Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS): “Did you have a child?”

After her newborn daughter Jordan died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), Erica Banks experienced a fog of disbelief for years, unsure how she managed to go on living. Erica shares with Dr. Geneus the ways many might suffer in silence when they are confronted with questions, such as, “Did you have a child?”  With few memories to account for an infant’s life, Erica Banks explains why it can be difficult to find safe spaces to grieve and offers advice about ways to support grieving parents, even long after the death of their child. Erica’s faith helped her feel the loss of her daughter and find joy again. 

Transcript

Erica Banks 0:03

I hear it time and time again. Oh, you're so strong, you're so strong. No, it is God above that is keeping me. It's his grace, it's his mercy, it's his angels, it's the Holy Spirit. It's not Erica because if Erica, if Erica Erica's own will. And I know that I know that I know the things that I've been through. And he's just shown me. Even in the even in the painfulest times, I've there have been many a night. I just cried, God hold me. Just hold me in your arms. God, this is too much. I can't I can't take it. I'm not strong enough. I need you to take it. Just crying, crying, crying, like crying myself to sleep, and then waking up, and then I'm still crying because it's like even though I fall asleep when I wake my eye, when I open my eyes, my baby's still gone.

Dr. Geneus 1:02

Thanks for gracing us with your ears today. You're listening to the Faith to Feel podcast. And I'm your host, Dr. Genewis. God has so much more for us to know, experience, and do if we have the faith to feel. Faith should give us courage to feel, to have difficult conversations about our feelings, and to face challenges we might otherwise avoid. That's what this podcast is all about. In our efforts to strive for transparency, we do our best to discuss topics that evoke emotions. It's our hope that the stories you hear will bring understanding and comfort to those who are grieving and for those who are concerned about someone grieving. While this is not our intention, the topics discussed in this episode might be triggering for some audiences. Erica's been blessed to have three more children after losing her first child, a daughter named Jordan, who died at one and a half months due to sudden infant death syndrome. Because she has other children. She's got beautiful family photos of these children that have grown up, matured. She's met people in her life who never knew that she had a daughter named Jordan who died.

Erica Banks 2:41

Well, first, thank you for having me. So that that day, it was back in September. I kissed my baby goodbye to go to work. And my work schedule, I worked two o'clock in the afternoon to 11. When I got off from work, I stopped and got some gas. I came home to the apartment, saw all in the bedroom, there was a light on the TV, just took my shower because it was a long, stressful day. Not uncommon for me to be able to, you know, come home and take a shower uninterrupted. But when I got out the shower, it was like just a little odd that it was just quiet. So I looked and I saw the room, the light, like I said, the light in the room, but I turned the hallway light on and I saw the medical rappers in the hallway, not knowing what they went to or what, but then my heart started racing a little bit. And then seeing the tablet either from the the paramedics or whomever, and I just saw the name Jordan. And at that moment, that's when it was like, okay, nobody's home. I had my nightgown and my robe on. I went over to her grandmother's house that was just like five minutes away. The house was completely dark, nobody came to the door. So then I remember going to uh a good friend of mine's house, and I'm like, okay, something's not right. I don't know what's going on. Nobody's at the apartment, nobody's answering. I can't get in touch with anybody. This is 99. So I didn't have a cell phone, but I had a pager, but I didn't get any pages. So I'm like, this, it just was a sinking feeling. I just knew something wasn't right, but not knowing for sure what. My mother then calls my friend's house, and I just remember her looking at the friend as I'm standing in front of her dresser where there's a mirror, and I see my friend on the phone, and I just heard her say no, no. And so my friend gave me the phone, and my mom told me Jordan passed. Not in those exact words. The moment that she said that, I just started screaming. I I literally felt like somebody had knocked the breath out of me, and I fell on the floor. I remember getting a, you know, ended up having a bruise behind it. But I rushed to throw on a t-shirt. Mind you, I was in my nightgown and a row. Just threw on a t-shirt and sweats from my friend, and she drove to um the hospital. That night there was a bad accident. So the freeway that we needed to get on to, we weren't able to get on just because they had it blocked off. And I just remember being in the car and praying. When we get to the hospital, let my baby be on life support. Now, mind you, my mom had already called and told me. It hadn't sunk in. So when we get to the hospital, my friend even had the car and parked all the way, and I just remember getting out of the car, and right when I walked up to the emergency room doors, there was my father. My father is not a man of many words. But for him to be there, I just knew. And I remember literally like falling again and him catching me. I was able to go in the room to see her. And that's a that's a mental picture that I'll never I'll never forget. When I go into the room, I see my baby, who's a month and a half, laid on the hospital bed in a diaper. The sheet is probably a little bit above her her naval. The all of the equipment and everything was off, but all the IVs were still attached to her, the life support tube, but her eyes weren't even closed all the way. They were still slightly open. And what was explained to me is it's standard procedure when you have an infant child that you don't move and you don't move or touch anything. And I just felt sick to my stomach. Like absolutely sick to my stomach. Not only did I kiss my baby goodbye, never in a million years would I have thought, okay, the next time I see my child, she's gonna be deceased late on a hospital gurney. Eyes, eyes still open. I was not able to go home right away. I was asked to walk to a different room. There were um officers or investigators that were there, and again, I was told it was standard procedure. They wanted to ask me questions. Now, mind you, I'm 20 years old. I just got off from work. My child has passed, and you're wanting to ask me questions. I'm not even talking about like you're giving me an hour, you're giving me a couple hours, none of that. So after the questions that were asked, we were, you know, we didn't go back to the apartment. Um just it just was a hard thing to do. Never in a million years would I have thought that before my junior year in college I would be planning a funeral at that young of an age or awake. I was more concerned with her father, my family, friends, everyone else. Their well-being. I didn't sleep, I couldn't sleep, didn't eat, I just had no desire to. You go to the funeral hall and they're asking you, you know, the order of service. Do you want your child to be embalmed? Do you not want your child to be embalmed? You go into the room and you pick out a casket. But when you're looking around the room, the caskets are smaller because again, she was only a month and a half, and you're just in a room with different different caskets. So then the night of her wake, getting there early, and then having the opportunity for the funeral director to say, if you want to see her, you know, you can, if you want to hold her, and and prepared me for it, you know, like what to expect, like as far as like how she may feel, like she may not feel like she felt when she was alive, but they were just you know preparing me, and they were saying when you hold her, you know, she's she's not gonna feel like she felt when you know she was living. You know, they were like just just picture it as if she's sleeping. So they were saying her body temperature, it may not be just to prepare me, there'd be a difference. And I just remember her remember holding her. And it it was a good thing, but also hard. Because it did look just like she was asleep, and that's a hard thing when you lose a child and you're holding your child, you're still trying to process this like the what's, the whys, the hows. Like I've never once gotten mad at God. I was so just hurt, and it was like, why? Why bless me to be a mother and then take her away from me? It was hard because a lot of my family hadn't even got to see her yet. My sister, the first time and seeing her first niece is the night of the wake. And that's a hard thing. And not ever wanting to see any of my family hurt, so just trying to be there for them. The funeral was really big. It was hard to sit there and see you know, see my my baby just just there. The same church that she had been blessed in, and now I'm getting ready to lay her to rest. It's not easy whatsoever, and a lot of people said, well, it'll get better in time. But I found myself every single day, every single moment, when does it get better? I was working and my employer even allowed me time off. But it just wasn't enough time. It wasn't. It took me many years to even come to the realization that she was gone. Because in the very beginning, you got people coming and checking on you, and they're cooking, and they're doing chores, and they're coming to sit with you, and they're delivering this, and they're delivering that, and that's all great. But eventually, for other people, life it's back to normal. That's when the real, the real process of grieving starts. Because there's there's nobody there to really comfort you, and it's almost like it's a distraction. You almost feel like you you lose your support system. Because what was once there, it's gone. So you have to figure out this this new way of moving forward. I didn't there were times I didn't want to get out of the bed, I didn't want to do anything. And probably about a year and a half, two years after she passed around Halloween, it hit me like a ton of bricks that she had been that she was gone. And in the very beginning, every chance I could get, I would go out to the cemetery because it would just make me feel close to her. But that's a hard thing to go see your child's headstone, the hurt, the pain, and then reaching, you know, looking and going to counseling and finding or looking for a support system, and I'll be very honest, for parents that specifically have lost a child, an infant child, those resources at that time frame were few far in between. A group that I found was for parents that had lost a child. Losing a child at any age is very hard, but losing a baby, that is a that is an uns that's that's a type of pain that you don't get over. It doesn't get better. I've just learned to live with it. Some days are better than others. The the group that I found I went to, and I went, you know, by myself. It was somewhat helpful, but it was a little hard because we would introduce ourselves, we would speak about our child. To start every session like that, it was hard. I'm already hurting, I'm already grieving. I have to speak of my baby, and because of how empathetic that I am and compassionate, I'm also sitting around other parents that have lost their child at various ages, and then I have to listen to the story and how they lost how they lost their child. I'm sitting listening to a couple whose child is in a car in their garage and chose to take their life that way. Another child that was lost due to an accident and all the various ages. And so it was hard because it seemed to focus more so on the loss and being able to talk through that that loss, and then that's good, but how do I move forward? How do I live? That is exactly how I felt. You know, she's here and now she's gone. And so for me, it was a very, it was a hard life lesson that I learned at a very early age. That life is precious, and life can be life can change, and it can it can be gone in the blink of an eye. So every moment I'm grateful. Even with my children now, I'm forever grateful. And I know they probably are so sick of me when I take pictures and I'm like, let's get a picture, and they they don't understand, but it's because just trying to capture moments. And I I did have you know some pictures, and I still have you know a picture of her now, but a month and a half compared to you know a year or two years. It's not a lot. It was it was very, very hard. And then it got to a place of where to pack her things up. Because for the longest time, I didn't want to, I didn't want to touch anything, leave it right where it was, leave the cradle there, leave the mobile, all of the things. Just seeing these things made me feel a little closer, and that's the thing that was the hardest. I'm sure now we're years down the line, I'm sure there's a lot more resources and support systems or support groups out there, but at that time there weren't there really weren't any. And I had I did the research on my own. And it's hard because there have been things that have happened, and it's like, oh, well, you had another child. Well, is this after you know your youngest? And it's like, no, it's my first. A girl or a boy, and I think that's that's just people's human nature. In the very beginning, it was questions that people had, and because I was vulnerable, I did talk about, you know, I did answer them. Even now, it's like, well, why, what, where, when, how? And that's something people don't have a right to ask. It's not your place, it's not none of it, it's not, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I think it's just it depends on the person. And because what I've come to realize is it's just that inquisitive nature of people, just be mindful of the question, you know, when you're asking, is it generally you know, something that you want to know to educate yourself and to be comforting, or is it just because I want to know? And so for me, that was hard to have that you know that communication.

Dr. Geneus 18:46

Imagine that you also had people who said, Oh, where's Jordan? Where's your baby? How does that feel? How do you handle that? And to have people repeatedly ask you years later, people stop asking, they forget that you've had a baby or they don't know because they didn't they didn't know you at that time in your life. That's also really strange. What does that feel like? I I can only imagine.

Erica Banks 19:11

At times it hurts, but I look at it in a way that it helps me to keep my baby's memory alive by sharing with them, you know, that she passed and from sudden if and death. Not necessarily like in in those those words, but it does it does hurt. There's when I look at the kids' baby pictures and it's like they all look, you know, i identical, it's not an easy conversation. Um, but it's a part of who I. I am in my my testimony, and she's a part of me. So like I said, some days and sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. After your second child was born, did you struggle with some worry and concern or it made it hard to I was super loving and protected, but so scared what's gonna happen to her. And she ended up coming home on an apnea monitor. After I lost Jordan, they didn't think I would be able to have any more kids because I ended up being diagnosed with an underlying health condition where that would cause me to have serious complications. At the time, they were saying, you know, you can't have it, you couldn't have kids. I had a very high risk or percentage of losing the baby. And I actually was on bed rest for a good portion of my pregnancy with her. Just like when I was pregnant with Jordan, it was let my baby be healthy and to see them now, to lose a child and then be told you're not gonna be able to have kids, probably not. And if you do conceive, you got a really high risk of losing the child, miscarry, not being able to carry to full term, and now to see my children, to be blessed with more than just one. I was really fearful. I wanted to bond and re and build that relationship with my baby, but it scared me. Am I gonna start building this relationship and then she's gonna be gone? I promise you, just you talk about haw eyes. That child, she had a crib, but she had a bassinet, and she was right there. I mean, she was right there. And there would be times where you know, when she took a nap, I took a nap, but she was right there on my chest. Because I I just wanted her close. I just if something, she's right there, and I mean every peep, any little hiccup or sneeze, or it's like you know, and she ended up having acid reflux as a baby, so it definitely was scary, super protective, super protective, like over, over protective, but I'm grateful and I know you know, getting back to Jordan, even though she was here for a short period of time, there was a lot of healing that came about, a lot of closeness within my family. It even brought people, like when they came to the service, it kind of opened their eyes to certain, you know, to to kind of like re-examine their own life, even, you know, okay, I gotta, you know, switch this up, or maybe it's time for me to get back into my word or come back, you know, get back involved in church. And so to that I'm grateful. I'm grateful because I had a friend at the time whose child that was in ICU. And I I couldn't imagine did you have to go to a friend's funeral for their child while my baby is in ICU, but she was there, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful. A lot of things that most people, when they're asking questions again, not knowing what to say or how to say it, but wanting to say something, sometimes just take your time, get a card. And if nothing else, say a prayer silently. If there's if you can't think of the right words, a simple hug, a simple text or phone call or saying, hey, you can lay your head on my shoulder. You don't even have to talk, just I'll be there, I'll sit with you. Those are the types of things that make the world. You don't have to, we don't have to talk about what we don't have to say or do. Just be there. The fact that I know you're there with me. I may be dealing with this grief that's so heavy and bad, I can't talk about it right now. I don't know how to put my feelings in a way that I can communicate or articulate to where you could clearly understand. It's not a pain that you get over. You don't. But I learned certain things. Like, okay, I've got to be mindful when I'm going to the grocery store. I can't walk past this aisle because it's gonna hurt. But getting to a place to where now that doesn't happen, it just takes time.

Dr. Geneus 25:08

It's interesting because you mentioned that it wasn't maybe until a year and a half or so later, a couple years later, that you even realized really fully what you what you'd experienced, or that you'd lost a child. That's just how devastating. You just can't wrap your mind around it. You can't then you sort of hit a wall and realize this happened to me, I lost my child. And what's so telling of that is when we talked about you coming on this program, you know, we've known each other a long time. When we met, you were in high school, and I was in college, and we met in church, and we spent time together outside of church, and I was your young adult Sunday school leader. I don't think I was a very good one. I think you were, but I tried.

Erica Banks 25:58

I think you were.

Dr. Geneus 26:00

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I loved you, and I was blessed to be able to meet Jordan, looking into her eyes and thinking, wow, you know, this child is like an old soul. She's such a she just like had this piercing stare to be so young. She just really sort of stared at you.

Erica Banks 26:19

Like God chose me, and just to see her, and I'm here to guide you, protect you, nurture you, and just everything, every milestone. I was ready and I was excited. And then when that didn't happen, it was shattering. It was really shattering, and I didn't even know. I was like, Well, how do I go on? Like, how do I do this? I I can't, like, I literally was like, a god, I can't do this. I can't. I don't have this in me to do. There's nothing, there's nothing.

Dr. Geneus 26:59

The yeah, the pain, you know, just to witness, not to even have it, you know, this happening to you in your family, but just to be an observer, sad with you, but observing. Remember the wake, the pain. I just I don't, you know, it's it's a different thing when someone's lived a long life, and even if they at the end they struggled, there's there can be some celebration, there's memories to celebrate. It's just the sadness, the pain, what you do really experience is kind of a fog. All these years later, we're talking about you coming on this program, and I'm thinking, uh, there's something I've owed you all these years, I haven't given to you, and that's the copy of the eulogy. I keep thinking, I've got to get this to you. But you didn't remember you asked me to do the eulogy for her funeral. You were there are probably many things that happened around you that you couldn't fully be aware of, just the emotion of the pain of all of what you're experiencing.

Erica Banks 28:02

I can literally say I was going through the motions. Like, I could literally like it was going through the motions. I could be behind the car and go from point A to point Z. Now, if you asked me how I got to point A to point Z, couldn't tell you. Like, that's how that's how deeply grieved, like how much I was grieving when you reached out, and I want to say thank you, and I'm grateful, you know, for you asking me for to do this. I'm just grateful. Because there's so many people that have gone through this. There's there's no manual, there's no way to say, like, there's not a way to say it, but there's no way to say, okay, this is this is how you grieve the loss of a child, this is how you leave grieve the growth the loss of an infant. And these are conversations that we really don't have, and that's why there's a lot of people that are suffering in silence, they don't know that there are support groups, they don't know, you know, in even in a church setting. And so getting up out of the bed, brushing your teeth, taking a shower. But I'm glad, you know, that I did read the eulogy because it spoke to me even today, but in a different way than it did those years ago. And so when you sent that and we started talking, I was like, yeah, like I did remember, and I remember specifically asking or saying, I I want Erica to do it. I put a lot of thought into planning everything and and who did what, and it wasn't just well, whoever. So I I do want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart because even though you know there were so many other people that could have did it, you you fought, you took that on because we were talking yesterday, and you were like, no, no, no, I didn't want to, I didn't want to, and I'm thinking, yes, yes, yes, I want her, I want her.

Dr. Geneus 30:21

I was I was young, I thought, I don't know what this experience is, this family is hurting. I just thought it was inadequate. I I couldn't begin to say anything that would, you know, and that that was my own just being young and fearful that I I couldn't meet a need even in that world, not that you can ever say anything that helps somebody and that you know takes the pain away. But I just I should have trusted God more in the situation, but I really freaked out. I was like, no, I I I had a few um conversations with different pastors and said, no, no, somebody else gotta do it, not me. And I would never ever, it's so funny to tell you now all these years later, and to kind of put our stories back together and hear that it was really your desire and your your decision. And I I feel so honored by that that you trusted me, and I just assumed somebody else made a mistake and asking me to do that.

Erica Banks 31:17

I knew that you would take it serious and you would let God use you. Because I don't I didn't want that traditional like homegoing service. I made it very clear it would be more like a church service. There needed to be a message, still remembering my baby's life, and I'm thinking I think you'd be you know respecting and and you know honoring our family, but a word needed to be spoken. To me, losing my baby at an early age is a wake-up call. Like God's not playing any kind of grief or loss. Our loved ones don't want us to stay stuck, they want us to move forward. It's just a question of how we do that, and then also having people around us that are patient enough to work through that to be there with us. It's not like I live in a fog anymore. I can talk about her and smile. There used to be a point I couldn't talk about her at all, I would I would break down in tears. You'd bring her name up, I'd break down in tears. It would just hurt that bad. And I wholeheartedly believe that it helps to keep her memory alive by helping others.

Dr. Geneus 32:52

Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking of you know, the word that did God did give me for you, and that she was a messenger to tell us that only God knows when a life is full or when her life is complete, and that her life was complete in her month and a half, and and and her purpose, and that she did bring many people together and people to Christ. She was the messenger. Yeah, that was really the message the Lord wanted me to communicate. He said Jordan and children like her, they're messengers to tell us that tomorrow is not promised. We can't take it for granted. The way you take being a parent so seriously, that was part of the message, too, is the responsibility of being given a child and how important that is to God, that we take that responsibility so seriously. I'm wondering what we can do that there are so many people that are experiencing this kind of loss, and it's not acknowledged in the same way as people who have lost loved ones who had longer lives, and people are there to see them mature and have memories, know their personality, tell stories about their life, you know, think about your interactions, see them grow. How do how can we as a fake community bring this into more of the forefront? Because there might people are really suffering in silence. And what do you think as a fake community, what do we need to do to do a better job of ministering to people who have lost children?

Erica Banks 34:41

We need to create an environment and a setting that's safe. We have to open up and start talking. But before people are gonna open up and talk, that has to be in an environment where I know I'm gonna be, it's gonna be safe. Because when you have people that have lost a child, you're gonna hear some tragic stories. They need to be able to talk to somebody without, without, and it's the human nature, and I get it, but being able to listen and hear. And not as they're talking, well, I want to ask, well, I got my own questions and start start asking questions because then it comes across as if you're you're playing 20 questions, you're interrogating me. I'm trusting you enough. I've got this on my heart, this is my burden. So we can talk about it, but then help me, help, help me through this. Because if we're always just talking about the hurt and the pain, when you're really leaving the healing for us to figure it out, and everybody, and everybody's different. People will go to different coping mechanisms, so there's nothing wrong with talking about that, and I can only go with my experience. Nothing wrong with that, and it may take some time, and then people are hurting and they are suffering and they're struggling and they are dying. You've got living walking, you've got people walking around that are alive, they're dying, and they're crying out for help, but they don't know who they can trust, they don't know where they can go. And then what are you gonna do with that information? They need to know I can trust you, and that's the confidence. You're not gonna turn around and try to use the word of God to condemn me. The Bible is there to comfort us. We need to be prayerful before we even go into those types of settings because we don't want to put off and project, well, this is what I would think and do, and coming from that human standpoint, allow God to use you. I've had, I've been able to witness and and have conversations with people to where I've not said one scripture, but I know because of the choice of words, it's nothing but the Holy Spirit. It's God using me. And that's what it is when it comes to the faith community. We gotta be real. In the church, outside of the church, if we don't talk about these things, I go to church and I've experienced these things. It took me a long time, but I will say this with all of the various forms of grief that I've experienced. A big thing is I've not always been in a safe environment, but not always knowing it at the time. Because somebody guided me whom I trust will go talk to this person or go to do this and that and the other. And then because you're vulnerable, you do that and then you get hurt. So that's another thing, too. When we're guiding people and we're giving people resources, we need to make sure our resources are accurate. If we're gonna send somebody to this person, we need to make sure that that is the right person. The right person for the right job. And this is because somebody may be doing this, this is that that's their perfection, that's their nine to five, that may not be the right, the right fit. You've got literally people that will liter that are that have lost a loved one or a child or the grief, and they think about suicide because they don't, I don't know how. I don't know who who can I talk to. There's some people they don't even think about, they can't even think. It's hurtful, it's painful. Like, what am I supposed to do now? And there's some people that are dealing with grief, it's very hard for them to deal with it because they can't bury that loved one. So that just may prolong their grief process because they're having to figure out the financing. They may not even know how to plan a funeral. But then after all is said and done, again, meeting people where they are, being real, being trustworthy, that's a huge that I don't think people understand. That is a huge responsibility. That is a huge amount of trust that we as people that are grieving instill upon you because there's something about you, there's something within you that you are my safe place. Because I can be transparent, I can cry, I can yell, scream, and heck, if I'm cussing, you're not gonna be like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. No, you're gonna let me feel what I need to feel in that moment. You're not gonna judge, you're not gonna condemn me, you're not gonna try to use, you're gonna be there. You're in this with me. I don't mean take on, take on my emotion, but you're there with me. And then we're gonna, we're gonna work, work, work through this. Whatever working through that is for you. And individualize it. There's no cookie cutter. There's no broad answer and resolution to it. We gotta personalize it. And that's where that human, that human connection comes in, that that realness.

Dr. Geneus 40:36

And if you're the one who should be supporting them, or maybe it's somebody else, not trying to control or fix things, but in our own will, but directing people, you know, where the spirit's leading us and how and how to support them. But I'm thinking too, even in terms of the eulogy, one thing it because I I didn't know how to prepare eulogy. I really didn't, I really had to not do nothing but lean on the Lord. And one of the things was really interesting. We think about the relationship with the Lord, which the Lord, which you've spoken about a lot, and and really it was really very clearly though there are things that were very personal and direct to you and to Jordan's father, to your parents and your family members, that I felt the Lord wanted me to say to you, that acknowledged personal things that I could maybe couldn't know, that conversations that you had had with God, you know, about you praying and saying, Lord, just let me have a deliver a healthy baby, you know, things that he wanted me to show you, that he heard you, that he's with you, that he loves you. And for Jordan's father, who was with her when she died, to not hold himself responsible, you know, that he loves him too. Um, and it's just that that that God wants this really personal relationship with us, he knows us better than we know ourselves. He's not meant to be this far off God, you know, that he, I mean, he knows each of us individually. And if we just look to him, there's such a personal, personal communication, such even in a moment when we're we're not even aware fully of where we are and what's happening, he's he's still reaching for us and loving us, and and very specific, very specific in the words that he's speaking to each of us, you know, to to speak directly to Erica, who's lost her daughter Jordan, and Jordan's father, and Erica and you know, Erica's family, and such a loving heavenly father that cares for us in such a specific relational way. He knows us, and he wants to comfort us and help us, even when he knows we're upset with him, you know, we're not pleased with this with this decision, God. We're not pleased that this you allow this to happen, but he also wants our unconditional love. I do think it's beautiful that you clearly unconditionally love your Heavenly Father.

Erica Banks 43:16

I hear it time and time again. Oh, you're so strong, you're so strong. No, it is God above that is keeping me, it's his grace, it's his mercy, it's his angels, it's the Holy Spirit. It's not Erica because if Erica, if Erica, Erica's own will, and I know that I know that I know the things that I've been through. And he's just shown me even in the even in the painfulest times. And I there have been many a night, I just cried, God hold me. Just hold me in your arms. God, this is too much. I can't, I can't take it. I'm not strong enough. I need you to take it. Just crying, crying, crying, like crying myself to sleep, and then waking up, and then I'm still crying because it's like even though I fall asleep when I wake my eye, when I open my eyes, my baby's still gone. You know? So I'm not like I tell people all the time, it it's time. It just that's all it is, it's time and it's my faith. I can say it's also my resiliency. It's my I know God sometimes is like, if you ask me why one more time, we're not supposed to ask why. And I'm not asking why, like I'm challenging you. It's like I want to understand, and some things it is for our understanding, and some things, but it's never to challenge God, and so my hope and my prayer in doing this, like I said, is hope is helping other individuals, other families. Don't be afraid to talk about it, because in the talking, that's where the healing comes from. And talking about it, your feelings are valid. There are some memories that you may find in having that dialogue and conversation like you and I have had that made that made us laugh. And sometimes that's all it takes is just a little bit of comfort and care and concern and love in a moment to help somebody get through to that next moment. If I can help somebody and be like, well, how does she do it? It's not me, this is how. And I'm a real person. It's not, you know, it's not fake or phony, and it's not, it's just what I have found for me. And I and these are things that I wish somebody told me. Again, it's not an overnight thing, and be okay, and people need to understand be okay with that. It's not about anybody else's timeline, it's not about being where you should be based off of somebody else. It's about you, and that's okay. And being and then being able to talk about it. You know, some people they are not, they can't talk about it, they're not ready to talk about it, and that's okay. So again, I I thank you. This has been, you know, very it's been very joyous for me. I if I can help prevent someone to ever not get to that low place, ever. There's it's hard, but there is life, and it's hard, and then sometimes we feel selfish. There's a part of us that feels selfish and bad for moving forward and being happy because it's like we have this grief.

Dr. Geneus 46:56

It's you know, it's true. It's sadness can exist with with joy, sadness can exist with laughter. You know, there's all these things can coexist. God created us as complex feeling beings. He created us to feel. And it it takes faith, it really does. It really takes faith just to go to some of these deeper emotional places.

Erica Banks 47:25

If I if I could, if I could, if this, and I I say this so serious, reduce the number of days you're laid on the bathroom floor with the shower running because you don't want your kids to hear you crying. If it reduces the number of days that you're laid in bed and you're not taking a shower or eating, if it would helps you to prevent from even thinking, I cannot go on. So maybe I'm better off not being here. There's a lot more life in me. That my story, this is not where it ends. The book isn't done. This chapter is done. Now it's up to me to be the author to create a new chapter and make it more beautiful.

Dr. Geneus 48:11

Yeah, that's a great word to end on, Erica. I do love you.

Erica Banks 48:18

I love you too.

Dr. Geneus 48:21

Thank you so much.

Erica Banks 48:23

Thank you. Thank you.

Dr. Geneus 48:25

Everybody's been so generous in sharing their testimonies. We pray, Father God, that you'll comfort us in our grief and we'll be able to see life in other people's testimonies and in their pain.

Erica Banks 48:38

Absolutely.

Dr. Geneus 48:39

Yeah. Thank you so much, Haircut.

Erica Banks 48:42

Thank you.

Dr. Geneus 48:49

Thanks for listening to the Faith to Feel podcast. Like and follow this podcast so you can hear more insightful conversations like this one. And share this episode with someone who will benefit from hearing it. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5 4. You'll find the Faith to Feel podcast on all of your favorite podcast streaming sites, such as Apple Podcasts and Spotify.