Let Them - A Mindset Hack for Sports Performance

In this episode, I explore the powerful mindset framework known as the "Let Them Theory," made popular by author and speaker Mel Robbins—and how it can transform the way athletes, coaches, and parents approach mental performance in sports.

Whether you’re frustrated by a teammate’s choices, overwhelmed by outside opinions, or feeling the pressure to control every outcome, this episode breaks down how learning to “let them” can help you stay focused, emotionally steady, and in control of what really matters—your response.

We’ll dive into:

• What the Let Them Theory is 
• How athletes can use it to manage comparisons, criticism, and competition
• How coaches can use it to lead with more calm, clarity, and impact
• How parents can better support their young athletes through challenges and growth

This mindset isn’t about giving up—it’s about letting go of what you can’t control so you can own what you can. Tune in to hear how “let them” can help you sharpen your mental edge and show up as your strongest self in sport—and in life.

Book: The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

Transcript

Speaker: 0:01

I'm Dr. Nassim Ebrahimi, and welcome to Becoming My Stronger Me, a podcast designed to help you become stronger in mind, body, and heart. In season two, the mental performance series, we'll explore the intricate relationship between mental performance, sports excellence, leadership, and personal growth to help you become your stronger you. It's not often that I get a chance to read, like really sit down and read a book. Normally I'm rushing around, I have an audiobook in my ear, or I'm listening to a podcast, or I'm reviewing notes for a client meeting. But last week my kids were away on vacation with my parents, and my sister and I went away just for a quick sister's trip, which we try to do as often as we can, and a book fell into my lap. Well, actually, it fell into my seat, the seat of my car. I was running errands in preparation for this trip to the beach, and I look over, and the let them theory by Mel Robbins was in the seat of my car. Didn't know how I got there later to find out that it's actually my father's book that he didn't take with them on their vacation, but it was there for me. Now I've been curious about this book. Of course, it's getting a lot of amazing press, not only on social media, but everybody's talking about it and everybody's raving about this concept, this concept of let them and let me, kind of a two-parter. And it really does resonate with millions. And in one sentence, the core message is this when you let them do whatever it is they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and better relationships with people in your life. Sounds kind of counterintuitive, right? How can letting go of trying to control others actually give you more control and peace? In this episode, we'll unpack some of my thoughts on the let them theory and how they might apply to mental performance and the athlete mindset. Whether you're an athlete, a coach, an athlete's parent, or someone looking for ways to handle life's curveballs, the lessons here I'm hoping will be empowering, conversational, and thoughtful. And by the end, I'm hoping you'll have specific takeaways on using let them and let me as tools for emotional regulation, self-leadership, and sharpened focus and performance. So let's jump in. What is the let them theory? The let them theory is a straightforward mindset hack. It's about letting other people do what they're going to do and not driving yourself crazy trying to change or control them. And as Mel Robbins puts it, we need to quote, set ourselves free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around us. Instead of reacting with frustration when others don't meet our expectations, we simply allow them to be themselves and focus on our own response. Here are a few everyday examples outside of sports that she uses. Your friends plan a get together and don't invite you. Let them. Why chase an invite that isn't coming? Use that time to do something that you enjoy. Another example. Your partner decides they'd rather stay home than go out with your group. Let them. Pouting or pressuring won't make them have fun. It'll only create tension. And yet another example. Your son or daughter says no to the career path you always imagined for them. Let them. It's their life, and forcing our agenda will only strain the relationship. In each case, the only thing you truly control is your own reaction and choices, not the other person's actions. Other people's decisions are not a reflection of you or something you always need to fix. And although it's tempting to try to set others straight, the truth is we often lose peace and energy by fighting battles that aren't ours to fight. So does let them mean you approve of everything or that you should be a doormat? No, not at all. Letting them doesn't mean you tolerate disrespect, danger, or violation of boundaries. If someone is doing something that harms you or clearly crosses a line, you should speak up or intervene appropriately. The let them theory isn't about letting people walk all over you. It's about discerning what's yours to control versus what isn't. For the vast majority of annoying, disappointing, or unexpected things that others might do, the minor stuff that we tend to overreact to, simply pausing and saying, okay, let them can save you a ton of stress. So why is let them a tool for emotional strength? Emotionally, this mindset is like a pressure release valve. When we stop trying to force others to match our expectations, we immediately step out of an unwinnable tug of war. We conserve our emotional energy. Robbins found that dropping the impulse to control leads to greater inner peace. Think about it. How many times have you gotten upset, anxious, or angry because someone else didn't do something the way you wanted? And I am absolutely guilty of this in so many domains of my life. And we've all been there. Maybe a friend said something hurtful or a coworker slacked off or a family member made a choice you disagree with and you stew on it. The let them theory gives you permission to let go of that agitation. Instead of reacting in a way that escalates stress, yelling, nagging, ruminating, you choose your response calmly. It's letting something be and taking ownership of your reaction rather than controlling the action. Let me say that again. Letting something be and taking ownership of your reaction rather than controlling the action. In other words, you decide, I can't change what they did, but I can control what I do next. This shift is hugely empowering and it's a form of self-leadership. You lead yourself out of emotional chaos by focusing on the one person you can change. You. This doesn't mean it's always easy. I sure know that it is absolutely not easy. You might feel that that spike of irritation or hurt when someone does something unwanted, but we are not in control of our first thought. We're in control of our second thought and our first action. The let them approach helps you catch yourself in that moment between feeling and reacting. It reminds you to take a breath. Is this within my control? No. Then let them and let me handle my response. Practicing this can improve emotional regulation over time. You build the muscle of staying cool and controlled under pressure. And here's the kicker: when you consistently focus on your own actions, attitude, and effort, you actually end up more effective and influential. You model calm and confidence, which often inspires better communication and respect from others. Far more than nagging and controlling ever would. Plus, by not getting dragged into every bit of drama, you can put your mental energy towards what really matters to you. This is crucial in high-performance situations like sports, which we'll go into next. So, how does the let them theory apply to the sports world? Sports are inherently about performance under pressure, often with many people involved, teammates, opponents, coaches, officials, and spectators. It's a perfect arena for this mindset because sports constantly presents things you cannot control. And those things can easily derail you if you let them. One of the key principles in sports psychology is control the controllables. Elite athletes and coaches often say the greatest lesson is learning to focus on what you can control and letting go of the rest. The let them theory is essentially a catchy way to do exactly that in everyday situations. It tells you if something or someone is outside of your control, quit wasting energy on it. Instead, put that energy into your own game, your effort, your strategy, and your mindset. Let me give you some concrete sports examples. Every athlete has experienced a referee or an umpire who makes a call you vehemently disagree with, and it feels unfair. You often might even feel targeted by that referee, but you can't unwind the play. Yelling at the ref or carrying that anger forward will only take you out of your zone. Instead, let them let the referee make that bad call and move on. As hard as it is in the moment, turn your attention to the next play. For example, a coach might tell the team captain, okay, that call happened. We can't change it. Let them call it and let's refocus. And by doing this, you prevent one bad break from multiplying into many. In fact, using the let them let me mindset, one might say, let them make their call, let me rally my team and execute the next play. The result? You stay focused and often you'll perform better because you're not distracted by frustration. What about trash talking? A trash talking opponent or rowdy fans. Maybe an opponent is running their mouth, trying to get under your skin. Maybe the crowd or that one parent in the stands is jeering at you. Instead of engaging in a war of words or letting it demoralize you, remember, let them. Let the opponent trash talk. You keep playing, you keep playing hard. And prove yourself through your performance. Let the fans boo. You refocus on the game plan by letting them. You're not saying you enjoy it, you're simply acknowledging you can't stop them from talking. What you can do is use it as fuel or ignore it altogether. In the end, the scoreboard will speak louder. This gives you a mental edge. You become the player who can't be rattled by mind games. And often trash talkers lose steam when they see it's not affecting you. What about a teammate who is not playing your way? Sports require teamwork, at least a lot of them do. And sometimes teammates make decisions you wouldn't. Perhaps a teammate keeps hogging the ball or isn't training as hard as you think they should, or chooses a style of play that doesn't align with what you were hoping. Those situations can be frustrating because their choices do impact you and the team. The let them approach here means control what you can within the team context and let go of the rest. If a teammate is ball hogging, you could let it ruin your morale or create a rift, or you could let them play their game and focus on how you can adapt or support. Maybe even have a calm chat later if it's needed, but don't stew in anger during the game. If a teammate skips optional workouts and you worry they're letting the team down, you can remind them once of the importance, but if they still opt out, let them. Let them miss out on the extra training and trust that the coach will notice or the natural consequences like less endurance and games will teach them. Meanwhile, you double down on your own training and leadership. By letting teammates be responsible for their own choices, you reduce resentment and keep the team relationships healthier. You also position yourself as a leader by example rather than a critic. Remember, it's important to let people fail so that they can take responsibility, learn and grow. This can apply to peers too, not just kids. Let a teammate face the outcome of their approach, and they might just learn from it. You maintain your sanity and focus by not carrying their weight on your shoulders. Noticing a pattern in these examples? In each case, letting others do their thing, even if it's not what you want, frees you up to do your thing better. If you're not giving up or being indifferent, you're strategically deciding where to put your effort. When you adopt this mindset, you'll find that you'll stay cooler under pressure. Your performance can become more consistent because you're not riding the emotional roller coaster of every outside variable. You're actively practicing mental toughness by focusing on the controllables, a skill every champion needs. Now, to make this even more actionable, let's tailor some specific takeaways for each of our main listener groups: athletes, coaches, and parents of athletes. How can you start using the let them theory today in your sports or coaching life? Let's talk about athletes first. Use the let them theory to manage comparisons. If you're an athlete, you're likely to compare yourself to others. Who's faster, who's scoring more, who's getting praise? It's natural, but it can also eat away at your confidence. The let them mindset says let other athletes have their victories, their talents, their moments, and you focus on yours. If a teammate earns an award or a rival sets a record, congratulate them sincerely and remind yourself that their success does not take away from yours. Let them shine and use it as inspiration rather than envy. Everyone's journey is different. By letting go of the toxic comparisons, you can channel that energy into training and improving your game. The only thing you can control are yourself and your effort. What other people choose to do, it's not your business. Keeping that in mind will protect your confidence and your motivation. So the takeaways for athletes, let them manage comparison. Another takeaway, use the let them theory to handle criticism and opinions. Athletes often face criticism from coaches, their peers, social media, you name it. Some of it's constructive, much of it is not. Instead of internalizing every negative comment, practice saying, okay, let them. Let the critics have their opinions. You don't have to accept them as truth. If someone says you'll never be good enough or questions your choices, let them say what they want and then prove them wrong by your dedication. By not giving others' judgment undue weight, you maintain control of your self-belief. Now, there is an important caveat here. If it's coaching feedback meant to help you, certainly listen and learn. Let the coaches coach you. But if it's destructive criticism or just noise, you can mentally acknowledge it, because they're entitled to have their opinion and move on without dwelling. This is a form of emotional resilience. It might help to remember that criticism often says more about the person giving it than about you. As the saying goes, letting it roll off your back, that's what the let them theory is all about. You choose what to take in and let the rest go. And the last one I have here for athletes are to use the let them theory for teammates and coaches' choices. On a team, both your teammates and your coaches will make decisions you can't control. Maybe a teammate decides to play more selfishly one day, or your coach benches you in a crucial game. These moments sting. The advice here is twofold. First, don't take it personally. For a teammate's behavior, let them do as they choose and control how you respond on the field. If a teammate isn't passing you the ball, focus on getting open and communicating, not on sulking. If a coach's decision leaves you on the bench, remember the wisdom. You cannot control how many minutes your coach plays you, but you can control your effort and focus in practice and your overall attitude. In other words, let the coach make their call and use it as fuel. Show in practice why you deserve more time. Stay ready. Keep a positive attitude that coaches will respect. Moping or bad mouthing the coach only hurts your case and your mental state. So let them coach. And you keep coaching yourself to be better. This approach is tough. It requires humility and patience, but it pays off in growth. Many athletes later realize that seasons of less playing time taught them to work harder and smarter, or that it was about team strategy and it wasn't personal. By not fighting every decision, you stay focused on improving, which is ultimately in your control. So to sum it up for athletes, let them helps you stop wasting energy on others' paths or opinions or choices. So you can fully commit to your own. You'll find that you'll play with more freedom and joy when you're not constantly worrying about what others are doing or thinking. You become, in a sense, self-led, which is the hallmark of mental strength. What about takeaways for coaches? And coaches, I see you nodding along with the idea of focusing on what you can control. It's coaching 101, right? But let's be honest, it's easier said than done. As a coach, you care so much about your team that you might find yourself micromanaging or overanalyzing things that ultimately you can't fully control, like every referee call, every parent's behavior, or every thought you're in your athletes' heads. Embracing let them can actually make you more effective and centered as a coach. And here's how. Instead, let them try it their way. And if they fail, let them feel that sting and then coach them through the lesson. For example, if a player insists on using a risky technique that you're unsure about, you might warn them once and after that, let them attempt it in practice or a low-stakes situation. If it fails, they will understand why your fundamentals were important. They'll be more receptive to coaching after experiencing the consequence. This approach, of course, works within reason. You still keep players safe and step in before a disaster in big moments, but you'll be surprised how empowering it is for athletes when you allow them some autonomy. They take more ownership of their development when they know you won't just save them every time. You're there to guide, not to puppet master. By letting them fail and try again, you create a team culture where mistakes aren't the end of the world, but a chance to improve. And that resilience is what you want in the long run. The second advice here I have for coaches is let them, the athletes and parents, be themselves. Focus on culture. Every team has a mix of personality. Some athletes are super intense, some are laid back, some parents are very involved, others are hands-off. You will never control everyone's personality or every parent's email to you. And trying to will drive you mad. So let them be who they are and channel your energy into building a strong team culture and consistent values. For instance, if you have a talented player with a bit of an ego, you set the team expectations like respect, effort, and teamwork very clearly. If that player grandstands or slacks off, you enforce the consequence, maybe less playing time, and explain why. Beyond that, let them make the choice to fall in line or not. You cannot force a mindset change in someone. They have to choose it. By letting them be, you actually see their true colors and commitment level, and then you can respond accordingly. Maybe that star changes their attitude once they see that you won't bend the rules. Great. Or maybe they don't, and you eventually let them go on their way, transferring schools or teams or whatnot. It might feel like a loss, but it's better than constantly battling and dragging someone along. Meanwhile, your focus stays on those that do buy in and on consistently upholding the culture you want. Consistency is key. If you're clear and steady with your principles, most athletes will adapt. For parents, similarly, if a parent constantly offers unsolicited advice or complaints, you hear them out to a point. You maintain your principles and then you let them have their opinion. You might say, I understand your perspective, and then continue to coach as you know is best. Over time, reasonable parents come around when they see your consistency and that their kid is learning life lessons, not just sports. What about the unreasonable parents? You won't change them by arguing. So a polite let them and establishing boundaries keeps you sane. As long as you're communicating and doing right by the athletes, you can rest easier ignoring the background noise. And the third tip I have here for coaches is let go of total control and empower your team. The best coaches in any sport often mention letting go of the need to control every outcome. You might control the practice plans, the game strategy, the lineup. But once the game begins, a lot is in your players' hands. Embrace that. Encourage players to make decisions on the field or court, even if they're not exactly what you would do. If the decisions are poor, that's feedback for what to coach next week. If they're good, you've just increased the team's IQ and confidence. By trusting your athletes, you show them you believe in them. That trust can motivate them more than barking orders every second. Also, it frees you as a coach to observe and think strategically rather than reacting to every micro event. You become more of a mentor and less of a stress ball on the sidelines. Focusing on controlling the controllables, your preparation, effort, and attitude as a coach, and letting go of the rest gives you more headspace to maximize your impact. In practical terms, that might mean not obsessing over a referee's questionable calls and instead directing attention on how your team responds. It might mean accepting that you won't win every game due to factors beyond your control, injuries, weather, stacked opposing team, and focusing on making each athlete better and maintaining team morale regardless of the scoreboard. Ironically, when coaches do this, the scoreboard tends to improve as a side effect because everyone is more relaxed and confident. By letting go a bit, you allow space for your athletes to step up as leaders, too. So to summarize for coaches, the let them theory is about selective control. Hold tight to what you truly matters to you, your values, your effort, your teachings, and loosen the grip on everything else. You'll gain peace of mind and better relationships with players and parents by not overmanaging. And a coach at peace is a better coach. You'll make sharper decisions and enjoy the process more. So, what about takeaways for parents of athletes? If you're a parent of an athlete, you play a pivotal role in their sports journey and their mental game. You want the best for your child, opportunities, success, and happiness. And it can be agonizing to watch them struggle or make choices that you feel aren't optimal. The let them theory can be a lifesaver for you, and frankly, for your relationship with your child. So here's how to apply it. The first tip I have for you is to let them own their own journey. Remember that this is your child's journey, not yours. If your son or daughter truly loves their sport, they will drive themselves. If they don't, no amount of your pushing will create that genuine passion. It might even push them away. So if you catch yourself imposing your ambitions, like insisting they practice extra hours or specialize too early, take a breath. It might be time to let them take the wheel. For example, say your child has tryouts for a team in a month, but aren't practicing as much as you think they should. You could nag and force them to train every evening, but do you think it's worth the stress to your relationship? Often it's not. The alternative, have an honest conversation about the upcoming tryout. Express your confidence in them. Maybe offer help, but ultimately let them decide how to prepare. If they choose to wing it and not train hard, let them. Let the consequences unfold. Perhaps they won't make the team and they'll feel disappointment. It'll be a hard lesson, but a lesson learned firsthand sticks. They might realize on their own, I should have prepared more, which can spark that intrinsic motivation to work harder next time. And on the flip side, if you had forced all of that practice and they made the team, they might attribute the success to your pushing or resent the process, not learning self-motivation. By letting them own it, you're saying, I trust you to handle this and I'm here no matter what. That support means a lot to anyone, especially a child, even if they don't show it. The second tip I have for you as parents of athletes is to let them experience setbacks and emotions. No parent likes to see their child upset. When sports brings heartbreak, whether it's a tough loss, a season-ending injury, bench time, conflicts with a coach or a teammate, your instinct might be to fix it. Sometimes you can't fix it, and sometimes you shouldn't even immediately try to fix it. Let them feel what they feel. If your child comes home angry at the coach for not playing them, resist the urge to immediately call the coach or say something like, the coach is wrong, you should be playing more. First, let your child vent. Acknowledge their feelings. I hear you. It's frustrating to sit out. Encourage them to consider what they can do. Talk to the coach respectfully. Practice more. Work on their attitude. This is let them in the sense of letting them have their feelings and process them rather than swooping in to remove all discomfort. Emotional regulation is a skill. And if you always solve or soften every blow, the child doesn't learn to self-soothe or problem solve. Of course, you can support and love them. That's your job. But support sometimes looks like listening and saying, I understand this is hard, rather than taking over. An example from Mel Robin's approach, you can let them have their feelings while you remain a calm presence. Over time, your young athlete will grow more resilient and independent, knowing they handled adversity themselves with you cheering them on, not you fighting all their battles. And the last tip I have for parents of athletes is to let them choose and be there regardless. Many parents have a particular vision. Maybe you dream of your daughter playing college soccer, or you just know your son will thank you later if he sticks with baseball. But what if one day they say, I don't want to play anymore, or I want to switch to a different sport or activity? That can feel like a gut punch after years of investment of resources and time. This is the ultimate let them test. Unless there's truly a good reason to force the issue, consider honoring their choice. Kids grow and change. Their passions can evolve. Let them explore and figure out who they are. It might just be the break they need, or perhaps they found something else that lights them up. By letting them make this choice, you show unconditional support. You're effectively saying, I love you as a person, not just as a player. Ironically, giving this freedom can sometimes rekindle their interest in the sport later when it's a hundred percent their choice to return. But even if it doesn't, you're teaching them to listen to their own voice, which is invaluable to their future. Your role can shift to encouraging them to commit fully to whatever they choose and reminding them that the values learned in sports, work ethic, teamwork, leadership, communication, apply everywhere. If they decide to stick with their sport, but perhaps do it their own way, maybe they want to practice on their own schedule or try a new position, even if you're unsure, let them. They might surprise you. And if it flops, they'll learn accountability because it was their call. In essence, parents, let them is about releasing a bit of control so that your child can develop self-reliance, accountability, and passion. You become more of a guide and supporter than a manager. This shift can dramatically reduce stress in your household. Instead of constant battles over training or performance, you share more open conversations and trust. Your young athlete gains confidence, knowing their achievements are theirs, and that your love doesn't hinge on a scoreboard. As a bonus, you'll maintain a healthier parent-child relationship into their teen and adult years because it's built on respect and empowerment, not pressure. And isn't that what we ultimately want? A strong, confident kid who knows that we're in their corner no matter what. So to bring it all together, Mel Robbins' Let Them theory is a reminder that in life, and certainly in sports, peace and power come from focusing on what you can do, not on trying to rewrite others' behavior. Whether you're facing a family disagreement, a competitive sports match, or a tough coaching season, asking, what can I let go of here is liberating. Instead of being reactive and trying to grab control externally, you become proactive in controlling your internal state and actions. This simple phrase, let them, can act like a mantra to ground you when emotions run high. It gives you permission to not take everything personally and to save your energy for the battles that truly matter. Think of the best athletes and leaders you know. Chances are they have a knack for staying cool under pressure and not getting entangled in pettiness. That's exactly what we're cultivating here. By letting others be themselves, for better or for worse, you actually get to see reality more clearly and choose your response wisely. You trade chaos for clarity. And with that clarity, you can pour your effort into self-improvement, teamwork, and growth, which are the things that do yield results. As one summary of the theory put it, the let them theory creates more love, ease, space, and clarity within our lives. When we focus on changing our perceptions, our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions, that's when things do change. In sports terms, you play better when your head is right and you're focused on your game, not someone else's. Before we wrap up, I'd like to quickly acknowledge that adopting this mindset is a practice. You won't flip a switch and suddenly never get annoyed at another's actions. We're all human and we'll have those moments. But the next time you feel that rush of irritation or the urge to control something or someone, catch yourself. Pause and say, let them. It might even make you smile when you say it as if you're in on a secret. You'll likely feel a bit of tension release immediately. Then decide what you will do next. That's the let me part of the equation. Let me now do what's best for me or my team or my child. And over time, you'll find more peace in your mind and more effectiveness in your actions. Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope these insights on the let them theory by Mel Robbins and its application to sports and mental performance inspire you to try it out. Whether you're heading into a championship game, a tough practice, a parent-teacher meeting, or just daily life, remember this tool. Let them and focus on being your stronger you. Until next time, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast, join our Facebook group, send in your stories and feedback. And if you're looking for a mental performance coach or want more information, go to www.becoming my strongerme.com. I can't wait to hear from you.