%20(1).jpg)
Dear Daughters of God
If you are lifted by learning gospel principles through hearing powerful and inspiring stories, then this is the podcast for you. Stephanie Eccles, a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, grew up hearing stories told by her mother a West Virginian. She shares her gift of storytelling with you as she brings to life the emotions of men and women striving to endure to the end. Each episode will take you on a journey that will bring you hope and joy in our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Dear Daughters of God
Dear Daughters of God - Ep. 16 - "My Prison Transformation Story, A Faith and Recovery Story"
My Prison Transformation Story - A Faith and Recovery Story is an inspiring interview with Portia Louder, who shares her powerful journey of overcoming adversity and finding redemption. In this heartfelt conversation with Stephanie Eccles on "Dear Daughters of God," Portia opens up about her struggles with addiction, the challenges of being a single mother, and the life-altering experience of serving nearly five years in federal prison. Portia reflects on the profound spiritual transformation she underwent during her incarceration, where she rediscovered her faith and purpose as a daughter of God. She speaks about her work as an advocate, author, and volunteer chaplain, sharing her story to help others. Watch this moving episode to learn about Portia's journey of recovery, the lessons she learned, and how her faith guided her through even the darkest times.
Thanks for listening! I'm on Instagram as deardaughtersofgod. Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=1iyjqx0cq4kbk&utm_content=qr66nqv
Welcome to Dear Daughters of God.
This is episode 16. my prison transformation story.
Microphone (Samson Q2U Microphone)-9:My name is Stephanie Eccles. I'm a school administrator, natural storyteller, and I am a daughter of God. I tell the stories of our lives from the perspective of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Welcome, Dear Daughters of God. I address you that way because that's what you are to Him. To our Heavenly Father, you are dear.
Feel free to join us on our YouTube channel, Dear Daughters of God, so you can see the video of our guest Portia Lauder and the many pictures she provided that help portray this incredible story that you're about to hear.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:This is such a special day. We have a guest. Her name is Portia Louder. I got to meet Portia through another one of our guests named Akka Tufuga Setefago she was on our previous
Stephanie test:episode, episode number 11. And
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:I mentioned Portia in that episode. So if you haven't heard that, you can go back and listen to that. But Portia, I got to meet Portia in the temple. She was an escort to Akka as Akka was there for the first time the two of them met while serving time in Dublin. Portia, thank you for joining us today. Welcome to Dear Daughters of God.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:Thank you so much for having me, Stephanie.
Stephanie test:Yes. Yes. It's my pleasure. It was such a thrill to meet Portia after we went to the temple together. We got some time to go to lunch together and I got to know Portia a little bit and thought this is an incredible woman. Oh my goodness, what a journey she's taken what a A woman of service, I want to know her better. She just dedicates
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:her life to doing the work of our Heavenly Father. then I learned that she's written this book. before I get too far. Let me give you her formal introduction Portia Louder spent four and a half years of her life in prison. Portia is a writer, she's a speaker, photographer, and advocate. She works with at risk youth and is a volunteer chaplain in jails and prisons. Portia shares her story every two weeks with new missionaries at the MTC, which stands for Missionary Training Center, in Provo, Utah. And she authored a book titled, Living Louder, A Compassionate Journey Through Federal
Stephanie test:Prison. What is so astonishing
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:about Portia's story is not so much that she found the guts and the tenacity to climb out of some seemingly impossible situations, but that she describes those situations with deep affection. Portia invites us to see the world from a different perspective. Portia and her husband, Chad, have six children and five grandchildren. They live in Saratoga Springs, Utah, and enjoy the simple things in life.
Microphone (2- Samson Q2U Microphone)-5:Remember to like and subscribe this video
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Portia, when I was reading your book, I thought, Every three pages, because the chapters are short and they were about three pages long, I couldn't go more than three pages without stopping and saying, we've got to include that part in the interview. No, we've got to include that part. No, that part. I thought this interview would be six hours long. Because every story was so moving. I thought the audience couldn't miss it. They couldn't understand the importance of the passion and the goodness. of Portia and the adversity that she went through and where she is today without hearing this particular story. I just didn't know how it could be done. So there it is. you've got to get the book Living Louder, A Compassionate Journey Through Federal Prison to really understand this because you won't have six hours today. We only have Portia for a few minutes. So Portia. we know what a godly woman you are now and I have an idea of the adversity that you've gone through to get here, but they do not. Will you give us a sketch of your life? Help us understand what you've gone through to get where you are today.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:Yes. Thank you so much for this opportunity and all those kind words. So I don't know that I'm deserving of all those nice things, but I will share a little bit about me. I grew up in Utah. On the outskirts of a small town in Utah. I am the oldest of seven children. My parents were members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. They came with their own struggles. My dad was a Vietnam vet who had PTSD and. And he was pretty uptight. My mother was, her mother passed when she was young and her life was really chaotic. And she went down the path of being a hippie, no structure, no rules and very creative woman. so we grew up in the country and with no rules and they had seven children. So there was just a lot of chaos. Literally we could go anywhere. Go to bed when we want, get up when we want, brush our teeth if we want, and go to school if we want. So there wasn't any rules. Um, but we did fun things. I don't remember really feeling the Spirit a lot when I was young because there wasn't a lot of peace. But I love my parents. And appreciate all the good things that they blessed me with. I really started to struggle when I was in my teen years. My first struggle was with relationships being 12 and 13 years old, you're trying to figure out who you are. And I had no idea who I was, but I figured that if other boys, especially older boys liked me, that must be a pretty good thing. I struggled with that and I started to drink really went inactive in the church when I was 13 and then ended up pregnant for the first time when I was 17, it's interesting when I look back and think about myself, I just have a lot of compassion for myself. I see myself as this 17 year old little girl that had no idea who she was, scared to death, I dropped out of high school. And moved into a low income apartment. And I remember I was on welfare at the time. I got a GD because you had to get the welfare, didn't see myself as really able to do much. I figured that if I got married, everything would be okay. I just need to find someone to marry me. And I met somebody that was a lot older than me. He was 28 and I was 18 and he made me this offer. You should marry me because I can take care of you. And I said, let's do it. I just was, were, we knew each other about a month. I have compassion for him and myself really looking back, but the marriage wasn't ideal. It wasn't my forever love. And so about that time, my parents moved to Salt Lake with my brothers and sisters I'd never been to the city. I'd never experienced it. Salt Lake, I remember visiting for the first time and just being, wow, like this, there's a whole world outside of this little town that I grew up in. And thinking that I could probably get a job or do something with my life. My uncle owned photo studios in the mall at the time, and he said he would hire me. And so I went home and told my husband that I wanted to move and we should move up to the city. And he said I'm never leaving this town. But you're welcome to leave and just go live with your parents. Let's just get a quick divorce. And so you can see we were just so committed not really. And so that's what I did. I left the small town I was in, and then I moved to Salt Lake and my parents, um, were really supportive, allowed me to move in and help take care of my son. then I found out shortly after I moved that I was pregnant with my daughter. Now that I remember being. Lonely, really alone. I called my ex husband and said, Hey, I'm pregnant. And he said, yeah, I don't want to be a part of your life. That was a sad time for me. I was working. I also, at that time, my dad mentioned that maybe I would want to read the Book of Mormon and I'm stubborn. And so my dad knows better than to say, you need to do this to change your life. And I said, why would I read that
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:book Dad.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:and he said,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Well Because your
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:smarter
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:than that Portia
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:and
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:you haven't even tried
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:to read
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:the book
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:it help you and so That was a good way to approach it
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:so I started reading the book. but I didn't understand it very well I just remember it made me feel better. Don't you let me bless your daughter? And so we went to the church and I remember looking around again and thinking. Everybody's married here. If I just get married, it'll all be okay. Not really knowing inside that I had to have that own, my own relationship with the savior and really with myself to know who I was. I started dating again and I got pregnant again and I was 23 years old and I was pregnant for the third time as a single woman. I didn't receive child support with my two children. I was scared. It was like the first time for me that I was really scared. And I said my first real prayer, which was Heavenly Father. I don't know what to do. Please help me.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:And I
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:remember feeling strength, like a strength that I hadn't felt before. I knew that this child wasn't mine to keep, that I needed to place him for adoption. so I started to look I went to several different attorneys. and when I met, when I saw the picture of the family that I knew was supposed to adopt my son. I told the lawyer, this is the family. He said, that's, they already have three kids. And I said, yeah, but it's the family. Like I saw their picture. I just knew, and he told me that I would need to meet with other people, first people that hadn't, didn't have children and, and I saw where they lived and they didn't live far from my parents. And I said I will go to their house and let them know that I'm placing this child for adoption. And that I saw their picture They, their file had just come in and he said, okay, I will introduce you to them. So I met them. I knew immediately. And we, I shared this special bond with, especially with David's mother. And we started on this journey together. They were wonderful. They supported me through the whole pregnancy came to every doctor appointment. Yeah. And they were there the day that I had David and I watched them hold him for the first time. then as soon as they walked out, I just felt empty and I had no idea how to deal with the trauma I had. I figured if I could just go back to work, I'd be okay, my heart is just bleeding for you. I can feel your loneliness. All those years as a single mother on your own at age 17, living in a an apartment on welfare the loneliness trying to make it at that age with limited education and no one else around and trying to figure out motherhood all at the same time. and then just the feeling of rejection. The first husband's Oh this isn't working. I'm not interested in this next baby. You're on your own. I'm this is so much rejection and I can see why you're so alone. My heart's bleeding for you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:I don't think I knew it at the time. I just felt so I didn't understand. That's why I say I can look back at myself and have compassion because I think. You had no idea, like you were just going through all these hard things and you didn't know how to navigate it. And, it was difficult. I remember, when David was born, I knew they would be a good family for my son, but they were also a support to me. And part of that was, I love my mother, but my mom. Wasn't able to, she didn't have that kind of strength in her. so even when I told her I was placing my son for adoption, she said just let me raise him. And I, I remember saying, mom, we're not even that good at raising kids. Like either one of us, I'm like, I'm scared, mom. I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to my kids, and my dad said, Portia, I know you can do this. Like he, but I needed their support. I needed this family that was adopting my son. Yeah. To support me and believe in me because it wasn't easy, that was a difficult experience,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Was your father in support of that adoption?
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:yeah, he
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:He was in support of that. That was a brave move. I'm so impressed that you acted on that inspiration, that feeling that he, David belonged to another family. Oh, good for you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:right as we were getting on the podcast, that was my son, David, that, and so I'll share, I'll share that story a little bit later. But, after I had David, I remember feeling a level of emptiness and loneliness that I just hadn't experienced up to that point. And I didn't know how to process any of it. I remember having my mom bring my children to the hospital. I should have gotten therapy. I should have, they were all, looking back now. I understand that there's things I could have done been in a support group, but I I didn't. And so doctor wrote me a prescription For Percocet and which is a narcotic pain killer. And. And I just started to use those and I thought that would be the solution and I didn't really understand how addictive they were, but it just took away the emptiness for a minute. And then I, I started looking for more of those and became dependent on prescription drugs and things only got worse for me. I lost my job and I eventually became addicted to street drugs because you can't find prescription drugs all the time. Then my life went quite a bit worse. My parents were raising my children. I remember my dad saying that he thought that I might die. He said I can't help you. I don't know what to do. I was gone for days at a time and, um, I couldn't keep a promise to myself. I would try to quit and I couldn't, it just, it was a really dark time. I was recently talking to my dad about that. It wasn't just a dark time for me. It was our whole family. A lot of chaos at that point. My, I had other family members that were struggling and my dad was struggling. that was one of the darkest, loneliest times of my life. All everybody was. I remember when I walked in, my mom was always like I've never heard my mom really give up on her kids. But when she looked at me, she said, I can't imagine what it would take for you to do this to your son. She said, if this isn't enough for you to change your life Portia nothing ever would be because all he cares about is you. He's been waiting here for you for hours. And I remember that night. I took my son and I walked downstairs and I laid on the floor and I sobbed and I just begged God to take it from me. And I just was like in fetal position, really so broken. And my son, he came over and he said, mom, why are you so sad? Look at you, mom. You're so beautiful. And I just said, geez, such an ugly person because no mom, you're so beautiful. that night I made a promise that I would go to any length. So I, the next morning I asked my dad who his bishop was. I hadn't been active in the church for years. I walked over and said, please help me. Yeah,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:and said,
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:please And He said, what's going on? And I, he knew from my parents, how bad I was struggling. And I said I'm addicted to drugs and I'm, I need help. And so he called somebody who was, he was a member of the church, but he knew him, who was a friend that he had. And he said, he's in recovery and he'll take you to a meeting and then I'll be your sponsor and I'll help you any way I can. I went to my first meeting. I remember. I had a hard time sitting still at that point. I smoked cigarettes too. So I would leave the meeting to go outside and have a cigarette. And the man came out and he gave it to me straight. He's you're a mess. And if you want to change your life, you need to go back in there and you need to listen to what people have to say that have something that you don't, which is recovery. And I went in and I remember Having hope, like listening to this man share his story and he, he had been through the things I've been through, but he was recovering. He had light in him, but I didn't have. And so I asked him after the meeting, I said, how do you get this that you have? And he handed me the AA big book and said, this will change your life. If you follow this program. And so I said, okay, I took the book. I went back and started working with my Bishop and my Bishop said, Portia, I promise you with priesthood power and authority that if you go to church and you read your scriptures and you say your prayers, your whole life will change. Now I had something going for me, which was that I didn't trust my own thinking anymore, and I was so desperate. That I did what he said to do. And I was so uncomfortable in church I didn't feel comfortable reading my scriptures and prayers felt I was very separated from our Heavenly Father, but I did those things and my whole life started to change and it wasn't easy. It took a while,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:really? It must've been difficult to
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:It was very difficult. I gained a testimony that God was doing something for me that I couldn't do for myself I had tried so many times to quit and made promises to myself that I could never keep. And so to the fact that I was just staying sober, I would go to these meetings regularly. I would work with my Bishop and I did what he said to do. And my life began to change. I went back to work, um, started showing up in my kid's life step by step. And about that time I met my husband, which still blows me away because Chad had graduated college had been on a mission, had no kids, no marriages. I have no idea, why he would. He would even date me, but he did, he started to date and he told me when I asked him what scared him the most, he said, everything about you scares me. Portia you're so scary. I said, I'm scared of me too, Jeff. um, it was, I quit looking for a man. I'm pretty sure that's why I found one because I'm really good at finding The right man.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:I would say he found you appealing and interesting and, and courageous. Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:Oh, he he does find me interesting. So we come from totally different backgrounds. His parents are both school teachers, very conservative. It was raised in Afton, Wyoming, Star Valley, and. He's just a kind, good man. And we had our struggles, but Chad, he could see more in me than I could see in myself. And so we got married. He adopted my first two children. I had separated from the family that I placed my son, with, because I just had too much, I, and through my addiction, they had to step back too. They could see me spiraling. I Continued to work at it and Chad and I were able to go to the temple and have our children sealed to us, which was miraculous because for me, I remember thinking, how would I ever get to the temple? There's no way, they gave me temple garments. I was so excited. I didn't want to ever take my garments off because I worked hard to get there. And, um, I had a lot to learn. We bought a little house in American fork and I'd go to the temple every week so that I could understand it more. And I started my own company. Chad had a job at the time, working for a bank and doing marketing. And then what happened for me is that I. I had two more kids really close together. It's just something for me. Like I've only tried one time to have a child. I get pregnant on birth control. I get pregnant with, it's just what I do. I get pregnant really easy. So
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:You get pregnant.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:I get pregnant. Yeah. So we had our first son, Jackson, and then I found out I was pregnant not long after I had Jackson. They're 18 months apart, And then my company really grew. My photography business grew from, I was shooting about 200 weddings a year and I had employees and we were doing engagements and bridals and my, I was traveling for some of those weddings. And I decided to build a house that would accommodate the studio. I had a studio outside the home. I had a nanny that was watching my kids. And I was trying to take care of these other kids, my older kids that were, in elementary school. And then I have young ones.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:after our second baby together, I had a, My back went out to where I literally couldn't walk. I had an injury when I was younger, but I was always able to get through it. But after I had Sadie, it went out completely. And so the doctor, yeah, said that I needed to have back being honest with myself, life was way too busy. I had lost the spirituality. I wasn't going to the temple like I should. And I wasn't reading my scriptures first thing in the morning. And I was just going. And I think my integrity was already slipping. When I went to the doctor, I didn't tell him I had a prescription drug problem. He prescribed the drugs. They were easy. They just kept prescribing them back then. It was pretty easy. I became dependent again on prescription drugs. And I remember the weight of that. That was a really rough time. so
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:sorry that, that happened. I can see why it was tempting to not say anything to him at the same time you were in pain and
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:But
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:was beginning to spiral.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:yeah, at this point I have learned enough that I am so directly, I'm so honest with myself and others because I've lost so much through my addiction. I ended up getting involved in some real estate deals that, at the time I thought even told Chad, why don't you quit your job and stay home and take care of the kids? Because I have this business and I can make enough money to pay off her house. And we can get, I just. Yeah. My addiction got worse. I got involved in illegal real estate deals and man, the way to that was terrifying, just the feeling, the fear, the overwhelming responsibility of money coming and going and, and then the FBI shows up and they're investigating me and
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Ah,
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:yeah, there's nothing worse than that. There's probably a few worse things, but that was pretty bad. I was so scared looking back if I could have gotten honest with myself, if I could have even said, okay, so I made these mistakes. How do I make it right? But I literally thought that my whole identity was on the line. Like I can't go to prison. If I go to prison, who will I ever be to anybody? My husband will leave me. The church, I'm a member of the church. How will, it just seemed impossible for me. And I think just not knowing that I'm who I am is much deeper than anything, and just, I don't know I've learned through, I guess in a way, when I finally ended up going to prison, there was a lot of freedom in it. There was like freedom from what anyone else thought, but up to that point I just kept denying it and making excuses. I did do one thing right. And that was, I talked to my bishop and state president and asked for support and was very honest and open about the things I was dealing with. And because of that, they really worked with me. There was a long period of time that I was under investigation and supported me. I was able to keep my Temple Recommend and go to the temple. And I was in the process of repentance, even as. I was under investigation. And because I hadn't been really very cooperative with the government or FBI, when it came time to walk into a federal courtroom, I was facing zero to seven years. That was the sentence I was facing. And had I been humble and said, okay, I made a mistake. How can I make it right? It would have been a different outcome. But at that point they were mad at me. I had drug it And the judge. I'll never forget that day, the day that I stood in that courtroom. I looked back at my husband and my children and just felt so much sorrow for what I had done, you know? And the shock, The shock of how serious the situation was overwhelming. took my breath away. It was hard to even speak, and I started to cry immediately as I sat there. I just felt tears screaming down my cheek. And the judge told me I could get up and say something I knew it was strange. Like up until the time I went to prison, I thought I don't have a criminal history. He'll probably go easy on me. I might get a few years, but I knew when I walked in, he's going to give you the maximum sentence. Like I knew. That the way I had acted and just the whole situation became clear. It was pretty intimidating because it's the United States of America and they say United States of America versus Portia Louder and I, My whole country's against me, it felt pretty heavy.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:But you just knew inside it's gonna be the full sentence.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:I knew them. Yeah. And that's when I I remember looking at Chad and the kids and I thought, how will I ever get back to them? It just seemed like my whole life shifted. How will I ever be able to. It just, I knew what was in front of us was big and I didn't know how and to be honest, it's never been the same, my kids were, my, my older kids were married at that point. My younger kids were seven, 12, and 14, and I lost, the judge sentenced me to seven years. That day I got up and apologized and basically begged for mercy for my family. Will you give me some time to say goodbye? And he said, no. And then Chad got up and he pled for me. He just said, please give her time. Your honor, we need this as a family. The thing that shifted for me was. In that moment, I realized how powerful my temple covenants are. Even when we make mistakes, the Lord keeps his promises. And I knew that there was something that was greater than what the world could do to divide us, that would hold us together. And I just the judge gave me eight weeks to say goodbye.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:That is unusual
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:It For white collar usually you do get time to say goodbye. It's very unusual for people that are already in custody, but I had been on pretrial for a long time. But he was going to take me into custody. And I think it was really, my lawyer wasn't able to get anywhere, but Chad, I think that Chad just. I guess it just, it felt like the judge couldn't deny him because Chad's pretty humble and he just pled with the judge. So I always say I was better off just having Chad than a lawyer there. I couldn't get anywhere, so I got the eight weeks. I remember leaving and. Feeling almost just shocked, shocked that I don't know. I couldn't even speak for quite a while. It just was so overwhelming and painful.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Oh, I can see why. I can see why.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:The thing that surprised me was how I had just wondered why I had thought everything. That wasn't important was important. Like why I had thought was important or all things that I've been involved in and all of a sudden I could see that all that really mattered was the simple moments in time I had with the kids. And I always have that. That was always available to me. And I gave it away for something so worthless, and so, My life has never been the same from that time. I think a piece of me died in the courtroom, probably a piece that needed to die, the things that, worrying about what people thought, worrying about money, how we were going to get through things. I can see those things weren't as important. I got Eight weeks and the day that I left my children, my mom came to pick them up and she couldn't even watch. She had to turn away because it was so painful for her. And I. Got in the car and we drove away. So
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Just almost too much to bear. I can relate to your mother's not being able to be there to see you actually drive away.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:it was super painful. um, Chad drove me to Dublin, California, and I walked into a federal prison cause they don't have, I was in a federal prison. They don't have a local in Utah. They don't have federal prisons. So the closest one was 14 hours away. And I remember walking It's a totally different experience walking into a prison, everybody wears the same color. Everyone's wearing khaki. Nobody looks very happy. And there's cement, cinder block walls. I said goodbye to Chad and then they strip search you and do all of that. And then they give you, a uniform and they send you to a cell and you have whatever roommate they give you at that time. And I was so broken hearted, just couldn't even talk. Couldn't even get up to go eat. I couldn't imagine how I could get through this time. I was fortunate cause I left a family who loved me and I left a community who supported me. Our ward knew. I reached out and asked for support from our The school, I was able to talk to them and say, my kids are going to need neighbors and people who were so supportive, which is probably unusual, but walking to prison was just devastating. It was like, I can't do this.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Huh.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:And I think after three days, my roommate told me they're going to take you to a suicide cell, which is, a lockdown, and it's going to be worse for you there, so you need to leave. And I remember telling her to go away and I got on my knees and I said, the most important prayer I've ever said. And I just said, Heavenly Father, I have failed everybody. I failed my children. I failed my husband. I failed myself. I failed you, I failed the community. I feel so low. I can't see my way out of this hole. I just need to know who I am to you. And I remember feeling the most incredible amount of love I've ever experienced in my life. I never have felt such love in my weakest moment. I felt so encompassed in love and I could see that I had an important purpose on this earth, that I was so valued. And that even in my weakest moment, that I was. More important than I could ever comprehend that my worth and value was more than anything and that everyone in that prison was so valuable. And I never knew until then how truly valuable we are to our Heavenly Father. And I would go through it all again, just to know that, just to feel that connection and that love. I know that you can do really hard things when you know who you are. I was away from my family altogether for close to five years. But I had something to fight for because I knew why I was on this earth.
Porsche. What an incredible experience. Life. Life-changing. Before we go on. I just want to review just a little more about that whole. Whole experience. Let's do that first.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:you've been in your cell for three days and your roommate said, you've got to go, or they're going to put you in a, in an isolation type place. And you felt for the first time this value from your Heavenly Father, this understanding who you were. I just wondered if it it took the place of that fear you had back when you felt like you couldn't possibly tell the full truth when the FBI showed up, because who would you be? You would lose your identity. And it seemed like that experience with your Heavenly Father was what healed you from that desperate hold of, wait a minute, who would I be? My identity is
Stephanie test:I'm this fabulous realtor
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:And I'm a photographer and wait a minute I'm an LDS woman and I'm a respectable woman and all of those things that helped identify you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:Yeah. that's a really good way to put it. For the first time in my life, I knew who I really was it was much deeper than anything, any title. And it was freeing for me to recognize, when people ask me, they say, what can we do for our kids? I say, figure out who you are, get so firm in your own identity with your Heavenly Father, Until I knew who I belonged to, couldn't belong to the world. I didn't have my heart wasn't open enough that I could connect with people in an authentic way. I didn't understand my worth. now I see, that when you see your worth, you can see everyone else's worth too. It's really the most important thing to come to know who you are because it then opens your eyes to who everyone else is too. And we're all so incredibly valuable.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Yeah. Would you put a title to that? What would you say? that value was that I was a daughter of God
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:that is exactly what I came to know. It's one thing to, to say the words, but it's another thing to really know it and understand it. And to know that you're a daughter of God. And who you really are is the greatest gift you could ever have. It changes everything. So yeah, changed me.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Thank you.
Porsche. How did. Did you meet AKA?
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:I met Akka my first year in prison in California. I think shared with you, I just felt so much comfort when I met her. We were in a unit of probably 250, 300 people were locked down other than during when we can move around, every hour, there's a 10 minute move so you can move from one place to another, but, You know, when I finally got myself together and I started to come out and connect with other people there was Akka and she, I didn't know she was a member of the church, but I noticed her light. I went to go over to whatever church service there was at the chapel. And there she was a member of our church. There was a few of us there that were members of the LDS church and volunteers would come in and provide a service for us and we could get a priesthood blessing. And, so there was that connection and she was a really good example. She would fast every Sunday and was disciplined read her scriptures. And so She helped me find my way. And I loved her and there was Couple of members there that I loved, that I got close to. I was still pretty stubborn. I still thought all the government did me wrong and this is unfair. And so I was writing on a blog and they would call me over and say, You're writing things that make the prison look bad. And I'm like they shouldn't do things. Then, I just wasn't at that point, ready to take complete ownership of why I was in prison, which was my own fault, but they ended up putting me in the shoe, which is the segregated housing unit. I was there for about a month and then they shipped me. And when they ship you, you don't know where you're going. And they decided to ship me to. Wasika, Minnesota. when I got to Wasika, I missed all my friends, in Dublin, that was hard. Cause you don't know, they just take you out of the population and I started to build friends and stuff there. And I, what was beautiful about Wasika was, it was a really clean, nice prison and it was in the Midwest. So there were a lot of kind of Christian influence. A lot of the officers were. there in the morning reading their Bibles I didn't have any other members of the church there. So that was lonely. I had to have my husband reach out and start trying to find members from the local ward that could come in and visit and volunteer. So I was able to get that after about six months, but I really developed such a close relationship with our Heavenly Father. I'd get that"Ensign" and I would just read it and over. And I was studying my scriptures up early every morning. Um, a lot of prayer. I think I spent six months sitting outside, just crying and reaching out to Heavenly Father I felt so far away from my family and I really needed, I just needed to open my soul. And that was sacred time in my life. And so painful too, I was very determined. I was going to leave prison. Yeah. An amazing person. That was what I always said. I'm like, I'm going to leave prison an amazing person. And and we all are, we're all so amazing. Really, all I needed to know was who I am. Once I knew who I was, then, there was a lot of character building that I needed to do and integrity rebuilding and. that work is the work that I did in prison. I don't think I knew what I was going to do when I got out. I just knew the, who I was before was gone and that I was something different, the connections that I made and my whole view was changed. And as I continued on that journey, I was able to start to serve others, which was pretty cool because I, my soul opened up and I had more space to give. And man, by the end of my sentence, I just felt so free and joyful and so much love and connection, deep connection. I just had the most beautiful experience with one of my friends that I was in prison with that came to Utah for the first time.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:tell us about it.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:I just met this gal in Waseca. Her name's Christina Beller and she's, she was just so full of light. I could see right away and we were roommates and she shared her story with me and she had so much loss. Her father had committed suicide. Her mother had died from an overdose and her son she had placed with. Her husband's parents to take care of her husband had been murdered. Just loss after loss, she was so full of light and we really got close. She was humble. She, I would see her pray every night for 45 minutes at a chair. And I thought, wow, where does this girl come from? When I left now I'm the only member of the LDS church and she's a Christian and I. I didn't really, she knew what my religion was different, but, and we both shared faith in God. So we were really deeply connected, but I didn't go into a lot of detail about the church. Most, I didn't want people to, I felt like a lot of times Christians would try to tell me why the church was wrong or whatever. And I'm like, you stay where you are. You let me do what I'm doing, but we can connect on a love of God connection, the other thing that people noticed was, as members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, we have power, we have, we're endowed with power and protection through our temple covenants and that power is noticeable, there is a light in us that's noticeable and people notice that. And they would come and they would say, Will you come pray with me because they would come, they would send someone over and say, my roommate's really struggling. Will you go get that lady over and be unit and have her come pray with us? They could see it. And that to me is so beautiful. And I wasn't telling people, this is what I do, but it's just who I was and the way I live my life. And I loved Christina and she loved me and we shared a deep faith and love in our savior. We prayed together. I would have girls all the time come and say, can you go to lunch with me? I love your prayers. I want you to pray with us today. I really value my, the covenants that I made with our Heavenly Father because they're so empowering. When Christina got out. First of all she had nothing. She went back to her sister who lived in a low income apartment, to live with her and she got a job working in a care center for the elderly. And she met a woman who was a member of our faith who was 86 years old. Her husband had passed. She'd had a stroke and they became best friends. And this woman told her, I've been waiting for you to join the church so that I can die. I'm still on this earth for you. And literally Christina said, I've never felt so loved by anyone. I just knew that she knew me. And so Christina, not only did she. Joined the church, but she had a good friend that she knew that loved and noticed her light and he also joined the church and I got to fly back there and be with her that day. The day that she was Baptized. And then I got to go to the temple with her. I went back to Missouri and we went through the temple. That was the most joyful day of my life. Just being in the temple with her. She and she goes, we met in prison. And today we sat in our Heavenly Father's highest kingdom of glory on the earth together. And it was just the joy I felt was eternal joy. So We've So joy. It was so joyful. And then she just came to Utah. Yeah. And visited Utah for the first time for two weeks, we went to the MTC together. And I shared my story there, which was so beautiful cause it included her. And then we went to three temples in one day. We hit every, we went to Draper, Bountiful, so beautiful. She loved Bountiful. We went to Oh, we just went to about 10 different temples and it was so amazing. just for her to connect with my family and my children and, We have this really beautiful friendship, just like with Aka too, right? Have had these hard experiences and then be able to go to the temple together? And it's just, the atonement is so beautiful. And that transformation you, when Christina and Aka is the same way, there's this humility in them that said, when Christina called me, she said, guess what, Portia, I'm buying a comforter for my son. She says, you know what that means he's coming to visit me and you can't find that kind of joy without the kind of loss that we've experienced. Like it's the littlest things that make you so grateful, so anyway, I have had so many beautiful experiences since I came home from prison. The son that I placed for adoption reached out to me and we'd built a beautiful relationship. I think the most amazing thing about my life is that my children trust me I've earned their trust I wrote the book that I wrote, I just wrote another one.
Hello. It's Stephanie I've popped him with some good news. Since this interview, Porsche has released her second book. Called born to be brave. And I want to tell you a bit about it. I've listened to it and have been so positively effected by this book. I found that every few chapters I would need to stop and just absorb and think about the lives of these dear people that she has written about. I would go find a loved one and I would tell them about these wonderful people I was gaining new heroes. And these were different type of heroes. These heroes had mental illnesses and addictions. And they also had testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I found. That in the end. I was learning something that I already knew logically. And that was that the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. Was for everyone. But after finishing this book, Now I knew it. From my heart and soul. I knew it at that level. And it strengthened my testimony. So that is the review I leave with you for born to be brave. I challenge you to listen or read that book and I'll leave it in the show notes. So you can get to it easily Here's a picture. So you can. See her first book. Living ladder a compassionate journey. Through federal prison. Her website is portialouder.com. And she's also on Facebook now. She's about. To share what I consider her most poignant story within her prison sentence. Be sure to subscribe and like this video, so you can receive. Every story where the hand of God has. Touched a person's life. And others can find those videos. Thank you now back to the interview.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:there's all kinds of beautiful things that have come into my life, but I didn't know what it would look like. I just had to trust Heavenly Father and let go of who I thought I was and become the person that I'm truly on this earth to be. Yeah.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:Oh, Portia, what a beautiful experience. What a gift for us, all of us to hear this and hear these about these beautiful bonds that you've had with Christina, and Aka and these other women. And I've heard more cause I've read the book. It was so many more women while in prison and so many lives you've touched since, especially since being out of prison. You shared with me, you have a favorite scripture in Doctrine and Covenants. Would you like to share that with us before we end? Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:I would love to. this scripture has a lot of meaning to me because before I went to prison I went through a really traumatic experience I shared in my book where it was taken into custody. And I remember I had been transferred from place to place and it was really disorienting and confusing. And I was in Seattle at a time. At a high rise prison that they were doing in a mental evaluation. And I I heard the words LDS come over the intercom and I ran out and I said what does that mean? And he goes, there's LDS volunteers here. And I said I want to see them. I'm a member of that church, there were these two Pauline. And when they came in, I just immediately started to cry and I said, could you please please give me a blessing? And he, they said, yes. And man put his hands on my head and he said your whole, everything in your life will be restored. He said, You, your Heavenly Father knows how strong you are. he endowed you with strength to go through everything you've been through. And then he said be thou humble because the Lord thy God will lead thee by the hand. And I thought that's a scripture, so I went back and I asked him I said, why did you say that scripture? And he said, that's the scripture your Heavenly Father wants you to focus on. And then he told me he said, what you've been through is hard, Portia. He goes, I can feel that pain inside you. What you've been through is hard. He said, but your life will be beautiful someday. And then the other gentleman told me, he said, we weren't planning on coming here today. He said, we went downstairs and we asked if there were any members of our church and they didn't know of any that were here. And he said, so we just started going up. The elevators. And we stopped before we came to this floor and figure we would leave. And then we said a prayer and decided that we needed to come up one more floor. And he said I have no doubt we're here to give you that priesthood blessing. And so I wrote that down and believe me, what I thought he meant when he said, everything in your life will be restored was that I wouldn't have to go to prison. Everything was going to work out. But what I know is that that it was the journey I was supposed to take and that when I am humble, I'm my very best self. That's when I feel the closest to Heavenly Father. And I had a lot of humility to learn through this process still do. But I'm so grateful, I have come to know that Our Heavenly Father is so aware of us, like the fact that they were there that day and could give me that priesthood blessing. I Had so many hard things still to go through whenever I, struggling, I think of that scripture. I'm like, be that humble Portia, the Lord that God believed by the hand, that is my mission is to be more humble When I look at people with humility, it's so appealing to me, you know, more of it.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:oh, what a miracle.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:It really was. my faith in the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ is so firm. There is no way that I could even be mentally sound if it worked, with the things that I went through were really difficult and only through the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know who I am because of Jesus Christ and I'm so grateful for that
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:He will make up for all the unfairness,
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:yeah.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024_145623:like that time in your life right there.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_145623:Stephanie. Thank you for inviting me on this today.
Microphone (2- Samson Q2U Microphone)-5:Ah, Portia, hearing your story, at times it overtook me with emotion as you saw, and matter of fact I had to record or re record this portion because it was so difficult to understand what I was saying. So I want to say thank you for that life changing experience. Thank you for sharing your story with us and lifting me. I want to thank our audience for listening, and I'm curious, what did you think of Portia's story and how it was portrayed? I want you to write about it in the comments And let me know, did it remind you anything about your life? Do you have a story of redemption? Or is your story more of a simple story, where you've seen the hand of God in your life? I want to hear about it and start talking to you about it, because perhaps your story would change someone's life, like Portia's story has changed my life. Thank you for listening today. Remember to like and subscribe this video, and for now, I will say farewell. Until we meet again.