The Humanz Race Show
Here you’ll find episodes jam-packed with profanity-laced punchlines, irreverent impressions, and hilarious shenanigans that'll make you question your own sense of humor. Come join us as we dive headfirst into the realms of hilarity and push the boundaries of good taste as we share personal stories, discuss absurdities, and have a damn good time.
The Humanz Race Show
S6 Ep.#22- Thick Skin
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The Crew Talks About Derek's Vegas Trip, Small Socks, Adult Coloring Books, Michael Jackson Movie, Golf Team, And Other Nonsense.
Welcome to Humans Race Show. Got to be stopped. I thought I'd better I better not do real Michael Jackson.
SPEAKER_04Is this an honor for the movie?
SPEAKER_03That's what I'm thinking.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I do my uncle and my aunt went and saw it with their uh another uncle's niece and nephew or child children, so their niece and nephew. And I said, my uncle got so into the movie during the thing he started touching my nephew.
SPEAKER_01That's the way you work on that coming out. Yeah, because he knew you were gonna start off with something.
SPEAKER_03Dude. Well, welcome to the show. I'm Derek hanging out with Abraham, Jeff, and we got a special guest in the group.
SPEAKER_01Yay! Actual people. We got real people today. Instead of scumbags. Patrick's Kelly. Uh Patrick's a scumbag. Callie's the bag. I think their mic's a little low. A little low. Just a little low. You gotta lean in to the microphone. Why are you turning up the music?
SPEAKER_03I'm into it. Alright, what do you got? Give me a mic, check.
SPEAKER_01Check, check.
SPEAKER_03Alright.
unknownHello, hello.
SPEAKER_01She's dead. Poor Callie.
unknownOh no. Am I still dead?
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's the one you have to like.
SPEAKER_03There's no one plugged in. So hold on. Oh. You're not even plugged in. Welcome to the show, the shit show. You did tell me not to talk about it. Oh my god. Yeah, I told you to stop. I told you be quiet and natural.
SPEAKER_05Am I on?
SPEAKER_01Professional. In our studio with a door that opens. Had a half hour to get this ready. Yeah. Good job. Dude, I showed up today. The fucker came out in his fucking undies. He's like, I thought you were gonna be here like ten minutes from now. You're up? No. No, he just got home that early.
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah, I guess. He never left. Yeah. I just got back though. Did you?
SPEAKER_04Yeah. From where? Vegas. I know I saw you guys were gone.
SPEAKER_03Went to Vegas for baseball. Baseball, of course. Yeah. We did have a little fun. But it wasn't like it.
SPEAKER_01Like how you try to put the spin on it.
SPEAKER_03Well, was it like dude had to be up at fucking earlier?
SPEAKER_01Oh no. Oh no.
SPEAKER_035 30 every day.
SPEAKER_05Oh, poor baby.
unknownFuck you guys.
SPEAKER_01And then you open up the blinds and you see Caesars, and you're like, oh yeah, I guess I'm not at work today. Oh, darn.
SPEAKER_03We stayed off the strip in a really good part of town. Did you take Dennis? No.
SPEAKER_01You left him here for a week and a half?
SPEAKER_03I wasn't gone a week and a half, but fuck.
SPEAKER_01You were gone a week and a half.
SPEAKER_03I was gone f six days.
SPEAKER_01Week and a half. You came back to work yesterday.
SPEAKER_03Well, yeah, that's not a good one. That's a week and a half. I wasn't gone the whole time. Oh my God. They made me take off that Monday, Tuesday. No, they didn't make you do shit.
SPEAKER_04You're twisting his arm at work.
SPEAKER_03Well, they did. No, they did. Yeah, I had to take the whole week off. I said I wanted that Wednesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday. He goes, No, you could take the whole week plus the Monday, Tuesday.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, you don't you can adjust.
SPEAKER_03I had two days of laying around time, I guess you could say.
SPEAKER_04Did you win any money in Vegas?
SPEAKER_01Laying around time. They didn't make him do shit. He could have adjusted it and he just wanted the two days of laying around time. Exactly. Patrick, Patrick, right here. Remind me.
SPEAKER_00I did win some money in the city. Totally. Okay. What were you playing? Roulette and slots.
SPEAKER_03I found a slot that I like. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, I find plenty of slots in Las Vegas.
SPEAKER_01Oh, Beavis and Brighthead slots.
SPEAKER_03I can't wait for all the slots.
SPEAKER_01Yo, Butthead, they got plenty of slots in Las Vegas.
SPEAKER_03I lost 300 over five days.
SPEAKER_04Okay. So you were like up at one point and then went back to the case.
SPEAKER_03No, I was down at one point. I got even. And then I was like, fuck it, man. You know? You can't. House money, dog. Let's play. Take off from your card sales. That's what it was. That's what it was. I'm like, you know, this is my extra money.
SPEAKER_01It's my free money.
SPEAKER_03Fucking free money? Well, I mean, free. I had to buy this. I lost 300 bucks. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Can we get your kids on DraftKings yet? Can we gamble on their games yet?
SPEAKER_04What's that other one that that's a good thing? No, that's great, though. Kelchi?
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_04What's the other one? No, it's like Kelchi. It's the one where you can bet on like any.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, yeah. Like McDonald's if they're gonna raise their fucking prices this week.
SPEAKER_01I'm telling you, dude, we gotta get like fucking we gotta get uh travel ball teams on DraftKings too.
SPEAKER_03That would be cool. We just have to do old school, like be bookies. Oh, okay. Just show up with a little pocket puck. I got the rebels in three, you know. Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_04Shooting the kids up with steroids, you're like, Yeah. We're gonna juice up Vincent, dude.
SPEAKER_03It was a fun trip. We the first night we got New York, New York. I'm out there making TikToks at midnight because dude, I'm gonna fucking be viral, man. I'm gonna fucking make these TikToks.
SPEAKER_04Did you leave Vinny in the room or you took him with him?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I left him in the room. Well, they were sleeping.
SPEAKER_01That's oh shit. This is I was just gonna say this. He's wasted. They're asleep. Gotcha. And he's out there going New York, New Yeah, doing that shit. Yeah. Yeah, that was you.
SPEAKER_03So you must have seen it. No, I just know you. No, I was down there. There was a piano bar going.
SPEAKER_01Sing us a song.
SPEAKER_03That was Buzz. Okay, so it's it's uh 1150. Buzz. So I grabbed the 59. My TikTok said it's 1155. I'm one eye in it. I just got a slab of pizza and a beer for 12 bucks. Not bad. But in the background, they're fucking We're halfway there. And then 10 minutes later they played it again. I went up for a nap because I go, how long how often do you hear this song? They go, It's about every 20 minutes. I don't know. I'd shoot myself, dude.
SPEAKER_01It's it's their it's their go-to. The good song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did the tip because you know, you know why they're timing out drunks walking by. Yeah. So you just happen to be that guy that lingered longer.
SPEAKER_02So yeah. They played that song once, but you thought they played it.
SPEAKER_03Oh no, no, no. No, no, no. That and uh could have been that's good. No, they did they they played the shooter. It was fun. So I thought I'm gonna make this TikToks, and then every food I get, I'm gonna just save my draft and didn't do one big long post. Yeah. You forget about it. Once you get food, oh fuck, I forgot to do a video.
SPEAKER_00I forgot to record my food. No.
SPEAKER_01You know, I forgot. I and this isn't a jab against you, it's just that when you're a fat fuck and you're like, yeah, food, and then you're like, oh shit, I forgot to make a normal food. I was trying to do cool food. Honestly, I thought you were gonna get a new food and then go back by, yeah, I got dumplings. Live in on and then and then you go get pizza. Just go back every like every time you get food, and you're like, they're playing it again. That's what I would have done. Well, same thing. Hey, I got fried Oreos.
SPEAKER_03What the second day we went, did this thing called play inside of Xcaliber. Okay. And it's adult playground. After seven, it's adults only.
SPEAKER_01But he wasn't on vacation.
SPEAKER_03Well, then I told you I had two days of fun.
SPEAKER_01No, you said he had two days of relaxation here.
SPEAKER_03It and two days of fun. Okay. All right. Whatever. I was off for 11 days. Uh-huh. So it's really cool, man. They got like these fucking pendulums that are swinging, like poker chips, and you gotta walk this like bar, knocks you off.
SPEAKER_01He's half in the bag. No, but you know what's funny is he probably ping-ponged off just perfectly. I got the highest score of the day. Yeah, but he's fucking wasted because he was like like doing fucking drunken fucking fighting. Doesn't feel it. It was really cool.
SPEAKER_03They didn't feel like remember the game Bop It? Yeah. So it was like pull it. It was like the size of this garage, and you had like a blaster, you know, I thought you were gonna say you were playing in the men's restaurant. You had a bop, you had a tire, you had to kick. You you know, so it would be like you switch it, and you had to flip a light switch thing, and then run over to kick it, stop it. And I'm like, I get it, okay, let's play. Fun. I'm running all over fucking sweating, just like an idiot out there. Sounds like a hassle, bro. Third place of the day, though. It goes through the whole place.
SPEAKER_01So you made the podium because you didn't get first. All right. Yeah. Bronze is a medal. It was really fun, actually. Did you get a bronzer before you went to Vegas?
SPEAKER_03I shook my champagne every day, too. I thought of you afterwards.
SPEAKER_01Do do do Patrick and Callie know what this is? Oh, yeah, they know. Okay.
SPEAKER_03He's getting paid to jerk off. I found this viral.
SPEAKER_01Anytime Derek goes on vacation, he makes sure he jerks off because he's getting paid to jerk off. Yeah, that's what it was like. Shaking his own champagne. Cheers. Welcome, welcome aboard, Callie. Yeah, I lost 300 bucks. Yeah. I shook my champagne every day.
SPEAKER_03I found this cool viral place. It was called the 80s cafe. And it was bitching. Just old 80s should be a big thing. I walk in with the fucking complaining by Jimmy. That's it.
SPEAKER_01Callback.
SPEAKER_03But it was really cool. They had a bar attached to it. Food was good.
SPEAKER_01I had it in Vegas, they had a bar attached to it? That's weird.
SPEAKER_03No way. Well, it was hard to strip to use. But you walk in and they got the Ghostbusters car there. You know, oh cool.
SPEAKER_01Ecto 1.
SPEAKER_03I couldn't remember the name of it. I'm like, I I even did a video on that going, there's the uh car. Yeah. Who are you gonna call? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04The Ghost Blasters. Whatever they're gonna these guys.
SPEAKER_01Phantom Blasters.
SPEAKER_03Then they got a Marty McFly chicken sandwich. You know, they had they had the John Holmes foot-long hot dog, the John Holmes. Oh and it was fun.
SPEAKER_02You just ate the whole time you were there. Yeah. Well, no, yeah, pretty much. No. Yeah. He drank too. Patrick. You look like you.
SPEAKER_01We need to have Kelly here more often.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, let's Patrick.
SPEAKER_01He called you a fatty. She called you a fatty, she called you a drunk.
SPEAKER_04She called you a drunk. And he called you a chronic masturbator.
SPEAKER_03Great show, man. We'll see you next round.
SPEAKER_04He's like I'm winking in it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. He touched my hand. Hey, so we went to Dick's to eat. Uh-huh. Last resort. Dickhead. Dick's. And they did the hat on me right now. I know. It's coming back on you. Oh, we won't come back on you. Oh, yeah. Payback. Did you do a Wahlburger? No, we didn't get down to Wahlbergers. Okay.
SPEAKER_01But Dick's was cool that Hey, s hello to your motherfucker.
SPEAKER_03We had a really good uh waiter. This guy's ripping you hard. Oh, dude. Sometimes you go and they're not so mean.
SPEAKER_04But this guy was going for it.
SPEAKER_03What are you guys here for? And then he goes. We're sitting at a table with chairs, and oh, we're here for a baseball tournament. He goes, Oh shit. Want me to move you over to the picnic table so you can get used to the bench?
SPEAKER_05This cable's on fire, dude.
SPEAKER_03Fuck yeah, that's how we start. That's how he started. Nice. Then he comes and chucks a handful of napkins and ducks with you. And just he put our hats on. My hat says three inches from being a three inches away from being a mom.
SPEAKER_02That was a great one. More like 50 pounds.
SPEAKER_01Oh hey, mean. That was just mean. That was mean spirited. Anyway. I love you. Three inches away from being a mom is fucking funny. So let me mute them. Okay. Which one's these? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So Vinny's was they called me asphalt because I smell like ass. It's my fault. That was good. Wendy's a will flash for Cole's cash.
SPEAKER_01So you know, I was like, Because you get it for free in the mayor.
SPEAKER_03But that was fun. That one's great. I really like that one. Yeah, he was on it, man. I was cracking jokes, and I'm like, dude, I should work here. He's like, we're not hiring dishwashers. You know, he was really on it, dude. Just nailing me.
SPEAKER_04Just giving you the business.
SPEAKER_03But there, from there on, I didn't eat again for four days. Yeah, right. Yeah, because you were so sad. I was so sad. You know what? Oh, bro.
SPEAKER_01Did you say it was like, you know, it's like being on a podcast with Jeff. Is that what happened? What? The dinner? The place? Oh no, no. Being at Dicks was like being on a podcast with.
SPEAKER_00Was he laughing?
SPEAKER_03No, it's like He's a shy guy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. He does the fucking Wiley Wiggins crushing his nose.
SPEAKER_03And then we uh played ball. The boys they hung in there. Better than we thought.
SPEAKER_01You thought you were gonna get your dicks kicked in?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we lost like eight to five. You know, it was we were there.
SPEAKER_01We could have been three and one, but we were how many, how many like areas were the teams from? Was it like all over the place? Yeah, Utah, California, you knew you were gonna fucking face some hard shit.
SPEAKER_03This fucking first baseman was throwing 82 miles an hour. And well, first baseman. So he was now when he was pitching. When he was pitching, thank you. And he's fucking six foot six foot five. Jeez. Then he's standing next to him.
SPEAKER_01Dude, is this an I'm 12 situation? Like bench warmers, I was gonna say. So is he like 65 years old with a beard?
SPEAKER_04He's got poppies amigo, no.
SPEAKER_01Bang, bang, bang, bang.
SPEAKER_04Questioning him.
SPEAKER_01I mean, hey, so uh, how's your girlfriend? Is she pregnant?
SPEAKER_03Well, I was just like testing him. I'm like, what grade are you in? He's like, Well, we're we're homeschooled, but it'd be eighth grade. Yeah, that's what they do. So kids you can get there's a loophole to play 14U with your grade if you're still in eighth grade. Yeah. So this kid's 15 and a half. He was 20 playing fucking 13 years old. He was so big. Wait, wait, wait. He had like five o'clock shadow, not like like he'd already shaved that day.
SPEAKER_01They held Shane got held back, and his so did his brother on purpose.
SPEAKER_03That's what they do.
SPEAKER_01So they were bigger in in high school football.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_01So that like Shane graduated he high school, he was almost 20. He was 19 and like super three months because he's also a January baby. Oh, yeah. So not only did they hold him back, but he was January. So he was like a full year and a half older than everybody. Yeah. He was trucking people in high school. So yeah, I we're homeschooled. Yeah, you're weird. And go fuck yourself.
SPEAKER_03He said he's going to high school, though.
SPEAKER_01I would give you a swirly if I was your dad in high school.
SPEAKER_03Are you gonna go to high school? The number one prospect in Colorado.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03They're already trying to recruit him for colleges and he's going in as a freshman. Dude's a baller. Yeah. And we're playing them. We got these fucking nerds from Prescott and Prescott Valley.
SPEAKER_01Well, whoa. Uh, when he reaches college, he's going to get derailed because he's gonna find booze and pussy, yeah, and he's gone.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I didn't know I couldn't do that. So we we're gonna be. The Lord saith unto thee.
SPEAKER_03We hung in pretty good, except that team. They beat us 19 to 1. Dude, I'm telling you. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_01Tell me I'm wrong.
SPEAKER_03Oh, no, you're not.
SPEAKER_01All right. Well, you're right. Well, you're right. So, but I'm back. Oh. I'm back. Um, I'm excited.
SPEAKER_03What'd you do last week, Jeff?
SPEAKER_01Oh, is that work?
SPEAKER_03Oh, okay. Good story. Just like picking up your slack. Just like, yeah, yeah. You don't pick up nothing. Guy barely picks his own slack up. Yeah, I've seen them.
SPEAKER_01I pick my slacks up all the time after I take a shit.
SPEAKER_03Trousers.
SPEAKER_01Dude. So stupid and great. I love it.
SPEAKER_03You don't do shit for me, don't you? You don't pick up my slack, I'm sure.
SPEAKER_04I don't care. We went to D MB, bro, and for the first time in my life, I went and didn't play.
SPEAKER_03DMB. David Butcher's.
SPEAKER_04Oh. We went for a birthday party and we we took Jen's parents with, or they drove us.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you mean you went with a bunch of kids and then you didn't play and act like an asshole? Jen's parents. Oh. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Kids? What? So yeah, we sat and ate dinner, and it's only like seven o'clock, and I was like, all right, well, let's go blow 50 bucks on games. And Jen's dad's like, I want to go home. So I was like, fuck. You just went to David Buster's to eat like homos. Yeah, because where the party was at. So it's like, alright, alright.
SPEAKER_03We didn't they had one of Vegas and we're like, hey, want to take the kids? And it's like they got shitty food.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, dude, and beer, their beer sucks. Like it's flat. Oh, I gotta know, I got a modello, like, no options. Like you're not everybody does 805. Everybody's doing that toasty now in town, too. Like, you would have thought they'd have something a little better down in Phoenix, but no, nope.
SPEAKER_01You're not, you don't go to Dave and Buster's for the ambiance, dude. You or the beer, you go for to go gamble.
SPEAKER_04Get a good, you get a good beer wherever you go. I don't go there at all. Yeah, that's true, too. That should be there. I went to like go to Golden Corral.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Golden Corral. That's where you want to go. At four o'clock.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Right when I switch over.
SPEAKER_01Get that early bird.
SPEAKER_03Get the end of lunch and then get that dinner.
SPEAKER_04We're going to Cali this weekend. Yeah. Taking off Saturday. So doing a little mini vacay, uh, doing Mother's Day because Mexican mothers do it earlier than like he knows what's up. All the Mexicans do Mother's Day like the week. You're asking me. I don't know. Fucking Jeff knows, I guess. Remember, you're three inches away from me to mama.
SPEAKER_03Hey, I should get something.
SPEAKER_01Why'd you why do you even tell him? He's gonna skip me.
SPEAKER_03I'll buy you some flowers. It was nice uh having you guys.
SPEAKER_00So what time are you leaving? He's like, you like lilies?
SPEAKER_04We want to go to San Diego. We're gonna go to Pizzaport.
SPEAKER_03Oh, nice.
SPEAKER_04That's what I want to do. I want to go so bad.
SPEAKER_03I love San Diego. Yeah, dude. So maybe someday, man, if I get another vacation.
SPEAKER_02You mean in three weeks? Yeah. Well, Ape is catching up on you. He's going on vacation now. Oh, he's done.
SPEAKER_01Dude, this guy's this guy's just as bad as he is now. I run my own business, so I thought I run my own business too, but my boss isn't ass.
SPEAKER_05So is mine.
SPEAKER_02I don't get no days off.
SPEAKER_01The problem is if he goes on vacation, you gotta work. And if you go on vacation, he's gotta work, see?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, well, so yeah. Yeah. If you hire somebody, I'm working on it. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming in two months.
SPEAKER_01Employees suck dick, dude.
SPEAKER_03I know, but if you want to go on vacation, yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know what? I'd rather just I that's what I used to do. I'd just be like, everybody's off. I don't give a fuck. I I don't care, and just go.
SPEAKER_04You leave you left Dennis at Wags?
SPEAKER_01No, with Kate.
SPEAKER_04Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01Oh, some feelings were about to come out right there. I heard it.
SPEAKER_04I want to watch him again.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_04Oh, do you? Well, because we want somebody to play with look, we're we're toying with the idea of a second dog. Oh shit. Because Jen's like, don't call me, man. He loves to play. And I know he'd love to play my with our new dogs.
SPEAKER_03He's good. He's good with dogs. They'd love it, dude.
SPEAKER_04So I'm like, next time let me know. Okay. Dennis. If you want somebody responsible to watch this, Dennis likes peanut butter too.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03I noticed there was one pouch of food missing. I'm like, did you feed him all week? You know.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_03No, we don't take care of him. I thought you were gonna say like what Kate ate it? Yeah. So I was like, wait.
SPEAKER_02Hey, she gotta eat for two. She's a pain in the ass.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, pregnancy cravings are weird, dude. But she's she might have looked at it and went pickles and dog food. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Chicken liver? She got a nice cake. We left Wednesday. By Friday, she's calling. What are you guys doing? I don't feel yeah, great time. Oh, let me see the tour of the room and FaceTime me. Dude, I'm like, quit calling. You know, like and then Wendy's in the back. Oh, make her cry.
SPEAKER_01Why didn't you take her with you?
SPEAKER_03Because she's got a watch dog.
SPEAKER_01Abe could watch the dog.
SPEAKER_03She had to work and she don't have no money. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_04I know the answers to these. I'm just asking them. And then you should have had her go and then order your drinks for you with me. Let me get a box of soda.
SPEAKER_01Make it a double. Can you just get a soda? Alright. There you go. Extra limes for her. Cool.
SPEAKER_03And she's doing good. She's she's at work now.
SPEAKER_01Where's she working?
SPEAKER_03Target. Oh still there?
SPEAKER_01It's Target. Yeah, it's fancy.
SPEAKER_03You can't call it that.
SPEAKER_04I'd rather go there than Walmart, bro. Let me tell you. Rather go there than Walmart.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Any day. I'll pay two bucks more for a shampoo.
SPEAKER_03Cleaner.
SPEAKER_04It's just a better ambient.
SPEAKER_03Well, yeah. Come on.
SPEAKER_01You know what sucks about Target is they fucking shut down the little popcorn fucking hot dog.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, I fucking hate it. I worked that snack bar. Remember Kmart? There's no snack bar you had never worked.
SPEAKER_03Is this gonna be an ongoing thing or just get it all out right now?
SPEAKER_02We'll switch to Jeff in a minute.
SPEAKER_03This isn't a roast show. Oh, it's not a show. I got that.
SPEAKER_04That's for your birthday. Maybe we should plan a roast for your birthday.
SPEAKER_03Fuck you.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah. No, we'll do assholes. We'll do it all right. I'm down. No complain they wait. Is that el jefe?
SPEAKER_03So what the fuck did you do last week?
SPEAKER_01El pequeño poquito. Ah, work.
SPEAKER_03Mr. Skinny over here.
SPEAKER_01Skinny. Oh, Mr. Glasses and people in glasses houses shouldn't throw stones.
SPEAKER_03You're about three cheeseburgers away from looking like me, pal.
SPEAKER_01That's a lot of cheeseburgers, though.
SPEAKER_03I mean 30 cheeseburgers. 30. You do anything fun lately?
SPEAKER_02No, I'm working. There's no fucking fun.
SPEAKER_01That's what everybody says on this fucking. What are you doing? Yeah. Oregon. Oregon.
SPEAKER_03I work too, fucker.
SPEAKER_02You're done at one.
SPEAKER_05And you go on vacation more than half. Yeah. Like you work sometimes.
SPEAKER_04No, you don't, Derek. You're a hard worker, bro. You are. Yeah. You deliver that steam burger. Working that burger.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Go ahead. Hard worker, bro. Hard worker.
SPEAKER_01I didn't put him up to eat. Why are you looking at me like I did something? Stop looking at me like I did something. Jeff told me to do it.
unknownNo, he didn't.
SPEAKER_01He called me and said, please. Bro. Yeah, I'm sorry. Actually, I didn't know you were going to be here today. He goes, hey, we got special guests coming. And I go, Oh, yeah, who? And he goes, Yeah, Patrick and Kelly. Oh, okay, cool. And I left. This is it.
SPEAKER_02Why are you still here?
SPEAKER_01You you invited him to pick on you.
SPEAKER_03Hey, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes a mistake here and there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, every now and again.
SPEAKER_03So go ahead. I ain't fucking talking. I ain't saying.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's that's his like nephew, right? Playing him? Yeah, that's Jermaine's son. Jermaine's son.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And do they fuck with his nose? No. That that's just how Jerma Jermaine had a fucked up nose too. Well, Jermaine, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And you know um Janet wouldn't have nothing to do with the movie.
SPEAKER_01Oh no?
SPEAKER_03Because she hates Jermaine.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_03He's just trying to cash in on the bottom.
SPEAKER_01What about Tito? Where's Tito in the house?
SPEAKER_03Tito, is he dead? I don't know. And how far back? You haven't seen it? I haven't seen it. I was thinking about going to seeing it though.
SPEAKER_04Like I wanna, I'm curious.
SPEAKER_03You wanna know they don't go too much. They only go up to the bad album, too. Oh really? Because I've watched reviews and people are like, there's a much other shit after bad. They don't want to get into that with all the bad stuff. Other stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. All the kid touchers. But also, he never and make another $40 or whatever the fuck you know movies are worth these these days. They ain't worth shit.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, nothing's worth watching like going to the movies anymore, dude. No. We watch shit at home. It's easier. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03To just wait two weeks.
SPEAKER_04It's yeah, it's it's it's less awkward when I take my pants off at home than at the mic.
SPEAKER_01I mean after my go, I know they're like, uh sir, would you like a napkin? Yeah, as soon as they gotta be starting, something comes on, you're like, ah it's my cue. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I fold them nice, put it and put them next to them.
SPEAKER_01Hold on your pants and bend over the seat.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, dude, it just sucks to go to the movies anymore. It's you watch everything at home. It's just easy.
SPEAKER_01I like I like when they say only available in theaters.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like I said, for two weeks and you can rent it for 20 bucks at home.
SPEAKER_04That's what I'm gonna do.
SPEAKER_03And like if you have a family of four, it's cheaper, but I still look there and go, 20 bucks.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no shit. There are certain movies you need to go to the theater to see. Like there's certain ones I'm like, fuck, I gotta go see it in there. But I still don't.
SPEAKER_03But I'm like, fuck, I won't really I like Guardians and Star Trek. I was gonna say like the Marvel, the Marvel shit.
SPEAKER_04I always have to go to the theater because it's just but a regular movie, fuck that.
SPEAKER_03I just looked at my notes, I forgot about this part. So I show up in Vegas and I'm I I bought all these brand new socks at Dick's. I like the Dick's socks. You like the Dick's socks socks, huh? Dick socks. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And he's a red hat chili pepper, dude. Yeah, I mean whatever. So he's over there playing the bass, you know?
SPEAKER_03I unpack them, throw them into my bag, and put one on your cock. I go to put one on, dude, it's like half my foot. Oh no. You didn't notice that it was just like fucking size five child's. I hate that shit. So I'm fucked now because that's because I brought and you opened them. Oh, I opened them for yet. But okay, but you're in Vegas.
SPEAKER_01You're in Vegas.
SPEAKER_03So I got one pair of socks from yesterday.
SPEAKER_01No, you can go to Walmart.
SPEAKER_03No, we're playing fucking game. I gotta be there in 15 minutes. Okay. 17 minute drive. Wendy! So you put the previous day's socks on. So I put the old socks on. I get off the game. I'm like, fuck, I got the shoes off, man. Reeking? Fucking so bad, dude. Reeking. It was so bad. So I generically took all my boots and my shit in a separate hamper. So I I take the shoes off and I kind of stash them underneath the car in the front. I'm like, I gotta get rid of these fucking things. And I borrow a pair of Wendy socks.
SPEAKER_01So You don't borrow. No, no, no, but you didn't give them back because she's gonna put them on next time and then you're gonna be all No.
SPEAKER_03She's Bigfoot.
SPEAKER_01Like, you're gonna it's like putting a magnum condom on after that. You're like, all right, this there's too much room in here.
SPEAKER_03They're going back away. So I go out the next morning, I'm like, oh man, I let my I sprayed them out. I had some spray, let them air out. And they're fucking gone, dude. Fucking homeless guy stole my shoes. No. I'm serious. Yeah, they probably smelled better than his. That's what Wendy goes. You know, the guy probably stinks anyway.
SPEAKER_01And he's like, I was gonna say, that poor guy sniffed him and was like, smells better than me. Put them on.
SPEAKER_04I thought somebody left like a 20 in there for you. And Vinny said, Hey, spray these down.
SPEAKER_03And I'm like, no one's gonna steal my shoes. They're between the curb and underneath the front of the car. And no one's gonna steal my shoes. Yeah, sure. Shit, man.
SPEAKER_04You're in.
SPEAKER_03Alright. Do you live in the shoes?
SPEAKER_04What kind of shoes? What kind of shoes?
SPEAKER_03They're my golf shoes.
SPEAKER_04Oh shit.
SPEAKER_03Well, they have like what are you doing, dude?
SPEAKER_04There's a guy walking around with tattered clothes and nice golf shoes.
SPEAKER_01And for some reason, he can't get any traction when he tries to run.
SPEAKER_03Oh, they were like. They had the knobs, so they were like turf shoes, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but still though, you can't get any traction on concrete. That dude's like starting to fight, and he's like, I'm out of here.
SPEAKER_03But he's like, What are you doing?
SPEAKER_01I'm like fucking Hanna Barbaristy.
SPEAKER_03I'm like, fucking shoes are gone. I told you.
SPEAKER_01Your dumbass kid had better common sense than you.
SPEAKER_03Well, see? I didn't want to stink up the room or nothing, so you did. Yeah, just by me being in there, right?
SPEAKER_04He's finishing the jokes room. I know.
SPEAKER_05He's trying to get ahead of it.
SPEAKER_03I gotta take a break. Be right back. Two minutes here out. Welcome back to Human Trace Show.
SPEAKER_04Got it. That's like a cholo anthem, dude.
SPEAKER_03I saw a commercial. That's my jam homes. I thought it was a fake commercial, but it's real. It's called Lowrider Attorneys. Have you seen this shit? I don't have direct TV. It's got that fucking original guy, you know.
SPEAKER_01Danny Trejo or something.
SPEAKER_03You ever got your car crashed in? And he's like, I got my car crashed in big times. No, I've never seen it. Slowrider attorneys? Slowrider. Lawyers. Lawyers. Look at their fucking commercial, dude. Find it on YouTube with the commercial. I'm looking for it. I got my shit pushed in. That was what he's like, I got my car pushed in card fucking ridiculous. And it's the original dude that was in the movie.
SPEAKER_04Hey, Wero. Yeah, that's me, bro. I think those vatos blamed you for a fool.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's a dude is Cardos from fucking Mexico.
SPEAKER_04Hector from every Hector from every fucking Mexican movie.
SPEAKER_01No.
unknownCome on, man.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god. They're called Training Day.
SPEAKER_01Training Night.
SPEAKER_04You know those insurance companies, man. They could be ruthless vatels, eh?
SPEAKER_01Take that. No, no, no. This is the actual commercial. What's up with this dude?
SPEAKER_04Charlie in the chocolate factory. Deep right. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Got my shit pushed in.
SPEAKER_04Hey, bro.
SPEAKER_03Listen.
SPEAKER_04You ever been in an accident?
SPEAKER_01Why are they talking to one white guy?
SPEAKER_04I got hit by a truck once, man. Smashed me up real good. Oh yeah, bro. I got you know who that is? It's supposed to be making fun of the other dude. No, but that's fucking um Crucito.
SPEAKER_01Relax, homeboy. Low rider lawyers, man. Hit them up, dog. Yeah, man.
unknownThat play.
SPEAKER_01That's the dude that was doing heroin on Crucito. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I forget his name. That's a real commercial. That's a fucking commercial. Yeah, I was so stoked. I'm like, I gotta show these guys this training night. We were supposed to have homework.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, the commercials.
SPEAKER_03Commercials for the next round.
SPEAKER_01I got Naomi to get in on it too. Okay. So she was she started rattling. I don't have them because she started rattling off some. I was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, that was a good one. So I I'd either have to call her or we push off. Yeah, we push it till the night. Okay. All right.
SPEAKER_04Gotta find the one. Okay, so speaking of cholos. My wife does this thing where she's trying to supplement.
SPEAKER_01She tries to get him to fuck him. Yeah. Fuck her. And she pretends to be a cholo. She makes you talk cholo.
SPEAKER_04No, no, no.
SPEAKER_01No, no, she pretends to be a cholo. So Jen.
SPEAKER_04Jen has published um coloring books and she sells them on Amazon. And it's like something you can do, and and and and like you she used AI to do it all, and like you just put them in the colour. It's the vario color. And then you get like a little percentage of them, which is something she does on her spare time, right? So I started telling her you should do a coloring book of baby cholos. And she's like, shut the hell up. I go, dude, the I go, the raza would love it, dude. They would sell. She's like, no, no. So she took my ideas seriously and she started putting together coloring books of baby cholos. So it's like it's like a little cholito and a little chola kid buying elotes from the lote band. Like, totally. You gotta get cholos selling drugs on the cloud. Oh, I'm trying to find one of the sandwiches.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Okay, the only thing she has going for her on this, selling it, is the fact that her last name is Verdusco. Because if somebody was trying to sell it as fucking Jessica Smith, they'd be like, hey, why? Why is this bitch trying to do it?
SPEAKER_04She did it all as a suit uh under a pseudonym.
SPEAKER_01But it's it's Adriana Lopez. Right? Oh my god. It's not it's not Stephanie McMillan.
SPEAKER_05So let me get this right.
SPEAKER_03You can buy a coloring book. Make coloring books and sell them? Yes. Why aren't we doing that? I don't know. I've that's something where my alley's a big coloring book.
SPEAKER_01Me and you trying to make an H.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so uh a lot of people, a lot of people do that.
SPEAKER_04If they if they sell a lot, you don't make too much money because Amazon owns the rights to them, and like the publishing companies, they all get their bits, so you get a small fraction of them.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_04But like Jen does it in response.
SPEAKER_03Do we have to design the picture?
SPEAKER_04I bet she uses.
SPEAKER_03So it's all AI, right?
SPEAKER_04You just say like fucking make a coloring book image of a dinosaur holding an A, and it's a dinosaur holding the A, and she did all A B C D F G, and she did that, and then she put it all together in this uh with Canva.
SPEAKER_03I mean, with the cholo ones funnier.
SPEAKER_01Oh, dude, I they're gonna say on his lady's dream right now. Like an ABC.
SPEAKER_04We all have to be a big thing.
SPEAKER_01We all see we all sing the elf bat, whatever clear fucking no more.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, the baby cholo one. I thought you gotta do something with them in Loretta bikes. Yeah, like why would you have a dinosaur holding A?
SPEAKER_03It should be like an alligator. A alligator. Or an alley or an ally of swords fuckhead or or have Patrick holding it.
SPEAKER_01He he can't hold anything. His hands are so fucking bent up from the fucking the chemical he sprays all day.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, you see? Oh, that is cool.
SPEAKER_02I like it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03But it's it's oh that's pretty intricate. That's adult.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, that's cool. Yeah, like see all the yeah, those are adult coloring books. Naomi does this. Oh, dude, fuck.
SPEAKER_02You'll like this. Excuse me. That's those are cool.
SPEAKER_01Alright, I'm gonna have to buy I'm gonna have to buy Naomi one for for Mother's Day.
SPEAKER_03Do you you don't have to print them? You just send the idea and they print them all for you.
SPEAKER_04You have to package it as a thing, and that's why I said she uses Canva. It's a thing that helps her like publish it out like a book. She has to do the title, everything. Why does Abe know all these things that we don't know? Because we run our own business, and my wife supplements her money any way she can.
SPEAKER_03Because he does different things besides work and haircuts. Yeah. What do you do?
SPEAKER_02Sitting in the garage, getting drunk.
SPEAKER_01Play golf. I'm back into golf, by the way.
SPEAKER_03I'd like to do that.
SPEAKER_04Vinny join the golf team, but I'll go golfing with you guys, even if it's just a drink. I I have a uh golf bag. It's like a legend of Bagger Vance.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, they're old boys.
SPEAKER_01He has a pitching nibblick.
SPEAKER_04He's got bamboo shafts. They're so old, bro. They're like endorsed by Dan Marino.
SPEAKER_01No, they're not even. It says some Negro.
SPEAKER_03That was acceptable back then.
SPEAKER_01Hey, he couldn't play at the Masters, but he caddied like a motherfucker. But he called the Masters. Yeah, he caddied like he caddied like a master.
SPEAKER_04He's like, We're gonna start owning the Masters.
SPEAKER_01It's the masses. All right. Fucking turn this off.
SPEAKER_03So Benny actually is said he wants to join the high school golf team. That's fucking cool, but I think he should have started before high school. Well, you know, like I don't know.
SPEAKER_04You need to start when he was like three, bro.
SPEAKER_03Tiger Woods blew a golf club to his hand.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then beat him. Make him sleep in the fireplace if he didn't hit a hole in one.
SPEAKER_03But he's into it. I said, fuck it, go try, dude. I mean, if nothing else, you get some fucking cheap golf. Dude. They give those kids five dollars golf. Yeah. If you flip to the heights.
SPEAKER_01But then you gotta buy him clubs.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, fuck that.
SPEAKER_01Make him use rental clubs. You're like, these are lefties, Dad. Yeah, fucking figure it out, queer. Switch hitter.
SPEAKER_03I I got a set for him.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're old. I was gonna say he could use your set. Yeah, he's I mean, you couldn't use your set, but I can I still whoop your ass.
SPEAKER_03Let's go. I'll still whoop your ass. Let's go. Let's go.
SPEAKER_01When was the last time you whooped my ass in golf? Oh I don't know.
SPEAKER_02He can't golf now. I could golf.
SPEAKER_01Never can golf. Derek could play golf. And my favorite story about Derek playing golf is when he played Chris Roberts. Dude, Chris was so pissed because Derek plays this big old banana slice, right? Derek's aiming at the houses, okay? Like, pew, and lands in the middle of the fairway every time. And Chris Roberts was like, I'm down the middle, no, no, no, and then he'd hit it in the shit. Every time. And he goes, I was happy. Derek, Derek was like.
SPEAKER_03I was making 40 foot putt. I mean, I was just it was one of those days.
SPEAKER_01But Chris, Chris is the guy that in the middle of the fairway. Derek's playing his game. And his game is like bananas over the fucking trees and shit.
SPEAKER_03And I don't swing properly because I don't see the whole thing.
SPEAKER_01I call it the cur I call it the Kirby Puckett. He has a Kirby Puckett swing. Like Wally called me Pete Rose. Pete the PD. So his front foot's coming out. Like his front foot's like way off the ground, and he's just fucking dipping into it. Anyway, this dude got so mad it was like 17. And he's like, dude, doesn't he fucking swing like? He's so mad.
SPEAKER_03I shot under par that day, too. At the wood? Yeah. Yeah. My best round of and I cut my finger the night before. We were barbecue until late in the evening.
SPEAKER_01Oh, weird.
SPEAKER_03And I was cutting something and fucking sliced my right rope.
SPEAKER_01You know what? Maybe that was the trick.
SPEAKER_03I played the whole round like that.
SPEAKER_01Maybe that was.
SPEAKER_03Never worked again. No. So anything good to say? No, I I got cut off. No, you're not cut off. You got something good to say. Give me another jab. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_04Nope. Nope. No, no. You said you gotta get another story. It starts with you eating a barbecue.
SPEAKER_03Trust me, I got thick skin. Now you do.
SPEAKER_01You developed a callus.
SPEAKER_03I rip on myself. No, I think good. Give a promotion for your company.
SPEAKER_02Quite the boss.
SPEAKER_01Oh, she just he just put her on the spot.
SPEAKER_02Come on, you can do it.
SPEAKER_01Callie coming on the spot. Valhalla. Weed and pest control. No. Pest and weed control.
SPEAKER_05No, pest control. Pest control.
SPEAKER_01Because he does weeds too. He doesn't do weed. He's not allowed.
SPEAKER_03You fucking made him do weed.
SPEAKER_01He's like, I don't want to do weed. He wants to do weeds.
SPEAKER_03We don't want to do weeds.
SPEAKER_01No. We don't have time. It's more money than that. To guys that don't pay you for six months. I get suckered in the landscaping all the time. I asked Patrick to do weeds for me and I didn't pay him for six months. So I'm a piece of shit. I'm calling myself out on that one.
SPEAKER_03I don't think that's the reason.
SPEAKER_01I think that's the main reason.
SPEAKER_03Go check out Valhalla exterminating them. Presca Valley area, Tri-City areas. Give Patrick and Callie a call. They'll come. Fuck them both.
SPEAKER_02We'll take care of you.
SPEAKER_03Yep. Got a phone number for your business?
SPEAKER_02928-899-8114. Call myself.
SPEAKER_03Yep, call them. Call him and fuck with them. Tell them the human race at you.
SPEAKER_02Don't fuck the boss.
SPEAKER_03You call him. Derek will pay for it. You order up first month is on us. We did that before.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, we'll do that. Nobody called.
SPEAKER_03Nobody called.
SPEAKER_01Actually, first call up and rip on Derek and first month.
SPEAKER_03He'll give you a second month for you. Two fucking free months, guys. Fracking.
SPEAKER_02I'll throw the third one in if you make it. I was gonna say frickin'.
SPEAKER_03Stop cussing.
SPEAKER_02Fuck that.
SPEAKER_01That's fucking gay.
SPEAKER_03The last episode.
SPEAKER_01That's fucking retarded.
SPEAKER_03Maybe the two two episodes ago. No, no, it was the last one. We started right off with motherfucker. And all of this, yeah. That's not the way to go.
SPEAKER_01It's not. That's not us. But I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
SPEAKER_02I still want to hear your boyfriend voice.
SPEAKER_03That's not mine. You said you had one. Oh, I heard you said, Oh, sure, man. But he does a whole conversation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Oh, what boyfriend voice? Yeah. Why did I do it last time? I don't remember.
SPEAKER_01Well, it always gets a little bit higher because I I caught myself doing it for a while, but it's always like, hi, how's everything going? Yeah. Oh yeah. Cool. That's right. Oh, it's my customer service voice. Your fascia needs a little attention. That's great. Okay. Now let me go ahead and put you on the schedule. Yeah. If I we work on this and then we can take care of that. Okay, thank you. And then I went, Ugh.
SPEAKER_03Yep. No, it's more like, oh yes.
SPEAKER_01Tyrone, knock it off. Fucking cameras. No, no, Tyr Tyrone's over there going, shit fuck cot. I know. Cunt, cunt, cunt. I'm like, God damn it, Tyrone. You see Tyrone anymore? Uh yeah, I won't tell no, I don't want to say it now, but yeah.
SPEAKER_03Did you see him?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03He's alive?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Ish, I think. He's living in his car. Wow. Oh over by Maverick. We can cut this out. Tyrone.
SPEAKER_03No. Let's leave it in. Tyrone's a friend. Tyrone, I hope you get uh better days on you, man.
SPEAKER_01Stop drinking, you fucking alcoholic fuck. Cheers.
SPEAKER_03Uh not you. All right, bye. Hey, we're gonna wrap this show up. We'll be back next week and we'll be better. I promise you. Maybe it'll be the same shit.
SPEAKER_05Thanks.
SPEAKER_03Thanks, Patrick. Okay, bye. Nice talking to you, Callie. Thank you. Didn't hear much from you. You told me. I know. I didn't tell I wasn't serious.
SPEAKER_01She had a she had a good zinger, dude. She had it. She's great. Yeah. You know why? Well, so Patrick's. She puts up with his ass. That's why she's great. She could stay for the next one. Yeah, and he's gotta go. Put him in timeout in the car. Yeah. I'm gonna call in.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that'd be good. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Am I on? Am I on? He's all sweating in the car. He's like, can someone crack the window?
SPEAKER_03Guys, thanks for hanging.
SPEAKER_05What the duck?
SPEAKER_03We'll see you next round rooms race.