The Humanz Race Show
Here you’ll find episodes jam-packed with profanity-laced punchlines, irreverent impressions, and hilarious shenanigans that'll make you question your own sense of humor. Come join us as we dive headfirst into the realms of hilarity and push the boundaries of good taste as we share personal stories, discuss absurdities, and have a damn good time.
The Humanz Race Show
S7 Ep.#5- You Got A Fly On Your Face
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The Crew Talks About Derek Being Italian, Accents, The Sopranos Show, Laughing And Smiling, Different Kinds Of Crying, Derek Thinks He Could Have A Baby, Pain Threshold, Hangovers Caitlyn Is Having Her Baby, Celebrity Age Game, And Other Nonsense.
This is Don Calling on. I'd like to walk him into the Human's Race Show.
SPEAKER_06No.
SPEAKER_04Welcome to Human's Race Show.
SPEAKER_02I'm Derek hanging out with Abe and Kate. What are you doing over there, dude? I was trying to find a meme to show uh Kate. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And it's the the the uh We were just on break for 10 minutes because you had it eight minutes ago.
SPEAKER_02It's the uh uh the the like trashy white mom starter pack. Oh and it's and it's that Ford focus.
SPEAKER_01Or that Ford. That car. That car.
SPEAKER_03And it's like Spongebob pajamas. And it's like a big gulp from Circle King. And like two monsters.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that okay. I get it. Welcome to the show, guys. It's another beautiful day out there. The weather's nice, blah, blah, blah.
SPEAKER_02Yep, yep. I start off with the the the godfather. You're trying to make me an offer I can't refuse?
SPEAKER_06Well, for my birthday, I got a little onyx ring for black. And I got the fucking horn. You know, remember I'm an Italian guy now.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, beauty bobbity.
SPEAKER_06So I'm trying to think, should I learn Italian or learn American Italian? American Italian.
SPEAKER_02You should watch Sopranos.
SPEAKER_06Well, I have been.
SPEAKER_02I actually like, hey, Maron! But you know, the stugats.
SPEAKER_06I think that's just as hard as learning Italian. A little bit.
SPEAKER_00I feel like you should do that because you'll use it more. Like you're not gonna just walk around speaking Italian to people.
SPEAKER_06Oh fuck, I wouldn't. I would do that all day to people. What? You know what's the matter you? But yeah, yeah, you're right. But that's a that's an art too. I mean that's like learning any accent, which I'm not good at any of them.
SPEAKER_00Well, maybe if you learn Italian, the accent will come naturally and you could do both.
SPEAKER_06Or just play a lot of Mario.
SPEAKER_00Be like, woohoo!
SPEAKER_06I can do I can do that stuff. But I've been watching the Sopranos, which is I'm I'm Italian, if you didn't know. I was I'm Italian origin, but but I never watched the Sopranos all the way through.
SPEAKER_02What season are you on?
SPEAKER_06Season one. Um I told you I just started off the episode one. That's that's always no no no I'm on like episode 12 or he's like I'm on the intro. I gotta be I gotta be close to season two now. I mean maybe the last episode of one.
SPEAKER_02I'm gotcha, gotcha.
SPEAKER_06I sat there and watched it for fucking hours. Great show, dude.
SPEAKER_02Great characters, great characters, great just I'm already like in love with it.
SPEAKER_06Everything, dude. But the thing is, I'm watching it alone, and I want to get McVinny involved. Right. Be like, hey, come watch this with me.
SPEAKER_05Come sit down with me, yeah. Come sit over here. Let's watch this show, huh?
SPEAKER_02It's great. Fucking hey, Polly, polywalnuts, dude. Favorite.
SPEAKER_06I love Polly. Polly's one of my favorites.
SPEAKER_03Favorites, dude.
SPEAKER_06I was thinking about growing my hair like him. Yeah, dude, do the do the do the gray and then just dye the towel. Dude, but if you really look at it, because I paused it. You think I'm joking? I was really gonna do my? I even got that written down in my show notes. I'm going for a new hairstyle.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I'm going full Italian, dude. Full poly walnuts. So now I'm looking at the feathered back, but his feathering, dude, is perfect.
SPEAKER_02It's some Farafasa shit, dude.
SPEAKER_06On the sides, it's all fucking perfect and it's gray. Yeah. I'm like, dude, I could pull that off.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So yeah, homeboy, homeboy rocks it in that.
SPEAKER_06It's a great show, though. The show.
SPEAKER_02And it's old. So when you're done.
SPEAKER_06Well, see, I've seen like season six or so. You know, I jumped in there and I watched most of it till the ending, and then I missed most of the last season and then caught the last two episodes. Right. So, you know, you just sprinkle in a little shit.
SPEAKER_02Everybody's felt like I watched, but everybody was upset about the ending. Kind of like lost. But I wasn't. I wasn't either. I would it it it ended perfectly.
SPEAKER_06It ended in the style, like I watched the whole breakdown once where this guy I'm Italian, so I know this shit, so it ended in mafia style. Yep. Black. Out. Boom. Because that's what happens. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Spoiler alert. But yeah.
SPEAKER_06If you haven't seen it like me, you know.
SPEAKER_02Great fucking show, man. Yeah, yeah. If you um if you want, there's the movie you can watch, and it won't affect the show. In fact, it's Sopranos movie? Yes. It's called the uh The Minnie Saints of Newark. Oh, yeah. Jonathan Berthnall's in it. Um it's about Chris Moltesanti's dad. I'd have no clue. Oh man, I don't want to ruin it for you, but you realize. Where can you see this? It's uh God, either I'll find it. You'll find it, but HBO maybe.
SPEAKER_00He's Italian, he'll be right back.
SPEAKER_02They'll send it to me. It'll come with the pizza. Um yes, it's called The Mini Saints of Newark, and it's about Moltesanti's dad. But same characters are in it? No, because again, so Tony Soprano's uh 12 in there? Him and Meadow are kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're not they're not 12. They're like 14, 15, him and and uh uh Carmela. Carmella. They're they're kids, yeah. And and Janice and all that.
SPEAKER_06See, now I missed a big section, but I think he's gonna fuck his psychiatrist.
SPEAKER_02Nope. Oh, it doesn't? No, no spoiler.
SPEAKER_06I feel like they got something.
SPEAKER_02Nope.
SPEAKER_06But like a couple episodes ago, he got all pissed off.
SPEAKER_02I fucking would kill you.
SPEAKER_06You know, so I'm pretty young and it's like first, you know.
SPEAKER_02But I can see, man, I guess I'm so you're watching Junior play his power move and everything. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06He fucking hates his mom. His sister showed up.
SPEAKER_02Hey, dude, what a horrible fucking bitch.
SPEAKER_06He took the fucking sign down. He's out there with the hose, dude, and flipping around. And yeah, so I'm pretty new to it. But but I'm I'm gonna learn Italian and I'm gonna come out. I'm just gonna fucking talk. Maybe I I I'm gonna talk with something in my mouth.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, have you ever shown Vinny the Godfathers?
SPEAKER_06No.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_06I just watched The Godfather for the first time ten years ago.
SPEAKER_02I'm like right after fucking uh uh uh uh fuck. Maybe 18 years old. Stephen King, Stephen King movie. The one we always give you shit about. Oh my god, I can't think.
SPEAKER_06My brain Stephen King movie.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. Uh uh uh Oh my god. The one with uh come on. Oh my god, okay, before I pulled the names, Kate. Uh uh Tim Robbins movie. Shawshank Redemption. That's why I said it's a great fucking show. So that was a great movie. Shawshank Redemption. I go, that was gonna be my joke. I just watched The Godfather. I was like, oh, was it right after Shawshank Redemption? Ruin. Ruin.
SPEAKER_06Hey, and yeah, I just watched it, man. Really? It was a great show. Did you watch it right after Shotshank Redemption?
SPEAKER_07Oh man, he got it.
SPEAKER_06No, I was everyone's got like a fake laugh, you know. I don't have one, dude. I just don't fucking laugh if it's not funny.
SPEAKER_02Really? You don't have the the the one giving?
SPEAKER_06No, I was practicing today before you came over. Really? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And that was your fake laugh?
SPEAKER_06Well, no, I had I had a few of them. That was my last one in case like, oh, you gotta use that one. But I'm like, I was getting dressed in other room and he comes out and he's all ha ha ha. I've been there like practicing.
SPEAKER_07Ha ha ha!
SPEAKER_06You know, she's like, what the fuck are you? I'm like, I'm I gotta get a new fake laugh, you know. Uh a laugh is I don't know how to smile.
SPEAKER_00I don't know how to do the other night.
SPEAKER_06I can't smile. No, see, yeah, we'll get to the pictures here in a second. I feel like I'm too cool to smile and laugh. I don't know what the fuck it is. But I'll watch videos at night if I'm you know a little buzzy bear or something. And I y I'll lose it sometimes and just getting those giggles. Yeah. But everyone's sleeping, so I'm always snifling, you know, like you know, it's like everything I do has gotta be quiet. You can't jerk off and be ah you can't laugh loud, you know. It's like fuck.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06But I need a laugh, so I'm working on a couple, all right? How about this one? Say something.
SPEAKER_02Uh why'd the chicken cross the road to get to the other side?
SPEAKER_06So that's more of a my ho ho ho ish. Or I could be like a hoo-hoo hoo hoo. I'm trying to do something that's funny. Sure. Sure. To make other people laugh. No.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_06No.
SPEAKER_01Do a tee hee he.
SPEAKER_06Okay, like that. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. Every time you say something, I'm a Then you know it's fake.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Now I'm gonna know you're laughing. I'm not I'm just not good at laughing. I'm not good at smiling, and Kate, you can vouch for that. I'm not good at pictures, dude. I suck at fucking.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's not that you're not good at smiling or laughing, or it's it's pictures. You get so unnatural, like you've never like posed before. He's all like literally, that was his face the other night trying to take a picture of him.
SPEAKER_06We were trying to take a picture after Vinny they won the all-star, so we're gonna post a little thing.
SPEAKER_00I wish I had him.
SPEAKER_06I got well, they were all on mom's phone.
SPEAKER_02No, no self-respecting man knows how to smile, dude. I'm like one of those things we all struggle with, just like so.
SPEAKER_06Now I'm like, okay, I'm gonna look taller and thinner here. So I put my head up like this, dude. And I'm all baked and shit, and my fucking eyes are all.
SPEAKER_00That's your problem 90% of the time.
SPEAKER_06And then I carry go.
SPEAKER_00He can't open his eyes, he can't smile.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I don't I cannot smile. Like, I'll try to smile right now. Check this out. It's for real. Okay. I've hidden my teeth.
SPEAKER_02You Chandler smile, dude. Straight Chandler smile.
SPEAKER_06My crooked teeth here, this crooked tooth.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I've never showed my teeth, so it's always a smile, like a frown, kind of, you know. So I'm like, fuck it, man. I'm 50, just my teeth. Fuck it. I'm gonna smile. I don't even want to smile, the tops don't or the ends of my mouth don't go up. So I'm like, okay, let's work on it. I've watched videos on this shit, dude. To enforce it. Like, okay, you're supposed to like smile, raise your eyes, unsmile at your model face. Yeah. I I've done all this shit, so I'm like, some pictures, I'm like I I don't. It's something weird when a camera comes out. I just can't get natural. Like this. You gotta fly on your face.
unknownFuck.
SPEAKER_06See?
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's on my face. Oh my god. That was the most awkward fucking thing. That would be the most funny and you had a freaking fly. And it wouldn't go away.
SPEAKER_05And it would not go away. Because I don't fucking have no emotion. He didn't even know my face changed.
SPEAKER_03I didn't even feel the movement.
SPEAKER_06Here's another real smile. Okay. No, come on.
SPEAKER_00You know, and I notice every time he goes to smile, he goes like this with his head.
SPEAKER_06I don't know how to smile. That's a normal, right? But that's not normal. That's like a here's a normal. I don't know. Now I'm feeling like I got a camera on me. Fuck it. I'm done smiling. I can't smile. I can't laugh.
SPEAKER_02I've been told to smile since I was five. So I just have to.
SPEAKER_06Still working on a laugh too.
SPEAKER_02What's your fake cry?
SPEAKER_06Do you do the I don't know. I haven't cried in.
SPEAKER_00When if you had to fake cry.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, what are you fucking fake crying then?
SPEAKER_00Bro, what if they like you called it Especially enough to have a fake cry, a specific fake cry.
SPEAKER_02You're calling in to work. Great Aunt Gladys died. She was very close.
SPEAKER_03I just need a date.
SPEAKER_02I just haven't had a word, you know.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I haven't fake cried. Maybe when I was a kid. To get out of something. I don't know. But no, no, no.
SPEAKER_00I've never had to fake cry. I got enough real cries. Nope. When's the last time you cried?
SPEAKER_06Oh I'm trying to think. Like cry. Cry. Like sobbing? Because I I got choked up like a couple months ago. Oh, I get choked up all the time, but yeah, but I hate when you have to like getting choked up is like, fuck, man. Even just watching something. Watching a movie and you're like, damn it. But sobbing my eye. But with the the baseball team we talked about, I was choked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't crying. You getting choked up. But the the voice, the frog and the throat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna miss you guys. It's like fuck. But I'm not like crying. When's the last time you cried?
SPEAKER_02I can I think when my grandmother died, dude. I think it was the last time I like it has to be. We loved our grandmother.
SPEAKER_06Thirty years plus since I've cried. Yeah. You need a good cry once in a while. Every now and then. I think.
SPEAKER_02I haven't had one, but little postcoito cry.
SPEAKER_06It's all building up, dude. I'm just gonna come out here and cry one day.
SPEAKER_02Or shoot somebody. I don't know. What do they do? I know I ain't violent.
SPEAKER_03You're gonna come out here and try to try to smile and then start crying.
SPEAKER_06I'm out here laughing and crying.
SPEAKER_03Faking a mood. Yeah. Combo them.
SPEAKER_06Like one of the poo.
SPEAKER_02I know Jen cries all the time, bro. Jen watched the Jen was supposed to go to uh to go do something, and then I called her. I was like, hey, did you leave yet on my way home? And she goes, I couldn't go. And I was like, why? She's like, I watched a movie, and now I'm just done. The rest of it. She was just bawling the whole day over a sad movie. Cries all the time, bro.
SPEAKER_06I was out having a cigar out back, and Wendy comes out and bitching about something stupid. Like, I mean, it was just one of those days. You know, women get days, I guess.
SPEAKER_02I don't know, you were. No, it wasn't about me, dude.
SPEAKER_06It really wasn't. And she just starts crying. I just gave her a hug. I mean, what else can you do? Like, I don't understand how people can just start crying? Crying. But cry babies, bro. Women. Fucking cry babies. Cry fucking babies, man. For nothing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Kate cries.
SPEAKER_02What was the last time you cried, Kate?
SPEAKER_00A couple days ago. Especially being pregnant and this, like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_02All your hormones everywhere start just falling.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, well, I'm not crying anytime too. Soon. I'm gonna learn my Italian. Move on with life here.
SPEAKER_02Vinny graduates high school, gets to college, starts playing ball in college, gets picked up by a scout, and he's opening for the Dodgers. You're sitting there in the stands. Are you crying?
SPEAKER_06Depends on how many runs he gives up. I uh like your boy made it.
SPEAKER_02Boy's living the dream for your dream team.
SPEAKER_06I don't know that that's a different kind of cry. Like there's different kind of cries. There's happy cries. Right. Just emotional breakdown cries. There's just sad cries. I don't I don't really get emotionally cryable. I don't know what the fucking word would be. Right. Like I don't I don't want to cry when I see something that's so I I could feel something. You know, a little tingle, like, oh man, that's sweet.
SPEAKER_02And then a movie sad thing, and you get choked up a little. Oh my goddamn.
SPEAKER_06See, no, I didn't get choked up, but it was fucking one of the sweetest things I ever saw. Uh it was Sunday. Vinny won the championship, and the other team, they got beat up pretty good. And the coach and his kid were parked at three spots from us. Right. And there's no cars in between us, you know. We're just sitting right there, I'm drinking my 805, having a fucking stogie, like, fuck yeah, dude. All our kids are coming up and fucking hugging them, fucking high-fiving, yeah, dude. And I'd look over and this kid's fucking crying, dude. Uh-huh. And his dad, a big bear, just big, bigger dude, you know, big belly, big, big dude, you know. Big big guy, yeah. Fucking grabs his son, and his son wrapped his arms around his sides, and they embraced for over a straight minute with no break. I mean, they were hugging. I'm sitting over and dude. See, see, now that's what I'm saying. Guys, I was just like, I was so moved by it. You were sentimental, but I went over when they were done, you know, and said, Hey, good, you played fucking awesome kid. Yeah, yeah. Keep your head up, man. He gave me like a handshake and then a bro five. And I told his dad, I'm like, I just watched that whole thing, and that was touching, man. That's that's the best part of doing all this shit, you know. Yeah, I bet he's gonna be able to do that. You just embraced your boy like that. I was fucking awesome. He's like, thanks, man.
SPEAKER_00If it was you and Vinny, you'd be like, what the fuck's wrong with you? Yelling at him.
SPEAKER_05Hitting him with a belt pussy.
SPEAKER_03He said, When I get home, I'm killing one of your stuffed animals.
SPEAKER_06I would I would I wouldn't laugh, right? That's my fake laugh. You know what I'm faking it now. Um I've given him hugs plenty of times out there. That's part of life, dude, losing. And he'll hug you for five seconds, you know, and that's it. You know, he don't want to be touched or touch you. Does he cry?
SPEAKER_00He has no emotion. Yeah. I feel like he's a robot, huh?
SPEAKER_06No, he cries a lot. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Keep going. They're not stopping next door, are they?
SPEAKER_03I don't know if they are or not. I don't think so.
SPEAKER_06Okay, because her birthday is like yesterday or something. She's 104.
SPEAKER_02It's like a fire department.
SPEAKER_06They're not directly next door?
SPEAKER_02They're not directly next door. No, they they went like a few. One house. Okay.
SPEAKER_06We're good. Mary's okay. Yeah, she's 104. I'm like, fuck, man, we gotta.
SPEAKER_02Dude, that's my neighborhood all the time. We hear ambulances and sirens and stuff all the time because old people. Old folk community, yeah. So like we're like, oh, who got who got got this time?
SPEAKER_06If I start feeling like I'm getting old and not health-wise good, I'm moving right next door to fucking fire station or the hospital. Dude, no joke. I'm moving right down the street.
SPEAKER_02Like, hey man, hey, we're next door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start calling every day.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Be ready. Yeah, be ready. Here comes a cop.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, there's another cop that just passed, too.
SPEAKER_02Here comes the other one. They're gonna call us a ruckus. What kind of ruckus, sir? Well, if they want beef, just bring the ruckus. Oh shit.
SPEAKER_06Well, we got cops here. What's going on? Hey, we'll be right back. We're gonna take five. Hang on with you, Miss Race. Nope, he's leaving. We're still gonna take five. We'll be right back.
SPEAKER_02We'll still take five. We'll be right back.
SPEAKER_06Welcome back to the show. I feel good. Uh best wishes to the neighbor. Yeah, yeah. But I feel good. How about you?
unknownSo good. I feel good.
SPEAKER_06Okay, I want to hear you do the beginning of this song.
SPEAKER_02Uh that's a hard one. Give me your best. God, it's hard. Oh, yeah, better hear it.
SPEAKER_00Can I hear it one more time?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. Give me a reference, point of reference. One more time. Ready?
unknownWow!
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_06That's all you get.
SPEAKER_07That wouldn't even be that bad.
SPEAKER_06My turn? Yeah. Wow. That was pretty good. Okay.
SPEAKER_02Wow!
SPEAKER_06Little girly. Wrong key.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, little girl. A little high pitched.
SPEAKER_06We'll try it one more time. Ready?
SPEAKER_01I bagger.
SPEAKER_06There we go.
SPEAKER_01Wow. I feel good.
SPEAKER_06You hit you hit it really good at the end.
SPEAKER_02It's dragging a little.
SPEAKER_06Wow! So that more like metal. I thought you were gonna be like, hoo-hoo! I should have done that. Alright, last one, Kate.
SPEAKER_07Wow.
SPEAKER_06Oh man. That's almost like Van Halen or something.
SPEAKER_03That baby came out even to stay like the head poked out a little.
SPEAKER_00I tried to lower my tone.
unknownWow!
SPEAKER_00That was better.
SPEAKER_01That was more spot on.
SPEAKER_00One more.
SPEAKER_01What am I gonna rock so?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06So I feel good. Everything good? Everything's good. We got a game here. It's a July birthday game, right? Celebrity. Celebrity birthday. You know the game. Yep. We'll play that here uh as soon as we get our notepads. Yep. But last thing with the baby, because she's having this baby still.
SPEAKER_02God, the baby's been here forever, bro.
SPEAKER_06I know. She's supposed to have it uh She's had it like last episode.
SPEAKER_03Last episode. Shh.
SPEAKER_06So I think I could have a baby, dude. Past it hard. No, I don't want to. I think I could, though.
SPEAKER_02Like you physically?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like. No. Well, not through my dick.
SPEAKER_03No, no.
SPEAKER_06I mean, you think you can handle the pain?
SPEAKER_02Yes. No. What do you mean no? No. No. Women go through something more intense, more body changing.
SPEAKER_06You've been raised by women.
SPEAKER_02No, I was in a house of all boys.
SPEAKER_06Your women influenced you to think that it's harder than it is.
SPEAKER_02No, but I did make this argument to Jen once. I told her getting kicked in the balls.
SPEAKER_06A kid's stone is worse than that.
SPEAKER_02No, it's again kicked in the balls is worse than uh having a child. She's like, what? You're ridiculous. And I go, I'm sorry. You don't get kicked in the balls and asked to do it again. Yeah, true. I go, women get pregnant?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but you get something out of pregnancy. You don't get anything out of getting kicked in the balls.
SPEAKER_02You get to not feel like a bigger thing. Funny video. That's true too. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But no, couldn't do it. Couldn't handle it.
SPEAKER_06Women tolerate pain at a much higher level is more painful. Um I I know that that's painful. Gout is more painful than childbirth. They say.
SPEAKER_00They, the men?
SPEAKER_06No, I don't think it's men. It's women get gout too, and it look it up. They say gout is more painful than childbirth.
SPEAKER_02I think there are some things that are probably more painful.
SPEAKER_06When I had gout in my knee, I don't think anybody that I know could fucking handle it. I mean, I could see you die, you'd just be like fucking kill me.
SPEAKER_01Like I'm dead.
SPEAKER_06Like it is so painful for that flare-up, you know, it's a few hours of that. But I would say that's childbirth. I I could handle the pain. You know, like okay, like passing a peanut through your dick hole would be about the equivalent, wouldn't you think? Is it weird? A baby through the vagina, a peanut through the peehole?
SPEAKER_02No. No? No. A marble? No, you're talking about being dilated maybe tops, what is it, six centimeters? Seven or centimeters? Twelve.
SPEAKER_00What?
SPEAKER_02What? No. Ten or twelve. Ten. Ten. Is the max. You kind of get dilated. Yeah. And then a ten centimeter thing for a twelve. A bigger ass head. I don't know. It's not that.
SPEAKER_00Well, no, no, no. But you gotta think it's going through the cervix, which is literally like closed. Like, yeah. No. Like you can't even stick your finger in it. Yeah. If it's not dilated.
SPEAKER_06Well, I've got something bigger than a finger in there.
SPEAKER_02I'm like, have you ever taken your worst biggest dump? Like that's the only thing I can equate to.
SPEAKER_06I've taken, yeah.
SPEAKER_03You're sitting there sweating, going, oh.
SPEAKER_06You fucking leg shaking, dude. Like, you know. Like, fuck, man. You're sweating and shit. You're taking your shirt off.
SPEAKER_03You take his shirt. Yeah, you're like. You bust the George Costanza, you take his shirt off.
SPEAKER_06Yes, I've had one of them shit. I feel that's that's childbirth, right? I named him. Marcus. Floater. Marcus Floater. But I I I I feel I can have a baby. You not you? Nope. Nah.
unknownNope.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I would.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, remember when we did that period pain simulator?
SPEAKER_06Oh yeah. That is not that's not accurate because I had a short. It was zapping me, not like it was they had it like the wire was touching my body or something because it wasn't like a you know, it was more like, ow! Dude, it it was fucking burning me. I'm just saying.
SPEAKER_02Women deal with the level of pain, bro. I don't think we'll ever understand.
SPEAKER_06I think we deal with a level of pain. Be a fucking man, dude. Nope.
SPEAKER_02We're over we're overly emotional.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, if I get a cold, I'm really bad, dude.
SPEAKER_02We are we are over overreactive and we're over emotional.
SPEAKER_06No, I'm fine with a cold, but if I get the flu, I moan. Oh my god, dude. COVID was the worst one. COVID right now.
SPEAKER_02COVID, I was like dying, bro.
SPEAKER_06Oh, no one's even in the room. Like I'm trying to impress nobody. I'm just like moaning to somebody.
SPEAKER_02It sucks. Yep.
SPEAKER_06But then it's the worst.
SPEAKER_02No, dude. Hungover for me is the worst one when you're sitting in the bed shaking and you're trying to drink the Gatorade, but you're like, dude, I I get hungover and I haven't got that hung over in a long time.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I think the last time was um I'll get up and not see straight for a day, but not shaking.
SPEAKER_02No, we got hungover bad. What was it?
SPEAKER_06But I can't act like that, dude, because Wendy doesn't like me even drinking.
SPEAKER_00So you gotta prove a point. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I gotta be like, hey, we're gonna be like, we're going to the movies. Yeah. Alright. Fuck pickle today, huh?
SPEAKER_01I'm in.
SPEAKER_06I go out and fucking flatten my tires in the car. Bummer. We're taking a nap.
SPEAKER_02No, dude, I'll do the and it's so funny because with Jen and I, it's always one or the other one doesn't get hungover. Have you ever noticed that? Like you've been with somebody long enough that like, especially if you're both drinkers, like one does or one doesn't. Yeah. Even if we're both, even if we're both at a party and we take an Uber home together, she wakes up, oh, I'm fine this morning. I'm like, or she'll fucking Ivy. Yeah, and then and I know she's hungover when she gets up, like, she'll get up early. She sleeps in late, but she'll get up early to be like, oh my god, I can't do this. And then she'll start napping all day. And it's finally like four o'clock where she wakes up, she's like, What are we eating?
SPEAKER_06I'm like, hey, we missed the hike that you said at two in the morning.
SPEAKER_03Our friends can't the one that our friends came by for.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I am the worst, man. I make crazy plans after midnight. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm the guy that's, dude, fucking pickleball courts are open at like seven. Let's let's fucking get there, bro. We'll go do a tournament there, you know, and then just put your phone on silent. No, no, dude. God, you want to hike to fucking Glassford Hill tomorrow?
SPEAKER_05Okay, if you can stupidest fucking plans.
SPEAKER_00But I'm the person who always wants to follow through with the plans. I'm always still down for the plans.
SPEAKER_02Okay. I mean, you survive the hangover enough to have breakfast. What's your hangover meal? Have we done this before?
SPEAKER_06Kind of. Kind of. Um if I'm eating, I I try to eat some kind of grease.
SPEAKER_02I think everybody has their greasy thing.
SPEAKER_06You gotta get some kind of bacon and with a bloody Mary, and if that's not an option, I just choke down my food and take a shower and try to feel better, dude.
SPEAKER_02Dude, the shower. The shower after a hangover.
SPEAKER_06Now this is coming back. I think you like Coca-Cola.
SPEAKER_02Yes. I yeah, so we did talk about this. Yeah. Coke and ramen or Coke and a greasy. But we haven't talked about it. It's a brand new podcast. I mean, we've never talked about this before. Yeah. Coca-Cola, greasy food, ramen's usually good. Ramen?
SPEAKER_06I didn't sometimes I just can't eat, dude.
SPEAKER_02Like You know, if I can get a soda down of Coke, it just makes me feel better.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. And people, everyone hair of the dog. Fuck, dude, I'm 52. I'm not hair and dogging all the time.
SPEAKER_02I've always hair of the dog in the instantly makes me feel better. A hair of a dog does make me feel better. So bloody merry if I.
SPEAKER_06I'm not saying it doesn't make me feel better. It's just I don't typically party on is that hair? No. I don't really party like uh I'll party Friday and Saturday. Right. But Sunday I need to chill. So if I'm hung over Sunday, I can't just start drinking because that just gets me going. Yeah, I feel better. And you're gonna ruin Monday. Fuck, I'm gonna ruin Monday, Tuesday, and maybe a little bit of Wednesday. Yeah. You know, like that'll turn to a hangover. That's maybe why I don't hair the dog anymore. Because yeah, back in the day, it was like start up again. Yeah. Now it's like, ah, dude, it's a good day to write it out. Watch the Prados. Something like that.
SPEAKER_02What's your hangover mail?
SPEAKER_00Um sleep.
SPEAKER_02You're like having a baby.
SPEAKER_06Cocaine.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I don't really have one.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_06I don't just get up and eat. Just get up and hit a meth pipe.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_06Harsh. Everyone's got their thing. No, she does not do the meth.
SPEAKER_03All right. July birthday games. Anyways. Anyways, July birthday games.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, well, you know. It's honest, you know. I think I can have a baby. That was the point. And if you can't, you're a pussy.
SPEAKER_03We'll see how Kate does.
SPEAKER_06Well, they're taking it out. Which I don't like.
SPEAKER_00Getting cut open.
SPEAKER_06Because you know, it's like, oh cool, it's the easy way out.
SPEAKER_00It's not though.
SPEAKER_06Whatever. It's the easy way out. I don't have to push and do all the shit. But also that's your chance of dying.
SPEAKER_02No, your recovery is also not.
SPEAKER_06It's awful. I don't know statistics, but I would think more people die from that than natural.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but if so it scares me in my mind, I'm like, as someone who has habit dissection, should I cry?
SPEAKER_02Or should I laugh? No, it's I don't know. It's a procedure.
SPEAKER_00I have more of a chance of dying if I like because I've already had a but even the first one, it's like, man, I that's not how you have babies.
SPEAKER_06Like I could have a baby like that for sure. Oh, does that change having a baby? A C-section. Where they just cut it and take it.
SPEAKER_02That's what you call uh what do you call you could definitely do that.
SPEAKER_06Like getting your sis removed, right?
SPEAKER_02There's uh uh what do you call uh gold star gay guys? Gold star gay guys are ones that have never slept with a woman, right? Maybe they're confused after that. But a platinum gay guy is one that wasn't even born through a vagina, they were born through a C-section.
SPEAKER_06So she's a platinum platinum Lucy?
SPEAKER_02Well, no, because if it's a girl, it it's lesbian, it doesn't no, it applies only for gay guys because you've never a gay term. Yeah, because you've never got these gay terms. I know you've never touched a vagina. Oh, because I'm a little gay.
SPEAKER_06Oh, so you've never touched a vagina. Right. Okay.
SPEAKER_02So that's why they're platinum because they never even they never even came out of one. Gold star gay guys are ones that have never slept with a woman, but were born.
SPEAKER_06But a platinum is never even touched a platinum. Never even touched a vagina because he came out C-section. Wow. See, you think you don't learn shit on this show?
SPEAKER_02You learn. I never knew that. You learn a ton of stuff.
SPEAKER_06Alright. But a C-section, do you think that's you can have that? Just grow a baby and they cut it out.
SPEAKER_02No, I'm a I'm a baby to pain, bro.
SPEAKER_06Dude, do you have women that are listening to this show?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_06No? No. You're just I'm just brainwashed.
SPEAKER_00Eight weeks after a c-section, like the whole recovery time, is fucking hell. It is so, so bad and painful.
SPEAKER_06She's trying to do that to set me up to like you gotta help me for eight weeks.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no.
SPEAKER_06I that's what she's doing.
SPEAKER_00I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_06You can understand what I'm saying, right?
SPEAKER_00No, but I'm saying you're you're saying that I'm taking the easy way out when I would rather not have a C-section.
SPEAKER_06Why didn't you do it the first time?
SPEAKER_00Because it was an emergency, it wasn't my choice. I've told you that five times in the last week.
SPEAKER_06I was there. No, you weren't. I was. I was fucking there. Who are you talking about? I wasn't.
SPEAKER_00You didn't okay. You weren't there when the doctor said to me, Hey, we have to get you an emergency C-section in the next 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_06But I was there when you're like, I ain't pushing.
SPEAKER_00I couldn't push. I wasn't dilating.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, well, whatever. That's why it was an emergency. Well, good luck to you and your baby. Hey, July birthday games.
SPEAKER_05But it did.
SPEAKER_06Nah, I could have a baby. Um my gosh. I could though.
SPEAKER_02You have a pen over there?
SPEAKER_06Alright, hey. We need to get our boards. Let's get our boards together. We got uh July birthday games. So you get the boards. Um I want to tell you about the World Cup soccer.
SPEAKER_02Oh, dude, fun. Oh, you've been watching? Fun. Uh yeah, yeah, on and off. Like we go to tailgators and watch a game. I'm more off and on. Here off and on, yeah.
SPEAKER_06You know, because like I watch USA for fun. Right. We lost. Did we? Really? We're out? No. We're not out. We got we're up for an elimination game now, but okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I think we still Yeah, no, I heard Mexico's doing good. Uh we beat the the Czechs last week, didn't we? No. We were talking about Mexico.
SPEAKER_06Oh, you're Mexico. Fuck. I'm never breaking out that laugh again, man.
SPEAKER_05You don't want to be like dick. This is an Italian.
SPEAKER_06This is an Italian episode.
SPEAKER_03You're gonna be like, woo-hoo.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I should be like, woohoo.
SPEAKER_03Bibbity babbity.
SPEAKER_06Okay, if I add the ah to it. Um, we lost Kate. So yeah, I'm going for USA, and I I hope we win.
SPEAKER_02Did we talk about how like a lot of people are all about our country now?
SPEAKER_06Dude, yeah, they love that shit.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, people are having ranch withdrawals, bro. Like, people are going to other country smuggling bottles of ranch.
SPEAKER_06Smuggling fucking bottles of ranch.
SPEAKER_02Ranch. It's like they're like, America has crack and it's called ranch. Like, and okay, so sidebar while we're waiting for Kate. Yeah. I love restaurant ranch that doesn't water it down. Cause you'll get those restaurants that'll water down their damn ranch, but you'll get the ones like like Park Plaza, dude, uh uh Roberts Market. They don't water down that you get this thick ranch.
SPEAKER_06I love that, dude. Remember we were you guys shit on me because I don't eat ranch.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_06And I've tried it since then. What do you think? You guys, it's okay. Dude.
SPEAKER_02It just kind of So you blue cheese when you wings?
SPEAKER_06No, no, no. I don't I do nothing. You do nothing for wings? I use uh wing sauce.
SPEAKER_02No, uh you you do wing sauce and you dip it in ranch. I don't dip it in shit.
SPEAKER_05I will even grant you the the the the blue cheese. You dip it in blue cheese. Well, because you're trying to fucking mask the hotness. No, because oh, that's true too.
SPEAKER_06That's what you're doing, is cooling it down. It's just fucking cooling it down. Valid point. I want the flavor of a fucking wing.
SPEAKER_02Valid point.
SPEAKER_06I tried to bring this up last time, but you and Jeff shit on me. I know. Okay. So hard. You jump on the Jeff train through the. Yeah, and I'm like, I just don't want but I like the flavor of the fucking wheat.
SPEAKER_02It's like hot ones. When they do hot ones, you get no ranch or the flavor of the shit.
SPEAKER_06Right. But I did try some. I don't know, something about it. I'm getting way better, but something about it kind of like.
SPEAKER_03It's the milky. I don't know. And I like the milky.
SPEAKER_06Do you like sour cream? I I'm getting a lot better. I put sour cream on my Mexican pizza last week. Oh yeah. And I put it on from Taco Bell? No. That uh Mexican restaurant out in Dewey. Casaperez. Casaperez.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Alright, but it's right by my drop-off. Drop off spot.
SPEAKER_02Where you switch the tracks.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, where I switched tracks. Yeah, yeah. That was my old job. Yeah, yeah. Is when I did that.
SPEAKER_02When you did steam.
SPEAKER_06But it was right there. So, you know, dude, you order a beer. They're like, you know, what do they usually say? What what size beer do you want? You want a 12 or it's 16 or 22 ounce. This is do you want 64 ounce or it was literally a 32 ounce beer. It was like a fucking pitcher of beer. It takes two hands to drink. I like that. I have to hold the bottom. Because it's so full that if you just hold it, it seems to tilt. So you use the bottom, your left hand for the bottom. Right. I'm drinking a fucking beer like this. I'm like, this is massive. It's like a pitcher of beer. Of course, it's 10 bucks.
SPEAKER_02We go to uh scores and get a pitcher of beer. It's our pictures are awesome, man.
SPEAKER_06Dude, pictures are great. Back in the day, like, you want a glass? No! Everyone had their own small pictures.
SPEAKER_02Scum dances. Scum dances used to give you the little pictures, and they're like, You want a cup? And you're like, ridiculous? Yeah. The small pictures. Small pictures are like 32 ounces. Yeah, since that. It's a big beer. Bolin Alley, they're like, You want pictures for that? I'm like, no, this is for me.
SPEAKER_06Why would I want a glass? Alright, what do we got here, Kate?
SPEAKER_00Alright, we got celebrity birthdays coming up here in July.
SPEAKER_06Okay. We're guessing your celebrity birthday.
SPEAKER_02We're guessing uh age. And we know the rules.
SPEAKER_06You go over what they're what they're turning. And within Well, if we tie, whoever goes over loses. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Okay. First up, we got Corey Feldman.
SPEAKER_06Oh, fucking C Dog.
SPEAKER_00C Dog 22.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna have to go this.
SPEAKER_06Wait, wait, wait. I'm changing my answer already. Keep it going, member Kate. Don't just sit there.
SPEAKER_00Oh, sorry.
SPEAKER_06Talk and say what movies he was in. Give us some. I don't know what movies he was in.
SPEAKER_00Are you kidding me?
SPEAKER_02Okay, so we have Cory Fillman who was a nice little film that we all like. What's that vampire one?
SPEAKER_06You know.
SPEAKER_01Cry little sister.
SPEAKER_05Call the Lost Boys. Yeah. It's worms, Michael.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_06Oh, dude, that was good. Refill it, alright? I got my answer.
SPEAKER_02Gotcha. I got mine.
SPEAKER_06I got 55.
SPEAKER_02I'm going 58.
SPEAKER_0055.
SPEAKER_06That's one. You you won on the last one. I just put it up and we tied on the last answer. Really? But I was over. Uh. We're like, ah, time. Oh, wait, I went over, so you won that. So technically I won. Technically I won. Well, no, it's not technically. You you won. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you.
SPEAKER_00What was that?
SPEAKER_06That just happened to me.
SPEAKER_00That just happened in the last age game.
SPEAKER_06Oh, yeah, that's what it was.
SPEAKER_00If you don't give it to me, I already won.
SPEAKER_06Well, because I I played the episode. She went, I played the episode for Wendy to let her play the game. Yeah. And I went. She understood the rules because I really explained them way too much. Overly. And uh but you go, Oh, okay, yeah, I'll give that to you. And we start laughing. I'm like, and fucking Wendy's like, giving it to you. You just learn the rules, and here you go again. Let's go. That wasn't what I was gonna say. I thought I would shut up. Cool story, bro. No, when you realize you better just shut up.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, oh, this is cool story.
SPEAKER_00Alright, next up we got Daniel Radcliffe.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that fucker's gotta be. Changing that again. Star of the Harry Potter film?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well, sorry, I can't forget because I'm thinking about my. What are you thinking about?
SPEAKER_06You don't have to fucking think of the answer. It's already there for you. Jeez. Think about hey, yeah, he was Harry Potter's Army Swiss man. That was a good one.
SPEAKER_02Did you see that? Uh have you seen Guns of Kimbo?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_02It's one where he's a guy that wakes up, or he's part of this contest where he wakes up and he's got guns bolted to his hands.
SPEAKER_06Dude, he likes the weird shit.
SPEAKER_02Oh, dude, he likes those weird movies. He's a good actor.
SPEAKER_06I love him. He was in this movie with this weird dude, get shows up on an island and finds.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, Paul Dino.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that Paul Dino, and he finds his body. Finds his body, but he's dead. But he's got gas in him still. He works like a Swiss Army knife. So he's using him as like a jet ski because that gas is coming out. He's farting and dude. It's wild. There's no talking. But he could do all kinds of shit. He's alive in the guy's mind. But he's just nuts because he's go check out Swiss Army. Swiss Army, man. I got 44 on Ratcliffe. 38?
SPEAKER_0037. Oh.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's one for Abe.
SPEAKER_06Man.
SPEAKER_02He's younger than me for sure. Because I remember going to high school on day.
SPEAKER_06Harry Potter? Way younger. Dumb. Alright.
SPEAKER_00Alright, next up, Kevin Bacon. Ooh. Baconator. And I don't know what he was in.
SPEAKER_02Foot loose. Alright, God. Come on, really. Kevin Bacon. There's a game called Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon. Because any movie you can think of, you can link the actors in that movie to Kevin Bacon within six movies. Kevin Bacon is huge. Kevin Bacon, Jesus Christ. What are you teaching your children, dude?
SPEAKER_06I nothing, apparently.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm not a I'm not a movie person. You know that.
SPEAKER_02Kevin Bacon. Jesus Christ. Okay.
SPEAKER_06I'm in. I'm going with that. Okay. What do you got? You go first this time. 68. Kevin Bacon. I said 65.
SPEAKER_0068. Oh, that's a dinger.
SPEAKER_06Shit, he's up too. Yeah, buddy. 2-1, right? 2-1, buddy. 2-1. All right.
SPEAKER_00Alright, next up we got Tom Green.
SPEAKER_02Tom Green, star of the Tom Green show.
SPEAKER_06I got He's a trip, man. Like he went through some that weird ass date. Freddie got fingered. What a fucking great movie. Jed loves that movie.
SPEAKER_00Save the day.
SPEAKER_02Jen.
SPEAKER_06Save the day.
SPEAKER_01Freddie, do you want some sausage?
SPEAKER_00Dude, so good. And now he's like living in like Alaska or some something with on a farm. He's a trip. I I like him.
SPEAKER_02I love him. I loved him in uh Road Trip.
SPEAKER_06Yep, another good one. Great movie. That pops up all the time. I just love that. Recommended for you, Road Trip. Great movie. Because I watched it five times.
SPEAKER_02That Euro trip. Okay. You go first.
SPEAKER_06I got 56 on Tom Green. 58 for Tom Green.
SPEAKER_00He's turning 55.
SPEAKER_02I'm back. I'm back. My bum is on your lips.
SPEAKER_06My bum is on your lips.
SPEAKER_00He's turning the same age as Sea Dog.
SPEAKER_06Dude, when fucking Harlan breaks, I'm not even wearing the right shoes. He goes on that ramp they've been working on, and Freddie got fingered. His fucking shin bone snaps out. And he's down on the ground licking it. And Riptorin, his dad, remember uh was it Rip Torn? Or the dad comes out and he's like, What the fuck are you idiots doing? And he's down there licking his fucking bone.
SPEAKER_02Dude, no, uh uh uh Brian Cox. Not Brian Cox. No, no, it's not Brian Cox. It is Rip Torn.
SPEAKER_06No, Riptorin was the fruity dude that's No, it was Yes. No, Rip Torn.