The Miracle of EMDR and How it Can Help Process Trauma

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy tool that has been getting a lot of attention lately. Using bi-lateral stimulation, like buzzers buzzing back and forth in your hands, while a trained therapist walks a client through reprocessing trauma can accelerate the recovery from trauma faster than talk therapy alone. Stefanie and her son have experience with it and today she shares how it helped both of them process the death of her father during the height of Covid.

For more information on EMDR you can visit EMDR.com


 

A Podcast for People Raising Tricky Kids

Transcript

  📍 Hello, villagers. And a welcome back to where the F is my village. Stefanie here. Hope everybody's doing well on this Memorial day. Casey. And I just got back from a trip, just the two of us. And I have to say it might be the smartest thing I've ever done. Is coming back on a Friday. When you have a three-day weekend before you have to go back to work. 

It's always really hard when you go on a trip and you get back and have to get up early and go to work the next day. So I do feel like a genius for planning it that way, even though it was sort of accidental. Yep. We basically. We're desperate for the two of us to have a trip. We used to pre COVID as that's how I tell time, these days pre COVID and post COVID, we would go on a trip, just the two of us, even if it was just a weekend away once a year. 

And during COVID. At one point, he and I did go to Florida for a few days. A couple of years ago. So anyway, we were desperate for a vacation. And we were looking at our calendars and trying to figure out where we would put it. And we were like, we need to do it when school was out. And we were looking at the calendar and I have worked meetings. Then he has worked meetings, then it's the 4th of July. And then before, you know, it it's the end of July. And I knew when we planned this vacation that I wasn't going to make it. 

I was going to be too far away. I was desperate for some time, just with him. So the kids get out of school. They finished school on Wednesday. And Casey and I left for Mexico Sunday. It was fantastic. It was like, we made it to the finish line by. Um, So good news, bad news. So like the genius part. 

Um, three-day weekend, like I said, and then it was great to kind of make it to the finish line and leaving. I do have to say like the really hard and stressful part. Was all of the middle of the day, end of the school year activities. That kept springing up. That we were trying to get through and also the planning to leave town. 

Anyone. Who is raising. Little people knows. For me anyway, it's the moms. But I'm sure in some households, it's the dads. The amount of planning involved to be able to hand my children over to someone else is pretty extensive. I remember I won a trip to Germany. Several years ago. Um, through work. 

And so Casey and I decided that we would go do and he got to come with me. We decided to go to Germany. And then we had all of these points that I had accrued. Through work that you could only use on certain things. Anyway, I discovered you could use them on. Hotels in Italy. So anyway, went to Italy. I think we were gone. 

10 days or something. I had to put together a three ring binder of information because it took a team of people. To take over. Well, I essentially do every week. So this trip was a little bit easier. We had our good friend who has nannied for us since the kids were really little, she came, she brought her 18 month old with her and she is. 

Just amazing because to me taking care of my three kids and an 18 month old for a couple days, Really seems like a lot. But she is just so easygoing. And they went and did all kinds of activities. They went to the park. They went to go cheer on for the Ironman. Like they did all of these things that I would have been like, you guys want to hang out here and swim, like, what are we going to do? 

Anyways, she watched him for a couple of days and then I had them signed up for camp. And then my mom just had to take them back and forth to camp. I thought that was really genius. And it was except for the part where I was like, oh my God. They have so many things that I need to get organized for camp and I won't be here. I will be in Mexico. 

So. Two of them were doing a biking camp. So Casey got their bikes ready. I took them to a like tune-up place, because for some reason, like the. Bike chains fall off all the time. I don't know what they're doing, but anyway, they needed. We just need to make sure that if we're going to be in Mexico and they're going to bike camp, that the bikes will work. 

So he did that. And then. I had to go through. What the kids were doing each day. And make sure that if they needed a swimsuit and a towel or they needed to change clothes the day before we left, I realized they needed water shoes. Okay. Oh, well I guess it went okay because they didn't have any. But I had to label their sunscreen and their towels and their shirts and their swimsuits in all of these things. And also I was very worried. 

That it would all get like disheveled in like screwed up while I was gone. Cause I was leaving on a Sunday and they weren't going to camp until Tuesday. Lots of opportunities for this stuff to all get messed up. But I tried my best to put everything in piles. I put their changes of clothes and to Ziploc bags and with their names on them, I labeled all of the sunscreen. I did all of the things. Um, 

The two older boys needed. Camelbacks so got those labeled, had them wash them, did all of the things. Anyway, this is my point, guys. It's so much work to get out of here so that I can have a break that usually at some point I'm like, it isn't worth it. This isn't worth it. We are killing ourselves here. And I have to say. 

Um, And I really pointed this out to Casey multiple times. He did more to get us out the door for this trip than he ever has. And I didn't even have to ask. I can't tell you how many trips we've taken in the past where I had like some kind of meltdown leading up to it. Cause there was so much that needed to get done. 

And this time, like he was doing laundry without me asking he was. I can't remember what the things he was doing, but there were things where I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't even think of that. Thank you for doing that. Um, he was getting stuff prepared. So. It was a much more balanced effort and trying to leave. 

But it's still very stressful, but you know what we managed to get out of here. We got on a plane, we made it to can Kuhn. We didn't have any flight issues on the way there. And we just rested. And there's nothing like a vacation for me to realize how stinking tired I am all the time. I was so tired, but it was great. We were very, very, very, very lazy. 

And we, uh, got a tan and had delicious food and drinks and we have been back. For a couple of days, it was really funny because the kids are able to call us on their iPads. And then my mom took them away because they were calling us at bedtime, like being all weepy. And she would be like, they have been fine all day. So anyway, she took their iPads away. Well, 

One of the last nights we were there. One of the kids called us from his Alexa. You know, you can actually have your echo. Call people. So anyway, they called us and please come home and can you come home right now and all of this? Okay guys, we got home. And the first full day we were home. No one wanted to hang out with us. 

It was a beautiful day. I was like, I'm going to go read by the pool. I guess I just got home from a vacation where that's what I did for five days, but does anybody want to come swim? What are you guys doing? They entertain themselves almost all day. The children. Who tried to guilt trip us our entire trip. I guess they just wanted us in close proximity. And let me tell you, they were living the high life while we were gone. My mom spoils them rotten. 

They got to eat out. They got ice cream, I guess they just wanted us nearby. Because this suit is a matter of fact yesterday. It wasn't until the little boy across the street finally went home. That one of my kids was like, do you want to play a game? And I was like, you only want to play with me because your friend went home. What is the deal? So. 

Um, just, um, I guess when it comes down to it, I am not ranked as the number one playmate, which that is actually a good thing. Okay. Changing gears. Today, we're going to talk about a topic that I firmly believe in. I'm a big advocate for, and it is a type of a therapy process that a lot of people have never heard of. 

So we're going to talk about E M D R therapy. EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization. It's really hard to say. I think that's why they shorten it to EMDR. It's eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing. So therapy I have used, and one of my kids has used and it has been extremely helpful. So I'm going to try to explain what it is. 

And I want any skeptics out there. As I describe how it works to understand that I understand that it doesn't sound like it should work. It sounds pretty. Woo. Woo. And, um, the science is still catching up to it's working. Um, I think the scientists are trying to figure out why it's working. But basically. 

It is a process where if you have PDs PTSD, trauma, and then they're using it in a lot of other situations for like anxiety, depression. Um, things like that. And it's basically a process where. A therapist who's been trained in it. Helps you reprocess. The trauma that happened and they're basically trying to help you take away its emotional power. 

It involves bilateral movement. And bilateral is literally like walking is bilateral left, right. Left. Right. And you combine this bilateral movement. With being guided. Through. Being present actually more like you're watching a movie of the trauma that happened to you. And you reprocess it while experiencing the bilateral movement. 

And. It doesn't remove the memory like this. Isn't eternal sunshine of the spotless mind over here. Like you have all of your memories. None of those are going away. But it magically takes the emotional power. And. 

The emotional reaction to a traumatic event. It. Removes that. So. I'm going to try to explain how I have used it and how it has helped my son as well. Just to further explain what bilateral movement is. It can be headphones with a tone. So it basically a tone goes back and forth in your ears. it's a pleasant tone. It's nothing terribly exciting. They can speed it up or slow it down depending on your comfort level. What feels good to you to be listening to. 

Um, some therapists prefer to use buzzers in your hands. So you're just holding a little buzzer and it goes, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz left right left. Right. I like the buzzers. If you're not in the therapist office, and let's say you're nervous about something at home. It actually really helps my anxiety and I do it with my kids too. You can do it with tapping so you can actually just sit and tap your thighs. 

And a seated position left right. Left. Right. Or you can cross your hands across your heart. And tap your chest. Um, a very common. Tool that therapists will use in office is basically a light bar where the light goes back and forth left to right. And you are using your eye movement to go back and forth. 

Some people think it's maybe. Mimicking REM sleep. They're still working on. 

Understanding why. This helps. However, once you've gone through this process and you've worked with a qualified therapist to go through it. 

They'll basically. They're leading you through being able to think of the memory and. You be in charge instead of the memory being in charge. So again, I know this. I know this sounds like a made up thing. I want to tell you. That if you just Google E M D R cause you've never heard of it. And you think Stephanie is talking about some woopty do thing today. If you Google it, you will find articles from the American psychological society. You will find them from the Cleveland clinic. I don't love the one, the way that web MD has up, but it's there. 

The emdr.com. Goes through the training that therapists go through and kind of has a lay person explanation. I found an article on the New York times talking about it. So this is a real thing. And there have been studies to show how it can help reprocess. Uh, traumatic, stressful situation that has been disturbing. 

And have a benefit where. Instead of going through talk therapy and it taking years to work through something, it actually can speed up the recovery. So. Basically the EMDR website, it kind of talks about how, if you have a physical trauma to your body, like you cut your hand and your body is working to heal itself. Right. It's trying to close the wound. It's going to build a scab, whatever, but if a foreign object or repeated injury. So like you keep picking at the scab or you are walking down the hall and you hit something with your wrist in the scab breaks, open. 

It causes pain and it makes it difficult to heal. But if you can protect it. And the there's not a block in the way your wound will heal. Okay. Similarly, the brain is trained really hard. To heal itself from the trauma, but the power of the event is festering and continuing to cause suffering. So the reprocessing is literally removing the block. 

So that your brain can process the trauma. And heal. So I want to give you some information because, or you can pause this and do your own research, but I just want to say. And I'm going to be reading from the screen here. It says more than 30 positive controlled outcome studies have been done on EMDR therapy. 

Some of the studies show that 84% to 90% of single trauma victims no longer have post-traumatic stress disorder after only three 90 minute sessions. Let's say that again. 84% to 90% of single trauma victims have no longer have PTSD after only three 90 minute sessions. This stuff is ground breaking. 

Another study fo uh, founded by HMO. Kaiser Permanente found that a hundred percent of the single trauma victims and 77% of multiple trauma victims no longer were diagnosed with PTSD after only six 50 minutes sessions. And another study, 77% of combat victim. Sorry. Combat veterans were free of PTSD in 12 sessions. 

So. Here's the point, guys. The study is there? The research is there. And you have nothing to lose. If you have trauma in your life. That is. Or your kids have trauma in their life that is affecting them on a daily basis. So EMDR is something to explore. So today I kind of want to just discuss specifically my experience with EMDR. 

I'd like to say that my story involves the traumatic death of my dad. So this story may be hard for some listeners and especially my family. Maybe don't listen today, family. So. If you don't want to listen, but would like more information on EMDR. Like I said, do a quick, a Google search and you're going to find a lot of great information and feel free to reach out to me. Um, 

Personally, I'm happy to chat with anybody. You know, do a. Facebook message chat or whatever. So here's just to back up a little bit with EMDR, it's like you just walk in and they sit down and hand you some buzzers and. Or anything, there is protocol involved in my case. And in my son's case, we already had an established relationship with therapists. 

That certainly once we recognized we needed EMDR sped up the process, but of course, if you're just entering therapy for the first time, there is going to be several steps before trying the EMDR. Okay. So. They're definitely going to want to discuss with you. Your situation, learn more about you. Um, and I'll tell you, it says right here, like the first phase is a history taking session at they're going to assess the client's readiness and develop a treatment plan. 

And you do need to be ready because it can be hard. To go through these processes again. Right. And really thinking, like focusing on the trauma that your brain is trying to push away at all times. During the second phase, that therapist ensures that the client has several different ways of handling emotional distress that therapists may teach the client a variety of industry and stress reduction techniques that the client can use during, in between sessions. 

So this isn't something to throw at somebody if they're in the middle of a crisis. All right. So. Phases three through six. The target is identified and processed using EMDR procedures. So a target might be like a specific instance. So, and I'm sorry, EMDR, EMDR professionals. I'm just going to do my best to explain what I know and what my situation is. 

And if I get some of the protocol or the descriptions wrong, I apologize. I, but I do think for people who listen to this podcast, it can be, and just incredibly beneficial for them to kind of hear from me about it. So. Before my dad died. I was already familiar with EMDR. My therapist had incorporated it into my therapy for anxiety. 

Um, kind of more in a loose way. Many times when I was feeling very anxious or upset during a session, she would hand me the EMDR buzzers to hold while we talked. So she wasn't, we weren't necessarily like focusing through something or her leading me through a memory or something specific. It would just be when I was having a particularly activated. 

Upset, anxious time. She would give me the buzzers. I actually bought some book buzzers online that occasionally I wear, or my kids will wear. Just while I meditate. And I find it helpful. You know, what else is helpful going on? Walks. I mean, that's your bilateral stimulation, right? Um, when I'm feeling really anxious, my entire body is screaming at me to run because that's my fight flight or freeze. Right. So my body is like, 

We're run, even though I'm just sitting in my therapist's office, talking to her, I want to run away. So anyway, I was familiar with it at first. I thought it sounded like the craziest thing I'd ever heard. And I actually have friends that are therapists. So I asked them about it. They love it. They actually use it as a part of as many treatments with their clients as they can. 

I researched it and was like, oh, this is a real thing. There are, it's only been around since 1987. A person with the last name Shapiro. I apologize. I don't know if they're a doctor or not, but I believe it's a woman. She had originally came up with the idea and started using it with combat veterans. 

And now it has kind of exploded into just regular therapy for people like you and me. I've not been in combat. So I was already familiar with it. And. When my dad died. I was having intrusive thoughts about his death for like a year. Um, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was in the room when he died and I'm going to describe that here in a minute. 

But, um, I couldn't control when the memory came to me and when the memory came to me, it was like it was happening again over and over and over again. 

Um, I knew EMDR would help. I was familiar with EMDR and it still took me about a year. And I was in therapy. To say, I. I think at one point. She was like, sh would you like to do EMDR? And I said, I know it will help. I'm not ready to do it. Because it does mean facing. Something hard. So. A little bit about my dad. 

Um, He had a rare blood disease that kept him out of Vietnam. It was discovered at that time. And, uh, he had. You know, a medical waiver or whatever. Uh, for that. This affected. He basically had heart disease from a young age. He had his first heart heart attack before he was 50, which is very, very young. 

Something that was really stressful. About my dad and having heart disease is that it was a secret. So it was a. Something that if you weren't immediate family or one of my closest friends who didn't know about it, So, you know, I personally find great comfort in community support. Even when I was younger and incredibly active in a church, I couldn't even like at Bible study or small group share about my dad's. 

Um, health condition, which was a huge part of my life. Because he didn't like for peoples to know. So. Another tricky thing about his heart diseases. He looked healthy, so he was tan. He played golf all the time. He often was told that he looked 10 years younger than he was, but on the inside. Uh, things weren't going great. I actually spent my college years preparing professors kind of at the beginning. 

Of a semester. Like if I disappear suddenly, if I don't show up for some reason, it's probably because my dad is in the hospital. I went to school about an hour away so I could get home. We all became cardiology, armchair experts. I lost track, but I think over the years he had a total of five heart attacks and an one stroke. 

I don't even know where to start. If I were to count the number of times that he needed to go to the ER and then waited until very late in the event to go. The amount of stress that his actions and denial of his condition caused our family over the years. Was really immense. And actually now that I, you know, I kind of wrote this outline and I'm saying. 

Out loud. I'm actually traumatized by his minimizing of his condition and not just the moment of his death. It's kind of amazing what your brain can normalize. Cause it was just normal for us. Um, when I was in college, at one point he was in the hospital, I think he'd had, he calls it. He would always call it an event, but he had a. 

Um, Heart attack. And I was mad at him because he never followed the diet. He was supposed to be on. Who knows how long he would have lived if he had done that. But I was mad. I didn't even go see him in the hospital because I. Was very frustrated that I didn't feel like he was doing everything he could. 

To stay out of the hospital. 

His diet. So the reason that people who have heart conditions that have to have a low sodium diet is because their bodies cannot process sodium effectively because their heart isn't pumping effectively. So as a result, their lungs and the rest of their body start filling up with fluids. And then you end up not able to breathe, which is problematic. 

And you have swelling in your body. We didn't really know that until he had had a surgery on his, he had a bad back I'm sure. From years of golf. And he was like so confused at home afterwards. It was very unlike him. But. We weren't like I had to secretly call his doctor. So it was like, like we couldn't consult anyone. Like we've got a secret at home. 

Data's struggling. What's going on. Anyway, we finally like brothers and sister-in-laws had to go to the house and say, you have to go to the hospital. Well, anyway, his lungs were filled with fluid and his oxygen saturation was in the eighties, which is terrible. And time and time again, they would put them on Lasix, which would get all of the fluids off of him. And he would. 

Be able to go home. And feel fine. Like, I don't know how bad it was for him for that to happen repeatedly. But he would bounce back like really well. When he would get a lecture every time. Um, I stormed out of the ER one time because he was up all night in front of his computer researching what he should do instead of just going to the hospital. 

It's funny because right now I can't believe that I am telling people about my dad's health. Because it, we, that was not something we were allowed to do, so he isn't here anymore. And now it's my story to tell about how that affected me. And I hope he forgives me. So during COVID. We all kept a very careful distance from the elders in our family. 

We eventually, you know, going on once it was like, oh, this isn't going to just last two weeks. After a few months, my brothers and I kind of talked and we decided that it would be a good idea to roll my parents into my family's bubble. So. Casey, my three kids and my parents, just because as a. Just our lives, Keith and I both worked. 

We needed help with trying to do school. And they needed. We needed to pick a family and ours made the most sense. So anyway, we got to spend more time with them, but it was still often outside, you know, eating dinner in the driveway, for instance, things like that. Well, And the goal was to keep my parents healthy. Right? Like we didn't want to get, COVID give them COVID so much was still unknown. This is the very beginning of things. Well, in November, so, you know, 

The world fell apart March, 2020 by November. All of a sudden my dad's condition like cratered. My mom was saying he was having a hard time breathing. She really felt like he needed to go to the hospital. He was telling her no. Anyway. I think she ended up scheduling an appointment with his cardiologist and they took one look at him and admitted him. 

His health has conditioned just cratered. The crazy thing is, is like the week or two, before that he had played a full round of golf and all of a sudden he couldn't breathe. And was struggling to catch his breath. So he was hospitalized. And it immediately seemed pretty serious. Now this COVID so only my mom is allowed up at the hospital with him. Normally. 

My family is all hands on deck thing, my brothers and I liked didn't have all of the information we like to ask a lot of questions. We want a full understanding of what's happening, and we want to have a say in what is decided. Um, We have Southern parents that sometimes need someone else to say, I'm pretty sure your ankle is broken. Please go to the doctor. Oh, what do you know? After a week and a half of walking around on a broken ankle. 

Got a boot anyway. It's just the parents that I have. Does anyone else have parents like that? Okay, so nobody could see him. My mom's at the hospital. And we're kind of panicking. We don't really know what's going on and. It was decided that my dad needed to be transferred to Oklahoma city. And this was really unusual for us. My dad had never needed to be transferred anywhere. The heart care that is in the Tulsa area is amazing. We had never had any concerns. 

But they said they were going to rush him to Oklahoma city, that they had better next level things that they could do for him. So I was at home. I don't remember where Casey was. Somebody called me. And said, they're going to take them to Oklahoma city, like any minute. They're an ambulance is coming and the hospitals decided you can come in and say goodbye, but you have to come right now. 

I was home alone and I was like, I'm leaving. I told the kids, I set the alarm. I handed everybody their iPads. I called Casey. I was like, you need to get home as soon as you can. The kids are going to be home alone, but I need to go see my dad before they take him to. Oklahoma city. So we go in. And I really think it hadn't registered with any of us, how serious what was happening was because, like I said, my dad got admitted to the hospital a lot and got discharged and seemed really great afterwards. 

So. Were there. And my dad had the same cardiologist and the same PA for, you know, like, I don't know, like a million years. And they came in and stood at the foot of his bed. And after words later, like months later, I realized they were coming in and saying goodbye to him. I remember them saying something to him, like you, this isn't your fault, which. 

I again, I'm like, Hey, just had chicken fried steak yesterday. Are we sure it's not his fault? I'm so angry, like. Eat a salad, eat some fruit, stay away from chicken fried steak, but he loved gravy and those types of things. Anyway, the doctors are standing there and they said, You know, You know, we've enjoyed taking care of you. 

In Oklahoma city, they're going to see if you qualify for a mechanical heart transplant. And. They didn't say this part, but this is like the last thing, like, they're going to see if they can. They kept saying, we're going to see if you qualify. So anyway. My dad basically said goodbye to us. And it was interesting. I remember one of my brothers kind of trying to be like, dad, like. 

You know, you don't need to say goodbye, you know, you're going to be okay. And me saying, no, let him talk. And I'm really glad that I did because we didn't see him again for a month until the day that we were allowed in the hospital in Oklahoma city to see him when he died. So. How stressful is this guys it's already a pandemic. 

My dad is in critical condition. They're transferring him to Oklahoma city. And just like a really poorly episode of scandal. There was of course an ice storm. So power is out all over Oklahoma city, the highways caked in ice. I'm terrified. They're going to end up in a ditch. I begged one of the IMTS. I was like, I know this isn't protocol. I promise I will never call you again, but here's my business card. Police call me when you get to Oklahoma city so that I know my. 

This is my anxiety. Like my dad's ambulance is of course going to end up in a ditch due to an ice storm. So anyway, it's normally a 90 minute drive. It was a long time afterwards. They finally called and told me that they made it safely and he was in Oklahoma city. So. Things move very quickly and very slowly while he was there. 

Normally my brothers and I would have been there the whole time. We'd have checked into a hotel. We would have sat in the lobby all day. We would have talked to the doctors. We would have. Asked nurses questions known every medication, every procedure they were doing. We were at stuck in Tulsa and my brothers and I were never in the same room due to COVID. 

So we had, I don't even know how many. Uh, emergency conference calls with the doctors. I have to say I was so impressed with them. They were very patient with us. Every time they came into my dad's room to talk. My mom would call one of us on speaker phone, and then we would. Get the other two of us on, so there's this big family call. 

And. Like almost immediately when he got there, they a team of doctors, like more doctors than we were used to dealing with, came in and rushed my dad into surgery. Too. I'm using the word install, and that is not the word, I guess, implant. A device called an Impella. So what an Impella is, it's actually a fairly new device, like in the last few years, I think it only been around a couple of years at the time. It is an external. 

Mechanical heart. It's not permanent. It is meant to try to keep a patient well enough. That they can get better and strong enough to survive. The very invasive procedure of getting a permanent mechanical heart. So it's meant to be temporary. I think at the most 30 days, I think it will start clotting and. 

I'm sure there are various reasons why you can't just have a mechanical heart, like hanging from you all the time and attached to a big old monitor that is controlling everything. So. 

They installed that. He was keeping his heart. Beating. And his blood pumping. So it was keeping him alive, but he needed to get better. For whatever reason he was having all kinds of scarring all over his lungs. That to this day, it has not been explained because he had a chest. X-ray not that long before that. And his lungs looked fine. 

The doctors kept saying well, with his extent of lung disease, and we kept saying he doesn't have lung disease. He's never had lung disease. This is brand new. It's entirely possible that at some point he had contracted COVID and we didn't realize it. He did lose his sense of taste and smell. At one point. 

Um, and. His lungs crashed, but in the hospital, all the blood work they did, they kept doing. COVID rapid tests to see if he actively had COVID they never did an antibody test, so that's not something we'll ever know. And that's really beside the point because it wouldn't have changed anything. But for a month, my mom lived in a little hotel room that this hospital had. They had like 10 little hotel rooms. 

Normally in this type of situation, one of us would go and stay with her. She had two beds, but due to COVID, none of us thought it would be intelligent to try to sleep with a mask on and keep my mom from getting COVID because the last thing my dad needed was to get COVID. So my mom was alone. We could never trade out for her. They said, if you trade to a different person sitting in this room, 

Then that person has to be the person for the length of the stay. So of course she was never going to do that. So. Every morning she got up, she sat in this teeny tiny. ICU room in a chair. Sometimes she had to sit in the hall because there was no room for her when the doctors and nurses were in the room. 

And my brothers and I booked a hotel room across the street and we took turns. Staying there. For a few days at a time. We were greatly concerned that my dad might die suddenly and my mom be an hour and a half away without anyone. 

It was really funny because my brothers and I, we would like kind of pass each other at the hotel, but like Lysol the whole room. There were two beds. So we would alternate so that they could change the sheets. I mean, the extent that we went to try to stay well. Was intense wiping down. You know, I've been on the phones. My brother showed up and like sprayed, Lysol all through the air. 

It was so early in COVID. The studies were like, still not there for everyone really understanding how it was transmitted. And we for sure didn't want to give it to each other. We just didn't need more stress. So anyway for a month. It was just a rollercoaster. There were days where it looked like he was getting well enough to have the heart transplant surgery. 

They would sit down with my mom. They would go all over the paperwork. They would discuss how he would need to be cared for at home. Um, that they needed to get a generator because obviously the battery. To your mechanical heart cannot die. And set expectations with her. And then, you know, the next day it would be. 

It's not looking good. He's had a setback at one point. They even had to shock him back to life. Um, in the middle of the night. Um, which I'm sure was horrific for him because he was like conscious when they did it, but his heart stopped. Um, which I don't completely understand because he had the Impella keeping him alive. But in any case, 

They did that. And there was a lot of, we're going to try this one last thing. And if it doesn't work, he's not going to get the transplant. So the day before he died. They said, you know, we're going to see if we can get his lungs to get better. We're going to give him this crazy high dose of steroids and. 

If it improves great. If not tomorrow, we are going to have to turn off the Impella. That's keeping him alive. 

I can't stress to you enough. What a crazy notion that is. So when you think about having to turn off a loved one's life support, I'm sure you imagine an episode of ER or Grey's anatomy where the person is unconscious. Usually they're brain dead in the episode, and the family's having to come to terms. 

Of, uh, the fact that the person will never be the same again, you can keep them on a ventilator forever, but they're gone. In my dad's case, he was alive. He was aware of his surroundings. He was able to speak. Now he was having a lot of trouble breathing. So I can't say he was a big conversationalist there at the end, but he was able to talk. We would FaceTime with him. 

And we knew going up to this, that there was a machine providing artificial. Life to him through pumping his blood. And that we were going to be in the room, talking to him. When they decided that they had to turn it off. So think about that. For a minute. That was something we knew for about a week. 

And I was, will we all were. Just sick about it. I was very worried that he would be terrified. That he would be so scary to be sitting there and going. Okay, turn off the machine. That's keeping me alive now, I guess. Because, like I said, the machine cannot work indefinitely. 

It had a lifespan. So anyway, the steroids didn't do anything. So. There was a lot of begging and pleading for us to be able to get in the hospital. Because there were three siblings. In the end. Me and my brothers and my dad's sister were able to be in the room. 

We. Just to add to the thing like my brothers and I sat in our own hotel rooms all morning. Across the street waiting to be told that we could come in. Like. We weren't sure they were going to let us in and we couldn't even be together experiencing this due to COVID. So we were each in our own rooms. 

I think at one point we did all sit in the same. Like seating area with masks on. And chat a little bit. The whole thing was surreal. At one point I was texting with my friend who nannies with us about Grey's anatomy. Actually, she had no idea, no one had any idea that this was happening to us. P S. 

Like I had a few close friends that knew my dad was in the hospital, possibly dying. And literally the rest of the world didn't know. So I'm texting with my friend. About how stupid Grey's anatomy is. And I was like, Hey, what are you doing right now? She was home. It was a pandemic. And I was like, I actually am in the hospital. 

I'm in Oklahoma city, waiting for them to turn off my dad's life support. And I have no idea why I am sitting here alone. And my husband is in here. Is there any way you can go be with our kids? I think the reasoning at the time was, I didn't want anybody to watch the kids because I didn't want anybody to expose my kids to COVID. 

So. She's like what? And yes. She came over. Casey did manage to, um, Come to Oklahoma city, but I actually, they ended up letting us in the hospital before I even got to see him. So I didn't get to see him until after, but. We didn't really know. What to expect. They told us we could take our time. 

To be with him and. You know, say whatever we wanted to say before they turn the machine off. This is the part where EMDR comes into play guys. The whole event. Could be addressed with EMDR right this whole entire month. Um, But anyway. We went in there. Um, my aunt very quickly. You know, said some party words in left. She didn't want it. 

Intrude on, you know, the close family moment. And he. Literally looked at each one of us and said his goodbyes. And then. Said I'm ready and closed his eyes and folded his hands across his chest. 

Oh, this was crazy because I thought we can be in here all day. Like. I haven't seen you in a month. You're dying. Can we chat? A little longer. Um, he had, he had been, he had felt horrible. He kept telling my mom I'm dying, I'm dying. I'm dying. And it was like, well, you can't die because you've got this artificial heart keeping you alive. So you're not dying. He just was so ready. 

So. 

He said goodbye. To each of us and said some party words and some nice things to each of us. And then he said he was ready. So we were like, okay. And we got a. I'm assuming a nurse I'm honestly not sure. Came in and they gave my dad like something to. I think for pain, maybe. And also just for things to be more peaceful, I guess. 

And they turned the machine down. So the, instead of pumping at whatever. Beats per minute, it was slowing down. And then she basically said, we're going to leave it at this for a few minutes and then I'm going to come in and turn it down slowly. I'm sure if they turned it off abruptly, it would have been even more traumatic of an, of an event. 

But they turned it down. And we literally went from him, talking to us, to him being turned off. And. Um, It was. Horrible. It was horrible. Um, I was sitting next to him. Kind of holding his hand. My brothers and my mom are in the room. And I have no idea how long we were there. And has to have been. 

An hour or so I'm not really sure. 

And eventually he took his last breath. So. 

That's a terrible story. 

And it isn't. First of all, it's a lot for me to ever even tell anyone, because it's so such a heavy, heartbreaking story that like, when does this come up in conversation? So it, isn't something I have the opportunity to share very often. And I think it's helpful for my mental health to talk about it. 

And how truly. Unfairly awful. It all was. Um, But also. Because I'm not sure what my mental health would be like if I hadn't done EMDR. 

So. After this literally, like we go pack my mom up and we drive back to Tulsa. Thanks. Everything about it was crazy. I thought we might sit down and like absorb the moment, but no, we packed up and left. Went home. I drove my mom home. And then. You know, we planned the funeral. That was incredible. I'm still angry about the fact that. 

We had to significantly limit who could come because we were determined to not have a super spreader event. It was November, there were no vaccines yet. And we weren't going to have a bunch of people die from COVID coming to celebrate my dad. So it was a very small. Send off and much less than he deserved. 

So. For. Nearly a year. If my mind. Was even the slightest bit quiet. 

Not actively engaged in doing something. I was back in that room. Not thinking of the room, but experiencing it again. Sleep was hard. Uh, my doctor gave me medication to help me sleep and I would take that. And read. Until I could not keep my eyes open. Because if I didn't. Again, right back there. 

I spent a lot of. Energy. Trying to push. That trauma away. Anyone who has experienced anything similar? I think, you know, How draining that is. 

And really. Horrible. And my therapist was. Gently like you do want to do EMDR. And I was like, I know I need to do EMDR. I'm not ready to, it meant sitting and looking at it again instead of pushing it away and trying to not face it. So finally I was like, I think I need to do EMDR. So. Basically what she did. 

Was. I had the buzzers. Maybe the light bar. You guys don't even remember. But anyway, she walked me through it. She asked me to focus on something in the room. She said, I want it to be like, you're hovering above. The experience like you're watching it like a movie. You don't need to relive it. But we're going to walk you through it. 

So I picked the thing I was going to focus on. Um, it was very emotional. I had the buzzers going. 

I talked a little during it, but I think mostly I was just sitting there with the movie of the moment going. With the buzzers going. And she would kind of check in. Kind of basically on a scale of one to 10, how are you feeling? Like how activated are you feeling right now? How are you feeling? And at the beginning, of course, it was like a 10. 

Um, by the end of the session, she was kind of asking how I was feeling. And I told her that I just felt like I wanted to go to sleep. Which I thought was progress, but actually it's not. That is your. Brains. It's system coming in and going, just go to sleep. Just go to sleep in this pain will stop happening. 

Um, But she felt like that was a good place to stop. And usually people do multiple sessions. I didn't. And the reason that I didn't is because it was unbelievably bizarrely helpful. I felt so much better. I could walk through the day. And have silence or even just listening to music was like too quiet for me. I had to listen to podcasts or eat. 

NPR or have a, have a movie on or be reading something like something actively engaging my brain. If I was listening to music, I was back there again. Anyway. 

The memory. In the moment and the re-experiencing of the trauma repeatedly was not sitting there any more. 

I I know in the beginning I could get in bed and go to sleep and I definitely would think of his death. But it didn't wallop me like it did before. So I want to emphasize that. I still remember that time. And I'm sure you could hear some of the emotion in my voice as I talked about it. I'm not over here. 

Smiling. About what a terrible way that my dad died. However. I am able to be present in my life. Without having to expend emotional energy. Pushing trauma down. Or having it triggered. 

And it didn't take much for a year, anything similar. And let me tell you what I. Grey's anatomy. I have finally broken up with Grey's anatomy. I gave you you 20 good years of my life, and I just can't watch it anymore, but they were doing a great job of depicting what COVID was like in the hospitals and all of these patients talking to their hospitalized parent or parents or family members. 

On iPads. And we had done that while my dad was in the hospital dying. Anyway, I was like, I cannot watch the show anymore. Stephanie, what are you doing? You're just hysterical. I'm watching this show. Maybe stop watching it. Um, 

Anyway. I was able to be present in my life. Without that memory. In charge. So. That's kind of my success story with EMDR. I'm going to tell you briefly about my son's experience with it. 

Interestingly. My dad while he like. Deeply deeply loved every member of his family. He wasn't that great at like actually spending connected time with us. And what I mean by that is. He loved for all the grandkids to be at their house, but he would be like in his office working, but for him, it was. 

Enough that he could hear everyone. We were there. He'd get a hug. Goodbye. He'd get a hug. Hello. Um, if my parents would come over and babysit, he loved to help with bedtime and he would read stories. Um, to my kids. But I guess my point is it's. My dad. Wasn't super hands-on. So. The way my son grieved his death was a little bit surprising to be honest. 

Um, He really struggled. He wanted to go to the cemetery a lot constantly. I had to take him to the cemetery a couple of times, and I finally had to tell Casey I'm like, aye. It is not good for me to keep going to the cemetery. Like someone else needs to take him. Um, We ended up putting him in therapy and the therapist super helped, you know, they made a little mailbox so that he could write letters to grandpa. 

Um, They took paper towels and got them really, really wet so that he could like yell out all the reasons that it was angry. And he was unfair while spitting, basically these. Not spinning. Throwing these spit wads at the door and trying to get his anger out. Um, Anyway. He seemed to be doing better. So we weren't taking him. This particular therapist was of course, 30 minutes from our house and God bless her. She was kind enough to just save us a slot. 

Like every Thursday at four. So that we could at least, you know, have school and things like that. And not be taking them out and be any more disruptive. Actually, what would I bet I seen, I think I was homeschooling at the time. Anyway. I guess I could go to work and then take it. 

Anyone else's brains, like for a few year period, like struggling to remember what was up and down. That's kind of me when I'm thinking about this. Okay. Anyway. For a very long time. He'd get in trouble or upset or not get his way. And he would get very dysregulated and pitch a whole thing, which. 

Some of those. I mean, it's very similar to any of the times I've talked about him getting dysregulated. But at the end. When he was kind of just this like melted puddle of tears and exhaustion. He would always talk about my dad. And that it's not fair. Grandpa died. And I'm so mad about. Grandpa died. 

And I have to say for very long time. We didn't recognize we didn't put the pieces together. That. I thought, oh my God, why are we talking about grandpa? Like you're in trouble because of XYZ. I sadly kind of thought he was reaching and trying to make what we were discussing about losing his grandpa and. 

After about a year and a half. Uh, we put it together that actually he was. Living with the moment that my dad or that we told him my dad died in his brain at all times much like the trauma I was holding on to. We figured it out. While we were in the process of adjusting some medication that he was on. 

And, you know, we did a lot of like, how is your body feeling right now? Because these medications can make you feel anxious or have a headache, or your tummy feels sick or whatever. And this one particular day, he got pretty emotional. And he just said, I don't know why, but every time you ask how I'm feeling, all I can think about is grandpa dying. 

And for some reason, my brain finally went. Oh shit. 

This is here. This trauma is here all of the time for him. I don't know why. I didn't notice it. I was like this kidney is EMDR. So lucky for me, I was able to text the therapist that he had seen over a year ago. And I said, do you do EMDR? She said, yes, I do. 

And I was like, we need you. He needs you. So God bless her. She squeezed him in. ASAP. And I was really curious, how is this going to go? With. A young child. I should mention that part of the process is like you start in a happy place. You're supposed to picture. Like your happiest place and what it feels and smells like in everything to be there. 

And that's your way of kind of like going in and out of the trauma. I didn't mention that. So, you know, at the beginning of my session, I imagined I was on the beach and the waves and everything. Cause they're trying to start you in a neutral place. And walk you through reprocessing it and bring you back to a neutral place. So, anyway, it was really funny because she was like, we need to think of a happy place for you and. 

She gave him paper and was like, I want you to draw your happy place. You guys, he drew. A donut. That a donut. That that was his happy place. So he drew a donut. It had sprinkles on it. He's listening to the tones and his headphones the whole time. And so she kind of is like, let's think about what the doughnut tastes like and what it looks like and how it would feel in your mouth and everything. 

And then she asked him to draw a picture of when he found out that my dad had died. And this was the first time I'd ever seen this. But it was the picture he drew kind of like an aerial view, looking down. Of our living room, our kitchen island. Where Casey and I were standing in the kitchen when we walked in, where he was standing in the living room. 

And I. He knew, we were honest with him the whole time. That there was a possibility that my dad could die. But. I don't even remember telling him to be honest. Of course I was like in complete shock, but that's the moment he drew. He really wanted to stop. She asked him. How he was feeling one to 10. She. 

He said at 10. So. 

She. You know, basically had him go back to the donut. Draw the donut. And he was kind of saying, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here. And so I kind of had to say, buddy, like, I think this is really going to help you. After this, like, we'll go straight to the donut place and we'll buy you donuts. Like I just, you know, I think we need to do this. 

So I was really proud of him. He kept going. He said he was at a 10. 

She had him get the picture that he drew of our house. And the moment that we told him. And kinda had the tone going back and forth in his ears. And him going back and forth for a few moments to the moment that we told him. That my dad died to the donut. Okay. 

He was at a 10. Tears streaming down his face at the beginning. Part way through. She asked me how he was feeling. And he was like, Hm, maybe like a four. And I was just sitting there like. Couldn't even believe what I was watching. Cause you guys, it looks like there's almost nothing happening. So. 

Anyway, by the end of the session. She asked him how he was feeling. And on a scale of one to 10 and he was like, maybe a one, maybe zero. 

In one session. So. He went from. This moment being the back of his mind at all times. Causing him to bubble over with emotional outbursts and anger. At all times too. The memory, losing its power and strength over him at all times. So. We actually checked in with him. 

Throughout the coming days and weeks. And it was. Miraculous. First of all, you have to, you know, when you're asking kids questions, like you have to make sure you're not leading the witness or trying to make it clear to them what you're wanting them to say. Right. So we kind of had to do these delicate check-ins. 

But we'd be like, Hey, how are you? How are you doing lately? Have you been thinking about grandpa lately or have you been sad lately? And he's like, no. Shrug and then just like onto something else. So. 

I hate that I'm kind of Oprah, Oprah. I'm getting tongue tied. I have been talking too long. I hate that. I'm kind of over simplifying. This. I don't think most people are running around just doing one session of EMDR, an it. Helping them in this way. I think this was a unique set of circumstances for two people who had already been in therapy for a long time. 

However, I think my point is. Is that. If you're looking for the thing, the next thing, right. Everything we're trying, isn't working or maybe. You've implemented therapy and OT and. Um, you've implemented, you know, all of the different things. Medications you've dealt with the school and everything. You're still having issues. 

I think it's worth speaking with your care provider. About EMDR and how they think it might help. It's miraculous. The cool thing is it's painless. And there are actually apps out there and buzzers, like I said, you can buy yourself. That after you have experienced the process. Um, I don't think anyone should try to do EMDR on themselves at home. Guys, don't do that. However, if you need like relaxation, you put in earbuds and it literally does the tones back and forth for you while you're just trying to maybe get through. 

An anxiety moment. So. I highly recommend it. I think if it's not something you have heard of before or experienced yourself, I think it's definitely worth investigating. And seeing if it's something that could help you or your little tricky kit in your life. So. 

I am sorry, this was a bit of a heavy. Episode. Gosh, we usually have Shelley do the heavy episodes. And actually, I do know that if we can get her back on schedule, I know that she actually has some experiences with this that I think she would like to share. 

But I, I just thought it was really important that it's something I talk about. So I'm sorry that you have had to spend an hour listening to my voice. But I appreciate you sticking with me. And I would love to hear from you, if you have any comments or thoughts on EMDR, if you've had a bad experience with EMDR, I haven't heard of anyone having one, but I would be curious to hear what it was. 

Um, if that's something that you would like to share. Um, I can only tell what I've experienced. Right. That's all I can speak of is the research that I have done in the experience that my  📍 family has had, but. It was pretty life-changing for me. And my mental health. So. Villagers. Thank you so much for listening this week and sticking with me for this long episode. 

And I will see you here. Next week. Bye.  

Where the F is my village is produced by Shelley Cadamy and me Stefanie  Phariss with editing by Stefanie Phariss. Special. Thanks to Jason cademy for writing and creating our original music where the F is. My village is an S P S C production