Episode 12 - Unspoken Expectations: Navigating Relationships and Self-Awareness

Kelly delves into the universal experience of entering situations with unrealistic expectations. She shares a personal story about planning a spring break trip, hoping to break her pattern of overworking and reconnect.

Kelly explores the challenges of:

• Dealing with unspoken expectations in relationships
• Communicating across generational gaps
• Recognizing and addressing our own emotional needs

Through her candid reflections, Kelly offers listeners valuable insights on:

• The importance of self-awareness in managing expectations
• Navigating the complexities of parent-teen relationships
• Finding the gift in disappointing experiences
• This episode serves as a reminder that we often operate from unspoken expectations and encourages listeners to pause, notice, and reflect on the underlying currents in their own lives and relationships.

Join Kelly as she shares her journey of self-discovery and offers practical advice for managing expectations and finding meaning in our interactions with others.

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With Infinite Love & Gratitude

Kelly

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Transcript

00;00;02;22 - 00;00;30;19
Kelly Goetz
Hello, welcome to another podcast from Jets and Strange Wrapping Paper. My name is Kelly and today I wanted to ask you if you have ever gone into a situation or a relationship or an event or party or whatever, and had unreal expectations for what was going to happen on that particular evening date, work, event, whatever it was that you went.

00;00;30;21 - 00;00;59;21
Kelly Goetz
Just raise your hand. If you've ever gone into a situation with unrealistic expectations. Well, I did just a few weeks ago. I decided I had been overworking, and I wanted to break the pattern of overworking over giving, overdoing. And so my husband and I got to talking and we decided, seeing that my daughter's spring break was coming up and we weren't going anywhere as a family, and many of her friends were going to the beaches.

00;00;59;23 - 00;01;31;14
Kelly Goetz
We thought it might be fun to see if we could do an inexpensive, and I do mean inexpensive spring break to the south of some some location. So it is now Tuesday night and spring break starts on Saturday, and I and my husband, we have this old timeshare that we haven't released. And we decided I would go in and I would look and just to see if anything was available, knowing it was probably a crapshoot.

00;01;31;16 - 00;01;56;02
Kelly Goetz
Well, as luck would have it, right before I was about to do my search and look for something drivable like somewhere in Florida at the last second, all of a sudden I got this intuitive message to look in Hilton Head. So I typed in the words Hilton Head, and once you know it, there is a three bedroom condo on the island of Hilton Head in South Carolina, close to the beach.

00;01;56;05 - 00;02;15;26
Kelly Goetz
Easy to bike around with and easy to get to the beach. And it's three bedrooms and it's drivable. So I booked it. Had 24 hours to decide am I going to keep it or not keep it? I didn't even get a chance to see my daughter that night, so I wanted to wait to share the news when she got home from school on Wednesday.

00;02;15;28 - 00;02;36;00
Kelly Goetz
Talk it through with my husband. Maybe see if a friend of hers could go along. And who knows if she had a friend. Maybe I could bring my husband. Or maybe I would bring another friend. Of course. Now it's Wednesday and we want to leave on Friday night. And so I texted her and I said, hey, when you get home from school, I want to I want to connect with you.

00;02;36;00 - 00;02;56;08
Kelly Goetz
I have something I want to talk to you about. What I didn't realize is that was going to trigger a reaction in my daughter, and it was going to cause her to worry. She immediately thought she did something wrong. And now I have a new problem. She's calling me from school. She's worried. She's concerned. I can't worry or think about something else.

00;02;56;08 - 00;03;16;20
Kelly Goetz
Being a junior in high school or so, many decisions are happening all at once. And she just wanted to know. So I say, hey, I found, a beach house we can go to in Hilton Head Island. And, you know, if you have a friend that's not already planning to go on vacation that you'd like to invite, we can take your friend as well.

00;03;16;23 - 00;03;45;05
Kelly Goetz
We're going to drive. The only caveat to that was it's going to be on my schedule, not on their schedule. Meaning if they have a party or sporting event or any kind of event that they want to come home early for, that wasn't going to be happening. I wasn't going to drive cross-country 13, 14 hours and then leave halfway through the trip to drive another two days.

00;03;45;05 - 00;04;04;23
Kelly Goetz
Coming back, I was going to get my full 7 or 8 days. All right. Fine. We ask a friend. The friend can't go. Well, first the friend said she could go and then the friend couldn't go. Which that brings in all sorts of fun, creative energy. And so finally, you know, I'm talking to my husband and I'm like, well, what should we do?

00;04;04;23 - 00;04;27;06
Kelly Goetz
And we decided Faith and I will have my daughter and I will have a girls a girls week. Just mom and her daughter or teenage daughter is going to go to the beach. Now, if you're a mom who's ever raised a teenage daughter, or if your grandmother it's ever raised a teenage daughter, you can probably see where this is going.

00;04;27;08 - 00;04;48;10
Kelly Goetz
I have the Gilmore Girls in mind, and I'm thinking, mother, daughter, we're going to have this great bonding trip. It's a great show and they're so cute, and they have such good banter and they're always sharing. They're always chit chatting. And I'm thinking we're going to be like the Gilmore Girls. We're going to road trip to Hilton Head Island, and we are going to bond.

00;04;48;10 - 00;05;30;17
Kelly Goetz
We're going to have those belly good laughs. And there is the first unrealistic expectation. Not too many teenage kids really want to hang out for the week with their parent. I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking, Gilmore Girls, we're going to bond and I want you to think about yourself. Have you ever been in a situation where you two thought, hey, I am going to create this great party, I'm going to host this great event, or I'm going to get together on a fresh date or I'm going to create a new job opportunity or whatever.

00;05;30;23 - 00;05;57;19
Kelly Goetz
And you had this expectation, and it's probably not even something you clearly thought through. Maybe it was a hope or idea, but somewhere along the line, it was an unrealistic expectation that now is in the center of the relationship and you're not even aware that it's there. Well, that would have been me. In fact, we decide we're going to leave after school on Friday.

00;05;57;21 - 00;06;22;17
Kelly Goetz
I decide, well, wouldn't it be nice that we can stop at Purdue? We can see my son meet his friend. All is going to be well. This will be exciting. Not really thinking how long packing can take. Two people with a husband trying to help shovel us out the door, and one evening to pull it all together, not to mention appointments the next day.

00;06;22;20 - 00;06;48;16
Kelly Goetz
So you see where this is going? I don't leave at the time that I anticipated leaving. So now we are hitting traffic and we are late to Purdue and we are having one little obstacle after the other. And oh by the way, there's no hotel that we can find on our journey for the first night. Stay. So that first travel day not going so good and we get a good night's sleep.

00;06;48;16 - 00;07;14;17
Kelly Goetz
We pick up the day the next day and I say to my daughter, just wait for it. Because remember, I'm thinking, Gilmore Girls, we are going to bond mother and daughter. And I say to my daughter, you know what? Let's not be mother daughter. Let's just be two girls on a trip, road tripping to Hilton Head Island, and let's just get to know one another as two women.

00;07;14;20 - 00;07;38;21
Kelly Goetz
You know, you're a young lady. I'm a woman. Let's just get to know each other as if we were getting to know a friend for the first time. Wouldn't that be great? The only thing about that that really didn't work was the fact that I was still planning everything. I was getting support with the driving. I still had to figure out the mapping.

00;07;38;23 - 00;08;05;20
Kelly Goetz
I was paying for everything. So although I wanted to be a couple buddies, like I was going on a trip with one of my girlfriends, I'm really in this lopsided place where I'm responsible for everything, and I'm still in that mother daughter role with the illusion and the unrealistic expectation that I'm going to be like the Gilmore Girls, we're going to be two buddies.

00;08;05;22 - 00;08;28;22
Kelly Goetz
So, as you can imagine, we get to Hilton Head Island and it's beautiful, the weather's beautiful, and it's also spring break. And again, we have a great night. The first night in town. Stay at the beach. The first night we have to move into our three bedroom condo. The next day. All is going great. We're having a bonding moment in the first restaurant that we go to.

00;08;28;22 - 00;08;55;16
Kelly Goetz
We're meeting people, you know? Seems like, you know, a couple girls on vacation. And quickly things turned when all of a sudden I'm realizing we have two different schedules. She has a teen sleeping schedule, and I have a get up early and go kind of get exercising so that I can get on with my day. There is no breakfast that we're making together.

00;08;55;16 - 00;09;22;18
Kelly Goetz
We're not really planning meals together because I don't even know what teenagers eat anymore, because I don't think my teenager ever seems to eat unless her and her friends are going to. One of those fast food restaurants. And I quickly realize that my idea of a girls trip and bonding, and her idea of spring break are two completely different things.

00;09;22;20 - 00;09;51;05
Kelly Goetz
Although I'm still thinking it's going to be like the Gilmore Girls. We're going to bond. Ultimately, my daughter ends up meeting a whole bunch of terrific kids. I mean, it was great that these kids were from everywhere, from Geneva, Illinois, Ohio. I can't even remember all the different states, but she met a terrific group of kids. In fact, I would have to venture to say it was like they were all congregating near the volleyball courts on on one particular beach.

00;09;51;05 - 00;10;17;16
Kelly Goetz
And so every day, instead of bike riding the way I thought we would bike right around the island, we were now driving to get to the area where all of the teens were congregating, and she's meeting friends. She's having a good time and I'm feeling a bit lonely and I'm feeling a bit lost. Have you ever been there where you thought you had planned the perfect event, the perfect outing, the perfect party?

00;10;17;18 - 00;10;51;14
Kelly Goetz
And maybe you're finding yourself in a little bit of martyrdom where you're doing all the work and nobody seems to be appreciating it. Or maybe everybody else around you is bonding and having a great time, only you're not really sitting and relaxing in that particular event. Have you ever been there where your expectations had been set so high and unrealistically that before you knew it, you're feeling like this tension inside your body and you're thinking, what have I done?

00;10;51;17 - 00;11;22;06
Kelly Goetz
Well, that was me in one of the most beautiful beaches you could have possibly imagined, and the tension and the pull of dealing with those unrealistic expectations that I wasn't fully aware of. I had decided I was going to break the pattern of overworking, and I was going to move into this new pattern. Only I didn't give myself any space or time to shift my energy from one situation to the other.

00;11;22;09 - 00;11;53;08
Kelly Goetz
I pretty much left from a depleted state, from an empty state looking to a teenage daughter, to somehow fill the void. And I can't say it was a train wreck. It wasn't all bad, it wasn't all good, but it wasn't realistic. So what's the gift in all of that? I think the truth of the matter is we often operate from a place of some sort of undiscussed expectation.

00;11;53;08 - 00;12;23;18
Kelly Goetz
And although I did try to set the stage of what I envisioned for this trip, and she tried to say yes, the pull of other teenagers and being a teenager wanting to connect and make friends with other teenagers was far greater than the pull was to hang out with mom. I mean, right now I'm just not that interesting to my teenage daughter right now.

00;12;23;18 - 00;12;49;15
Kelly Goetz
What I have to say does not sound to appealing or interesting doesn't mean she doesn't like me. It just means I am not a teenage boy or a teenage girl that can, you know, can banter with her in the same way. In fact, nine times out of ten, when I'm trying to communicate, I feel like we're speaking two completely different languages.

00;12;49;17 - 00;13;25;03
Kelly Goetz
I don't even understand a lot of the different terminologies that the teens are using. Maybe you do. I'd be curious. I really should study it on some level, except I, I it's moving so much faster and different than anything that I've experienced, probably because of social media. So what do you do when you recognize that you had these silent expectations that weren't discussed, weren't explained, weren't agreed to?

00;13;25;08 - 00;13;57;19
Kelly Goetz
What do you do? Where do you go from there? Well, the first thing you have to do is you have to pause and you have to notice. Notice what's playing out under the current. What is the void that you're trying to fill? Is it that you're trying to fill, some love and connection? And if you are trying to fill love and connection and fill the void for love and connection, notice where are you putting your energy?

00;13;57;22 - 00;14;17;17
Kelly Goetz
Are you putting your energy outside of yourself and looking for the outside world to fill the inside world? I confess I did, or are you already filled up where you have something to give in? Overflow?

00;14;17;20 - 00;14;50;01
Kelly Goetz
The more I try to accommodate my daughter's, schedule, and the more I try to be the buddy to please, and the more I attempted to be like the Gilmore Girls or connected in that way, the less connected I ended up feeling to myself, and I ended up feeling towards my daughter. So what can we learn from this?

00;14;50;04 - 00;15;14;01
Kelly Goetz
I want you to think about a situation that maybe you had unrealistic expectations. Maybe you were looking for somebody else to fill a void in you. And rather than really reconnecting with yourself. And how do you do that? First and foremost, if you get into nature and you just sit with nature, you know, nature doesn't ask for much from us.

00;15;14;03 - 00;15;43;26
Kelly Goetz
I mean, certainly it asks us to be kind to it, to take care of it, to let it grow, let it evolve, let it blossom. But really, if we just go sit in nature, just go sit. For me, my favorite parts of my trip were just taking long walks along the ocean, hearing the ocean coming in and out, feeling the sand beneath my feet, allowing myself to ground as I'm walking barefoot in the sand.

00;15;43;26 - 00;16;13;26
Kelly Goetz
Think about it when you are just in silence, walking along any beach. If you're a beach person. Notice the sounds you're hearing with the birds, the seagulls. Maybe you notice a dolphin or two in the in the water, and if it's not too cold, you might see some young little kid playing in the water. And you can think back to when your kids were little.

00;16;13;26 - 00;16;40;21
Kelly Goetz
If you have grown up kids, every time I see a little kid, I'm always like, delighted. How cute they are, how free they are. And when I see those little kids just being so free in all of their moods and their emotions, and I think to myself, wow, they can feel one emotion and then quickly move to another one so effortlessly.

00;16;40;24 - 00;17;01;15
Kelly Goetz
It's like it's forgotten. As adults, we don't always move through them quite as fast, because more often than not, we're trying to push them down and not feel what we're feeling. I was feeling empty. I was feeling lonely. I was feeling disconnected from myself.

00;17;01;18 - 00;17;29;16
Kelly Goetz
So as you connect with nature, what it does is it starts filling you up with beautiful, beautiful energy that comes into the bottom of your feet, comes into the top of your your crown, your top of your head. And those two energies meet in the middle, creating this wonderful, beautiful polarity between the Earth and the sun fills you up with beautiful energy you don't even have to ask for.

00;17;29;16 - 00;17;56;04
Kelly Goetz
It's just this natural, chemical reaction that happens. And when you pause and you just breathe in the air, whether it's the ocean air, if you're somebody that likes mountains, then you might be in the mountains. You might be walking through the trees, walking through paths, listening to the rustling of leaves.

00;17;56;07 - 00;18;31;04
Kelly Goetz
Nature doesn't disappoint. Even the worst day, a rainy day. You can know that that cold, rainy day is there, giving you two opportunities. One opportunity might be an opportunity to rest inside because you don't feel like you have to go outside and run errands or or work harder than necessary, or a snowy day might get you snowed in and you think, yeah, you know, do I really need to go out in that gives you an opportunity to rest, to slow down.

00;18;31;06 - 00;19;01;17
Kelly Goetz
And when we slow down, we breathe deeper. And when we breathe, we start filling ourselves up with the beautiful air and oxygen. And we breathe out anything that we no longer need that doesn't serve us. So nature invites us to slow down, to breathe, to open our lungs. It also reminds us that, you know, the birds don't want for anything, animals don't want for anything.

00;19;01;20 - 00;19;34;25
Kelly Goetz
They find what they need as they need it from one day to the next. They're not looking too far in the future. They're not looking in the past. They're right there in the present moment. This present time consciousness. So being out in nature and really stepping back into the presence of nature, of totally, fully observing nature. And if you haven't really been outside much because you've been doing too much, now that the weather's getting nicer here in the Midwest, get outside and pop your shoes off.

00;19;34;28 - 00;19;47;05
Kelly Goetz
One of the best things you can do to reconnect with the Earth and to reconnect with yourself, is to walk barefoot in the grass, barefoot on the sand. If you're near sand.

00;19;47;07 - 00;20;05;10
Kelly Goetz
Or just simply to sit. Just sit and be still. I was walking the other day after a long day, and we were taking a nice power walk, and we were talking and all of a sudden I thought that I just want to I don't want to move my body. I just want to be. I just want to sit.

00;20;05;10 - 00;20;39;08
Kelly Goetz
So we just sat on the side of the path and just watch. As the sun was setting and the birds were flying and the sky was shifting and changing. And just imagine taking the time to breathe that in and to notice the changing of the colors in the sky as we go from sunlight to nighttime. If you're in an area that has stars that you can see easily, just allowing yourself to be present with it, to connect into it, see it, to observe it.

00;20;39;10 - 00;21;02;07
Kelly Goetz
Even just sitting on the grass, I was like, you know, I don't feel like taking my shoes off, but I'm just going to ground through my root chakra, which is at the base, right at the base of the groin, going down into the earth. I'm just going to root in and allow that energy to just fill me up.

00;21;02;09 - 00;21;16;02
Kelly Goetz
Taking the time to be present with yourself and to fill yourself up with the simple things in life, not looking to somebody else to do the filling for you.

00;21;16;04 - 00;22;03;17
Kelly Goetz
And allowing yourself time just to breathe, to focus on your breath. And right now, just go ahead and take a nice deep breath in and you can count to six or just count to six as you're breathing in one, two, three, four, five, six and hold it to one. And breathing out six, five, four, 3 to 1. And go ahead and take another breath.

00;22;03;20 - 00;22;38;20
Kelly Goetz
And each time you breathe in, I want you to imagine you are just bringing in fresh energy into your lungs, filling up your lungs, filling up all of your organs with this beautiful fresh air, allowing that air to just permeate through your entire body, cleansing and clearing anything that does not serve you. And when you breathe out, recognizing that you're releasing expectations, that you're recentering and refocusing on you.

00;22;38;22 - 00;22;54;06
Kelly Goetz
Allowing yourself just to tune in to this present moment where you just need to breathe. Nothing you have to do. Nothing you have to be for anyone else. No one. You have to please. You just have to be.

00;22;54;08 - 00;23;06;08
Kelly Goetz
And as you're breathing in and out, just enjoying for the first moment that you've slowed down, you've taken a pause. You've taken a pause to listen.

00;23;06;11 - 00;23;25;12
Kelly Goetz
And so how often we get in our heads like I got in my heads I thought, I'm going to be the Gilmore Girls and I'm not. And so rather than being in your head, just slipping into your heart and connecting to your heart and asking your heart with your hands on your heart, and if you're driving, just put one hand on your heart and just ask your heart.

00;23;25;14 - 00;23;55;25
Kelly Goetz
Rather than feeling empty or unfulfilled or frustrated or angry, whatever it is that you're going through right now, this is an opportunity that you can change your state and your mood by breathing, by connecting to your heart. So often we want to go into our head and we want to solve things from our head. One of my friends reminded me how so often we go straight to the strategy.

00;23;55;25 - 00;24;14;06
Kelly Goetz
My strategy was, I'm going to go on a girls trip with my daughter. We go to the strategy, then we go to where do we go this?

00;24;14;08 - 00;24;18;13
Kelly Goetz
I forgot what I was saying.

00;24;18;15 - 00;24;36;03
Kelly Goetz
So often we go.

00;24;36;06 - 00;24;59;04
Kelly Goetz
So often we like to start with the strategy. My strategy was I was going to set the intention that we were going to be on a girls trip. We were going to be like two friends when we're really not. We're still mother daughter, and my daughter's not quite ready to be buddies. And quite frankly, I still have a job to do as a mom, so I'm technically not ready either.

00;24;59;06 - 00;25;33;00
Kelly Goetz
But I immediately, when I was in my head in a state of reaction, which is not a good place to make choices and decisions, I quickly went to the strategy of how this is going to happen. I created a story and then I ended up getting how I felt. My state, which was pretty low. Rather than filling myself up with taking some deep breaths, being with nature, filling myself up, asking myself from my heart, what would you choose to be in this moment in time?

00;25;33;02 - 00;25;59;04
Kelly Goetz
How would you choose to feel? What would make you feel happy? And in that moment, all I wanted to feel was just love and connection. And the person I needed to love and connect with was me. And so claiming I am love and connection is claiming it. I am loving connection. I am loving connection. And if you take your middle fingers and if you're driving, that's fine.

00;25;59;04 - 00;26;26;21
Kelly Goetz
Take your middle fingers and I want you to find a little point right in the center of your chest, right between your nipple line where it was when you were a toddler, and just put your middle finger and maybe your index finger right in the middle of your chest and just hold it. This is actually an acupressure point called central 17, and it's called the Sea of Tranquility.

00;26;26;24 - 00;26;52;15
Kelly Goetz
And when you place your hands there, just breathe. Some of you might notice a pulsing, some of you might notice some warmth. And if you keep holding it for a while, you're actually connecting to this point, this Sea of Tranquility point central 17. It's right on the meridian line that runs up the course of your body to the bottom of your mouth.

00;26;52;18 - 00;27;34;21
Kelly Goetz
And when this particular energy channel is nice and running smoothly and closed, it creates this beautiful energy that goes out into your auric field all around you, creates beautiful figure eights, connects to all the other energy systems in your body, helps you feel this sense of, security, maybe calmness, calm, calmness, certainty. And so as you're connecting with yourself just by holding two fingers on this one acupressure point.

00;27;34;23 - 00;27;40;12
Kelly Goetz
Notice if your body calms down.

00;27;40;15 - 00;27;50;19
Kelly Goetz
Notice if you relax. Notice if your shoulder strap. You might notice that your thoughts get clearer.

00;27;50;21 - 00;28;00;16
Kelly Goetz
You might notice that your thoughts stop and you relax. You're thinking that old stinking thinking.

00;28;00;18 - 00;28;31;07
Kelly Goetz
And just connecting with yourself and asking yourself, what's one thing you can do for yourself today to fill yourself up, knowing it's never about the other person? That you get to fill yourself up first, rather than being on a crazy spring break with unrealistic expectations or a crazy social outing or marketing event or networking event, whatever it is for you.

00;28;31;10 - 00;29;05;17
Kelly Goetz
Here, in the stillness of just holding this one point on your body, and if you're not driving and you have a second hand free, just take a minute and put your other middle finger from your other hand in those same points and just hold it there and breathe. Nothing you have to do, nothing yet to be simply holding seven central, 17 your Sea of Tranquility.

00;29;05;19 - 00;29;13;00
Kelly Goetz
And then I want to invite you to just go ahead and put your hand on your forehead.

00;29;13;02 - 00;29;17;28
Kelly Goetz
And as you put your hand on your forehead.

00;29;18;00 - 00;29;47;01
Kelly Goetz
Nice deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Here in the forehead. You've heard me talk about it before in an earlier episode. Or the neurovascular points. They're also called the. Oh my God, points. Because so often when we are stressed intuitively, we lift our hands to our forehead and we'll hold her hand on her forehead for just a moment.

00;29;47;04 - 00;30;08;23
Kelly Goetz
And really, if you take the time to hold it just a little bit more, more like 3 to 5 minutes. You'll notice that, your hand might be getting warmer. You're thinking. Might be getting clearer. If you've got foggy brain, it might be relaxing and calming.

00;30;08;26 - 00;30;40;24
Kelly Goetz
You might notice that it was never about the other person after all, that it was just you needing to settle your nervous system down, an opportunity to relax and let go. And if you have someone that has trouble sleeping at night or getting to sleep, you can do the same thing to fall asleep in the evening. Or if you're having a difficult conversation with a loved one or a coworker, putting your hands on your forehead will bring the blood flow back to your head.

00;30;40;27 - 00;31;29;08
Kelly Goetz
Because when we're under stress, the first thing that happens is that blood flow goes straight down to your arms. Your legs, your heart, and it prepares you to make that ultimate decision. Am I going to run? Am I going to fight? It's that fight. Flight. Freeze! Determination. And while you hold your hand on your head and you take those calming, deep breaths and you think about being in nature, or you actually step out into nature in your bare feet, and you reground into the knowing that to be filled up, you just have to step out into nature and be present with your breath, with your own energy field.

00;31;29;11 - 00;32;05;07
Kelly Goetz
Nothing you have to do or be. You just have to allow yourself that moment of presence. So wherever you are today, check in with yourself. Are your expectations realistic? Can you let them go for another possibility of simply relying on your own heart to guide you into something new, something fresh? And maybe you might be taking a trip by yourself?

00;32;05;09 - 00;32;09;24
Kelly Goetz
Have a great day! This is Kelly Getz, wishing you infinite love and gratitude.