Perfectionism - The Good and The Bad

Can perfectionism bring value to our lives? A humorous story of insane demands made by an obsessive artist in the world of Ballet, gives us a reason to wonder.  What about from the perspective of a young girl whose mother has a facial malady.  She watches as her mother stands with courage and strength in public but suffers behind closed doors.  In the end, it is the faith of her mother and then her own that brings meaning and understanding to the good and the bad of perfectionism.

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Transcript

Stephanie test: 0:02

I am Stephanie Eccles. This is Dear Daughters of God, episode one, striving for perfection, the good and the bad. Welcome to Dear Daughters of God. As a daughter of God, I invite you to join me. As I share powerful stories that will bring us hope and joy in our savior, Jesus Christ, welcome, dear Daughters of God. I address you that way because that's what you are to him. To our Heavenly Father, you are dear. As one of his dear daughters, I would like to share a life experience that will introduce me and demonstrate where my love for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ began. Hello to all the brothers that are tuned in because you love a daughter of God. I welcome you. My mother was a very good storyteller and brought joy to our lives through telling us stories about life experiences and teaching us the gospel. She loved the gospel. It's like she was born with faith, unwavering faith like my mom. I enjoy sharing stories especially about people's lives. I spent a great deal of my childhood in the ballet studio, and that's not because my mother was a dancer. Far from it, she never had any such opportunity as taking a lesson as a child. I'll tell you more about that in a minute. But as a mother, she did have the opportunity to give her daughters lessons, and that was a thrill to. Many mothers in our neighborhood put their daughters in ballet class, and that was one of my mother's dreams for her daughters. My two older sisters started ballet class first. I remember watching one of their ballet classes. It was a demonstration class, and I thought it looked so boring. Who would want to be at a bar like that and stand there and bend your knees? Slowly up and down and move your arms slowly around your head, around your body like that. It looked terribly boring, but I agreed, of course, with my mother's request to just try the class. So I tried and I immediately found it absolutely thrilling. My body took to it very well. So there from that moment started gradually my pursuit in ballet. And because I liked it very much and accelerated quickly, I spent more and more hours in the ballet studio at a young age. Now ballet is an art of perfection. To give you an example, In ballet, your index finger is extended out slightly from the middle two fingers as well as your pinky finger, and your middle two fingers are together and inward, just slightly, and your thumbs pulled in towards the palm and your wrist is rounded most of the time rounded, and your elbow is higher than your wrist and your shoulders. Are down and your arms or your port to bra is what they call it, needs to remain relaxed. Even though we are thinking about all those details, it must look relaxed and elegant. as you're thinking of all those details and your foot placement at the same time, it has to have the same sort of detail. All of your foot should be on the floor, but your arch ever so slightly raised and your feet turned out with all your toes on the floor. Now, don't let your feet roll in. Keep your buttocks down, not tucked but down. Your abdomen is pulled in, your knees are pulled up towards your quadriceps, but not. Your quadriceps are strong, pulling those kneecaps upward, the details go on and on. This gives you an idea of the exactness and the perfectionism needed in ballet. I was drawn to the challenge of this art with so many things to think about all at once. It taught me how to pay attention while in the studio my mind could be absolutely focused on my body performing the art of ballet. perfectly. Thus, it was the ballet studio where I learned the art of paying attention and perfection. There was a good side of perfectionism and then there was a bad side of perfectionism. Ballet is so beautiful to watch because of the perfectionism that comes with the art. The technique that drives each balletic step can make it so beautiful to watch when done with perfect technique. Here's the dichotomy. Sense perfectionism is such an integral part of this art. It can drive dancers into a toxic type of perfectionism. It is generally an art for the youth. You need to start that career at a young age when your body is at its strongest. This can mean you're required to give much of your time to the art in your youth. This leaves very little time to do much else besides practicing. By the time I was 14, I was now in the ballet studio six hours a day. I would go to high school in the morning until about 1130. Then I would leave to go to the University of Utah's ballet department. They had a special concurrent enrollment program where they accepted a handful of high school students across the United States to join the ballet department. We would study and dance alongside their adult students as if we were college. In the ballet world, you would sometimes meet obsessive people because the art took everything. At least it seemed to take everything I wanted other parts of my teenage life. My parents also wanted that variety for me. But anyways, let me give you an idea of the toxic perfectionism that can happen in ballet. When I was 16, I had now made it into Utah Ballet, which was the University of Utah's ballet company. I had a professor, I'm going to call her Miss Vladimir. That name fits her well. Of course it's a made up name to protect her privacy. But this was decades ago. Miss vladimir was teaching the class and she. An important member of the department. This was company class and we've been dancing for about two hours. The last exercise across the floor is usually a big leap with turns, and at the very end of class it is exhilarating it gets all of the anxiety out of your body. We're just about done with class, just about to be over and we hear a bang on the piano. And then a from Miss vladimir Chang, the pianist from China Stop suddenly. He's an amazing man. I took real joy in watching him eat his lunch and play the piano at the same time. Now he's just hit the piano because out of nowhere he's shocked by the fist that's hit it. that's come out of Miss vladimir, She says, I cannot stand it. I cannot stand to watch you dance. The dancers begin to look at each other like, where's this coming from? Miss Vladimir goes on, you give me nothing. You give me nothing. How do you call yourself dancers? You hardly leave the ground when you leave. You hardly leave the ground. on to. Take your dance bags. My first reaction was, super. We're out of here. She's sick of us, but her demand doesn't stop there. Bring your dance bags to the center of the room. What? Bring them to the center of the room. You heard me? Bring them. Pile them on top of each other. Pile them on top of each other. Right here in the center of the room. Trina. Trina, don't back up. Get over here Trina. Trina is wondering what have I done? What is she going to do with me? Miss vladimir walks forward. She grabs Trina by the arm and she plunks Trina right on top of the bags and everyone's wondering what on earth? She says to the rest of us, do the exercise again and leap over the bags. And Trina. Trina, keep your head up. and Trina just looks at us with unbelief. At this point, I'm thinking to myself, Okay. This is crazy. This is not really going to happen because an adult's gonna walk in here and stop this. Right now all of you guys are adults and I'm 16, so I can't stop this, but you guys, you guys are like in your twenties, so you can stop this so someone can stop this. But no one stops this insane demand. And Ms vladimir, she slashes her fingers towards chain And she just says, play the music, and he starts to play. The dancers are all lined up, ready to take their turns. Of course, with much hesitation, but nevertheless, ready, Ms. Vladimir is watching everyone, including me, especially me, because I'm kind of like her little protege at this point. She had her eyes on me and I'm beginning to wonder, And as I'm moving up in line, I'm beginning to pray for. Oh no. Oh, oh. Dear Father, please help me. Please help me. Please lift me. There's this crazy woman I have to jump over. Treated. Please, lift me, give me power beyond my own. Help me. Leap over Trina, please help me leap over Trina. And it's my turn and I take the beginning pose and I shall say, and I step, step and I just leap towards heaven and I look upwards knowing that if my head is up, I will go up and I make it over Trina, I don't hit her and I land, I sh I out. I go into a pirouette and I plant the landing and I just do it perfectly feeling so blessed and relieved. I'm a little bit shaky. I can hardly move. I have to move now because the next dancer's coming. I begin to move out of the way and I'm just praying in gratitude. Thank you, father for helping me. Thank you, father. And then a couple more dancers go. And the next thing I know, Ms. Vladimir says, it's not good enough. It's not good enough. Trina, you ducked your head. Do it again. Do it again. can who do it again? Who's going to do it again? I'm not going to do it again. She wanted everyone to do it again. now people are getting really sheepish and I'm thinking, I cannot do that again. I cannot do that again. This is insane. I'm getting. out of here. I don't know how, but I'm getting out of here. I'm going to get out of here, and I begin to look at the doorway, which is in the front of the studio, and I'd have to pass Ms. Vladimir and out the front of the studio where the exit doors are located. Dancers are looking at each other in fear. We're in this long line and I just wait until she starts looking at the dancer at the front who is about to do the exercise, and I start to back up and I just back up and back up and move ever so quietly and slightly. until I slip out the open door of the studio and into the dressing room, which is directly across from the dance studio, and there's only one door into the dress room and one door, the same door out. I. slam myself against the dressing room wall and start to break down, uh, catching my breath, and then I stop myself and say, you've gotta get out of here. I dash towards my locker. I've got to get my clothes, I've got to get my clothes. I start to get my clothes on, and the next thing I hear is, Stephanie, I can hear it from the studio. Oh no. what am I going to do? So I run into the toilet rooms and I stand on the toilet so no one can see my feet thinking she's going to walk in here any moment. But they're just two toilets and all the dancers start to file into the dressing room and they are saying, Stephanie, where are. where are you? She's gonna kill you Wherever you are, you better get out of here. And there I am standing on the toilet. The girls are knocking on the toilet door. You have to get out of there. I have got to use that toilet. You've gotta find another hiding place. I've gotta go to the bathroom. So now I dash out of the toilet room and down towards the showers. And they keep saying to me, you've gotta get out of here. And I'm saying, well, how am I supposed to get out of there? There's only one door, and as everyone has said, she's right there at the door. Well, there is one girl, Susie. and she's living with my family. She's from California. She's a senior in high school, and she'd come to Utah to be part of the university's ballet department. Susie says, I'll distract Ms. Vladamir.I'm thinking, great. Susie's going to distract her. In the meantime, I run to the showers and I'm hiding the showers. I'm dressed, but I'm hiding in the showers. I'm just waiting for that moment when Susie will let me know. It's clear when I hear Ms. Vladimir enter the dressing room, Stephanie. Stephanie. Stephanie, where are you? Where are you? How dare you leave my classroom. Stephanie, don't hide from me. Come out, where are you? As she walks down the aisles of the dressing room in through the toilet room. I can hear her every step. Then she walks through one shower area, and then my shower area. I'm holding my breath. She passes my shower area soon thereafter, I exhale ever so slightly. I had held my breath for a good long time. At this moment, she rips open my shower curtain and I scream and I duck. I come down to a squat, like that shower scene and that psycho show like she's going to kill me, and she screams because I scream and then I screamed because she screamed. And then she's so angry because she screamed and she lost control. And she says, get a hold of yourself, and I'm trying to get ahold of myself. Then she says, get your bag out of the studio and meet me in my office in two minutes. Okay, Ms. Vladimir, I'll meet you in your office. I run into the studio. I pull on my boots because it's in the middle of winter and I'm pulling on my coat because my coat was in the studio and my nose is running. I'm trying to calm myself. What is she going to do to me? And I'm thinking, what is she going to do to me? I'm going into a crazy woman's office. I don't know what she's gonna do to me, and maybe Susie will call my mom. I'm trying to calm myself. I come to her office and I knock on the door. She says, come in, and I step in. She says, Stephanie come in. I sit down. Stephanie, do you know that I expect no more of my dancers than I expect of myself, and I think to myself at this point. You must live a very sad life. She says, do you realize your potential? Do you realize that you are here on scholarship as a member of the Utah Ballet in this position? You must follow our direction. I am responding. Yes. Ms. Vladimir? Yes, Ms. Vladimir. And the lecture goes on like this and she does remain calm, although she continues to remind me of what my position was at the university as a member of Utah Ballet again and again, and my potential. And then there was a knock on the. Ms. Vladimir was very upset about being interrupted and says, what is it? Susie says, um, it, it's me, Susie, and she opens the door. Ms. Vladimir says, What is it, Susie? Oh, um, excuse me, uh, for interrupting, but Mrs. Rigby is here to pick up her daughter Stephanie. Ms. Vladamir says, Mrs. Rigby is. And Susie says, yeah, she, she's here. She is here. Ms. Vladimir stopped immediately and looks at me and says, Stephanie, we are finished. You may leave. I thank her and Kurtsy and head out the door with Susie and grab Susie's arm and say, thank goodness you came. Where's my mother? And she says, are you kidding me? Your mother's not here. I don't know where your mother is, but who cares? Let's get outta here. And we ran like mad women out of the ballet building to the closest candy counter safely away, but on campus to feel our mouths with chocolate, because that's what ballerinas do when they're really stressed. Now, the reason Ms. Vladimir stopped immediately is because my mother, Mrs. Rigby, had the reputation of being very intimidating. Although Ms. Vladimir was intimidating, Mrs. Rigby was even more intimidating, especially if you crossed one of her daughters. And that leads to the other reason why I started to take on perfectionism, the influence of my mother

Stephanie: 21:41

Who passed away in the year 2016.

Stephanie test: 21:46

By no means did she intend to influence me towards perfectionism, but my natural inclination absorbed the circumstances of her life in this way. My mother was born in 1933 in a small town in West virginia. Her name is Joy Madeline Webb Rigby. Rigby They called my mom Joy. She was raised in the hills of West Virginia, near a small town of white sulfur Springs. She was the oldest of 12 children. Her parents' names were Lola and Loland. She thought as a child that married people had to have matching names as a toddler, my mother contracted polio. Her parents were very young and very poor. It was her fraternal grandmother, Lula Savannah Fury, that was determined to keep my mother alive. She put joy, my mother, in a tin tub of warm oil and would massage her lungs to help her breathe, and enlisted the help of her grown sons and they would take rotations, massaging her lungs, acting as her iron lung. My mother gradually. Began to regain her strength, but in this time, still as a toddler, there was a tragic accident. She was on the second story in her home, which later burned down. Her aunt was making the bed and as a toddler, she was running into the sheets. and then back out of the sheets as her aunt flung the sheets towards her. As joy backed up in this game of play, she fell out of the open window, down two stories into a wheelbarrow and was left paralyzed on the left side of her body. Slowly over some years. Her body regained its movement, but she always had some weakness on this left side. Her face, however, never recovered. It was left completely paralyzed. This meant her left eye could not blink, and her mouth was on the right side of her. And her left cheek was distended as there was no muscle action to hold the face in place. This tragic accident left her with a serious facial malady, which she lived with for the rest of her life. When she was about five years old, she went to Charleston, a town about four hours away. They performed surgery in an effort to correct her face. The state must have paid for it as her family was impoverished. The surgery included removing a ligament from the outside of her thigh, from the knee up to the top of the thigh. They used the ligament to pull the left side of the face back up towards the ear from the few pictures that are available of her at this time in her life. It looks like the surgery made a minor improvement. This was in the 1930s. Of course surgery has improved a great deal in the last century. My mother suffered from the effects of continual persecution and beatings from bullies in the community because of her face. but she had a few courageous family members that helped her overcome seemingly impossible circumstances. I have mentioned one Lula, Savannah Fury, her grandmother that kept her alive, but another hero was her maternal grandfather, Alihue Hoke she considers him her savior on this. The elementary principal refused to let my mother enroll in his school because of her face. It was Alihue Hoke who attended the district office to meet with the principal to convince him to change his mind. Alihue took his shotgun to that meeting, and by darn the principal agreed to let Joy enroll my mom learned quickly how to minimize the taunting and beatings from the other students. When it came to recess time, she would run quickly to the edge of the playground where there was a hedge and hide there with her back towards the playground. There were other struggles. I mentioned earlier that the house burned down. There was no insurance. The only place to live near the farm was a two room home without water. My mother's large family lived in this makeshift home for years. They would have to haul water from a nearby. Imagine living like this as a mother bearing 12 children. No wonder my mother's mother, Lola, was sick most of the time. This left a heavy burden on my mother. The oldest child, her father, Lolan, was an honest. but did not practice any religion and did not want to be bothered with any of his family members practicing a religion. His wife, Lola, was a Mormon and his daughter, joy. My mother, who had a stronger will than her mother, was determined to go to church. My mother knew that household could not run without her help, so she negotiated her way to church. She agreed to milk the cows, take care of the youngins, feed the chickens, and so forth in exchange for her father to take her to church. It was too far away to walk. In those days. There were gas rations because of World War ii. Her father used this as an excuse, but really would use anything as an excuse. He said to Joy through this negotiation, oh girl, I'll take you to that Sunday meeting, but I ain't taken you to that meeting during the week. It's foolery. It's a waste of gas. He was referring to Mutual.

Stephanie: 29:29

a weeknight activity for teenagers.

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My mother backed up a little bit before answering and said, well, daddy, then I ain't milking those cows. You can milk them cows. And then she would run. Later on, she would hear him complaining about her to her mama using his favorite nickname for her Lolan, her dad would say to her mother, Lola, You know what that damn kid said to me? And that's how it went with her daddy until she left home I will share the story of how she finally received permission to be baptized, but that's for another day. It was her hero, grandpa Hoke, that understood the limitations of life for my mother in white sulfur springs West. He was determined to give her a better life, so he taught her well as they drove down Main Street, which was route. He would tell her, this is the road. This is the road, sweet joy. This is the road that will take you out west. This is your way. You do four things. Joy, you graduate from high school. Then you take this route 60 out west till you come to Brigham Young University, which is the Lord's University. You get a degree from that university. Then you go on a mission, you serve the Lord Joy. Then you get married in the temple, the house of the Lord. That's what you do, joy. Now you tell me what you do, repeat it back to, and she would repeat it back to him. he would finish with and sweet joy, don't you come back to these ways. And she knew what he meant by these ways because he taught her, well, don't come back to the poverty. To the persecution or the ignorance that she'd experienced there. My mother accomplished everything on my Grandpa Hoke's list. She prayed each day that she could attend Brigham Young University and get a degree that she could serve a mission for the Lord, that she could find her sweetheart and marry in the temple, that she could raise a righteous. She also prayed for a beautiful home. She was willing to put in the hard work, and her prayers were answered. She was the first in her family line to receive a high school diploma, the first and only one in her line to receive a college degree. She became a successful teacher that looked after each child in her classroom. She served a mission. She married in the temple to a good man. She gave birth to six daughters, even though the doctor said this would be impossible considering her polio, and she taught those daughters the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. She overcame poverty and lived in a home she could only dream of as a child in public. My mother was unflappable. She had come a long way from that little girl that ran to the hedge at the back of the playground. But even so, I was her daughter that knew the joy behind closed doors. I saw the pain she suffered from the stairs, and sometimes the cruelty of strangers, my mother would say to me, it would not be so hard. If I did not naturally have a love for all things aesthetic for makeup and hairdos and fashion, but she loved all those things. She would spend hours in the morning making her hair just right and her makeup just right to me. She was beautiful. Oh, so beautiful. But she did not feel acceptable and beautiful. She never did. She never quite did. This is where the other part of perfectionism came into my life. A need for my mother to make it just right, to look, just right, to be acceptable within society. I like her, have a hard time leaving the house without looking just right. That way of ballet doing it just right. So I've seen the good side of doing things perfectly. It can make things beautiful and can bring us to do our finest work. But I've also seen the toxic side of perfectionism. So as I approach this podcast, I had to say to myself, Stephanie, this is definitely an imperfect podcast. If I did not approach it that way, I would never get it done. And that's because most things I get involved in I want to do perfectly. And now you know why. And I can say that with a smile because my heavenly father understands that about me, and I understand that about me even. I find ways to work around it and the savior finds ways to help me out. when I was a child. The prophet that I remember most that was most significant to me was President Kimball. I loved President Kimball. I came upon a quote that he said in conference in 1952. He says this, remember that Abraham, Moses, Elijah, and others could not see clearly the end from the beginning. They also walked by faith and without sight. Remember that there were no clouds in the sky, no evidence of rain. When Noah built the arc, there was no ram in the thicket. When Isaac and his father left for Mariah for the sacrifice, I came upon that after I was given the urge from the spirit to do this podcast. Dear Daughters of God, I needed that urge. It's said to me, listen, you may not see it as I do, but even so, I want you to keep moving forward in faith and create this podcast. What is it in your life that his words urge you to complete? There's another scripture that spoke to me. It is in the Book of Mormon. In the book of Ether, chapter 12, verse six. At the very end of the scripture, it says, therefore dispute not because you see, not for you. Receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. This scripture came to me after I received that witness that I should do this podcast. So I'm going to go forward in faith and I invite you to join me where you will hear powerful stories that will bring hope and joy in our savior. Jesus Christ. Thank you for listening. Until we meet again, farewell.