EP 133: What I Learned About Friendship After Starting Her Village

When I started Her Village, I thought I was creating a place where women could make new friends.

What I didn't expect was what those first few months would teach me—not just about friendship, but about belonging.

In this solo episode, I'm sharing some of the biggest lessons I've learned while building this community from the ground up. From women nervously walking into events alone to conversations that linger long after the official end time, I've realized that what so many of us are searching for isn't simply more friends—it's a place where we can show up as ourselves and feel genuinely connected.

If you've ever wondered why making friends as an adult feels so different, or if you've found yourself craving deeper connection in this season of life, this episode is for you.

In this episode, I share:

• Why I realized women aren't just looking for more friends—they're looking for belonging.
• What surprised me most after hosting Her Village events.
• The biggest misconception about adult friendship.
• Why meaningful connection takes intention in this stage of life.
• Small, brave steps you can take to begin building your own village.

Whether you're navigating motherhood, a new city, a career change, or simply a season where life feels a little lonely or disconnected, I hope this conversation reminds you that you're not the only one looking for your people.

And maybe… your village starts with one conversation, one invitation, or one courageous "yes."

🌻 Connect with Her Village

If you're local to the Chicago suburbs and looking for meaningful connection with other women, I'd love to welcome you to an upcoming Her Village gathering.

Learn more at joinhervillage.co

Follow along on Instagram: @hervillagehq

Transcript

Hey friend, welcome back. I'm here with a solo episode today with a realization that I just had to share. So a few months ago, I found myself standing in the parking lot, before our first Her Village Founding Night event. I had butterflies in my stomach. I literally kept wondering, what if no one comes? And even more so, what if everyone who does come feels awkward? What if I'm the only one talking? Highly likely sometimes. But what's funny is I wasn't nervous because I don't know how to host an event. I have spent years cultivating communities and managing events, creating events, bringing people together. That's not the part I was nervous about. I, I can put together a nice, a nice evening. I was nervous because I know exactly how vulnerable it feels to walk into a room hoping you'll find connection. After building Her Village over the past few months, I've realized something I didn't expect, and today I want to talk about it So initially I thought I was creating a place to help other women make friends, bringing people together. You know? I thought women needed more events that they didn't have to plan themselves, gatherings that were just put together for them, more opportunities to meet other people, a reason to get out of the house, something beyond, like, sports schedules and work and motherhood and all the things. And while all of that is true, I realized I was solving the wrong problem. Women don't just want friends, okay? Here are the things that I've learned. Women want more than just a group, a gathering, something to do, a reason to get out of the house. And I'll be the first to say that all of those things already exist, right? I don't know about you, but, like, how many book clubs do you know of? Networking events, local meetup groups. It's not that those don't exist. That's not the problem. That's not what women are looking for. We're not trying to overload our calendar even more, and even... I'll take that one step further and say we're not trying to overload our mental load that we carry even more. Women want a feeling, and that feeling is feeling like they are going somewhere where they don't have to perform, where they can have conversations that aren't rushed and are not just surface level. Women want people who will ask that second question, right? Women who are gonna connect with other people who are then gonna go a little bit deeper. I don't know about you, but if I am going to take time for myself to do something that feels good and to be away from my family and to carve it out in the calendar, I want it to matter. I don't want surface level. I wanna have fun. I wanna feel seen. And that's what women want, I've discovered. They want permission to show up, right? And show up alone. They wanna feel remembered. Nobody has ever come up to me after an event and said, "Thanks for helping me make five new friends tonight." Instead, they say things like, "I forgot how much I needed this," or, "I almost didn't come," or, "I haven't laughed like that in months. I can't wait for the next one." These are powerful things that I'm hearing because they're true, and we're all feeling it. The biggest misconception about adult friendship. Let's get into that. Let's talk about how friendship looked like when we were kids, right? When we were young, you basically just showed up at the sandbox, and if you had the same favorite color as the kid next to you, you're like, "Cool, wanna be best friends? Awesome." And then you had your grade school friends. You found your people. Maybe they were in the same sports as you, same activities. Then there was college, right? I don't know about you, but I was in a sorority and made some amazing friends, friends that I have till this day. Have our friendships changed over the years due to being located all different places and being in different seasons of life and just going in different directions? Yes. But when we get together, do I get that feeling I used to get when we were all together in college? I sure do, right? You can't replace your school-age friends and your college friends, because they bring back the part of you that is important, the part that made you feel like you before life got ahold of us, before you got the title of whatever your career is, before you got the title of mom, wife, wh- whatever roles you are carrying through your life. These are the friends that remind you of who you were when you were just you these are people that we were seeing every single day. It was so much easier when we were younger and in college and in school because we were constantly depositing into these relationships, right? We were hanging out all the time. We were doing everything from eating meals, to going out, to studying, to, you know, living together. It was, you were seeing these friends all the time, which really ramped up how these friendships deepened and friendships strengthened. But then adulthood happens. Everybody has jobs. You get married, kids, crazy schedules. People move away. Suddenly, friendship becomes something that has to be super intentional. I mean, with my college friends currently, uh, just recently, we booked out, like, three months in advance to play pickleball and get brunch. That would just be a normal Sunday, right? In our 20s, we would just, like, wake up and be like, "Should we go get brunch?" "Wanna go watch movies all day?" "Sure. Cool." Now it has to be curated so far in advance, and the details have to be, like, flawless so they work for everyone. That means, like, location, time, dates. Um, i- it's, it's just like moving mountains to get together with some of the friends that you've had from your past. And even as you're making these new friendships in adulthood, which is really hard, you have to be so intentional about it because You're not seeing these people necessarily every single day, and if they are people you're seeing every single day, it's more like you're saying hi at practice or you're exchanging a few words at school pickup. Making friends is not automatic And in my previous episode where I interviewed Alex Gola, she talked about this a lot. She talked about how intentional you have to be with your friendships. She even went as far to say we all treat our romantic relationships with a lot of care, you are getting to know somebody. You are making them a priority. You are spending time with them. You are asking deeper questions. Why don't we do that in our friendships? It takes intention and purpose and being vulnerable with somebody to really form friendships, and it might feel like one more thing on your list, life's already busy enough. Like, how am I supposed to spend that much time on a friendship? But the truth is, that's the only way you're going to have more than surface level relationships in your life, and I promise you that the end result will always be worth it because then you will have your village. You will find your people, and you will have those deeper connections in your life that are so valuable Over these last few months with Her Village, we have done all sorts of gatherings, right? We have gone on walks, coffee meetups, we have done fitness events. We have gathered for cocktails and charcuterie. Everything from just, like, pop on in and take a walk to a curated evening, and I could share so many stories with you. Like, all the women who just came alone, who took that chance on an experience and said yes, and showed up and met other women. Now, I'm not saying you're gonna show up to a Her Village gathering and, like, immediately click with a best friend. I think Alex made that very clear in our conversation prior to this that it takes intention and time, like I was saying. But the way to start is just to walk through that first open door, and that's what Her Village is doing. Her Village is bringing people who really want those deeper connections, who want to walk into a room where there's no pressure. You can just be yourself. I always say this in all of my invites to our Her Village gatherings, "Come as you are. Come as you are." And you know what? Women will. They'll come alone. Actually, I think almost every event that I've hosted has been filled with women who come alone. No one's coming with, like, a group of friends. It's women coming alone and truly showing up as they are. For example, one of our coffee meetups recently, we had maybe seven of us there, and one woman showed up. She's like, "Sorry, my hair's still wet. I just, like, popped out of the shower. I'm stopping, you know, in my workday to take a break and be here." Amazing. Somebody else was, like, dressed to the nines because she has a very important business meeting. Okay. Someone else brought her baby because she's, newly postpartum. When I say show up as you are, I truly, truly mean that. I've also had women who have messaged me later and said, like, "Oh my gosh, I was so nervous, and I'm so glad that I showed up to this gathering. Her Village was exactly what I needed, and I'm so glad I said yes." And it's not a numbers game. That's the most surprising thing I want to share with you, because as a founder and as somebody who is trying to build a community for women and cultivate these deeper friendships, it's hard not to think of numbers, right? It's like I want things to be intentional, but I also want everyone who wants to be a part of it to be a part of it. And I'm here to tell you that one of the things I've learned these past few months is that whether there are two attendees or 22 attendees, the conversations have always been meaningful. The connections have always been intentional and more than surface level, and that's what it's all about. Because the more you show up, the more you say yes to the coffee, yes to the walk, yes to the fun experience, and yes to supporting local businesses, you are going to have experiences with other women that are gonna take things naturally to the next level. And like I mentioned earlier, that's kinda what we experienced in college, right? Or in high school. When you are seeing these friends or these acquaintances day in and day out and you are doing new things together, you are supporting each other through transitional times in life, you are sharing and you are having these talks, that's how these deeper friendships are made. And women my age, w- if you are in your 30s or 40s, you're out of the college phase, right? You are stepping into parenthood or deep in your career or whatever life has brought you in this season. But the common denominator is that if you're in your late 30s or early 40s, you're in this transitional period. And you know what? I'm gonna even, like, go back and say it's not even about your age. Any woman who's in a transitional period, whether that's your kids are getting older and they need you less, now you're finally being like, "I wanna come back to myself. I wanna feel like myself again. I'm ready to have some fun. I'm ready to be an adult with other adults," or maybe you just got married, and you're just trying to make sure that you stay true to yourself and you don't become just, like, sucked into your, your couple role, wherever you are in life, Her Village gatherings are for you. They're for the women who wanna show up and not have to impress anyone, feel seen, be known, and have people to turn to when life gets hard And to anybody listening who is hesitant to join an event or to try something new, just know you'll never regret doing it, but you will regret sitting one out. The perfect example is our Diva Dance night. We laughed, we danced, we drank a margarita, and we just went for it. And I'm not gonna lie, I felt so good afterwards. doing something out of my normal routine with other women was just such an endorphin boost. Like, it was so much fun, and actually it was a Her Village member who suggested Diva Dance, and they were like, "I've been wanting to do that, but I didn't wanna go alone." And that's where the biggest, hurdle is, we just have to say yes. Come as you are, you will always be accepted and welcomed, and at the end of the day, we're all just trying to have a good time, laugh, and feel more like ourselves. So that said, Diva Dance was a hit. Shout out to Diva Dance because we will be doing another Diva Dance night again. It was too much fun not to repeat One of the misconceptions I think women have, and I know I've had this in my life as well, is that friendship starts long before you become friends. People think, "I need to find my people," when really instead you become someone's person by showing up again, learning names, following up, asking someone else to coffee, sitting down, being consistent. Friendship isn't found, it's built What I've learned personally, and this is strictly just from a few months of launching Her Village, is that I've become braver. You know, I've done similar things in the past where I was not on my own, but where I've worked for companies where I was a community manager, and I've curated events, and I've been out, and I've talked with business owners and other people in the community in Greater Chicagoland area, and this is so different. Because of Her Village, I've become braver because I am the one who jumped in the pool and said, " Get in, everybody. It's great. Like, just follow me." Uh, and, and that's not to say that I knew anyone would follow me, I just jumped in, and I was like, "Look, I know you need this. I need this. We all need this. Don't be afraid. Just get in the pool," right? I've also learned that almost everyone is a little nervous. I don't care how outgoing you are, how confident you are, everyone has that nerve inside of them where they're like, "Eh, I don't know. Like, do I show up by myself? Is it gonna be okay? Is it gonna be weird?" Everyone has that, okay? And I pride myself on making you realize that, you will not feel that way at a Her Village gathering. I'm very straightforward, and I am very what you see is what you get, and that is the vibe of Her Village. I've also realized that, confidence isn't walking into a room without fear, it's walking in anyway. So even if you're a little nervous, do it anyway, all right? That's the confidence part. It's like you showed up And I've learned that for myself as well because as I'm hosting these events, I don't always know how they're gonna go. And as I mentioned earlier, we've had gatherings of two people, we've had gatherings of 22 people, and I don't always know what that's gonna look like, but I'm showing up and I become braver because of it, and the rewards that I'm reaping from connecting with other women in the community are priceless So to close this solo episode to say that, maybe your next step isn't finding your best friend maybe it's just simply saying yes to the invitation, sending the text, introducing yourself, walking through the door because villages aren't built overnight they're built one conversation at a time and even if it feels like you are scrolling your Instagram feed and everyone in your local community seems to have found their people or their group just remember that social media isn't showing you the whole picture. You don't know how close the group that you're seeing actually is. Maybe they are lifelong best friends, maybe they have put in the time and the intention to become close great friends. But also, maybe it's just a group of women who have one thing in common, and those are just people that they do something with, right? And I know you want more, because I do too The older I get, the more I realize that friendship isn't something we just stumble into anymore. It's something we choose, and every meaningful friendship begins the exact same way, it's as simple as just two people deciding to show up I hope you took away something from my learnings over the last few months. There are so many Her Village gatherings to come. We are continuing to build this village here in Naperville, so if you are local to the Chicago suburbs, I encourage you, go to joinhervillage.co. That's joinhervillage.co, and check it out. Sign up for my email list so you will get the invites to our gatherings straight to your inbox, and I don't know, maybe you'll have the courage to just say yes and just show up and just walk through the door. You never know what can happen. Thanks for hitting play on this episode today. As always, I appreciate you being here, and I'll be here when you come back and hit play