The Humanz Race Show
Here you’ll find episodes jam-packed with profanity-laced punchlines, irreverent impressions, and hilarious shenanigans that'll make you question your own sense of humor. Come join us as we dive headfirst into the realms of hilarity and push the boundaries of good taste as we share personal stories, discuss absurdities, and have a damn good time.
The Humanz Race Show
S6 Ep.#23- Air Fryed Chicken
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The Crew Talks About Getting Cait A Sugar Daddy, Woman Stabs Boyfriend Over Chicken, Patrick's Story, Accents, Karaoke, Hitting Without A Bat, And Other Nonsense
Welcome to the human trace show. Hanging out with Derek, Jeff. We got Patrick and Callie back. They came back for another one. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02See?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's why I find it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Patrick's candy girl.
SPEAKER_01But also I'm thinking of sugar. Oh, why? Because we need to get Kate the sugar daddy.
SPEAKER_02A-S-A-P. Take her with you golfing, dude. But you know what you need to find? Somebody really dumb that doesn't think that it's not his. Yeah. Yeah, man. I just had a kid. Like, wow. Last week, man. She started showing. Shit ton of money, dumb as fuck. Hey, I just met you and you're pregnant. Yeah. Wow. I I didn't think you get pregnant from Low J.
SPEAKER_01I'm thinking she could pull this off, too. Oh yeah? She's gotta start hanging a pine cone in or something. You know, just pine cone in. Why the pine? Well, the old folks, they got money, they're eating a steak.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you're thinking of an elderly gentleman.
SPEAKER_01An elderly gentleman.
SPEAKER_02Like an anaconda.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They carry you, take care of this kid for you. That's a good idea. Well, I always thought of I'm gonna die in a year. You'll get it all. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Golden Corral.
SPEAKER_02Golden Corral could be. Yeah, that that's the best place. Yeah. Oh, you like the uh crab tartar too? Or whatever. The post office.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you're mailing something? Weird. How weird. Is that a letter?
SPEAKER_01Any doctor's office?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Oh.
SPEAKER_01Just hanging out. Like go around for a fucking week and try different.
SPEAKER_02I always thought of us as creating a gigolo service.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02For romancers of the elderly. Yeah, that would be great. I've told you about this, right? What would have been called? I haven't thought of a good name. Maybe that's for you, but you would be done by 6 30. So you go pick, you go pick them up. For sure. You go pick them up at 3. 6 30. You take them to that Holybird and then you take out their teeth and maybe give them a little smooch or whatever. And change the diabetes. You go to the Rigo Beagle for a drink. Yeah. Oh fucking Jack. Yeah, that's nice. And then and then you're done. That dude.
SPEAKER_01You got the rest of your evening.
SPEAKER_02Fuck. Yeah. And you don't have to be young. You just have to be younger than them. So we're in our 40s and 50s, right? They're in their 70s and 80s. We're young as fuck.
SPEAKER_01We could promote our friendship.
SPEAKER_02No. No. Well, yeah, friendship. Yeah. You know, companion. Pay us a little extra.
SPEAKER_04We might fucking. You can hire the girl that comes and like sleeps with you, like cuddles with you, doesn't do anything. Yeah. Like she's strictly like, we'll not have your thing, but we'll cuddle with you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but nobody wants that. It's like a hand job. You just want to see where it goes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Maybe lick it. All right.
SPEAKER_01How old a lady would you be?
SPEAKER_04Uh I'm into older ladies. For the money, motherfucker? So no, I already said this before. I'm into older ladies.
SPEAKER_01So how old a lady would you be?
SPEAKER_04I mean, dude, Margaret Fairchild was hot till she was in her 60s. Yeah, Margaret Fairchild was back to her 60s. When she was on Friends Holmes.
SPEAKER_0160s is my age. Yes. No, dude. That's nothing. So 60s. I'm talking 80s.
SPEAKER_02It's not your age, asshole.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You're 10 years beyond that.
SPEAKER_04Or past or something like that. Like, I want to wait to see how hotter Sama Hyatt gets when she's like 70, 80.
SPEAKER_03Dude, you slept on her lap, so it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like she's gonna be like just primo, dude.
SPEAKER_02Dude, could you imagine him seeing Selma? And you remember that time I slept on your lap? Wanna do that again? Like, get away from me, you little weird kid. I'm feeling a little peaked. Yeah, I have to. I need to lay down. I need to lay down for a minute. My temperature's elevated. Because I'm around you.
unknownSo yeah.
SPEAKER_0460s. 60s right on my age right now, probably 60s would be.
SPEAKER_0160s? Nah, dude. You go look at some of these old 80s stars and shit. They're like 75. You're like, ah, she'll still get it.
SPEAKER_04Jennifer Lopez is late 50s, and she's like. What are you talking about?
SPEAKER_01She's yeah. She's a freak though.
SPEAKER_02Like I mean, she'd be annoying, but that ain't a normal 60-year-old. They bathe in unicorn blood, dude. They have to.
SPEAKER_01It's baby's blood. Baby's blood.
SPEAKER_02It's baby's blood, bro.
SPEAKER_01Baby foreskin.
SPEAKER_02Adrenochrome. Adrenochrome. Yep. The placenta. They're just like, ah.
SPEAKER_01She puts foreskins on her eyes. Yeah. And I like her no bags.
SPEAKER_02His name was Steven. Sweet baby Steven. Actually, actually, his name is Ron Goldberg.
SPEAKER_04Baby Ron. Did I tell my foreskins joke yet?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_04No. I think he might have. The rabbi that did the free uh circumcisions. Yeah, he would do them all the time, and the only thing he asked for return was for the foreskins. He just kept the foreskins. So after all these years of doing circumcisions, he takes his foreskins to a tailor. And he goes, Can you make me something with all these? And the tailor's like, yeah, come back in a week. I got you. He comes back and he goes, Yeah, I made you this nice wallet. And the rabbi goes, All those foreskins, and all you made me was a wallet. And the guy goes, Yeah, but if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase.
SPEAKER_02I don't even like it. I'm laughing. You've offended our fan. I know. Our one fan. Yeah. The other one sitting next to him. Alright, so I have I have something. Okay, you got a story. This is a story, and I want to show it to a woman. Because this makes perspective? This makes me howl.
SPEAKER_01I don't think a woman's gonna answer. I think the same answer is gonna be across the board.
SPEAKER_02Why not? This is funny. Okay, let's let the dude he knows. Yeah. Let's let Abe read it, and let's let Patrick read it, and then let's show it to you.
SPEAKER_01And then read it too.
SPEAKER_02No, no, no, don't read it out loud. Just let her read it. It makes me giggle. Oh. Well deserved.
SPEAKER_04Well deserved. I mean, I don't I don't even know. I can't even argue the merit of like. Tell me it. Well deserved, bro.
SPEAKER_03Okay, Spatrick's laughing. Yeah, that one is tough.
SPEAKER_01Uncalled for. Wow. It's real. It's not like this is the actual Well, you gotta read it out loud too.
SPEAKER_02Alright, now this is where you read it out loud.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so boyfriend brought chicken to girlfriend's apartment to make an air fryer instead of taking her to dinner. So she stabbed him to death. I mean, I I would think there were other issues with the bigger thing. There's gotta be something that made it.
SPEAKER_02Okay, well the first the first telltale sign is she's Latin.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and she's probably a fucking vegetarian.
SPEAKER_02Maybe she wanted to be a little bit more than a little bit. No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
SPEAKER_01I see that those Latinas though.
SPEAKER_02She she wanted she wanted red lobster and she's getting air fried chicken. That's where this is where I go.
SPEAKER_01Imagine the whole story unfolding, though.
SPEAKER_02Like Nicky, you brought me some chicken.
SPEAKER_01You know, like and then it turned into romantic, babe.
SPEAKER_02Alright, alright. So I I I assume he's thinking he's being all fucking suave and shit. He's like, I'm gonna cook dinner for you. Does Patrick cook?
SPEAKER_06Oh yeah, he does all the cooking. I do not go in the kitchen. Okay.
SPEAKER_02So all right, let's just pause there. Right. He thought he's romantic. Right, but he he didn't even like saute anything or make a bechamel or anything. He fucking he's like, I found this shake and bake fucking chicken like a put in the air fryer.
SPEAKER_04So that's another thing. How what kind of chicken? If you're bringing me, if you're bringing me like a Costco chicken strip pre-marinated like this, I'd be like, okay. No, no, no, no. But if you're bringing me a fries.
SPEAKER_02What the fuck you talking about? A pre-marinated shit? If you're gonna cook for a woman, you can you make your own shit. Well, you're not making it. I would. How bad was like? We're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's ask Kelly. Where does she stand?
SPEAKER_01It's not going in an air fryer, I would say.
SPEAKER_02You have to see that.
SPEAKER_01I put chicken thighs in the air fryer, dude. I would say. It's an oven.
SPEAKER_04An air fryer is an oven. Yeah, but dude, I air fry chicken thighs all the time. They're bombed, dude. A little rice and little veggies on the side. Dude, it's it's bomb.
SPEAKER_02I I'm trying to get I'm trying to get the lady's perspective here. Would you stab Patrick if he I would not?
SPEAKER_06Damn it.
SPEAKER_02I was hoping for the other.
SPEAKER_01Now you gotta think this is.
SPEAKER_06I might step Patrick over something else, but not that.
SPEAKER_01This gotta be a pretty new relationship.
SPEAKER_02You think? Or you think it's just a Latin woman just getting pissed. No, there is something fucking wrong with her.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_06Well, there might be something fucking wrong with him.
SPEAKER_02Oh, see? Maybe men? Men fuck up. Men fuck up. No, no, no. You fuck up a lot. We we assume there's something wrong with the woman. She's already going, there might be something wrong with the dude.
SPEAKER_01That's how chicks think.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_06And that's how men think. It's actually the same.
SPEAKER_02Tell me I'm wrong on this. Let's go. Thank you, Callie. Go. Please. Help us. Help us.
SPEAKER_06I really um okay, she could be batshit crazy. I mean, I don't think that's a little bit we'll stab people over chicken.
SPEAKER_03And she got fucking chicken.
SPEAKER_06What if he had been promising to take her out like for 10,000? And he was like, oh yeah, babe, I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that. And then he was like, oh yeah, tonight's the night. I'm gonna take you out and romance you. And then he shows up with some fucking fried chicken. Like, no.
SPEAKER_02No, I'm about to air fry you. Air fry, not fry you some chicken, like home, home cooking air. I'm gonna put it in the air.
SPEAKER_01He lost his job. He's been hiding.
SPEAKER_02Why are you why are we fucking defending this guy? We're we're we're good. We're victim splaining right now. We want the lady side.
SPEAKER_01I think it's all her fault.
SPEAKER_02I mean, okay, no way. A, she did kill kill a guy.
SPEAKER_01And she is Mexican with purple hair.
SPEAKER_02Like that. She's not Mexican, she's not Mexican. She's Latin.
SPEAKER_06I didn't realize it was fatal. I mean, I I thought maybe it was just a little stabby stab. No, no, I didn't think it was fatal.
SPEAKER_04I'm like, my wife stabs me all the time.
SPEAKER_06It was just a white stabbing. It was fine. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It was like it was like a friendly stab. It was more like a hug. Yeah, like, oh, you probably Fred Chicken.
SPEAKER_06Okay, but she does have the crazy eyes and the crazy eyebrows.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah, the eyebrows settled out.
SPEAKER_04Penciled in, penciled in, is that what we're doing? Oh, dude.
SPEAKER_03They're almost not even there. It's like I think she did the guy a favor. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Maybe.
SPEAKER_03But if you want to date her, just die. That's true, too.
SPEAKER_06Okay, but she also bit him a week prior, just an argument. She bit him.
SPEAKER_02No, it was building up. It was building up to it, though. Alright. Well, don't go too far into the thing. Let's just let's just read the article. No, no, no, no, no, no. I want to read the article and go. I just want to go off of that. So you're okay. So Patrick's like, hey, babe, check it out. Or actually, he's like, we're not going out tonight. Yeah. We're going to put stuff in an oven. We got rotten chicken. Sorry. I apologize. That was wrong. I brought spicy McCickens. Okay. It'll warm up in the second. Oh, let's just say, let's just say second date, right? He's like, babe, we're going to go out and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, here's here's this bag of chicken.
SPEAKER_01Banquet fucking.
SPEAKER_02And and we're going to rip your air fryer, air fryer on 400 for a few hours. I don't want to make you say that.
SPEAKER_0120 minutes.
SPEAKER_02Whatever. I'm just setting the table here. Don't fucking poke holes in my story, dude.
SPEAKER_03Time would make the difference go on. 350 at at three hours. Chicken took too long, he had to die. I'm hungry now. I think she's wrong. Okay. Yeah, I think she should get slapped with chicken till she's dead.
SPEAKER_06Put her in an air fryer.
SPEAKER_04Okay, but that's her capital punishment. They put her to judge. We're not looking at it from all avenues.
SPEAKER_01Well, if we were a jury, we'd have to. Like Your Honor, he didn't even get Tyson. It didn't, it was just a big thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, this is Kruger band. Was it premarinated? No breading. I was asking, I'm telling you. Yeah, he didn't even bring shaking bait. It wasn't even breaded.
SPEAKER_01I visited him last week. I told him.
SPEAKER_02I'm just this is what I this is this this is what I wanted to ask. Is like, what's the level that you might stab somebody?
SPEAKER_03Not over chicken.
SPEAKER_02I know it's not over chicken, but like maybe like this was like the 15th time he's like, baby, I'm taking you out for a fucking red lobster. And he brings air fried chicken again. And you just snap. Despite it. What what where where's the point?
SPEAKER_01Of me stabbing someone?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_06Fatally to death? I would have to be in danger. I would never have to be over food.
SPEAKER_01Oh man. We don't know the story.
SPEAKER_03Maybe the chicken was bad and she knew it. Yeah. Are you trying to poison me? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But if he was whipping her over the channel, what if she checked the date and it was fucking two weeks ago and expired?
SPEAKER_01He might have fucking pimped her.
SPEAKER_06So maybe she wasn't here for her life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02She's like, I'm gonna get salmonella.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but I think as she read into the story, though, with her biting him.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think she might have been there.
SPEAKER_02We're not going there. We're not going there. We're not going there right now. We're just going with it. It's not the guy's fault. Sorry.
SPEAKER_03It's 100%.
SPEAKER_02He brought he brought some long jaw or make it like he was. Yeah. I would have been like, a woman acted irrational? No. No. Maybe, maybe this is like the 28th time he brought something to put in the air fryer.
SPEAKER_01He's promising me. It's like she was motherfucker!
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And then he doesn't clean it, he puts it in her sink. He's like, I gotta bounce. And she's trying to scrub all that sticky chicken off.
SPEAKER_02Puts his headphones on. He's like, Cook that shit up, baby. Hey, I'm playing Call of Duty. I got a weird wicked game of Call of Duty going on right now. And she finally fucking was like, Alright, you know that fucking steak knife looks pretty good. What do you think? How many more times? What is she stabbing with?
SPEAKER_04What is she stabbing with?
SPEAKER_02Chicken bones.
SPEAKER_05The wishbone. She put out the wishbone and ripped it off.
SPEAKER_02No, she she filed, she like every week, every chicken bone that he came for the air fryer, she filed them all down. But my level to stab someone.
SPEAKER_04It's extreme. It's extreme. I want to stab Jeff sometimes.
SPEAKER_01Oh, want to with your penis. And doing it, like, you'd have to fucking steal my shoes or something.
SPEAKER_03Maybe a pizza.
SPEAKER_01I don't eat my fucking food. Yeah. Are we still doing this? Second episode. I mean, at some point, you know, we got it. It's the first time.
SPEAKER_02I held my breath on that. I was like, okay, it's Jeff's turn.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Fucking get on this motherfucker, will you?
SPEAKER_02Alright, fine. I'm ready. Whatever.
SPEAKER_01I didn't pay you for fucking six months. And I'm still fucking sitting over here minding my own business. I'm still pulling weeds, motherfucker. I'm over here minding my own business, trying to run a show. He doesn't do weeds, by the way. Fat shame. Maybe I stabed.
SPEAKER_04That's the part where you stab somebody.
SPEAKER_02Hey, now we're figuring out your line. Guess what? No chicken for you. Yeah, because he's filed down all the bones.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah, I I don't. That's out of line.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01Fucking stabbing a dude.
SPEAKER_02For fucking air fried, you know what?
SPEAKER_01That's way out of line.
SPEAKER_02Why is that out of line? Air fryer chicken? Fuck you, dude.
SPEAKER_03He tried to be nice and feed her.
SPEAKER_02After the 20, I'm I'm guessing like the 30th time. She's like hoping this guy's gonna be the guy. Why did she? And he can't he just brings over shake and bake every fucking time. How do you know it was shake and bake? I I'm I'm trying lemon pepper. I'm trying to not victim blame, but I'm trying to victim blame.
SPEAKER_04Okay, now doesn't from a woman's perspective, Kelly, doesn't the fact that a man tries though play in like he, okay, it wasn't taking me out, but he brought me something.
SPEAKER_06Okay, that depends because men use that too.
SPEAKER_04There you go.
SPEAKER_06Absolutely. They will say absolutely tell you what they freaking want from you, and they will go out of the way to do something entirely off the wall that we didn't ask for that was, I guess, nice.
SPEAKER_03You know the wrong people.
SPEAKER_01I feel I need to know the race of the man also.
SPEAKER_02He's probably probably okay, so based off of the I just went black.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, because of the chicken. I wasn't you you beat me to the punchline.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, based off of the fake picture, he was either uh like Okay, like damn dog.
SPEAKER_04He was damned. His mom would have prepped it, and then he would have bought it over the bombing's chicken.
SPEAKER_02So black, so black for sure. And this could have been this could have been the 40th time where he's like, baby, I just came over for some air fried chicken and some pussy, and I'm gonna dip. Yeah, see what I'm saying? So she finally reached that point at the 40th time. That's what I want to say. I'm not I'm not being a racist-ish, but I'm kind of him. Kind of what is this?
SPEAKER_01Hey, baby, what's on Tubi tonight?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, she got tired of hearing, yeah, baby. You were good, you were good. You were good, that chicken was good. To be too. He's like, what do you want to watch while we're doing it? We're gonna we're gonna watch fucking talk Walker, Texas Ranger with fucking commercials again. And she fucking said, Ah.
SPEAKER_01Hey, there's a snapping point to everybody. I I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Tell me, tell me, tell me you wouldn't snap right there. Tell me you wouldn't snap at that point. 40th time just coming over and making me air fried chicken and fucking me and watching Walker Texas Ranger watching Tubi with commercials. Bam, bam, bam!
SPEAKER_01This is all fun, but could you stab someone? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah. I feel like anybody that hurts a dog, I'm fucking stabbing him. I'm stabbing them. Yeah, there you go. Thank you. I feel weird too. That's a line for me. If I saw somebody harming an animal or a dog like that, like I I'll fucking stab them in rage. I'll I will stab them. I don't think I would. Somebody talks to my wife the wrong way.
SPEAKER_01Like that just creep me out.
SPEAKER_02Like it once. Uh, it's better to stab somebody than it is to shoot somebody. So you're like, phone check. Because you feel it. You feel it. You're like, yeah, motherfucker you.
SPEAKER_01I like it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. See? See? So you see how my voice got deep when I said it too?
SPEAKER_01That was not your uh Jeff Jeff Stobbs. That was not your boyfriend voice.
SPEAKER_04Jeff Stobbs and boyfriend boyfriend voice. He's like, hey, hey, I'm gonna give you a little statement. Hey, hey, how's it going? I was like, oh, how's that feel?
SPEAKER_02What do you want it? You wronged me. Oh, feel that feel that warm.
SPEAKER_01What do you turn into Mark Wahlberg? Hey, on your mother's mother. I'll produce Otowash. That's weird as you say. It was weird you said, I just swear to God, I was like, dude, I want to remove it.
SPEAKER_02Tell me I'm wrong, and that wasn't a good fucking jumping off point for fucking.
SPEAKER_01That's a fucked up story.
SPEAKER_02What's the what's the level that you'd stab somebody?
SPEAKER_01I don't, I couldn't.
SPEAKER_02Not over chicken.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Your family, I don't.
SPEAKER_04Dumble this guy with your shoes was right at you.
SPEAKER_01And your family.
SPEAKER_04Would you sneak him?
SPEAKER_02But he's going like this, pew. Or he's coming at you with the show. Yeah, this stinky fuck is came came from you and he's like, dude.
SPEAKER_01My socks were in it too, so he's my socks.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you know he jerked off in him.
SPEAKER_04Well, would you stab him if he's coming out of your family? Yeah. Broad took a fucking axe and just fuck her up. Yeah in the neck. Yeah. Yeah. I've been playing too much assassin.
SPEAKER_01This shit's all recorded. I ain't saying shit, man. Assassin's Creed. Allegedly. Allegedly.
SPEAKER_04Allegedly, this is what happened. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You guys are wild.
SPEAKER_02Why? What's wrong with that? What's the level? Would you shoot somebody coming to your house? Would you shoot somebody? I'd shoot him. Okay, you'd shoot somebody. Okay, yeah. Has to be the right situation. I'm saying, I'm saying so many times they're like, hey, we're gonna do this. Pedophile is okay. Well, yeah. All right, all right. Would you let his beard on fire while he's sleeping? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you would. Yeah, you would.
SPEAKER_04That's why I stay away from the beard oils because the last time you shaved.
SPEAKER_01Get the beard off completely. Fuck.
SPEAKER_06Fuck's not a time. I've never seen him without a beard.
SPEAKER_01Really? How long have you been married?
SPEAKER_06Five years. I've known him for two years.
SPEAKER_02And he blanks. How long have you had that? Patrick just blanked right there. Oh really?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I shaved it off once. Never again, bro. Never. I'm weird.
SPEAKER_01You ever see those on TikTok when they shave and then go see their kids and stuff? And the kids start crying. The kids start crying, dude. The babies cry. They're like. And so the wives are like, no.
SPEAKER_02Dude, no, Jen's like the look on their faces, you're not handsome without it.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's what I was gonna get at. Is most people that grow beards are ugly motherfuckers, dude. And that's the truth.
SPEAKER_02When I when I shaved my beard, I shaved it with Freya in my arms. Just so she could see it. Could you imagine him showing like he'd probably look like an accountant?
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, he would. Like one of the customers. He looked like a sketchy lawyer that's chasing ambulances, dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Dennis is here. Hey! It's my boy.
SPEAKER_02Alright. Somebody fucking does anything a foul to Dennis. Would you stab him? Would you stab him? I'm not gonna stab him. No, not Dennis. I'm saying the guy. So somebody kicked Dennis.
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna stab Dennis.
SPEAKER_02Yes, I fucking would stab him.
SPEAKER_01No. I would stab him. I fucking do that.
SPEAKER_04What do you have on your he's got like things on his beard? Was he sniffing?
SPEAKER_02Oh that that's called that's called whores.
SPEAKER_01Look at the heights of this motherfucker now, too.
SPEAKER_02I know, you're welcome.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_02You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01Stop growing, yeah?
SPEAKER_02You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01He's taller than Abe.
SPEAKER_02Stand up next to me. He's not taller than his real dad, though. Look.
SPEAKER_04Uh no, almost. Almost he's gonna be.
SPEAKER_02You're welcome.
SPEAKER_04Like four more inches and I'll be in there. He's three inches away.
SPEAKER_01Hey. Grow a stupid ass beard so you can look like your dad over here. Hey, come here. Are you taller?
SPEAKER_02Taller than your dad yet?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_04No. No.
unknownNot really.
SPEAKER_04What's funny though, because I was the um me and my second brother are the only ones that can grow the full beard. My younger two can't. They got that Mexican patch. Like just a little sporadic little hair.
SPEAKER_01There's a Team America when they put it.
SPEAKER_02That's what I was gonna say. There's a reason why Mexicans shouldn't grow beards.
SPEAKER_01You're just growing.
SPEAKER_04No, it's very much Well, I bought the I bought uh I don't know if you have one of those uh hot uh beard straighteners. So I bought one of those. Oh, that thing is magical, dude. I love it.
SPEAKER_03Grow a mustache, that's all you need. More? Just one big handlebone. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I was cutting my hair like his, and I kept the beard ever since. When I met my wife, even before we were married, she's like, You should grow your beard out. I was like, Oh, okay. Because I used to do the just the if a chick says you can grow a beard out, that's a she was giving it to me, so she was getting whatever you want, whatever you want. She's like, You want fried chicken? It's coming up, it's coming up. What do you want?
SPEAKER_05She's like, grow your hair from like your forehead down.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's just standing with the long hair, too. I was um, no, she was saying it cover your face.
SPEAKER_02She was saying to cover your face, dude. That's what she was doing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I don't want to see that ugly mug. Yeah, but like that's why that's why when Callie was like, I've never seen it.
SPEAKER_02If he if he shaved, she's like, I'm divorced.
SPEAKER_03You know what? I'm gonna shave it and you're gonna have a boyfriend experience.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Oh, somebody knew. Somebody takes you out for air fryer chicken. Actually, it takes you to Red Lobster. Actually, we'll take you. Brings home air fried chicken and says, you know what? Red Lobster, that's what you're that's that's what you get. You can get you can get we we're gonna go to McDonald's. And we're not splitting the plate at Red Lobster either. We're gonna have our own entrees. You're gonna get your own Admiral's feast.
SPEAKER_01You know, even though this even though this guy fucks with me the whole time, I gotta say he does some classy, he doesn't do a lot of vacations, but when he does, where'd he take you?
SPEAKER_04Germany.
SPEAKER_02Oh, to the to the Rhineland.
SPEAKER_04So we're from Germany. We went to Rhineland. Two weeks two weeks.
SPEAKER_03That's all I can take off. My boss is.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's a hell of a trip though. Like, would you where'd you go? Where all did you go?
SPEAKER_03My hometown.
SPEAKER_02So many jokes coming through.
SPEAKER_01You gotta talk into the mic, man.
SPEAKER_03Hello.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's what it said.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, just my hometown and Munich and crap. Austria, Switzerland, that area. A couple of weeks of that. Austria. Yeah, yeah. Let's put another shrimp on the Bobby.
SPEAKER_01It must be from Austria. So Austria, that's uh town is really close to Austria. Not next to Transylvania?
SPEAKER_02No. Did you take her to Birchett's Garden? No.
SPEAKER_04Did I take her to the concentration camp the first time we went to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she really focused or were you were you selfie and YOLO?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, no, she she has some weird pre-life experience where she thinks she was in a concentration.
SPEAKER_01We got the hand to the face here so we know something. No, no, no, no, no. We'll talk about it later, though. I want to hear that. Yeah, not but I get sad about this. Maybe not on a dipshit podcast.
SPEAKER_04We want to do our European trip. The wife and I, we haven't done that yet. We've done Japan, we've done all kinds of other different places, but like.
SPEAKER_03Then go south. Don't go north.
SPEAKER_04Okay. But me looking like me though, like, can I get away with it or am I gonna look too. You look like the fucking Taliban.
SPEAKER_03You look like you're in a Mosh and you're from Turkey or something.
SPEAKER_04There you go. I'll make that. I'll take that. There's some Turkish. Cowbook.
SPEAKER_01So up. So your hometown. I thought we were doing that. So your hometown, when's the last time you were lived there? How old were you? Holy shit. I'm twenty? Oh, so you grew up there until you were 20.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. He had like a weird mustache.
SPEAKER_01Did you have old friends that you cut it off on the side? He was just starting his weird and shit. Yeah. Did you have old friends that you got to go see?
SPEAKER_03Shit like that. Cool. Dad. Friends. Yeah. Everybody lives back there? My mom and my sister lives in Greece, so. So how'd you get here? Like why and how? I jumped on a boat. Come on, man. No, I've I was I was doing stuff with the. Were you doing the rowing? What the fuck? Plus, I rode over here. No, I I did all the merchandise. He's like I was hiding from war crimes. Yeah. I toured the States, and that's how I ended up here, and I met my wife. Who toured the States? Ex-wife. A band that I did all the merchandise for. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02I helped you, Kelly, sorry.
SPEAKER_01Like a fucking rock band. Yeah, punk rock. Oh, cool.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but a German rock band, dude, isn't a German. Dude, that's fucking gods.
SPEAKER_04They were called fucking Yankee blue jeans.
SPEAKER_02Would you like to suck some cockpit?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's so you end up over here and you just stayed?
SPEAKER_03No, so I we were here for Olaf metal. Uh four weeks or something, and I met her and flew back, and she came.
SPEAKER_02Your first piece of American puss, dude, and you fucking flew across the fucking goddamn globe. Yeah, and then she came to Germany to ask her to marry me.
SPEAKER_03Dude, fucking and then fucking. Hey, wish they okay two months later.
SPEAKER_02Skyman. Packed my shit and moved. I did the same thing in the military. Did you come here first or were you like LA? Oh nice. So that's what I was gonna say.
SPEAKER_01So you guys came into California?
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03I lived in Long Beach for a little bit and then in Riverside for a year.
SPEAKER_02Off the 91 dog? Oh lovely drive. The Arctic of California.
SPEAKER_01So was it a big culture shock coming here, or did you love it right away? Were you?
SPEAKER_03There were certain things like they have done weird. It's like Russia, Poland, when you see all the drainage ditches. That doesn't exist unless you're in one of those countries. Yeah, just yeah.
SPEAKER_04He's like the the air fried chicken here was excellent.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna marry that girl.
SPEAKER_02She has no eyebrows. So how how old are you now?
SPEAKER_01Too old. Think about now. 49. 49, so you've been here 29 years old. 20 plus years.
SPEAKER_03No, I moved. When did I move in 2004?
SPEAKER_01So but you were an adult. Yeah. So fuck it. Were your parents like, oh, what do you go to America for?
SPEAKER_03Fuck, I just packed my shit and left. Sold everything I had.
SPEAKER_01You're like, I found this babe and I'm out doing it. Love it.
SPEAKER_02Fell in love with the American fucking dream, dude.
SPEAKER_01Were you sending pictures home and you like surfing and shit? Like, hey, check me out. I'm in America. Yeah, no. Drinking Budweiser.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, that was no, he was showing like so the beer sucks here. Yeah, yeah. He was showing all the denim he was wearing. He's like, dude, check this shit out. Look at my vest. This is only 10 bucks.
SPEAKER_01I'm roller skating on fucking.
SPEAKER_02In Germany, that's fucking $10,000. He's like, where can I find a good bit bugger?
unknownFuck.
SPEAKER_01So you guys plan on going back?
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's fun.
SPEAKER_02Dad's still there? Yeah. Just got married. Yeah, he did. How old is your dad?
SPEAKER_0370.
SPEAKER_02Did you tell him he was stupid? Did you tell him Caitlin was available? Wait, does your dad does your dad have money? No. Okay, then never mind. Never mind. No. Transylvania Castle. Caitlin's not going to inherit. Derek's all over there like building a gun tank. I'm going to stab him that guy.
SPEAKER_01I just wondered how you even got here. You got a good accent still. Do you do that a sh a shtick or do you lose it once in a while? If I drink, it comes out. Yeah, it comes back. Oh, okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Oh. It's okay. When I go back to Cali, I speak like East LA in Mexican. It just comes out in me every time I go back home. Motherland. Yep. Oh, yeah. He's like, what's your motherland, fucking East LA? Not Mexico, East LA.
SPEAKER_02One of my good friends in the Navy, his wife was from fucking Boston, dude. And when she got drunk, she was just like, fucking park the card, some smart kickers.
SPEAKER_01But before that, she's normal.
SPEAKER_02Dude, she worked so hard to get rid of it because we all made fun of her. She's like, Yeah, what's the khakis and khakis, you know? Like Dolchester. So she, yeah, Dorchester. So she was always like, hey, how's everything going? And when she got like a couple and like a couple of snoots full, she was like, Yeah, you fucking kids and fucking. Yeah, I'm totally opposite.
SPEAKER_01I talk normal. But once I get drunk, that's when I get my Asian accent. Yeah, miss the talk. Miss the talk coming there. I was thinking about that. I'm gonna change my Asian.
SPEAKER_02Wait, you've been working on your Asian accent? Yeah, well, I'm okay.
SPEAKER_01This has got to be good. I just thought about this. No. Because I don't know. I was like, oh, but I'm older now. Older and fatter. And I'm thinking I should be. You said it. I should be more like, oh.
SPEAKER_02We've said it numerous times. We're all older and fatter here.
SPEAKER_01I don't think I should be like, oh, Mr. Top. That's your boyfriend voice. I think I should be more like. Oh.
SPEAKER_02You know. You come to my house. You disrespect my uh.
SPEAKER_01You know, like I think I'm gonna go with that. So I gotta work on it. Japanese is the way to go. Dude, uh Japanese? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04It's like Shane Gillis in the tires where the dude's trying to explain. Oh, I sing I speak some Chinese. And he goes, Oh, I speak Japanese. Oh, Godzilla. Godzilla. You come destroy our stuff, Godzilla.
SPEAKER_02I I was fucking with uh with Freya the other day about Godzilla. I was like, you know, like how they say it is Gojira. It's Gojira. And she goes, No, son. Like, yeah, it is. And she started Googling it. And she googled some fucking dude. He's like, it's Gojira. Why are you shaking your head? Because I don't know. No, it is.
SPEAKER_04It's Gojira.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02It is. You're already fucking poop-pooing my ears. You know what? I don't want to tell my story now.
SPEAKER_01Well, go ahead, Gojira. Oh, sorry.
SPEAKER_02I'm gone. I'm out.
SPEAKER_01Me sorry.
SPEAKER_02Can we take a break now? You go now. Can we take a break? Can we take a break? No. We take a break. You have been working on it, you motherfucker.
unknownYour butt is wide.
SPEAKER_00Well, mine is too bad. Just watch your mouth.
SPEAKER_01Thank you, thank you.
SPEAKER_00Better treat me right. Hammon whole week. Ham on whole weed. Alright. I love it, dude. Jamie!
SPEAKER_04Every time we travel, buckle break.
SPEAKER_01Weird out. Weird out, dude. It's just it helps you pass the time when you're driving. So I've been hanging out a lot with uh my boy J Dog, Justin. Shout out Justin. Just drive!
SPEAKER_02Hey Justin!
SPEAKER_01So him and his brother Sean. Yeah. They come by and we're gonna. The OG. The OG, man.
SPEAKER_02The OG of the podcast.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So anyway, we're uh we're hanging a lot lately. We do our fucking we do our little card hanging and that's why the mic's out, because we've been doing karaoke.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you guys are so retarded for that.
SPEAKER_01Why?
SPEAKER_02I like karaoke. You you and those boys do karaoke like like I used to pull up and I just hear it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, okay. It's fun. It's fun. Try it once in a while.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then you go sit in your fucking bed.
SPEAKER_04We did it in a place in a place in Japan where they gave you your own room. The own room. Your own room.
SPEAKER_01Oh, and then we like food and like what's different? I sit in my own room and I get wasted and fucking sing. I'm in my undies and I got a dick-shaped microphone. I usually put pants on, but but we're doing like You usually I I put on a mix and whatever's next. Just do it. So we'll do like the half song, you know, because it fucking gets old. Halfway there. Oh. So we're just like we do it, and then he does verse boom and all right. Whatever's next, you know. No, halfway there, living on a prayer gets old.
SPEAKER_02That gets old. Okay. Or karaoke gets old.
SPEAKER_01It gets old. But the song, you know, it's like because we don't sing good.
SPEAKER_02Oh. So You mean you or me or him or or Patrick or I don't want to speak for Kelly because I don't know.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I can sing for shit.
SPEAKER_02But you mean out you mean after a certain time. You mean that gets old? That's why karaoke bothers me.
SPEAKER_01Well, everything bothers you.
SPEAKER_02When you're drunk.
SPEAKER_01We have a blast because we started putting on songs that we don't know at all. And just trying to sing out. And just they got words, so you're like, Fournier.
SPEAKER_04Sounds pretty good.
SPEAKER_01And then we'll go back and listen to the real song and be like, we're not even close. But we made our own version. It was cool. Sean fucking love Sean. He can't sing like well, but it's the best. He's the He's my number one dude to come sing because he don't give a fuck. I would say that the people put on whatever you want, dude, and I'll fucking sing it.
SPEAKER_02I would say the people that can't sing the best are the best and sing karaoke.
SPEAKER_01I'm trying to get on the people who rap the bottom on the phone there.
SPEAKER_02It's a G. It's I mean it's in G. I'm a little flat here. I'm a little flat.
SPEAKER_01He's just No, the people that are just like, ha! You're like, yeah, dude, that's the dude. It's almost like poetry. Like.
SPEAKER_02No, it's not.
SPEAKER_01Oh, speaking of poetry, dude. Slam slam poetry.
SPEAKER_02You've been working on your slam poetry and your type share time?
SPEAKER_01No, that's what I want to do on a show. Slam poetry? We all come out with one Oh my god. You know, Harriet! Harriet!
SPEAKER_02Hard harb harbinger haggis.
SPEAKER_01I started watching this shit. But me and the karaoke, though. We have a blast doing karaoke. And fuck you, man. I got you sing one time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's fine. I'll sing sometimes. Yeah, it's fun. But karaoke's dumb. No. It's not dumb. You're just boring. You're a boring guy. You're boring.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay. That's fine. Yes, I am. That's fine.
SPEAKER_01Well, like you really looked up and I took stock of my life.
SPEAKER_02But when you go to like the outpost and everybody's like, hey, it's karaoke time. Let's go. Here comes Stephanie.
SPEAKER_00And she's like, she's like, and I think about you. Oh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_04I mean, the jackass, the jackass was the best. I go snowblah. Okay.
SPEAKER_01You find some fucking gems out there, though. Okay.
SPEAKER_02Alright. If you do it in a funny way, or like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I'm just having fun, then great. But it's those people that are like Michael Bolton, you know, fucking like and then you're like they both did it in harmony.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. That's our song. Oh, wait, oh the possibly naked in front of each other. No, in the shower. In the shower?
SPEAKER_02In the shower. FaceTime. Naked. FaceTime-ish. But when you start thinking that you're good at it and you're terrible, I'm instantly fucking out. No, I agree with that.
SPEAKER_01Like there's so many people microphone touching. That go out thinking, oh dude, I'm going to go.
SPEAKER_02I got my fucking lipstick. Everything stands up. Yeah. That's stupid. Everybody has okay. Everybody, and I know you do it too. Well, I got my lips. You have your you have your You didn't even let me get it out. I'm getting there. I got kidding. Everybody's got their karaoke songs. I go emo, bro.
SPEAKER_04I go all emo.
SPEAKER_01Here's my songs, dude. I'm sad.
SPEAKER_04I want to do a smart thing in the.
SPEAKER_01I was really joking, but I didn't really good at uh with karaoke songs. Yeah. I do bad things really good. Should we all do it? I want to do bad things with you. And I do uh Neil Diamond. Forever in Blue Jeans, babe. I got NXG.
SPEAKER_04Did you see that Neil Diamond movie? I love that movie. Oh my god, we talked about okay. I finally watched it. Did you watch a fucking cold movie, bro?
SPEAKER_02Great movie. The people that did the cover Neil Diamond, the husband and wife team.
SPEAKER_01Yes, dude. It's such a like more to it than just no, just it was so heartfelt.
SPEAKER_04Don't blow nothing.
SPEAKER_01Like it was so great. I got it.
SPEAKER_04Jen gave me some that night. How good it was, bro.
SPEAKER_01In excess? Never tear us apart. I need you to know. I'd never tear us apart. Don't ask me. What you know is true.
SPEAKER_02Dude, you sing it. It was a good one. You sing it exactly like that. I do. I see your lip. And I don't even know. Your lip. Your lip, I want to punch it. I want to punch it, but I I respect it. I respect it, but I want to punch it.
SPEAKER_01I don't even face anyone until like halfway through something. And I turn around. Uh I was standing. I got a whole gig for that. Locomotive breath, I kill that one too. And the shuffling madness of locomotive breath. No. Fucking Jessatole. You're famous. Oh, yeah. But I do a whole free thing.
SPEAKER_02I wonder why I don't know that song.
SPEAKER_01Um Overkill did a real good.
SPEAKER_02Wait, let's let's stop. Let's stop and let's ask her. Nope. I only got two more. Stop. She's like the wind. She's not like the wind. Peaceways. You know what? I would I would I would sing that. Yeah, that's a good one. Because how awful. How awful, how awful that song was, and it didn't fit into that whole movie.
SPEAKER_01I loved it.
SPEAKER_02It didn't fit.
SPEAKER_01I made a lot of money off that movie. Or off that song.
SPEAKER_02Wait, wait, wait. Why'd you make a lot of money off that movie and that song? Not the movie, the song. Um I I was I wanted to ask our guests. I wanted to ask our guests before you go into the next story. What'd they sing? What would they sing? Callie, what would be your your karaoke song? What song do you sing in the shower? Like nobody's listening. Come on, you got one. Patrick and you.
SPEAKER_03I don't have a shower.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, I know what it is. It's like hell to the rhineline. Fucking Edelweiss or some shit. Duhash. Duhash.
SPEAKER_01You should probably feel like I'm going back to Cali.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but he sings it weird. He sings it with a wave. Like, who's who's up for karaoke? He's like, me. I'm not do hospital. Here. I mean, here, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I know you sing something. Oh, yeah, she does. I know you got a voice from an angel.
SPEAKER_03No, I don't.
SPEAKER_01Sing me something.
SPEAKER_03No. She got a voice like a dying cat.
SPEAKER_06I love singing, but I'm kidding.
SPEAKER_04Okay, well, no one's watching. What songs listening? What song would you sing? What do you sing? When no one's watching, no one's listening, just you.
SPEAKER_05Trying to remember what's on my shower playlist. Everybody's got a shower playlist, dude.
SPEAKER_02Mine's whack.
SPEAKER_04My shower playlist is two beers.
SPEAKER_02No, my sh I drink two beers. I drink two beers in the shower. And then you're like, nobody's listening, and who gives a shit?
SPEAKER_01I'm just gonna see. I've seen Tom Waits in the shower a lot because the echo in my bathroom is great. I'm like, Freddy got me stumbling with the blues. You know. But you what's your what's your song? I know you got one.
SPEAKER_02Just give us one. Just one?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And then I'm gonna play it and you're gonna sing it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay, we won't do that. How about this? How about this?
SPEAKER_01We sing it with her. We won't even sing it. We just want to hear what it is.
SPEAKER_02She she's she's like the wind. She's like the wind. She's like the same one. She's like the wind. She's like, why is Peaceways on my fucking top ten? Nothing. No.
SPEAKER_06All I want by Codaline was one I've been singing a lot. Okay.
SPEAKER_02What is it?
SPEAKER_06All I Want by Codoline.
SPEAKER_02I don't know that song.
SPEAKER_06I'm not singing it.
SPEAKER_02Just home a few bars. I tried it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01How does it go for real? Yeah. How does it go? We don't know. Codaline. I don't know the song. Irish folk song?
SPEAKER_03You know the song.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_04Great song.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's like at the end of a movie or something.
SPEAKER_04The kid with cancer dies. The best friend is walking up the road.
SPEAKER_02Remember the long-lost love is walking up the driveway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I know that it was retarded cousin coming up with the dog. I remember that movie.
SPEAKER_02The dog wound up coming up and he lived. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucked up. We just made fun of him. Hey Kelly, thanks for sharing. We're pieces of shit. What a dick. Not crying.
SPEAKER_01And then my last two are overkill and ends.
SPEAKER_02Nobody gives a shit about your last.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_04I can't get too sneak. I think about the Does Vinny sing like little China girl. Yeah, that deep voice. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That guy. I don't know what it is. Dude, his fucking music, man. Oh, it's just. I know everyone you don't listen to.
SPEAKER_04Mumble rap. Is that what he's into?
SPEAKER_01It's not.
SPEAKER_04I don't know what it is. Because we talked about it before about kids. Mumble rap. By getting the kids to pick their things before, but like mumble rapping.
SPEAKER_02Lifestyle. That one?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't know even. No, dude. I try with them. I'll get a buzz. I'll be like, come out here. Fucking talk, dude. We sit down and talk.
SPEAKER_02You gotta get a buzz first. The best part about him saying, I get a buzz, and Vincent's like, again. Here we go. Here comes Dad. Oh, dear old dad.
SPEAKER_04What do you want to sing today? So here's what we do.
SPEAKER_01It's like I'm like, I'm gonna give him two songs. And then you get two songs. And then I listen to two of his songs. That's what I'm like, okay, give me two songs, but I want you to go listen to like the problem is you start off with Jethro Tall.
SPEAKER_02No, I think listen to Sky of the Middle Something like that.
SPEAKER_01Like a song that you should know. You know, like Steelers Wheel.
SPEAKER_00I don't know how I gotta hit Steelers Wheel.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But um his songs, I think I listen to him.
SPEAKER_02Did you show did you show him um fucking reservoir dogs?
SPEAKER_01Not yet. We're in the middle of George George Baker man. We're in the middle of suck.
SPEAKER_02Um yeah, but Steeler's Wheel when he cuts his R. Check, check. Yeah. Hello? Okay, hello? And he throws gas on him, and then that's all you that every time I hear that song, that's all I think of. So if you show him that movie and you show him Steelers or listen and make him listen stuck in the middle with you.
SPEAKER_01He's not allowed on his phone and shit or games right now. He's been fucking up and I'm got in trouble again. Well, no, he's not really in trouble, it's just it's overtaking his life. It's a concentrate, bro. I'm seeing it and he's just not doing what he's doing. So I'm like, hey, now you gotta hang with dad. So I got him. Yeah, that's torture.
SPEAKER_02You gotta hang out with your old Danes.
SPEAKER_01And he's like, oh, what are we gonna eat now, right? No, no.
SPEAKER_05I was going to say You burned yourself! That wasn't even him. So what kind of burger we have?
SPEAKER_01What are we eating today? So anyway, so No, what are we eating right now? I brought him in a room. I'm like, dude, because he loved Bronxdale. Okay. Collageno. Great movie. So I'm like, hey, it's a little long, dude, but Bronxtail is a great fucking movie. Great movie. So we got into Goodfellas. Oh shit. We're we're only 30 minutes into it. Jeez, and he goes, Can you pause it? I gotta go shower. It was late, you know. And he's into it. So then we watch another 20. You know, I don't get a lot of time with the kid, honestly, to hear.
SPEAKER_02Trying to nail down a kid to like a long movie is fun. He's into it.
SPEAKER_01He keeps telling me, pause it. I want to watch this. So I'm like, wait till we have a good hour and a half.
SPEAKER_02How about you just watch it with me, motherfucker? That's what I would do.
SPEAKER_01Well, you know, I started it and I give him a squirrely.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's that's a that's a to like in 11, 11:30 movie, like by the time we're done.
SPEAKER_02Fuck that, dude. You watch a movie. Yeah. I'm so sick of uh Freya does it with me. Can we pause it? No, motherfucker. Yeah, get you go home and shoes shine box. Like fucking Billy Bats, dude.
SPEAKER_01We haven't got there yet, but we're up to uh the funny like a clown. You are a funny guy! What do you mean? You said it.
SPEAKER_02You might buckle under questions.
SPEAKER_01It's so fucking good. Fucking love that movie. But we don't get home. Like last night we played uh a baseball game in Chino Valley. This was wild too, dude. Have you ever heard of this? This guy, he looks like he's got a big red mustache. He looks like uh Jeff. No, he looks like a character from like one of the Disney Pixar movies or something. He's got that fucking everyone, he's a fucking cartoon character. Right. And he's out there and he's I've seen him coaching for years. So we're watching the game, and we're off to the side, like the third base side. I'm looking at him like the fucking son is off here. That dude doesn't have a bat in his hand. And he's in the battery's box. And he's standing there with his fucking hands and no bat. And then we walk him. He doesn't have a bat, and he gets walked, and she goes, Oh, I'm Googling fucking rules. And someone goes, What's going on? Next guy gets up, no bat in his hand. And so we finally said something like because we're kind of pissy, like, what are you doing here? He goes, teaching them a lesson. They don't want to swing the bat, they don't get a bat. That's legit. Is it is it's super fucked. If that was your kid, if my kid went up there and had no bat and the coach said, Don't even bring a bat.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_04I would say if you're not gonna swing, I'm gonna have an issue, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But I get it. Yeah, but there's a prime line with fucking.
SPEAKER_02But also it's fucked to the pitcher, too, because if you can't fucking throw it in the back. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, I wouldn't put no bat in no kid's hands.
SPEAKER_02Right. And yeah, you might win off of fucking walks. Because it's hard. It's fucked either way, but I I do understand. I love fucking with kids as much as this guy. Hey. But man, that puts fucking batteries. Put lumber, man. Put lumber on ball. I get that part.
SPEAKER_01You can't just send them up with no bat.
SPEAKER_02So I'm that's a that's a hardcore code.
SPEAKER_01After the third one, I'm pissed, I'm looking, and I'm like, it says right here, if he gets in a box, every pitch is a strike. If he doesn't have a bat. Right. So there's no older that. But it's it's a rule, but not for little league. Little league is not in that book. So technically he could do that. That's bullshit.
SPEAKER_04Walk every kid?
SPEAKER_01Like we struck we struck the next two out. They got basically loaded and we struck the side out, you know, so it was done. You know. But man, if that was my kid and you put my kid up there without a bat, I would be pissed. I would take him off the field and be like, fucking. You stab him without the chicken. I'll fucking stab him, man. We found your stab? But that's a weird No, I wouldn't stab him. All right. God damn it. Fucking shoot him. Why is it always just a leg shot?
SPEAKER_02Stab it, stab it. Stab you feel it.
SPEAKER_01I don't want to feel it. That's yeah, I want to feel it.
SPEAKER_02I don't want to kill no one. Yeah, I do. Beat him with the bat.
SPEAKER_05You don't have to be with the bat. Low floor!
SPEAKER_02Swinging that nether. He's like, I'm I'm killing you. But it what do what do you think of that?
SPEAKER_04Is that wacky? That's kind of my life. I I get the lesson, but that's at the expense of the game. It's fucked, it's fucked all the way around.
SPEAKER_01Baseball guy. I've never seen that. I've coached for close to 15 years. I've never seen that.
SPEAKER_02You've been an official umpire for two years now? Three. Three years now? I've never seen that.
SPEAKER_01I don't even know how what I would say.
SPEAKER_02Like Well, I was gonna ask you, like, since you're an official umpire, how come you didn't know the rule? You had to Google it.
SPEAKER_05Why would you know that rule?
SPEAKER_02But you're but you're an umpire. What does that come up? Well, that's a great question, Gene. You don't have the certificates. I think I would turn around and say, I feel like that was in umpire school.
SPEAKER_01I think I would say time out and turn around and be like, is this allowed? Like it's fucking bizarre.
SPEAKER_02It is weird. A little weird. So he so he was being a hardcore coach, but he was also being a cocksucker.
SPEAKER_01So the guy I'm sitting with. Are you trying to teach his kids a lesson or what? He's like, Yep, I'm an asshole. And I'm like, I'll fucking hey it. Like he owned up, he goes, I'm an asshole. They don't want to swing a bat, they don't get a bat.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm guessing the the game before they didn't get a hit because they and they got like all strikeouts.
SPEAKER_01So he's like fuck you, you don't want to swing? Fifth inning. Oh, wow. Oh the first two innings they didn't swing.
SPEAKER_02They didn't swing at all.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So he's being a cunt.
SPEAKER_02He's being a cunt.
SPEAKER_01And that's like that's wacky, man. I don't know. It's uh I don't know. Monsters University. The one of the redhead that's the guy came to me.
SPEAKER_04That's what it looks like. Yep. I love it because I know what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_01It was wild, dude. I'm like, I've never seen that. Is that yeah, it's weird. Oh that's weird. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I take children to go see the Michael Jackson movie, and that's what we do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then take your in uh the third act. Show them your bat. Jamal. It's enough ripping on my Michael, man. I know, bro. I know. You like Mike.
SPEAKER_04You know what time they go to bed at Michael Jackson's house?
SPEAKER_01When a little hand touches the big hand or something. I don't know. Something like that. I'm sure it's something like that, right? Yeah, it's exactly.
SPEAKER_02That's exactly you're making you're making Kelly uncomfortable. Oh no. No, no. No, I'm just trying to fucking get us out of this.
SPEAKER_01She doesn't seem very uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but they're not talking. They're just sitting over there. She's been waiting. Listen, she's been waiting singing for the last 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we're back to your song.
SPEAKER_02She's like the win.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, back to your song.
unknownFuck alcohol.
SPEAKER_01Well, hey guys, thanks for showing up.
SPEAKER_02I just feel like it was us three. And then, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah. All right. But we love them. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having us. Go check out Valhalla Extermination.
SPEAKER_06Give us a call. We'll take care of your bugs.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Is something bugging you? Call Valhalla.
SPEAKER_01Just um.
SPEAKER_02Fuck you. Fucking stupid.
SPEAKER_01I don't even want to say it. I was going to say a bad joke. It's not right because it's a legit business. It's not right. No. It's not right. He's a rigged guy. Seriously. Those guys take care of you.
SPEAKER_04So you want to put the bugs in the gas chamber? Patrick and Call.
SPEAKER_02I went with something less obvious, but you want to super obvious.
SPEAKER_01That's a fucking great slogan. No, it's fine.
SPEAKER_04He said we got the gas chambers for your bugs. Take care of all that.
SPEAKER_02He's German. He's not that German. Yeah, he's not.
SPEAKER_04He said, My tolerance for bugs. My tolerance for bugs is right here.
SPEAKER_01It's this high. It's this high. Cool. Guys, thanks for being here and hang out.
SPEAKER_05Thank you. That's nice. So happy we came on.
SPEAKER_01It's great.
SPEAKER_02It's right here. It's right.
SPEAKER_01It's right here, man. Go check him out. We're the humans race, and we're pieces of shit. We're pieces of shit. Yeah, man. All right.
SPEAKER_05Stop that.
unknownI'm there.
SPEAKER_01Jeff Babe. We'll see you next time. Humans race show. Peace.
SPEAKER_02I'll hile you later.