me down even more. So if I chose to be stronger for these people who still love me and that I still love so dearly, I had to let go of that, beating myself down with these questions because again, you can't question God's will. You know, it was gonna happen regardless. If I would have gone to the other area, went wherever, I didn't. It didn't happen that way because that's not how it was written. It I went to exactly where I was supposed to go because that's what God will. That's what was gonna happen. You know what I'm saying? If that makes sense, that that's how I deal with those question things now, you know, because every most, well, I'm not gonna say everybody, but most people, you do. You question it, you question everything. Well, I could have did this, was it my fault? And I was doing it, and I did it with both kids, and it was eating me alive until I realized that it was God's will. Nothing I could have done, nothing any of us could have done could it would have changed it because that was his destiny, that was his fate. And if, you know, that's what makes me feel better, that's what makes me be able to go on to the, you know, like I said, the next second, because I don't even say day-to-day, second minutes to get by, you know.

Dr. Geneus 32:04

You mentioned that you find a lot of joy in your grandchildren and that they give you in your children that are living, that they give you a lot of love and and reason to keep living. You know, can you talk a little bit about that? How you came to sort of that realization and and breakfast that there's still these these people that who are dependent on me and need me to be here, and I love them and they love me, and they still need me to keep living. How how did you come to that sort of realization?

Keke Williams 32:35

Honestly, I have to give credit to my family because they put that in my head every day. Every day I was getting texts. I love you so much, Kiki. I don't know what I would do without you. Mom, you are my strength, you're my hero. You know, they were constantly putting it in my head. I constantly felt the love. Like I'm blessed because some people don't have that. But I did have those channels open. People constantly told me, you know, how much they loved me. So it was kind of like, hey, it's you know, you put in, it's just like uh when you plant a flower, you know, when you bury something and how you treat it and how you, you know, uh water it. My family watered that love standing and they have I have to give credit where credit too is due. They made me realize again the love that I also have for them in return. I do, I love you guys the same. And it just it took time, you know, but each day it's just like, hey, I need to see my grandkids more, I need to do this because I love them so much. And tomorrow's my promise. Anything can happen. I don't want to be sitting here saying, Oh, I was stuck these days and I could be doing things with you guys or loving on you, I'm in this bed crying over my side, you know. It's a mind thing, and you have to get your mental, get your mental self together, or it's gonna eat you alive. And that's the thing, people they're so we're stuck in sorrow, and some of us it takes longer for us to pull a pull out of that. But if you have a good loving support system and family that loves you, and they're constantly there for you, you realize they're there for you, it helps tremendously when you're grieving. It helps tremendous. I mean tr tremendously. But for those who don't have that support system, some people don't have anyone. The people that they did have was the loved ones that they lost. Those people have to just pray. I I I was angry with God too, but I I promise you, that prayer. I I would cry in the shower and I would pray and I would ask God, like, man, relieve this pain, take this away. I can't I just feel good for one minute, you know, and weird stuff would happen to me. Like I would get out the shower and just feel hot all over or warm, or a sun, the sun would shine in, you know, strong in my uh bathroom where, you know, mirror in the morning, or I would just feel good for it. If it wasn't just for five, ten minutes, I knew his presence was there, you know, and and I believed in that. So sometimes we have to change our mindset to help us with our grieving, you know, because it's it's all about us, like I said be in the beginning. We grieve the way we grieve. You want to be healthy, you want to be, you know, you want to, you don't want to just lay there and die with them. That's what we're trying to steer away from. Don't let your grief kill you. Don't let it kill you. And that's why I keep telling myself because I wanted nothing but death when Donnie died. I wanted nothing but death when I wanted to join my kids. So I think me with getting to where I am today, which is still not all the way healed, where I'm getting today was prayer, my family, let trying to let go of the guilt and the questioning and going back. I had to just take it in steps. And sometimes you might have to journal. You might have to do things that, you know, where you can say, Well, today was kind of bad. Why was I feeling so down today? Well, today you did this or you did that, or you might have, you know, I felt a little better today because I went here. Um, you can read back on, you know, your walk, and maybe it'll help you. I don't know. These are the things that helped me, you know. I started writing things down too, and I don't know, I just spent more time with the people who are here that still love me and I love them. And I just uh try to just take it one second at a time and remember that within the past, we can't change it. You know, we shouldn't stress and worry about the future either, and just kind of focus on how we're feeling and getting over today.

Dr. Geneus 36:48

You talked about giving yourself permission to be sad and be upset and be angry, and that makes so much sense, yeah, because we do feel all those emotions God didn't give us emotions to deny that we have them. And we do feel because we have to feel an understanding. But how do you give yourself permission to be happy? Because that's also something when people experience a tragedy like the ones that you experience, it can also be really hard to give yourself permission to be happy. How do you how do you do that?

Keke Williams 37:30

You and God, you have to push yourself up, you gotta push. And still, still, and I still it's okay when you do fall, it's okay when you're sad, and it's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel all those emotions, but don't ever feel bad or feel guilty or because it's not okay to really feel like you can't be happy. You can be happy, you want to be happy. That's the whole that's what we're pushing for, is to get happy, to get in a happier space, you know what I'm saying, to ease this grieving process, which I personally believe we grieve for life. But it's too much stuff that happens to us. I think we grieve for life. I just think it makes it easier to cope daily when you take different steps or you know, you pay attention to your your own walk and what's hurting you.

Dr. Geneus 38:14

And it makes sense if we expect grief to somehow go away one day, it will be over and won't feel the grief when you you're we're so much wrapped up in the grief experience, but it's something that we have to learn to look at or thinking that we're talking about how to do that.

Keke Williams 40:00

So I sit back, like I said, I I I look at I got 24 years, trying to look at it as like, well, I was blessed and I got those years, I got grandkids, I got other things that they left. I can't keep dwelling on, you know, the the lost part, but start focusing more on the what I had part, the love that I have for them and what I have left. And and that's kind of selfish too, because like some people may like it's it's sad. Like, you know, you got those people who only have one child and lost their only child, lost everything. And I can't, you know, give them the advice that you know, I the walk that I walk because they don't have the the system that I have, you know, and I wish I could. The only thing that I can really tell when people in situations, you have to look at firepower, you gotta depend on your faith. You know, he at the end of the day, we all have to cross. That's my security in life. We all are gonna die. We're all going to die. We hate it, we hate losing people, that attachment, it's horrible, the pain. But you gotta figure out with yourself I'm gonna walk this walk of life in you know, sunshine, or I'm gonna continue to walk it in the darkness, you know. You like I said, are your coach, you are your grief coach through this. We really are us and God, and everybody's situation is different, and we have to start basically somewhere, and you gotta find out where your somewhere is, you know. It that might not necessarily be the same thing as mine.

Dr. Geneus 41:39

I'm really glad you brought up the point about attachments because that really is so important. And we do have this idea for especially for particular relationships that we might not be able to live if that person isn't alive, right? So we feel such a strong attachment to the idea of living in this world without them doesn't seem feasible, but yet oftentimes we have to still find a way to do that, right? Because we usually are not going to all go at the same time. But we also sort of struggle with, you know, in terms of relationships that we might expect a parent to go before a child, but not a child to go before a parent. So we have these expectations of how things are going to be and when they might happen and how long someone should live. And that's also sort of part of that attachment that makes it hard to sort of go on living. And I really like when you the way you cared about sort of finding a way to continue to live, giving yourself permission to feel all the things you feel, but also to feel happiness and joy. You're naturally a happy, joyous person. And even with this these tragedies and going on and continuing to live, it only makes sense that you'd also have moments of happiness, too.

Keke Williams 43:06

It took a a while because you feel so guilty being happy and your kids aren't here. You know, I'm thinking, oh, my son's not even here to enjoy this. How can I enjoy this so much? Even with his birthday, like everybody's having a boss remembering him. I'm thinking this is gonna be the worst day ever. You know, I can't do this, but why not? Why wouldn't I be happy on the day that I gave birth to a king? Why wouldn't I be happy, you know, on this particular day? This is the he the day that he was created, you know. So I had to you have to talk to yourself, you kind of have to remind yourself of things. Okay, it's okay to be sad, but it's also okay to be happy. You can be happy. You your kid will want you to be happy, you know, your mom would want you to be happy, your dad, your loved one, they would want you to be happy, you know. If and then I start thinking about things, if I passed away, I would not under any circumstances want my family and loved ones to stop living because I've moved on, you know. I would want them to live, remember me, you know what I'm saying? Carry our memories, you know, love me from a distance. I'm always gonna be with you. I would want those things from them. So my boys, if nothing else, they deserve to know that their mom can be happy for if not for anybody else, but for them, you know. They I love I want to be happy for the love that I have for them. I want to be happy because I know my boys would want me to have some happiness and sunshine in my life. They would not. The love that we have was so strong, they would not want to see me like that and just in a dark cloud and feeling guilty about you know being happy. So you have to kind of talk to yourself and coach, you're you're your you're your coach. You're your coach.

Dr. Geneus 44:50

Thank you for opening your heart and going back to tell those stories. I know you live with them, but I know it's a lot just to tell it. So thank you so much. Thanks for listening to the Faith to Feel podcast. Like and follow this podcast so you can hear more insightful conversations like this one. And share this episode with someone who will benefit from hearing it. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5.4. You'll find the Faith to Feel podcast on all of your favorite podcast streaming sites, such as Apple Podcasts and Spotify.