The Humanz Race Show
Here you’ll find episodes jam-packed with profanity-laced punchlines, irreverent impressions, and hilarious shenanigans that'll make you question your own sense of humor. Come join us as we dive headfirst into the realms of hilarity and push the boundaries of good taste as we share personal stories, discuss absurdities, and have a damn good time.
The Humanz Race Show
S6 Ep.#20- The Big Ern Comb Over
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Send your comments or feedback to us!
The Guys Talk About Jeff's Hair, Barber Shops And Beer, Snacks, Caits Baby's Name, H.S. Baseball, Boom Ball Review, Derek And Vinny Are Going To Umpire Little League And Other Nonsense.
The Adams County Sheriff kicked down my door. Then I heard the glass break. They found no kidnapping victims. Just some lemon pound. Mama's lemon points.
SPEAKER_03I just came across his this weekend. Lemon pound cake.
unknownHe wanna put down his own.
SPEAKER_03Welcome to the human race show. Derek and Jeff hanging out with you.
SPEAKER_00What the fuck is this?
SPEAKER_03It's a dude because I got high, Afro Man. Well, I know Afro man, he's from Lancaster. I lived in Palmdale. He's in Palmdell from Palmdale. Alright. But because Jesse Jesse knows him from there too, but he got busted. They were trying to bust him with weed and um why is it Adam's County? I don't know. Is that better? Yeah, it's better. That's I don't know that it was Adam Cake. Add him fucking found him. Anyway. No, Adams County. I know. Adam's family, you know. Lurch comes in. But they have this whole TikTok viral thing where they they show the cops coming in. And there's this fucking cop who walks by and he notices the pound cake.
SPEAKER_06And he starts tearing into pound cake.
SPEAKER_03He backs up and looks at it again. They're supposed to be on the look and he can't keep his eyes off of it. So he went and made a song about it. They tried suing him over the song. But we were driving it, it came through my list. I'm like, this is fucking fun. Under the boardwalk.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I got that part. I thought I thought you were I thought it was going towards the shit that we were talking about before because of your cards of Ed Gean shit. Oh no. I thought that was Adams County, Georgia, or some shit like that. That's what I thought it was. I don't even know. I don't even know where that's right. That's just what I thought. I thought you you you delved into your little bag of tricks.
SPEAKER_03Oh my new cards, they are cool, aren't they?
SPEAKER_06Come on. For the past 20 minutes.
SPEAKER_0315.
SPEAKER_0625?
SPEAKER_03I showed you my cards.
SPEAKER_06You are a nerd. They're not nerdy cards.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I I okay. They're not. By the way, it's it's Jeff and Derek. Yeah, I said Derek and Jeff. Okay. Did you? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03It's just Derek and Jeff today.
SPEAKER_06Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03Abraham will be here. I've been collecting these two.
SPEAKER_06Got it, got it, need it, need it, got it. What the fuck are the let me see that one?
SPEAKER_03Disneyland, the rides and shit. New set. I I took a little break on the football and the weird shit and gotten this different weird shit. I just okay. But dude, I gave you a nice card today. Yes, you did. It's a great card.
SPEAKER_06I would we're we'll talk about that. Okay, so here's what you do to me, okay? I'm trying to do something that needs to be done. Yeah. And then you're just rattling off shit at me. Dude, you're in my house. No, no, no. We're having a couple drinks. I'm excited. You do it at the steam delivery plant, too. You're like, you start talking to me, and I'm like, bro, I'm counting steam.
SPEAKER_03You're always too busy for me. That's what it seems like.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_03I fucking don't even get to see you. I'm excited that hey, check this out. And you're like, oh dude, I can't fucking talk right now. I gotta haircut.
SPEAKER_06I'm trying to get okay. Well, that was part of it today. Yeah. The other one was the dog. Yeah, okay. Okay, but I didn't even see you today. Okay. I waved to you. I'm talking about like you you the other day, you're just like you'll get there before me, and you're already done, and I gotta count and I gotta do shit. And you're like, hey man, so check this out.
SPEAKER_03So the I don't talk to you that much, dude. Gotta be honest. No. If I do, you better listen. Because it ain't no off.
SPEAKER_06It's just that you're taught. I just went did the no. No. I just did the no. I know. Fuck, I hate it. I hate when I do that. Stop that.
SPEAKER_03The no bell today.
SPEAKER_06Uh yeah, let's please do the no bell. You start talking to me, and I'm I'm thinking about 90 different things that I just gotta do to get the fuck out of here. And you're like, hey, so purple's purple. I'm not gay and doing that. I don't mean it like that. I'm just saying that you make me sound like a fucking food cake.
SPEAKER_03But I'm not making trying to make it. I'm excited to talk to my friends.
SPEAKER_06Like, hey dude, hot dogs. I was eating a hot dog, and it's like stuff that like doesn't like I'm like I drive around all day by myself.
SPEAKER_03I'm excited to see a fucking buddy and tell you something, and uh and then I get shot down like I'm too busy to fucking fuck you, dude. And then the next three days when I don't talk to you, you're like, oh, the guy's a dick, he won't talk to me. Well, fuck you.
SPEAKER_06I don't I don't ever think that. Yeah, you do at all.
SPEAKER_03Actually, most of the time, you'd rather me not talk to you, honestly.
SPEAKER_06Just no, it's not that I it's not talk, it's just like yeah, cool.
SPEAKER_03We talk enough work shit. I'm just trying to throw something else in there. Hey, I bought an off card.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, but like literally the brakes just got done cooling off, and I'm open. Dude, you knocked on the door today. I tried to open my door yesterday. Yeah, and you're like, your hair looks like shit. Dude, you look like you just gotta fight with a rock. You know what, you know what I think I look like? I look like uh um not Munson, but uh Big Earn, Big Earn McCracken.
SPEAKER_03I looked at the rear view and I was like you take such pride in your hair and stuff, and you're always looking sharp. Your hair was like fling down. It looked like you fought a badger or something.
SPEAKER_06Like okay, but there there is a reason, but I also knew. I so when I I put pomade in my hair, so it's grease. Yeah. So when I'm getting close to getting a haircut, I won't put the pomade in my hair.
SPEAKER_03Oh, is that what was going on?
SPEAKER_06Yeah. So when you said it, I would all day I was like you knew it, huh?
SPEAKER_03No, but I was You look like you just kind of fight with the socials.
SPEAKER_06Come on, pony boy, dude. But then I looked at, and then so I the way I cut my hair now is I cut a hard part, and then like so the hair goes long this way, like almost like a comb over in a weird way.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_06But it is so I when when you told me that, I looked in like that shitty, it's not a really a rear view, it's like the rear view thing. The long hairs are hanging off over here. Dude, you just look over at me. I'm like, oh rough day. Well, I was at first I wasn't even looking at you.
SPEAKER_03I wanted to fuck with you and say, You look like a bag of shit. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? I didn't do that. I didn't do that.
SPEAKER_06I I know, but I but I looked over and I was I was like, I can't wait to talk about this on podcast. Dude, I look like bigger and McCracken. Because the long hairs on this side were hanging.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, your part like is in the side of your head. It's almost like a come over, yeah. Well, it I just what I do it's getting further and further towards your ear.
SPEAKER_06It's not. It it's higher up on my head, dickhead. Go the other way. You're out of the wrong way. Um, so the way I cut my hair for everybody listening, all one of you. Um I I shave it basically up to my part, and then the the my hair on the top of my head, I I comb it over, comb over. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. But when they're Are you balding? Are you doing that for a reason or no? Just no. That's the look you're going for. Yes. Oh, hey, but it looks good on you.
SPEAKER_06Get a free bowl of soup, huh? But I when I look it you so I was looking at Ben, I had my sunglasses on, and I don't think you noticed that I wasn't looking at you.
SPEAKER_03I was looking I noticed you weren't looking at me. So I could see your goofy ass flop.
SPEAKER_06All of a sudden I I looked at, I'm like, oh shit, Derek's right there. And then you're like, hey, what's up with your hair?
SPEAKER_03I can see I gotta get I gotta take every jab I can at you.
SPEAKER_06You know, I know, but I can see the look on your face.
SPEAKER_03You're like and then I look at the rear view and I'm like no bigger and McCracken. No smile, no, like what's up or nothing. You just looked at me and I just You startled me. I'm like, well, I was trying to open your door and be like a valet.
SPEAKER_06I was gonna roll the window, but then doors open and hey nice hair.
SPEAKER_03I was trying to be a gentleman and before ladies first. Before before I could even say anything, I just noticed your hair.
SPEAKER_06And it and then I had like the Superman wisps too. Oh, yeah. I was I was disheveled. It was it was not a good look for the J Bone.
SPEAKER_03And then I come in and try to tell you about something. You're like, dude, I just come on, I don't fucking have time for this shit. I'm just like, I feel like a dick.
SPEAKER_06No, because I walk in and you have fucking your your your grabbies and your gibbeys fucking shit on.
SPEAKER_03No, it was not grabbies and gibbies, it was shit I bought for you. I'm like, I'm trying to show you, hey, look, I I picked you up something.
SPEAKER_06Okay, and you're like, hold on, man. Nine times nine times out of ten when I come in, you're on your work phone, but then you have a TikTok or whatever some dude selling shit. Yeah. And I just I okay, why not? Whatever. I don't know what it is. Yeah. And I'm not talking shit. I'm just saying, you have that going, so you're like kind of like like doing this, and then and then you look over at me like, dude, this dude's selling a Betamax 12,5800.
SPEAKER_03And I'm like, I'm just goofing.
SPEAKER_06I agree, but the I'm literally dropping my shit off so I can go back out. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. Like I I yeah, yeah, cool you a lot.
SPEAKER_03I yeah. Too much. One day you're gonna miss it. Is this art? Is this art therapy session? Not sure.
SPEAKER_06Okay, hold my hand. All right, let's talk about it. And reaching out. Did I get it? But you know, that was that was funny. I was already done.
SPEAKER_03Rough day, huh? What the fuck's up with your hair, man? Hey, speaking of hair, man, this is this is amazing. Uh Vinny gets his hair cut at a place called uh Sausies. Sausies. Do you know where it's at? No. Go there. It is the shit, dude. I'm still going on my dude. Yeah, well, you want to never venture out. Hottie? Are you talking about hottie? No, no.
SPEAKER_06No, I don't want some other dude rubbing. I don't want another dude rubbing his balls on my fucking elbow, but the dude, the but the dude I know. You know what I'm saying? These guys are I'm I'm f this elbow and this elbow is familiar with his balls, okay?
SPEAKER_03Okay, I'm gonna be completely honest. I gave him shit because he keeps wanting to go here.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_03And they do like fucking lines in your head. Anything you want. A lot of Edgar's, you know, all the new cool, but whatever. That's what he wants. So I walk in, dude. This chick, she's from like LA with sauce, saucy or whatever.
SPEAKER_06That's her, that's her.
SPEAKER_03It's her place.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_03Fucking rad, dude. I walk in. Big surprise, they're from California. I'm not even four steps in. And she's like, hey, welcome in. You got an appointment? Or uh walk in. Oh, we got an appointment here at four. Cool. Hey, grab yourself a beer and some pizza. Oh, nice. And I I look at her, I go, What? For real? She goes, Yeah, open that cooler. Cooler's full of Modellos. Fucking four pizzas up on the counter and a box of donuts. Is that every day? No, Fridays. Uh see, you can't. See, I thought it was every day. I thought it was every day. Go there on a Friday. So I'm like, and she goes, grab a seat. There was an empty chair. I'm sitting in the charity, like fucking drinking beers. Like, this is fucking nuts. Got any line? Dude, immediately call Wendy. This place is rad. Everyone's haircuts were perfect. Like, they really focus on beard. There were three guys in there with beards. They really do your beards up. It seems like it takes a while.
SPEAKER_06My my dude's not the best with beard. Oh, the two.
SPEAKER_03So maybe I'll go to the There's a fucking dude bald and he was in the chair longer than fuck. But I'm telling you, the black sack dude. The beard comes back, I I'll So I stand up and I'm like, well fuck, if no one else is here, I'll can I get a haircut? And they're like, oh, there's a waiting room in the back. And I I'm like, oh, you told me to sit right here. She goes, No, you're fine. So I go in the back, foosball table.
SPEAKER_06I was gonna say, is there a stripper pole?
SPEAKER_03Fucking TV, foosball table. They got like Wu-Tang playing and shit. Fucking awesome. You know where affordable furniture on 2nd Street, like right by the old better built. Basically across the street from McDonald's.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Up there on that furniture road. Yeah. It's right in there.
SPEAKER_06Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03I'm I'm going, dude, like, wow. They were impressive.
SPEAKER_06Good.
SPEAKER_03And how much? 30 bucks. 32. I'm not going. Maybe? I'm not going.
SPEAKER_0617.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, well. Today. Looks like 17.
SPEAKER_06But you can't even see it. I got a hat on. But I can tell. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03Same haircut. You get every week. Did you get a haircut? No, I'm going there. Oh, okay. I'm going there for you. I didn't get a haircut. I'm going tomorrow.
SPEAKER_06You actually are you actually going to start taking a little bit of pride in your fucking hair? No. You're going to go like at least once a month, not every six months, like a shit dick.
SPEAKER_03I don't go every six. I go about every three. But I'm going to try to go every two. But sometimes I want to grow my hair out.
SPEAKER_06To look like a bag of ass?
SPEAKER_03I don't look like a bag of ass. I wear a lot of hats.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so one and a half bags are better. I'll take it down by a half a bag.
SPEAKER_03You're one of the few that sees me without a hat. I usually have a hat. You don't fucking know. I know when I take it off, it looks like shit to you.
SPEAKER_06Yes, you can tell because all of the sh the spider webs crawling out of your hat, the tentacles.
SPEAKER_03It goes through stages. And that's a bad stage.
SPEAKER_06And mostly hat hair. Yeah. The one stage.
SPEAKER_03I got this stupid ass calic that every morning, dude, looks good. I haven't been putting product in. Yeah, dude, by the time I get to work, I'm like, fuck, I throw throw a hat on for 10 minutes to flatten it. Like, fuck.
SPEAKER_06I understand, but one of the reasons why I do cut my hair this way is because I have two calicks right next to each other. It's called the double crown. And that's where the the uh what's the kid? Fucking black and white TV. Yeah. Alfalfa. No. Well, Alfalfa had one. Mr. Wilson. Oh, Dennis and Menace. Dennis and Menace and Alfalfa. The reason why their hair goes boink is because that part is where the end of one of my crowns is. It's like right in the middle of the colour.
SPEAKER_03Dude, if I was to cut my calloic and go boink, it would be I'd have to cut like the top of my head. The back of my hairline and be like way up here.
SPEAKER_06It's a guinea calloic you got. It's a weird, but you do grow, you do grow a mean set of hair. I will say that. Yeah. So do I. That's the reason why I get my hair cut all the time.
SPEAKER_03It's not bald, but it sure is gray.
SPEAKER_06Fuck the I don't give I don't care. I don't give a shit. I don't care. Hey, you're you don't you're you're you don't have the cul-de-sac. You don't have the fucking island.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Neither do I'm fine. Growing great sets of hair. So fuck get it hair. I want to get a haircut.
SPEAKER_03I want to grow it a little longer and do the old totally Italian fucking big pop. Just Italian feathered fucking. We should do the duck butt, dude.
SPEAKER_06You know what the duck butt is? Yeah. Where you fucking comb the sides back and then you fucking right down the middle in the back. Dude, that's what you should do.
SPEAKER_03Now, this place, though, saucies, man. I'm gonna give them a free commercial. They do anything. Sausies. That's how you have to say it. It's like go ahead and get pizza. Hey, go check out saucies. I'm telling you, man. And then and go like this. If nothing, yeah. If nothing else, go in there on a Friday and just get free pizza fucking beer and pizza.
SPEAKER_06Nothing else. Just sit there and they're like drinking. Hey, you got lime? Like, what are you guys doing? Nothing.
SPEAKER_03Well, it's funny because one of the kids were uh yeah, we'll bring our own lime. Pull out a baggie of limes.
SPEAKER_06Are you guys here to get a haircut?
SPEAKER_03No, not really heard free beers on a podcast.
SPEAKER_06Or we should go in with our podcast shit and not plugged in. Yeah, we're doing a podcast.
SPEAKER_03But she's all cool that they do a lot of graffiti and shit in there. She's she used to run with all these okay.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I mean, yeah. Free free advertisement.
SPEAKER_03She is like there's there's no kicking her out of bed.
SPEAKER_06Okay. But not for eating crackers.
SPEAKER_03You know, my dad used to say, I don't know what that means. Because you don't eat fucking crackers.
SPEAKER_06I'm not I'm not kicking her out of her bed for eating crackers. I always like looked at him like, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, because you know, hey bitch, you eating fucking crackers in the house.
SPEAKER_06I I thought maybe it was like uh she was a fat bitch. That's what I that's what I went with. Oh no.
SPEAKER_03But she's eating all the time or something. Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_06Or is it because then you're she make crumbs in bed? That's okay, it just dawned on me literally right now. Oh, really? Yeah. I always knew that.
SPEAKER_03I don't well you don't want somebody eating crackers. I didn't notice that until I ate in bed a couple of times, and then like I wake up and you're like, hey, what's what's I had peanut butter crackers and I fucking lean my whole body off the side of the bed. Just so it crumbles down into the carpet. Then I'm trying to be quiet so you don't wake Wendy up. I'm with her and then right on your shoulder is Dennis. He's like, What's up? You got crackers, bro?
SPEAKER_06Dude, I will narc you the fuck out right now if you don't give me some crackers.
SPEAKER_03I'll be sleeping or laying there for an hour, and I get up and I'm gonna go get some water. And every time I get up, here comes Dennis.
SPEAKER_06What are we eating, bro? And I'm like, You're gonna get a handful of string cheese or a handful of shredder cheese?
SPEAKER_03I pay the cheese tax. Cheese tax. Cheese tax, man.
SPEAKER_06Samson, it's not even the cheese tax with Samson. It's just fucking whatever you got. He's so used to fucking.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I'm trying to get away from that because sometimes I gotta tell him, dude, dad's having a snack without you. And then I always save that last little That's what Nail Me afraid I do.
SPEAKER_06Okay, here's my problem with Samson on that. Everything I eat is fucking spicy. So you can't give it to him. So you're just sitting there the whole time, drool, dude.
SPEAKER_03He starts drooling. Maybe give it to him once and then he'll say, Fuck that, I ain't gonna be able to do it.
SPEAKER_06And then I have diarrhea in the house because his asshole's burning. I'm not doing that either, because it's still my house and I don't want to smell diarrhea in my house. And I'm not saying he would shit, but at the same time, I'm not gonna put him through the fucking pain that I put myself through on my food. It's dude, it's a good pain though. It's so good. It's my favorite.
SPEAKER_03I love the shit burns.
SPEAKER_06Have you tried that fucking um that chiltipine salsita that's in the in the refrigerator at the steam plant?
SPEAKER_03Dude, I don't I don't take anything from that fridge. There was shrimp in there for like three weeks.
SPEAKER_06Mine. It's dried shrimp. It was in the freezer.
SPEAKER_03It was in the freezer. It was in the fridge.
SPEAKER_06No, not for three weeks. It was in the free. I put it in the f- It was in the fridge for like two days. I put it in the freezer. It's dried shrimp. Why? You put uh you put uh lime and and the coconut and the so you put it in the f is it still in the freezer? No, I got it out. I took it to the freezer in my house. Dude, they stink, they're dried, they're they're salt-dried shrimp.
SPEAKER_03Every time I go get a like a bottle of water. Does it still smell like shrimp? No, not now, but and that whole week I'm like, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, well, I forgot it. I put it in the fridge, and then like it was over, it was a day, like a but they're dried, so they're it's not that they're rotting. Yeah, I I can't.
SPEAKER_03It's just they're fucking but but like there's shit in there. I'm like, the fucking pasta from three weeks ago that's Jeff. Jeff brought in or something. I'm like, I'm not sure. The other Jeff anything in there.
SPEAKER_06Like so on the top shelf, there's that that shit won't ever go bad. It's fucking pure chiltipine with fuck you can you can cook food in that shit. It won't go bad. Try that, that'll fucking light you up.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'm yeah. I don't need that. I mean why not? What the fuck? I I'm too busy to be getting lit up.
SPEAKER_06Making dude, I listened to it, making friends with the crow.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that was a good one, huh? Dude, that's the one we listened to with Wendy.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god, I forgot about that. Towards the end of it, I haven't seen the crows lately. I hated myself because I just kept fucking ra yammering. But just just the like, what do you you have so much time in your head? You're like, what do you do? And I'm like, nothing.
SPEAKER_03Well, I'll come out here and fuck around like cards with the door open. And then you see I see the crows. You're like, you know what?
SPEAKER_06I stopped to have a you me having the mental image of you like a falconer with a with a rubber dish glove on.
SPEAKER_03I was fucking leading them with food too.
SPEAKER_06I don't know if it dawned on me, but you said you kept you said it twice. Like, if he ever jumped on you, you would freak out. Oh, yeah. I would too. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Like, this is not really what I wanted.
SPEAKER_03And and not just sh shtick. I put my arm out. I'm trying to get them off I believed you when you said that, but then you think about it, it's like that's fucking crazy, dude. Like, if he really hopped up on me. Yeah, but uh here's the big do they they have large talons?
SPEAKER_04Do the chickens have?
SPEAKER_06What the hell are you saying? Um they're super duper smart, so if you ever like bro down with one, he might be your bro for life.
SPEAKER_03I know that's where that's the whole point. And he'll tell his friends.
SPEAKER_06I don't think he's uh I don't think he's over there. Like, hey, check this out, bro.
SPEAKER_03They are they they're the other thing I thought about you get with the murder the murderer crows, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, you're you're a smart guy. I bet people didn't know that.
SPEAKER_03Uh a group of crows it's called a murderer, a flock of crows is called a murder.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Um, if you give them a trinket, a lot of times they'll remember you.
SPEAKER_03Ooh, okay.
SPEAKER_06Like a bracelet, something something shiny. It could be a like a piece of fish in lure or whatever. Like if you get them to like be cool, where they're like feeding, and then you give them something. Sometimes there's people I've seen people like on the talk. Shorts or whatever. Yeah. Where they talked about making friends with a with this bird, and it's they gave him a trinket, and then they start bringing them shit.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that'd be fucking rad, dude. Like, look what the crow brought me, dude.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Look what Steve Steven brought me today. I'd I'd name him like Larry. You wanted to name what did you want to name him? Oh, we were going Jaquiz.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he had to be amazing.
SPEAKER_06I kept making the Negro reference.
SPEAKER_03He has to well, he's gotta be, you know. Carmangello.
SPEAKER_06Carmangello. We said Lamangelo and Orangelo.
SPEAKER_03He's gotta be. He's gotta have anything. He can't be a Steve.
SPEAKER_06No, I think you should name him Carl or something.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Just something normal.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. You know, just something like that.
SPEAKER_03We've been dicking with uh the baby name. Yeah. And we Kate's not here. She's working. She's doing really good. I'm so proud. Good. 40 hours a week lately. She's working.
SPEAKER_06Big timer.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, big time. Big time. The bitch makes fucking good money over there. Crazy. We bust her ass for fucking peanuts.
SPEAKER_06I heard a story about that too. We'll talk about it after, but I was gonna ask for more, but then I heard to not. Should we? No, I heard to not. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I'll tell you why later. Okay. But she's doing good. Potato potato. Uh but we came up with the name Skittles. No, it Damn it. This is the name. Skittles. Lucy Dale. D-A-Y-L E.
SPEAKER_06Dolly.
SPEAKER_03Well, my middle name is Dale. I know it is. Grandpa's name is Dale.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But I have a customer named Dale as a chick.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that's cool. D-A-Y-E. Lucy Dale Torina.
SPEAKER_06Okay. That's it's a good name. Solid name.
SPEAKER_03It is.
SPEAKER_06L D T. Liddit. So that doesn't say it's not like Yeah, we're not really going for that. No, no. I I'm not saying that you're trying to do that. I'm saying it so it doesn't say fag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I gotta go with a D-I-K. Yeah. Yeah, where do you go, Dick? You know. I was going for and then Lucy. I mean you you can go Lucy Boozy later on.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but she's like, well, Lucille. No, just fucking straight up Lucy. Lucille's kind of cool though. Well, that's Lucille, which we call Lucy, but you can you know that's an old school name, too.
SPEAKER_06Bring it back the fucking old Lucille Ball. Yeah. And then they or she named her daughter Lucy. Or Lucille.
SPEAKER_03And then there's a song Lucille.
SPEAKER_06Lucille. Like Chuck Berry or something.
SPEAKER_04Lucille.
SPEAKER_06Chuck Berry? Yeah, I think it is Chuck Berry. I thought it was uh Lucy. Fucking fat dude.
SPEAKER_03But Chuck Berry's guitar was named Lucille, actually. It's someone else.
SPEAKER_06No, Chuck Berry sang it about his guitar.
SPEAKER_03Was it?
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Lucille. Lucille. Lucille song.
SPEAKER_06Everybody's phone goes off.
SPEAKER_03Little Richard. Little Richard, there you go. You love Lil Richard. Oh. I do. The small dick.
SPEAKER_06Um guitar uh what's the guitar player? The fucking.
SPEAKER_03B.B. King.
SPEAKER_06B.B. King. His guitar's name is Lucille. Thank you. That's God. I was fucking brain farting on that one.
SPEAKER_03So Lucille. I like it. I do.
SPEAKER_06I think it's I think it's good.
SPEAKER_03I text her laying in bed. I'm like. The baby's name is Lucy Dale Torina. Final. Good night. And it kind of stuck.
SPEAKER_06And no, we were trying to go for then put yourself on no contact or no.
SPEAKER_03I think she was already sleeping for an hour when I did that. But that's the name. Lucy. Lucy Dale.
SPEAKER_06I'm into it.
SPEAKER_03Am I? And and she's got a song. Lucy and this guy with diamonds. Yeah, but that's about LSD, though. Yeah, well, still.
SPEAKER_06I like how he tried to play it up. That's a beautiful song. Oh and beautiful. It's a prunk finding me. He said he said his son came up. Yeah, his son. It's a beautiful thing. I was like, you you are high off your ass.
SPEAKER_03You're higher than Derek's parents. Yeah, Lucy and the Sky. But what else you got? Lucy. Uh well you got Lucille.
SPEAKER_06You got there's an there's gotta be another Lucy song. There's like a pop punk punk song that was Lucy or something.
SPEAKER_03I'm having a brain fart. But I like it. I'm brain farting. So that's that's her name.
SPEAKER_06It's good. I like it. Let's take five and uh Yes, please.
SPEAKER_03Abe's on his way.
SPEAKER_06Gabe. Mr. I'll be here.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Hey.
SPEAKER_06By the way, where are you at? Just so you guys know, we've only been recording for 26 minutes, but we've been here for an hour and 26 minutes.
SPEAKER_03Well, you got here. Right at the fuck, yeah. Like three three minutes. An hour and twenty-two minutes, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I would have been here earlier.
SPEAKER_03That's okay. The traffic the fucking traffic in Glassford right now is fucking retarded. Oh dude. We went to a we went to a baseball game before we get to break. We went to uh two days in a row now. High school ball was playing. They're playing Prescott. So it'd be good. I coached a bunch of those kids from Prescott. So we went to I'm going for Bradshaw because that's where we're gonna go.
SPEAKER_06Why didn't you send him to Prescott by the way? Isn't there ball isn't there a ball team better?
SPEAKER_03No. We had a better Seriously?
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I thought Prescott fucking high school had a better ball team.
SPEAKER_03No. So we played Bradscott program. No. Bradshaw's really used to. Okay. That's what I So the last two days varsity has played each other. One game there, and then last night here, we went to that one. Bradshaw won them both.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_03And then the freshman team, though, that's what I took Vinny out. And uh I got four kids out there that I coached last year for Prescott. So I'm kind of like, gotta go for Prescott.
SPEAKER_05Fuck you, little shit. You ain't on my team anymore. That's what I thought. I don't know.
SPEAKER_06It was awesome seeing all the parents and No, I I know, but anytime he like anytime one of them flippoint would be like and then just kind of watch him go, damn it, coach.
SPEAKER_03It's so different than even Travel Ball or and Little League, especially. You don't walk to the dugout. You know, I can't.
SPEAKER_04No, I'm saying scream from the dugout. What's it?
SPEAKER_03No one was fucking yelling nothing. Like why not? You go to our games, even people are like, hey, come on, blue, and yelling shit. Here everyone high school ball they changed, they'll kick you out. I can't even go to the dugout. So I'm like standing over there waving. Steven! I'm going over here.
SPEAKER_05Look up here.
SPEAKER_03And then the kid notices me. He's hey coach! I'm like, hey, dude. And I go, tell everyone I said hi, I don't want to get no one in trouble. I'm gonna flick a booger at you later. But we're watching him, and it's like Vinny goes, I think our team would beat both those teams right now. I'm like, you would. The varsity, the varsity team is no, it was the freshman team for high school. Our travel team of eighth graders would beat both those teams.
SPEAKER_06Really?
SPEAKER_03Oh, dude. They were they're all right, but they I think they just let anyone play. Like, I don't think you get kicked off of the once you get to JV and varsity, yeah, you gotta make a team.
SPEAKER_06Ah, we didn't have a freshman team. We only had a few. I never heard of that either.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah. This I think they just let everyone. There's like fucking 28 kids in a dugout. It's like, what the fuck is that?
SPEAKER_06Well, because also in a weird way, too. Like, no offense to cut you off, but like if you didn't make the team in in J V, it's like some k some kids ne have never played and they haven't really developed too, like right.
SPEAKER_03But well, that's what I'm saying. But you can tell they could play, but they need Yeah, you need more fucking time. So I'm in for I I get it. I get it. I'm down with it. But dude, we would have whooped him, like go put our rebels against him, fucking smoke them. And I'm that's truth. So we go over and watch the JV. Vinny's like, I think we can fucking hang with these guys too. I'm like, I don't know, dude. I mean, they're they're a little stronger. Next kid gets up, hits one about 375 feet over the fence, almost in the parking lot. Oh. And Vinny looks at me and goes, Maybe not.
SPEAKER_06I was gonna say that his little his little his little old pack ahead ego might be getting ahead of him a little bit.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I got something to say about that before the break here, too. Um his hair now? I haven't seen him. It's the same. It's okay. He hasn't that he hasn't permmed his hair. It's still permed. That's his natural hair now.
SPEAKER_06You think he's permanently like permanent?
SPEAKER_03Well, I got curly hair, I did, except wearing a hat. When I let it he's putting product in it. He puts some stuff like a like a activator in it. I don't know what the fuck it is. He's got it by it's natural hair now. So I'm like, we can't really fuck with him like like he's permanent. He's just a natural alpaka head. So it could be just the way he's combing. And then we went to this uh boom ball, which I'll talk about. Most of us combed our hair back. We'll talk about the boom ball that we're gonna go to bananas and they they had a team called the llamas and uh the chaos or something. And they all have their hair permed. No, but I'm like, we naturally we have to go for the llamas, right? You're all like because I got two kids with me that look like llamas. I'm like, we're fucking llamas, right? You know, and that was a bust. Uh boomer bust, that was a bust, but we'll be right back hanging with you, Ms. Race. Never wants to be a good thing.
SPEAKER_06Okay, now I don't even hear their story. They're gonna if you don't play this song during boom ball you couldn't, dude.
SPEAKER_03It was fucking lap. I'm telling you, dude. I was but you think like welcome back to the show.
SPEAKER_04Hey everybody, welcome to the street.
SPEAKER_03They probably don't have the rights.
SPEAKER_06You can you don't need rights to play that stadium.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. You don't need rights anywhere, right? At least as far as we know. Right? No, dude, it was it was okay. We went to Boomball last Saturday. I was supposed to go to the banana. It's a brand new baseball game. This is a well okay, so they've never this is their very first game ever.
SPEAKER_06Oh, this is that was brand that was their first flagship fucking first thing.
SPEAKER_03So you couldn't find anything on it. How did you find it? Uh through Facebook or something. It was like, uh if you can't get take us to the big show. Oh it was the same night as Banana Ball. Makes sense now, yeah. So we're trying to catch come check out Boom Ball. Yeah. Trying to catch the overflow. Let's go check it out. So we went and checked it out. We ended up with right behind home plate, second row. And the front row right in front of us, no one's sitting there. We could have sat there, but we're fine, you know. Right. I put my feet up, whatever. Dude, first inning was very promising. I'm like, this is cool. So they put you got your whole team in the outfield, say.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_03And your catcher. The other team's hitting, they have their own pitcher who's throwing lollipops. Well, I mean, like batting practice, yes. So you need to have some gas to get it over the wall. But yeah, they were they were still coming in and sinkers, yeah, he's not. Exactly. So they have it's a like a 10-minute inning. So they got five minutes to score as many runs as they can, you know.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_03And it was cool.
SPEAKER_06It's like, okay, you know, you're still throwing them in So if your team doesn't catch one in the outfield, it's a single or double or something.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you're running, you're playing baseball, it's just you have your own pitcher. So he's throwing you strikes.
SPEAKER_06So you said I have a first baseman, second baseball. Yeah, full you said you're a team in the outfield. The field. All right, I thought it was like home run derby kind of thing.
SPEAKER_03No, they have the full team out there, but you're pitching to your own team. Okay. And then you see they scored one run and five minutes or whatever. And then the next team comes up, they scored two, so they won that inning.
SPEAKER_06Just like the bananas.
SPEAKER_03That kind of thing. It's like, okay, it's a little different, but it's cool. So it's six inning game. Each inning is a different mini game, I guess you say. So second inning, okay, next innings coming up is trick shot inning. Okay. And it's fucking wild. We're so close. We're like field level, you know, right there. Second row. And they're hitting ground, like they got their own guy hitting fungos out to short, and he's like fucking behind his back, flipping it and throwing it to first, and you're watching. But there's also something going in the outfield with a trampoline. But we can't really see where we're at. Okay. They don't have it on a jumbo screen or nothing. It's like, what the fuck's going on? You know, like we're supposed to be watching everything. A little weird. But okay. We we just finished playing two games in the 100 degree weather all day. So I'm a little tired. A few beers, whatever. Third inning. It's fucking bizarre. They got like you hit the ball, and then you have to jump in a go-kart and make it to first. And your knees are up by your fucking ears. I mean, it was tiny little go-kart. It's like Mario Kart. And then from second first to second, you have like this football high knee thing shit. And then from second to third.
SPEAKER_06And over the like over the ropes?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you have to do that thing. And then third, you have like a a weavy, there's like these poles that you have to weave through. I already hate this. And then third base to home, you put on this big bubble. You know, bubble.
SPEAKER_06Like the gyro balls or whatever, like the hamster ball blown up.
SPEAKER_03You have to roll home. So it's like I get the I mean, you have potential here. But it's chaotic and stupid. Yeah, it sounds awful. It's not great. And then they take a fucking 20-minute break. I'm like, fuck.
SPEAKER_06The third inning stretch?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, third inning stretch. And I'm like, I'm dying now at this point.
SPEAKER_06I'm like, What time was this too?
SPEAKER_03It started at seven. Oh. So it's only a two-hour game.
SPEAKER_06So you're not in the sun again. Oh no, no. That's what I thought. Maybe you're out there going, okay. No, no, no. I am a toasted cheeser.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It was I'm Hamilton Porter. Then they like light this hula hoop thing on fire, and you gotta hit off a tee. Trampoline, high knees, hula hoop. So the third fire. Well, this is this is where it really got weird. You had to hit off a T in the like between the pitcher's mound and catcher's mound is this flaming hula hoop. Okay. And they have to hit off the T through the ring of fire. But on the right field, which you could barely see is another ring of fire. No, it's a fucking dunk tank. And you just see people dropping. I don't know what they're doing. And out in left field, which we could barely see at all, they had some kind of cannon gun. I think they were shooting hot dogs in the air, and then the outfielders had to catch hot dogs in their mouth? Or in the city, I just picture this. The mouth would have been much bigger. Picture a fat kid out there, like it was fucking goofy. Hey Lardass. So show down, wide load.
SPEAKER_05Baba boo.
SPEAKER_03So by the fourth that, I'm like, hey guys, man, it's fucking tired. Now they're already looking on their phones and shit. I could tell they were getting bored that the boys we brought in. Like, you guys want a boogie? Wendy's like, well, let's stay for one more. And I don't even fucking know what the next one was just even stupider. And I'm like, I'm out of here, dude. And so they start doing six inning was uh home run derby with they turned all the lights off. They gave you these like bracelets that they looked really cool.
SPEAKER_06Like on the Eras tour.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. I was gonna say like a Taylor Swift, everything it was really cool seeing all the braces.
SPEAKER_06I mean, I don't know what that's about.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we do. It's awesome. We watched it. It was awesome. It's awesome. It is.
SPEAKER_04It's awesome, dude. It was cool.
SPEAKER_03So I'm like, well, let's move out and start heading to the parking lot and get out of here. But But it's glow in the dark balls. It's glow in the dark, the lights are out, and they're hitting home run derby. No one even hit a home run.
SPEAKER_06The scientists from Fukushima.
SPEAKER_03But I'm just like, hey, let's go out to this outfield area, maybe catch a ball or something, and not even close. And boogie. It sucked. Overall.
SPEAKER_06So the glow in the dark balls only glow.
SPEAKER_03They don't travel that far though, because they're not fucking bad. They're dead balls. Yeah, they're dead balls.
SPEAKER_06But also, were they were they like the luminous where you crack them and you break them and then you and then you hit them? Or were they charge them by like you like by light? What's on a mask?
SPEAKER_03They're they're they're charged.
SPEAKER_06They got so they got the luminous you crack them. And put the little glower thing in, and then they die after you there's a little charging port on the ones online.
SPEAKER_03Oh very tiny and it you plug it in. It's LED. It's an like an LED, it's it's fucking stupid, dude.
SPEAKER_06But but then But they can't even hit like I was gonna say those ones you can't hit because you'll break them. So I'm saying they're very good.
SPEAKER_03They go, that's a home run. I'm like halfway to the fucking fence. I don't know if they made a fence, invisible fence that we didn't see. I'm like, that ain't a home run. It's like this.
SPEAKER_06Well, my dad, my dad would play night golf in in in Palmdale, and he would play with it was a well, they had that little tiny glow stick in the middle. Crack it and you stick it in the ball, but then those are dead balls too. They don't fly like regular golf balls. It's like a 20 or 30 yard difference.
SPEAKER_03But it's cool.
SPEAKER_06It's fun, but at least you can see the ball. But on the LED balls or the ones that are luminous that you have to charge by light. Like if the if they did those, but they'd have to like put like dude. One time we my dog had Bart had a had a glow-in-the-dark t-shirt. Remember sticking it under a light and then turning everything off, and it's like card. We took a spotlight that my stepdad had, like one of those fucking ones that looks like you know the laser light show, and we charged up Bart. And then he was in, dude. You just saw this floating skull going around. So they need to do that with the balls, is what I'm saying. But if they're if they weren't charged up enough, you can't fucking see them.
SPEAKER_03Like, so we're out like left field at this point, and you could I couldn't see him pitched, but I could see them in the air when they hit him, you know, kind of is like, oh, there's the ball.
SPEAKER_06Do you think do you think it's because you're old man eyes that you couldn't see him? Maybe a little part, but do you think Vincent was like, they're right there? No, no, because we were all with his nice sharp.
SPEAKER_03We were all in the same boat going like the fuck is it? Oh, and you look and you just see this, and it was just a glimmer of something. So I get home or to the hotel, and it's like, yeah, dude. Okay, boom ball's been out now. We get on TikTok, see if anyone posted. Everybody's all boo. Dude, someone put this whole description so chaotic. You you can't watch everything. Good concept, but definitely needs work and all, you know, they were nice about it, whatever. First comment, me. I'm like, Yay! I said, dude, I said, I said the same exact shit. I mean, you have something maybe, but we didn't know where to look. You don't know what's going on.
SPEAKER_06It's almost like you need to be in the nosebleeds and see what's going on.
SPEAKER_03And there's no nosebleeds because they play at a spring training place. So we see is right there. I'm saying second row, but there's only the fucking 40, you know.
SPEAKER_06Like it's not so you need to be in the 40th row.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you need to be on a row. The flaming stick of dynamite. Or play. Put it up on a screen, like the outfields and like I don't know.
SPEAKER_06Do the minor league.
SPEAKER_03But it had guys and girls, so it had like softball players. That was the fifth inning that I forgot what it was. They brought out this was kind of cool. I like the fifth inning. They brought out this fucking broad dude. She was she had that fucking pooch underneath her waistline and but she was a US Olympian um pitcher. Pitcher.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Softball.
SPEAKER_03And she pitched a kin.
SPEAKER_06Had a little stubble.
SPEAKER_03Dude, she had a full fucking goatee. I'm telling you. But dude, softball. Doesn't pitch as far as ninety feet. Yeah, but they're so they they made a little mound for her. It's full.
SPEAKER_06It's sixty feet.
SPEAKER_0360.
SPEAKER_0660. 60. And if you're throwing 71, that's 110. They were coming in. That's 110 if they're throwing 70.
SPEAKER_03Like she was chucking, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like this. And Benny's looking, going, Wow, man. Like, I'm like, well, your reaction time, and that's the thing with softball, like their fields are smaller. Yeah, you hit a ground ball to third, you might say, fuck, it's right there.
SPEAKER_06Well, you also might die, and then it better be and you better be running. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because it it's fast.
SPEAKER_06Well, most of those broads are out of the box before they even hit the ball. Oh, yeah, they're running. They're doing that. That drag hit drag button. Dude, they're like six steps out of the tip of the bat hits the ball.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they start that whole two-step fucking thing.
SPEAKER_05They're already gone.
SPEAKER_03Control Vinny, try that dude at a game. People are like, what the fuck's this bitch doing?
SPEAKER_05He's playing with the big ball.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, it was uh it was a bust. Okay. But you didn't make it to Banana Ball. I know. That big blast. Big bummer. I'm a banana fan now.
SPEAKER_06So I want to try it for sure. It just didn't work out. It was too much. Freya was doing something, and I was taking her, but then I had a meetup with a guy, and then I had a meetup with the people going down, and then I don't really know all the people going down, and it was just kind of like.
SPEAKER_03So this is the same exact arena or a field that we watched banana ball. Standing room only. No. This seats everywhere. Not even the grass is there's no one even loud enough.
SPEAKER_06Well, because they were trying to get the like because you told me about buying buying banana ball tickets. You not only do you have to get in a raffle or uh or lottery, you gotta get drawn, you gotta and then and then they tell you when you could buy the tickets, and then if you don't buy the tickets, you're out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the whole thing yeah, but way cooler. And the whole game is just they're playing shit like so kiss a little longer. We'll talk a little longer, breath a little longer, longer with big red.
SPEAKER_04The big red freshness, and that's not a good thing. They're playing all these jingles and shit. Now fresh breath goes on and on. While you chewing, say goodbye a little longer. I wanted you to keep talking. I I I was gonna go underneath.
SPEAKER_03Well, you got me back in the but it was uh just more way more fun. They're just buying Scooby-Doo and all this weird fucking the whole time. You just yeah. This was like we sang Sweet Care Line, which I fucking I just talked on the last episode how I loved Neil Diamond. We win that that episode's coming out tomorrow, but I hate the whole bum bum bum shit. And here's me in a fucking second row. Bam bam bam. Man, I mean like so good, so good.
SPEAKER_05Because there's 68 people on the stands like hey, let's keep this party going, people. I know you. You're like no come on, bro, get up, let's do this. It was weird. It's boob, bro.
SPEAKER_03The cool thing, there was this fucking smoke show right behind us, man. And she's cheering on you sniffed her you sniffed her seat, didn't you? No, I couldn't do it. She didn't stand up long enough. Okay. She was she was cute, and she kept cheering on this guy, and I finally turned around and talked to her. And she's like, that's my husband out there, and he's like the ringleader of the whole thing. So he had the llamas versus fucking chaos or something, and uh riot, uh chaos, I think they were called, whatever. But she was the wife of the main dude, so he kept coming into the crowd and going right to her. So it's cool. We got a ball player like right there on my shoulder. You have a nice ass? Dude, he was hot, man. Okay. I mean, he was right, yeah. And he's very entertaining.
SPEAKER_06Has he leaned? Backflips. He like looked at you, kind of leaned in on him.
SPEAKER_03I just bit my finger. Okay. Did you did you give him bit my lip a little?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah. What's your name, Steven? Oh, okay. Hey, what's up?
SPEAKER_03His name's Adam.
SPEAKER_05Dude, that's even better. Hey, I'll I'll be your Eve. Hey, I'm just chewing on the red, whatever.
SPEAKER_03But it was kind of cool. They come out and talk to you. But, dude, come on, man. For that price, I pay $250 for four seats and parking.
SPEAKER_06Ooh.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. That's a little rough. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I'd rather go see a football game that I can't see shit at.
SPEAKER_03I'd go see the fucking Bradshaw Mountain freshman team. That was more interesting.
SPEAKER_06Jack and 300 yard dangers. The 300 feet, 370 foot dangers. I said yard.
SPEAKER_03It was silly.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_03Still on the baseball theme. Look behind you. Look what I picked up yesterday. Well, we signed Vinny up for he's 13, gonna be 14. Oh, is he gonna go? So he's allowed to umpire now. Yep. So I'm like, hey, Vinny's and he went to do this whole clinic and learned how to do it. I didn't go because I don't need to, whatever. I mean, I it's all for new umpires.
SPEAKER_06Okay. Did you did you go to it?
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_06Why not?
SPEAKER_03Because I'm not a new umpire.
SPEAKER_06No, I'm saying, did you go to it initially to be an umpire? No. Exactly. But I'm an adult. I'm calling you out. Dude. You you're a shit umpire.
SPEAKER_03I'm a good umpire.
SPEAKER_06You didn't go to class.
SPEAKER_03But I know. I know I went to YouTube.
SPEAKER_06I went to YouTube. Did you go to class?
SPEAKER_03I went to YouTube.
SPEAKER_06Do you have a do you have a certificate of completion of umpire school?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I could make one if I needed, but no, I didn't. And I was gonna get there. I was gonna say I never even initially did it, but I kind of got grandfathered in.
SPEAKER_06Now they're like, hey Derek, can you well yeah, I could do it. You got a half in the bag.
SPEAKER_03Fucking hey, man. I could do it. That's exactly how I did it.
SPEAKER_06And I remember you were working on your strike.
unknownDing! Ding!
SPEAKER_03You think I was working on it then? I was in the mirror. I know. I know last night. Oh, why last night? Because okay. You're trying to try to coach up your kid on how to be a good umpire. I wasn't there by myself.
SPEAKER_06No, but you're trying to work on a good one, and then you're gonna be like, this is what I do. Like that. Karate kid? No. Dude, you should do a full crane.
SPEAKER_03I've been I've been obsessed with this for three days now. Check this out, dude.
SPEAKER_05All right, so not a surprise.
SPEAKER_03Dude. Three days. This is fucking ridiculous. So I know. So I wasn't gonna do this. I was that's Vinny's gig. He gets paid uh 35 bucks.
SPEAKER_05Can't let the kid outshine me.
SPEAKER_03No, no, no. He's going do his own thing. Okay. So I I get this you know group message and I go, yeah, Vinny's available uh next Monday, Thursday, and Friday. And he goes, Oh okay, Derek, you uh you're gonna call with him, right? And I go, Sh I can, sure, if you need me. Because well, the kids have to have be with an adult, and we got so many young kids, I need adults. I'm like, yeah, I'll do it. I get sixty bucks a game. So it's an hour and forty minute game.
SPEAKER_06Are you gonna let him be behind the plate and you're gonna be able to get away?
SPEAKER_03He's not allowed to do that with adults. He's gotta work into it, I guess.
SPEAKER_06I don't know, but wait, when when so if the kid can't be with without an adult, then when is he gonna be able to get behind the plate?
SPEAKER_03Well, he's not this the season. Next year he can start he's gonna be.
SPEAKER_06Is that just because it's his first season?
SPEAKER_03No, because he didn't sign up for behind a plate. Oh. He just said, I just want to be a field umpire. You know, whatever. So I got fucking roped into this shit, and I'm like, dude, I don't I don't have no gear or nothing. You know, and he goes, I want to see you in the I put it on with this. Dude, I was in a mirror practice, stupid. So I'll get there.
SPEAKER_05Um so I feel like you look like a ninja turtle.
SPEAKER_03I don't know what I look like. It was fucking bizarre, dude. I don't look like the guy in the box.
SPEAKER_05No, that dude looks like fucking sharp.
SPEAKER_03I'll put it on. I'll put it on. So I go, hey man, I don't have no gear or nothing, you know. He's like, Oh, you're gonna be calling behind the plate. Well, I didn't last two years I didn't do behind the plate because I don't want to hurt. I mean, you get foul balls and the fucking neck and the arms and shit. I don't know if I'll just do out there. Well, now I go to pick up Vinny's gear, his hat and his shirt and bullshit. They got a whole box of gear for me. Oh, you're behind the plate now. I'm like They just gave it to you? Fuck. Well, I gotta return it at the end of the season, but yeah.
SPEAKER_06I'll sweat it in?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah, it's gross. Yeah, well, whatever. I mean, at least I got new shit. I would go commando in it. Well, it's not it's just knee pads, shoulder pads, and chest pads. It's only knee, it's not shin? It's got shin.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, shin guards underneath.
SPEAKER_03It's knee shin, uh, the chest protector, and a face mask.
SPEAKER_06Is it the hockey style one or the old school? It's the old school.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So I'm out here fucking wearing it last night. So I'm like, I got a little nervous, man. Like, I don't know how to you know really do this. So we were out of the games. I was telling you, watching I'm not even watching the game, I'm watching the umpire. Like, okay, where's he standing? What's he doing? I don't want to be like, you know, I gotta get my own flair. And I'm watching this dude last night, he's just like and the other the other uh the freshman, that guy's like so. I'm like, okay, do I want to go huh? Or huh? And I'm so obsessed with this. But my third, I'm like, the whole thing. Gotta have your I'm getting the whole fucking thing. So they put me on Monday this next coming up Monday with another kid who is I've coached for years. I know him real well, so I'm like, cool, I got him, and then Thursday, me and Vinny.
SPEAKER_06So you gotta talk to you gotta talk to the kid beforehand. Hey, bro, dude, I was a coach, but you got you gotta help me. We're keen now, dude. Then you gotta help me though. Work work on my you gotta like, dude.
SPEAKER_03One one of how this shit looks, man. One of the crane, dude, crane it and fucking crank it. I wanna be that.
SPEAKER_05I you're laughing, but I wanna be but you gotta have a good zone. Well, you could do that shit.
SPEAKER_03I'm doing minor league, so I did it a few years ago. There's no strikes hardly. So when I did it, I had to I was the only umpire, so I had to stand behind the pitcher.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And call it that way I can call the fill too.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And I tell both coaches, hey, I'm gonna open the strike zone up, you know, like I want these kids to swing. You can't just sit there and everyone's a walk. I'm gonna open it up, you know, six inches on each side, up and down too. Just if it's close, I want the kids swinging. So I'll establish that. But I know the rules pretty damn good. I've been playing ball, I've been coaching ball, I know fucking baseball, but I know shit's gonna come up where you're just like where some dickhead is gonna be like, no, rule fucking 143.6 says I'm gonna be like, dude, are you fucking minor league? Are you brushing up on your Yes? I have. Then that's what I was getting at. I was I I've been on TikTok and uh reels and watching you called Mr.
SPEAKER_06Talk?
SPEAKER_03Uh I am talking. I've been on uh YouTube and shit, like trying to brush up, and then I go pick up my shit yesterday. He's got this whole box. I'm like, I never really did behind a play. He goes, Oh, you'll be fine. I'm like, alright. You didn't get your certificate, bro.
SPEAKER_06How are you just cruising into this shit?
SPEAKER_03I don't know. Exactly. I don't know. I you know what now they want me to do tournaments already? I'm coming, I'm coming to your first Thursday. I was gonna say, dude, you gotta come out there because me and Vinny. Come on, Blow! Dude, me and Vinny, dude, come and razz me the whole time. Let me kick you out. Oh fucking rat, dude.
SPEAKER_06Dude, but I should come with a can of schlitz or something.
SPEAKER_05Come on, Blue. Let's get it together. Which one's your kid? I don't have a kid, you just shit on fire.
SPEAKER_03I wanna I want to kick you out or something, that'd be fun. But yeah, next Thursday, who's that?
SPEAKER_06It used to be my the that's my neighbor's kid's old truck, or that's his truck.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I saw you flipping.
SPEAKER_06I hope he saw it, little fucker.
SPEAKER_03But next Thursday, me and Vinny out there, you gotta come out, dude.
SPEAKER_06Are you gonna be like the the blue that's like no? That was down. No, I was away. No, I was hot. You're gonna be like that. It's inside because I I used to, you know, like you'd be you take a pitch, or like as a catcher, you know, I was catching, and he that's down, that's down below down low, and I'd be like, all right, blue.
SPEAKER_03I'll let them know. And I'm looking into a GoPro. Oh, yeah. That'd be fun. I think you should do that for sure. I think it'd be fun.
SPEAKER_06So you know what I would do to you if I was a catcher?
SPEAKER_03What?
SPEAKER_06Tell a pitcher just throw gas, I'm gonna miss it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you would. I'll fucking kick you out. There's no gas, so that's the thing. These kids throw like 40. I'll just catch with my hand. That's why I'm like, keep me in minor. Like, I don't want to.
SPEAKER_06But you've seen those because I did that to an umpire when I was in high school.
SPEAKER_03People loved me.
SPEAKER_06Just throw gas, dude. I'm gonna fucking miss it.
SPEAKER_03When I umpired, people were like, man, you're vocal, you can hear you. I'll let you tune one.
SPEAKER_06You were vocal?
SPEAKER_03I am out there because I hate not hearing it.
SPEAKER_06Vocal all the time.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, well, vocal.
SPEAKER_06Okay. Can we just kill this?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we should, huh?
SPEAKER_06I don't know. So hey. I don't want to talk and I want to talk to you about your nose hair. Remember that one? That's the same one. Oh, dude, I got it. Remember? Remember? Oh, look at that. That was the one that we talked about.
SPEAKER_03Look at him.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I've been staring at it. It's it's you can tell me. It's like it's like the bouncing ball met or a metronome.
SPEAKER_03When I breathe.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I can see it. I've just been staring at it.
SPEAKER_03So go go watch uh me.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03On Thursday? On Thursday, if you can. Five o'clock game. Yeah. Dude, I'm no, I'm gonna be better than that. Hey, hey! I might pull Enrico Palonzo, dude. Do the fucking smooth? Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Fucking oh dude, no umpire goes strike.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_06And no umpire no no umpire says strike three. It's always hey he's gonna be.
SPEAKER_03You know what I mean? I'm perfect because I'm Asian. Hey, hey. No? Okay. No, that one's not good. That's not good.
SPEAKER_05Or go, dude, go! Do a kiad.
SPEAKER_03See, now that's that's kind of what I'm dude. I've been practicing. Or turn to the side. I just got my pants.
SPEAKER_06Instead of doing doing your doing the fist, turn to your side and then do a crane kick.
SPEAKER_03I will I will do that if you come. I promise you.
SPEAKER_06Every every how many strikeouts are there though?
SPEAKER_03Three a game.
SPEAKER_06Okay. In this league, but the the last strikeout of the game, that should be.
SPEAKER_03I'll fucking do a whole thing. Yeah. Do like a little fucking break nice move. Just get the hell out of here. Yes, please. Jeff, good hanging.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Nice nose hair. Hey, thanks. No problem. It's gone now, right? Where are the humans race? Uh, keep up the downloads. Yeah. What what was that place that was uh downloading? Oh uh Sing the port. Singapore. Come on, say it right, Jeff. Okay, the human race. Way to go, Singapore! Keep it up. We'll see you next round.