25 Years Later: A Son’s Journey Grieving the Death of an Estranged Father

In this episode of the podcast, Bretton Williams shares his experiences grieving his estranged father, whom he hadn’t spoken with in 25 years. He recounts the difficult questions he faced when trying to grieve someone with whom he had a complicated and broken relationship. He offers candid suggestions about confronting unanswered questions while working towards a better emotional state when a loved one whose estranged dies. 

Episode Notes: 

NY Times article: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/05/well/family/grief-family-estrangement.html?smid=url-share

Amy Morin's (LCSW)  Book "Thirteen Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do:" https://amymorinlcsw.com/books-by-amy-morin/ 

Dr. Edith Eger’s books: www.dreditheger.com

Transcript

Bretton Williams 0:01

But like, well, I guess we're never going to have a relationship because it's too late now. It's over. You know? It's over and it never happens. And it was hard to accept that, you know. Maybe I still always still had hope.

Dr. Geneus 0:21

Thanks for gracing us with your ears today. You're listening to the Faith to Feel podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Januas. God has so much more for us to know, experience, and do if we have the faith to feel. Faith should give us courage to feel, to have difficult conversations about our feelings, and to face challenges we might otherwise avoid. That's what this podcast is all about. In a New York Times article by Caitlin Kelly titled When an Estranged Relative Dies, Some Face Grief, Regret, and Relief, published in 2021, Kelly gives several accounts of grief after estrangement and shared research that suggests it might be far more common than people realize. There are over 1,300 responses to the article, most with people detailing their experiences with estrangement. One person asked that the article not be taken down because it offered a forum for people to connect. As a part of the series Grieving Out Loud, I'm talking with Braton Williams. Thanks for being on the program. Thank you for having me. Braton's father passed away six months ago. While dealing with his father's passing, his older sister passed away about a week ago. Braton had not spoken with his father in over 25 years. Braton was notified of his father's death via an email by one of his sisters who said his half-brother was trying to contact them to notify them that their father had died. Though it's not a very personal way, I imagine it's not an uncommon way to hear about someone's death these days.

Bretton Williams 2:25

Like that we should know, or would have been kept secret.

Dr. Geneus 2:31

It's a real reality that our loved one might pass, especially if there's a lot of time and distance between us, and we might not know. I'm sure as you're still processing your father's death, you're thinking about the last conversation you had with your father. Can you recall what that was about, what it was like?

Bretton Williams 2:50

I do, yeah. So um my half-brother, who was a lot younger than me, big age gap, I could have been his father, you know. Uh he got cancer at the age of 20. And you know, he was in the hospital, and I just felt like I hadn't seen him since he was a wee lad, like five years of age or so. And I felt I need to see him because heaven forbid he died, and I never got to know him as an adult. So anyway, I should say uh, yeah, I guess I'm mixing up the story here. So I I did see him in hospital, I did visit him, and you know, my mother, his mother was there, my dad's second wife. And my you know, my my stepmother, you know, she was all so nervous and felt like I have to ring your dad, I have to ring your dad. It's like I'm only here to see him, you know, because at that point I kind of had somewhat given up on my dad because for since the mid-80s, this was 1998, you know, when I went to the hospital, but my dad kind of just pushed all of myself and all my siblings away, you know, saying stuff like, well, when kids get older, they don't need their parents, and you know, no, I can't see you, my wife wouldn't like it. And you know, it was very hurtful. You know, it's like I didn't need him financially, I was an adult, self-supporting, but still might have been nice, you know. Kids, you know, they could be in their 20s, I was like 28 or 9 when he said that. It's like they still can use attitude and can use that emotional support from their parents. You know, it's a different kind of nurturing growing up, but just you know the family, you know, family love, just you know, being there for you, and it just wasn't there. So anyway, I tried to somewhat establish a relationship with my half-brother, and after you know, he was out of hospital and speaking to him for the next month or two, I organized like let's meet up for dinner. So I drove um after work, a dark, cold night in winter, 30 miles or so, and he never showed up, you know. And I waited a long time, and then finally it was awkward, but I rang, you know, my dad's home and said, Well, he was supposed to meet me for dinner. I hadn't told my dad that you know we had plans in case he tried to put the clay bush on it, you know. So and then he's and he said, Oh no, he's at a basketball game, you know. Well, and it continued the conversation on the phone, and then my dad said something like, Well, then did you eat? And I said, Well, no, well, you better eat, he said, like kind of in a like mocking, kind of sarcastic tone. I don't know, I just felt really hurtful, and maybe I shouldn't have done this, but after that, it was like, I'm done with you. You don't want me to see me. Now you're mocking me. I I'm just I'm done with you for life. You know, that's what I felt at the time because you know, sometimes it's just so much hurt you can take, you know. And so I never actually ever spoke to him again after that, you know, and that was in early 25 years ago, you know. And and then when he passed away this year in June, you know, I hadn't spoken to him since then, and I hadn't seen him since the mid-80s, you know, because he just went on. So it was it was a bit hard, like the the finality of it, and there wasn't there wasn't going to be any more conversation. That was it. It's over, it's final. And I actually felt a lot of anger, like at the time. That that was my first reaction. Really angry, like, and I should say as well, so one thing that made it even more difficult was when the obituary was published, it listed, it painted my dad in glowing terms, like you know, family man, you know, you know, loving man, you know, scout leader, pillar of the community, basketball coach. Thinking, who is this person? Not someone I knew, you know. And it it listed his wife, his son from the second marriage, his wife all her Greek relatives, and no mention of me or any of my siblings, none, zero. And it really stabbed in the heart, you know, it stung deeply, you know, and that's why I fit like the final, the final screw you, for lack of a better word, you know. I just so I did have a lot of anger at first, you know. I had to deal with all that stuff, you know.

Dr. Geneus 8:18

It's interesting because when we memorialized people's lives, we often focus on the really good things. And sometimes to such an extent that it might not even be that realistic, right? In terms of how people really perceive them, the relationships they had with people, their legacies that they've left, and etc. In your case, you're saying an entire part of his life, his children, past marriage, and children were not even acknowledged in his obituary.

Bretton Williams 8:51

No. And you know, I at the time, like I got really down with it, you know, and it's just hard. I had some other family issues with my siblings and well, kind of a story in itself, but I got really down for several weeks and I couldn't shake it, you know. And I did a few things actually to just sort of help myself get back on track, you know. And uh my employer had this employee assistance program, and uh I rang them up, and after discussion, they said I was eligible for eight free counseling sessions. So I decided to do that, and it was very challenging because the counselor they picked, it was like, What did I get myself into? She was like, in your face, just really, you know, what you're gonna do? You have to deal with this, you can't stay stuck there, like you know. But actually, I decided, okay, I'm gonna stick with this. Maybe she's right, you know. I I can't just kind of leave everything and forever be a victim of people like my dad, or you know, my siblings for other hearts. So I went with it and I did some reading as well, some secular books that helped me a lot. One of them was um 13 things that mentally spared people don't do, and some of it was getting over, losing loved ones, not staying stuck there in grief, poor me, being the one people pity for decades, on a nearly becoming your whole identity, the wounded son, you know, and I I didn't want that for myself, you know. I want to have a happy life for me, in spite of what happened. So that's what I started to do slowly was to build out and figured I gotta do this, you know.

Dr. Geneus 11:05

And we should mention that you were living in the US for a few years and had moved back to Ireland, and your father was still living in the US, in the northeast part of the country. And so one of the things that you had to decide in the process of coming to terms with the fact that he had died was also whether or not you should take the expensive and difficult journey to travel back to the US for his funeral. What sort of weighed into your decision about whether or not to do that?

Bretton Williams 11:36

I know it was a difficult decision. Uh yes, no, yes, what should I do? And it's like also I should say because of the arrangements for the funeral, there was to be no funeral, no wake, no service, just a graveside, brief few words, and I just felt like you know what? Well, I could have booked a last-minute flight and rushed to fly over, but for what that you know, there wouldn't be any casket, just it wasn't gonna bring me any closure. So I just took the pragmatic decision that no, this isn't gonna make it any better, other than just the work I had to do myself to feel good again, you know. So I ended up not going, you know.

Dr. Geneus 12:29

A lot of people are being forced to make these sort of decisions in difficult circumstances given the pandemic and a lot of the things that are going on. So I know that a lot of people can relate to having to weigh whether or not it's even a good idea to attend a funeral or any sort of service, gravesite, or other. When we think about what gives us closure in these sorts of situations, it's particularly challenging if you didn't have communication with the person for many years. I'm sure you had a lot of unanswered questions and thoughts about what could have been, and that as you said, the finality that he had died, and you wouldn't be able to have a conversation with him. Can you tell us a little bit about what that was like?

Bretton Williams 13:14

Yeah, because I I just felt like, well, I guess we're never going to have a relationship because it's it's too late now. It's over, you know, it's over and it never happened, and it was hard to accept that, you know. Maybe I still always still had hope, you know. Or even if in his old age he might have some remorse and want to see us with none, you know, that's just going really bad, you know.

Dr. Geneus 13:46

In the New York Times article that I mentioned before, there was a a British therapist, Bernard Dettett Wright, who was quoted as saying this about her father's death. Quote, people have this obsession with forgiveness, Ms. Wright said. You can forgive, but you don't have to forget. You don't have to have that toxicity back in your life. Those who have never been estranged often judge those who are, and very harshly, Miss Wright added. But you haven't lived my life. It made me ill every time I saw my father.

Bretton Williams 14:22

That's so true. You know, I'll tell you an analogy, I'd like to share something on that. Um there's a story of the Good Samaritan, okay? And if you know the story, he was beaten up and robbed and left bleeding and dying on the Jericho Road, as it says in the Bible. And it says the priest walked by and just kept walking, you know, like he wasn't even going to help him. And it's like everyone just ignored him until the good smart himself took care of him, bound up his wounds, paid for him a place to stay, and all that. And sometimes I look at that, that's that's kind of do-gooders that people think they're saying the right thing, and it's like they're they're like that priest, and they see someone emotionally wounded and dying on the side of the road, and they point the finger like, you better forgive. But I can't talk to you because I'm on the way to church. You know how hypocritical is that, you know. Maybe first you should spend time, show some love to that emotional wounded person, and that might do more to help them recover than just pointing the finger and telling them to forgive and as if that's all there is to it, and that's it, you know. You know, that would help them more to recover and to forgive just someone else showing love and care and compassion, understanding, you know.

Dr. Geneus 16:00

What are some things that you've done to show yourself that compassion and care that you think have helped you sort of in your grieving healing process, learning to live with the pain of this death?

Bretton Williams 16:14

Well, I should say before, you know, one thing that I really did that helped a lot that you know when I had the counseling there, she suggested that you have to get the toxic feelings out, you know. And uh she suggested writing letters, you know. You write a letter, you say everything you want to say, and then you destroy it after. And I did. I mean, I said it all swear words enough. The whole lot. I just but it was a great release, to be honest. It really was. I felt I felt lighter after, you know, I got it out and you know, destroy that, but I I kind of drew a line. It's like, okay, now I'm not going back there. I've said it all, that's it. And it actually set me free, and I I it gave me nearly like the freedom to actually remember some of the good times I had with my father, thinking of like before he remarried and things we did together. Because I already expressed all the badness I got to say it, and I didn't expect that would happen, but it did, you know. And so I'm trying to actually stay focused on that now and not go back, not go back to the anger. I've expressed it. I don't have to for us my life, be an angry person, have that be my whole identity everywhere we go. He's the one whose father rejected him, you know, and being stuck there forever. You know, I want a happy life for myself and don't want to be a victim of my dad or anyone.

Dr. Geneus 18:03

I started this conversation with you asking about your last conversation with your father, and we call it the recency effect in communications where our mind might focus on the last communication we have. But I appreciate what you just said because it's one of the things God has revealed to me too, as well. When you have conflicts with someone that you care about, it's really easy if the last conversation or the last communication wasn't a pleasant one. And there's some histories, there's a history of issues to focus on the negatives of that relationship. But it's really important to go back and look again and also identify some of the positive things and not just count some of the ways that person might have added value to your life or the good memories that you have just to bring a little more balance. Because people are not one or two-dimensional. We're complicated. We all have the potential to do bad things to hurt people, and we do. What are some of your good memories of your father that you're holding on to now after his death?

Bretton Williams 19:11

Different times, different activities, we did it together, going to sports matches, you know, um different conversations. Like I used to, uh I lived for a while there where he was working, and sometimes I would drive over there, visit him at his workplace, and he'd introduce me to his work colleagues, and you know, was friendly and um let me think of another time. I suppose um I got my degree at a later age. And you know, it meant a lot. He actually sent a card and with the money in the post. I bought a really nice piece of furniture with it. I still have it to this day. It's a good reminder, you know. I'm surprised, like, you know, I didn't expect that I would all that stuff the good would kind of come to the surface, maybe because the heart and the anger were so deep for years, and we think that that would kind of re-emerge, you know.

Dr. Geneus 20:22

Yeah.

Bretton Williams 20:23

Well, maybe that's a healthy cycle.

Dr. Geneus 20:28

One time God sort of showed me, or the Holy Spirit revealed to me, the that there's a cycle of rejection that occurs a lot, and that is that we tend to reject because we anticipate being rejected, and so it just sort of continues. So you have two people that might love each other, and the one person decides to cut off communication or not try to progress the relationship to a better place or whatever, work through something because they anticipate the person rejecting them. But on the other side, the other person is also rejecting because they feel rejected. And so both people want the same thing, but they never sort of work towards more connection, better communication. And it's a cycle that really can perpetuate itself in a lot of ways in a lot of families. It's hard to know though, you know, why somebody's rejecting us or why we're feeling rejected? You know, what's behind it? What's the story? Do you have any sense about what led to this dynamic of estrangement between you or your father? Why do you think he said to you, I don't, you don't really need me anymore? Where do you think that came from? Or why do you think he made that decision to not work harder to have a relationship with his other children?

Bretton Williams 21:47

Somehow I guess I thought it was um as his son grew and started talking and questioning things, it's like he didn't want that son to be aware that there was any other family. So it was around that time that he stopped wanting to see myself and my siblings, you know.

Dr. Geneus 22:09

So I also think sometimes I've seen this dynamics with fathers and children, or they might even go on and be a great stepparent or role model to other children, but not to their own. And maybe so for so this happens with women too, but I just haven't observed as much. But one of the things that they're trying to escape is the pain of their children's view of them, right? That you might not have had the best idea of him or the idea of him that he wants you to have. And it sounds like he went off and established a different life where people viewed him in a way that he wanted to be viewed. And in that presentation of his life, at the end, there was an obituary written, and his children, many of his children were not even mentioned. You mentioned that it's a real pain that you experienced. And I thought I think it's really clever how you the idea with that you came up with is just to sort of address that pain. Can you tell us a little bit about how you and your siblings handled not being acknowledged, even in the final document recording his death?

Bretton Williams 23:23

Yeah, well, and I said yes, so you know, I decided, well, we'll write our own obituary, you know, came up with the idea, and I think I've got divinely inspired. And so I worked with the two sisters on it. Took a while to get us together, agree on language, and what should we say here? And we decided, I said, well, we'll have to include everyone, all my siblings and his new wife, or you know, second wife and son. So I felt like we wrote the obituary that should have been written, all inclusive. We published on a permanent website, memorial website, and it felt good. That was another release in itself, like we had right it wrong, like something that was so unjust it couldn't be left unanswered. That's what we did. No, felt good. Really did, you know. That brought freedom and release, you know.

Dr. Geneus 24:29

I think it's good that you're you were open to doing something creative, something maybe you hadn't anticipated ever anticipated ever needing to do, but you recognize that it might be something that helped you and your sibling feel better, feel a sense of closure at least about that particular issue. I don't know if even closure is the right word, really. I wouldn't maybe it's not closure, but as you said, sort of writing or wrong. Yeah.

Bretton Williams 24:57

Closure as much as possible, you know?

Dr. Geneus 25:00

Yeah. So really grief is something we live with. We this it does I don't know that we come to a point in time where we're no longer grieving. It's just something we live to learn to live with. What are some what are some ways that your faith has helped you in this process of grieving?

Bretton Williams 25:19

Well, I I I suppose that you know I want to live a life where I feel at peace, you know, feel God's peace. And so I mean, yes, there was forgiveness, you know, and release, and you know, as I was sharing, writing that letter, getting all the ugly feelings out, you know. That helped a lot, you know. Just praying for my half-brother and his mother as well. You know, they had to live with them as well, and God knows whatever they went through. So just trying to show love, you know, I suppose. Yeah.

Dr. Geneus 26:11

What is your process of forgiveness for some of the unanswered questions, the time missed, the things that happened that are still present in your memory that have made this relationship a struggle for you? How are you how do you how are you walking through the forgiveness of that hurt?

Bretton Williams 26:33

Yeah, I mean, we can forgive, but you know, where there isn't reconciliation or closure, that's the most difficult thing, you know? And like I know in like in the movies or something, or in situations people just think there'd be forgiveness, tears, bear hogs, and everyone lives happily ever after, and everything's okay. But the hard reality can be like you can forgive and release someone, but there isn't closure, there is no reconciliation, even if they're still alive, and then if they're dead, well, even more so, you won't get to so you have to decide to do this for yourself, that that's the best you can possibly do to free yourself, so you're not bound by it to you know for the rest of your life, you know, and it's something you have to do for yourself, you know, and even like I said, if there's no closure, no reconciliation, but you've got to do all you can do on your own part, and that's the best you can do, and move on and not stay stuck there, you know. Take what it takes to express the being. There's an author that really helped me a lot there whose books I read a couple of them, Dr. Edith Eager. One of the things she says is that she's a Holocaust survivor herself and a psychotherapist, and she says that uh emotions must be expressed so we don't become depressed, and so you do have to get it out and then make your peace after that, you know, and move on, don't stay there.

Dr. Geneus 28:23

I really appreciate you sharing your story because I think it's it is far more common than people realize that we experience estrangement from loved ones, from family members. And you mentioned that we tend to see movies that don't don't always that often don't depict these sorts of things or or other ideas that give us the idea that we should be have these very close, loyal relationships, especially with your nuclear family members or your natural family. And it does sort of set up this expectation that we should be able to work through conflicts and come to this place that's this idealistic family picture that we hope to have. But as you said, it's not necessarily a real reality that people live with. And accepting that this isn't a possibility, it can be really hard for people. Um and in some of the the in the New York Times article, they also talked about that there can be a lot of shame because people have the social expectation that you should have this sort of family. I think it's beautiful that God gives us this extended family, the spiritual family, to support us and sometimes fill those voids when we don't have an actual family that offers us the kind of love and support and healthy relationships that we would hope to have with them. And at some point we might keep praying, we might work through our own forgiveness and living with the pain of it. But at some point we might have to accept that we're not going to have those relationships with those people. But we could have healthy family relationships with people in our spiritual family or extended family.

Bretton Williams 30:08

Well, you know, you touched upon a fourth point there I want to make as well. So one of the things we can do for each other to help people that are horribly wounded emotionally is just showing some compassion and listening, giving them some validation. Okay, just listen. That's sometimes just validating someone's emotional wounds can be enough of a trigger to help them sort of snap out of it, you know, because someone got it, someone understood, someone else, and that can be very helpful instead of, like I said, pointing the finger at judgment. You better forgive, or show some love of yourself to that person. Won't that help them all the more than just pointing the finger? Found that in my own life. Some of the, you know, other wounds, you know, we get wounded by other family members, friends, which just that support and validation sometimes can mean a lot and help you move on.

Dr. Geneus 31:12

It's important to get deep down into our feelings as we we live a life of faith, but also to be willing to go there emotionally with people and to have relationships where you can be that transparent and not feel you're being judged, that someone's going to pray for you and wish well for you and help you walk through that experience. And as you said, just listening can be a really powerful way to help somebody, to support somebody. I've talked for with a number of people throughout this series, grieving out loud, and that's been a consistent thing that's been said. Just being there, being present, listening, not judging. And that everyone's walk through grief could be different at different times. But it's really important that we we do try to walk through the process. We do try to handle the emotions, express the emotions, because it's far healthier to deal with them than to push them aside or push them down. But sometimes that's messy, as you said. We might be ministering to someone or comforting someone, and it's messy. Sometimes we have to let it be messy.

Bretton Williams 32:26

Right, indeed. You know, and scriptural, okay. And I forget which book in the Bible this is in, but scripture comes to mind: bear your one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. So, Mr. Christian, can you do that for your brother who's hurting, your sister who's hurting?

Dr. Geneus 32:45

Yeah.

Bretton Williams 32:46

That's what we should be doing.

Dr. Geneus 32:48

Yeah, we gotta go there. Bertan, thank you so much. You have really shared some valuable insights. Thanks for being so transparent about where you've been emotionally in this journey, and sometimes angry, sometimes sad, and and what it's like to live with unanswered questions. I know a lot of people are gonna be able to relate to your story, and I pray that it comforts them to know that they're not alone in it, but there is a way forward. I also appreciate that you've shared that you're willing to use a lot of different tools and let God lead you in terms of the creativity in which you might even find a way to walk through that grief experience. So thank you so much. Thank you so much for being a part of this program. Pleasure. Thanks for listening to the Faith to Feel podcast. Like and follow this podcast so you can hear more insightful conversations like this one. And share this episode with someone who will benefit from hearing it. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5 4. You'll find the Faith to Feel podcast on all of your favorite podcast streaming sites, such as Apple Podcasts and Spotify.