Growing Up Bisexual in the Bible Belt

This is me chronicling growing up in the Midwest Bible Belt and discovering that I was queer. It's a story told through movies and music and the media I was exposed to at the time that helped shape me and my sexuality.

My goal through telling these stories is sharing experiences, commiserating with others who grew up the same, hopefully making 1 single person laugh, maybe HAH

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Transcript

It’s 1995, Casper is released. Most girls are absolutely losing their minds over Devon Sawa…and let’s be so fucking forreal, I was too cause that boy was beautiful. But then there’s something else about that movie. Something I didn’t really know how to explain to anyone. And not just something, someone. Christina Ricci. 

Now in the past I had experienced subtle stirrings in the way of realizations, especially since I was basically allowed to watch and do whatever I wanted at my grandma’s house, my dad’s mom and her second husband as well as I had been exposed to very inappropriate things by other kids I was around. I had unfiltered, unrestricted access to cable, as late as I wanted and my grandparents had subscriptions to one of the premium cable networks, HBO I think, so of course I’d seen lots of titties and quite a bit of generalized nudity and wasn’t really phased by it because it’s like ok those are boobs, I’m gonna have them and so do like all women. But there was something about the way she talked or carried herself that made me feel just a little bit differently.

And it wasn’t just Casper, that’s the year that Now and Then came out as well. And when I tell you that was the beginning of a lifelong obsession with A. Thora Birch and B. female-led empowerment ensemble movies. Yeah, yeah Fried Green Tomatoes and Mystic Pizza were around but honestly nothing compared to watching Christina Ricci tape down her chest and then punch out a boy. It spoke to my little tomboy heart.

Now, at this time my mom was not out yet so she just presented as a pretty butch woman and not necessarily a butch lesbian yet, so I wasn’t uncomfortable with wearing more masc clothes and shoes and hairstyles and literally everything because that’s pretty much all my mom knew at the time and it’s just easier to go with what you know than try to learn to be girly because you have 2 daughters. Get it, totally. 

Seeing Christina Ricci as this beautiful girl who also didn’t act girly or wear anything girly was something that really spoke to me because the only time I was really girly was when I was with my grandmas, who both kind of treated me as a small doll, especially before my sister was born. 

Now this isn’t isolated whatsoever, as time went on there were so many, many, MANY more of these “awakenings” HAH also in 1995 was Clueless which was most of our first introduction to the amazing, SO MISSED, and incredibly talented Brittany Murphy. Who, come on, was literally a goddess on Earth with a perfect face beautiful hair! 

Now there are quite a few movies and shows that came out during this time that TOTALLY would have been awakenings for me EXCEPT I wasn’t exposed to them or just didn;t see them until I was older. IE Romeo + Juliet, Waterworld, and The Fifth Element, which features my SciFi Queen Mila who could honestly have her own episode dedicated to how I spent my teenage years imagining that her and I would save civilization from the Umbrella Co.. This phase is only eclipsed by my infatuation with Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux and how we were going to save civilization from an eternity of cloning. (I’m sorry if you’ve never seen either of these movies and you have no idea what I’m even talking about.) 

Being that I was I raised by a closeted lesbian, a very mentally-ill narcissist, and a wonderful woman who could only be described as June Cleaver (this is in reference to my mom’s mom, who if you’re a TikTok follower, you know of because she’s the majestic lady who has a headshot on my fridge in the background of so many of my videos.) I was incredibly confused as an adolescent and as such I went through just about every phase you could think of.

Around 1998, 99, and Y2K; I was heavy into MK&A, which for the normal humans is Mary Kate and Ashley and I know what you’re thinking, “of course you were, I bet you had a crush on them.” I, in fact, did not. But I did however simp hard over all their besties in the movies/shows. Especially the Australian one and Passport to Paris (which also features a boy who helped me realize I was actually Pansexual which we will address a little later). 

1998 was also the year that a movie that would forever change mine and so many other little millennial girls for the rest of our lives: Practical Magic. First of all, Evan Rachel Wood. That woman…she gets her own section so just hold on for a minute. But also SUPER young and amazingly charismatic and enamoring, Nicole Kidman and the just pure mommy-witch-badassery of Sandra Bullock. If you weren’t permanently altered to believe that you were also a witch from a deep blood line of other witches (which for me was hilarious because I’m one of two sisters, my grandma was one of two sisters, and her sister had 2 girls, so I was CONVINCED this was a thing in my family) then what were you actually doing with your preteen self at the time? 

1998 was also the year of the Parent Trap with LiLo (which my sister and I basically started a religion around) and also Man in the Iron Mask with Leo looking very femme and once again making me question which kind of people I’m actually attracted to. 

1999 was probably the biggest year for me when it comes to releases of movies that made me realize I was absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, nowhere near heterosexual and honestly movies in general. I would venture to say that 1999 is one of the greatest years in cinematic history. I’m just gonna rapid fire on these because…well, you’ll see. 

Jawbreaker, Virgin Suicides (which may be the focus of a future episode), Girl, Interrupted, 10 Things I Hate About You, Cruel Intentions, She’s All That, Never Been Kissed, American Beauty (yes, I know. GROSS. But if we ignore that piece of shit and focus on Thora Birch…yes. Yes we can do that.) Blast from the Past (like hello Alicia AND Brendan, that movie itself is an awakening) Boondock Saints, The Green Mile, Big Daddy, Wild Wild West, The Sixth Sense, Austin Powers, THE MUMMY & SMART HOUSE & ZENON FOR FUCKS SAKE!. (all of these I legitimately consider to be some of my favorite movies honestly. 10TiHAY is probably my 2nd most quoted movie.)

Now this was also during my fervent pop music phase. I was a hardcore Spice Girls fan when I was younger but this was much more serious. This was Britney and Christina and B*Witched and A*Teens and Peak JLO and Destiny’s Child and Aaliyah. This was the pinnacle of beautiful women dancing and singing at me before TikTok came about. 

2000 and 2001 were full of belly shirts and low rise jeans and me discovering that women’s pelvic bones were VERY attractive to me. At 11 years old, I was absolutely enamored by pop stars, partly because pop music makes my heart beat and also because….have you seen pop stars from Y2K era? Exsqueeze me? They are actual Bratz dolls!! 

In 2001, Moulin Rouge was released and my mom’s mom was instantly like “oh I’m getting that” so I of course watched it and was completely in love immediately. Nicole Kidman singing on that swing and then the way she was flirting with Ewan McGregor. I was done for. That year Donnie Darko was also released and WHOOOOOO man. Drew Barrymore in that movie…she’s so gorgeous and perfect. And then Jena Malone, swoon. The Gylenhall Siblings. UGH OMG. Still one of my favorite things to ever exist.

So 2002 wasn’t much in the way of movies that really affected me except My Big Fat Greek Wedding because Nia Vardalos is a goddess. But it was the year that my soul sister and biggest musical icon came onto the scene as the first and original American Idol (I will not argue this. She was the first and most important.) I have seen this majestic woman live 6 times, once with Reba…that was actual magic might I say. 

Now I know by now you’re like why the fuck is this all about movies and music? Well, up until around 2001, I had no exposure to anything except movies and music and the tiny space of the internet that existed so that’s what we are basing this experience on. Around 2001 was when my mom came out and then for the next year her parents kind of shunned her and then after that she finally started to be herself. She met her first girlfriend (who was very toxic and bad for my mom) and started playing football around that time. When my mom started playing football, it was for a mostly LGBTQ league that played in Forest Park and would have team meetings at the most popular, most well-known Lesbian bar in St. Louis. So that, alone, was the opening of a whole new world for me. My mom had no idea that I was even into girls at all and therefore put this nametag on me that said “I’m Janice. I’m 13. And I like boys.” because everyone we were meeting were adult, gay women and I was an overdeveloped 13 year old who definitely would not have argued if one of them had tried to hit on me (I have RAGING daddy issues and around this time I was engaging in very unsafe behavior online that had not manifested itself in the real world and I’m glad this wasn’t the very unfortunate time for it to do so).

Next year, 2003, was the year I got into Evanescence and then began my still continuing foray into harder music. I, of course, was in love with Amy Lee just like everyone else was at the time. I started to dress a lot darker, straighten my hair (with a curling iron mind you, I didn’t have a straightener until I moved into my grandmas house) and wear dark eye makeup that got me into trouble with my mom. This was also the year that my mom met my stepmom and they began dating. They have now been together for almost 20 years and I adore my stepmom, she saved my mom’s life and maybe one day I will be able to tell that story. 

In 2004, we moved in with my stepmom and I started high school. I had met my closest friends in the last year, people I stayed friends with for most of my high school time. Everyone was either emo, scene, skater, or goth. I was now surrounded by all these different people, a lot of the girls in our group openly identified as bisexual so now I was able to also without all my friends immediately thinking that I was going to be attracted to them or worse that I was going to try something. (To set the record straight, the only person I had experimented with by this time was the one person who no one would have ever suspected as she was a brand new student in middle school and was very quiet. All of my sexual experiences after my molestation at 3 and up until my subsequent rape that was my first time at 15, were with a female of my own age with no pressure, grooming, or shame involved. We were both enthusiastic participants. Yes we were super young but we weren’t doing anything inherently dangerous or unsafe as we couldn’t get each other pregnant and neither of us was sexually active with anyone else. Just to set some shit straight before anyone asks questions or assumes.) I hadn’t been open with my sexuality because when my mom came out when I was in fifth grade and I, stupidly, trusted another 10 year old with that information, she went and told everyone in our school and I instantly became the laughing stock because kids are stupid and they would go around saying since my mom is gay so am I. Well they were kind of right on that but being gay in the midwest in the late 90’s/early 2000’s was basically a death sentence so there was no way I was going to be forthcoming with that information until I knew I wasn’t going to get my ass beat or mercilessly made fun of. I wasn’t ashamed at all of my mom and never once have been, but I also wasn’t going to put myself in the situation where I would have no friends anymore since my sister and I have never been close in our life, I would have been totally alone.

2004 was a big year for me. It’s when social media REALLY took off. Like it was around before then but this is when MySpace, LiveJournal, Xanga, STLPunk (which was a local site but was HUGE around this area) all got huge. I met my first girlfriend on STLPunk. She was the first person I ever met online that I then met IRL. It was terrifying of course. She was this gorgeous, tiny little blonde goth who was obsessed with Kill Hannah and David Bowie. Her mom was super cool and let us do whatever we wanted so I met her at the mall that was near her house, she lived about 15 minutes away and went to one of the all girls Catholic schools in the area. That should have been the first red flag. We went to her house and it’s totally dark. Covered in tapestries. Theres about 25 candles all over it and fairy lights hanging from every corner. She had one of those canopy beds that we all dreamed about and it had lights hanging all around it. I was in heaven. I stayed the night there and we dyed my hair black. At the mall we had stolen gauges from Hot Topic and a pentagram necklace from Spencers. When I went back to my dad’s mom’s house, I probably didn’t even look like the same kid. I had stretched my lobes, donned jet black locks (which honestly I don’t know why everyone even freaked out on that because I have super dark brown hair naturally and it was not even that far off from my natural hair color at the time.), a pentagram pendant, some Tripp shorts my grandma had bought me the previous weekend, and a black wife beater. I went home to my moms in the same outfit and what then transpired is one of the most vivid memories I have from my teenage years.

It’s my moms townhouse, I walk into the front door and the stairs to mine and my sisters room is directly in front of me. I walk up to our room and immediately close the door, hoping to take everything off as fast as possible so I can hide everything to wear the next time I’m not around them. 

My stepmom walks in and screeches. And I really mean screech. She does this a lot. 

“WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR? WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR EARS? WHY ARE YOU WEARING SATAN JEWELRY?”

And then, with I’m sure I remember correctly fire coming out of her ears she screams as she rips the pentagram off my neck “JESUS LIVES IN THIS HOUSE!!!!” And storms out of the room.

This was the one and only time my stepmom has honestly ever yelled at me. We are best friends and incredibly close and I respect the fuck out of her and love her immensely but I was so fucking upset.

I let them cool down for awhile and then told them about my weekend and spending time with my girlfriend, Sam. My mom’s head about explodes and she yells, “GIRLFRIEND!! What do you mean girlfriend? You don’t like girls and even if you do, you aren’t to be going places and staying the night with them.”

Which ok, yes that was stupid and totally disrespectful of me but honestly, I’d much rather my daughter (which I have one, yes thanks.) stay the night with a girlfriend than a boyfriend. Let’s just be so fucking forreal right now. Think about the way this country is right now. But I get where my mom was coming from, now. At the time, I was crushed. I felt defeated and humiliated and dismissed and confused. I didn’t understand why it was ok for them but not for me. Especially because they themselves were so much happier being with each other than without. I saw how much love they had between them and just didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have that too.

Freshman year was also the year I met and lost one of the most special people I’ve ever met. I was walking down the hall talking to my friend Tiffany, the only openly gay person I knew from middle school, when her friend Amanda (and since I hate that name so much we will use Lil Blu because that’s what she called herself) walks up. This girl was legit only about 4 foot 11 with bright blonde hair, incredibly bright eyes, and the most loving smile I’d every seen. She was dressed completely in blue from head to toe and this was because Blu was a legit, bled in member of the Crips. She grew up in St. Louis and moved out here with her family to get away from her issues and let’s just say she brought them with her. She was severely mentally ill and her family was very unsupportive of her being gay. She was the first person outside of my family who I rode in a car with, she had a badass Jeep that she had taken the doors off of. She would come up to me when I turned 15 and was working at the Pretzel Time at the mall and she would sing the song “Some Cut” to me and also she LOVED the song “Laffy Taffy” by D4L. We were only friends for about a year before she took her own life. She took almost a whole bottle of pills and died from the ingestion. She did this because her family were so bigoted against her that they were keeping her niece from her and wouldn’t let her see her, which crushed Blu as that was basically her mini me and she had been in her life since the day she was born. I still am not ok with this one. Blu was the first person in my life to commit suicide or die by overdose.

The next couple of years were bad for me as Blu’s death began my deep, intensive depressive spiral. I have always been depressed, I’m clinically depressed as my brain basically just doesn’t naturally make serotonin so I’m just a very melancholy, sad person by nature. But during this time I ramped up my self-harm, tried taking my own life 3 times and was raped by my first serious boyfriend, who was a Juggalo and is the reason I hate ICP and honestly don’t associate with most Juggalo people.

My next bisexual experience wasn’t until senior year and it wasn’t pleasant. I got very, very drunk at an “anything goes but clothes party” and wound up passed out on a bathroom floor in just a pillowcase and UGG boots. I woke up very startled to the same girl I’d been experimenting with in middle school and hadn’t really talked to since then because she became a super popular cheerleader and I was an emo outcast, on top of me fondling me and kissing me. I kept going with it because I was absolutely shit faced and about as close to blackout without crossing the line as you can come. The next thing I know, the bathroom door flies open and every guy we go to school with is in the doorway, with their phones (this was 2008 so yes, phones) out taking pictures of her on top of me and my boobs in her mouth. I was mortified. My sexuality that I’d been fighting with so hard and basically ignoring for the past 3 years was now being used against me and exploited. I never consented to being mounted in a bathroom and having pictures taken of me in a compromising position. I waiting til later in life to do it myself LOL 

After high school, I didn’t hook up with another girl until my almost 30’s. I was traumatized from the bathroom incident and around this time was when all the big legislature for legalization was coming up and it was a scary place to be here in Missouri. It still is for the LGBTQIA community. 

My only goal from sharing all of this is to say that you are seen, I see you. You weren’t alone. I know so many women are just now discovering their true sexuality and what that means to them but I figured it out at a very young age and even then, it didn’t make it much better, you didn’t miss out on much. I’ve still never had a “real” girlfriend because I was so brainwashed and indoctrinated by the patriarchy that I believed that finding a man and getting married was the most important thing in life. To most of us midwestern AFAB, that’s all we know growing up and it’s basically all we are taught. I didn’t realize what I know about myself sexually until I met my husband. That was the key to really unlocking a big part of myself that was dormant for so long after being ridiculed on many different fronts and having people I trusted so much break that or humiliate me. It really sucks that for both men and women, we aren’t given the opportunity to learn as young adults about the different sexualities and relationship types without having to seek this information on your own, and that’s if you even know what to be looking for. 

I didn’t realize I was pansexual until I was in my late 20’s. I realized that I didn’t care who you were, what you identified as, what you were born as, whatever. If I’m attracted to you, I am. I only openly identify as bisexual because people are stupid and make dumb jokes about cookware if you identify as pansexual. I basically only use it in lifestyle groups or around like-minded people. 

But anyways, I love you, you are valid as fuck and matter so fucking much. 

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