Dear Daughters of God - Episode 12 - Overcoming Abuse with the Understanding of Divine Worth

Resilience, Faith, and Triumph: Sarah Mabey's Journey Beyond Abuse and Loss

This episode of 'Dear Daughters of God' features the life journey of Sarah Mabey.  An abusive online relationship left her with a diminished sense of self-worth. She manages to escape with the aid of "new" friends. Despite a tragic future loss, and facing numerous challenges, Sarah never loses hope. She receives divine guidance and is reminded of God's love and her divine worth.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/64U4cqhF3eZ8TXU3VerW7C?si=dSrt8JWpRlSIbr7F_B33uA

Thanks for listening! I'm on Instagram as deardaughtersofgod. Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=1iyjqx0cq4kbk&utm_content=qr66nqv

Transcript

0:00

I am Stephanie Eccles. This is Dear Daughters of God, Episode 12, Overcoming Abuse with the Understanding of Divine Worth. We are inspired by the true life experiences of those around us. My name is Stephanie Eccles. I'm an educator, counselor, school administrator, and natural storyteller. From my perspective as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, I share a variety of life experiences that bring us hope and joy in our Savior, Jesus Christ. Welcome, dear daughters of God. I address you that way because that's what you are to Him. To our Heavenly Father, you are dear.

Sarah Mabey: 0:42

We have a special guest today. Her name is Sarah Mabey. I met missus Mabey at Excelsior Academy, and I'm gonna introduce her to you and then I'll tell you more about her as I know her. Sarah grew up in Spanish Fork, Utah, and she was there until she's about 9 years old, and then her father's job caused them to relocate into North Texas. So most of her childhood memories were created there in the colony, about an hour outside the Dallas Fort Worth area. after graduating from high school, Sarah attended several colleges, including Con County Community College in Texas, then Brigham Young University, and Salt Lake Community College in Utah. She was trying out many different majors, including physics teaching home economics and nursing. She always wanted to be a teacher and a mother since she was very little. But she also had a passion for the hard sciences like math, medicine, and engineering. Every 1 of those attempts at a degree fell through. She went through many struggles trying to find her calling. she stopped trying for a degree for a while, and she focused on herself and her family. Eventually, she found Excelsior Academy in Erta, Utah, and it felt so right. She was encouraged by a coworker after being at Excelsior for a while to go back to school and complete her teaching degree. This coworker saw the passion in Sarah behind her anxiety that she was experiencing, and she told Sarah about Western Governors University, an online college where she was able to finish her teaching degree. So 16 years after graduating from high school, Sarah, without having to attend classes away from home, She now has finished her degree and she's now an intern in a full day kindergarten classroom at Excelsior Academy, honing her skills under the tutelage of a master teacher until there is an opportunity for her to teach in her own classroom. So welcome, Sarah. We're so thrilled to have you. Thank you. It was at the end of my career as the executive director of Excelsior Academy that I met Sarah. She was hired as an instructor. Many schools call that, a teacher's assistant or a TA. We called them instructors. what I remember about Sarah was, that Sarah was often smiling in the hall and she would catch my attention because she often smiling, and wearing purple. so I asked her 1 day, you must really like the color purple. And she goes, I love the color purple. And I said, I really like the color purple too. So we have that in common. so we'd pass each other in the hall and when I had my purple on, we'd, make that connection with our purple color on. Do you remember that, Sarah? I do. That was fun. Yeah. Sarah, that came in the, just recent years in your life, your experience at Excelsior. But let's go back. Let's go back to that time when you were just starting out your adulthood, and just dating and finding trying to find that man to marry. Tell us about that. Well, I when I was about 16, I had met, a young man on the Internet who lived in London. And I've always had a lot of anxiety in my life, and he made me feel special because A man liked me. Unfortunately, because of my lack of self esteem, His manipulative personality got a grip on me, and it wound up being a very toxic relationship. I moved out to Utah when I decided to attend Brigham Young University. during that Time. I was living with my aunt and uncle because I was nervous about living in the dorms, and I wanted to be around family. And I went with my cousins to a steak pool party after having gotten into a major argument with my online boyfriend. Okay. So you're this online boyfriend. You were 16, and he's from London. Yeah. Had you ever met him in person? No. Were your parents aware of this online boyfriend? They were. And they were supportive of my desire to make friends, but they were nervous. And I found out later That there was a lot of prayer involved that I would choose to leave this toxic boyfriend because they had noticed Changes in my personality, but they also wanted to be careful not to push me away because I was a teenager. And, obviously, I knew more than my parents did because don't all teenagers. And so they were trying to balance Being caring, but also worrying. I can see why they were worried. You had conversations with the boyfriend from London, had you had video conversations with yet? Yeah. We use Skype a lot and we're able to do video calls through that. And how old was he? He was, I think, about 4 years older than me. I think he was about 20 if I'm remembering correctly.

6:22

Alright. So now you've moved to Utah, and you're now 19. So your London boyfriend would be about 23. You're living with your aunt and uncle and attending college at BYU.

Sarah Mabey: 6:34

Yeah. Well, actually, I had not started attending college yet. It was a month or 2 4 classes started that I moved in with them to get settled and everything. Okay. And in the meantime, your parents are praying that you'll break up with this man who lives. So Oh, you were saying? I went I was angry and upset at this argument that I had with my boyfriend. And I went to the pool with my cousins, but then I kinda just didn't wanna be around people. I was there Physically, but I was just kinda sitting in the pool crying. My cousins were guys, and they were like, okay. Whatever. She's being a girl. And Went off to hang out with their friends. and I was just standing in the pool crying, and this guy Came up to me, and he was at least a foot taller than me. Not that's hard. I'm only 5 foot 1. But He was at least a foot taller than me, and he comes and he's looming over me. Hi. Do you wanna come join my group? No. Okay. And so he leaves. About 2 or 3 minutes later, a girl comes over. she's hey. You look sad. You look like you need a friend. Will you come join me and my friends? Okay. A girl is safe. I can go join her, and try and be sociable at this? It was a 3 different stakes come together. So there was a lot of teenagers and young adults there. Oh, lots of teenagers. So I followed this girl back to her friend group, and what do you know? That creepy guy that was looming over me was there. Up. It was her friend's brother. And so we started talking, and I'm a little bit panicking inside my head. This Creepy guys looming over me, and I don't know. I have a lot of anxiety about men in general because I think of my situation with my, boyfriend From London. From London. Okay. but I was like, okay. There's girls here. It'll be okay. So we started talking, and we found out that we had a lot in common. We enjoyed video games. We enjoyed anime. You and this 1 that was 6 foot Yeah. Or at least a foot taller than you. Yeah. He should've been about 6 foot 1. Yeah. Okay. And he also had another friend with him. And so the 3 of us started talking. The girls eventually left, and it was me and the boys talking ironically about video games and anime. I've always been 1 of the guys, though. We started talking, and we decided to Set up a time for us to hang out and watch some anime and play some video games together. So eventually, we set that time, and, my boyfriend was not very happy about that, that I was gonna hang out With other men, he was very protective and very possessive of me speaking to anybody that was not a girl. Lots of red flags that I kinda knew in the back of my head, but I wanted to believe that this relationship was Right? Because, he was British. He had a nice accent. He was cute. I fell for all the things. But he had a toxic personality. I hung out with them several times, and we watched a lot of anime and played a lot of video games together. then classes started, And, we were living in Sandy, and I wound up getting into a dorm In Provo at BYU. But every single day after classes, I would drive from Provo to Sandy To hang out with these guys until 9 or 10 o'clock at night. Oh, how did you manage that with the rigor of BYU's classes. I was young. I don't know. I could never run on 5 hours of sleep now. But I was young, and I something felt nice about these boys. They were polite. They were gentlemen. They didn't sexualize me Like my online boyfriend did. things really came to a head 1 day when I was walking back From classes back to my dorm. I had been really stressed about my boyfriend and all his negativity and possessiveness, and I knew it wasn't right. We had broken up and gotten back together several times.

Stephanie test: 11:05

And this is all while you're still driving from Brigham Young University to be in Provo to Sandy Which is about a 30 to 40 minute drive.

Sarah Mabey: 11:14

to hang out with these 2 guys. Yeah. You still have the London boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. I still have the London boyfriend while I was having a friendship, and it was completely platonic with these 2 guys And I was walking back from my classes to my dorm 1 day, and I just Couldn't go anymore. I was walking through a parking lot and I laid down. I couldn't walk anymore. I was Exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, I laid down and I said, I don't care if a car runs me over. I'm just gonna take a nap right here. Oh my goodness. In the parking lot? In the parking lot, it was it wasn't a busy parking lot. It was, like, behind an apartment complex, But it wasn't exactly the best place to take a nap, but I didn't care. I was done. I thought maybe something was wrong with me physically. I didn't realize that the emotional trauma could create that physical Exhaustion. I just knew that I was done, and I didn't care what happened. I laid there for I don't know how long until somebody walked by and saw me, and I went Less than responsive. They were asking me questions. I was in a fog. I was stressed. My brain didn't care about anything. They asked me if they could help me, if they could I said I don't know if they could take me to the hospital, and I said I don't care. I just stopped functioning. Here. So they picked me up. They had a friend who had a car, put me in their friend's car, and drove me to the ER. I Why? My heart rate was very high when I got to the ER. I don't remember a lot of it though because I was, I think so overstressed that my body was just done. There was nothing wrong with me physically that the doctors could test for. They sent in a social worker, And at that point, I spilled everything about my boyfriend and the emotional and mental and verbal abuse that I had been going through. I told them I wanted to break up with him, And I'd wanted to for a long time, but I had been so afraid to because he told me he would kill himself if I did. And I loved him. Despite everything, I still loved him. And I cared about him, and I didn't want that. Up. He said he would kill himself Yeah. If he broke up with him. Yeah. And the social worker Talked to me for a little while, and she said that's a very common, strategy that manipulative people We'll use to keep somebody in a relationship. And she Convinced me that I needed to do what was better for me, and that was his choice to make If he was going to hurt himself over my leaving. I don't think I've told this story to anybody in a long time. While I was in the hospital, it was only I was only there for maybe a few hours, but I had Texted, the 2 boys. Their names are Tyler and Clint. The super tall creepy 1 is Tyler. And Clive. Tyler and Clint. And I texted them, and I said, hey. I'm in the hospital. I'm really not sure what to do, but I won't be coming to Sandy tonight. And Just as I was being released from the hospital, they showed up before my, Discharge papers were completed. They appeared, and the nurse came in and said, hey. There's 2 guys here to see you. And I was like, What 2 guys are here to see me? I don't know any guys because You're thinking Provo. I'm thinking Provo. Exactly. And she's their names are Tyler and Clint. They want to know if they can come in and see you. They came in, and they had brought me a teddy bear and chocolate and all the things nice guys Bring to girls when they're upset. Oh. They took me out to dinner. I had shut off my phone after texting them because my boyfriend was trying to call me, and I didn't wanna talk to him. I didn't know what I was gonna say to him yet. I'm sure you each weren't ready to face that at that moment. Yeah. So they took me out to dinner, and we just Were. We didn't talk about the situation. We just existed as friends. We went back to my dorm afterwards to watch a movie. It was Robin Hood men in tights. They wanted to watch something funny to help cheer me up. And, after the movie, I was walking them out to the car, and I Guess I decided to turn my phone back on or something. I don't remember why. But as they were getting ready to leave, My boyfriend called, and I answered because I knew he was gonna be mad. I knew he was gonna be maybe worried about What had happened and what was going on? Where was I? And why didn't I answer his 700 calls? And Did Clint and Tyler know about the London boyfriend? Yes. They knew about him generally, that he existed. But I didn't really talk a lot about him because first of all, it's weird that I had a boyfriend that I'd never met in person. Yeah. I was a little bit embarrassed about it because I think in my heart, I knew that it wasn't a good relationship, but I also didn't. Because of my low self esteem, I didn't believe that anybody else would want to be in a relationship with me. I see. And he had manipulated that and gotten me to believe that I wasn't worth anything without him. he made your initial belief of believing you weren't valuable enough for anyone to be in a relationship with you. He only endorsed that in your mind. Yeah. Yeah. And now you are absolutely sure you weren't valuable enough for with you because that's exactly what he wanted you to believe. Exactly. He was really good at that emotional manipulation And getting me to believe and do what he wanted. Oh my. He even told me at 1 point that he liked having power over people. And I don't know why that wasn't A huge red flag at the time, but I guess I was young and dumb. so anyways, I answered the call, And he just starts verbally reaming me. Where have you been? What are you doing? Who are you hanging out with? Why haven't you answered your calls? All the things and I was just like, I'm sorry. I was in the hospital. I'm okay now. I didn't give him any details yet because I didn't I still didn't know what I was gonna say to him. And I collapsed to my knees in the parking lot. The whole all of the stress of it made me physically weak. Oh, and Clint and Tyler were right there with you. Clint and Tyler were still there. They were in the car, but they hadn't pulled out yet. And They saw me, and I hung up the phone. And they said, hey. Let's go to Sandy. Tyler said, let me get my dad to give you a blessing. Because I didn't know anybody in Provo, and I didn't know what to do. Mhmm. My roommates We're there, but I didn't really have a friendship with them because of the obsessive nature of My toxic relationship I didn't have a lot of friendships. I see. The London boyfriend wanted you only for himself. Yeah. Yes. Any free time that I had, I needed to be on the computer or the phone with him. No wonder you were escaping to Sandy. Yeah. It was it really was an escape. Yes. So we got in the car, And I was a mess. I was sobbing and crying, and I felt humiliated crying like this in front of these 2 awesome guys Who were so kind to me and so caring. And Clint was driving, And I was a shaking mess. And he's before we go to Sandy, I wanna go somewhere else. My abused brain thought, oh, no. They're gonna kidnap me and murder me. Really? But My heart, my spirit said, it's okay. Just go. Clint drove Until he found a temple. And we went and parked on the temple grounds and prayed and I cried Until I had cried enough that I felt better. And we had prayed enough, and I started to feel better. And then we drove to Sandy. We went to Tyler's house, and he went and got his dad, and his dad immediately gave me a blessing. He didn't really know what was going on. He just knew that his son brought a girl home, first of all, And she needed a blessing. So he just gave me I think it was probably just like a general blessing for peace. Of comfort. Of comfort. You can see you were distressed. I'm sure. Yeah. My anxiety really peaked after that. I slept on A mattress in Tyler's family's basement. I did not go back To my dorm except to collect my things. Really? I was nervous to be away from the boys. They were so kind to me, and they took such good care of me that I didn't feel like I could function Without them, the next morning when I woke up, I turned on my phone and I had all these missed calls and voicemails from my London boyfriend. as I turned on the phone, he called again. On JR. And I went upstairs into the kitchen where nobody was and I answered the call. You answered the call. I answered the call. I was dumb. Okay? And I this is how badly he had manipulated me. I felt guilty that I cheated, quote, unquote, on him by having other friends that were boys, By spending the night, innocently spending the night in the home of somebody else, of a boy. And I answered it, and I apologized. Oh. And I Sarah. I never understood how people could get manipulated into these situations until it happened to me. I answered the phone, and I apologized. He asked me if we were still together. I was gonna say yes Because I was afraid to not have what I perceived as his love. As I was having this conversation on the phone with him, I didn't hear it, but Tyler had come upstairs. My back was to the staircase. And he put his hand on my shoulder, and I said, no. We're not together anymore. And I hung up the phone. Tyler had given me that strength to Say no and to get out of that relationship. I deleted my London boyfriend from Facebook, from Skype. I transferred servers on my video game So that he would not be able to contact me. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. And it was such a relief, but also terrifying Because I felt so vulnerable in that moment. Mhmm. Because he had infiltrated my mind so badly that I did not Feel like I was worth anything without him. But as soon as Tyler put his hand on my shoulder, a part of me knew That I was valued. That somebody else cared about me. Somebody else loved me. Oh, That was a pivotal moment. It really was. My parents also had I had called my parents when I was in the hospital and told them of the situation. What's their reaction when you called them? They drove up. They were there 2 days later. They drove straight from Texas and Got here as fast as they could. Mhmm. They hugged Tyler and Clint and thanked them for taking care of me. In that couple of days, they could see that I was in good hands with Tyler and Clint.

Stephanie test: 25:27

We're going to pause the story here I'll have to say, I was quite taken back to hear this story from Sarah. It was not the story that I intended to hear from her. You may have noticed that she said, I don't think I've told this story to anybody in a long time. It's like this story, about her emotionally abusive boyfriend from London, was supposed to be found and shared. Because as she shared it, it became clear to me that this part of the story needed to be heard and shared today. Here is Sarah. She's been in this emotionally abusive online relationship for 3 years. Her parents had noticed a change in her personality. There have been many prayers from her parents that she would choose to leave this boyfriend, But they were fearful of being pushed away from her, because she was convinced that she knew what was best, as so many teenagers do believe. They didn't wanna lose their influence in her life. So now she's started this new life in Utah. But the London boyfriend is still there. Wherever she goes, he's still there. And the emotional abuse continues.

26:58

The Church has published an article. It's called Healing from Relationships. It was published in August of 2022.

Stephanie test: 27:06

I'll put a link to it in the show notes. It talks about the steps of healing from an abusive relationship. The first step is recognizing the relationship trauma. Quote, when we have been so deeply wounded that we don't believe we can trust ourselves or others, we begin seeing relationships as dangerous rather than as a place to learn, grow, and reach our full potential. Deep wounds can arise from abuse and betrayal. Then it talks about the different forms of abuse, emotional, financial, physical, sexual, spiritual. The form that Sarah was encountering was emotional, and it was deep. So deep that she laid herself in a parking lot, ready to accept whatever would occur to her, which was most likely a car running over her. That not only spoke to how low she felt about herself, but it was the trauma, the effect of the trauma that was playing out there. The second step listed is to turn to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for healing. They emphasized the time that it takes for healing. It can't be done quickly. The third is developing. Healthy relationships. starting with yourself. Building within a circle of trust. All of this. Led me to find. a professional, which is suggested. To find a licensed. Professional. That shares your values and beliefs. And I found this Fashional that's spoken directly. Two. This specific issue. She calls it. Becoming nonfiction Christians. Her name is Dr. Lily to Hoya Anderson. She has her own podcast. It's called. Choosing glory and it follows. The Sunday school curriculum. Follow him. Let me introduce. Dr. Anderson first. She attended BYU and graduated in sociology And completed her master's in social work.. She's a licensed clinical social worker and has a full-time private practice. In individual marriage and family counseling. Later sister Anderson completed her PhD in marriage, family, and human development at BYU. And for several years hot part-time there. For the school of family life. Her second book choosing glory. I just like the name of her podcast. Is available in paperback and Kindle. And one of those chapters choosing glory talks about. Non victim. Christian HUD I've recently learned because she was a guest on another podcast. Called follow him. Which is another. Sunday school podcast. She is writing another book and the whole book is about being a non victim Christian. I'm so glad this topic is going to be addressed. So now that we know about Dr. Anderson. I want to address. This issue about being a non victim Christian. I'll quote Dr. Anderson from episode 1.13. In doctrine and covenants, section 98 through sections 1 0 3. Haute. The issue here is chronic victimization. Now anyone can get victimized, mugged or hurt in a business deal, but I'm talking about relationships. That are chronic where injuries happen again and again, where the injury repeats again and again, from the same source, that's a chronic abuse situation. The Lord doesn't want us to be. Chronic victims. Now, why is that? What was the Lord to do? In the kingdom with a bunch of victim people who are just used to being heard all the time. It's like we lie down on the road and let a steamroller roll over us every day. Unquote. I couldn't believe she really used that analogy concerning what? Sarah ditch herself lying down in a parking lot. No, not to everyone. I don't relate to Sarah situation, Being a young adult. In an abusive relationship.

31:19

But on second thought, perhaps more of us can relate to chronic abusive family relationships because that's where most of these abusive relationships occur, is within the family,

Stephanie test: 31:32

Dr. Anderson shares one example of this in her book, choosing glory. It was an example of an older mother and her adult son. Who was the abuser. and he was addicted to cocaine. his abuse was not physical abuse. But it was taking advantage of his mother financially and emotionally. Dr. Anderson's point is. The Lord has shown us through scripture. How to be. Non victim Christian.

32:03

She goes on to say, referring to people that are used to being victimized all the time, quote,

Stephanie test: 32:11

That's not much of the kind of person that's going to be much of an asset in Zion. We need to be people of power. Not aggressive. That's why we talk about this non victim Christian idea. One simple way to define a non victim Christian. Is, they don't dish it out because they care too much about their relationship with God. But they don't take it either. In other words. They don't accept a position of chronic victim hood. Let's look at what the Lord says about that because it's pretty wonderful and powerful stuff. Looking at section 98, verse 44. But if you trespass against thee the fourth time, thou shalt not forgive him. But shall bring these testimonies before the Lord and they shall not be blotted out until he repent and reward the fourfold in all things. Where with he has trespassed against the unquote. She goes on to say.

33:16

quote,

Stephanie test: 33:17

Obviously the Lord does not want you to go around carrying a grudge or with bitterness in our hearts or with anger or vengeance towards someone else. So when he's saying don't forgive. What he means is stop interacting. With that person. Unquote that is. Just what this. Article says from the church in healing, from relationships. It talks about setting boundaries. So she goes into it specifically. Dr. Anderson goes on to say Haute. Stop interacting with that person. You can't keep putting your hand in a hot stove and be surprised when you get burned. He's saying. Don't keep doing the same thing again and again. With the same person. Don't be acted upon. You need to take action at this point. It's been three times. here's the fourth time and you need to take action. Not action to destroy the other person. Not action to turn us into the. same kind of celestial Unharnessed natural man, as the person who is hurting us. The to rise above that. And say, I've got to take responsibility. For being safe. Unquote. I will put a link to this particular podcast in our show notes. I look forward to her next book, which is all about. Being a non victim, Christian.

34:41

let's summarize what we've learned so far about chronic abusive relationships from the article and from Doctor. Anderson's work. First, we recognize the trauma from the abusive relationship. Second, we turn to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for healing. They will lead us on the boundaries, the healthy boundaries that may need to be set in these relationships. And thirdly, the last is developing healthy relationships, starting with ourselves. What we've talked about so far in regards to chronic abusive relationships is how to deal with them, what to do, and how to heal from them. But what we haven't talked about is why. Why was Sarah in this relationship? And she tells us why. She says it was because of her low self worth. she had forgotten or didn't understand her divine worth. And I can see why it's easy to do when we're constantly surrounded by social media, which flashes in front of us, what is the world's beauty? What is the world's worth? It's easy to get caught up into it. President Joy D. Jones, the primary general president 2017, addresses this topic of divine worth. in a sermonette named Value Beyond Measure. She says, quote, The Lord revealed this additional truth to the prophet Joseph Smith, quote, He that receiveth of God, let him account it of God. And let him rejoice that he is accounted of God worthy to receive. She goes on to say: quote, When we feel the spirit, as this verse explains, we recognize that what we feel comes from our Heavenly Father. We acknowledge him and praise him for blessing us. We then rejoice that we are counted worthy to receive. Imagine that you are reading the scriptures 1 morning and the spirit softly whispers to you that what you are reading is true. Do you recognize the spirit and be happy that you felt his love and were worthy to receive? Mothers, you might be kneeling next to your 4 year old as he says his bedtime prayer. A feeling flows over you as you listen. You feel warmth and peace. The feeling is brief, but you recognize that you, at that moment, are counted worthy to receive. We may seldom, if ever, receive huge spiritual manifestations in our lives, but we can frequently savor the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost. Verifying the truth of our spiritual worth. The Lord explained the relationship between our worth and his great atoning sacrifice when he said, quote, Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. We are accounted of God worthy to receive the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost. And we've been reminded that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. Sarah told us that her parents had prayed many prayers on her behalf, that this manipulative relationship that she was involved in would resolve, that she'd be safe, that she'd be protected. And what happened? Well, two men showed up in her life, the way I look at it, two ministering men. And we see this pattern repeat itself in each other's lives and in the lives we read about in the scriptures as family prays for one another. The Lord sends ministering angels, ministering sisters and ministering brothers to take care of us, to help us in times of need. It was Tyler that gave Sarah the courage to end that relationship with the abusive boyfriend. I appreciate Sarah's courage in sharing her story I am encouraged in knowing that Heavenly Father wants us to be powerful and happy and that we can be non victim Christians. Now I'll share the rest of Sarah's story, along with some highlights from the interview. Sarah, Tyler, and Clint continued on in their friendship. Both of these men treated Sarah with the utmost respect and kindness. It was not too long before Sarah and Tyler's relationship became more serious, even romantic. Just for reference. Tyler was the first one to approach Sarah Clearback at that first pool party, and he was also the one that suggested that she come home and have his father give her a blessing. Sarah talks about their engagement. Next.

Sarah Mabey: 40:22

the proposal is actually a funny story Is it? By itself. Technically, I proposed to him in a backwards way. Really? we were sitting on the couch 1 morning he had woken up before I had to leave for classes. Just talking and then we both got really quiet. And he's what are you thinking about? And I said, no, it's dumb. He's no, tell me, what are you thinking about? I said, I just can't Stop thinking when are you going to propose to me. Really? But at the same time, it was so Early, I hadn't known him really that long. Mhmm. And he stood up. He went to his cupboard, And he got out his grandmother's peridot earrings. And He proposed to me right then with the earrings.

41:27

Oh, that's sweet.

Sarah Mabey: 41:29

And then We snuck out after classes and went to Kay Jewelers. Oh, okay. And picked out a ring. This is gonna be the real proposal. And, No. We didn't do a real proposal. We were just like Hey, everybody. Guess what? We're engaged. We're nerdy. We didn't do the whole you know, big proposal.

41:57

Well, I liked Rapunzel how it turned out with the grandmother's earrings. That's unique and tender.

Sarah Mabey: 42:04

It was Really intimate and special. Mhmm. It didn't have to be this big grand event. I didn't want it To be a big grand event. I'm a shy person. Mhmm. Okay. And so it was just really special Yeah. That it happened in this quiet moment. Yeah.

42:24

Sarah and Tyler got married in the Salt Lake Temple in the year 2010.

Stephanie test: 42:29

Shortly after they're married, Sarah gets pregnant with their first child and it's a little boy They name him Isaac. and life is good. They're thrilled to have their first child. But Tyler had some medical issues. He had Crohn's disease and he had Asperger's syndrome along with some other medical issues that it was at this time That his weight steadily, quickly increased and his health started to decline. had been married about four and a half years and now Sarah is expecting their second child and she's in the first trimester. It's in the middle of the night and Tyler says to her he, he can't breathe and he's gray in color she says, we've got to go to the hospital. They move towards the car and Tyler collapses.

43:30

Sarah is a certified nurse assistant. She immediately goes into medical mode. She calls 911 and starts CPR on Tyler. She's talking to the emergency assistant as she's waiting for the paramedics to arrive and performing CPR at the same time. By the time they arrive, her arms are locked. They move Sarah away from Tyler. And they work on Tyler. But his heart does not start again. And Tyler is pronounced dead. It's too much to take in. It can't really be. The shock was overwhelming. what to do. She felt her world had collapsed around her. I'm going to share a clip of her speaking the afternoon after he passed, when she had had a little time to herself to walk to a nearby park, and what she experienced.

Sarah Mabey: 44:51

When I'm upset, I like to walk in nature by myself. So I went out for a walk to a nearby park, and I sat on top of the hill. I stared at the sky, and a little bit of me just wished that I would get sucked up there Embi with Tyler again. And I kept thinking the lyrics to my favorite primary children's song. It's called a child's prayer. as the song goes, Heavenly father, are you really there? Can you hear me? Can you answer my prayers? Because right now, I feel like a little child, and I don't know what to do. And heaven feels really far away right now because that's where my husband is, And I'm not there with him. And flooding into my mind as I'm sitting there staring at the clouds came the second verse. Pray. He is there. He is listening. And you are his child and his love surrounds you. And I didn't know why that was so important, but I felt a warm hug as I was laying on that grass and nothing was right in the world. I felt warm and loved and that it was gonna be okay. Tyler had been there to save me from that manipulative relationship. He had brought me 2 children, and that was his calling and that it was gonna be okay. I went back to the house, and it was kinda catatonic for A while. My mother-in-law It was a blessing. She grieves differently from me. She grieved by taking care of my son. She made sure that he had everything he needed. She made sure that he was fed And changed and taken care of because she had just lost her son. And so she could grieve through caring for Her grandson. Which provided both of us the opportunity to grieve in our own way. There were a lot of blessings, Surprise blessings that happened around the time of Tyler's death. Things that made it feel Okay. Tyler's grandma had died the year before On the same day, At the same time. And it was almost like when we thought about it that she came to get him. And it Helped us feel a little bit more peaceful. Yeah. That's what you're saying. after he died, I went to the front office of the apartment complex. We had just resigned our new lease. Oh, dear. And I could not afford The rent. And I said, listen. This is what happened. My husband's gone. I only have my income. I can't afford it, and I need to move into my in law's house. I'm about to have a baby. I can't do it on my own. And the landlord said, what lease? Really? They said they lost the lease. I suspect that they just, Quote, unquote lost the lease because they knew of my situation. They didn't make me pay any Breaking a lease fee. We just moved out. The church came and helped Scrub the walls, clean the apartment, do all the move out stuff. But the apartment just let me go. Sarah, what a blessing. And I was able to move in with my in laws for a few months.

49:22

Sarah and her son, Isaac, are now living with her in laws and adjusting to life without Tyler. Flint, Sarah and Tyler's old friend, he was part of the Three Musketeers and a longtime friend of Tyler's family, comes to the house to grieve over Tyler's loss. And begins to visit the home regularly. Isaac adores Clint and likes to treat him like a surrogate father. after a while, Sarah and Clint begin seeing each other more regularly And eventually decided to become engaged to be married. Now we'll go to a clip where Sarah shares Some of the struggles that she went through as she approached the engagement and marriage and where her life is now.

Sarah Mabey: 50:12

I want us to be an eternal family. Can't we just add Clint. in? So that was a time of serious spiritual struggle for me. I see. Because I was angry that I couldn't be sealed to both men. Mhmm. And after talking about it with Clint, we decided that heavenly father doesn't want us To be sad or in pain or to be miserable. And we both felt that he had led us to the situation together. He had led me To Tyler and Clint. And it felt like Back at that swimming pool. Back at that swimming pool. And it felt like It was planned that Tyler was going to have to leave us early. He has some mission in the afterlife, But that Clint was going to be part of the family moving forward. So we decided to just put our faith and pray And listen To the spirit and move forward and go ahead and get married. Clint's bishop married us in the relief society room of their chapel. So we're civilly married. Mhmm. But it was really special when we went to look for a ring. I was a little bit distressed. I was like, I don't wanna take off Tyler's ring, but I also don't wanna be disrespectful and be like, no. I don't want your ring To Clint. So we went just to browse. Clint found a ring that went around the outside of Tyler's ring. Oh, look at that. So you have a swirl of diamonds almost like a jacket that goes around the original Tyler's ring. Yeah. The central band was my ring from Tyler, and Clint chose This ring that hugs and connects around Tyler's ring Symbolizing that we're all part of an eternal family even if we don't understand heavenly father's plan and why we're not allowed to be sealed right now. Mhmm. And so we're going to trust, like children have to trust their parents. That it's gonna be okay. Yeah. And that it'll work out in the eternal perspective. Faith. Faith. Faith. We're in faith. What a beautiful wedding ring. Thank you. Original and so meaningful. Now where are you? With you and Clint, you have 2 children, but I know you've gone further than that. Clint and I have had 2 more children. We have a daughter. Her name's Elaine and a son. His name is Leo. Over now. So we have 4 children altogether. And it never feels Like my kids and his kids. We are 1 eternal family.

53:45

I understand you're still close with Tyler's parents.

Sarah Mabey: 53:49

Yes. We take the kids, to go visit in Sandy, we drive an hour every weekend to go take our kids To go see their grandparents or they drive to us and come get the kids. And so we make sure to keep that relationship open. So my kids just have bonus grandparents now. Yes. Yeah. So it's all flourishing. Mhmm. Oh, so you weren't left alone. I was not. To raise your 2 children, couldn't join the family. Yeah. 2 more children. Yep. And our family just grew. Our family didn't shrink when Tyler died. He's just gone for a while, And we'll see him again. Yeah. Yeah. It's a beautiful story. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you for sharing it. Thank you for helping us understand what you went through at those vulnerable times asking, holy father, are you really there when you were up on that hill? And indeed, you felt his love around you. That hug and that assurity through that primary song. Are you really there? And the answer was pray. Yeah. Pray. I am there. My love will surround you. Yeah. My love will surround you. And In the immediate, I felt that love surrounding me through that invisible hug. And in the long term, I have felt his love through other people, through Clint, and through Clint's family, and through Tyler's family. And I was never left alone even when I felt alone. You have just a larger extended family. Yes. Oh, miracles. if you could say this is 1 thing that I learned from the Lord within this journey Could you sum it up for us? Heavenly father is there. He is real. Sometimes you might feel alone. Sometimes you might not understand what the plan is Or how things are going to fall into place. But there is a plan. And in the long term, things will be okay. And they might even be better than okay. It's odd to say, but it's hard to imagine My life differently. it feels Like it was supposed to be this way. That there was a time and a season For Tyler to be in my life, that he's needed elsewhere, that heavenly father has a plan for him. And he's gone, but he's not gone. He's gone from this earth, but he's not gone from my family. And we're just 1 little part of God's eternal plan. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for sharing this story with me, Sarah. What a journey. What journey.

57:27

I want to thank Sarah Mabee for sharing her life with us today. We've been blessed by learning from her life story. I also want to thank our listeners. Thank you for spreading the good word about dear daughters of God. I will create a videogram and it will include a picture of Sarah and the wedding ring that we talked about in the story. I hope you'll look it up. You'll find it on the Dear Daughters of God Instagram and Facebook page. I ask that you please continue to subscribe, and to rate, and best of all, to share this podcast with those that you love. Thank you for listening to our story today. For now, I will say farewell, until we meet again.