Dear Daughters of God, Episode 2, Perfectionism-The Good & The Bad - Part 2

Why are we so drawn to perfectionism? Is it the influence of social media?  Do we bring this pressure on each other?  How is perfectionism different than becoming perfected in Christ? 
"Tune in" to hear an obsession with perfectionism gone wrong. 

Thanks for listening! I'm on Instagram as deardaughtersofgod. Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=1iyjqx0cq4kbk&utm_content=qr66nqv

Transcript

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I am Stephanie Eccles. This is Dear Daughters of God, Episode 2, Striving for Perfection, the Good and the Bad, Part 2. We are inspired by the true life experiences of those around us. My name is Stephanie Eccles. I am an educator, counselor, school administrator, and natural storyteller. From my perspective as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, I share a variety of life experiences that bring us hope and joy in our Savior Jesus Christ. Welcome, dear daughters of God. I address you that way because that's what you are to Him. To our Heavenly Father, you are dear. As one of His dear daughters, I want to go further with our topic about perfectionism. I had not planned on sharing another story about this topic, but I do not feel as if I finished some of the lessons I've learned about perfectionism. A special hello to all the brothers that are tuned in because you love a daughter of God. I welcome you. This experience that I'm about to share occurred about nine months after the infamous leaping experience that I shared in episode one. I've given pseudonames for those involved. It was the Monday after Thanksgiving holiday in the mid 1980s. School was back in session at the University of Utah, but no one really wanted to be on campus so soon after Thanksgiving. I was now 17 years old and in my fourth year as a concurrent enrollment student at the U. This year I had taken a real leap, pun intended, I was attending the U full time rather than going to my high school for my senior year. I took my academic courses there and my ballet courses, and this was at the encouragement of Miss Vladimir, the director of the ballet company Utah Ballet. This allowed me to take all the courses with the university's ballet company called Utah Ballet. It was mid morning on this Monday, and we were in that same studio where the infamous leaping incident occurred. The company class had not yet begun. Now, this would be a mixed class of both men and women because it was for the whole company. And I was on the floor stretching and talking with some of the other women. We were talking about our Thanksgiving weekends, of course. And Bonnie, this delightful woman, she was one of the dancers that was involved in the conversation. It was always interesting to talk to her because Bonnie had this. Wonderful, likable personality, and she was the only one in the company that had already danced professionally. Although Bonnie was a Southern belle, She had danced in European ballet companies. Now, Bonnie was in her mid twenties and she decided she wanted to get a degree. So she had come to the University of Utah to receive a bachelor's degree on a ballet scholarship. She was always given the soloist roles in our performances. And I used to love to stand in the wings and watch her dance. She had this unusual style about her dancing. At least it was unusual for our group of dancers, because she was trained in this French method of ballet, and her upper body just moved more like that of a folk dancer, as if, She was telling a story, but with very feminine, delicate lines, and she made it look just like she was floating across the stage. The audience from our last tour, they just reacted to her dancing with this joyful applause, I would try to glean Everything I could from Bonnie's French balletic ways. Well, here we are on the floor having this fun loving conversation and it all of a sudden came to an abrupt halt when Miss Vladimir... The director of Utah Ballet entered the studio. My back was to the door, but I noticed how everyone around me perked up and set their eyes on the front of the studio and Bonnie said, Well, I declare. She is carrying a scale. Wouldn't you know it, girls. Oh, I am not going to make my required weight. I'm already on probation. From that last The prize weigh in. the one we had in January, I think I was two pounds above weight. Now Bonnie was a thin woman. All of us were thin. Too thin. as soon as she said it, I knew I was also in trouble. I had allowed myself to enjoy, really enjoy, that Thanksgiving dinner, including that pecan pie a la mode. then Bonnie said, Yeah, I'm not going to stay around for Miss Vladimir's dramatized humiliation. I said, What do you mean? Bonnie said, I know what the end result will be. She'll dismiss me from the company right after I get off that scale in front of everyone. I answer Bonnie in a quiet but determined voice. She would not let the best dancer in the company go just like that, Bonnie. She'll be lenient with you. But I could not. Get past the stress in my own body. As I said those words, it was welling up. Miss Vladimir called out. Good morning, members of the Yota Ballet. We have many tasks to accomplish this morning. The first task will be a required weigh in. All of you have been given a set weight according to our professional opinions. It is required that you meet this weight at any time that we see fit to raise the company members. We represent The university as we tour the intermountain west, and we will look our best. If you do not make this wait, you will be placed on probation, and your scholarship and your membership in the Utah Ballet is at risk. You will be given a set amount of time to meet your weight requirement. If you meet it, your scholarship will continue and you can continue on as a member of the Utah Ballet. However, if you have been on probation in the past year and you do not make your weight requirement, your scholarship will be revoked and you will be dismissed from the company immediately. Bonnie looks around at those of us in line that have been involved in the conversation and she says, I'm gonna skedaddle out of here, girls. This is it for me. She turns away from the line Ms. Vladimir stops and watches Bonnie walking away from the line, away from the center of the room where she had directed us to meet, and everything starts to move in slow motion. Bonnie gets to the edge of the studio and picks up her bag, puts it over her shoulder and turns and faces Miss Vladimir. They're about a half a room apart with nothing between the two of them. The room is silent. Everyone is watching for the reaction of Miss Vladimir. She says nothing. She does not make any gesture towards Bonnie. Bonnie's looking at her with a gentle look, almost like, Say something to me. Welcome me back. But Miss Vladimir says nothing. She turns away from Bonnie as if no one was there. And she says to the first dancer, What are you waiting for? Step on ze scale. Bonnie lifts up her hand and waves with a smile and walks out of the studio. That was the last time I saw Bonnie I stood there, shocked, wondering, why am I staying here? Why am I not walking out like Bonnie? But our lives, our lives were in different stages. I had given up my senior year for this chance to dance and tour full time. I was not already on probation, although I might be soon. In my... It bothered an upset state. I was wondering what, what was the point of all the men in the company even being in line. It did not matter what they did or what they weighed. Their weight was like a moving target. The men were Miss Vladimir's glory boys. They could do no wrong. Sure, Miss Vladimir acted like there was a standard for them, but it was a sham. Their favored treatment probably had something to do with the fact that there were never enough men. The ballet could not go on without men to dance as partners to the women dancers. So do whatever it is to make them happy. The women, on the other hand, here we were. So dispensable. There are plenty of young girls nipping at our heels, dying to take our positions. And Miss Vladimir, she knew it. She knew it, and she played it well. That was what was going through my mind as I stood in that line. Dancers began to step on the scale one at a time. There were sighs of relief from dancers. Miss Vladimir announces, of course, when dancers do not make the weight, a female dancer named Linda begins to cry. When she doesn't make her assigned wait and offers promises, Miss Vladimir takes her aside and I wonder, Is there really going to be any mercy? Considering it is the day after Thanksgiving break. It seems like there might be. But then Linda runs out of the studio in tears. This was a day of sudden goodbyes. That was the last time I saw Linda. My turn to step on the scale came all too quickly. I was right. I had reason to be fearful. I was two pounds over my assigned weight. Miss Vladimir says to me, You had too much of your mother's home cooking, and it shows in your two round of a bottom. You are now on probation. You will meet me after class to discuss the details. It is so humiliating to have to take a ballet class in a leotard and tights after your body has been negatively reviewed with a bunch of skinny dancers and smug men. I just wanted to die. It was moments like this one and the infamous leaping class that I shared in episode one I began to spend more and more time Comparing myself in my mind to other dancers. In addition to the comparisons I was making, I was evaluating myself with an impossible standard. My thoughts in my head were swimming with inadequacies. I am not thin enough. I will never be thin enough. My bottom is too round. My body is not right. I cannot leap as high as I should. I cannot turn fast enough. She can turn so much faster. I'm not consistent in my performances. What is wrong with me? My stamina is lacking. She is so consistent and strong. Look at her point work. Why isn't my point work as strong as hers and so on and so forth. Instead of blind love, I have blind inadequacies. I could not see past them. The joy that I used to feel in ballet was replaced by stress. Today, I guess I would use the word anxiety, but back then we hardly used that word. So I would describe it as a feeling of inadequacy. And that gave me stress. I found myself shying away from ballet when I could, and that was hard to do with my obligation to Utah Ballet. That took at least six hours a day. Even so, I was looking for excuses to not attend certain rehearsals or classes because I was overwhelmed by the idea of not measuring up. So I did not want to show up. I was 17 years old. I did not know how to handle or correct what I was going through. It was in times of prayer. That I would feel my Heavenly Father's love, that I was a daughter of God, that He was pleased with me, and that I was good enough. I felt the Savior's direction in my life. What I could not reconcile was how that feeling of peace worked in my life with ballet. This is an example. Of the misery that comes with worldly perfectionism, which is so different than trying our best. We're doing it perfectly. Perfectionism is when we compare ourselves to others. We can never win in the game of perfectionism. We dissect every little aspect about ourselves and compare it to the best parts of others. We are kinder and more forgiving of our friends and their shortcomings than we are of our own shortcomings. So we always come out the loser. This topic was addressed well in our April General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. by Elder Verne P. Stanfield of the Seventy. He said in his talk named the Imperfect Harvest, quote, It is often a temptation in our world and even within the culture of the church to obsess about perfection. Social media, unrealistic expectations, and often our own self criticism create feelings of inadequacy, that we are not good enough, and never will be. Some even misunderstand the invitation of the Savior to be, therefore, perfect. Remember that perfectionism is not the same as being perfected in Christ. Then he goes on. And explains what it means to be perfected in Christ. Quote, Becoming perfected in Christ is another matter. It is a process, lovingly guided by the Holy Ghost, of becoming more like the Savior. The standards are set by a kind and all knowing Heavenly Father, and clearly defined in the covenants we are invited to embrace. It relieves us of the burdens of guilt and inadequacy. Always emphasizing who we are in the sight of God. While this process lifts us and pushes us to become better, we are measured by our personal devotion to God, that we manifest in our efforts to follow Him in faith, as we accept the Savior's invitation to come unto Him. We soon realize that our best is good enough. and that the grace of a loving Savior will make up the difference in ways we cannot imagine, unquote. I cannot help but hear Ms. Vladimir's words, having just recorded them in episode one. It's not good enough! Isn't it wonderful to know that with the Savior. our best is good enough. what I did not understand at the time I was experiencing these feelings of inadequacies was that my thoughts were not the truth. They did not represent me. They were distorted thoughts. I needed to understand that my thoughts of inadequacy were not a reality. My thoughts in my head that were swimming with inadequacies. I am not thin enough. I will never be thin enough. My body's not right. I cannot leap as high as I should. And so on and so forth, they seemed real. Oh, they seemed real. I mean, They drove me to emotions of stress and upset, anger and sadness. And so they felt real. So real. So they must be real, but my thoughts were not the truth about me. They were distorted thoughts. That term distorted thoughts, comes from the work of two psychiatrists. It was a psychiatrist, Dr. Aaron Beck, that brought to light the idea that our automatic thoughts that were often negative about ourselves affected our emotions. His depressed patients thoughts about their lives did not match their actual accomplishments. They thought of themselves as failures, yet their lives demonstrated their successes. Another psychiatrist, Dr. David Burns, thought this positive thought therapy was not worthwhile. He was convinced to try to prove it wrong. he did just that with his patients who were in states of severe depression. That is, try to prove the work of Dr. Beck wrong. The first exercise was to counsel his patients to look at their lives differently. This was prescribed by Dr. Beck. To try to identify Things about themselves that were of worth, but the therapy worked. It was such a drastic success that it changed David Burn's trajectory in his work as a psychiatrist. He brought. CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to the public through writing the book, Feeling Good, which has sold more than 3 million copies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Mood Therapy is based on the idea that our emotions or mood can be changed based on our beliefs. Beliefs come from our thoughts. The way we look at life, in other words, our perspective. If you believe that you are a failure, you will feel depressed. There is much more to learn about changing these distorted thoughts, but you have the basic idea that it starts with changing our perspective in the way we think. I needed to stop those. Thoughts. To interrupt those thoughts and recognize them for what they were and who was influencing me. I mean actually saying to myself, Stop! Those thoughts are not real and they are destructive and hurtful to you. The adversary wants you to feel badly about yourself. Get behind me, Satan. I am a daughter of God. My Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother love me. My body is beautiful and sacred. God has given me a talent to dance and it brings me joy. I can leap so high. I'm working on leaping higher, even higher, but I like my leaps now. I'm naturally a lyrical dancer. And I'm very good at stabilizing my abdominal muscles to maintain balance and fluid movement. These are some of my strengths and so on and so forth. Those are the thoughts I needed to replace my distorted thoughts. What are some of the automatic thoughts in your mind that have become distorted thoughts that really do not represent you? What are they? Identify them. And now, which thoughts will replace those distorted thoughts? Which thoughts are truth about you that demonstrate your goodness and your successes? Practice those thoughts. I pulled away from the place that made these distorted thoughts fester. which was ballet. My interest in ballet waned. I did not want to feel the stress and inadequacy. I finished my bachelor's degree in fine arts, but left the university for a season to go on study abroad with Brigham Young University. When I returned, I chose not to return to Utah Ballet, even with Ms. Vladimir's urging, and finished instead. with advanced ballet classes to complete my degree in fine arts. Interestingly, after I graduated, about two years following that weigh in experience, the ballet department was put on probation for an extended time. The nutrition department took control over All those required weigh ins for ballet dancers. I have to admit that I felt a little redemption for all the ballerinas when that action was taken towards the ballet department. When the time came, I chose not to try out for the local ballet company. After I made that decision, I regretted it. Because it was based partly on fear and anxiety. Now I've had the gift of time. I'm grateful for the journey of life the Lord has given me. I've learned the power of human thought and gradually learned to do my best without slipping in to negative worldly perfectionism. In episode one, I described the detail that led to my mother's facial malady. I encourage you to listen to that episode because the detail is worth everything. But I'll briefly summarize her experience to help you understand the next story. My mother was born in West Virginia in 1933. They called my mom Joy. As a toddler, she contracted polio. She was also in an accident in which she fell from a two story window. both the polio and the accident left her paralyzed on her left side of her body. Gradually, the strength from her body, came back over years, but her face was left completely paralyzed. This meant that her left eye could not blink and her mouth was on the right side of her face, and her left cheek was distended as there was no muscle action to hold the face in place. This left her with a serious facial malady, which she lived with for the rest of her life. My mother suffered from the effects of persecution and beatings from bullies because of her face. She learned quickly how to minimize the tauntings and beatings from the other students when it came to recess time. She would run quickly to the edge of the playground where there was a hedge, and she would hide there with her back towards the playground. Her life changed because of the love and encouragement of her grandfather. As soon as she graduated from high school, she left her hometown with her life savings from working at the grocery store on Saturdays. It was enough for the bus fare and her first month's rent and to start at Brigham Young University. She worked shifts during the day and she was able to receive a bachelor's degree from Brigham Young University. she became a teacher and she served a mission. For the Lord, which was one of the miracles that she and her grandfather prayed for and The other miracle was that she could marry in the temple and raise a righteous seed My mother asked for one more blessing as a child and that was to have a beautiful home And it was important to her as she spent some of her childhood in meager living conditions without running water My mother was an excellent public speaker and teacher. She came across very confident in public. She would receive compliments on her beautiful figure, but there was an underlying emotional pain that was hard for her to face or to get past. She would tell me it would not be so hard if she did not have a natural love for makeup and fashion. She wanted to look just right. The shocked looks and stares from strangers, and sometimes the cruelty, would remind her that her face was different. She did not feel acceptable and beautiful. And she would try harder to look presentable. To me, and really to most people, she was beautiful. But to those that did not know her, she would attract stares. These stairs would remind her again and again in her mind that she was not acceptable. This fueled the fire of her need to look perfect, which increased her anxiety My mother loved the Gospel of Jesus Christ and loved to teach us the Gospel. We always sat on the second pew from the front in the chapel. But this was an unusual Sunday. It was State Conference when many smaller congregations, called wards, all meet together. It takes a larger building and seating goes way back beyond the chapel into the gymnasium. My father must have been called to the hospital as he was a doctor and was not with us that day. We had to sit in the section between the chapel and the gymnasium. It was hard to find seven seats altogether. There we were, my mom and her six daughters. I was her third daughter. I was about eleven years old I noticed that there were big teenage boys in front of us sitting all together. Their size and demeanor made me nervous. Then I noticed one look back at my mother and then another look back at her. My mother ignored them. My nerves climbed as I watched the large teenage boys nudge each other. The largest one looked back and made an awful, twisted like face towards hers, as another boy made an animal sound very ugly back towards her, and a third made another twisted face towards her. And so it went, I was not next to my mother, but I was reaching across my younger sisters to hold her hand. I wanted to hit them. She was now turning her face to the side, away from them. I had not seen my mother lose her confidence in public, but in this moment, an audible wean, a pain came from her mouth, almost mistakenly. The teenage boys stopped their cruelty. Tears were running down my cheeks and my mother's cheeks. I felt hate in that moment. I think we have come a long way as a congregation of Latter day Saints in our effort to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ. In these last four decades. Looking back at that time, I do not remember my mother expressing anger about that frightening experience. What I do remember is she continued to teach us the gospel. The stories of Christ's life, how we must be like our Savior. She taught the words from the prophets. We were back at church on our second pew from the front, just as usual, the next week. I can hear my mother's testimony in these few words of Elder Hollins in his talk. Given in the October general conference in 2017, It is titled. Be Ye Therefore Perfect, Eventually. Quote, Brothers and sisters, every one of us aspires to a more Christ like life than we often succeed in living. If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites. We are human. May we refuse to let our own mortal follies and the inevitable shortcomings of even the best men and women around us make us cynical about the truths of the gospel, the truthfulness of the church, our hope for our future, or the possibility of godliness. unquote Those few words of his could summarize my mother's life and her testimony. Elder Holland goes on to say, quote, If we persevere, Then somewhere in eternity, our refinement will be finished and complete, which is the New Testament meaning of perfection. Unquote. My mother understood that promise from our Heavenly Father, that if we persevere, then somewhere in eternity. Our refinement will be finished and complete. Isn't it wonderful that the New Testament meaning of perfection is finished and complete? I like those words. Finished and complete. Recalling the experience with the teenage boys. brought to my mind. The times that I have offended those around me. I thought, have my words or my looks left my brothers and sisters on this earth feeling less than or not acceptable? Who has been left in emotional pain because of my insensitivity? After having these thoughts, I sought answers. I was reminded of the words of our prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, in April 2023 General Conference, in his talk, The Answer is Always Jesus Christ. President Nelson reminds us of the Savior's words that were heard by the Nephites. These are found in the third book of Nephi. He reads them to us. quote, Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive. Unquote. President Nelson goes on to say. dear brothers and sisters, Jesus Christ extends that same invitation to you today. I plead with you to come unto him so that he can heal you. He will heal you from sin. As you repent. He will heal you from sadness and. He will heal you from the wounds of this world. Unquote. After telling the experience at church with my mother, and then reading the words of our Savior and our Prophet These experiences, have brought a new perspective to my mind and heart about being healed. from Worldly Perfectionism. In my parents generation, mental illness was not talked about openly, as it is today. In many circles, mental illness was a character flaw, a problem that could be overcome with hard work and good character. For this reason and partly her lack of trust, it prevented my mother, from talking to a professional. about that underlying anxiety that she felt in never meeting society's standard of beauty and acceptance. Greater understanding about anxiety and depression, both in the medical field and in our everyday world, are abounding. We are blessed to be living in a time where resources for mental health support are more available to us. One incredible piece of understanding is that our beliefs affect our emotions. Like that that was outlined by Dr. Beck and supported by Dr. Burns and outlined in that book for everybody, Feeling Good and later re edited to Feeling Great. the perspective we choose affects our beliefs and is wrapped into our thoughts. It becomes our thoughts. And we can practice these positive thoughts. These automatic thoughts can become positive. Our thoughts affect our emotions, and they, our emotions, affect our behavior. If my mother were here today, I would teach her about the power of automatic thoughts and the false assumptions that the adversary can lead us to believe. I would teach her how to be kind to herself in her mind by talking to herself as if she were her dearest friend. Why her dearest friend? Because we are so much more understanding and kind to our friends than we are to ourselves. What would we say to them, our dearest friend, about our own accomplishments, if they had been their accomplishments? This is what I would say to my mother, Joy. Joy, you are beautiful. Your blue eyes glisten and your high cheekbones show off your slim nose. Your complexion is smooth and soft. I noticed how you kept going today, managing all your daughter's schedules even though you were so tired. I know your eye burned today from the dryness, not being able to get relief from a blink. You bear it well, Joy. I wish they could figure out something for the fatigue and the pain you feel from post polio syndrome. But no one would be the wiser. You hold yourself tall and walk with confidence even though you are in pain. You are a strong woman, Joy. You are teaching your daughters the gospel. I'm proud of you. The Savior is proud of you. I challenge you, sisters, to be kind to yourselves. Talk to yourselves, in your mind, throughout the day, as if you were your dearest friend. Because we are so much more understanding and kind to our friends than we are to ourselves. What would you say to them, your dearest friend, about your accomplishments, if they had been their accomplishments? If I were a mother of young children, and a nurse, and my name was Jessica, I would say this. Jessica, you did it. You got to your 5. 30am shift at the hospital, even after being up with the baby last night two times. You can handle so many responsibilities. You were kind to that very difficult patient that threw his food. And I noticed the smiles and hugs that you gave when you came home. I feel the peace and love of the Savior in your home. I can see how your prayers are being answered. You're teaching and loving your children like the Savior would. I love you, Jessica. If I were a mother of a teenage boy. That was in trouble with the law. And my name was Audrey. I would say this, Audrey, Sweetheart, you are one patient mother. I was so impressed with the way you held it together in the principal's office. I can see how it was a humiliating situation with your son. The plan you've created is going to help him. And he knows you love him. How did you do it, sweetheart? How did you do it with such love? You are incredible, Audrey. You are doing the Savior's work. Those are the conversations that we should have in our minds. That's how we are kind to ourselves. Remember, sisters, as we strive to be more like our Savior, Jesus Christ, be kind to yourself. There's a scripture found in the Book of Mormon in 2nd Nephi, chapter 33, verse 6. Nephi wrote this scripture, and I feel like Nephi did as he wrote this. He says, quote, I glory in plainness, I glory in truth, I glory in my Jesus, unquote. That is how I feel. I glory in my Jesus. Now imagine me holding your hand. As I say, farewell for now, until we meet again.