Dear Daughters of God -Episode 7 - "He said, What?"

Dear Daughters of God, Episode 7: 

Have you ever been in a place, when out of no where, someone says something so off color,  that it makes you want to cringe and disappear? It leaves you wondering, did he just say that? What about the one he addressed with a facial malady? How does she take it? What happens next? 
But the tension does not end there. Just when it all seems to have settled down a crazed fit is about to erupt in your dorm room in front of your roommates. How does a facial malady, menopause, and 30 years of time affect the perspective of this painful and absurd situation? Tune in to hear the rest of the story.

Thanks for listening! I'm on Instagram as deardaughtersofgod. Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=1iyjqx0cq4kbk&utm_content=qr66nqv

Transcript

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I am Stephanie Eccles. This is Dear Daughters of God, Episode 7. He said, What? We are inspired by the true life experiences of those around us. My name is Stephanie Eccles. I'm an educator, counselor, school administrator, and natural storyteller. From my perspective as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, I share a variety of life experiences that bring us hope and joy in our Savior, Jesus Christ. Welcome, dear daughters of God. I address you that way because that's what you are to Him. To our Heavenly Father, you are dear. I would like to share a story closer to home today. I was sitting in a Sunday school class surrounded by adults. The lesson was on faith and tribulation. As we studied the scriptures, the conversation included examples of how our faith and tribulations could affect us in life. Sometimes the bitter cup could leave us bitter. yet, in other circumstances or other people's lives, their trials made them Even stronger in their faith. What was it that made the difference? How could we endure our trials and become better rather than bitter? As we were discussing these matters, the Spirit brought to my mind a scene from my life with my mother that had occurred three and a half decades earlier. I felt Like I should share the story, but I could not bring myself to raise my hand. I was choked up from emotion and I lacked the courage. So today I'll share it in greater detail than what I could have shared in that Sunday school class. Now in episode one, I describe the detail that led to my mother's facial malady, and I encourage you to listen to that episode because the story is really in the detail. But today I'll briefly summarize her experience to help you understand today's stories. My mother was born in West Virginia in 1933. They called my mom Joy. She's now passed away in the year 2016. As a toddler, she contracted polio, and from polio, was left paralyzed on the left side of her body. Gradually, the strength from her body came back over years, but her face was left completely paralyzed. This meant that her left eye could not blink and her mouth was on the right side of her face and her left cheek was distended as there was no muscle action to hold the face in place. This left her with a very serious facial malady, which she lived with for the rest of her life. My mother was finally able to enroll in school after much conflict because of her face. While in school, she put up with continual persecution and tauntings and teasings and beatings from the other students who were bullies, and sometimes it was from the adults. but because of the encouragement of her family and especially her grandfather, Elihu Hoke. She stayed in school and graduated from high school she and her grandfather had prayed for four miracles in her life. first, that she could attend Brigham Young University, which they knew was the Lord's University and she used her life savings from working at the store on Saturdays and she had enough for the bus fare and to start at Brigham Young. and she did graduate from Brigham Young University and became a teacher. And second, that she would serve a mission for the Lord. And third, that she would marry in the temple. And fourth, that she would raise a righteous seed. She was told when she was young that she would never be able to have children because of polio. And she prayed for one more blessing, and that was that she could have a beautiful home. And all of those miracles came true. Now, she was a very talented woman. She was an excellent public speaker and teacher, and she came across very confident in public. She would often receive compliments on her beautiful figure. But there was always an underlying emotional pain that was hard for her to get past. And it was her face. And she would explain to me it wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have a natural love for makeup and fashion and everything aesthetic. She wanted to look just right. And she passed that natural inclination. To me and the shocked looks and stares from strangers and sometimes the cruelty would remind her that her face was different and she did not feel acceptable and beautiful and she would try harder to look presentable. Now, to me, and really to most people, she was beautiful. But to those that did not know her, she would attract stares, and these stares would remind her again and again that she was not acceptable, and this fueled the fire of her need to look perfect, which increased her anxiety. Now that you understand that background, let's go to... The story I want to share today, which happened in the fall of 1986, I will use pseudonames in this story. I had recently celebrated my 19th birthday while on study abroad with Brigham Young University in Austria. I was a junior in college because I went to the University of Utah very early in my high school years because of my advanced placement in ballet. And I share more about this in Episodes 1 and 2. Now Brigham Young University has the very best study abroad programs. I look back at that time and I'm amazed at the opportunities and travel, the lectures and tours that BYU's program provided. We visited 12 countries on this study abroad. And at the very end of our study abroad, we'd be traveling to Jerusalem for an extended period of time. And a portion of that visit would be in the new Jerusalem Center, which was very exciting. My mother had always wanted to go to Jerusalem. It was her dream. So she arranged to join me on Study Abroad for that portion, and it worked out really well because my father was going to go at the same time to study with a physician. As a side note. You can hear about my father Under comical surgery event. In episode number four. Back to the story. He was going to stay with another physician in Germany. While my mother came to Europe, I toured with the group in Europe and then traveled with us to Jerusalem. It was not uncommon, believe it or not, at that time for parents to join their students for the Jerusalem portion of the study abroad experience. So now my mom is in Europe with me on study abroad. This is towards the very end of study abroad. I had been on study abroad now for about four or five months. We had just finished a tour in Italy and now we were traveling back up to Austria to prepare to go to Jerusalem. Most of our travel was by train. My mother and I were in a compartment and we were not alone. We were with two more people. One was a leader of my study abroad group. His name was Brother Jensen. And his son, Tim. And Tim was about a year younger than me. The compartment has a sliding door to enter and then there's a bench seat on the left and a bench seat on the right and the bench seats face each other. You've probably seen this in the Harry Potter movies or other movies like that. We've been on the train riding this compartment for a couple of hours and the conversation between us had stopped and everyone was now working on their own projects I noticed that Tim started fidgeting He then said, out of nowhere, Sister Rigby, have you ever wondered what you did? Before this life, deserve such a face as the one you have, the deformed one God gave you. In the first split second, I was stung by the shock of his words. Then it became real. He really said those cruel words to my mother in front of his father. Directly to my mother, staring her in the eye. She lowered her head. I knew she was trying to contain herself. This is when I wanted to leap towards him in attack, and I almost did. I could feel my muscles twitching, but I stopped myself. His father, my director, was right next to him. What was I going to do, tear his eyes out as his father pulled me off of him? Instead, I took my mother's hand and tried to calm myself. My mother looked up calmly, but I knew the pain that she was feeling. She began an answer explaining that she had not committed a sin before coming to this earth. That the Lord had allowed the results of polio to leave the left side of her body and face paralyzed. She felt blessed. that the strength of her body returned that she would understand someday why she lived on this earth with this trial. In the meantime, she knew. The Lord loved her like she knew He loved. As she spoke, I used my eyes like the Star Wars lightsabers. I had learned this technique from my mother. It was one of her defense mechanisms from years of being bullied. My eyes burned holes into Tim's soul. He could feel my anger. And avoided eye contact with me. If he had just looked at me, he would've burned in pain. I could imagine him writhing in pain, and that's what I wanted. During this traumatic time, I looked at my leader of study abroad. Again and again, waiting for him to correct his son to say or do anything to try to rectify the situation. He did not say anything. He only sat there, kind of looking oblivious, as if wondering what would play out next. I was shocked by his seeming lack of care. So I glared at him with my lightsabers, hoping that he might feel the burn. I know that my mother knew in her heart what she said was right and that she believed it. She had no doubt that her Heavenly Father loved her and that there was a reason that she would understand at some point as to why she lived with this facial malady. But I also knew the pain and the struggle she would experience to face the world in the next few weeks as she was in this strange place with travel anxiety away from her husband and those that she loved. All from the onset of this teenage boy's cruel words towards her. I had so much anger swelling up inside of me. I just wanted to escape the compartment, to scream, to call out, this isn't fair. But I knew I could not leave my mother in that compartment with these two men by herself. So I prayed to my father in heaven for mercy. To lift my mother's pain and my pain and anger. Gradually, the chugging of the railroad became louder and louder. And then understanding came to my mind. And I saw that I had been blessed. At my tender age of 18, I understood the pain of a woman with a facial malady because I had been raised by her. I understood it better than a middle aged man. I was reminded of the pain that the Savior suffered in Gethsemane, not only for our sins, but for all of the emotional pain and unfairness that we suffer on this earth. I realized that like the Savior that understood and felt all of our pain, I was blessed to understand and feel the pain of a woman with a facial malady. This was a gift given to me by her, my mother, and understood by my savior, a blessing in disguise. There's this wonderful talk called Tested, Proved, and Polished, given by President Henry B. Eyring, Second Counselor in the First Presidency. He says this, quote, The father's plan of happiness Has at its center are becoming evermore like His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. In all things, the Savior's example is our best guide. He was not exempt from the need to prove Himself. He endured for all of Heavenly Father's children, paying the price for all our sins. He felt the suffering of all who have and will come into mortality. When you wonder how much pain you can endure, well, remember him. He suffered what you suffer so that he would know how to lift you up. unquote. God gives us opportunities in this life to become like our Savior, Jesus Christ, and to lift one another's burdens. A question was asked of my mother. What have you done in the premortal life to deserve such a face by a boy that did not know better? While he was next to his father, who just didn't know what to say. And now that I've raised my children, I can relate to him. A similar question was asked of Jesus by his disciples in the new English translation of the Bible in John chapter nine, verses one through three. It says this, quote, Now as Jesus was passing by, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. His disciples asked him, Rabbi, who committed the sin that caused him to be born blind? This man or his parents? Jesus answered. Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but he was born blind, so that the acts of God may be revealed through what happens to him, unquote. Mortality brought polio to the area where my mother lived as a baby. Not God. But some might say, what if God had healed my mother's face? Verse 3 says, quote, Jesus answered, Neither this man nor his parents sinned. But he was born blind so that the acts of God may be revealed through what happens to him, unquote. So I look at my mother's life as a whole and what happened to my mother. She told me that as long as she could remember, she had an innate understanding that God was her Father in Heaven. That his church had been restored to this earth and that the book of Mormon was the word of God. If God had healed her face, would she have had the determination to stand up against her father? and bargain with him her whole life for her right to be baptized and to practice religion, like her right to attend church? Would she have fought for that right? She did what her mother did not dare to do herself. My mother's facial malady pushed her to develop an iron will. She needed that iron will to live faithfully. Would Ailey Hugh Hoke, her grandfather, have been determined to help her find a better life outside of White Silver Springs, West Virginia? Would he have made such an effort to teach her how to get that better life, the road to take? To leave the small town, and the four things she must do to reach that better life. Graduating from high school. Going to Brigham Young University. Serving a mission and marrying in the temple. If she had not had a facial malady. This is the same man that could only convince the principal to enroll her in his school by taking a rifle to the district office meeting. My mother was the oldest of 12 children, nine of which made it to adulthood. She was the only one to receive a college degree. She was the only one to serve a mission. These accomplishments were just beyond the family's financial means. Would she have had the strength, the gumption, the fortitude, to overcome such poverty to leave White Sulphur Springs if she had not had her facial malady to receive a college degree? My mother's facial malady pushed her to develop an iron will. There are these hinge points that leave us to question how would it have been different if the Lord had healed her face? As her daughter, I think if she were the Beauty Queen, first, I don't think she would have left White Sulphur Springs. But if she'd ever met my father, I don't think she would have considered dating him as he was the science nerd. The Apostle Paul talks about the benefit of his weaknesses in the scriptures found in the Bible 2nd Corinthians chapter 12 verse 9. This is the New English translation of the Bible. Verse nine, it says this, quote, But he said to me, this is the Savior's words, quote, My grace is enough for you. My power is made perfect in weakness, unquote. Then Paul says, So then I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. Paul is happy to boast in his weakness because the Lord told him that the power of Christ will reside in him. The Lord said, quote, My grace is enough for you. My power is made perfect in weakness, unquote. Paul is happy to boast in his weakness because the Lord told him that the power of Christ will reside in him. The Lord said, quote, My grace is enough for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness, unquote, meaning the Lord's power was in my mother's weakness. It was his power that made her accomplishments possible. The experience on the train came to my mind so quickly and with such detail. It was as if I was reliving it, yet I had not thought of it in decades. On the other hand, I had recalled many times before and even shared with my family another experience that happened shortly after the experience on the train. I will call the other experience the haircut story. And I'll share that with you shortly. But first, why did the Lord want me to remember the train experience? And why now? Let me share some history that will help me uncover the why. In the winter of 2022, I was visiting an ENT doctor about this consistent sinus pressure and pain. It turns out that I didn't have a sinus infection, but I've been having this pain on and off for a few years. And I saw this poster in his office advertising a simple cryoprocedure called Clarifix. That's what they called it. It's supposed to help reduce runny nose. And this was one of the major symptoms I had along with my sinus pressure. The procedure was supposed to be wonderful because it could be done after work and one could return to work the very next day. So I asked the doctor about this Clarifix procedure. The doctor explained that it was done right in the exam room and it was very simple. It would take only about 45 minutes to complete and the reduction of the runny nose would take about six to eight weeks after the procedure was completed. I asked if the results showed that there were any increase in headaches for those that had the procedure, because I was already having plenty of headaches and I did not want any more of those. So he replied in a very nonchalant manner, um, well, no one's complained about headaches. So I decided to give it some thought. went on with my business. In the last couple of years, I've been experiencing some annoying health issues like neck pain and stiffness. In addition to feeling like I had the flu about every month with this headache. And I did not think they were migraines, but severe headaches with that flu. I knew the difference because as a child, I had migraines. I started when I was about age eight, and I would have about six to eight migraines a year. Gradually, I grew out of these migraines. They became fewer and fewer, and as an adult, I only had about four a year. So few migraines as an adult, they were hardly worth the effort. mentioning. From my experience, I thought I really knew the difference between migraines and headaches. So these annoying flu like symptoms were going on during COVID, which meant for a school administrator whose position was to always be on campus, I was getting a COVID test about every three weeks. I had to prove, like everyone else, that my symptoms were not the virus. My tests were always negative. I was almost always at school. Matter of fact, I did not get COVID until July of 2021 after being vaccinated two or three times, I understood something about myself. My obsessive personality would keep me engrossed in my work so I could not leave things partway done. My children were raised. I would just stay at school for long hours. So I ignored these symptoms until they could not be ignored anymore. For the most part, I just kept them to myself. I was surprised I was having these health issues though, because I was in good shape. I was slim. I ate a healthy diet and I exercised. I remember thinking to myself, I'm, you know, I'm nearing my mid fifties. I'm way too young to be feeling this way. What's going on? So I thought, okay, is it stress? It was a really intense situation in my career at Excelsior as the executive director. We'd completed a rigorous application process with the Utah State Board of Education to expand our school, campus, and enrollment. this second expansion application was considerably larger than an earlier one that we completed. The state had accepted the second expansion request, which was an incredible. Accomplishment and we were excited, but now we had to decide, could we afford to complete the expansion? And was it right? Was it the right time to grow from 1, 400 students to 3, 000 students? This would be a multi million dollar project and we had a limited amount of time to come to the decision. That's what I mean by an intense situation at Excelsior. I had hoped that this Clarifix procedure, the one for runny nose, would decrease the sinus pressure by reducing nasal congestion in addition to reducing my runny nose. So with that in mind, I booked the appointment for the Clarifix procedure for the end of a work day. And, with the idea, I go back to work the next morning. I like the idea of easy therapies, bring me relief and get me back to work. In the procedure, I was awake and in a I was in a sitting up position, I remember experiencing a sharp, shooting pain in my left nostril. And boy do I wish I would have said something at that point. But I figured, Hey, it's surgery. It's supposed to hurt. Well, they did warn me that I would have a brain freeze headache from this procedure. And the next day that did occur. I did have that brain freeze headache. But the day after that, I had a low grade migraine and I was back to work. And so I just took some Advil. Unfortunately, a couple of days later, I had another migraine and then another day or so later, another migraine. And it continued on like that. And about two weeks after the procedure, I'm having migraine headaches daily. And they're getting gradually more severe. And off and on, I'm also experiencing a sharp stabbing pain in the left mid face area, including my left cheek, my left eye, and my left nostril, like in the surgery, that very spot. Eventually, I learn... That these are cluster headaches. After many weeks of waiting, I get into a neurologist. I was thinking if I could just see someone that's specialized in the field of migraine, then I would get better. This doctor, he could prescribe the specialty migraine medicines, and I started them with great anticipation that this would solve the problem. In the meantime, I was going to work daily. My family was beginning to wonder if I'm going to be able to continue on. With love and concern, they bring up the possibility of retirement, and I'm thinking I'm way too young to retire. But I did take it to prayer. I felt the answer was that I was not finished with my work at Excelsior, which meant to me I'd get better. Unfortunately, I did not get better. I was only getting weaker from the daily migraine and cholesterol headaches that started around 2 a. m. I wondered, what am I doing wrong? I have received several blessings. Why am I not getting better? I am being faithful. Now, of course, I realized that faithful people got sick all the time. Religious history was a perfect demonstration of that. But I did not have a life threatening disease like cancer. I just needed the right treatment and medications. But here I was with those right medications apparently and I was getting worse, not better. Stirring in the back of my mind. And in my heart was the memory of an experience that I had had about a year earlier. It occurred while I was driving to work. I was feeling good about the day ahead. I was making good time in my commute. And then I find myself caught up in a vision in my mind. I was completely engrossed in a vision. There I was sharing stories in a podcast called Dear Daughters, I knew the stories I was to share. I felt guided by the Spirit of the Lord. It felt imminent. It was uplifting, a powerful and beautiful experience. It felt as if that is what I should be doing. Afterward, I was in a place of awe. I thanked the Lord for the vision. I shed silent tears. As I got closer to work, reality set in. I wondered, how would I possibly fulfill that vision while holding my current position? It must be for when I retire. That won't happen for a very long time. Now, let's go back to where I was a moment ago, where I needed the right treatment and medications. But here I am getting worse, not better. In the early spring, I had told my board of directors, they're the people I report to, that I would recover and continue my work at Excelsior. Now that it was nearing the end of the school year. I had my doubts. I had now had 70 days straight of migraines and cluster headaches and had never been so weak in my life, nor felt so vulnerable. I arrived at work on a Thursday. The next week was the final week of school. This was going to be a long day as there was a board meeting that evening. I would be giving a lengthy presentation at that board meeting. By 9. 30 in the morning, I knew this was going to be a severe migraine. I darkened my office and I took a 15 minute blackout break with a hat over my eyes and holding as still as I could to reduce the pain. I pleaded with the Lord for relief and an answer to my prayer. What was I supposed to do about my position at Excelsior? The pain eased for about 30 minutes. I came to the conclusion to announce my resignation to the board in private at the end of the board meeting. I would work until the end of June to close out the school year. By 10pm that night when I resigned, I was too weak and sick to drive myself home. My husband had to come pick me up. As an administrator, I had had plenty of late nights at school, but never in 15 years did I need anyone to take me home. I knew this was the right decision for my life. I had given myself time to say my goodbyes to my Excelsior friends. I did not realize at the time how difficult it would be once I was really gone. I was focusing on the hard parts of my work. How nice it would be to lay down when I was in pain, and not having to complete Another state report, or resolve an argument between two out of control parties. I didn't look at the full picture. I was not in a strong enough state to see it at the time. I did not expect to go through remorse. Remorse for the relationships that I relied on daily. Remorse for the position of being desperately needed. Remorse for structure and a daily schedule. I did not know how to do life. if you will, without a school schedule and by darn, I couldn't fake it. The migraines were a big deterrent there. Retirement was at first, well, for a short while liberating, but it too quickly became debilitating. Who was I? Now I had the time to create that vision in my mind, but I did not have the courage or wherewithal. What was wrong with me? I thought of every reason why I couldn't do it and I let those thoughts dwell in my mind. I do not have the technical skills. Matter of fact, to those that are technically inclined, they would say that I was technologically impaired. And I would agree with them. I'm not a gospel scholar. I do not know enough to share. I have brain fog. I feel like half my brain is tied behind my back. I do not have a team. Am I supposed to do this alone? These are some of the thoughts that were overwhelming my mind as I am mourning the loss of who I once was. This is the state I was in as I was sitting in that Sunday school class, the one where we were discussing faith and tribulation. Sometimes, I've learned, it takes years of life experience and then some real hardship for us to be in a place where we are ready to learn. Ready to feel another person's burdens. I was there in that Sunday school class. This was the time the spirit could remind me of the experience on the train. And more importantly, that it had occurred just a short time before the haircut experience. There's a reason that I shared so much detail about the symptoms I was having before deciding on the Clarifix cryosurgery. The stiff neck. the runny nose and sinus pressure, the flu like symptoms, yet not sinus infection. These are symptoms for atypical migraine. If you are experiencing symptoms like these, consider seeking treatment for migraine before going through sinus surgery. Let's go into the haircut story. I used to use this story as an example of a way to set personal boundaries. Now, I look at it differently. In the 80s, my mom was one of the many women that went through a hysterectomy. I wonder if medical science thought that it was a way of rectifying menopause. Well, it didn't work out well for many women. and my mother fit into that category. this haircut story happened after that hysterectomy and those. menopausal years. Now, my mother wore her hair very high in a done up afro like hairdo. Every piece was curled and directed just perfectly. And she had beautiful, thick hair with a slight wave to it, but this was done perfectly. Curled, directed. this hairdo made her feel taller and it made her look taller. She was five foot two and my father was six foot seven. It was a rare moment when my mother was not wearing heels and I liked to tease her that she'd step straight from the bathtub into her heels. Her hair gave her great security. It was impossible, though, to find a hairdresser that suited her. And the more modern the hairstyles became, the harder it was to find someone that would do her hair as she liked it, because it was not a modern hairdo. Whenever my mother got her hair done, it meant great stress in our household. Because she was rarely satisfied with it, and because she was rarely satisfied with it, it did not matter what one of us said to her about her hair. She would see it as an insult. If you liked it, And she did not like it, then she would blame you for thinking she was not good enough to have a beautiful hairdo. And if you tried to side with her, that her hair was not done well, as well as it should be done, well then you were insulting her or making her feel bad because her hair was not good enough for you. So it was a no win situation. So all of us, as her daughters, did everything we could to avoid any interaction with mom at this time. We would stay in the basement, where our bedrooms were located. And if you were hungry enough... Then you would come up the stairs, but just halfway. Then you would climb up the banister the rest of the way. Because if you came up to the top of the stairs, then mom would see you. Because at the top of the stairs, straight across was the family room. And that's where she would be in that family room. And it was best. Leave her in the family room, hope that she got involved in some funny comedy, because that's where she would recover from her traumatic hairdo. Just everyone pray for that. Get her involved in a funny comedy. So we'd be climbing up the banister at the halfway mark, and then we'd. backtrack our steps back towards the living room and go in the living room and then through the dining room and then we would just take the leap very quietly. We're all dancers, so we know we don't do that. There's just two feet, just a leap of two feet into the kitchen and you get the food as quickly as you could very quietly and leap back or army crawl back into the dining room and then the living room. And back to the halfway mark of the banister. And it's best if you cooperated with another sister and hand the food down, and then you crawl up back over the banister and down the wall a little bit and go back down the stairs. And that is how we recovered when Mom got her hair done. These were the menopause years for my mother. Well, here we were in Austria and the next day we're going to Jerusalem. And my mother says, Oh dear. I did not have time to get my hair cut before I left the States. What am I going to do? Well, I'd been away from home for about five months, and maybe I forgot how stressful it was when she got her hair cut. Because I said, Well, there's this hair salon right across the street from the dormitory. You could go there. What was I thinking? Ah, well, she said, has anyone else used that hair salon? I said, yes, there's this other girl named Rebecca who's used the hair salon. She liked it. So she said, well, I think I should, I think I should go get my haircut done across the street. Well, neither of us spoke hardly any German, but I go with her as support and we try to explain to this hair stylist what she would like done. So I leave her there after explaining as best we can what she'd like done to her hair and I go back over to the Bodin Center, and I'm in a group room with five other roommates and we have our own bathroom before long I Get up to walk into the bathroom and I trip on something and cut my foot and it's bleeding and a mess So I'm now in the bathroom Cleaning up the blood and trying to stop the bleeding. the next thing I know, one of my roommates is calling out and says, Uh, Stephanie, um, your mom's here. And... I knew immediately something is very wrong. That doesn't sound good. And I hopped back to the door over by the bathroom and I peeked my head out. Hi. And there's my mom and she's at the door and she looks like she is going to tear the place apart. She has the look on her face like she is so angry. Her hands are in fists and she is trembling in anger. She has a look on her face like she is enraged and her fists are clenched and she is standing there trembling in fury. And right away. As I'm holding my foot up to my waist, I realized what On earth, was I thinking, oh, and I say, hi mom, I'll be right there. I quickly grab a shoe and hop wobble my way out of the room, directing her out of the room. And I'm so embarrassed. I just want to. I want to die. I want to die that she behaved like that in front of my roommates. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to say anything. Her intensity and her look and her trembling was enough to leave all of them wondering what on earth just happened. once I get her out of the whole bod and center. We're now walking up about three blocks to the top of the hill where our hotel is, where she's staying. In her overly heated state, she says, they destroyed my hair. How could you send me there? And I'm thinking, I didn't send you there. And I'm ready to fight. And just be done with it. I want nothing to do with it. And she is saying, I'm going to have to go home. I can't possibly go to Jerusalem looking like this. They've destroyed my hair. Look at this. And it did look terrible. She cut it so short. I couldn't believe how it looked, but. This was just intense situation that I wanted just nothing to do with, but my mother needed something more than I could possibly give her. she was so angry. By the time we get to the top of the hill, I get her into the hotel, into her room, and she's saying, I can't go to Jerusalem like this. I cannot. I cannot believe that I look like this. And I say to her, then just don't go. I'm going to Jerusalem. If you're on the bus in the morning, great. If not, good luck. And I turn and walk away. I had never done such a thing like that in my life. At that time, it didn't even occur to me what had happened just a couple of days before. That she had been questioned as to what sin had she possibly committed to deserve such a face. None of that was in my memory. All I knew was... These are my limits. This is my boundary. And that's really what I could handle at that age. Thank goodness she was on the bus the next morning to go to Jerusalem. I don't know what I would have done if she had not been there. now, 35 years later, when I'm just about at her age, in my experience of living, I was ready to remember the time on the train. And to see her with eyes of charity. now I knew I would have gone to her and said, Mom, come with me. And kindly direct her out of my room. I would have told her as we walked up the hill how unfair it was and wrong that her hair was done so poorly and that I was sorry that it was cut in such a way, so short, and that she felt so awful about it. I would assure her that even with her haircut mishap, she was still beautiful. And I would have really listened to her complain as we walked to the hotel. And then I would have suggested that we have dinner brought in and that we watch a funny show together. that we were going to go to Jerusalem together and see all the sites that she had read about and dreamed of visiting. And although she was not there with me. I knew that I was that person that could now show her charity. Was the Lord showing me yet another gift that I could attain by remembering where I came from and who raised me? When I was considering quitting ballet, I could not get past losing my identity. Everyone knew me as a ballerina. Who would I be if I was not Joy and Odell's daughter, the one that was a ballerina? I remember breaking down in tears, expressing this fear to my mother. I said, I can't quit. Who would I be? She said, who would you be? You would be a daughter of God. You'd be Stephanie Rigby, a daughter of God. What's better than that? Distinguishing between our identities, our very beings, as compared to our earthly roles that we play while we're on earth, was talked about by Elder Christopher G. Gerard Carrier of the Seventy, in his talk called, We Are His Children, quote, French is not who I am. It is where I was born. White is not who I am. It is the color of my skin or lack thereof. Professor is not who I am. It is what I did to support my family. General Authority 70 is not who I am. It is where I serve in the kingdom at this time. First and foremost, as President Nelson reminded us, I am a child of God. So are you. And so are all other people around us. I pray that we may come to a greater appreciation of this wonderful truth. It changes everything. unquote. I was so grateful for his delineation of our work as compared to who we are. Today I can say, Lord, even if one person listens to this podcast, I'm telling the stories. I'm fulfilling dear daughters of God like you showed me in my head. It did take me longer than someone with technical skills, but I did it anyway and I did it because I love you, Lord. In 2nd Nephi chapter 4 verse 20. It says, quote, My God hath been my support. He hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness, and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep, unquote. He is there for us. We are his children. That is my promise. Thank you for joining me today. For now, I will say farewell until we meet again. I want to thank you, our listeners for your help. In our last episode, I had asked you if you would share this podcast. With those you loved. And you must have. Because we have reached 500 downloads in our Jair daughters of God podcast. And we are so excited about reaching this goal. We want to thank you for helping us reach this goal. Our next goal is 1000 downloads. So we asked that you can tell you to share this with your friends and family. And we thank you so much for your help. And for listening. You can find Dear Daughters of God on Instagram and Facebook. I hope you'll look us up.